H.O.P.E

I saw Mary today
I treasure these sessions now
As she will be gone in less than 2 months
And what with holidays I'm sure I won't get to see her every single week

She always starts off by saying 'How have you been?'
Where do I start?
There's been so much change
So much is happening
And it seems to be happening so quickly
It's strange how things can turn around
Just 6 months ago I was in treatment
Losing weight
Generally not doing anything I was supposed to be doing
I had little or no interest in getting well
I had written myself off as a lost cause
I had no hope
No faith
No belief that things could get better
That I had a future
A life beyond this thing we call ED
I was in a black hole of depression
Full of anxiety
Crippled by fear
I woke up every morning with an impending sense of doom
I had this constant feeling that something terrible was going to happen

It's so great that Mary gets to see me in a better place
I've been seeing her for almost 3 years
And for most of that time I have been very unwell
Mary came in to my life just at the perfect time
She has been an integral part of my journey

She asked me if I had been weighing myself
I said that I had once
She weighed me anyway
I didn't look
She did tell me my BMI
It's almost in the healthy range
I didn't have much of a reaction hearing this
It is what it is
I accept it
I may not like it
But I accept it

Mary asked me about coming to terms with my new body
It's hard
I was so slim that I had no bum and no boobs
But now sharp edges and point bones have given way to soft curves
A more womanly shape
I explained that I was getting used to the boobage
But that I didn't know quite what to do with them
The fact is that they are much bigger now
I don't know whether that is a good thing or a bad thing
Mary suggested that I go and get measured properly
And invest in some good bras
She also suggested that I buy a really good pair of jeans that flatter my figure
Shopping?
You don't need to tell this girl twice

I told Mary about the incident at the weekend
She said it was important that I move on
And not beat myself up about it
Easier said than done
But I am trying

I also told her that my food is all over the place
That I'm not eating regular meals
So we made a food plan for the week
I need to get my shit together in that respect
I can't survive on crisps and chocolate
So that's my next mission
To get my food sorted

In other news
My big sister arrives home from Australia on Monday
I am super excited
We get on like a house on fire
And it will be nice to have another heart beat in the house

I just wanted you to know
That no matter how bad things are
No matter how hopeless things seem
No matter how low you feel
There is always hope
Please believe me when I say that
I have been as low as a person can go
I've experienced rock bottom after rock bottom
I truly thought there was no hope for me
But just when I thought that I couldn't take any more
Things began to turn around
The light at the end of the tunnel came in to view
I started to believe that I just might be ok
I can't tell you what a revelation that is
I was hanging on by my finger tips
I barely had a grip on reality
I didn't want to live
I didn't want to recover
But now I have seen  glimpse of what my life could be like
The possibilities
The opportunities
They are all there for me
Recovery is there for me
I just have to reach out and grab it

I am no poster girl for recovery
I am not doing everything perfectly
I still mess up (See Saturday)
I still have days when I don't want to get out of bed
But those days are becoming fewer and fewer
The good now outweighs the bad
The positive out weighs the negative

All I can do is take baby steps in the right direction
One day at a time
Keep in simple
And whatever happens
Keep eating
That is probably the single most crucial and difficult thing about recovery
But it must be done

I don't know what the future holds for me
But the future looks brighter
I will be ok
I just know I will
And so will you

Health, selfies and sharing

I was listening to the radio this morning
There was a woman being interviewed
She was talking about her experience living with and recovering from anorexia
She has also written a book
I only heard part of the interview so I didn't catch her name
She made some interesting points though
She said that in order to recover she had to get her priorities straight
And the number one priority had to be herself and her healthy
She mentioned some things that had helped her do this
Including yoga, accupuncture and meditation

I was fascinated to hear her speak
Especially about her health
I have never prioritised my health
I  have never taken care of myself in that way
When you're in the grip of addiction or an eating disorder
You don'r really think about your health
And when you don't care if you live or die
What does health matter?

When I go to my sisters house
I am always fascinated by the array of pills and potions is her kitchen
Health supplements
Every type of herbal tea
Spirulina (Still not sure what that is)
All these things to help improve her health
It would never even occur to me to buy any of these things
If fact in my eyes it would be a waste of money
Although I'm sure my sister would say that she is investing in her health

The interviewer on the radio asked the speaker if she likes what she saw in the mirror
She said that she doesn't look at herself in the mirror much
She doesn't focus on 'external markers'
She goes by how she feels on the inside
I thought this was such an insightful thing to say
We or should I say I, focus way to much on my appearance
And use it as a bench mark as to how I feel on the inside
If I look well
I feel well
If I don't look well
I don't feel well

She also spoke about social media
And how it can fuel poor body image
She said that she couldn't understand  the phenomenon of selfies
That people post selfie after selfie
And to what end?

This also struck  a cord with me
As you probably know I have been posting many many selfies recently
And have been slightly obsessed with what my ever changing shape
I guess that it is normal for what I'm going through
But maybe I should focus more on how I feel on the inside
Because at the moment I feel good on the inside
It's only when I focus on my weight that I feel upset and distressed

But isn't that the way the world is today
We post our whole lives on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram
We share
We over share
We put every little bit of our lives out there for the world to see/judge/comment
I am on Facebook but I rarely use it
I use my blog as a way to share with family and friends
So I totally understand the urge to share information
I am guilty of that
But I wonder have we lost part of ourselves in sharing so much?
Are we forgetting what really matters?
Not what we look like
Not how many comments or likes or followers we get
But what is happening on the inside
How secure we are with ourselves
I know that I have been posting many photos because I am insecure at the moment
And I need reassurance
In the end isn't that what we all want
To be told that it's ok
That we are ok
That we are enough
Just the way we are
I know I need to hear that

I'm really glad I heard this interview today
It couldn't have come at a better time
Because I am recovering from my recent tooth extraction
It's been very difficult to eat
And of course that was a massive trigger
Because all of a sudden I had convinced myself that I don't need to eat
Dangerous territory Ruby
But after listening to that woman (I wish I knew her name)
I feel a bit better about my situation
I'm ok
Everything is as it should be
I'm ok
I'm enough
Just the way I am



I was wondering about you
Are you able to prioritise yourself and your health?
Do you think we share too much on the internet?
I'd love to know what you think........

Are we all addicts?

I originally wrote this post almost two years ago
I decided to write an updated version as I think it still applies to me

I watched a documentary last night called 'Are we all addicts?' presented by Cherry Healey on BBC3
She explored different different substances that people seem to get addicted to eg diet pills and slimming aids, legal highs, laughing gas (never heard of that one) and viagra
One girl she interviewed had a cupboard full of pills and potions to help her lose weight and she confessed to trying any diet going.
I could identify with this girl as she was a former dancer and had put on weight after she stopped dancing.
I remember when I  danced people were always saying 'be careful when you stop because your muscles turn to fat'
This was of course not true
The presenter of the show also spoke about her battle with weight and confessed to buying diet pills during the filming of the show.
I've bought diet pills twice and twice they didn't work but I can identify with wanting to believe that maybe this is magical answer to all my weight worries
Even though the diet pills didn't work I still have them in my room and every now and then I think 'maybe they'll work this time' and try them again
No doubt diet pills can be addictive but the feeling is also addictive, the feeling that this is the answer to all my problems
The feeling of starting a diet whether it works or not, the promise of happiness
When my eating disorder started it wasn't about weight, I never weighed myself and had no idea I was ill, I just knew that not eating made me feel better, not eating made me feel amazing
It was only when doctors started weighing me that I became aware of my weight and bmi
I learned what an anorexic was supposed to weigh and because I had been given this label I put pressure on myself to stay below that weight
Of course like a lot of people somewhere along the way I got the message that thin equals happiness and success
I know now that couldn't be further from the truth

I know myself that I can get addicted to something very easily, not just to the usual suspects like drugs and alcohol but to anything that gives me a good feeling
If I discover a food I like (at the moment it's twix bars) I eat it constantly and get anxious if I know there are none in the house so I stock up on them
I remember a few years ago my 'food' was drifter bars
I ate them like they were going out of fashion
And then they did
All of a sudden shops stopped stocking them
I remember one day being with my mother in the car and getting her to  drive me from shop to shop to shop looking for these bars.
I felt no different to when I craved heroin
I just had to have them and only them, no other chocolate bar would do
I remember around this time my boss gave me a birthday present of a bumper box of 48 drifters
You couldn't have given me a better gift
He knew me well
They were my drug
Same shit different substance

Television can be addictive to me
I could easily sit in front of the t.v for a day straight flicking from channel to channel watching endless
programmes
Sometimes I find it really difficult to tear myself away from it and will schedule my day around my favourite shows
I used to watch box sets in bed at night for hour,s I've stopped now as I wasn't getting any sleep
I've watched the whole boxset of The Sopranos back to back 3 times
Same with Mad Men
Same with Grey's Anatomy
Same with .........

The internet
I'm probably not alone with this one
Who hasn't looked up from their computer screen and realised that 4 hours have gone by since you last moved
I know I need to sign off when I'm holding my pee so I think I'm going to burst
I'm not a huge Facebook fan but endless google searches about anything and everything keep me plenty occupied
Hands up if you're addicted to the internet!

Tea
I don't drink coffee but I sure as hell am addicted to tea
I'm up about an hour and a half and  I'm on my third cup of tea
And I have special cups that I drink out of
I'm afraid to count how many I drink a day
I remember in treatment they took my big cup off me and replaced it with a small one
Ididn't see the big deal until they pointed out I was getting up 3 times a night to make tea
They locked the kitchen after that
I think the tea is a comfort thing, a nice warm drink that soothes the soul
That and the caffeine of course

Exercise
Once I start I find it hard to stop
If I don't get 2-3 walks a day I freak out a bit
Having 2 dogs is my excuse and I'm sticking to it

Cigarettes
The worst culprit of all
I hate that I love them
I wish I'd never started
My dad gave them up recently and made it look very easy
And yes I 'm afraid to give them up incase I gain weight

Shopping
I can go through phases of spending money like a maniac
Money that I don't have
My weakness is clothes
And internet shopping
It's so easy just to click
It doesn't feel like spending money at all

Shoplifting
This is part of my ED
I went through a period where I shoplifted a lot
Food
Clothes
Make up
Jewellery
Anything without a security tag

Oh I almost forgot medication
I've been taking it for so long I forget to count it, 10 years now
Methadone is the most addictive of the meds I am on
However I'm weaning off it slowly, it's taking years
I am mentally and physically addicted to my meds
If I don't have them for some reason, I really lose my shit
They are like a buffer between me and reality

On that note I was wondering about you
Are you addicted to anything be it drink, drugs or the weird and the wonderful
I'd love to know

Toothache update

I rang my dentist at 9am
I explained my situation
That I was in severe pain
And I didn't sleep a wink with the horrible throbbing in my tooth
I was in agony
They told me to go straight in
I was glad because by this stage I felt like banging my head off a brick wall
I downed some painkillers and my mother and I set off

I arrived there about 10 15am
But there was some sort of dental emergency happening
And I was told to come back in an hour
I silently cursed under my breath and left

To distract myself I bought a pair of slippers and trousers

The hour dragged
And eventually it was time to go back


I was called in and I sat down on the chair
He lowered the chair so far back that my head was resting on his chest
Uncomfortable much?
He looked at my teeth and said that my last remaining back tooth would have to come out
I didn't care
I was in so much pain I wouldn't have cared if he took every tooth in my head out
Anything but this pain
He injected my gums to numb them
And I went out to the waiting room

I'm always paranoid that my gums are not numb enough
I kept probing my tooth to see if I could feel anything
I didn't feel too numb at all
Soon I was called back in
I told the dentist my fear that my gum wasn't properly numb
He said he would start and if I felt any pain he would stop
Oh my good God
I didn't like the sound of that
He picked up an instrument and began to loosen my tooth
But as soon as he had started I felt a red hot pain straight away
My knee jerk reaction was to pull his hands away from my mouth
And that's what I did
'Don't touch my hands' he snapped
Well excuse for not wanting you to take my tooth out while my gum is not numb

More injections
Many more
It hurt like nobodies business
Then he began again
This time I couldn't feel anything
Just a lot of pressure and pulling
I squeezed my eyes shut and prayed for it to be over
My head was being pulled in unnatural positions
And it seemed to be taking a long time
10 minutes later and the tooth still wasn't out
I could feel bits of it breaking off and landing on my tongue
I was starting to freak out slightly
As I had no clue what was going on
The dental assistant kept saying 'You're so brave Ruby, you're a great patient'
I felt like saying Fuck you, you horrible dentist, get your hands off me
But I didn't
I put up
And shut up
And resisted the urge to get up and run out of the room
Tooth or no tooth

Another 5 minutes later and I still wasn't sure what was going on
Lots of pressure
Lots of pulling and probing and pushing
All of a sudden it became too much
I could feel tears stinging the back of my eyes
With a final crack and crunch the tooth came out
'There' the dentist said
'Is it out' I asked
'Yes but it was a very difficult extraction' he replied
No shit Sherlock
I just sat through the bloody thing

I tried to keep my dignity in tact and stood up even though my legs felt like jelly
When the assistant saw me crying she told me that I had done really well
And handed me a tissue
My Mother was sitting in the waiting room
I started to sob
It was the most horrific dentist experience that I have ever had

The dentist told that I couldn't smoke for a week
I obeyed that instruction for all of 5 minutes
And lit up the minute I got outside

By now I was feeling very sorry for myself
I just wanted to go home
Thankfully the guilty culprit is now gone
It's such a relief not to be in pain
To feel normal again

I'm home now
I'm going to have a cup of tea
And have a little rest
Nighty night

Toothache

For about the last 10 days I have had a horrific tooth ache

I finally got my big butt to the dentist yesterday

After checking my teeth

He said that I needed two fillings and an extraction

And he would do the two fillings then

He injected my upper gum

And I went out to the waiting room to wait for the numbness to set

I'm not afraid of the dentist

I've been so many times over the last couple of years

It's no big deal

A few minutes later and I was called back in

He started to work on my teeth

'I hope this works' he said at one point

'If you still have pain tomorrow come back in'

What the.....? I thought to myself

I kept my eyes shut through the whole procedure

I hate seeing the instruments

But I felt nothing

Just pressure and scraping

It wasn't too bad at all

Then it was over

I rinsed my  mouth and got my things together

And made another appointment for next week

But even as I was walking over to the car

I could still feel the pain

It was still there

It was after 5pm so there was no point going back to the dentist

So I stocked up on painkillers and went home

Ones with codeine in them which I'm not supposed to take

But hell I am not putting up with a toothache all night

I arrived home shattered

I took some painkillers and hoped and prayed that the pain wouldn't be too bad

But it was bad

And gradually got worse through out the evening

It was so bad that I couldn't sleep

Hence why I am up so early writing this post

Waiting for 9am so I can ring the dentist for another appointment today

I swear toothache is one of the worst pains

Like a splitting migraine

Only in your mouth

At times I felt like screaming

Like pulling it out myself

I bite the head off anyone that talks to me

The pain is driving me loopy

Any ideas out there for what is good for a toothache?

Weight Progress 2013 - 2014

I decided to track my weight from summer 2013 - now

Not to torture myself that I have put on so much weight

But to see how far I have come

From that skinny scared girl

To the woman that I am becoming

It feels so weird to say that, woman

But that's what I am

Whether I like it or not

Of course my progress is not just the fact that I now take up more space

Other changes have happened

My mood finally improved, Praise the Lord

I'm more accepting of myself

I'm more positive

I now see friends

I now live my life more than I ever did

Of course there is still much work to do

But at lease I have made a start

July 2013

September 2013

December 2013

March 2014

March 2014 (Was quite shocked to see this photo)

March 2014

March 2014

May 2014

May 2014

May 2014

June 2014

June 2014

June 2014

End of June 2014

It's ok not to be ok

Thank you everyone for your kind comments, emails and messages of support
It truly means more than you know

It's Monday
A new week
A fresh start
I am glad to see the back of the weekend
Thankfully I slept last night
I was so wiped out
I woke up this morning with a slightly more positive perspective
I am determined not to let this slip turn in to relapse

I went to the doctor
I couldn't see the road pulling out of my house in my car
But I pulled out anyway
The next thing I heard my mother scream
I looked in my rear view mirror and saw a car behind me
I braced myself for the impact
Thankfully the car was going slowly so was able to stop
Why do I take such chances?

My doctor broke his ankle
So we spent  the few minutes talking about that
I didn't tell him about my horrible weekend
I collected my meds and took them properly
I was so tempted to take more and sleep for the day
But I didn't
I need to face these feelings
Not run away from them

I meant to be going to my nutrition course today
We are supposed to be cooking spaghetti bolognase
I just can't face it
I can't face other people
And I sure as heck can't face eating in front of them
I'm tired
I'm going to take it easy today
I'm going to mind myself
Be kind to myself
I gave myself such a hard time over the weekend
I need to take care of myself

I have calmed down a bit after the weight gain
Gosh weight is such a minefield
One minute I was fine
I was happy enough in my own skin
Then I weighed myself
And the shit hit the fan
Nothing had changed
I hadn't changed
All that was different was that I now knew my weight in kilos
That little number that has so much power over me

I just don't understand it
Everyone keeps telling me that they can't see the gain
That I still look underweight
But the reality is that I have gained over 10 kilos in the last few months
The reality is that I have gone from being underweight to an almost healthy weight

Even though I feel like it
I am not giving up
It's true
I can't be in great form every day
That is not realistic
Even the most well adjusted person has bad days
Or a bad week
It's perfectly normal
And it's ok
It's ok not to be ok
Not to be prefect

They say that becoming grateful can aid happiness
I have a lot to be grateful for
I am relatively healthy
I have an amazing family
Great friends
Dedicated professionals who go above and beyond to help me
2 wonderful dogs
I don't want for anything
I am blessed in a lot of ways
I need to remember that

Recovery is a process
I just hit a bump in the road
I can bounce back
I've been bouncing back my whole
It takes a lot to keep this girl down

I was so blown away by the support after my last couple of posts
Your advice and kindness has been invaluable
Knowing that you are reading and commenting and wishing me well is such a comfort
Starting this blog was one of the better decisions that I have made
I have some truly amazing friends
Such good friends
You have kept me going through all of this

Recovery really is a roller coaster
Ups and downs
Highs and lows
I guess it's all part of the process
It would be really easy to lie down and admit defeat
To hold up my white flag and surrender
But that is not in my nature
I am a fighter
I have been fighting my whole life
I will not let this bitch of an illness take my life
I didn't come through drug addiction only for my ED to kill me

My ED is angry
Angry that I am going against her
I know she is trying every trick in the book to lure me back in
But the truth is my ED does not hold the appeal that it once did
I've been there
Done that
Worn the extra small t-shirt
There are no unanswered questions about my ED any more
It is not a mystery any more
It's not romantic
I can now see it for what it is
A deadly disease that wants me dead
I have no doubt about that

I am going to sit in the sun and read my book
I am going to keep fighting
Keep believing
And most importantly keep hoping