The comments

And so the comments keep coming
I met a neighbour in my local shop yesterday
He held my hand and told me that I had 'improved a lot'
Then when I arrived home another neighbour shouted over the wall that I look 'Fantastic'
Ok
I know that people just want to be nice
I know they want to acknowledge that I am in a better place
I get that
I do
But it's making me feel incredibly conspicuous
I feel like I am on show
Like a prize cow at a cattle mart
I don't like it
Part of me wants to go back to the time when no one commented on my appearance
Because they didn't know what to say

And the thing is
Because you look ok on the outside
People presume that you must be ok on the inside
They seem to think that I have made a full recovery
When the truth is that I have a lot of work to do
My food is all over the place
The purging persists
My food is all over the place
Things are not pefect

The messed up thing is that now I have been dipping my toe in to recovery
I know think that I deserve a treat
Like an alcoholic who treats them self with a drink because they have been sober for 6 months
I feel that I have been doing so well that I deserve to lose a few pounds
Here's how a conversation went with my my Mother earlier today

Me: I think I need to lose some weight

Mum: What?

Me: I'm thinking of starting the Atkins diet (Only half joking)

Mum: What is that?

Me: It's where you cut out carbohydrates and eat mostly protein

Mum: I don't believe in diets

Me: I just want to lose a few pounds, haven't you noticed how fat I am getting?

Mum: Ruby you are just beginning to look normal

Me: So you have noticed that I have gained weight?

Mum: You look softer, more womanly

Me: In other words I am fat?

Mum: I didn't say that

Me: Well I'm starting the diet tomorrow........


And the strange thing is that I actually meant it
A harmless diet?
To lose a few pounds?
What could go wrong?
It is this kind of thinking that has got me in to trouble my whole life

My friend and I were laughing today
As we discussed how our EDs are like using a sun bed
Just like you always think you need to lose a little bit more weight
You always want to be that little bit browner
It's never enough
Never

The fact is that I am a bit uncomfortable with my body at the moment
I have curves and shape and bumps and lumps
I don't know how to dress this shape
It's very complicated
My clothes now fit differently
They cling to my chest and my hips and my bum
It's all just so new
So unfamiliar
Most of the time I don't know whether to strap my boobs down
Or put them on show
And they get in the way now
I am hyper aware of them
It's like I am going through puberty all over again
And it was traumatic enough the first time

I really do feel like an awkward teenager
My period has returned
It was  like getting my first period all over again
My straight as a board figure is now curvy and shapely
It's most disconcerting

The urge to lose a few pounds is strong
To go back to my safe body shape
When I was invisible
And no one passed comment on my appearance

I'm sure that I will get used to all this
I will get through my second puberty
And come out the other side as an actual woman
It feels so weird to use that word
I really have never grown up
And I'm not sure if I want to

I know that this is part of parcel of the recovery that I signed up for
Sometimes I wonder if I really am in recovery
Or am I just telling myself that I am
Because to have an anorectic mind in a healthy body doesn't bear thinking about

I will get used to my body
I just have to be patient
And that is something that I struggle with massively
I want it now
I can't wait
It has to be now
But I will hang in there
I have no choice
And what is the alternative?
The half life we call ED?
No thank you very much



I was wondering about you
Have you experienced these type of comments?
How did you deal with it?

The damage an eating disorder does (Trigger warning!)

This is what an  eating disorder does to your body

And this
You revert back to having the body of a child

This is what an eating disorder does to your face
It withers it
And ages it
So much that you hardly recognise yourself

This is what an eating disorder does to your teeth
Discolours them
Rots them
Breaks them
And these are the good teeth

This is what an eating disorder does to your food habits
It convinces you that food is the enemy







This is what an eating disorder does to your confidence
Shatters it to bits and pieces









This is how an eating disorder makes you feel
Stuck in a vicious circle



This is what you feel like doing when you you have an eating disorder



This is what an eating disorder does to you mind
It makes you feel like you are losing it






This is how an eating disorder makes you feel
Like you are invisible







This is what an eating disorder does to your heart
Breaks it in to a million little pieces






This is what an eating disorder does to your spirit
It crushes it




This what it feels like to fight back
Terrifying
Scary
Lonely



This is what it feels like to regain weight
Frustrating beyond belief



But this is what it feels like when things start to turn around
Like a light shining in the darkness





This is what it feels like when you feel like you might have a fighting chance
Like a sigh of relief





This is how it feels to feel again
Totally overwhelming




This is what it feels like to feel to want to live
You don't feel the pull of death any more



This what it feels like to be around friends again
Like you belong
Like you matter to someone



This is what it's like to love again
Like you are alive at last

Ten things I wish physicians would know about eating disorders

The lovely Kaylee posted this over on her blog New Voice, New Life
I thought it made for very interesting reading
What do you think?




Ten things I wish physicians would know about eating disorders

H.O.P.E

I saw Mary today
I treasure these sessions now
As she will be gone in less than 2 months
And what with holidays I'm sure I won't get to see her every single week

She always starts off by saying 'How have you been?'
Where do I start?
There's been so much change
So much is happening
And it seems to be happening so quickly
It's strange how things can turn around
Just 6 months ago I was in treatment
Losing weight
Generally not doing anything I was supposed to be doing
I had little or no interest in getting well
I had written myself off as a lost cause
I had no hope
No faith
No belief that things could get better
That I had a future
A life beyond this thing we call ED
I was in a black hole of depression
Full of anxiety
Crippled by fear
I woke up every morning with an impending sense of doom
I had this constant feeling that something terrible was going to happen

It's so great that Mary gets to see me in a better place
I've been seeing her for almost 3 years
And for most of that time I have been very unwell
Mary came in to my life just at the perfect time
She has been an integral part of my journey

She asked me if I had been weighing myself
I said that I had once
She weighed me anyway
I didn't look
She did tell me my BMI
It's almost in the healthy range
I didn't have much of a reaction hearing this
It is what it is
I accept it
I may not like it
But I accept it

Mary asked me about coming to terms with my new body
It's hard
I was so slim that I had no bum and no boobs
But now sharp edges and point bones have given way to soft curves
A more womanly shape
I explained that I was getting used to the boobage
But that I didn't know quite what to do with them
The fact is that they are much bigger now
I don't know whether that is a good thing or a bad thing
Mary suggested that I go and get measured properly
And invest in some good bras
She also suggested that I buy a really good pair of jeans that flatter my figure
Shopping?
You don't need to tell this girl twice

I told Mary about the incident at the weekend
She said it was important that I move on
And not beat myself up about it
Easier said than done
But I am trying

I also told her that my food is all over the place
That I'm not eating regular meals
So we made a food plan for the week
I need to get my shit together in that respect
I can't survive on crisps and chocolate
So that's my next mission
To get my food sorted

In other news
My big sister arrives home from Australia on Monday
I am super excited
We get on like a house on fire
And it will be nice to have another heart beat in the house

I just wanted you to know
That no matter how bad things are
No matter how hopeless things seem
No matter how low you feel
There is always hope
Please believe me when I say that
I have been as low as a person can go
I've experienced rock bottom after rock bottom
I truly thought there was no hope for me
But just when I thought that I couldn't take any more
Things began to turn around
The light at the end of the tunnel came in to view
I started to believe that I just might be ok
I can't tell you what a revelation that is
I was hanging on by my finger tips
I barely had a grip on reality
I didn't want to live
I didn't want to recover
But now I have seen  glimpse of what my life could be like
The possibilities
The opportunities
They are all there for me
Recovery is there for me
I just have to reach out and grab it

I am no poster girl for recovery
I am not doing everything perfectly
I still mess up (See Saturday)
I still have days when I don't want to get out of bed
But those days are becoming fewer and fewer
The good now outweighs the bad
The positive out weighs the negative

All I can do is take baby steps in the right direction
One day at a time
Keep in simple
And whatever happens
Keep eating
That is probably the single most crucial and difficult thing about recovery
But it must be done

I don't know what the future holds for me
But the future looks brighter
I will be ok
I just know I will
And so will you

Health, selfies and sharing

I was listening to the radio this morning
There was a woman being interviewed
She was talking about her experience living with and recovering from anorexia
She has also written a book
I only heard part of the interview so I didn't catch her name
She made some interesting points though
She said that in order to recover she had to get her priorities straight
And the number one priority had to be herself and her healthy
She mentioned some things that had helped her do this
Including yoga, accupuncture and meditation

I was fascinated to hear her speak
Especially about her health
I have never prioritised my health
I  have never taken care of myself in that way
When you're in the grip of addiction or an eating disorder
You don'r really think about your health
And when you don't care if you live or die
What does health matter?

When I go to my sisters house
I am always fascinated by the array of pills and potions is her kitchen
Health supplements
Every type of herbal tea
Spirulina (Still not sure what that is)
All these things to help improve her health
It would never even occur to me to buy any of these things
If fact in my eyes it would be a waste of money
Although I'm sure my sister would say that she is investing in her health

The interviewer on the radio asked the speaker if she likes what she saw in the mirror
She said that she doesn't look at herself in the mirror much
She doesn't focus on 'external markers'
She goes by how she feels on the inside
I thought this was such an insightful thing to say
We or should I say I, focus way to much on my appearance
And use it as a bench mark as to how I feel on the inside
If I look well
I feel well
If I don't look well
I don't feel well

She also spoke about social media
And how it can fuel poor body image
She said that she couldn't understand  the phenomenon of selfies
That people post selfie after selfie
And to what end?

This also struck  a cord with me
As you probably know I have been posting many many selfies recently
And have been slightly obsessed with what my ever changing shape
I guess that it is normal for what I'm going through
But maybe I should focus more on how I feel on the inside
Because at the moment I feel good on the inside
It's only when I focus on my weight that I feel upset and distressed

But isn't that the way the world is today
We post our whole lives on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram
We share
We over share
We put every little bit of our lives out there for the world to see/judge/comment
I am on Facebook but I rarely use it
I use my blog as a way to share with family and friends
So I totally understand the urge to share information
I am guilty of that
But I wonder have we lost part of ourselves in sharing so much?
Are we forgetting what really matters?
Not what we look like
Not how many comments or likes or followers we get
But what is happening on the inside
How secure we are with ourselves
I know that I have been posting many photos because I am insecure at the moment
And I need reassurance
In the end isn't that what we all want
To be told that it's ok
That we are ok
That we are enough
Just the way we are
I know I need to hear that

I'm really glad I heard this interview today
It couldn't have come at a better time
Because I am recovering from my recent tooth extraction
It's been very difficult to eat
And of course that was a massive trigger
Because all of a sudden I had convinced myself that I don't need to eat
Dangerous territory Ruby
But after listening to that woman (I wish I knew her name)
I feel a bit better about my situation
I'm ok
Everything is as it should be
I'm ok
I'm enough
Just the way I am



I was wondering about you
Are you able to prioritise yourself and your health?
Do you think we share too much on the internet?
I'd love to know what you think........

Are we all addicts?

I originally wrote this post almost two years ago
I decided to write an updated version as I think it still applies to me

I watched a documentary last night called 'Are we all addicts?' presented by Cherry Healey on BBC3
She explored different different substances that people seem to get addicted to eg diet pills and slimming aids, legal highs, laughing gas (never heard of that one) and viagra
One girl she interviewed had a cupboard full of pills and potions to help her lose weight and she confessed to trying any diet going.
I could identify with this girl as she was a former dancer and had put on weight after she stopped dancing.
I remember when I  danced people were always saying 'be careful when you stop because your muscles turn to fat'
This was of course not true
The presenter of the show also spoke about her battle with weight and confessed to buying diet pills during the filming of the show.
I've bought diet pills twice and twice they didn't work but I can identify with wanting to believe that maybe this is magical answer to all my weight worries
Even though the diet pills didn't work I still have them in my room and every now and then I think 'maybe they'll work this time' and try them again
No doubt diet pills can be addictive but the feeling is also addictive, the feeling that this is the answer to all my problems
The feeling of starting a diet whether it works or not, the promise of happiness
When my eating disorder started it wasn't about weight, I never weighed myself and had no idea I was ill, I just knew that not eating made me feel better, not eating made me feel amazing
It was only when doctors started weighing me that I became aware of my weight and bmi
I learned what an anorexic was supposed to weigh and because I had been given this label I put pressure on myself to stay below that weight
Of course like a lot of people somewhere along the way I got the message that thin equals happiness and success
I know now that couldn't be further from the truth

I know myself that I can get addicted to something very easily, not just to the usual suspects like drugs and alcohol but to anything that gives me a good feeling
If I discover a food I like (at the moment it's twix bars) I eat it constantly and get anxious if I know there are none in the house so I stock up on them
I remember a few years ago my 'food' was drifter bars
I ate them like they were going out of fashion
And then they did
All of a sudden shops stopped stocking them
I remember one day being with my mother in the car and getting her to  drive me from shop to shop to shop looking for these bars.
I felt no different to when I craved heroin
I just had to have them and only them, no other chocolate bar would do
I remember around this time my boss gave me a birthday present of a bumper box of 48 drifters
You couldn't have given me a better gift
He knew me well
They were my drug
Same shit different substance

Television can be addictive to me
I could easily sit in front of the t.v for a day straight flicking from channel to channel watching endless
programmes
Sometimes I find it really difficult to tear myself away from it and will schedule my day around my favourite shows
I used to watch box sets in bed at night for hour,s I've stopped now as I wasn't getting any sleep
I've watched the whole boxset of The Sopranos back to back 3 times
Same with Mad Men
Same with Grey's Anatomy
Same with .........

The internet
I'm probably not alone with this one
Who hasn't looked up from their computer screen and realised that 4 hours have gone by since you last moved
I know I need to sign off when I'm holding my pee so I think I'm going to burst
I'm not a huge Facebook fan but endless google searches about anything and everything keep me plenty occupied
Hands up if you're addicted to the internet!

Tea
I don't drink coffee but I sure as hell am addicted to tea
I'm up about an hour and a half and  I'm on my third cup of tea
And I have special cups that I drink out of
I'm afraid to count how many I drink a day
I remember in treatment they took my big cup off me and replaced it with a small one
Ididn't see the big deal until they pointed out I was getting up 3 times a night to make tea
They locked the kitchen after that
I think the tea is a comfort thing, a nice warm drink that soothes the soul
That and the caffeine of course

Exercise
Once I start I find it hard to stop
If I don't get 2-3 walks a day I freak out a bit
Having 2 dogs is my excuse and I'm sticking to it

Cigarettes
The worst culprit of all
I hate that I love them
I wish I'd never started
My dad gave them up recently and made it look very easy
And yes I 'm afraid to give them up incase I gain weight

Shopping
I can go through phases of spending money like a maniac
Money that I don't have
My weakness is clothes
And internet shopping
It's so easy just to click
It doesn't feel like spending money at all

Shoplifting
This is part of my ED
I went through a period where I shoplifted a lot
Food
Clothes
Make up
Jewellery
Anything without a security tag

Oh I almost forgot medication
I've been taking it for so long I forget to count it, 10 years now
Methadone is the most addictive of the meds I am on
However I'm weaning off it slowly, it's taking years
I am mentally and physically addicted to my meds
If I don't have them for some reason, I really lose my shit
They are like a buffer between me and reality

On that note I was wondering about you
Are you addicted to anything be it drink, drugs or the weird and the wonderful
I'd love to know

Toothache update

I rang my dentist at 9am
I explained my situation
That I was in severe pain
And I didn't sleep a wink with the horrible throbbing in my tooth
I was in agony
They told me to go straight in
I was glad because by this stage I felt like banging my head off a brick wall
I downed some painkillers and my mother and I set off

I arrived there about 10 15am
But there was some sort of dental emergency happening
And I was told to come back in an hour
I silently cursed under my breath and left

To distract myself I bought a pair of slippers and trousers

The hour dragged
And eventually it was time to go back


I was called in and I sat down on the chair
He lowered the chair so far back that my head was resting on his chest
Uncomfortable much?
He looked at my teeth and said that my last remaining back tooth would have to come out
I didn't care
I was in so much pain I wouldn't have cared if he took every tooth in my head out
Anything but this pain
He injected my gums to numb them
And I went out to the waiting room

I'm always paranoid that my gums are not numb enough
I kept probing my tooth to see if I could feel anything
I didn't feel too numb at all
Soon I was called back in
I told the dentist my fear that my gum wasn't properly numb
He said he would start and if I felt any pain he would stop
Oh my good God
I didn't like the sound of that
He picked up an instrument and began to loosen my tooth
But as soon as he had started I felt a red hot pain straight away
My knee jerk reaction was to pull his hands away from my mouth
And that's what I did
'Don't touch my hands' he snapped
Well excuse for not wanting you to take my tooth out while my gum is not numb

More injections
Many more
It hurt like nobodies business
Then he began again
This time I couldn't feel anything
Just a lot of pressure and pulling
I squeezed my eyes shut and prayed for it to be over
My head was being pulled in unnatural positions
And it seemed to be taking a long time
10 minutes later and the tooth still wasn't out
I could feel bits of it breaking off and landing on my tongue
I was starting to freak out slightly
As I had no clue what was going on
The dental assistant kept saying 'You're so brave Ruby, you're a great patient'
I felt like saying Fuck you, you horrible dentist, get your hands off me
But I didn't
I put up
And shut up
And resisted the urge to get up and run out of the room
Tooth or no tooth

Another 5 minutes later and I still wasn't sure what was going on
Lots of pressure
Lots of pulling and probing and pushing
All of a sudden it became too much
I could feel tears stinging the back of my eyes
With a final crack and crunch the tooth came out
'There' the dentist said
'Is it out' I asked
'Yes but it was a very difficult extraction' he replied
No shit Sherlock
I just sat through the bloody thing

I tried to keep my dignity in tact and stood up even though my legs felt like jelly
When the assistant saw me crying she told me that I had done really well
And handed me a tissue
My Mother was sitting in the waiting room
I started to sob
It was the most horrific dentist experience that I have ever had

The dentist told that I couldn't smoke for a week
I obeyed that instruction for all of 5 minutes
And lit up the minute I got outside

By now I was feeling very sorry for myself
I just wanted to go home
Thankfully the guilty culprit is now gone
It's such a relief not to be in pain
To feel normal again

I'm home now
I'm going to have a cup of tea
And have a little rest
Nighty night