Mullaghmore July 2014

Myself my Mum, my sister and and Honey and Lea took a trip to Mullaghmore Beach yesterday
I look extremely tired in these photos as I hadn't slept the night before
My sleep is all over the place
Last night was the first time I got in to my bed in a week

Anyway
A good time was had by all
Here is some photographic evidence............

Squashed in the back seat with Honey and Lea

Honey and a jelly fish

I look extremely tired as I didn't sleep the night before

Pulling Teeth

I was at the dentist again yesterday
The third time in 2 weeks
This appointment was a consultation to discuss what can be done to improve my teeth
They really are in a bad state
Discoloured
Broken
Rotten
Decaying
I have very little teeth left in the back
It gets me down
And effects my confidence
My teeth are a constant reminder of how I haven't taken  care of myself over the years

The dentist explained that the first thing he would do would be to put in 7 temporary crowns on my upper front teeth
These would last about 3 months
And would then be replaced by permanent crowns
This would massively improve the appearance of them
He then could put in two bridges to bridge the gaps in my teeth
It all sounded great
Then we had to discuss money
The crowns are 600 euros each
And the bridges are 900
That comes to 5200 euros
Yikes!
I don't need to tell you that I don't have that kind of money lying around

We then spoke to the dentist's assistant about a payment plan
She said that it could be paid off monthly
That is great news
Because otherwise it would have been impossible
She asked me if I was self conscious about my teeth
I told her I was
And then, I'm not sure why
But I told her about my eating disorder
She gasped and said 'God Ruby, how did you get in to that?'
She genuinely seemed shocked
I wonder how she would have reacted if I had told her about my drug addiction

My mother and I left the dentist with much food for thought
Needless to say that I really want to get it done
But I can't do it without some financial help from my parents
My parents discussed it
And it looks like we will be able to manage it

I am so excited
I can get the temporary crowns put in straight away
I can't explain how massive this is
It's a huge step towards getting better
Towards feeling good about myself
For the longest time I didn't give a hoot about my teeth
So to actually care about them is a big step for me
And it's not just about looking good
Although that is part of it
It's about being confident in myself
It's knowing I can smile without flashing horrible teeth
It's about looking in the mirror and actually liking what I see
It's about taking care of myself
Minding myself
It's about being one step closer to recovery
It's about being one step closer to liking myself

Blogging

This blog had 951 pageviews yesterday
I was pretty blown away by this
I've only really started checking my stats recently
They were never that important to me
But now seeing how many people read this blog kind of blows my mind
Who are these 951 people?
I know some of you
But there must be so many that I don't know

I started this blog for me
Because I was lonely
Because I longed to be around people who understood me
I had been reading blogs for a while before I started writing my own
The first blogs I found were Recovering Anorexic over on Wordpress (No longer around)
2Medusa (Which is also no longer around)
Lou over at My life with ed, ana and mia
 Amaris Starshine, who is now Aurelia Young
Peri
Bella
And Yummy Secrets (Also no longer around)

I am blogging just over 2 years
I read back on some early entries recently
I wrote about fasting
Losing weight
Taking diet pills
But over time this blog has turned in to something more positive
It's now a force for good in my life

So many bloggers have come and gone in the last couple of years
Most without saying a word of why they were leaving
I think about them sometimes
And hope that they are doing ok

Starting this blog has been one of the better decisions that I have made
I have made the most amazing friends
The kindest, most caring, most talented people that I have ever met
I won't name you all
You know who you are
You girls have witnessed my journey to hell and back
I have shared things on this blog that I have never uttered to a soul
I have never had one nasty comment on this blog
Instead I have had beautiful comments of hope and love

I know that the general feeling among people is that ED blogs are unhealthy
And I'm sure they can be
But my experience has been mostly positive
And I am very grateful for that
I think what we have here is unique
A community where we are accepted no matter what our illness
No matter what our weight
No matter who we are or where we are from
I've been privileged to witness your journey and be part of your life
Blogging and the girls here have saved my life over and over again
Writing keeps me relatively sane
It gives me an opportunity to get the noise in my head down on paper or keyboard
It's cathartic
It's soothing
It's relaxing
Getting comments is a bonus
I truly love to hear my phone buzz with the sound that I have received a comment

I was wondering about you
I invite you to introduce yourself
What's your name?
Where are you from?
Do you blog?
How long have you been blogging?
Why do you read this blog?
How long have you been reading?
I would love to hear from you
Maybe you read every day
Maybe you stop by from time to time
Maybe you can relate
Maybe you don't
Maybe you are struggling with an eating disorder
Or addiction
Or other mental health issues
Maybe you are in recovery
Maybe not
Maybe you know me
Maybe you have just stumbled upon this blog

Whatever your story
I would love to hear from you

Home from Oz

My sister arrived home all the way from Australia yesterday
I am super excited to have her here
She has been there 10 years
And I have only seen her a handful of times  in that 10 years
She is also 10 years older than me
We get on like nobodies business

Needless to say she is tired and jet lagged
We met up in the kitchen at 3am this morning
And had tea and a chat

My sleep pattern is slowly but surely descending in to chaos
I am not sleeping at night
And then napping during the day
Need to get on top of that

We went for a lovely long walk this morning with Honey and Lea
They are also excited to have her home

Then we went food shopping
I am so motivated to get my food sorted
We bought lots of fresh fruit and veg
Need to broaden my diet
Ie not live off crisps and chocolate

Here are some photos of our walk.........

He he, love this!

Partners in crime

Honey's new bestfriend

Funfair

Honey's friend

A roll in the hay

Purging of a different kind

So I was getting sick and tired of trying to squeeze my newly rounded body in to my 'anorectic' jeans
I think I was in denial that they were too small
I really believed that if I could just hold my breath in all day
Then everything would be fine and dandy
But enough was enough
I had to purge my wardrobe

I have about 4 pairs of jeans that I call my 'anorectic' jeans
Teeny tiny skinny jeans that no grown woman should be able to fit in to
My favourite pair were a softer than soft blue denim that I picked up in France when I was barely 80 lbs
I loved them so
It gave me no end of pleasure to know that I could slip neatly in to them
Well, not anymore
Yes, I can still close them but they look like they are painted on to my legs
So last night I bit the bullet
I pulled all the offending items out of my wardrobe

And no, I haven't got rid of them
I'm not quite ready for that yet
(Oh I just had a thought
Maybe I could throw them in to the lake with my scales!)
No I haven't thrown them away
I've just put them away
Where they are out of my line of vision so they can't mock me that I can't fit in to them

Thankfully, because I have been every weight under the sun over the last few years
I have every size jeans known to woman
So I went through them all  and tried to find some that I felt comfortable in
Here's what I found

Levis that I bought in Australia 2 years ago and have never worn, dark blue
A little big but wearable and comfortable

Fat Face (oh the irony) skinny jeans, navy

Free soul black boot legs jeans, super comfortable

I feel a little better knowing that this jeans fit and are comfortable
If a little sad to say good bye to my old skinnies
Bye bye skinny jeans
You are in a better place now
And so am I
I hope I never have use for you again
I hope you live out the rest of your days at the bottom of my wardrobe
Gathering dust
And being eaten by moths
You have served me well skinny jeans
And you were with me through my darkest times
But it's time say farewell
So long
I hope we never have reason to meet again.......

What the......?

I saw this advertised in my local supermarket the other day
Couldn't resist taking a photo and sharing it with you

Fat balls with protein?
Mmmm yummy!!

Am I in recovery?

Am I in recovery if I still purge every day?

Am I in recovery if I'm still afraid to gain any more weight?

If I don't eat 3 meals a day?

If I think I need to lose weight?

Am I in recovery if I use my meds as a means of escape?

If I envy other girls because of their slim figure?

Am I in recovery if I still obsess about body image?

If I use a sun bed in order to accept my body more?

Am I in recovery if I panic if I can't get a walk every day?

If certain foods are 'safe' and 'unsafe'?

Am I in recovery if I don't go to my support groups?

If I don't feel like I am able to do this for much longer?

Am I in recovery if I feel like a fraud?

If I am trying my best to be in good form so others don't worry?

Am I in recovery if I still think about when I was at my thinnest?

And wonder what it would be like to be there again ?

Am I in recovery if I feel fat every day?

If I can barely look at myself in the mirror?

Am I in recovery if the slightest thing triggers me?

And sometimes I want to be triggered?

Am I in recovery if I still write this blog?

And read others who are not in recovery?

Am I in recovery if sometimes I feel like I am playing a role?

If I look ok so I feel that I should be ok on the inside?

Am I in recovery if I struggle to take care of the most basic things?

And I still feel like a child a lot of the time?

Am I in recovery if gaining weight is still the worst thing in the world?

If I would rather eat my own foot than be fat?

Am I in recovery?

I'm not quite sure........