Reading about recovery

Thank you all for your comments on my last post
You made a lot of good points
And made a lot of sense
My writing, my blog and my state of mind has changed a lot over the past few months
There has been so much change
And it's been tricky to adjust to that
So I'm sure some readers maybe didn't like the change
I was so entrenched in my eating disorder
It was all I wrote about
Day in
Day out
My life had shrunk to just me and my ED
It was all consuming

Now things are different here, over in eating disorder land
I have dipped my toe in to recovery
And have found that maybe, just maybe
There is a way out for me
At the moment I am writing a lot about the things I am doing now I am trying recover
Maybe some people don't want to read that
Maybe people liked reading about my struggles because it is more interesting that reading about recovery
Maybe readers who followed my blog from the start, can't relate to me anymore
Maybe it's upsetting for them to read about some one in recovery

It makes me sad to think that people would rather read about the negative
Rather than the positive
I realise that reading about the extreme highs and lows of life with an ED can make for more dramatic and interesting reading
Recovery can be boring
It can be monotonous
So I understand if that's why some people unfollowed me

But I have to write what is real to me
And at the moment my life revolves around trying to get well
I used to engage in behaviours and write about them
I guess it does make for juicy reading
But why do we want to read about the bad rather than the good?
I say we because I include myself in that too
I have been guilty of being a voyeur
Of watching someone's life implode
And feeling not so alone
And reassured that my life wasn't that bad
Now I tend to read more recovery based blogs
Because I can relate to them more
Reading about weight loss and dieting is just too triggering for me at the moment
There is so much negativity on the internet
It's so refreshing to read something positive

Maybe some people just can't relate to me any more
And that's why they have unfollowed me
I get that
Now that I am trying to recover
I have stopped reading blogs that I find triggering or upsetting
It was a hard thing to do
As I really cared for some of these people
But I have to do what is right for me and my recovery
They say you have to be a lit selfish in recovery
Maybe selfish is the wrong word
You have to look after yourself
And put your needs first
I find this incredibly hard to do
I am always thinking of others
And tend to put my own needs last
But again that is people pleasing
And that is absolutely exhausting
I have to do what is right for me
I have to make sure that I am ok

I guess my ego is a little bruised
I took the unfollows quite personally
I am very open on this blog
I really don't hide anything apart from my real name and my weight
Because I think it's nice to keep something for myself
But apart from that nothing is off limits
Maybe that is putting myself in a vulnerable position
But I know no other way
I need to be honest
And don't see the point is sugar coating things
Eating disorders are a life and death issue
It's that serious

I suppose I can get caught up in the stats of this blog
The amount of followers and hits I get
I think it's because I can get obsessive about numbers
Why?
I'm not so sure
At the end of the day
I am just glad to have people who read these words
And leave comments of hope and love

For those who have stuck by me through thick and thin (literally)
For those who leave comments and emails
For those who wish me well
And cheer me on as I try to recover
For those who are silent readers
And those who are genuinely happy for me
I thank you
Sincerely
And from the bottom of my heart
I won't name you all
You know who you are
It makes my heart swell to know that people are reading
And taking the time to leave some love
Your beautiful words give me faith in humanity
They truly make my day
So thank you to you
And you
And you
And you.........


I was wondering about you
Do you prefer to read about life with an eating disorder?
Or life recovering?
And why?

Unfollowed

I've noticed that in the last couple of weeks
Some readers have unfollowed me
I am wondering why this is
Is because I am dipping my toe in to recovery?
Do some people not want to read about that?
Is it because I have offended or upset someone?
Is because you don't like me or my writing?

It's not the end of the world that I've been unfollowed
But I am curious as to the reasons why
I know I've unfollowed blogs in the past
Mostly because I had out grown them
Or they were very triggering
Or they had stopped posting
What ever the reason
A person has every right to unfollow if they so choose
But me being me
I am wondering if I have done something to make these people unfollow me

I was wondering about you
Why would you unfollow a blog?
Are you upset or curious if someone unfollows you?
Have you unfollowed this blog?
What were your reasons
I'd love to know 

Dublin, Part 2

Of course just because I was on holiday
It doesn't mean that my eating disorder was
I tried to leave her behind
But she stowed away in my luggage
And made many unwelcome appearances
The tricky thing about being away and having bulimia
Is that you inevitably end up having to purge in public bathrooms
Of restaurants etc
I had to purge in many over the two days I was away
Thankfully I am quick and quiet
But it's still not ideal having to do it

Yesterday we having dinner before we left
I had bangers and mash
And as I was still chewing the last mouthful
I was on my way to the bathroom
Telling everyone I was going for a smoke
When I got to the bathroom
There were two women in there
But I was so full
I felt like I was going to burst
So I went in to the cubicle
Locked the door
Rolled up my sleeves
Took off my jewellry
Tied back my hair
And purged
I didn't care that there were people just outside the door
I couldn't stand that full feeling a second longer
When I came out
One of the women kept glancing at me
Does she know what I just did?
If she does
I don't care
I'm  never going to see her again
What she thinks doesn't bother me

My Dad came with us on the trip
I hadn't seen him in a few weeks
When he saw me
He commented that I look very 'healthy'
He said it was great to see me looking so well
I was chatting with him later in the day
He told me that he used to dread coming to see me
As he never knew what state I would be in
I thought this was really sad
I forget that my ED effects a lot more people than me
Like ripples in a pond it touches everyone in my life
To a lesser or greater extent
I guess when I got sick
My whole family got sick too

My sister and I did some shopping in Dublin
My mother told me that she thinks I have a shopping addiction
She is not wrong
It's just another thing I use to escape reality
I can't help it
When I see an amazing pair of jeans
Or a lovely pair of boots
I think that my life would be complete if I had them
I would be happy if I had them
I would feel more confident if I had them
All my problems would be solved
If I just had those boots
But I bring them home
Wear them a few times
Get bored of them
And then spot something else new to buy
I love clothes
But it's an expensive habit
I always argue that I could be spending my money on worse things
But in reality I know I buy way too many clothes

I'm going to London for two weeks on Monday with my mother
I am slightly anxious about it
It's just really hard to have an ED in someone else's house
And there is only one bathroom in the house I'll be staying in
My plan is to eat small manageable portions
And try and avoid purging as much as possible

I'm a bit uncomfortable in my own skin at the moment
I have no idea what I weigh
But there is a lot of me right now
My boobs have grown considerably bigger
And I just don't know what to do with them
Do I strap them down?
Or buy a wonder-bra and put them on show
Also I have a lot of curves now
Sometimes I like them and I embrace them
But then I see a skinny girl
And suddenly pine for my 'skinny days'
Part of me thinks that if I lost just a few pounds
Then I would be happy
But I know that is dangerous territory
I know that is asking for trouble
So I will just ride it out
And hope that my weight settles down
I'm sure it will

Here are some more photos from Dublin...........

We all bought onsies

Natural History Museum

Dublin, Part 1

I spent the past couple of days in Dublin with my family
It is my nephew's 14th birthday soon
So it was a treat for him
I haven't been to Dublin in a long time
I did a lot of my using there
And since I have gotten clean
I rarely venture up there
Because it has so many bad memories
Because I don't want to be reminded of that time
Because I am afraid I will be triggered
But I was with my family so I felt safe

We packed a lot in to the two days
Museums
Galleries
Shopping
Restaurants
Cinema (Planet of the apes, my nephew's choice)
But to be honest
I found being there really quite upsetting
Where as my family saw shops and buildings and architecture
I saw the homeless and junkies and vagrants
Where they saw buskers and street artists
I saw beggars
Where they saw money and wealth
I saw poverty
Where they saw palaces of interest
I saw places where I used
Where I bought drugs
And took drugs
I can't help but see Dublin through those eyes

One very upsetting incident happened when we were walking down Grafton Street
Which is one of the main shopping streets
We noticed a crowd gathered
And walked over to see what it was
A young girl had collapsed in the street
From looking at her
I guesses it was drugs
It was just so distressing to see her
And it brought back so many memories of when things like that happened to me
I was that girl
The girl who looks dishevelled
Eyes pinned
Completely oblivious to what is going on around her
Someone called for an ambulance
It came with in minutes
I hoped and prayed that she would be ok

One other upsetting thing was the amount of homeless people
They were everywhere
And me being me
And knowing what it feels like to have no where to go
And to feel invisible
I had to speak to them
Just to show them that someone cares
That they are not invisible
I spoke to 3 people
The first was a man in Temple Bar
He was writing on the ground with chalk
It read

'I was once just like you
With a home, a job and things to do
But homelessness came and took that away
Now I am on my knees asking for your help today'

I threw him some money and he asked me where he was from
I told him and asked him about himself
He told me that he sleeps in doorways
That he doesn't use the hostels because they are drug ridden
We shook hands
And I moved on
I wonder where he will sleep tonight

The second girl I spoke to was also writing on the ground
I could tell by looking at her eyes that she was on heroin
So instead of giving her money
I gave her some food
She began to cry as we spoke
It was heart breaking

The last man we spoke to was quite a character
He had a dog and a rabbit each side of him
The rabbit made headlines a few years ago
When some cruel person threw him in to the river Liffey
And his owner went in to save him
It was so curious to see the rabbit just lying by his side
I'm sure his animals bring him great comfort

I enjoyed Dublin as much as I could
But I was glad to leave
Too many memories
Too many ghosts of the past
I don't belong there any more
I've moved on
And that's ok

Anyway
A good time was had by all
Here are some memories......

In my Dad's house

The house I grew up in

Hanging out with Patrick Kavanagh

And Phil Lynott

Science gallery is Trinity Colleged

Buskers in Temple Bar

The homeless man I spoke to

Ha'Penny Bridge

Part 2 to follow tomorrow

What I've learnt.....

That people are the way they are and do the things they do for a reason

That everyone has a story

That hurt people, hurt people

That the people you love the most, will hurt you the most

That not everyone wants the best for you

That people won't stay, just because you want them too

That the majority of people are good and kind

That being on drugs turned me in to a person I didn't recognize

Or like

That getting clean was one of the toughest things I ever did

But also one of the things I am most proud of

That anorexia/bulimia is never happy

They want me dead, I have no doubt about that

That a scale is not a good way to measure your worth

That weight loss to an unhealthy level makes me miserable

That I am happiest when my body and mind are healthy

That sometimes disappearing seems like the only option

That no matter how low you go, you can always turn things around

No matter what has happened in life, there is always hope

Always

That I can become addicted to pretty much anything

That I am not and never will be perfect

That laughter truly is the best medicine

That I only am my true self around a handful of people

But it is so freeing when I am

That animals have the power to heal us

My two dogs have saved my life over and over again

That music soothes, uplifts and motivates

That writing does the same

That starting this blog is one of the better decisions I have made

That some people will use you and manipulate you if they think they can

That I am quite a shy person

That it takes time for me to open up

To never say never

That the anxiety and anticipation before an event, are usually worse than the event itself

That I need excitement in my life

That family and friends are precious

That you have to fight for what you believe in

That never giving up pays off

That everything seems worse at night

But better in the morning

That I am stronger than I ever knew

That I can now do things that I once thought were impossible

That there is always a second chance

And a third

And a fourth

That sometimes the best thing to do is nothing and wait

That life is not easy

But what is the alternative?

And then she recovered

The original title of this blog was And then she disappeared
I kept this title for the first two years of writing this blog
Because you see I was planning to disappear
I was so entrenched in my addiction and eating disorder
That I could see  no other way out
I just wanted to disappear

But now I'm not so sure I want to
Now I see that recovery is possible
Now I don't want to disappear
I want to live for the first time in a long time

Please know that no matter how low you go
No matter how bad things get
There is always a way out
I had written myself off
I thought I was a useless waste of space
I truly hated myself and my body
Disappearing seemed like the only option I had left

But things can and do turn around
I am proof of that

I changed the name to Recovering Anorexic

As I wanted to  include recovery in the title

How ever this name just didn't sit right with me

Hydra suggested the name And then she recovered
I love it
It gives a nod to And then she disappeared
But also mentions recovery
Thank you Hydra
Hopefully I can live up to the name........

Best Feature

I remember when I was in hospital
We had a group where we each had to think of our best feature
It was the longest group
As we each tried to think of something
I remember one girl said her eyes
And another girl said her wrists (I wonder why? thinnest part of the body anyone?)
I said my eyelashes
And I stand by that
They are the only part of my body that I think is nice
They are thick and long
No need for falsies here
And weight doesn't effect them at all
They always stay the same

It feels weird to talk about liking part of my body
For a couple of reasons
Having an eating disorder
I am so used to berating myself and my body
Honing in on the the negative
And focusing solely on that

And also in this country it is frowned upon to big yourself up
If someone does this they are seen as 'big headed'
It's silly really
We should be able to acknowledge good things about ourselves
Without fear of being ridiculed

So in an effort to promote some positive body image-ness
I was wondering about you
What is your best feature?
What is the part of your body that you like the most
It could be anything
Your eyes
Your ears
Your nose
Your smile
Your knee caps
Your big toe
Your elbow
Anything.........