Girl Competition

I'm a girl
I've been a girl  my whole life
I have sisters
I have had many girlfriends over the years
And if there is one thing that I have learned
Is that girls like to compete with each other
Especially girls with an eating disorder

I remember when I first noticed girl competition
I did ballet as a young teenager
And every summer I attended a week long summer school in my local ballet school
There was a competition for a spot in the end of week show
So we split up in to groups and choreographed our routines
The competition was held on the Thursday night
And my group won
We were delighted as we weren't expecting it
I remember one of the girls from the one of the other groups threw a complete wobbler
And cried her heart out
Protesting that it wasn't fair
I remember being quite shocked
I mean it was only a friendly contest
But it obviously meant a lot more to her
If I recall correctly
This girl was extremely skinny
I remember she didn't eat sugar of any kind
And was on a strict diet
Looking back this girl probably had an eating disorder
She definitely had the perfectionist traits
I don't know what happened to her
I never saw her again
But when I was thinking about this topic
She popped in to my mind
I think her name was Rachel

Although I was aware of girl competition as a teenager
I myself didn't feel the need to compete
I didn't feel it at home either
I am the youngest in my family
So I felt no need to compete with my sisters
I accepted that they would probably achieve things before I did
And  I was ok with that
I don't feel jealous or envious of what they have
I know that I can have that too
Someday

At secondary school I was aware of competition
But not of the kind you would think
In my group of friends
I felt competition to be the wildest
To be the most outrageous
To attract the cutest boys
To wear the raciest clothes
I too it to the extreme
I wanted to be known as a wild child
As the girl who would drink and take drugs with anyone
The girl who partied the hardest
Laughed the loudest
The girl who was up for anything
The one thing I wasn't interested in was being known as a slut
I had seen friends bounce from boy to boy
And I didn't like it
I started going out with my boyfriend when I was 16
And stayed with him until I was about 24

It wasn't until a few years ago that I started feeling real competition between my friends
I mostly noticed it in others
And didn't get involved myself
I don't know why
Maybe I saw the destruction it caused
But the one area where I did get involved
Was the subject of eating disorders

For the first few years of my ED
I went along oblivious to my own weight loss and low weight
I didn't compare myself
Because I wasn't really aware that I had an ED
Then I went in to treatment for the first time
And boy was that an eye opener
I remember the day I was admitted
I spotted the other girls with EDs straight away
And they clocked me
But it took them a full day to come up and introduce themselves to me
They were wary of me
And I was wary of them
I immediately compared my weight to theirs
And being anorectic I inevitably came to the conclusion that I was bigger than all of them
That made me feel very ill at ease
Like I didn't belong there
Like I wasn't sick enough
It really messed with my head

I've been in treatment a few times over the years
And I've experienced ED competition every time
We would sit around and compare war stories

'I've had my ED for 10 years'

'I've lost Xlbs in the last year'

'I've had an NG tube 3 times.

'Well I've been in inpatient for the last 18 months'

'My doctor told me I was the worst case he's ever seen'

'I purge until I see blood'

And it can go on and on like this

I don't need to tell you how unhealthy this is
But I have had conversations like this
I have competed to be the thinnest and the sickest

Why do we do this?
Maybe because it's all we have
Maybe because we need to feel like we deserve the title of eating disordered
Maybe because we don't feel worthy
Whatever the reason
It is because of this that I have never progressed in treatment
Being surrounded by other sick girls all day everyday
Spending so much time with each other
We start to feed off each other
Copy each other
Mimic each other

I remember during my last stint in treatment
I was experiencing severe constipation
So I started to take a glass of prune juice with my meals
One by one all of the other girls started to copy me
And soon all of them were also taking prune juice with their meals
Constipation or no constipation
It was comical really
But it's just one example of the way things can in treatment

But of course it's not just us ED girls that are competitive
I've known friends to compete over anything and everything
I hate that we can be like this
I hate the one-up-man-ship that goes along with female friendships
Why can't we be happy for each other as we progress in life?
Why can't be celebrate each others lives?
Instead of feeling jealous and envious
We should be standing together
Instead of pitting ourselves against one another
We need to be there for each other
In good times and bad

I think this feeling of competition comes from insecurity
If I am feeling bad about myself
The I am surely going to feel left behind if one of my friends gets a promotion at work
I think we need to work on our self esteem
If we are going to eliminate this competition between us
We need to build our confidence
Be sure of our talents and abilities
So we can celebrate the victories in our friends lives




I was wondering about you
Have you experienced girl competition?
How did you handle it?
How do you think we can eradicate this phenomenon?

The Lucky Tooth

I walk my  dogs everyday
On Friday I brought them down one of the back roads from my house
In one of the houses down there, there is a beautiful red setter
He is obviously young
And always seems really curious when we walk by his house
He wears one of those collars where he gets a shock if he goes beyond a certain boundary
So he can't come out to us
Instead
I have started going in to the garden to see him
And of course Honey and Lea come with me
The red setter gets so excited when we go  in to see him
He runs around from me to Honey to Lea
And can't quite contain himself
On Friday he was jumping around so hard that he head butted me in to my mouth
And proceeded to knock one of my new crowns out
I had to pull myself away from him
And retrieve my tooth
I gathered Honey and Lea and headed home
I managed to slip the tooth back in
But it is not secure at all
So I really need to go to the dentist to get it re-cemented back in place
At the moment it is just kind of sitting there
And it is one of my front teeth
So I need to get it sorted

Then this morning
Myself and my sister decided to go swimming in the local pool
We got our stuff together and headed off
We were the first ones there
And so had the pool to ourselves
I dived straight in completely forgetting about my lose tooth
But it didn't budge
So I carried on swimming
I swam lengths in the lane
Loving the feeling of weightless ness
Really enjoying it
Then all of a sudden I felt something in my mouth
I didn't know what it was
So I kind of spat it out
It wasn't until I put my hand to my mouth#
That I realised that it was my tooth!
My bloody tooth!
It was gone!

I began to panic
The pool was now filling up quickly
So I needed to be fast if I was going to find it
I motioned to my sister to come over
'My tooth is gone' I exploded
'My feckin' tooth'
My sister as ever, was cool as a cucumber
'Ok don't panic' She said
'We'll find it, you check the water and I'll check to see has it been thrown up on the side of the pool'
I donned my goggles
And started to duck-dive in the area that I lost it
I found lots of disgusting things like chewing gum and sand and ear-rings
But no tooth
I carried on looking
Sweeping the bottom of the pool
And just below the water line in case it was floating
But no joy

I was starting to lose hope
I didn't know what I was going to do
I would have to go in to hiding
I couldn't face the world with a missing front tooth
And a little shard of tooth in it's place
I couldn't talk to anyone
I couldn't show my face
And how would I get a new tooth?
These crowns were specially made
And it would probably take weeks to get a new one
I felt like screaming I was so frustrated
Where is my bloody tooth?
I NEED IT!
GOD DAMMIT I NEED IT!

So I did what my mother always does when she loses something
I prayed to St Anthony
Patron saint of lost things
It went something like this

Hello?
St Anthony?
It's me Ruby
I know I don't pray very much
But I really need your help right now
You see, I've lost a very expensive crown
It's my front tooth
And I really do need it
I am paranoid enough about my appearance as it is
I really don't need a missing tooth to add to things
So if you could please help me
I would really really appreciate it
And I promise I will go to Mass at least once if you help me find it
Thank you
And God Bless!

I carried on searching for the tooth
I really was starting to lose hope at this point
It was like trying to find a needle in a hay stack
I consulted my sister again
And she decided to go and ask  the pool attendant to check the filter
In case it was in there
So off she went
And I continued my duck diving
But really all I wanted to do was go in to a corner and cry
Jesus H Christ
Why do things like this always happen to me?

I decided to do one more sweep of  the pool
I was swimming just below the surface
When something white and square floated by my face
I followed it with my eye
And managed to grab it
My tooth!
Holy shit, it was my tooth!
I couldn't quite believe it
What were the chances of me finding it?
I was over the moon
And so very relieved that I didn't have to go around with a big gap in my lovely new teeth
Oh the relief
The relief

I held the tooth tight in my hand
And went to find my sister
'I found it' I shouted when I found her in the dressing room
'Yay, high five' she replied
And we did a little happy dance to celebrate

I put the tooth in my shoe
And went back in to finish my swim
Safe in the knowledge that it was ok

So my tooth is back in it's rightful place
And I am being very careful not to lose it again
What a lucky tooth!

Body Shapes

When I was in treatment
We had a body image class every week
One week we had to wear leggings and a tight top
We had to look in the huge mirror (That was kept behind a curtain)
And determine which body shape were
From these shapes here



I found it quite easy to recognize others shape
But when it came to my own
I couldn't figure out which one I was
If I remember correctly I thought I might have been an apple shape
But I was told that I was a neat hourglass

I went swimming this morning
And as I caught sight of my reflection
I could see that yes, I actually do have a neat hourglass
I have boobs
I have hips
And I am quite curvy
So am I happy with this body shape?
Well.....
I guess it's not too shabby
Not too shabby at all

Which body shape are you?
Do you find it easy/hard to identify which shape you are?

Tainted Insight

My sister saw this exhibition in MCA in Sydney
It was called Art Express
And it was done by teenagers
This one caught my eye as it is about anorexia nervosa
It's called Tainted Insight
What can you spot in the picture?

Smoke?

I started smoking when I was just 13 years old
I had just started secondary school
And had made a new bestfriend
We were kindred spirits
We both hated school and all the bullshit politics that went with it
She introduced me to cigarettes
And taught me how to inhale
We used to go to the local shop and buy 10 Silk Cut purple
I remember they cost £1.61
We went in to a building site beside the school
And hid behind one of the structures
Where we huffed and puffed and chain smoked
We weren't doing it to be cool
We were doing it because we were looking for something
Something to make us feel like we belonged
Like we were part of something

I have smoked every single day since then
20 years of poisoning my lungs
Before I gave up I was smoking up to 30 a day
Although if anyone asked me, I said I smoked about 15 a day
I was too ashamed to admit that I spent 100 Euros  a week on the filthy habit
But out of those 30 a day
I would say that I only really enjoyed about 5 of them
My favourite smoke of the day was my first one in the morning
It was a little ritual of mine
To make a cup of tea
Light a smoke
And settle down on my favourite chair
If I was lucky I would get a little head rush
And become a bit lightheaded
I miss that feeling

Most of the other cigarettes I smoked out of boredom
Or habit
Not because I really wanted them
But in the run up to my quitting
I knew I was going to stop when my duty free cigarettes ran out
I was mentally preparing myself
I felt ready
I felt like I had to do it
I had to stop
So the morning of my last smoke came
I sat out in the garden in my Auntie's house
With a cuppa and my book
I savoured  it
Relished it
I knew it was goodbye
The end of a relationship that has lasted the last 20 years
But it was killing me
Literally

For the first day I didn't miss them at all
I was high on motivation and determination
I didn't tell too many people that I was giving up
I didn't want to in case that I failed
Which was a likely possibility
I have never tried to give them up before
Never really given it a fair chance
I decided not to use Nicorette patches or gum or anything
I wanted to see how I would do cold turkey
And so far I am doing ok
But right now
Right as I type  these words
I am dying for one
My tongue is hanging out for one
A smoke!
A smoke!
My kingdom for a smoke!


Sometimes I forget that I have given up
Sometimes I reach for my cigarettes
And then I remember
I am a non smoker now
A non smoker
I like the sound of that
But I get really jealous when I see someone else smoking
I walk by and I inhale to get a sniff of the smoke
And yesterday I was in my car
And I took a butt out of the ashtray and sniffed it
That's how bad I wanted one

I've often heard it said that giving up cigarettes is harder than giving up heroin
Well people
Having given up both
I can tell you categorically that heroin is most definitely harder to give up
No contest!
With heroin you have the double whammy of physical and psychological withdrawal symptoms
That is no joke
I have been through it many times
And I don't lie when I say that I would rather die than have to endure that ever again
With smoking
It's more the habit of having something in your hand and mouth
That is probably why people eat more when they stop smoking
As it fills that need

The main reason that I have never tried to stop smoking before now
Is that yes, you've guessed it, I didn't want to gain weight
So have I gained weight since I gave up?
The honest answer is that I don't know
As I am not weighing myself
I have decided to go by how I feel
Not by how I look
And I feel pretty ok
So let's go with that

But even though I am missing them
Even though I would give my right arm for one
I am glad and relieved that I have given them up
I am nearly two weeks off them now
And to treat myself
I bought a pair of winter boots with the money I would have spent on cigarettes in the last week
90 Euro they cost
It just goes to show
When you put your mind to something
It's possible
I really thought that I didn't have the ability to give up
I thought I had zero willpower
But maybe it has nothing to do with willpower
Maybe it has more to do with just being ready
And being sick and tired of the behaviour
That want
That desire and need to give up
Can out weigh the pull of the habit
Whatever it is
What ever the reason
I am so glad to be free of the habit
I am proud to be a non smoker
I truly am





I was wondering about you
Do you smoke?
Have you ever tried to give them up?
What stops you from giving them up?

There's something about Mary

I saw Mary yesterday
It was my second last session with her
I have my last one next week
And then I'll probably never see her again
It was a really positive session today
We acknowledged the positive changes that I have made
We talked about how far I have come in the 3 years that I have been seeing her
The have been a lot of ups and downs over that last couple of years
Euphoric highs
And crippling lows
But I got through it
With Mary's help
 I got through it

I have seen countless therapists and counsellors over the years
There was  the one who gave me a Weightwatchers book
The one who told me that I was 'emancipated' (I think she meant emaciated)
So many came and went
But Mary was by far the best
I don't know why
Maybe because she had so much experience
Maybe because she understood that an eating disorder has very little to do with food
Maybe because I felt I could tell her anything
Whatever the reason
She has impacted my life more than she will ever know

At one point she asked me how my dogs were
I began to tell her about Lea
When I went in to hospital before Christmas
Lea took it particularly hard
She missed me a lot and it showed in her behaviour
Then her fur started to fall out
She had quite a big bald patch on her back
When I came home from hospital
We brought her to the vet
But she could find no reason for the hair loss
As Lea was perfectly fine in every other way
She wasn't ill
She was eating as normal
I remember wondering at the time if it was stress
The stress of me being sick
And then me going away
Lea is a particularly sensitive creature
So I was worried for her

When I came back from the UK on Monday
I checked Lea's fur to see how it was doing
I was delighted to see that it had fully grown back
And now you would never know that it had fallen out at all
I was telling Mary about this yesterday
She said it was known that animals had side effects when their owners were ill
And that they recovered when their owners recovered
I think that is so amazing
Lea got well when I began to get well
It makes perfect sense

I want to get Mary something
To say thank you
I will get her a card a little gift
She has done so much for me
She's been a huge part o my life
And of my recovery
She has been an integral part of my story
The part where I finally manage to make some progress
Where my happily ever after begins

We talked also about how life can be so unfair sometimes
How some people seem to sail through life
With very little hardship
Everything seems to fall in to place for them
And they don't come up against many obstacles
Mary said it was important not to compare myself to others
But I can't help it sometimes
When I see someone my age with an amazing life
I can't help but feel envious
That's natural I guess
Mary pointed out that material gains aren't everything
And she is right
My mother said to me recently that given everything our family has been through
We are not doing too badly at all
This is so true
My family has had more than it's fair share of heartache and misfortune
But we have come out the other side
Stronger
And closer
And grateful to have each other

I could spend my days feeling sorry for myself and my situation
Yes, I have had it hard
I have had to deal with a lot
But I do believe that everything happens for a reason
Even if that reason is not 100% clear at the time
I firmly believe that my life has a purpose
There is a concrete reason as to why I have gone through what I have gone through
In a lot of ways I am truly blessed
I have an amazing family
Two fantastic dogs
A roof over my head
Food in my fridge
Clothes on my back
In a lot of ways I have had it easy
Very easy
I know a lot of people who have suffered way more than me
There I go comparing myself again

Anyway
I am glad that I got to meet and work with Mary
She touched my heart
And helped me in so many ways
I am lucky to be leaving her in a good place
Now it's time to move on
I know what I need to do to stay well
I just have to do it

Goodbye Mary
Thanks for everything
You are one in a million
There most definitely is something about you......

Daniella Westbrook

I saw an interview with Daniella Westbrook this morning
For those of you who don't know her
She is an actress that rose to fame playing the past of Sam Mitchell in the soap Eastenders
However she became infamous for something else
Her drug addiction
Daniella first took cocaine when she was just 14 years old in a night club
She quickly became addicted
And by age 21 she was spending £500  a day on the drug
Her addiction was widely documented in the British press
She under went surgery to have her nasal septum rebuilt
After it collapsed due to her drug use



After years of addiction
Daniella finally got clean after a stint in rehab in Arizona
She got married
Had children
And seemed to have really turned her life around

However this year has proved difficult for the troubled star
In January, her 12 year marriage to Kevin Jenkins ended
She also suffered a miscarriage soon after
After 12 years of being clean
Daniella replasped

She is now trying to get back on track
And has checked in to rehab

I was sorry to hear this about Daniella
I've followed her story over the years
It was hard to avoid it
But her story scares me
It just goes to show that no matter how much clean time a person has behind them
It's still possible to relapse
No matter how good your recovery is
It is still possible to relapse

Daniella claimed that her relapse was not planned
That she was offered it
And couldn't say no
I don't judge her
If heroin was put in front of me
I don't know if I would be strong enough to say no

I've relapsed more times than I care to remember
For a long time I didn't want to get clean
And so I welcomed the drug in to my life
I truly believe that a relapse happens long before you pick up the drug
A relapse could start of by becoming complacent
By stopping going to meetings
By isolating
By being triggered
It starts with a thought
That then turns in to a behaviour
And before you know it
You are up to your neck in it

It's scary how easily a relapse can happen
I remember I was in treatment about 10 years ago
It was a working farm in the country side
The guy that managed the farm was a recovered addict
He had many clean years under his belt
And was a great help to a lot of people
But after I left I heard that he had relapsed
I remember being shocked
How could some one so stable fall back so quickly?
But it does happen
They say while a person is in recovery
Their addiction is outside doing press ups
Getting stronger
And more powerful

I worry about myself in the future
Part of me still thinks that I have another round of addiction in me
Most of the time I stay clean for my family
Especially my parents
But when they are gone
I wonder will I stay clean
Will I be strong enough?
I really don't know

I've relapsed many times in to my ED also
It can happen so quickly that you don't realize it until it is too late
It can happen to anyone
Even those who have had a substantial amount of clean time
It's like I always say
Recovery is like taming a wild animal
You can train it and manage it
But there is always the possibility that it will bite you

So how can we prevent possible relapse?
I think it's important to be very vigilant
To keep on top of recovery
That is probably different for everyone
For me maintaining my addiction recovery means not using drugs
Attending my support groups
Linking in with other people in recovery
Praying
Step work
And helping others

To maintain my eating disorder recovery
I need to eat regularly
And keep the food down
Allow myself the food that I need
Avoid binging and purging
Moderate exercise
Attending therapy
Seeing my friends
All of these things are essential

I know what my warning signs are
I know when I start isolating I am heading for trouble
When I start thinking negatively
When I start thinking that I know best
When I skip meals
When I deliberately trigger myself
When I start to feel sorry for myself
I know I need to be careful

I was wondering about you
Have you experienced relapse?
How did you come back from it?