The best medicine

I've tried many things over the years to help me feel better
Cigarettes
Alcohol
Drugs
Abstinence from all drugs
Counselling
Therapy
Support groups
Alternative therapies
Medication
Exercise
Prayer
Meditation
Self help books
Treatment
Hospital
Rehab
Out patient
Reiki
Reflexology

I could go on and on and on.....

I've climbed out of hole over the last 6 months
I sank so low
That I thought there was no coming back
But I did
And I came back stronger than ever
And while all these things I've listed helped me
There are two things that helped me get through the last few months
More than anything else

1. My dogs

2. Sense of humour

I don't need to explain to you how much I love Honey and Lea
And how much they have helped me
I think you already know
They have been a constant in my life over the last 9 years
Some times they were the only sane thing in my life
(Lea must know that I am thinking about her
As she just popped her head in the window)
When I couldn't find a reason to get up in the morning
I got up for them
When I wanted to hide in my house
I got out to walk them
They take me out of myself
And remind me to be patient and kind
Their love is unconditional
And they give it in abundance

When I went in to hospital last year
Lea's fur began to fall out
Our vet could find no medical reason as to why this was happening
She was healthy in every other way
Then when I started to recover
So did Lea
And now her fur has completely grown back
I have no doubt that happened because of me
And how much my illness and recovery effected her

And laughter
Laughter truly is the best medicine
For the longest time I did not laugh
Or if I did it was a forced laugh
I had forgotten hoe good it feels to laugh
I mean really laugh
Like a hearty belly laugh
Then my sister came home from Australia in July
I hadn't realized how much I had missed her
We have the same warped sense of humour
And I have laughed more in the last two months
Than I have in the last 5 years
It's amazing to laugh
To just let go
Be myself
And to laugh with someone is even better
It's good for the soul I think

The one thing that I have retained all these years is my sense of humour
My whole family have
We have the uncanny ability to make even the most depressing subject funny
I think this is a good
Even if it is a black sense of humour
I think it's so important to be able to laugh at yourself
And not take yourself too seriously

Something really funny happened today
My sister and I brought Honey and Lea down to the beach for a walk
My sister was running
And the dogs were running after her
They were running so fast that when they reached her
They knocked her to the ground
I was in stitches laughing
It was so funny
Things like this are so important
To be able to see the humour on life is so very important I think
Because what is the alternative?

What has helped you over the years?

33

It's my birthday on Sunday
Usually I don't look forward to  my birthday
Usually it only means that I have clocked up another year in the midst of this illness
Usually it means  that I go out for meal that I don't want and don't keep down
Usually I really don't enjoy it
But this year?
This year is different
This year I am really looking forward to my birthday
I am turning 33
But really I still feel like a teenager
But that's ok
Most people I know feel younger than they are

I am going to enjoy it this year
Because I am striving for recovery
Because I am going to do what I want to do (Afternoon Tea)
With the people I want to be around
Because I feel stronger
Because I feel happier
Because now my life is getting better
Because I am getting better
Because for the first time ever, I believe that I have a future
Because I actually can't believe I made it to 33 relatively unscathed
Because my body and my mind are healthier
Because it's a reason to celebrate
Because my family and I have suffered enough
Because it will be fun
And I deserve some fun
Because it's an excuse to get dressed up and go out
Because I've never really enjoyed my birthday
Because I am worth it

Photos take 2

Ok
Let's try that again
Let me know if you can see the photos this time

As you know
I am substituting shopping for cigarettes
It's the lesser of two evils right now
It's my birthday on Sunday
So I treated myself to some new clothes
That's my story and I'm sticking to it

I kind of feel like I am unveiling a new body to you
As I haven't posted photos in a while
Go easy on me.......

Navy and cream top - Superdry
Jeans -Fat Face

Cardigan - Superdry

Navy Parka - Superdry
(Why do I always look to the right when my photo is being taken?
Inquiring minds want to know!)

Add caption

Brown boots - Blowfish

Warning!

The following comment was left on my blog yesterday
From Fat Bastardo

'You need a theme song like mine fatty'

With a link to his own theme song

At first I thought it was a joke
But I checked out this guy's blog
And the blog is offensive on so many levels
I know that he has commented on other ED blogs too
And has upset and annoyed people

Julia also left a comment to let me know that this person has been repeatedly reported to Google because of the inhumane content of his blog.
His blog was removed from the internet
But has since reappeared
So this is just a warning in case any of you get comments from this person
Please report him
And let's try and get his blog taken down for good
You are one sad individual Fat Bastardo

Zumba!

I have been on the lookout for some classes to take
So I was delighted to see that Zumba was starting in my local community centre
I have never done Zumba before
But was really keen to try
I really didn't want to go alone
So I talked my sister in to going with me
For moral support
And for someone to giggle with at the back of the class
My sister wasn't half as keen as me
But she agreed to come with me

As well as Zumba
There were classes called Insanity on too
I have seen Insanity on the tv
Basically it is a high intensity work out
Exercising for 3 minutes
And resting for 30 seconds
I liked the sound of it
But decided to ease myself in gently with Zumba

My sister and I were lying on our respective couches last evening
Trying to summon up the energy to get out the door and off to Zumba

'Will we go?'

I don't know, do you want to go?

I don't mind, would you rather not?'

We went on like this for some time
Until I finally said
'Ok come on let's go'

My sister put on her tracksuit bottoms
And I donned my leggings
And off we went

We arrived quite early
There were a couple of other people there
So we sat down and eyed up the other people
Then the instructor came
She looked really young
But had a friendly face
We watched as she set up her equipment
She was wearing three quarter length leggings
And a purple head band
She definitely looked the part
I went up to pay
And asked her about the insanity classes
She didn't you didn't have to be super fit to do them
But I wasn't convinced
I decided to stick with Zumba for the moment

The room began to fill up
And the class started
My sister and I tried to stay at the back
But it seemed that everyone had that idea
So we ended up somewhere around the middle
We warmed up first
I kept my hoody on
But by the end of the first song
I had to take it off
Which I wasn't happy about
Because I felt self conscious enough as it was
Without having to remove some clothing

Then we straight in to a dance number
I was a bit meek for the first few minutes
But the choreography  was really good
So I really got in to it
As you know I love dancing
So this suited me down to the ground
The instructor didn't give much instruction verbally
We just copied what she did
Even though half the time I looked like a hippo trying to dance
I didn't care
I was really enjoying it
But boy am I not fit at all


The class lasted about 45 minutes
There was an Insanity class on after it
Just as our class was finishing
They all began to come in
Talk about gym-tinidation
They all looked like pro-athletes
All in their lycra
Their super cool runners
With their towels and bottles of water
I immediately decided that I would not be going to Insanity any time soon
My sister and I dragged our weary bodies out to the car
And headed home

We arrived home and the dogs gave us a huge welcome
You would swear that we had been away for a month!
We immediately put on our pyjamas
I made us tea and toast
And we settled down in front of a movie
We didn't even get to see the first half before the two of us were sound asleep
I woke up every now and then
But couldn't find the energy to get myself down to bed
Finally my sister woke me up
And I stumbled down to bed
Where I slept like a baby

I really enjoyed Zumba
And I love that it made me so tired
I hope to go back next week
But I don't think I am ready for insanity just yet

Checking out, for today anyway

Anyone who read the post that I just posted and promptly deleted
Will know that my head is officially up my ass
But it's not as bad as you think
It's just the back lash from weighing myself
In spite of what you may think
I am ok
No really I am
My last post was a lapse in judgment
I wasn't really thinking when I posted it
And in hindsight it wasn't a good idea
Forgive me
As I said
My head is up my ass

I just wish that my head would settle
I wish that stupid freakin' number would erase itself from my memory
As regards food
I got through yesterday without purging
But last night my sister told me that I didn't eat nearly enough
I'm trying though
I am trying
I guess this is all part and parcel of the weight re-gaining process
It's normal what I'm going through
Isn't it?

21

So
Yesterday it was driving me up the freakin' wall
That I wanted to know my weight and couldn't find out
I searched the house for a suitable battery
No luck
I thought about driving to the shop to get one
But I couldn't get myself together in order to do that
And anyway
The rational part of me knew that I shouldn't do it

After my talk with my sister yesterday
I dug out my food scales
So I can judge the portions that I am serving myself
It also needed a battery
And ti happened to be the same type of battery that my weighing scales needs
So today
After the doctor and the pharmacy
I went to buy a new battery
Telling myself that it was for my food scales
But knowing that I was going to weigh myself also

I got home
And went straight to my room
I didn't give myself a chance to think about it
Or to talk myself out of it
I wanted to know
I just had to know
Whatever part of me it was
The eating disordered part
Or the rational, logical part
Wanted and had to know

I quickly replaced the battery
And stripped to my socks, bra and pants
(Contrary to pro-ana 'tips and tricks' your underwear does not effect the number, at all!)
I stood on the scale
The number flashed up red
And registered in my brain
It was actually bang what I thought and feared it would be
I stepped off and re-dressed
I wasn't sure how I felt
Part me was completely disgusted
Because the last time I saw that number
I swore I would never be back there again
I immediately wanted a smoke
So freakin' badly
But I am 3 weeks smoke free to day
And I didn't want to mess that up too

I went to my kitchen and started to interrogate my mother and sister
'What weight do you think I look?' I asked my mother
'About 7 and a half stone' she replied
I actually laughed when she said this
Because even the thought that I am that weight is just ludicrous
My sister wouldn't answer my questions
And flat refused to get in to a conversation with me about weight
Simply saying 'I don't care what you weigh'
I couldn't actually say the number
So I wrote it down and showed my mum and sister
My Mother was delighted
'Wow, that's great she said'
She genuinely seemed happy
I wish I could say that I felt the same

Next thing was to work out my BMI
It's 21
Twenty
One
I haven't been in the twenties in so long
It's all a bit overwhelming
I probably shouldn't have weighed at all
I should have left well alone
I should have taken all your sound advice
But I did what I usually do
I pressed that big red self destruct button
Because I seem to like to torture myself
Because I am a glutton for punishment
Because I seem to enjoy fucking things up for myself

As I typed this
My sister put a plate of toast down in front of me
But I can't bring myself to eat it
All of a sudden Anorexia is screaming in my head
Berating me
Making fun of me
Insulting me about my weight
I didn't buy any chocolate or crisps today
They are out of the question
Absolutely out of the question

I can't lie
I want to lose
I want to be less
Just a little bit
Until I feel comfortable in my own skin again
Even though I know how this story ends
Even though I know even the very thought of trying to lose weight is ridiculous
The urge is there
It's proving hard to resist
God dammit why do I do this to myself?

I'm hoping this feeling will subside
That the initial shock of seeing the number will dissipate
I can't tumble back down the rabbit hole
I can't put myself and my family through that again
But sometimes I feel powerless to resist

I need to get my head together
Get back on track
But I feel quite alone with this
Because I have no Mary anymore
I haven't got her reassurance
I need to use my own resources
I can't let this slip turn in to a relapse
I just can't
I have too much to lose
And I don't just mean weight

If my camera was working I would show you a photo of myself
But it's not
So I can't
Maybe that's a good thing



Any thoughts?