25

I am 25 days smoke free today
I can't quite believe it
I was such a heavy smoker
And I genuinely thought that I couldn't give them up
Smoking was the first thing I did in the morning
And the last thing I did at night
I loved smoking
I enjoyed nothing more than a cup of tea and a cigarette
But over the last few months I hadn't been enjoying them as much
Mostly because they cost so much
I was spending almost 100 Euros a week on the buggers
My uncle got me two cartons of cigarettes in Turkey
It was then that I decided to give them up
I smoked my head off for two weeks solid
And got through 400 smokes in that time
That's over 30 a day
How did I even have time to smoke that many?

All the while I was mentally preparing myself to give them up
Psyching myself up
Then on the morning of Monday 11th of August
I found myself with one cigarette left
I held on to it for a couple of hours
I really wanted to relish and enjoy my very last smoke
Conditions had to be perfect
I made a cup of tea
Fetched my book
And sat on the seat outside
I lit it,
And took deep drags
I thoroughly enjoyed it
I didn't want it to end
But it did
And that was that


I didn't tell many people that I was giving up
Because I wasn't sure if I would be able to do it
Everyone told me that I had given up worse in the past
But this was different
I don't know how but it was
I decided not to use an e-cigarette
Or gum
Or patches
I just wanted to see how I would do cold turkey
I wanted to give them up when I wasn't at home
I thought it would be easier that way
As I didn't have the same habits as I did at home

Fast forward 25 days
And here I am
I am no officially a non smoker
That is so awesome!

I have to admit that one of the reasons that put me off giving up
Was the fact that I could possibly gain weight
I think I have a gained weight
But I have to weigh up which is more important
To be a skinny smoker
Or a curvy non smoker
I choose the latter
That means so much to me
That I can choose that option
It means that my ED has loosened it's grip on me
6 months ago
I would rather have died than put on weight
How things can change


As I said
I used to have a cuppa and a smoke
I did my best thinking then
And anything can be resolved over a cuppa and a smoke
Now I have had to change my routine
Now I have a cuppa on it's own
Or I might have a few squares of chocolate
And that's ok

There have been other benefits to my non smoking
I have a lot more money now
So I can give my mother some every week to contribute to bills and things
It makes me so happy that I can help out
And anyway
It's only right that I do

Also I no longer smell like an ashtray
My clothes and my breath are all crisp and fresh

I also feel like I am breathing easier
That is a huge benefit

Having said all that
Right now
Right this second
I would give my left arm for a smoke
In fact I have been dying for one all day
I was standing outside a cafe today
And there was a man smoking
I actually stood close to him so I could smell the smoke
And maybe even inhale some
I got chatting too the man
He told me that he had given up smoking before
But he went back on them when his weight reached 150kg
Talk about encouraging!

I am reluctant to give myself too much credit though
As I could go back on them at any second
I do know this
But I am doing the best I can
And that's enough for now

Call me crazy

My mother, my sister and  I  watched a drama last night
It was called Call Me Crazy
And was on Lifetime
I had seen in advertised on tv and thought it looked good
It followed the stories of 5 people whose lives have been effected by mental health issues
First we were introduced to Lucy
Lucy was a petite blonde in her thirties
She had schizophrenia
When we picked up her story
She was being admitted to hospital
And was trying to decide whether to give up studying law or not
She confessed that she heard voices
And hallucinated
She admitted that she had stopped taking her meds
Because of the side effects
She also talked about her younger sister
And how she kept her distance and hadn't been to visit her
I could really relate to that
At end of her story
She was being discharged
And going back to live with her family




Next we met mother and daughter
Amy and Megan
Megan's mother Amy suffered from bi-polar disorder



This story focused on how Amy's illness effected Megan
As she was very young
And trying to manage school and teenager-dom
As well as a mentally ill mother
We say how Amy's moods bounced up and down
From euphoria to depression
When she was high
She was manic
Talking fast
Spending money
And when she crashed
She took to her bed
Needless to say it really effected Megan
But she did her best to help her mother



Next we met Alison




She was coming home from college
And bringing her boyfriend home for the first time
When she arrived home
She realized that her sister was there too
Her sister turned out to be Lucy from the first story
Alison was really upset that she was home
We were told how when Lucy was very unwell
She tried to strangle Alison
Alison became very upset
And spoke about how her sister got all the attention
And she was kind of forgotten about
I know this can happen in families
I know my own sister (The other sister) has often mentioned that she felt that I got more attention and love than she did
I guess it does happen that the sick member of the family soaks up a lot of the families time and attention
But it was clear that Alison and Lucy loved each other
And they were trying hard to get on with each other

Next up was Eddie
Eddie was a stand up comedian
And married
We saw how when he was on stage
He was loud and brash and outspoken
But he was hiding a secret
He was battling depression
When he wasn't on stage
He was tired and listless
And spent a lot of time in bed
His wife didn't understand what was happening
And Eddie didn't tell her much
It wasn't until his wife found a suicide note and pills that she realized how bad things were
That's the thing about mental illness
You can look perfectly fine from the outside
Even though you are dying on the inside
People presume that if you look well on the outside
Then you must be fine on the inside

Last we Maggie (Played by Jennifer Hudson)



As we picked up her story
She was just back from a war zone
And was trying to adjust back to life with her father and her son
Soon after returning home
She got news that her commanding officer had been killed
But she refused to go to the funeral
We then found out that he had been sexually assaulting her
And she was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder
She was having night terrors
And one night she attacked her father
Her son called the police
And Maggie began to unravel
Her son was taken  off her
And she was living on her own in a motel
She was drinking
And generally wasn't well
Then her lawyer arrived
And it turned out to be Lucy from the first story
Lucy was very kind to Maggie
And told her her story
It gave Maggie hope
And she began to put her life back together

I thought this drama was good
Although I thought they would have included an eating disorder story
Given that it has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric illness
I thought it was interesting that they showed how family members are effected
I think it's really true that when one member of the family gets sick
The whole family gets sick
Sometimes it was hard to watch
As I could relate so much
But there was also humour
Which I thought was really good

I took a lot from this drama
Mostly that there is hope
No matter how bad things get
No matter how low you sink
No matter how dark it gets
There is always hope
I am proof of that
For the longest time I was so lost
So unwell
So low
I really thought that there was no way back
That people like me didn't make it out
But I did
I made it out
I still struggle
I still have days when I want to get in to bed and sleep forever
But I keep going
I keep putting one foot in front of the other
And move forward
I have suffered long enough
It's my time to live now

Have you seen the drama Call me crazy?
What did you think of it?

The best medicine

I've tried many things over the years to help me feel better
Cigarettes
Alcohol
Drugs
Abstinence from all drugs
Counselling
Therapy
Support groups
Alternative therapies
Medication
Exercise
Prayer
Meditation
Self help books
Treatment
Hospital
Rehab
Out patient
Reiki
Reflexology

I could go on and on and on.....

I've climbed out of hole over the last 6 months
I sank so low
That I thought there was no coming back
But I did
And I came back stronger than ever
And while all these things I've listed helped me
There are two things that helped me get through the last few months
More than anything else

1. My dogs

2. Sense of humour

I don't need to explain to you how much I love Honey and Lea
And how much they have helped me
I think you already know
They have been a constant in my life over the last 9 years
Some times they were the only sane thing in my life
(Lea must know that I am thinking about her
As she just popped her head in the window)
When I couldn't find a reason to get up in the morning
I got up for them
When I wanted to hide in my house
I got out to walk them
They take me out of myself
And remind me to be patient and kind
Their love is unconditional
And they give it in abundance

When I went in to hospital last year
Lea's fur began to fall out
Our vet could find no medical reason as to why this was happening
She was healthy in every other way
Then when I started to recover
So did Lea
And now her fur has completely grown back
I have no doubt that happened because of me
And how much my illness and recovery effected her

And laughter
Laughter truly is the best medicine
For the longest time I did not laugh
Or if I did it was a forced laugh
I had forgotten hoe good it feels to laugh
I mean really laugh
Like a hearty belly laugh
Then my sister came home from Australia in July
I hadn't realized how much I had missed her
We have the same warped sense of humour
And I have laughed more in the last two months
Than I have in the last 5 years
It's amazing to laugh
To just let go
Be myself
And to laugh with someone is even better
It's good for the soul I think

The one thing that I have retained all these years is my sense of humour
My whole family have
We have the uncanny ability to make even the most depressing subject funny
I think this is a good
Even if it is a black sense of humour
I think it's so important to be able to laugh at yourself
And not take yourself too seriously

Something really funny happened today
My sister and I brought Honey and Lea down to the beach for a walk
My sister was running
And the dogs were running after her
They were running so fast that when they reached her
They knocked her to the ground
I was in stitches laughing
It was so funny
Things like this are so important
To be able to see the humour on life is so very important I think
Because what is the alternative?

What has helped you over the years?

33

It's my birthday on Sunday
Usually I don't look forward to  my birthday
Usually it only means that I have clocked up another year in the midst of this illness
Usually it means  that I go out for meal that I don't want and don't keep down
Usually I really don't enjoy it
But this year?
This year is different
This year I am really looking forward to my birthday
I am turning 33
But really I still feel like a teenager
But that's ok
Most people I know feel younger than they are

I am going to enjoy it this year
Because I am striving for recovery
Because I am going to do what I want to do (Afternoon Tea)
With the people I want to be around
Because I feel stronger
Because I feel happier
Because now my life is getting better
Because I am getting better
Because for the first time ever, I believe that I have a future
Because I actually can't believe I made it to 33 relatively unscathed
Because my body and my mind are healthier
Because it's a reason to celebrate
Because my family and I have suffered enough
Because it will be fun
And I deserve some fun
Because it's an excuse to get dressed up and go out
Because I've never really enjoyed my birthday
Because I am worth it

Photos take 2

Ok
Let's try that again
Let me know if you can see the photos this time

As you know
I am substituting shopping for cigarettes
It's the lesser of two evils right now
It's my birthday on Sunday
So I treated myself to some new clothes
That's my story and I'm sticking to it

I kind of feel like I am unveiling a new body to you
As I haven't posted photos in a while
Go easy on me.......

Navy and cream top - Superdry
Jeans -Fat Face

Cardigan - Superdry

Navy Parka - Superdry
(Why do I always look to the right when my photo is being taken?
Inquiring minds want to know!)

Add caption

Brown boots - Blowfish

Warning!

The following comment was left on my blog yesterday
From Fat Bastardo

'You need a theme song like mine fatty'

With a link to his own theme song

At first I thought it was a joke
But I checked out this guy's blog
And the blog is offensive on so many levels
I know that he has commented on other ED blogs too
And has upset and annoyed people

Julia also left a comment to let me know that this person has been repeatedly reported to Google because of the inhumane content of his blog.
His blog was removed from the internet
But has since reappeared
So this is just a warning in case any of you get comments from this person
Please report him
And let's try and get his blog taken down for good
You are one sad individual Fat Bastardo

Zumba!

I have been on the lookout for some classes to take
So I was delighted to see that Zumba was starting in my local community centre
I have never done Zumba before
But was really keen to try
I really didn't want to go alone
So I talked my sister in to going with me
For moral support
And for someone to giggle with at the back of the class
My sister wasn't half as keen as me
But she agreed to come with me

As well as Zumba
There were classes called Insanity on too
I have seen Insanity on the tv
Basically it is a high intensity work out
Exercising for 3 minutes
And resting for 30 seconds
I liked the sound of it
But decided to ease myself in gently with Zumba

My sister and I were lying on our respective couches last evening
Trying to summon up the energy to get out the door and off to Zumba

'Will we go?'

I don't know, do you want to go?

I don't mind, would you rather not?'

We went on like this for some time
Until I finally said
'Ok come on let's go'

My sister put on her tracksuit bottoms
And I donned my leggings
And off we went

We arrived quite early
There were a couple of other people there
So we sat down and eyed up the other people
Then the instructor came
She looked really young
But had a friendly face
We watched as she set up her equipment
She was wearing three quarter length leggings
And a purple head band
She definitely looked the part
I went up to pay
And asked her about the insanity classes
She didn't you didn't have to be super fit to do them
But I wasn't convinced
I decided to stick with Zumba for the moment

The room began to fill up
And the class started
My sister and I tried to stay at the back
But it seemed that everyone had that idea
So we ended up somewhere around the middle
We warmed up first
I kept my hoody on
But by the end of the first song
I had to take it off
Which I wasn't happy about
Because I felt self conscious enough as it was
Without having to remove some clothing

Then we straight in to a dance number
I was a bit meek for the first few minutes
But the choreography  was really good
So I really got in to it
As you know I love dancing
So this suited me down to the ground
The instructor didn't give much instruction verbally
We just copied what she did
Even though half the time I looked like a hippo trying to dance
I didn't care
I was really enjoying it
But boy am I not fit at all


The class lasted about 45 minutes
There was an Insanity class on after it
Just as our class was finishing
They all began to come in
Talk about gym-tinidation
They all looked like pro-athletes
All in their lycra
Their super cool runners
With their towels and bottles of water
I immediately decided that I would not be going to Insanity any time soon
My sister and I dragged our weary bodies out to the car
And headed home

We arrived home and the dogs gave us a huge welcome
You would swear that we had been away for a month!
We immediately put on our pyjamas
I made us tea and toast
And we settled down in front of a movie
We didn't even get to see the first half before the two of us were sound asleep
I woke up every now and then
But couldn't find the energy to get myself down to bed
Finally my sister woke me up
And I stumbled down to bed
Where I slept like a baby

I really enjoyed Zumba
And I love that it made me so tired
I hope to go back next week
But I don't think I am ready for insanity just yet