Driving Miss Ruby....

I moved to this area when I was about 24
I had always lived in towns or cities
So I never had any reason to learn to drive
How ever now I was living in the country
And if I wanted to get my bony ass anywhere
I really did need to learn to drive
So I rang a driving school
And arranged for the teacher to come and pick me up at my house
I waited in the front garden with Lea and Honey
I was going to leave them in the garden while I went on my lesson
Eventually the teacher came
I closed the gate behind me
And jumped in to his car
He let me in to the drivers seat straight away
Even though I had no experience
But he said that he had pedals his side
So there was no reason to worry
I glanced back in to the garden
I noticed that the dogs were right up against thte gate
But I thought that they would be ok
It wasn't until we were halfway down the road
That I looked in the rear view mirror of the car
And I saw Lea and Honey sprinting down the road after the car
When I saw them
I slammed on the brakes
Nearly sending my driving instructor through the wind screen
The car came to a stop
And Honey and Lea came running up to the car door
I got out and walked them back to the garden
They were not best pleased at being left alone in the garden
So as I tried to leave this time
They decided to have a massive fight
All tangled up in each other
I stayed well back
I know better than to try and stop a dog fight
After a few yelps and my shouting
The finally stopped and lay breathless on the grass
In the end I decided to keep them in the utility room for future lessons

As the weeks went on
And I grew more confident in my driving
My Mother used to let me practice in her car around the garden
One day in particular I was practicing starting the car
It was parked around the back about 10 feet from the shed in front
I was doing ok
Until by accident
I pushed the accelerator instead of the brake
The car jerked forward
And went straight in to the door of the garage
This was a big metal door
I looked up to the kitchen
Where I saw my mother looking at the window
Mouth open
Head on her hands
I put the car in reverse
And scraped out of the door
I got out to see the damage
Thankfully there was little damage to my mother's car
The garage door had bore the brunt of it
However
That was the last time my Mother let me practice in her car

I live in the country
So I had plenty of opportunity to practice my driving on isolated roads
I became more confident
And in time got my own little car
A 99 Fiat Punto
It was amazing to have the freedom to go anywhere
Just me and my dogs
I remember there was a busy junction in one of the villages near me
I used to go and drive in a circle
Through the village
And around the junction
Just to build up my confidence

I was quite confident at driving back then
Probably more confident than I am now
I drove all over the place
And it didn't phase me one bit
That was until I had my first 'crash'
I was pulling out of my friends house
There was a narrow drive way
With pillars each side
I miscalculated how much space I had
And the next thing I heard this crunching of metal
As the pillar scraped along the side of my car
I had to keep going though
Otherwise I would have got stuck
I got out to inspect the damage
The whole left side of my car was destroyed
I remember I had to go home and tell my father
And show him the car
'But it could have been a lot worse' I kept saying to him

That was the first time I did that
The second time was when I was pulling around the back of my house
Again I misjudged the space I had
And again I took the whole side off my car
What a pain in the ass that was to get fixed

Driving has always represented freedom to me
I am now driving 7 years
And although I am not a very confident driver
I get to where I need to go
I love bringing the dogs in the car
Honey sits perched up on the back seat
And Lea lies on the back seat
Every morning I pie them in to my little Yaris
And we head off on an adventure
We always have fun

My Mother is always telling me that I drive to fast
And I do
I guess it's because I know the roads around here so well
They are so twisty and windy
It's like driving on a race track
But I especially drive fast when I am on my own in the car
I'm trying to slow down though
I'm trying to be a responsible human being
I don't have a death wish any more



I was wondering about you
Do you drive?
How was your learning experience?

To wed or not to wed.....

I am now of an age
Where I am getting invitations to weddings of my school friends
And if they are not getting married
They are at least settled in a long term relationship
And having children
I see photos on FB of beautiful smiling girls in white dresses
Or adorable pictures of babies laughing and smiling
I have no problem with this
I would probably be doing the same if it were me
But I seem to be always buying gifts
Gifts when they get engaged
Gifts when they move in to their new house
Gifts and money when they actually get married
And more gifts when they have children
What about us singletons?
What if I decided I am never getting married
Or I don't want to be in a long term relationship
What then?
No gifts?
No lovely home ware?
Or fluffy towels?
Not even a measly toaster?
Why do the married folk get all the perks?
Can I send out invitations to my 'Being single' party?
And everyone can bring presents
And instead of people giving me gifts for my babies
Can I have gifts for my dogs?
Like a little dog coat and cap
Why can't I do that?

Ok
I am getting off the point here
And my tongue was firmly in my cheek when I wrote that last paragraph
Please don't take me seriously

What I really wanted to talk about was getting married
I don't know if I want to get married
Not that I have the opportunity or anything
But in general I don't think I want to get married
Maybe because I have seen so  many marriages fail
Including my own parents
I was never one of those people who dreamed of a white wedding ever since I was a child
If I was ever to get married
It would be a very small affair
And it would be short
Weddings are just too long
A whole day
And most of it waiting for this and for that
No thank you very much

Maybe that would all change if I met the right person
Maybe if I fell in love I would really want to get married
But forever is a long time
And things change
People change
I can't promise you that I will be the same person in 20 years as I am today
I can't promise I will be faithful
I can't predict the future
I can do my best
But that's about it

When I was with my ex boyfriend
We promised to stay together forever
To always be true and loyal
But that didn't happen
We drifted apart
Grew apart
It happens
And if we had got married
It would have been a lot trickier to get out of

I must come across as very cynical
And maybe I am
I know people get married for security
For the children
But it's a very expensive mistake to make to marry the wrong person
Not to mention the fallout with children

Having said all that
I have seen marriages work
I have seen two people fall in love over and over again
I know that it can work
And it must be amazing when it does
But me?
I''m just not willing to take that chance
Not yet any way





With all that said
I was wondering about you
Do you think you will ever get married?
Maybe you are married
Is it all you thought it would be?

ED Free Week - Take 2

As you know
But having had a mini meltdown during the week
That was swiftly abandoned
So this is take 2

If you have any topics or subjects you would like to see written about
Do leave a comment

I'll be back later on with my first ED free post

Ps Apologies for not replying to comments on the last couple of posts
Normal service will resume today.......

Keep going

Ok
As you have probably guessed by now
I have been a bit all over the place this
And that's ok
I was just being self indulgent and feeling sorry for myself I think
Everything is fine
I am fine
I'm just looking for trouble
Inventing problems
Because you see recovery is a different kettle of fish
I thrived on the drama of my addiction and my ED
Recovery is a lot smoother
No extreme high or lows
It's more settled
And for me, that can be boring
The devil makes work for idle hands and all that

I think the trick here is not to let this negative thinking get in on me
I may have slipped
But that doesn't mean I have to let it turn in to a relapse
I am ok
And it's ok to go swimming if I enjoy it
It's ok to count the lengths
It's ok to exercise
It's healthy
And it's good for me
It's ok to eat chocolate
And crisps
But it's important to eat a variety of foods

Enough with the dramatic posts
I need to get back to basics
If Mary were here
She would say 'Firsts things first'
And get my food in order
Above all else it's important to eat (And keep it down)

No one said that recovery would be easy
Or straight forward
Nothing worth having ever is
And I have everything I need
A roof over my head
Food in my fridge
A family to love
2 dogs to cuddle
I am ok
It's ok to have a blip
A bump in the road
The important thing is get back up and keep going
So that is what I will do

Once more

Do you remember a few weeks ago it was my birthday?

And my mothers

And we all went out for lunch one day?

That morning my mother told me that she was really proud of me

Then when we were at lunch

My Dad told me that I had never looked better

And could I please stay that way

That night he sent me text that said this

A great joy to my heart to hear you laughing today

And I had been laughing

I had been telling everyone about my escapades with my teeth

And my family were chiming in with other silly things that I had done over the years

I am fully aware of how many hearts I would break

If I slipped back down the rabbit hole

And when I say 'rabbit hole'

I mean either drugs or my ED

I am fully aware of the devastation it would cause

Not to mention how hard it would be to come back from it

I know I don't have the strength to bounce back from another relapse

If I bounced back at all

I know that even though it looks tempting from here

The reality is a living hell

I know my addiction and my ED are like an abuser

They groom me and lure me in with false promises

It's only when I am held captive that they show their true colours

And how evil they really are

My ED is so sneaky

As you know I started back swimming  few weeks ago

At first it was really enjoyable

I swam for leisure and there was no pressure

But then I started counting my lengths

50

60

80

100

Now nothing less than a 100 will do

I joined the leisure center

So I can now go swimming as much as I like

I want to go every day

My ED wants me to go every day

Even though I know how many hearts I would break

I still feel tempted

Just once more

One more time

That plays on a loop in my head

Just once more

When my ED is whispering in my ear
I need to remember these things that my family have said to me
If I won't do it or myself
I can at least do it for them
I keep having to remind myself that this is not my first rodeo
I've been here before
I've been on this merry-go-round for 14 plus years
I know how this story ends

I guess I just always have that urge to escape
Escape my own head
Reality
This life
Everything
But I've been doing ok
I've been living life drug free for a few years now
And have pushed my ED away as much as I can
I'm ok
I
Am
Ok
I just keep having to tell myself that
I can do this
I can

Untitled

Like a lot of things in  my life at the moment

I am very confused about this blog

I just don't know where it is going any more

I had a huge urge to delete it during the week

To wipe any evidence of me or my ED on the internet

To start a fresh new blog

That has nothing to do with EDs or addiction 

Or any of the demons in my life

To make a clean start

Under a new name

And be anyone I want to be

It's like I forget how to write

Do I write for myself?

Or cater to my readers?

It seems that anything I can think of to write isn't relevant any more

I've also been thinking of taking a break from blogging

But I've said that before

And was back within hours

I don't know

Is there any point in screaming in to the abyss that is the internet?

Does any one really care?

50

I am 50 days smoke free today
In some ways I can't believe it's been that long
In other ways it seems much longer
But it feels good to have reached this milestone
It's been hard work
Fighting off cravings
And trying to find something to do other than smoke, smoke, smoke

I was a dedicated and passionate smoker
I loved it
And I loved my precious cigarettes
Rewind 20 years
And that's when I had my first cigarette
A home made one with Rizla
Crudely made with cheap tobacco
And a cardboard roach for a filter
My friend Lisa taught me how to inhale
I was a diligent student
And practices day in day out
We sat beside each other in school
Pooling our money to but 10 silk cut purple at lunch
We sneaked out of the school grounds to buy them
And hid in a building site
Where we smoked 5 each in quick succession
Dizzy and light headed
We made our way back to class
Our breath stinking of smoke and mint chewing gum
We thought we were so cool

Smoking punctuated my life
There was always reason to go for a smoke
First thing in the morning
With a cup of tea at 11am
After lunch
When I was stressed
When I needed to have a good chat
When I needed to complain
To give out
To console
To celebrate
There was always a reason

I fell in love with cigarettes
With the way I could use them to attract attention
I had seen people smoke in the movies
I knew it could look sexy and smouldering and impossibly cool
I never for one minute thought about the negative health effects
It just didn't seem to matter
When there were so many positives

Then came the drug years
Money was scarce and the drug was the priority
We down graded from cigarettes to roll your own
I never took to them
My boyfriend rolled them perfectly smooth and straight
He gave out to me that mine were inferior
And utterly unsmokable

When we ran out of tobacco
We raided the ashtray
Fishing out butts and the little bit of tobacco that was left in them
Gathering it all together to make one smoke
It was pathetic
But such is life when you are addicted to the drug

Fast forward years later
And I now no longer use drugs or drink alcohol
Smoking is now my only vice
And I use that as my excuse
I smoke like it's going out of fashion
And it was
It no longer held the same allure that it once did
I smoked out of habit
And boredom
I began to hate them
And my pockets were forever empty
The only thing stopping me from giving up was the probability of weigh gain

Suddenly and without very much warning
I decide to give them up
I have never really tried before
So I kept it quiet as I wasn't confident that I would succeed
My uncle brought me back 2 cartons from Turkey
400 cigarettes
I decided when they were gone
I would give them up
It was my 'Last supper' if you will
I went to town with that 400
I smoked my head off for two weeks solid
I must have lit one every 20 minutes
Because I knew the end was coming

Then on Monday morning 11th August 2014 in London
I found myself with my last cigarette
I knew it was the end
I saved it until I was positively gagging for it
Conditions had to be perfect
I made a hot cup of tea
Got my book
And settled myself on the bench in the garden
I savoured it
Relished it
Was present for every drag and puff
All too soon it was over
I smoked it to the butt
Not wasting an inch
I put it out in the make shift flower pot ashtray that my uncle had made for me
I said a quiet goodbye
And walked away

I decided not to use any smoking cessation aids
And in the end I didn't need them
The first few weeks were easier than I thought
I didn't miss them as much as I thought I would
But now
Now it's harder
Now I crave them
Now I walk by people smoking in the street and I inhale deeply
I can't lie
I miss them
I miss them a lot

I wish I could say that I gave up smoking for health reasons
But I didn't
I gave them up because I simply couldn't afford them any more
I was spending over 100 Euro a week on them
I was constantly broke
And now I can manage my money a lot better
I can contribute to the house
I have extra money for incidentals
I can relax a little

So yes
Today is 50 days smoke free
That's 700 Euro saved that would have gone up in smoke
Was it worth it?
Yes
It most definitely was