Confessions of a shopoholic

It's Friday

I wake early

About 7am

I go through my usual routine

I let the dogs out

Make a cup of sweet tea

And switch on my computer

I check my blog  first

As I always do

When I have read and replied to comments

And read your blogs

I feel drawn to check out my favourite on line clothes site

Just for a sneaky peek

Immediately I find a pair of patterned leggings

A a really comfy looking grey snood

It's love at first sight

I feel a chemical reaction just looking at the photos of these clothes

It's meant to be

My wardrobe

No, my life

Would be complete if I just had these grey patterned leggings and grey snood

Just think of how complete my look would be with these items

Think of the confidence boost to walk down the street sporting these funky threads

Heads would turn

People would look at me in wonder

These could be the single most important clothes that I ever buy

A game changer

A life changer

There is no question about it

I have to have them
And I would never need to buy clothes again

I am a very stubborn and determined person

If I set my sights on something

Anything

I do everything in my power to get it

It's like I am blinkered

Tunnel vision

Nothing and no one will stand in my way

It's just a pity that I don't set my sights on more important things

Than a pair of leggings and a snood

I could work towards my education

I could tackle the purging that still blights my life

I could write a book

But no

Oh no

Instead

I shop

And I do it with all the determination of a heat seeking missile

I work out my budget for the week

I am on what they call 'Disability allowance' here

Which means that I am on a limited and fixed income

When I was a smoker

Half that money went on smokes

Now

Half that money goes on clothes

If I wanted

I could make that money go further

I could shop at some of the bigger chain shops

But no

This shopoholic has expensive taste

After all

You get what you pay for

The leggings are a ridiculous price

But somehow I justify it in my mind

They are an investment

They will last a life time

If I wear them enough

They will pay for them selves

And the snood?

Well a scarf is essential gear in the harsh Winter months

It;s not that I want it

I really do need it

I sign in to my shopping account

And quickly click the two items in to my basket

Then click to the payment section

A couple more swift movements

And they're bought

I get a feeling of immense satisfaction when I see 'Order complete' flash up on my screen

I sit back

And enjoy the feeling that possibly the most important clothes of my life are on the way

The time between ordering and getting my clothes is the most fun

The thought that a lovely plump parcel will soon be on my doorstep is enough to keep me eternally happy

I can liken this feeling to when I used drugs

When I had money in my hand

And I was on my way to get the drugs

The feeling of anticipation was intoxicating

The thought that happiness was in the post

On the way

That soon I would feel the warm fuzzy feeling of drugs or alcohol or a parcel being delivered

I crave it again and again

Constantly trying to recreate that feeling

It's fleeting

But addictive

I check my shopping account

My order is pending

I check it again and again

Waiting to see that is has been dispatched

Then I know that it is on the way

And I can relax 

Safe in the knowledge that my parcel of joy is on it's way

I am like a little kid at Christmas
The feeling is that good
I imagine wearing my new clothes
I just can't wait
But waiting is the best part
So I will enjoy it

The next few days drag by
So very slowly
My order has now been dispatched
That means it could be here any day now
Any day

Then on Tuesday my phone rings
It's a number I recognize
The delivery man for the clothes company
I pick it up after two rings
'Hello' I say
Try to be calm and collected
'Hi Ruby'
He knows me by name at this stage
'I have a package for you, are you at home?'
I confirm that I am
And he tells me he will be at my house in half an hour
I hang up
And jump up and down with excitement
It's just like my birthday

For the next half an hour
I sit on the couch beside the window
And wait
I am not a great waiter
I want things and I want them now
But I have no choice in the matter
I have to wait
So I do

I'm just beginning to lose the will to live
When I white van pulls in to my drive
I let out an excited noise
Put my shoes on
And rush to the front door
The driver approaches me with a bright orange package in his hands
It's all I can do not to reach out and grab it from him
'Sign here' he says
And I do
He hands me the package and heads off
I thank him
And hurry inside

I bring the parcel in to my living room
And set it on the floor
I admire it for a minute
Before I tear in to the packaging
And rip it open
The first item I come across is the snood
It's grey
And soft
The softest thing I've ever felt
I put it around my neck
And take a look in the mirror
It's just like I imagined
It's perfect

Then it's back to the package
I open the leggings
Very nice I must say
I quickly try them on
Still wearing the snood
And walk around my house trying them both out
Yes, these will so nicely

Because I am so impatient
I wear them both immediately
I go to the shops
I go swimming
I walk my dogs
All in my new clothes
It's heaven

But the thing is
The novelty of the new clothes does not last part the first time wearing them
The next day
I find myself with itchy feet again
My fingers feel twitchy
The high has worn off
I feel drawn back to the computer
Back to my favourite clothes site
I'll just have a sneaky peek..........

Single, married, other.......

My sister and I watched  a show about on line dating yesterday
It was quite the eye opener
I must admit
I have never used any on line dating site to meet someone
I guess what with a drug addiction and an ED
Meeting someone just wasn't on my agenda

When I was growing up
There was no Facebook
Or Twitter
Or Plenty of Fish
I met boys the old fashioned way
After school
When we went for a sneaky smoke behind the church
I went to an all girls school
And there was a boys school very near us
So we met up at lunch
Stole kisses where we could
It was all very innocent

When I was 14
I met my first boyfriend
He went to the technical school
Which was considered a doss school
He also lived in a rough area
I was always attracted to danger
I went out with this boy for about 8 months
But at that age
It felt like a life time
We were both huge Door's fans
We wrote each other love letters
I addressed mine to 'Jim'
He addressed his to 'Pamela'
(Jim Morrison and Pamela Courson, the famous couple from back then)
But again it was very innocent
We met every day after school for about an hour
We met in town at the weekend
Sometimes I would tell my parents I was babysitting
And go to meet him in his house

Then in the summer
He went away for a few weeks
We were devastated
And vowed to stay together
But
Out of sight
Out of mind
When he came back
I just didn't have feeling for him anymore
Oh the fickleness of youth

Any other relationships I had were drug related
So we won't talk about those

Anyway
Back to on line dating
I know my friends have used Tinder
I know my two sisters have used various sites
I know that my uncle met his wife on line
But I have yet to dip my toe in to that pond
It's not that I don't want to meet someone
Or that I have a problem with on line dating
I just haven't been in the right frame of mind for a relationship
I was fighting for my life
I hated myself
Never mind letting anyone else get close to me

So my sister suggested that I sign up to an online dating service
I was a bit reluctant at first
But the more I thought about it
It seemed like a good idea
Most people in this country meet in pubs and clubs
I frequent neither
So I rarely meet new people
The things I do attend
Well swimming is a solitary activity
Although this morning there was a man talking to me in the pool
Unfortunately he wasn't even my species
Never mind my type
Only joking
That's mean
But it's true

That's another thing
Flirting
I am shamefully out of practice with flirting
I wouldn't recognize someone flirting with me if they stripped right in front of me
I just have  no idea any more
How to meet people
How to flirt
How to date
How to act
How to dress
The etiquette
Nothing
I am a dating virgin
And I need not to be

I guess that's what 'normal' people my age do
They meet
They date
The play the field
Keep their options open
We are becoming more like our sisters in the US
Dating multiple people
And not committing until ready
It would bring some much needed fun in to my life
And boy do I need that
Things have been so heavy the last few years
So much stress
And depression
And anxiety
It's about time I enjoyed myself
And lived life to the Pepsi -Max

So I'm going to do it people
I'm going to pop my dating cherry
What's the worst that could happen?
Famous last words........

M

I saw one of my friends yesterday
Who I will call M
I've known this girl for a few years now
She is also a recovering addict
And recovering from anorexia
So needless to say
We have lots in common
I hadn't seen her in a few weeks
Because she had a lot going on in her life
2 kids
And some family issues
So I was super excited to see her and her little girl who is 5

I was actually quite nervous to see her
Because you see the last time M saw me I was significantly smaller
It's silly really
Because she has gained weight recently
And I feel nothing but happiness for her
That she is climbing out of the hole that is this illness
I don't judge her
So why am I so afraid that she will judge me?


I was barely in the door of her house
When I said
'You probably hardly recognize me I've gained so much weight'
'Don't be silly' she replied
'I'm just glad that you are getting well'
I then asked her if she thought that I looked over weight
(Silly recovering anorectic asking this same question of every one I meet)
'Not at all' she said
'No way'

It's great that M and I are starting to recover at the same time
We are both around the same age
I guess at this age you either check out
Or get better
We have both been ill at the same time
And it's not good
It's not healthy
Even though we didn't mean to
We fed off each other
As addicts do

After a chat
We headed up to the school to collect her daughter
She came bounding out
With a huge school bag that was bigger than her
We gave her a big hug
And went back to the house
M's daughter got out her favourite thing to do
Jigsaws
I happen to love jigsaws too
So we sat on the living room floor
And pieced them together

M made tea
And changed the little one out of uniform
Then we went through the new letters she had learned in school that day
It was lovely

After I couple of hours I began to get tired
So I got hugs from M and her daughter
Said my goodbye's
And headed for home

About an hour after I got home
My friend sent me a text telling me that I look so well and healthy
It was so nice
And I felt grateful and blessed that we are both on the road to recovery
It also reminded me
That I need to seem my friends more often
To make time for them
Instead of doing every thing alone
And even though it's great to do things with my family
I need a life outside of them too

Even though I don't like being on my own
I tend to be a loner
I like quiet
I like time to myself
I guess everyone needs time to themselves
But I also like to be around people
People who I feel comfortable around

My friend was telling me that her mood can be quite low
I told her how my mood has drastically improved since gaining weight
And my anxiety has really improved
I guess seeing my friend shows me how far we have both come
There is just one major difference between us
M attends meetings
NA and AA
And I don't
If you have been reading for a while
You will know that I used to go to meetings
And they really helped
But I stopped going
As I felt I wasn't part of 'gang'
I felt like I didn't quite fit in
And also my anxiety was through the roof
So I stopped going

Now my dilemma is whether to return to meetings or not
Do I need them?
Do they help?
Will it benefit me to go back?
Can I commit to a 12 step programme?
The answer to that is I don't know
I guess I won't know unless I try
So maybe I could do a trial
Commit for a month
And then make a decision based on how I am
An experiment if you will
I like to think of things like this as an experiment
It helps me make sense of it in my head

On another note
Honey was at the vet again this week
The vet still seems to think that it is not a cataract
And that it has improved since last week
I am cautiously hopeful that she will make a full recovery
I would be so lost without my little Honey bunny

Clothes Post # 7

Doing my bit to boost the Irish economy
I am gradually replacing my clothes
One piece at a time
I can't lie
Once I got over the new sizes and numbers
I am now totally enjoying shopping
It's a lot of fun finding out what clothes I like
And who I am
Am I a hippy?
Am I preppy?
Am I sporty?
It turns out that I don't stick to any one style
My style is kind of a mish-mash of lots of styles

Here is today's haul........

I wasn't sure about these trousers, they are knitted but so warm
Perfect for Winter nights

Don't mind my silly expression
These are navy and white leggings
They're a little big but super comfy

3 Months

I am 3 months smoke free today
Day = Made

Smashing my ashtray

R

As you know by now
Monday is doctor day for me
Being on a methadone programme
I have to see my doctor weekly
I'm also supposed to be drug tested every week
But my doctor rarely does this anymore
As I have been clean for quite a while
I really don't like the drug test
My doctor produces a little plastic cup
With a tester inbuilt in to it
I retreat to the bathroom
And try and aim so I get enough pee in the cup
This is harder than you may think
Then I bring the cup back in
And my doctor reads the test
Obviously
The test should read negative for opiates, benzos and  amphetamines
And positive for methadone
Even though I know that my test is going to be ok
I still get nervous
There is nothing worse than having to walk in to my doctor
And tell him that I've used
I  hate to disappoint him
As he has gone out of his way to help me over the years

Anyway
My appointment was unusually  late this morning
As my doctor seems to be in much demand these days
I walked in to the waiting room
Checked in at reception
And walked over to get a magazine to read while I waited
As I was flicking through them
I heard a deep voice say 'Hello'
I looked up
And saw I man I recognized from the NA meetings I used to go to
He was no someone that I happy to see
This man
Who I will call R
Is a bit of a handful
He can be very intrusive
And once he starts talking
It's very difficult to get a way from
I've been to meeting where he attended
And the whole thing descended in to chaos
I've seem him take off his shoes and socks at meetings
I've seen him really annoy people
I've seen him make a woman cry he was harassing her so much
He just has no concept of boundaries
And says really inappropriate things to every one and everyone

Everyone in the town knows R
And most people try to avoid him
I mean he is harmless
He wouldn't hurt a fly
He is a dyed in the wool hippie type
He once lived in a forest that the government were trying to build a motor way through
He is gentle
But hard to handle

I said hello back to him
And he got up and walked over to me
'Jesus you're looking well' he exclaimed
'You've put on weight'
I said nothing
'You looked like you were one of those anorexics or bulimics'
I just stood there open mouthed
Aware that the whole room could hear him and heads were turning
'Are you one of those people that thinks they're fat?' he asked
I didn't know what to say
He just kept talking
'Do you look in the mirror and think you are fat?
He had absolutely no comprehension that what he was saying was totally and utterly inappropriate
And I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable
'I have to go' I said
And walked over to the other room
I saw him leave
And I breathed a sigh of relief

I settled myself in my seat and read my magazine
A few minutes later
He came back in to the waiting room
I kept my head down
And prayed he wouldn't come over to me
Out of the corner of my eye
I saw him sit beside a man
And started talking to him
But then the man was called in
So I immediately got up and went to the little waiting room beside my doctor's room
I saw R leave the surgery again

My doctor called me in
I explained why I wasn't in the usual waiting room
'I was trying to escape from R' I said
'Oh R' he said
He knew who I was talking about straight away
I told my doctor what he said to me
He agreed that it was totally inappropriate
And crossed so many boundaries
Thankfully I was able to laugh about it
And even though it was uncomfortable
It didn't upset me

However
It does raise the issue about commenting on people's weight
I make it a point never to comment someone's weight
You just don't know how they are going to take it
I know that I have stored every comment that was ever made about my weight in the  back of my head under the file 'Self hatred'
I get that people want to acknowledge that I am in a better place
And that I look better
But don't go for the jugular and tell me that I've gained weight
I know that already
I live in my body every day
Do you really think I hadn't noticed?
So please general public
Avoid the weight comments
Tell me my hair is nice
Tell my my clothes are pretty
That my eyes look bright
But please don't address the size of my body
It has nothing to do with anything

I was wondering about you
How do you take weight comments?
Are you yay or nay when it comes to those comments?
Does it bother you when someone comments on your weight?

Update 2 November

Hello friends
I feel this is the first time this week that I have properly sat down and caught up on blogs
I even feel that I have been neglecting my own blog
Usually I post every single day
Usually I always have things that I can't wait to write about
And I'm on the computer first thing every morning
For some reason
This week
It's been hard
I've kind of deliberately stayed away
I guess there are a few reasons for this

First
I just haven't felt like I have anything of importance to say
About my ED
About recovery
About life

Second
Now that I am feeling a bit better
And I am actually feeling my feelings
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by all the girls suffering here on blogger
For every recovery blog
There are 10 girls who are in the midst of a battle with their ED
It can become too much sometimes
And I can't stand to see so many beautiful and talented girls held captive by this cruel illness
It's upsetting
I feel helpless
Sometimes I feel hopeless
I used to tell myself that I my blog was helping people
That I was making a difference
In helping to fight this battle against EDs
But now I'm not so sure

I read an article last week
About how younger and younger children are becoming eating disordered
I despaired after reading it
I really felt like 'What is the point?'
What is the point in fighting
What is the point in any of this
It's really disheartening when it seems that more people want to read about my demise
Rather than my recovery
Why is that?

I have thought about starting a new blog
A clean slate
But I have done that before
Twice I have started new blogs over on Wordpress
And twice I came back to And then she disappeared
I always come back
Because this blog means something to me
It feels like home
And you all feel like family
This blog has documented my life for the past two and a half years
Every little detail has been recorded here
To walk away from that in unthinkable

I guess I am going  through a transition
My body
My mind
I am not quite free of my ED
And no where near recovered
Every day I ask my Mother am I fat
Every day she says no
But I am not convinced
I look back on the photos that I posted this week
And I barely recognize myself
It's disconcerting
I flip between hating my body
To, on a good day, being able to accept it
Weighing is out of the question at the moment
I can barely look in the mirror
Never mind stand on a scale

My Mother keeps telling me to be patient
To hang in there
That I am doing all the right things
And my body will find it's own set point
I'm trying
I am
It's hard
But I know it will be worth it
It has to be

I have another worry that's playing on my mind
My darling little dog Honey seems to be developing eye trouble
Last week we noticed a cloud on her left eye
I brought her to the vet
At first she thought it was a cataract
Which can cause blindness
There is an operation that can be done
But it costs thousands
Then when the vet looked at Honey;s eye with a light
She wasn't so sure
So I don't really know what is wrong with Honey
And not knowing is wrecking my head
The vet gave me drops to put in her eyes three times a day
Honey is not impressed with that
But Honey is a tough cookie
She is a bad ass
It will take more than this to beat her
She is stubborn just like me
A force to be reckoned with
I guess it reminds me that my dogs are getting older
And they won't be around forever
I can't imagine life without Honey and Lea
But I can't think about that
All I can do is enjoy them now

Here are some photos of my faithful friend Honey