I'm really struggling with my body image at the moment
I was due to post a clothes post today
My last one
But when I saw the photos
I couldn't bring myself to post them
I don't look like myself any more
I don't recognize myself
My cheeks are full
My face is moon like
My things resemble tree trunks
Every part of me is huge and grotesque
It's really quite distressing
And it's not just my body
I used to feel relatively ok about my face
I knew that I was no great beauty
Or anything like it
But my face was bearable
I could tolerate it
But now
Well
I feel positively ugly
And can't quite stand to look at myself in the mirror
It's just really horrible to feel this way
And to say that I felt more comfortable in my body when I was drastically underweight is scary
At least then there was less of me
Less of the ugliness
Now I feel like I take up so much space
I feel like I am well over weight
It's making life difficult
I have gone through many periods over the last week, where I didn't eat for a prolonged period of time
I fasted because I want to lose weight
And I feel the urge to do that again today
I hate to say that
But it's the truth
Not even all my lovely new clothes make me feel better
They are now a reminder that I am a bigger size
I don't want this post to be all feeling sorry for myself
But I have to be honest about where I am in relation to body image
Showers are an ordeal
Washing my body
I feel all the lumps and bumps and curves
It can be really upsetting
I feel embarrassed
I feel ashamed
I feel guilty
Guilty for eating
Guilty for beginning to recover
Ashamed that I can't even do that right
My ED tells me that I am a failure
That I am an anorectic mind in a healthy persons body
An imposter
My ED tells me that I need to lose X pounds
I see thin and pretty girls every where I go
And I feel like a heffalump beside them
I know they say that real beauty is on the inside
That the body is just a vessel
That all the things that matter are beneath the surface of the skin
I know that at heart
I am a good person
I try to be the best person I can be
And that my body is just a shell that carries the real person
But that is no comfort to me right now
Right now all I can see is flesh
And curves
And roundness
And more flesh
I guess maybe that is part of the reason that I was buying so many new clothes
To try and make myself look half decent
And that worked
Albeit for half an hour
I just wish that I knew how to make the best of myself
I wish I knew how to dress my new body
How to apply make up
And do my hair
I have no earthly idea how to do these things
I never went through that phase
I want to feel good about myself
I want to look in the mirror and not want to cry
I'm not asking to look like a supermodel
I just want to feel secure
And confident
Is that too much to ask?
I know that I am still on the middle of a transition
I know that my weight and shape will settle down
I just need to be patient
I need to be kind to myself
Be gentle with myself
Instead of berating and insulting myself in my own head
The urge to use ED behaviours is massive
Not to eat
To exercise
To slip back in to old patterns
It would be so easy
I have to keep giving myself pep talks
Talk myself out of going down that road again
It's just hard
It's really f**king hard
I hate being so wrapped up in my own stuff
My very own brand of navel-gazing
But I don't just wax lyrical
This stuff is effecting my life
And confidence
And my mental health
I crave escape
I want to sleep so long that I wake up thin
I think about the oblivion of drugs
But of course that comes at a price
And I am not willing to pay that price any more
Bulimia still blights my life
I can't seem to let it go
It seems that this is as good as it gets for me right now
This is as much as I can handle
I'm just to tired of fighting
Fighting all day every day
Fighting against my ED
Against my addiction
Against my instinct to escape
My urge to disappear
I'm fighting against the huge urge to check out of this planet
To leave this mess behind once and for all
I'm just so tired
Can anyone relate to this?
Has anyone gone through this?
How did you get through it?