Benbulben

Here are some photos of our walk yesterday
We walked around Benbulben mountain
Hope you enjoy......

Finally!

Praise the Lord
My weight finally seems to be settling
I feel like the clouds should part
And sunlight shine through the heavens
Alllelulia
I feel like shouting it from the rooftops!
Finally my weight is settling

When I was last away for the weekend
I weighed myself
And saw a number I can barely bring myself to think about
Never mind type
I really despaired
And thought I was heading for obesity
I felt so out of control
Like I was on a speeding train
And there was nothing I could do to stop it

I don't know happened
As in how I changed my food
And if I did
I am not aware of it
But the next time I weighed myself
I was a few pounds lighter
And now my weight seems to have settled on a number
Fluctuating a  kilo either way
Just like Mary always said it would

My relief is palpable
I guess I also had the worry that I had given up smoking
And we all know what happens when you give up smoking
Everyone gains weight when they quit
That was the very reason I had never quit before
But I seem to be weathering that storm

I know I've said it before
But I really think that an ability to rock what you've got is important
This is my body
This is my weight
I can either go in to a corner and cry about it
Or I can accept it
Be confident
Dress it nicely
Make the most of it it
And work with what God gave me
I'm no super model
I no longer have a super skinny body
But me and my body have been through a lot over the years
And I am just grateful that my body is still here
And in one piece
Given all the abuse its endured
I am lucky to have a body at all

Although it is a slow process
My thinking is gradually changing
I used to think that my ideal body was extremely skinny
Now I want to be fit and healthy
More than I want to be thin
I was so very depressed when I was underweight
Even though I had the one thing that I craved
I couldn't enjoy it
How can you enjoy being thin when you feel so unwell?
And my anxiety?
Well it was through the roof
There were many time when I cried to my Mother
Telling her that I thought I was going insane
And that truly frightened me
The thought that along with all the weight
I was slowly losing my mind
Whatever about my body not working at full pelt
I just couldn't handle it if my mind went too
I remember so many tears back then
So many times when I thought I would never stop crying
I thought I would never be right again
I felt like I was falling apart
The port in the storm that was my ED was always Mary
I really don't know what I would have done if I hadn't had her support
She was truly invaluable

I know there is a lot of work to be done
I still have some really bad days
Days when my purging is off the charts
When I under eat
Or over eat
Or don't eat at all
A lot of the time it feels like one step forwards and two steps back
But the important thing is to keep moving
I will get there

I always have to remind myself that I am 33 years old
I have lived with this illness for 14 years
My family have lived with this illness for 14 years
We all deserve a break
We all deserve to live and enjoy life
And live free from EDs control
God knows we deserve it
Living with an ED is such a thankless exercise
So much work and effort
For very little pay off

I believe
I have to believe
That all of this was for a reason
That my family and I did not suffer in vain
Whether that be to learn a lesson
Or to help others
The thought that we all suffered for no reason is too much to bear
There has to be a reason

I'm actually looking forward to Christmas this year
Last year I was stressed out to the Pepsi-max
I was only home for a couple of weeks in between treatment stints
And I had a family wedding
I don't remember a lot about last Christmas
As I kept myself fairly well doped with medication
But this year
This year I am more present
I am more capable
I am more with it
And I plan to thoroughly enjoy it
I am a Christmas person
I love it
The lights
The trees
The carols
Not to mention the food
Oh food glorious food!
Saying all that
It can be a tricky time of year too
With the whole family in one house
Temptation to over eat
I need to put together a Christmas survival kit
So we will all get through the holidays relatively unscathed

Do you like Christmas?
Do you find it easier/harder in regards to your ED?

Helping someone with an eating disorder

I received a comment and questions yesterday from a Father who has a child currently in Rhodes Farm
The comment was left in the What not to say to someone with an eating disorder part of my blog
He said he is slowly learning what not to say to someone with an ED
But he is finding that there is not much left to say when you take in to consideration all the conversations that you should avoid
So I thought I would hand this question over to you my readers
And then make a post with the results

So I would like to know from you
What helped you when you were in the midst of your illness?
What conversations helped you?
And hindered you?
What do you wish the people around  you knew?
And what do you wish they would do?

Please do comment if you can think of any advice to give this father
I would really love to help him
And give him some hope

New 'Do

My good friend Marie did my hair for me yesterday
I wanted a bit of a change
As I only ever tie my hair up in a top knot
So I told her to take a good bit off the length
She also coloured it for me
I was very happy with the result
(Someone commented once and asked me if I ever wear my hair down
At last, here it is
Down in all it's glory)
I don't know whether I prefer long or short hair
Both have pros and cons
But I am delighted with my new hair
I never go to the hairdresser
So it's great that my friend can do it
My sister says that I look like a politician
I am ignoring her
What do you think?

Outfit for Dublin

As you know
I am travelling to Dublin on Friday
To meet with some friends from treatment
I have to admit
I am both nervous and excited
But whatever happens
I will go
It's a time to celebrate
It' been a year since I was in treatment
And things have drastically improved for me
It will be so great to be able to share that with my friends

So this week
I had to figure out what to wear
It had to be something comfortable
Smart but casual
We will be doing some shopping so I need comfy shoes too
So here's what I have decided on........

Parka - Super dry, navy
Jeans - Blue - Roxy
Boots - Blowfish
Scarf - Dorothy perkins

Navy top with sparkly pocket - Superdry

Comfort Zone

I get a newsletter email every week from the Libero Network
Which is  a 'non profit organization and online magazine offering recovery support, fostering self acceptance and advocating mental health'
Each week they post articles from different writers who submit their work
A couple of years ago
I submitted Lather, Rinse, Repeat
And it was published
This week the theme seemed to be about comfort zones
That really hit a nerve with me

One of the writer was Arielle Lee Blair
Some of you may know her from her site which promotes recovery
She herself has recovered from an eating disorder
And now helps other do the same
Sadly she lost her husband to suicide recently

Arielle wrote an amazing article about leaving her own comfort zone
It was very relevant to anyone trying to recover from anything
Eating disorder
Depression
Anxiety disorder
Any mental health issue
But the article is also relevant to every one else
As comfort zones are something that we can all relate to

I know a thing or two about comfort zones
I would say that I spend 99% of my time in mine
Rarely venturing out of it
Arielle made a very good point

'If being comfortable is all that you know, you may think that you are happy'

This really hit a nerve with me
Arielle described a comfort zone like being in a private jet
You have everything you want
Luxurious seats with plenty of room
Cozy blankets
Sunlight gently shining in the window
Pillows
Cold beverages
Hot beverages
Anything you could ever want
Your favourite movies and tv shows on a screen
Friends
All your favourite hobbies to keep you occupied
Your happy
Your comfortable
You want for nothing

Arielle makes the point that if you strap a parachute to your back
And jump from the plane
If you take that chance
And take a risk
You experience new and wonderful things
New sights
Sounds
And smells that you would never have experienced if you have stayed in the comfortable plane
A whole new world would be opened up to you
We just have to take that leap of faith

My life is one big comfort zone
I live with my family
I have no major financial commitments
I have a lot of support
And friends
And amazing family
I have a roof over my head
And food in the fridge
I rarely do anything that makes me anxious
Or causes me stress

But the thing is
There are loads of things that I want to do
I want to date
To travel
Get a tattoo
Walk the Camino
Go to college
Work
Pursue my writing
Dance
So many things
But I don't do them
Because to do them would cause me some discomfort
And I don't want to feel that

Even in regards to my feelings
I keep myself in a state of being fall asleep at any given moment
I don't experience negative feelings
I don't let myself
I keep myself in a state of numbness
Comfortably numb

Safe is a word I would use to describe myself
I stay in the safety zone
Anything that feels vaguely uncomfortable
I avoid at  all costs

I was having a conversation with my sister yesterday
She was speaking about how she is going to spend New Years with her new friend in Cork
She will be going to a dinner party her friends friends is throwing
So there will be a lot of people that she doesn't know
This is my idea of hell
Having to talk to people I've never met before
Making conversation
I don't do well with that at all
I get very nervous when meeting new people
I am quite shy at heart
And again
I like to feel comfortable around people that I know

I guess fear is healthy
But not if it paralyses you
I know I need to take the next step if I am to keep growing and recovering
It's just hard
But then nothing ever worth having was easy

I love this quote below
Life is ahort
And I want to make the most of it
For the longest time
I wanted to disappear
Life seemed harder than death
I have no will to live
I didn't really care of I lived or died
But now I care
Now I want to live life
And live the best life that I can
With fun
Laughter
And adventure
I don't want to have regrets when I am older
I want to live
And that means taking risks
And moving outside of my comfort zone
I want to live
For the first time in a long time
I want to live

I was wondering about you
Do you venture outside your comfort zone much?
What scares you?

Clumsy

I don't know where this post is going
But I feel the need to write
So we'll just go with it...

Something I have noticed in recent weeks
Is how very clumsy I have become
I literally fall
And trip
And bang my way through the day
Thinking back
I'm not sure when this started
Maybe I have always been accident prone
But it seems to be getting worse the older I get

This year has been a catalogue of mini disasters
Back when I got my new teeth
I had many incidences where I lost them
Like the time a dog headbutted me and knocked one out
Then I lost one in the swimming pool
Three came out when I was away during the summer
And twice I swallowed a tooth
And had to promptly purge it back up
I have learned the hard way to be extra careful with my precious new teeth
I avoid toffee sweets
Crusty bread
And chewing gum
I chew my food carefully
Sometime checking the contents of my mouth with my tongue to make sure no tooth has fallen out
Disgusting I know
But it has to be done

The past few days have been especially full with calamities
I dropped one of my Mum's good bowls in the sink and smashed it
I opened a tin of sardines and the tomato sauce went everywhere
Including all over me
I knocked a cup of tea over in the living room and ruined my Mother's slippers
I knocked a jar of mustard out of the sink
And when cooking today
I flicked a piece of piping hot onion in to the corner of my eye
It burned in to my skin as I struggled to pick it out
And this is all in the last couple of days
Also I am forever tripping over the dogs
Especially Lea
But that's not entirely my fault as she is always under my feet

When I was smoking I really was a danger
I used to sit in the living room
In front of the fire
Smoking up the chimney
I was constantly dropping hot ash and cigarettes on to the mat
That mat had to be replaced more times than I care to remember
I also used to knock over cups of tea daily
Glasses of juice
And anything I happened to be eating that day
I am happy to report that we have had a mat for some months now without any incident
Well, not many anyway

My sister is always telling me that I need to be more mindful
And concentrate on what I am doing
You see
My problem is that my mind is constantly one step ahead of my body
And my body is always playing catch up
So inevitably accidents happen

I remember when I did the mindfulness course back in the spring
That was something that we learned about
Being present in the here and now
I have to admit
I am rarely
If ever
In the present moment
I'm either thinking about something that has happened
Or something that will happen
My mind is never still
It's something that I have to actively make myself do

I think back over the years
And I have had some spectacularly embarrassing moments with regards to my clumsiness
I remember when I asked to my first grad
I wore a pair of shoes that I could not walk in
I was walking down the stairs of the club
Slipped off my shoe
And came crashing down the stairs
I picked myself up
Only to fall again two seconds later
Not my finest hour

I have broken toilets
Fell on people
Fell over people
Fallen over my own feet so many times
Fallen off a trampoline
I have left doors open so Honey has gotten in to a bedroom and peed on the bed
I could go on and on

Something funny that happened the other day
Honey and Lea are not allowed in the living room
But sometimes when my Mum is away
We let them in for a minute
So Honey came in one day
And jumped up on the couch with my sister
I took a photo
And thought no more of it
Then on Friday my Mum was looking through my new iphone
And was looking at the photos
I completely forgot that the one of Honey on the couch was  there
My Mother saw it
She was not best pleased
And me and Honey were in the dog house

I was wondering
Am I the only one like this?
Can you relate to being clumsy?
If you can
I really think we should set up a support group
Ok I'm joking
But seriously
Can you relate?

I'll leave you with a photo of Honey spending a lazy Sunday on her favourite chair
Head on chair arm
And leg hanging down