NEDA

It's National Eating Didorders Awareness Week this week

An important date on the calendar for sufferers and their families

I know it has been in the media a lot this week in this country

My doctor from treatment has been on the tv and radio numerous times this talking about eating disorders 

I think it's so important to talk about EDs

As we all know

EDs have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness

That is a chilling statistic

Eating disorders thrive on secrecy

Sufferers don't want to talk about what they are doing

Because they are embarrassed 

Because they are afraid

And because they are ashamed 

I know in my case

It took me years to even admit to the fact that I had an ED

I couldn't face up to the reality that I had anorexia

As well as having an addiction

It was all too much

I remember feeling so scared and alone at that time

I knew nothing about EDs

I knew no one that had experience with them

And it was so confusing

As I had always loved my food

And now it was becoming my enemy

I didn't know where to turn

Or what to do

Telling my family was beyond difficult

But I soon found out that they had suspected I had food issues anyway

That's the thing about EDs

We think we are hiding them

And keeping them secret

But those that know us best 

Always know that something is up

I think it's so important to talk about EDs and mental health issues

Ten people kill themselves every week on this country

And eight of those are men

Some high profile people have spoken out about mental illness in this country

Which has started the conversation in homes

We are not very good at talking about our issues here in Ireland

We are experts at sweeping things under the carpet and burying our heads in the sand

My family used to be like that

Growing up our house was turbulent

There were issues that badly needed to be addressed 

But instead they were ignored

And they festered and stewed

Almost tearing my family apart

But now 

Years later

We are able to talk openly about out addictions and disorders

And we are closer than ever

My hope for this week

NEDA week

Is that people talk more about EDs

In my mind 

EDs are a way to take some control over our lives

Those with EDs are not happy well adjusted people 

We are suffering

Suffering from low self esteem

We have little or no confidence or belief in ourselves

We are lonely

And afraid

It's no exaggeration to say that hate ourselves

And so we try to take control ovet the one thing we can

Our weight

As we all know

Treating EDs is extremely difficult

You are dealing with someone who might not want to get well

And it's damn near impossible to treat someone who doesn't want the help

I have been in hospital and treatment many times

It was always me trying to maintain my illness

Trying to stay one step ahead of the staff

I saw them as the enemy

As them trying to take away the only thing that was keeping me going

For me

Inpatient treatment did not work

And it took me a while to figure that out

Being around other girls with chronic illness was so hard

And the docks all day was good and weight

I don't doubt that it works for some people

And you have to be so focused and determined to get well in that situation

I began to get well with the help of Mary

It took me a long time 

But eventually I mustered up the courage to address my demons

I found doing it from home suited me much better

I think that inpatient treatment really needs to be looked at

And more out patient treatment needs to be available

This week two years ago

There was an ED convention in my home town

Organised by Bodywhys and Mary

Two days before the convention

Mary rand myself and my mother

And asked us both to speak at the conference

I was terrified 

But I really wanted to do it

I wanted to be honest about what it is like to live day in, day out with an ED

I felt it was so important to let people know the reality of it

I wrote out my speech

And wrote as if no one was ever going to read it

The day of the conference

I was a bundle of nerves

I watched the room fill up

With doctors, psychiatrists, families and sufferers

I held my speech in my hands

Reading over it again and again

Soon it was my turn to speak

I don't remember much about reading it out

Only that it was over before I knew it

I got so much great feedback afterwards

Mary hugged me

And she had a tear in her eye

I hope my speech that day gave  people a better understanding of what it's like to live with an ED

Because often families and friends are at a loss as to what to do to help their loved one

And I think it's up to us

Those of us that are suffering or in recovery

To let others know how to help us

And to ask for that help

Because inspire of what we think 

We can not do this alone

Counselling appointment

So I had my first addiction counselling appointment yesterday afternoon

I wasn't expecting much

As I've had many such appointments over the years

And they never amount to much

Other than me sitting through them

And counting the minutes until the hour is up

But this was someone I've never seen before

A woman

Called Breda

I arrived for my appointment at 2pm

It was in the same place where I see my doctor

Who I ran in to in the hall

He's always very friendly

And says a big hello

I knocked on Breda's door

And she answered straight away

I followed her in

And sat down

I'd been referred from my doctor

So she knew very little about me

Other than I was on methadone and other meds

I explained a little about my history

Which is always a pain

But it has to be done

I also explained about my recent slip

I found her great

Really on the ball

She obviously has a lot of experience

She said that I have come a long way

And even though I have slipped

I have a lot of work done

She was very positive

And very encouraging

She asked me about my days

I told her that I don't have much structure 

Other than picking up my meds

And my dogs

She said it is important that I have a reason to get up in the morning

I couldn't agree more

She also mentioned Mary

And how she is back in get post as eating disorder specialist

She said she would contact her about seeing me again

I am super excited about that!

Breda is also referring me for holistic therapy

Like reflexology and reiki

As she thinks it can really help

I was delighted about this

And it will only cost me €5 per session

Which is amazing!

She also gave me a pros and cons list about my addiction

Encouraged me to stop thinking about meetings and to just go

She also recommended meditation and mindfulness

I came out of the appointment feeling really good 

She said that she doesn't new to see me every week

So I am seeing her again in two weeks

In the mean time I have a lot of work to do 

Breda was great

I had lost faith in addiction counsellors as the last couple I've had were really brutal

It was soul destroying sitting through a whole hour with them

So Breda was a breath of fresh air

I feel a bit more clear now

Of what I need to do to get back on track

And I feel I can do it

If I can just stay away from Thr Boy

Which is harder than you might think

So today is a new day

A day where I don't use 

I don't misuse my meds

I don't text The Boy

Or reply to his texts

I walk my dogs

I eat as well as I can

And i do everything I can to help myself

I am blessed to have amazing support

Even Breda said that I am in a very fortunate position 

I drive

I have my own car

My family are nothing but supportive

I have a safe place to live

I want for nothing

This a great chance for me to get back on track

And I will grab it with both hands 

I believe that there is a life for me beyond my addiction and my ED

There is a course I can do

A job I can succeed in

A boy that is right for me

All this is just there waiting for me

I just need to reach out and find it

My destiny is not to be drug addled and destitute 

Or to die at the hands of my ED

I know there is a better life that I'm meant to lead

A better road that I am meant to take

I don't know what that is yet

But I am sure that if I stay on track

It will all become clear

I just have to do the next right thing

And I will

Or at least I will try my level best

What is the alternative.........?

Doctor Day

I'm just back from seeing my doctor

What a relief it is to have finally told him

The nerves about this appointment started last week

When I realised I needed help

Last night full blown anxiety kicked in

I was dreading telling my doctor

Not because I was worried about what he would say

I mean what can he say?

But because I hate to disappoint people

Especially someone who has put a lot of time and effort in to helping me with both my addictions and my ED

I hate to let someone down

Who has been so good and patient with me through the ups and downs over the years

So needless to say

I was not looking forward to this appointment

Anxiety woke me early this morning

My appointment was at 9 20am

So I had some time to kill

So I listened to Ed Sheeran and Taylor Seift on repeat to take my mind off things

I haven't told my mother or sister yet

So I've really had no one to talk to

Apart from you lovely ladies

But still

I hate keeping this from them

And I think they know something is up

As I've been going out a lot

And have been very distant 

I'm actually surprised that they haven't realised that I am using

They usually can tell straight away

But then I am being very devious and sneaky

And maybe they do suspect 

I don't know

So I piled my dogs in to the car

And my mother and I set off for the doctor

She brought them down to the beach

While I went to the surgery

I had to wait for about 20 minutes

I'm sure the worry was written on my face

I was agitated and fidgety 

At one point I decided that I couldn't go through with it

Then I heard my name called

And saw my doctor waiting for me 

I followed him in to his room

And sat in my usual seat

He tapped away on his computer for a moment

Before asking me how I was

I took a deep breath

And told him things were not good

And that I had some bad news 

'I've been using' I blurted out

He looked really surprised

Shocked even

'What happened?' He asked

I told him about The Boy

Although I made it clear that it was not his fault 

It was all new and my stupidity

He asked me if I had been smoking or injecting 

I told him neither

And explained about the poppy tea

He sat back in his chair

And looked really disappointed 

He asked me some more about the boy

And what I planned to do now

I told him that The Boy is moving

So at least temptation will be further away

At this point he took out a drug test

And asked me for a urine sample

I went off to the bathroom

And peed on to the little cup

It was then that I suddenly thought

What if this is clean?

What if this dude had been given me some muck that he had concocted?

And it wasn't poppy tea all

I was actually worried that the sample would be clean

I headed back to my doctors room

He was still tapping on his computer

After a couple of minutes he checked the sample

'Have you been smoking weed too?' He asked

I said I hadn't

But I had been in a room where it was being smoked

Anyway

The sample was positive for opiates and hash

My heart sank a bit

Now it all seems so real

Before I told anyone 

I could trick myself in to thinking that it wasn't that bad

And that there was nothing really to worry about

But seeing how serious my doctor took me today

I can see that I am in over my head 

He began writing up my script

I asked him if he would consider increasing the methadone

He gave me a point blank no

But after I expressed concern about withdrawal

He agreed to increase it by 4 mls

I was glad

And I am also back on daily dispensing

As well as seeing an addiction counsellor later on today

I feel huge relief having to my doctor

I could easily have got away with not telling him

As he rarely drug tests me

But I know it was the right thing to do

And he thanked me for being honest with him

So at least now I have some extra support

And I feel a bit better about the whole situation

I am reluctant to tell my family

And am hoping I can get through this without having to worry them

I guess I will just see how the next few days unfold

And if I feel I need to tell them

I will

My weight is suffering through all of this

And I've lost a few pounds

But I guess that was to be expected

And hopefully I can hold steady where I am

So

My plan for the week?

I am seeing the addiction counsellor later today

I am collecting my meds daily

I will avoid The Boy at all costs

Which is going to be hard

But has to be done

I'm going to go back swimming

As I know it is good for me

And I'm going to try my best to get my addicted ass to a meeting 

All this feels manageable 

And I feel good about getting back on track

I guess this whole situation shows me that I am not out of the woods when it comes to drugs

I have no resistance 

No capacity to say no

And I need more support in this respect

I also just want to say a huge thank you to you beautiful girls

You know who you are

For your comments, texts and emails

For your honesty

Your kind words

Your concern

And your love

It means more to me than you will ever know

Thank you

From the bottom of my heart

Thank you

Fighting Back

I know I said I was taking a blogging break

And I did 

I didn't write from Monday to Friday which is very unusual for me

As you know I write everyday

And if I don't

Then there is something most definitely up

But my head feels clear today

So I'm going to take the opportunity to write about what's happening to me right now

You know that I have been seeing The Boy

The Boy being my ex- boyfriends best friend

I've seen him 3 or 4 times in the last month

The first time I met him in a coffee shop

The next couple of times 

I called to his house 

The first time I met him

He seemed really together

He was just finishing up a course

And was starting work

I got no bad vibes off him

I didn't get any kind of bad feeling off him

All was good

Or so I thought

The next week

He picked me up and we went out to his house

Straight away I felt uneasy

As I got the smell of weed

Now I have a bit of a problem with weed

In that I don't like it

And never really smoked it as it makes me very paranoid

Anyway

As TheBoy made tea

He asked me if I wanted a poppy tea

I had no idea what a poppy tea was

He explained that it is tea made from the pod of a poppy plant

Poppy plants which he grows himself

He showed me the pods

And I was intrigued

He said it was like a more mellow buzz than heroin

And did I want to try some

Here is the part where I messed up

I have no resistance when drugs are put in front of me

I haven't got the power to say no

So I said yes

And proceeded to drink two poppy teas

I felt all floaty and light

It was like a constantly soft feeling

Not like the warm saves you get from smoking or injecting

God forgive me I loved the feeling

I went home that night

Trying to act like a normal person in front of my family

But I kept nodding off

And falling asleep

He gave me some to bring home

And I spent the next three days in and out of sleep

In and out of reality

I thoroughly enjoyed it

But the thing about using any kind of drug 

Is that no matter how fast or hard you run

Reality is always just around the corner

It's a game of cat and mouse

And I'm always playing catch up

I've wondered about this a lot recently

Why I am constantly running from myself and from reality

Even before this slip

I was using my meds in a way that is not entirely healthy

So what is it?

What is it that I am running from?

Myself?

My own head?

Reality?

What is so bad about me that I have to numb myself every chance I get?

Is my world and reality so awful?

I mean

I have everything I could possibly need

A caring and loving family

Who want nothing but the best for me

I have good support from my doctor and other professionals

I have two dogs who are the light of my life

I have a small circle of close friends

I have my health for the most part

I have no major bills to worry about

Yes

My world is fairly safe and comfortable

So why am I not happy to live in it?

The truth is I like to feel outside of myself and my reality

I like to feel out of it 

And out of my own thoughts 

Away from the negative and intrusive thoughts that blight me

But the thing is

I can't have all the things I just mentioned

And a drug habit

I lose all these things when drugs are in the picture

I lose my family

My friends

I'm not present for my dogs

I'm generally a mess

Enter The Boy

And he challenges that belief

I look at him

And I see that he works

He functions

And all while using drugs

I started to think that maybe I could have it all

Maybe I could function with drugs in my life

Maybe I could find that balance

But in my heart

I know that is utter horse shit

I've proved that over the last few weeks

And it also showed me that I need to look at the way I take my meds too

Back when I had to collect my meds every day

I was doing better

As it was taken out of my hands

But now I am back to getting them twice weekly

And I am all over the place again

So

First things first

I need to talk to my doctor

And I want to make it clear

This was my choice

No one made me drink the tea

That was all me

It was all me

And my silly choices

I need to tell him

And be honest 

And just see what he says

I don't know

I've always been torn between my own life and my drug life 

It's been a constant tug of war

And in the last few weeks

Drugs have been winning

I need to get back on track

Even though a huge part of me would love to say f*+k it

And surrender to my need for escape

I know that is not the answer 

The answer is to make my reality a place where I am happy to be

Because the truth is that sometimes I resent my reality

My life

My family

Because I feel like I am in a place that I don't want to be

For them

Like I am holding on

For them

Keeping it together

For them

And when you feel like you are holding it together for others

You begin to resent them

Sometimes I think to myself

Maybe I should just go and get it all out of my system

Get out of my head one last time

But I quickly realise that is not the answer

I may have another relapse in me

But I don't have another recovery

I guess I need to make a decision

One way or the other

As bring in this limbo is driving me to distraction 

I don't need to tell you

That writing this post was more than difficult 

But I feel it is important to be honest

I haven't told my family yet

But I know I will have to eventually

In the mean time

It's a chance for me to take stock

And re-evaluate where I am

And where I am going

Because right now

I haven't an earthly clue

Untitled

Just a quick post to let you know that I am taking a blogging break

I know my last post probably didn't make a lot of sense

And I can't say any more than that at the moment

I need to get my head head together

I need some time and space to get back on track

I hope you understand

Recent events have really tested me

And where I claim to be in my recovery

Maybe a month ago I could have said I was in recovery

But unfortunately I can't say that now in all honesty

And that is typically me

Going ahead in to situations

Even though people warn me not to

And even though my better judgement tells me not to

I still plough ahead hoping for the best

And forgetting about the destruction it could cause

Please bear with me

I will be back

I promise you back

I just need to do this

I hope you understand 

In the mean time......

And I'm Back

Apologies for my radio silence over the weekend

A combination of no Wifi

And writers block

Meant I didn't get to write all weekend

But I'm back now 

So all is well

I wanted to write about something that's been coming up for me recently about my blog

When I started writing three years ago

I didn't tell anyone in my real life about it

Or if I did

I didn't give them the name of my blog

The purpose of my blog was to write about my ED and my addiction

Without fear of anyone I knew reading it

And that was great for a while

But gradually

Over time

I told more and more people about my blog

And now many people in my real life read my blog

Recently this has effected the way that I write

I find myself editing and censoring my blog

So certain people don't get hurt or disappointed or worried

This has been a huge factor especially in the last month

There have been times when I wanted to sit down at my computer

And just pour my heart out

But I feel I can't

Because I am worried about who will read it

And I know

I guess I shouldn't tell people about my blog

If I want to stay somewhat anonymous

Last week 

A woman who works with my mother stumbled upon my blog

And I know other peor who have stumbled across my blog

I know that if you type certain words in to Google

My blog comes up in the first page

It's a. It disconcerting to know that my blog is so easily accessed

But I guess that's what I signed up for right?

I got a text over the weekend 

From a girl that I was in treatment with the first time

Back in 2008

We became firm friends fast

Both around the same age

Both had dual addictions

We had a lot in common

I remember spending so much with her

Watching DVDs 

Walking laps of the grounds

Doing each other's hair

You get so close to people in treatment

I hadn't heard from her in years though

So it was a lovely surprise

She is back in treatment

Having relapsed

She asked me how I was doing

I was able to be really honest with her 

More honest than I have been in a long time

It was such a relief

I guess I felt I could be open because there is some distance between us

I felt like I couldn't worry or disappoint get

Like I'm worried about with most other people

I guess in a round about way

I am trying to tell you all something

But I don't know if I can

I don't know if it's safe

Once something is put out there

You can't take it back

And that's what I'm worried about

I was planning on telling you all today

But now that it comes down to it

I don't know if I can do it

Apologies

I know I am talking in riddles today

It's hard to explain

You know when you are faced with something or someone 

And you know this situation is dangerous

And no good can come of it

You have this feeling in the pit of your stomach

That tells you to turn around and walk away

Run

It's like a gut instinct 

Even as you walk in to the situation 

You know it's a bad idea

But you're just hoping that the gut feeling you have is wrong

Praying the situation will work out

I know I should get out now

Before anyone gets hurt

And the person who will get hurt the most is me

Bit I've always been someone who walks in to danger despite the signs

And despite the warnings

I had planned to speak to my doctor about it today

As he is just far enough away from me to give an objective opinion

But when I found myself sitting across from him this morning

I just couldn't find the words 

I be asked a couple of people in my family to not read my blog this week

As I need some space

So maybe someday soon I will find the courage to tell you about what I am talking about

In the mean time 

Please bear with me

I will get there eventually 

The Boy update

I mentioned earlier in the week that I was planning on going to a meeting

I'm afraid I didn't go

Fear and anxiety got the better of me 

I got as far as the front door

But no further

And then of course guilt and shame followed that

I was angry at myself for not going

I think in future 

I won't say that I'm going

And just go when I feel able

Walk the walk

Instead of talking the talk

The Boy was in touch a lot this week

He wanted me to call out to him Wednesday 

But I had the flu

So declined his offer

I felt a bit better yesterday

So I texted him in the morning

And said I would call over

He replied that he had to go to work for 'an hour'

And would text me when he was home

It seems that time has ceased to have any meaning for The Boy

As it wasn't until 3 hours later that he texted me to call over

I was to call out to his house

And I was really nervous to drive there by myself 

Because it is a really narrow and dangerous road that he lives on

Plus I am not a very confident driver at the best of times

I have been to his house before 

But I have such a bad sense of direction

That that was of little help

My directions were to take the road out of the village

Go up the hill

Go around two sets of bad bends

Then take the road on the left

Follow this road for about a mile

Pass the water tank

And the hump back bridge

And his house was the first house on the left

Simple right?

Maybe for a normal human being

For me it turned in to a bit of s drama

At first I was fine

I took the road out of the village

Passed the two bad bends

Or so I thought

Nothing looked familiar though

And I had a feeling that I had gone wrong 

I continued down this narrow road

Until I came across a lorry

Stopped in the middle of the road

I pulled in to the side

As I knew I wasn't going to get passed him

I waited to see if it was going to move

But there was no sign

I got out of my car

And saw a guy in the garden of one of the houses

I went over to him

Said hello

And told him I thought I was lost

I had no address so I told him The Boys name

But he didn't know him

He told me to hang on that he would ask his father

Cue another man

They brought me in to the house

Where it looked like a hoarder lived

I repeated my friends name

But this man didn't know him either

He asked me if I had an address

Which I didn't 

But then I remembered the directions about the water tank and the bridge

And suddenly they both knew exactly where I meant

Even so

They kept me talking for another five minutes

Before I thanked them and headed off again

They left me with a warning

To be careful on said road 

As there were 'a lot of fucking lunatics' on it

I jumped back in to my car

And turned in a very tight spot

I was sure I was going to end up in a ditch

And I was starting to regret leaving the house at all

I headed back down the road

And took the first right at the crossroads

It was such a narrow road

I prayed that I wouldn't meet another car

And thankfully I didn't

I came across the water tank

And then recognised The Boys house

I breathed a sigh of relief

The Boy let me in

And I related my little adventure

He laughed

We made tea

And sat in his living room

He had very kindly made me up a natural remedy to take for my flu

Very thoughtful

We chatted for hours

And the more time  I spent with him

The more I realised that I don't want anything other than friendship from him

He is a nice guy

Funny 

Super smart

And loyal

But there is no attraction there

And I am grateful for that 

For at least now I know where we stand

As friends

And nothing more

I stayed in his house for a few hours

I thought being around a smoker would drive me nuts

But it didn't 

I didn't mind at all

 

So we are friends

And that is more than enough for me

That special someone is still out there for me

I just have to find him......