Day 2, again

I got to a lunch time meeting today

Technically I am on Day 4 of the 90 day challenge 

But today is only my second meeting

So I am counting it as Day 2

I wasn't particularly looking forward to the meeting

At one stage I wasn't going to go at all

And was going to stay at home and over use my meds

But 

I managed to get off my bony bum

And go to the meeting

There was about 12 there today

A good mixture of people

I still get quite nervous when it's my turn to speak

But today I managed to speak more than I usually would

My ex sponsor was at the meeting

I am thinking of asking her to be my sponsor again

As I definitely need one

I'm really feeling the benefits of going to meetings

It gives me a purpose each day

Something healthy to throw myself in to

My head feels a lot clearer

And the committee is a lot quieter

I feel stronger

More capable and able

More positive and hopeful

Socially it's great too

As I am meeting new people 

And talking to people

All in all

Going back to meetings was one of my better ideas 

So it's onwards and upwards from here

Plenty of meetings 

Seeing my friends

Getting out the front door

And living my life

I also had to do a lot of accepting

Accept that I can't use or drink

At all

Accept that I am an addict

That I have an addictive personality

I've had to accept that I need meetings

But that not every one at the meetings is well

I've had to filter out a lot of the shite that is talked at meetings 

And listen carefully to the people who are healthy and strong in their recovery 

Unfortunately they seem to be in the minority

Anyway

I will keep going

Keep fighting

For a better life

For a future

For peace of mind

And sanity

What is the alternative......?

Calling all readers!

This blog gets quite a lot of hits every day

Any where between 300 - 1000

I look at my statistics and see that people from the four corners of the earth read it

From the U.S. to Australia

From the UK to Singapore 

From Spain to Mexico

However 

I only really know a small percentage of you

And only a small percentage of that actually leave a comment

Of course I know some of you

The regulars you might call them

And I look forward to hearing from you each post

But today I want to reach out to those of you that don't comment

You silent readers

Or lurkers

Whether you read every day

Or drop by from time to time

Whether you have commented before 

Or never commented at all

If you have an eating disorder

Or some other mental illness

If like me you struggle with addiction

Or are trying to maintain your sobriety

If you comment anonymously 

Or use a fake name

If you are lonely

Afraid

If you feel like you are dying inside

Or maybe you are embracing recovery

If you read to relate

Or you read and count your lucky stars you're not like me

Maybe you don't like me

Maybe you are one of those anonymous commenters who gives me a hard time

Whoever you are

And where ever you are from

I Invite you today to come out of the shadows 

And let me know who you are

What your name is

Why you read 

Why you visit my blog

Why you agree or disagree with me

I invite you to introduce yourself

I'd love to meet you......

Day 3

Just to give you an update on the 90 day challenge

It's turning out not to be as straight forward as I thought

Monday is doctor day as you know

I was up early 

And my mum the dogs and I headed in to the surgery

Mum took the dogs for a walk while I went to see my doctor

He asks how I am

I explain that I am doing better

And getting to more meetings

He asks me to do a drug test

Which is no problem as I know I haven't used 

The only reason it will be positive is if there are still reminints of the drug in my system

I retire to the rest room

And do the delicate balancing act of peeing in to a little cup

Thankfully I go with little effort

I clean up

And flush

And head back in to my doctor

He checks it after a minute

It's negative

That's good

That's progress I think

At least now I know I am drug free

The next topic he brings up is that of my methadone reduction

He reminds me we were going to drop it today

I ask if we can wait one more week

He agrees

I am relieved 

I go and collect my meds

And head down to the beach to meet my mum

I take my meds in the car

I am still on daily dispensing

My doctor told me he will change that next week

We head home

And I sleep for a few hours

Mum goes to work at about four 

She tells me I shouldn't go in to town tonight as the weather is due to be bad

I had planned to go to a meeting

And I really wanted to go 

Against my better judgement 

I set off for the meeting at eight

However about 10 minutes later I have to pull in

As it is beginning to sleet

I ring my dad to ask him if the weather was due to get worse

He said it was 

And suggested I turn back

I don't want to

But I know it would be foolish to continue on

So I swing my car around 

And head home

I feel mildly annoyed that I didn't get to my meeting

As I really wanted to do 90 in 90 days

But as my mum said

I did my best to get there

My intentions were good

And I can make up for it during the week

The next meeting is tomorrow lunch time

So I am looking forward to that

I know that sometimes the universe conspires 

And life doesn't turn out the way we want or expect

And that's ok

Shit happens

Tomorrow is a new day

And all I can do is my best 

Stereotype

I was reading an article in the Sunday Times magazine yesterday

It was an exert from a book called The time in between: A memoir of hunger and hope

Written by Nancy Tucker

Who developed anorexia when she was a teenager

The pieces started off with Nancy talking about her need or desire to be perfect

In school

Her work

Her appearance

Her body

I guess the stereotype for an anorectic is a middle class white girl

Privileged 

Prone to perfectionism

A good girl

Although that's not entirely true

The stereotype persists

Nancy developed anorexia at the tender age of twelve

And was locked in a battle of wills either parents for the next few years

She was hospitalised

Dropped out of school

Her whole world became about avoiding eating

She just wanted to be thin

But of course anorexia becomes something else entirely

A prison 

A locked box that is nigh impossible to break out of

When Nancy was 15

She stopped eating completely

A single morsel didn't pass her lips for 93 days

She came to the realisation that she was going to die if something didn't change

She wanted to recover like 'the homeless want three inches of snow'

But she she knew she needed to

If she wanted to live

Slowly Nancy began to recover

She regained weight

And got her life back

She describes recovery as 'an up and down, hop-skip-jump progression and once you reach the finish line the referee will inform you that in fact - surprise! There is no finish. There is only a bumbling, stumbling, getting back up and crumbling now. There is only today'.

This article was a fascinating read

I could identify with some parts

Some parts I couldn't 

I don't fit neatly in to the diagnosis of anorexia

I was never the 'good girl'

The high achiever

The perfectionist

I was always pushing the boundaries

Seeing how far I could go

I guess in the early years of my illness

I was strictly anorectic 

But even then it wasn't straight forward

I was addicted to drugs

And so wasn't aware of my ED for the first few years

And over time

I developed bulimia alongside it

Complicating things further

Bulimia is the antithesis of anorexia

As I always say

If anorexia is cold and silent and aloof

The bulimia is loud and brash and on your face

Anorexia is all about denial 

Restriction 

Punishment

Bulimia is all about indulging

Over indulging

Trying to flip that hole in the soul

Then purging the body of the excess

They are opposites

But on the same spectrum

Both serve the same purpose

To numb

To escape 

To hurt

And they do that job well

I guess I am a mixture of anorexia and bulimia

I swing between the two

And could display behaviours of either on a given day 

Take yesterday

I didn't eat anything for about 20 hours

But this morning

It's only 11am

And I've already eaten crisps and chocolate 

Like I say

It's one extreme or the other

Recovery is a tentative word at the moment

I'm as well as I can be

I haven't used in two weeks 

But my meds are still a bit all over the place

This week I am thinking of giving my meds to a family member to dole out to me every day

Just while I get back on track

As for my ED

As I said 

I think this is as good as it gets for me right now

My weight is stable

But the purging persists

Some days I might purge once

Some days it could be five times

But this is a vast improvement 

I think back to 18 months ago

I was out of control

Smoking 30 cigarettes a day

And spending €100 euro on them

That left me with about €90 for the week

And that went on binge food

This is also part of the reason I used to shoplift

Some thing I haven't done in a long time now thankfully

I spent my days binging and purging

I had a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom

Endlessly marching the March of an active bulimic

Ovet working the toilet

To the point of breaking it on two occasions 

I was a mess

I am now just a year in to my recovery

My mood has improved dramatically

My anxiety is under control for the most part

My health is infinitely better

Both mentally and physically

My quality of life is so much better

And now my addiction recovery has started

It's sad that it took a relapse for me to finally see I needed help

But

It takes what it takes

Now I feel like I am on the right path

I feel motivated and positive and hopeful

I feel like I have a shot at having a good life

A sober life

Today is Day 3 of my challenge 

I'm hoping to get to a meeting tonight

And I'm feeling nervous already 

All I can go is my best 

That is enough

I say my doctor this morning

He drug tested me

And my urine is now negative for everything

That feels good 

Now I know the drugs have left my body

And I can concentrate on getting on with the rest of my life

I was wondering about you

Do you fit the stereotype for anorexia or bulimia?

What do you identify as ED wise?

Do you think the stereotype for anorexia is accurate?

I'd love to know what you think......

Day 2

So it's Day 2

And I still feel excited about the 90 day challenge 

I woke early

Determined again to stay busy again so the committee it my head wouldn't talk me out of going

Physically I'm not feeling great

As I have my period

I had to drag my weary body out of bed this morning

But I'm so glad I did

I had to leave my sister at the bus stop

As she is going away for a few days

Then walked Honey and Lea

Came home

Quick cuppa

Got changed

And set off to collect Marie

We arrived at the venue

I had butterflies in my tummy

I hadn't been to this meeting in years

And was nervous to say the least

We went in and took our seats

I watched the people coming in

Some I recognised 

Some I didn't 

I had already decided that I wasn't going to speak

I just didn't have the courage or confidence

For those of you that don't know

It goes like this

Someone opens the meeting

And reads the preamble 

And the steps

Then someone else does 'The top table'

Which means they share their story of addiction and recovery

It's always great to listen to these speakers

It was just what I needed to hear today

One by one

Everyone spoke

Until it was just me left 

I was so nervous

But somehow I got the words out

My name is Ruby 

And I'm an addict

I haven't said those words in such a long time

But they are so true

I am an addict

A recovering addict

I spoke briefly about how I had just returned to meetings after a relapse

And that I was very grateful to have made it back in to the rooms

Relatively unscathed

When I had finished speaking

The woman next to me 

Reached over and took my hand

I was really touched

All in all

The meeting lasted two hours

Which is unusually long

But it did the trick

As it always does

And reminded me why I need the rooms

And the people in them

Tomorrow will be my first evening meeting

Which will be harder to get to I think

As I will have all day to deal with my crazy head

And the argument back and forth of whether I should or shouldn't go

But

I'll deal with that tomorrow

For now

I'm going for another walk in the sunshine

And enjoy the rest of my day

Below is my calendar for keeping track of my days

A doggy one of course

2 down

88 to go

Anorexia picture

I was browsing the internet yesterday

Looking at this and that

There was a particular picture I wanted to find

It's a picture of a girl

With a skinny little body wrapped around her

I think it's a great image to describe what it is like to live with an eating disorder

It's almost like having another entity surround you

It takes you over

Like it's in control of you

In charge of your thoughts and actions

Anyway

I was looking for this picture

And I typed 'Anorexia photo' in to Google
I was scrolling down
Skimming the images
When towards the end of the page
I found myself looking at a familiar face
I know that person I thought
I recognised what they were wearing
The mirror the photo was taken facing
And the room
I looked closer
And suddenly realised that it was me!
I did a double take and checked again and again
But it was in fact me
A very recent photo of me in my new stripey dress

I know that I put images of myself and my blog
And I write every day
So my pictures and words fall in to the abyss that is the internet
And I guess when you do that
You give that information away
It's not your own anymore
However
It was still a shock to see it

Then this morning
I decided to check again
To see if I was imagining things yesterday
But the photo had vanished
In fact it seemed to be an entirely different set of images
So I am wondering if that photo of me was there because I used my own phone
And I look at my blog here every day
Or was it just a fluke?
It makes me realise that I need to be very careful what I post on the Internet
As once it's put out there
It's not your own anymore

So I'm wondering
Has this ever happened to you?
Have you ever come across a photo of yourself on the Internet in an unusual place?
Do you post photos of yourself on the Internet?
If not why not?
I'd love to know.......

Day 1

So today was my first meeting

Of the 90 in 90 days that I am doing

Well

Kind of

I woke early 

Collected my meds

Went for a walk with my Mum and dogs

Did the food shopping

And texted my friend Marie to see if she was still up for going to the meeting

She was

And I arranged to meet her at her house at 11 30am

I got home 

Had a quick cuppa 

And headed out

I deliberately kept busy in the morning

So I wouldn't have time to talk myself out of not going

I really wanted to go

And to say that is huge

That I actually want to go to a meeting 

For me

Not because I think it's what I should go

Not to appease my family

Not to meet other addicts

But for me

For my recovery

For my sanity

For my peace of mind

For my own crazy head

I arrived at Marie's on time

The meeting was about half an hour away

And we picked up another girl on the way

This was a bit of a big deal for me too

As meeting someone new is not something I do a lot of

But we had a great chat in the car on the way

And arrived just before 12 30pm

The time we thought the meetibg started

Just then we saw a member coming out of a shop

We rolled down the window and asked her what time the meeting was at

She said it was already over

That it had in fact started at 11am

This was pretty unusual

As meetings during the day usually start at 1pm

However it was over 

There was nothing we could do about it

We met up with another member

And decided to go for coffee

In the end

We had a lovely time 

Almost like our own little meeting

I wasn't going to count today as day 1

But my friends suggested that I do

As my intention was there

And we kind of did have a meeting

So I am going to count it

One down 

89 to go

There were times today 

When I felt really awkward

Like I had nothing worthwhile to say or contribute

Like I was a boring person with nothing interesting to say for myself 

Like I wasn't pretty enough

Thin enough

Good enough

I must make it clear that my friends didn't make me feel this way

Not at all

This all comes from my low self esteem

And non existent confidence 

But even though I had these feelings

I still did it

I left my house 

I tried to get to a meeting

I met new people

I tried my best to be myself

To get on with others

And you know what?

I really enjoyed it

I had a great time

I chatted

I listened 

I spoke a little bit

I was open

I laughed

It felt good to step outside my comfort zone

And do something new

I'm now back home

And I feel like I am on cloud nine

I feel positive

Hopeful

I feel pumped for these 90 days

I feel it's one of the best ideas I've had in a long time

I don't doubt that it will be hard 

But then nothing worth doing ever is

I owe it to myself and my family to give this a chance

I really feel like it is the right thing to do

I told Marie what I was planning on doing

She thought it was a great idea

And made the point that even if I don't  get to a meeting every single day

At least I will be on the right path

All it takes is everything I've got

I only have to change one thing

Everything

So tomorrow is Day 2

I am to go to a lunch time meeting locally

And am picking up Marie on the way

I've decided to use Em's suggestion

And mark off the days on a calendar

To keep track of my progress

I feel so excited to do this

So full of hope

I know it's the right thing to do

I can just feel it