Ana's return

You know that game 

Where you use a little hammer to hit the heads that pop up

And as soon as you hit one down

Another one pops up somewhere else

That is exactly what my life feels like right now

Let me explain

I have what they call 'dual addiction'

In that I battle both substance abuse

And an eating disorder

But you already knew that

Since the age of 18

I have bounced between the two

When one is under control

The other spins out of control

For instance 

When I was using a few weeks

My ED was in the background

As drugs dominated my every waking moment

It's not that my ED had gone away

It was just lying dormant 

And was bound to erupt at some point

Then

I managed to get my using under control

And hey presto

What do ya know?

My ED returneth 

At first it was purging 

My old friend bulimia was back in town

All re-charged after a rest

She meant business

But along with bulimia

The negative thinking

And the madness returned

I could feel it seeping in to my body and mind

Like a poison working its way through my system

I just couldn't handle it 

So I went to the other extreme

And stopped eating

At first it was like a game

To see how long I could go without eating

10 hours

24 hours

36 hours

I wanted to see how far I could push it

But every action has a consequence

And usually restriction like this ends up in an almighty binge

The taste of food after a fast can go one of two ways

It can either taste amazing

Or make you feel sick to your stomach

And you never can tell until you eat it

After every binge

The restriction starts a fresh

New game 

New player

Let's see if we can beat our last score

Fasting for me is actually hellish

I spend the whole time arguing in my head about whether to eat or not

Sometimes it feels like I am going mad

Going insane

Maybe I have already

I don't know

My weight is down a few pounds 

Nothing to worry about 

But I need to get on top of this

Before I fall head first down the rabbit hole

Which we all know can happen in the blink of an eye

I'm also struggling with meetings 

I haven't been to one in two days now

But I am determined to get back on track

To get back to a meeting a day

Every road has its bumps

And I am hoping that is all this is 

8 months

I am delighted and proud 

To tell you all

That I am 8 months smoke free today!

After almost 20 years of smoking 30 a day

I finally gave up last August 

While I was away in London

I think I can now officially call myself a non smoker

I loved smoking 

Loved every thing about it

At regular intervals through out the day

I used to make myself a cup of tea

And take 5 minutes out for a cigarette

Those minutes were precious

I did my best thinking at this time 

Cigarettes punctuated my life

And for a long time 

I had no desire to give up

Even though I was spending €100 a week on them

And was constantly broke

I loved them too much to give them up

And of course I believed the myth that if you give up smoking

Then you gain a lot of weight

I wasn't going to chance it

I wish I could say that I gave up for health reasons 

I didn't 

I gave up because I could no longer afford them

That was the only reason

If I were rich

I would definitely still be smoking

Last August 

My uncle went to Turkey 

And brought me back two cartons of my favourite brand

I decided that when they were gone

Then I would give up

I smoked my head off for the next two weeks 

And thoroughly enjoyed every one of them

Then 

One Monday morning 

At 10 30am

I found myself with my last cigarette

I waited until I was dying for it

Then I went out to the garden

Settled on the bench 

With a cup of tea

And my book

Conditions had to be perfect for my last one

I lit the cigarette

And inhaled deeply

I drank in every bit of it

And all too soon it was over 

I smoked it right down to the butt

And said my goodbyes as I extinguished it

That was it

My love affair with cigarettes was over

Since that morning

I haven't looked back

Haven't even wanted to

I made up my mind that I was going to quit 

And when I put my mind to something

I really give it my all

Ive heard it said 

That cigarettes are harder to give up than heroin

Just to set the record straight

That is uter horse shit

Heroin is by far the hardest thing I have ever given up

Don't get me wrong

Giving up smoking is tricky

But with heroin you have the double whammy of being both physically and mentally addicted

At least with smoking there are no physical withdrawals

It's more a mental thing

Today is a good day

It shows me that I can achieve when I put my mind to it

That I can overcome the obstacles in my life

It is possible to succeed at the goals we set ourselves 

Today is a good day 

Tantastic

In an effort to make myself feel a little better about the whole summer thing

I've taken to working on my tan

The weather here is starting to improve

So there is no need for knits and fleeces any more

Which is a shame because I love wrapping up on cold winter days

The one thing that I hate about summer 

Is the fact that less clothes are necessary

But I always feel better about myself if I have a colour

So I signed up for 100 minutes in the sun shower of my local leisure centre

I've already used 45 minutes in 3 days

As you know

I don't do things by halves 

The other reason I was dreading summer

Was because of my toe

This tie has given me no end of trouble over the years

What with in grown nails 

Growing in the wrong direction

And generally not doing what a big toe is supposed to do

After years of hiding my toes 

And pretending there is nothing wrong with it

I finally showed my doctor said toe on Tursday

He took one look at it

And said it would have to come off

The nail that is 

Not the toe

Even though the whole procedure sounds horrific

I am actually glad that something is finally being done about it 

At last I will be able to get all my toes out and not scare small children with its grossness

I would show you a photo of said toe

But I don't want to put you off your breakfast

In recovery 

You hear a lot about self care

Looking after yourself

Mentally

Physically

And spiritually

In the midst of addiction or an ED

Self care is not high on your list of priorities

You are generally too busy trying to kill your self 

They also say that you need to be a bit selfish

And put yourself first

This does not come very easily for me

As I am a natural people pleaser

I want to please people

I want to be liked

And I want people to think well of me

But this can back fire

As people pleasers can be rather annoying

But I am starting to look after myself

By getting my teeth done

Getting my toe done

Going to meetings

Going to therapy

Keeping my side of the street clean as it were 

Taking care of myself is a new phenomenon 

I spent years abusing myself

I didn't care about me or my health

I can remember being down in my sisters house

She would always have supplements and vitamins and health aids out on the counter

I remember thinking why would you bother?

What is the point?

But now I can see that she was taking care of her health

And that is great

I'm just not quite there yet

My body image changes from day to day

From minute to minute

Sometimes I catch my reflection in a mirror 

And I think I look grotesque

Other times I see something that approaches ok

 My weight is holding steady

Fluctuating a kilo either way

If I am honest

I would love to be 5 pounds lighter

But I know it's a dangerous game yo think like that

My BMI is stable at about 20

Just about healthy 

And I am ok with that

I am trying to do little things to help me feel better about my body

The tanning

Wearing pretty and comfortable clothes

Exercising 

Doing my hair

My nails 

All these things make me feel a little bit better

I was wondering about you

How is your body image?

What do you do to improve your body image?

Are you like me and find summer difficult?

Inquiring minds want to know.....

Are you addicted?

Yesterday was the first time in forever that I missed a day posting 

I did try to

But the blogger app on my phone wasn't playing ball

So it didn't happen

But anyway

On to todays topic

I was at a meeting last night

It's my sisters home group

So I called in to her on the way

And we went together

It was an AA meeting

And there was quite a big crowd there

My friend was there 

The guy who has an ED

He slept through the whole meeting

But who am I to judge 

I've often done the same myself

There was a woman doing the top table 

And she shared her experience of addiction and recovery

I was delighted to see a woman doing it

As more often than not it is a man

And boy do men love to talk

Especially when they have a captive audience

I have seen men speak for a full hour when they are given the chance

So I was glad to get a female perspective

The speaker was great

I could identify a lot

She spoke about how she has other addictions too

I could really relate to that

After the meeting 

The woman told me a bit about herself

And mentioned that she had a shopping addiction

And that she had nearly gone bankrupt she was spending so much money

This sounded very familiar

It sounded just like me!

When I got home

I was thinking about how I think it's possible for me to get addicted to anything

I just have that type of personality

Where if I get a good feeling off of something

Or it numbs me 

Or gives me a buzz

Or it takes me out of my head

And away from myself

Then there is a good chance that I will go back for it again and again

Despite the destruction it causes

So we all know I was addicted to drink and drugs

And that I have an eating disorder

Very common addictions

But what else am I addicted to?

I remember doing a post on this back a couple of years ago

So this is an update on that

As my list has changed done

The number one offender has to be methadone 

I'm now ten years on a methadone programme

And I am well and truly addicted to it

Mentally 

Physically

Psychologically 

Every freakin' way

The first thing I do every morning is take my methadone

My life revolves around it

I have a routine of going to the doctor and pharmacy every Monday morning

And then collecting the methadone every few days

It has become such a big part of my life

Part of me

Of who I am 

It is being reduced though

Albeit very slowly

And I am putting up some resistance

It was reduced this week

Just by 2 mls

But it's still a big deal

Any change is a big deal

Then I have my other meds

Two anti depressants

And anti anxiety meds

I am pretty dependant on these too

Although they are not physically addictive

To me they are addictive

I would really miss them if I did not have them

One huge thing that has changed on my addiction list is cigarettes 

I was a confirmed and passionate smoker for almost twenty years

I loved smoking 

The first one of the morning was always my favourite

I was quite a heavy smoker

Thirty a day 

Which was costing me €100 a week

So last August

While I was away in London

On the morning of the 11th

At about 10 30am

I smoked my last one

And haven't had one since 

It's now been eight months 

And I haven't looked back

I am now officially 

A non smoker

But of course when I get one addiction under control

Another one always pops up

Cue shopping addiction

When I gave up smoking

I found that I had some extra money at the end of the week

But instead of saving it like a normal human being

I elected to spend it

Now it seems like when I get money in to my hand 

I feel compelled to spend it

It's only just out of the ATM

And I am handing it over in a shop

Or spending it in line

On line shopping has become quite the hobby for me

And I have to admit 

I get a great thrill out of it

Trawling the Internet for new clothes

Finding something that I just have to have

Clicking the 'Buy now' button

Getting the email that tells me my order has been successfully placed

Then the email to tell me that my order has been shipped

Oh the excitement of it all is too much!

Knowing that there is a parcel on its way to me

And then when it finally arrives

I am almost beside myself 

When the post man rings the door bell

And I open the door to a big juicy package

I sign for it

And take the package in to my arms

Cradling it like it is a new born baby

Then tearing in to it

To find the treasures inside

I take out the items

And my life now feels complete

Now that I have this shirt/skirt/scarf

I never need to shop again 

My wardrobe is also complete

But of course

That buzz wears off quite quickly

Soon the item you just couldn't live without 

Becomes just another piece of clothes

Like every other piece you own

That's when I'm drawn back in

And I find myself searching the Internet once more....

I their addictions which feature in my life to a greater or lesser extent are as followings

In no particular order

Tea

Hot sweet tea

If I am at home 

Then I have a cup of tea in my hand

I am constantly boiling the kettle 

And it drives my family nuts

I just love tea

It's warm 

it's comforting 

I used to enjoy a cup of tea and a smoke 

Now I just enjoy the tea

Over and over again

My phone

Since I got my first iPhone

( yes I was a latecomer to this world)

I am pretty much addicted to it

I used to look at my sister 

Who was constantly glued to her iPhone

And wonder what was so interesting

Now I know 

Now I know the wonder that is the phone

I am coverted

I tend to go through phases of being addicted to different foods

Right now it's white chocolate

More specifically Milkybars

I crave it the way I used to crave heroin

Honestly 

The craving is that strong

I have been known to drive miles out of my way to get my precious Milkybars

I remember a few years ago it used to be Drifter bars

One day before I learned to drive

I had my mother drive all over the place looking for these bars

Nothing else would do

I ate then like they were going out of fashion

And then they did

So I had to find something else to fixate on

Sweeteners

As many cups of tea I drink a day

I use three sweeteners in each cup

These don't be long adding up

And I'm sure they are bad for me

But since when did that stop me?

Tv

I am a tv addict

Especially food shows

Like Come dine with me

Masterchef

My kitchen rules

I also love a good box set 

Like Breaking Bad

The next one I'm going to watch is Better call Saul

Can't wait to get stuck in to that one

That's all I can think of right now

I guess it's enough 

I was wondering about you 

Are you addicted to anything?

Are you like me and have an addictive personality?

I'd love to know

Are you addicted?

Monday Monday

TI was so glad to make it to today

Yesterday was a tough day

It started out ok

I brought the dogs for our usual walk

It was a beautiful day weather wise

I came home

My sister and her friend were going out for the day

But I elected to stay at home

Thinking that I wanted some time to myself

So I ended up being home alone all day

And I did nothing but watch tv

A few hours in

And I could feel my head starting to go

I started thinking

And over thinking

And ruminating 

I could feel the madness setting in

And I didn't like it

I was supposed to meet a friend in the evening before my meeting

But he cancelled 

So I had the whole day alone

About two hours before the meeting

I began to argue with myself whether to go or not

I was going around in circles in my head

And couldn't make a decision one way or the other

My mother came home 

And I was I foul humour

I finally decided to go to the meeting

But I was now running late and needed to hussle

I jumped in my car

Feeling under pressure

I was speeding along 

I got on to the main road

And I could feel the anxiety building in me

Then it all got too much

And I had to pull in to the side of the road

I didn't know what to do

I felt so overwhelmed 

I rang my mum

And she told me to go home 

So I turned around 

And admitted defeat

I got home

And felt like utter crap

I really wanted and needed to get to a meeting 

And was beating myself up that I didn't go

My mother told me to write off the day

And start a fresh today

I haven't been to a meeting since Saturday

And I really feel it

I feel tense 

Anxious

A little bit crazy 

It just goes to show 

I do need a meeting every day at the moment

I need all the help I can get right now

But if nothing else

I learned something from this weekend

That I shouldn't spend too long on my own

And I need regular meetings

I had my doctor appointment this morning as yesterday was a bank holiday

I woke up feeling a lot better

And headed in for 9 am

He mentioned the fact that we were supposed to decrease my methadone today 

I put up no fight

As I am all out of excuses and reasons not to

So it was dropped from 26 to 24 mls

I probably won't even notice it to be honest

For the last couple of years

I've been having a lot of trouble with the nail on my big toe 

It was in grown in the past

And part of it had to be removed

And then it started to discolour 

And grew extremely thick

I've been meaning to show it to my doctor for months

And finally got around to it today

He said it would have to come off

And made an appointment for me for next Tuesday

I don't even mind

I am just glad that fine thing is being five about it at long last

After my doctor

I had an appointment with my counsellor Breda 

We talked about a lot of things

She really is very good

One of the best I have seen

It's great because there are so many positives in my life right now

So many things to be grateful for 

I have so much support

And as I always say

If love and support could get me well

I would have got well a long time ago

I even feel better about my body image today

Which is so good 

Eve made the point on my last post

That feeling ugly at certain times is not an ED thing

It's a girl thing

And you know I think she is right

I think a lot of the time

Our confidence

And self esteem

Is connected to our appearance

It shouldn't be 

But it is

So I tried on my outfit again today

Here it is......

Mirror mirror

For lack of anything else to write about

Today I was just going to do an outfit post

The weather has been lovely this weekend 

So pale arms and legs are being exposed  everywhere

I was tempted to get mine out

And put together a nice spring outfit

I decided to take photos of the clothes first

I laid them out carefully on the bed 

And snapped away

They looked great

A pair of blue cropped Brakeburn trousers

A cream and blue Brakeburn t-shirt

And my new Fat Face sandals

Then I tried the clothes on

To take some more photos

But somehow 

Instead of the clothes making me look nice

I seemed to make the clothes look horrible

My top half seems to be disproportionately bigger than my bottom half

My arms looked flabby

My middle looked like someone in their second trimester of pregnancy

My legs?

Well the less said about them the better

Even my feet

They seemed to make the dainty little sandals look grotesque

I couldn't even take one photo

I just threw my phone on to the bed

And changed in to a tracksuit

I know what you are thinking 

This girl has an eating disorder

Of course she sees herself through a warped perception

I wish that were true

I know part of the illness is that we are especially harsh on ourselves

And possibly don't see the truth when we look in the mirror

I get that 

I do

But I really do think that I am seeing myself in a realistic way

I really am not physically very nice to look at

This makes me worry about the approaching summer season

As the sun forces me to peel off layer after layer 

Until all that is left is vast white flesh 

Come back winter

All is forgiven!

Here are the photos of said clothes 

Sunday morning walk

It was lovely and warm and dry this morning

So my sister and Honey and Lea and I headed in to the beach for a walk

A good time was had by all

Here are some photos.....