HP

It's Tuesday

Yesterday was a bank holiday

So as I write this 

I am sitting in the waiting room of the doctors

I don't particularly like bank holidays 

There's something kind of lonely about them 

And spent much of yesterday comatose on the couch

Asleep at least 

I really wanted to get to a meeting last night

I hadn't been to one since last Wednesday

And really needed to get back on the horse

I was planning on going to an NA

But was having a lot of trouble trying to peel myself off said couch

Everyone keeps telling that I should ask for help

From God

From my Higher Power

From whoever it is that watches over me

So I decided to give it a go

It went something like this 

Hello?

Em hi it's Ruby here

But you already know that

I know I don't talk to you as much as I should 

And I only do when I need something

But I really need your help right now

Please help me find the strength to go back to meetings

Please help me put last Wednesday behind me

I really need these meetings 

So it would be great if you could sort that out

Lots of love, Ruby 

I wasn't expecting anything to happen

But not five minutes later 

Marie texted me and asked me if I wanted to go to a meeting

Mmm truth is stranger than fiction

She never texts on a Monday 

As she has college

But because of the bank holiday

She was off

I  texted her back that I would love to go

And we arranged to meet

Was that my higher power at work?

You tell me......

I called in to Marie for 8pm

We picked up another girl

And set off for the meeting

Which was about half an hour away

I was not looking forward to the drive

As my paranoid head had me convinced that the girl we picked up doesn't like me

But what's new?

I never believe that anyone likes me

Maybe because I don't like myself

We arrived at the meeting a little late

We slipped in the door 

And took the nearest seats

It was a women only meeting

And I was glad 

It was actually my first one 

Despite my anxiety

There was a lovely atmosphere in the room

And I felt instantly relaxed

One by one 

The speakers went around the room

It was coming up on my turn

And since my last little prayer went so well I decided to say another one

To ask my HP to help me to speak honestly and openly

And to not feel afraid or anxious

I spoke

As honestly as I could 

I felt only a little anxiety

And it felt amazing to talk so freely

It really was a lovely meeting

With some amazing ladies

I was so glad I went

And so grateful to my friends for their support

In my car on the way home

I turned down my radio

And spoke out loud on my own in the car

Thanking my HP for pulling me through 

For helping me get to a meeting

For bringing such wonderful people in to my life

And for helping me believe in myself again

People

I am a believer

Maybe there is more to this Higher Power than I first thought

I've often heard people at meetings talk about God as they understand him

And there's a lot of talk about God doing for us what we can't do for ourselves

It never really meant that much to me

But I am beginning to see how it can help

And it is a comforting thought to think that there is something 

Something bigger than me

Than all of us

That is watching over

And looking after me

I don't know if I believe in God in the traditional sense

But my mum always tells me to pray to my grandmother who died a couple of months after I was born

That makes more sense to me than an all powerful God

We keep a note pad on the counter in our kitchen

To write down shopping lists and such

Yesterday I noticed that my sister had left me a little note that said

Go to a meeting!!

God could and would if he were sought!

It was lovely to see it

And it really spurred me on to go to a meeting 

And I'm so glad that I went last night

It did me the world of good

I feel like I'm back on track now

Back on the horse

My dad is down for a few days

And we were chatting this morning

I was telling him what happened at the meeting last week

He asked me if I am a people pleaser

I asked him if he thought I was 

He said he did

My father is the type of person who says what he thinks

And doesn't worry about trying to please all of the people all of the time

He said that must be exhausting 

And it is absolutely 

I admit it

I really worry what others think of me

And do my best to get people to like me

My dad said that people pleasing backfires 

That people would in fact have more respect for me if I spoke my mind 

And said what was true for me

I'm thinking he is right

And it's something that I really want to work on

The fact is

That my confidence

And self esteem is on the floor

I need to build myself up

To be more sure of myself

To be able to speak my mind

And not be such a timid little mouse all the time 

I'm a prime target for bullies and the like

And I don't want to be

I guess this is all stuff that I can work on

And I know of I keep doing what I'm doing

My confidence and self esteem will grow and grow

I just need to keep plugging away at recovery

So that's what I will do

I was wondering about you

Do you believe in God or a higher power?

How does your faith help you?

Do you think it's important to have faith in recover?

And also

Are you a people pleaser?

Or if you used to be

How did you break the cycle of it?

I would love to know.....

Come together

As you may know 

My parents are separated 

Almost 15 years now

I had just turned 19

And was in the throes of heroin addiction

It was a truly awful time in my life

My dad was drinking

And was off his head completely 

My sister just had a baby 

And was also drinking to excess

It was chaos

Looking back

I don't quite know how we all got through it

The day my parents broke up was horrible

It had been coming for a long time

But in the end 

It happened very suddenly

I remember we were at home

My mum my dad and my boyfriend

A huge row broke out

I can't remember why 

But my mum and I ended up leaving 

We had no where to go

So we checked in to a hotel

I remember I was starting a new job

In a bank in Dublin

I had to get up to catch the 6 10am train every morning

It was like a nightmare

The next few years were tough

My mum and I rented a house in a not very nice area

Then it all came out about my drug use

And the shit really hit the fan

My family really had it hard back then

Addiction damn near ripped us apart

Then in 2004

I went in to treatment for the first time

And that Christmas 

My mum moved here 

It was a chance for a fresh start 

A clean slate 

Although the next few years were also tough

What with my ED

We somehow got through it

My dad got sober

My sister got sober

And things began to look up

Fast forward to this past couple of years

And things have really improved

In every way

My family is stable

We are all on top of our various addictions and mental health issues

Most of the time

My parents can now spend time together without tearing each other's hair out

Like yesterday

My dad came down for dinner

And is staying for a couple of nights 

It's amazing that we can do that now

Be mature adults

And just get on for everyone's sake

I see my dad every few weeks

So he gets to see how I am doing

He always asks how my mood is

And how my eating is

He doesn't know about my recent relapse

As I fear  it might tip him over the edge

But we talk very openly about things mostly

Yesterday we were out in the car

And he asked me about purging

And if I am still doing that

I can't lie

I am 

It's still a problem

And even though it's a lot better than it was

There is still work to do

I guess I fall in to the trap of thinking I am doing ok

Because things have improved a lot

I forget that by any normal standards

I am still eating disordered

And purging more than once or twice a day

No matter what I tell myself

Purging is not normal 

And it's detrimental to my health

I'm doing the best I can for now

And I'll try and tackle things bit by bit

But at the moment. I am just grateful that my family is in a good place

As my mother often says 

Considering what we have been through

We are not doing to badly

Not too bad at all 

Recipe #1 Chicken Casserole

I've never done a recipe post before

But I know some of you do regularly

So I thought I would post one today

As I am making dinner for my family

All my recipes have come from my sister

She is an amazing cook
She has a real natural flair for it

So I have picked up some tips from her since she's been home

So today's recipe is my take on chicken casserole

Or some of you may know it as chicken chasseur 

It's a love healthy, tasty one pot wonder

Easy to make

And especially welcome on a cold windy day
All the while in the beautiful apron that Bella sent me
Any excuse to wear it

Hope you enjoy......

What you need

Olive oil

Salt and pepper

Chicken breasts (I used four for five people)

2 onions

Garlic

Celery

Carrot 

Mushrooms

Tomato purée

Two tins of tomatoes

Two pints of beef stock

Worcester sauce

Potatoes to serve with

Method

Fry off the chopped chicken in the oil

Cook until just done

Remove chicken to a clean plate

Dice onion, garlic and celery

Add to the pot

Chop carrots and mushrooms

Add those too

Let the veg sauté until soft

Then add the chicken back in

Season generously

Next add a few dollops of tomato purée 

Let that cook for a couple of minutes

Then add the tins of tomatoes

And beef stock

Also a few drops of Worcester sauce

Leave to bubble as long as you can

My casserole is now happily cooking

I will post an update later on when it's done

Torn

I still haven't gone to a meeting since Wednesday 

Although my head has settled down some

I still feel a bit all over the place

I've talked it over with many people 

One of them being my sister who is also in recovery

It was great to talk to her

As she has a touch of paranoia too

She advised me to keep going to meetings

And I will

I just need a break for a couple of days

I'm not naive 

I know the world

And meetings don't revolve around me

I know that most people are busy thinking about themselves

And aren't plotting against me 

But I still can't shake these feelings I get

Maybe I am hyper sensitive

I don't know 

All I know is that I can't live like this

I don't want to live like this

After almost 15 years of addiction and disordered eating

My confidence has been knocked out of me

And my self esteem is non existent

I am struggling to find them again

To find myself

My self hatred is having a party right now

And all the usual suspects are invited

Depression

Anxiety who is the life and soul of my self hatred party

Self loathing

Fear

Oh yes

They are partying hard

I guess I've always felt like I don't quite fit in

That I am different to others

Unlikeable

Unlovable

Awkward 

Anti social

It's a horrible feeling

And my thoughts always go straight to ending it all

I feel like I am a bad person

That everything I touch turns to shit

That I hurt people 

Even though I don't mean

It still happens

I need to sort my head out 

Pronto

I need to get back on track

And go to my meetings 

Despite who does or doesn't like me

This is my recovery

I need to be well for me and my family

I have my friends

I don't need to please everyone

Or kill myself trying to do so

I need to do what is right for me

I try to be a good person

I really do

But lately I can't seem to do anything right

I wish I could just switch off for a couple of day

My head really can't handle this

The wreckage

My head has been well and truly wrecked for the last two days

Ever since that meeting on Wednesday

I still don't know if I am being paranoid

If I am imagining things

Or if what I think happened really happened

Either way is not a good result

Either I am inventing false scenarios in my head

Or I am too sensitive

Or meetings really are a hostile place

Neither outcome is a good one

I've talked it over with a few people

My sister suggested that I don't put pressure on myself

And maybe take a break from meetings for a few days

I was supposed to go to a couple yesterday

But backed out

Just couldn't face it

I guess I could go and not speak

Which is probably what I will do 

When I go back

I just don't know when that will be

I won't stay away too long

Just long enough to get my head together 

I was thinking as I was walking my dogs this morning

About how much weight I put in what others think of me

And I hate that

I would love to be more like my sister

And not give a flying fuck what people think about me

I would love to go through life saying exactly what I want to say

Doing what I want to do

And caring in the slightest what anyone thought

How freeing that would be

And also anxiety

Anxiety is killing me at the moment

There are certain safe things I do everyday

But outside of that

I am a ball of nerves 

And I can't handle it

I just can't handle it!

I was so tempted to text The Boy yesterday

I just wanted to call out to him

Drink poppy tea to my hearts content

And talk shite for a few hours

I came close 

But I didn't 

The consequences are too severe

But I have to admit 

I did overuse my meds today

Is that the same thing?

I'm not quite sure

All I know 

Is that I need a break

My head needs a break

I need to check off the planet for a while

Have a day off of life

I want to sleep 

Sleep until it all doesn't matter anymore

The thing is though

We only have one life

One chance at this thing we call living

What is the point in tip-toeing through it

Afraid

Shy 

Timid

Fearful

Walking on eggshells for fear of rocking the boat

Who cares if we rock the boat?

Rocking the boat is fun!

Rock on I say!

But If only I could just do it

Instead of talking about it

In my family

I am very gregarious and outspoken

But in real life I am a timid little mouse

And I don't want to be a mouse

I just want all this fear and anxiety inside me to turn in to courage and strength and confidence

Confidence

That's another thing that alludes me

I literally have none

Not a jot

Not an iota

Not even a little bit

That sucks major balls!

That's why I love writing 

And hate speaking

With writing

I can get the words out at my own pace

In my own speed and time

With speaking I just get too nervous to say what I want to say

And it inevitably comes out arse ways

So what's a nervous anxious girl to do?

How do you build strength and confidence?

I guess by living life

Experiencing different things 

Education

Hobbies

Work

Friends

Doing new things

Taking risks 

Living a full and varied life

No one said living would be easy

I was wondering about you

How do you think you conquer anxiety and a lack of confidence?

Have you any exercises or tips?

How do you deal with these things?

I would love to know....

 

When the going gets tough.....

It was yesterday

I felt good 

My peace of mind was intact

I had no worries

Nothing on my mind

In the evening 

My friend picked me up

And we headed to a meeting

We chatted and laughed on the way

And arrived at the meeting slightly late

It was an AA meeting

One my sister usually attends

Although she wasn't there last night

We walked in to the room 

It was packed

We grabbed seats where we could

And the meeting started

The was a girl telling her story 

It was really good listening to her

I could identify a lot

The the meeting proper started 

I didn't like the way it was run

The chair person picked people at random to share

So you never knew when your name was going to be called

It sent my anxiety in to over drive

I didn't like it

All of a sudden

My name was called

My heart was thumping in my chest

I wanted to just run out of the room

I began to speak

I could hear the shake in my voice

I was trying to say that I could relate to the speaker when she talked about treatment

And the family days

How I been on both sides of the family day

Both the patient

And the family member 

And how hard that was

But I think when I was speaking it came out arseways

And once I had finished speaking 

I realise that people may have thought I was talking about my sister

When in actual fact I had my dad in mind

And this was my sisters home group

So everyone knew her well there

One by one everyone spoke

A girl at the end shared how she couldn't understand some of the things she heard at meetings

That she had a brother in recovery

And was very close to him

I started to get paranoid that her comment was directed at me

And started to feel really uncomfortable

Again 

I just wanted to run

The meeting finished up 

And cups of tea were made

There were a good few women at the meeting 

And we all gathered to have a chat

In my eyes

Everyone seemed so confident and together

They all seemed perfectly content in themselves

I on the other hand

Felt so out of place

So awkward

I froze 

I couldn't speak

I couldn't join in the conversation

I just sat there

Like the socially inept person that I am

I could feel tears stinging the back of my eyes

That old familiar feeling of not fitting in was back

It hit me like a smack in the face

And completely threw me

I started thinking all sorts of paranoid thoughts

These people don't like me

They don't like what I shared 

They'll probably all talk about me when I'm gone

They think I'm a bad person

They hate me

And this went on and on in a loop in my head

We finally left the meeting at 10pm

I was dying to get home 

My friend and I chatted again on the way back to my house

I laughed about how I am a social retard

But then as she pulled in to my drive way

I suddenly felt really sad

And the tears came

My friend was great

She promised me that things would get better

And that she was there for me 

I pulled myself together

But I knew it was just a matter of time before the huge dam  of tears broke again

I hugged my friend 

And she left

I got in to my house 

Stopping in the kitchen to pet the dogs

They never cease to make me feel better

I went on to the living room

My sister was watching The Island

I sat down

And feel apart

Hot fat tears fell from my eyes

Landing on my lap

My sister jumped up to hug me

I told her what had happened 

She told me that I was being paranoid

That everyone loves me

I cried some more

And she sat and soothed me

She wrapped me in a blanket

And made me cups of sweet tea

I began to feel a little better

But as I lay in bed that night

I replayed the evenings events in my head over and over again 

Fighting with myself

Telling myself to shut up

And generally driving myself completely nuts 

It got to the point where I really though I was going mad

It was exhausting

I go to meetings to feel better

And here I was

A complete mess after attending something that is supposed to help me

I felt so confused 

The urge to use was massive

I kept thinking

One phone call 

And I could have sweet oblivion

Numbness

Nothingness

I wanted it so bad

Knowing my two using friends were close by was so tempting

But for some reason

I didn't ring them

And I didn't use

I kind of figured it would just make everything worse

Even if it did temporarily ease my pain

And even more worrying than using

I actually had some very strong suicidal thoughts

The though they I could end my pain was comforting

And the idea of disappearing seemed very attractive

I wondered how much of my meds it would take to kill me 

I actually planned it in my head

But again

I came to the conclusion that that wasn't an option

It might be the end of my pain

But it would open up a world of hurt for my family

I can't do that to them

So I considered my other options?

I could continue on

Keep going to meetings 

Hang in there 

Keep plugging away at recovery

And hopefully my anxiety will lessen

And my confidence will grow

Hopefully 

So I made a deal with myself

I will give recovery a fair shot for 6 months

And if nothing improves

I can always go back to the drug

The drug will always be there

My recovery might not be

So that's what I'm going to do

Also I think I'm going to stay silent at meetings got the next while

I just get too anxious and worked up about the whole speaking thing

So I'm not going to

I guess this is all part of recovery

But it really sucks!

I just want to be well now!

I want to be confident now!

I want to be anxiety free now!

But these things take time

And I know I need to actively work on them 

But flippin' heck

I am losing the will to live over here

Literally 

I'm just really tired 

Tired of fighting

Tired of this uphill battle

I just hope the view at the top is worth it.....

3 Years

My blog is three years old today

It's hard to believe

Time goes past so quickly

I can remember three years ago like it was yesterday

I had been reading blogs for some time

And saw that there was a great little community here on blogger

I wanted to be part of it 

I was so entrenched in my illness

So lonely

Depressed

Anxious 

Afraid

I rarely left the house

But as much as I was afraid of living my life

I craved to be around others like me

I was welcomed in to this community with open arms

It was a safe place to come and be honest

Without fear of being judged

While I was in midst of my illness

I was accepted 

And there was no pressure to recover

I was knee deep in my disorder for the first two years of my blogging

Then last year things changed

I had just come out of treatment 

For the umpteenth time 

I felt utterly hopeless

So low

So scared for my future

I ended up overdosing

And I didn't tell anyone 

Until a week later

When I told Mary

She sprang in to action

And I had an appointment with my psychiatrist the next day

He assessd me

And changed my meds

Adding in Prozac

I didn't hold out much hope for the new meds

Ive been on so many different anti depressants over the years

And they rarely work

So I was hoping against hope

However

A couple of weeks after

I began to feel a little better

The fog dissipated 

My depression and anxiety lifted 

And I began to feel hope again

I managed to get my binging and purging under control

That was massive

As I had been purging 10-20 times a day

It was killing me

Slowly but surely 

I began to gain weight

And yes my weight did rise to a place where I wasn't entirely comfortable in my own skin

But now it seems to have settled

And I can live with it

Just about

As time went on

My quality of life improved

I gave up smoking

My relationship with food was better

I started going to meetings 

Which is a huge help

And I generally felt a lot better

About me

My life

My world

Blogging through all of this has been amazing

To have documented every up and down is so awesome

I can read back

And see how far I have come 

Also to share it with you

You all have been a big part of my story

I have met the most amazing kind, caring and thoughtful girls here on blogger

Some of you have been with me from the very beginning

Some are more recent

But you all mean so very much to me

You are true friends

And I am eternally grateful for that

So Happy Birthday dear blog!

Thank you for saving my sanity so many times 

Here's to another 3 years.....