Memories

During my last session with Mary

She reminded me of a time when she asked me to show her a photo of a time when I felt happy and content 

I remember bringing in the photo to her

It was taken seven or eight years ago

I was in my early twenties

My weight was stable

And even though I had my struggles

I remember feeling pretty good back then

The photo was taken in my brothers house

And I am surrounded by my brother

My mother

My nephew 

And my sister

I like this photo as I think I look healthy

Like I don't have a care in the world

There's a spark in my eyes

And I look alive

There's another photo I have that I like

It's no exaggeration to say that these two photos are probably the only ones I like of myself

This one was taken in Avignon

In France

Again about seven years ago

We stayed in a beautiful apartment

And it was one of my favourite holidays ever

In the photo

I am sitting by the door 

Waiting for my family before we head out to dinner 

I'm reading 

And seem engrossed in the book 

I have a cup of tea beside me

And a cigarette in my hand 

I wasn't aware at the time that the photo was being taken

And that is probably a good thing

As I look more natural 

To be honest 

I was struggling a lot at this time 

Was underweight 

And purged my way around France 

But even though things were tough 

I still really enjoyed the holiday

And have precious memories of it

Both these photos bring back lovely memories

And prove that there were times in my past when I was happy

Things weren't perfect

But then when are they perfect?

These photos are so precious to me

In my house

I am the one that buys photo frames 

And displays the photos 

I just think that having an actual photo

is amazing

It's great to have them on the computer

Or memory stick

But holding an actual photo is one of life's little pleasures 

For me anyway

So

On to the photos......

Tough session

I saw Mary yesterday

I wasn't expecting it

But it was a really tough session

With all the elements for a good drama

Anger 

Tears

Tragedy 

Comedy 

I feel like I ran the gamut of emotions

All in the space of the hour

First things first 

Mary wanted to weigh me

I had no objection to this 

As I had weighed that morning

And knew what my weight was

I didn't look at the number as I stood on the scale

For some reason 

Seeing the number is harder that hearing it

I put my shoes back on

She asked me what I thought my weight was

I gave her a number

Then she told me 

And flippin' Norah

It was two kilos heavier than my scale at home

Cue complete meltdown 

I just wanted to run out of the room 

At first I felt anger

Anger at myself for being so effected by the number

Anger at Mary's scales 

And anger at Mary for weighing me on her cruel heavy  scales 

She continued to speak to me

Asking me why I put so much weight on what I weigh

I barely heard of what she was saying

Couldn't even look her in the eye

I remember her saying that I was one pound heavier than I was last week

And that could be muscle, faeces or fluid

I know that 

But it doesn't make it any easier

Mary wanted me to write a pros and cons list with her

About the benefits of having an ED

And the negatives

By now 

I had my head in my hands

And tears were stinging my eyes

I couldn't write the list

It was taking all my energy not to tear my own hair out

Earlier on in the session

I had been telling Mary how I compare myself to my sister

How I'm always interested in her weight

And sometimes ask her to try on my clothes 

So I can see the difference in what we weight

This is very eating disordered I know

And I need to stop doing it

Mary challenged me on this 

And I was starting to feel attacked

Although looking back 

I wasn't attacked

She was asking difficult questions 

Questions that need to be answered if I am going to recover

I said to Mary 

'I think I should go'

But she continued to speak to me

Now trying to make me see sense 

I said I didn't understand why I needed to be weighed 

When knowing the number had such a negative impact 

She said that it's important to know my set point

And to have at least an idea what I weigh

I don't agree 

But I see her point 

I was now starting to feel a little better

The initial shock of hearing the number was wearing off

Mary asked me to write a list of where I would like to be in five years time

I listed ten things 

From being clean and sober 

To having my own place 

From recovering from my ED

To being in a relationship

Mary then asked me to number them in order of importance

Which I did

'Ruby

If you want to get well

And not care about weight or shape

These are the things you should concentrate on

Don't compare yourself to others

Don't body check

Don't weigh obsessively 

These are the things that matter to you really 

And if you do achieve them

Then you will be happy'

I've heard it a million and one times

That happiness works from the inside out

Not the outside in

But for some reason

Hearing Mary say those words 

It suddenly clicked with me

I'm not going to be happy if I hang my happiness on my weight 

Because it's losing game

A game I can never win

Because my ED is never satisfied

Never

It's the same with my buying clothes all the time

I buy them because I think I will be happy when I have that item of clothing

And I am

For five minutes it fills the hole in my soul

But after the novelty has worn off

I'm on the hunt for the next hoody, trousers, trainers

It's like a drug

Once you get and use the drug

You feel massive relief

But it doesn't last 

And so its on to the next fix

Hearing Mary say these words today

Looking at that list 

And feeling so raw and emotional

I suddenly had the revelation that no

I will never get well

Or be happy 

If I continue the way I am going 

With my food

With my meds 

With my constant need to shop for clothes

They are all just symptoms of a greater problem

And that problem is that I don't like me

That I am not worthy unless I am skinny

That I can only deal with life when I pop a pill

That me Ruby

A 33 year old woman

Can not handle life on life's terms

I'm looking for happiness in all the wrong places

Looking for quick fixes that temporarily ease the pain

But in reality they only postpone it

And it comes back two fold 

Again and again

We were coming to the end of our session

Mary acknowledged that this was one of the hardest sessions I've had

She is not wrong

This is all stuff I don't want to look at

Never mind deal with it 

But I must if I am going to get well

Yesterday's session was a bit of a revelation

I finally saw for the first time

That happiness does not come in a pill

It's not a clothes size

Or a number on a scale

Happiness comes from the inside

Finding self worth

Self confidence

And self esteem

In knowing that I am ok just the way I am

That I don't need to change my appearance to fit in with society's idea of perfection

I have come through drug addiction

Alcoholism

Anorexia and bulimia 

I'm lucky to have even made it this far

What I look like is irrelevant

I'm just glad to be still standing 

I don't know why this has never registered with me before

That in order to live a happy life

I need to do the things I love

Surround myself with people I love 

And reach for the goals I've set myself

I guess I am a slow learner

As this is only beginning to dawn on me

Better late than never I guess

Even though it was a really tough session

It ended well

She asked me jokingly if I wanted to come back next week

And I thanked her for putting up with me

This is exactly the reason why everyone needs a Mary in their lives

A lesser councillor would have been at loss as what to do when I had my meltdown

And was hiding my face in my hands for ten minutes

In short 

Mary was well able for me

And she does it all in a kind way

I left the session feeling a little better

A bit clearer about what I need to do

So I marched out in to the big bad world 

My list of goals in one hand 

My car key in the other

Ready to do battle with this bitch

Once and for all.....

The meds situation

As you know

I've been struggling to take my meds properly

I misuse them about 5 days out of 7

And it's getting to the point where I think I want to do something about it 

Because I need to get my stuff together 

If I want to start my course in September

But not just that 

If I want to be truly clean and sober

And if I want to lead any semblance of a normal life

So it's decided 

I'm going to tell my doctor on Monday

I'm going to bite the bullet

And come clean

I can't go on like this

Spending my days face down

Cross legged

My head balancing on the top of my tea cup

Spilling endless drinks

Worrying my sister and mother

Going to meetings while drowsy

And that feels so wrong to me

Going to meetings 

While under the influence

It doesn't sit right with me

As with a lot of decisions I make

I think it's time for a good old fashioned pros and cons list

To sort out what I'm getting out of this behaviours 

And the negatives that effect my life

Of course the pros of this behaviour 

Are that I can check out of reality

And literally get out of my own head

This baffles me some

As my reality is not that bad

But it's been a pattern of mine over the years

Whether it's alcohol

Drugs

Food 

Shopping

Escaping life has always been part of my life

I guess I have it easy right now

I live in my family home

I don't have huge rent or a mortgage to pay

And money I get is mine to spend as I see fit

After I contribute to weekly shopping and bills

And also 

My meds cost very little each month

So I don't have to worry about that either

Prescription drugs are tricky

Because it's not like I'm taking an illicit drug

These meds are prescribed for me

And I am meant to take them

I'm not doing anything wrong when I take them

They are for legitimate medical conditions

But the thing is

My meds have not been reviewed in years

I was speaking to someone at a meeting one day

About anxiety

It turned out that we were both on the same anti anxiety meds

Except for the fact that I was on over double that he was on per day

And this was a big six foot guy

Surely that can't be right

Over the years 

My meds have accumulated

Especially during hospital stays

When meds tend to be tinkered with on almost a weekly basis

Trying to find that magical combination of drugs that heal us from the inside out

And of course 

So now that I am getting well from home

I probably don't need to be on as much medication

And I don't speak up about that

Because it suits me to have a lot of medication

Because I am an addict

And a greedy one at that

I'm not looking forward to telling my doctor about the situation

I don't want to let him down  

And I know I've manipulated him over the years 

It's not fair

And it's not right

Part of me is hoping he will increase my methadone

But that's the addict in me again

Rearing its ugly head

I really appreciate all your support during this

Apologies for not replying to comments the last couple of days 

Normal service resumes today

The aftermath

It's been a couple of days since my sister and I had out last argument 

What started off as a petty squabble on Sunday night 

Soon escalated in to an out and out row

The second in a week

My mother was here on Sunday

And tried to get us to work it out 

But we were both too hurt and upset to make it up

The next morning 

I was in the living room

My sister came in and wanted to call a truce

We shook hands 

And murmured that we were sorry

I wanted the fighting to stop

If only for my poor mothers sake

It's not fair on her to have to listen to us

As she said herself

We were acting like children

Since then things have been very cool

And there is an icy atmosphere in the house

We are staying out of each other's way

Not easy

But we are trying 

I wrote in yesterday's post about wanting to move out

I wrote that post when I was still very upset

Now that I have calmed down a bit 

I know it would be silly to make a rash decision

Or make a decision out of anger

And you 

My wonderful readers 

Were  on hand with some great advice

Sonetimes it seems that you know me better than I know myself 

I consider myself more than fortunate to have a little army of people 

All with their own words of wisdom to pass on

So thank you for that

Of course

I still want to move out

And I crave independence so very much

But as one of my live readers pointed out

It's best not to make any major decisions in the first year of recovery 

I think this is sound advice

As the first year of recovery is hard enough

Without making any life changing decisions 

The first year of recovery is all about firsts 

First year clean and sober

First birthday

First Christmas

First holiday 

There is so much to contend with

Without having to make any major decisions

So

I will still look in to my options

And see what's what

At least then I can make an informed decision 

My mum and I were talking about my sister yesterday

And we both agreed that she is not herself

She is coming off her meds at the moment

And seems to be struggling with side effects

She is volatile 

And emotional 

And we are wondering whether she should be coming off them at all

But that's her decision 

And she seems determined to do it

When I was very unwell

Moving out was out of the question

I just wouldn't have managed by myself 

And also I had no urge to move out

I was too busy in self destruct mode

To care about anything else

I guess it's a good thing that I feel the need to spread my wings 

I just crave my own little place so badly 

But the way things are at the moment

It might not be the best idea 

 

I've made no secret of the fact that I am struggling to take my meds properly 

You know 

My family know 

The only people who don't know are the ones who really should know

The professionals 

I know I should get this situation under control

Or else it could escalate if I was on my own

I just can't trust myself at the moment 

I don't have the resistance to say no to drugs

And if I moved out

Away from the support of my family

Things could get worse rather than better

I know that I need to get this meds situation under control

Especially as I am due to start a course in September

And I really do want to be as well as I can be by then

Every night before I go to sleep 

I make a vow that I will do better tomorrow

That I'll get to a meeting

And start taking my meds correctly

Then morning comes around

And I misuse them again

Promising that this will be the last time

But it never is

I am the very definition of insanity

Doing the same thing over and over again

And expecting different results

I misuse my  meds 4-5 days out of 7

I skip my methadone some days

So I can take a double dose the following day

I also misuse my tablets

And the mixture has almost an opiate like effect

I know if I want to recover

And truly get well

That I can't continue in this way 

The thing is 

I have it easy

I get to use

Without any of the negative consequences 

I have a nice place to live

A roof over my head 

Clothes on my back

And food in my fridge

My drugs are free

They are prescribed 

So I am not doing anything illegal 

I don't have to steal 

Or beak the law to get my fix

I don't have to associate with other addicts

This is the tricky thing about meds 

They are prescribed

And completely legal

But in abusing them

In my mind

That is as good as using

Same shit

Different substance 

So you see

There isn't the urgency

Or the impotuse to stop the behaviour 

I think if I were to move out now

My addiction issues could well get worse

As there would be no one else there 

A huge part of my sobriety is staying clean for  my family

I know

I should do it for myself 

But if that was the only way

I'd never get clean

Integrity is doing the right thing

Even when no one is watching

I don't know if I have much integrity right now

So I will stay put

For now

It's not the right time to move out

And I would be doing it for all the wrong reasons 

So I guess I will make the best of the situation

It's horrible to be on such bad terms 

But 

It is what it is

I know I need to give my sister a break 

As she is dealing with a lot 

But I also have to protect myself and my recovery 

They say you can't pick your family 

And that is true 

Usually I get on great with my sister

Which makes me think that a lot of this has to do with her coming off her meds

So I will wait

I'm still in the very early stages of recovery 

I'm just finding my feet really

And learning to live life on life's terms 

It's not easy 

Reality is boring 

And tedious

And monotonous 

And I tend to escape any chance that I get

But I have to learn to deal 

Or else I will be running away from myself forever 

I don't want that 

I want to be able to live a good life

To be happy to be in my body and mind 

Again

Thank you so much for all your continued support

It means more than you will ever know

I feel blessed and lucky to be part of this community 

I just hope that I can give back to you even a little bit of the kindness that you have showed me

From bad to worse

Things with my sister have gone from bad to worse

We made up after out fight last week

But things erupted again last night

This time with my poor mother in the middle of it all

We had a short but nasty row

It escalated so quickly

And now there is a sour atmosphere in the house

I spoke to my mum this morning

And she seems to think my sister has such a short fuse at the moment

Because she is coming off her meds 

I think I mentioned before

That my sister has suffered with depression in recent years

And is on an anti depressant 

Recently she had started to come of it

And she has been like a bull dog chewing a wasp for the past couple of weeks 

Of course I am not entirely innocent either

We know each other well

And know exactly how to push each other's buttons

I know how to wind get up

What will drive her mad

It escalated so quickly

One minute we were fine

The next

World war 3 was breaking out

My mother called us both in to the kitchen

And tried to broker some sort of peace

But neither myself or my sister were willing to back down

Stubborn as we are

Mum made the point that we all have to live together

We all have to find a way to get on

This is true

And mum is retiring in a couple of weeks 

So there will be three of us in the house from then on

It's rally not fair to have mum in the middle of this 

And I hate that it's effecting her so much 

They say you should never go to bed on an argument

Well we did last night 

And woke up this morning feeling almost hungover

With a heaviness in my head

I went to the doctor  first thing

It was Nice Woman Doctor again

She asks how I am 

I hesitate 

And she asks what that is about

I tell her that I am thinking of moving out on my own 

Which I am

It's always been in the back of my mind 

And these rows have just kind of made it more urgent

I can't say too much to the doctor

As she is also my sisters doctor

We talked for a little while

She told me to weigh up the pros and cons 

Which I will do

But yes 

I am seriously thinking of moving out

It's not just the tension with my sister

Now that I am feeling a lot better

I have a huge urge to be independent 

To do my own thing

To have my own little corner of the world 

The more I think about it

The more I think it's a good idea

I spoke to my mother about it this morning

She advised me not to make a decision out of anger 

And not to rush out in haste

I know what she is saying 

And I won't rush in to anything

I guess it doesn't hurt to find out what my options are

Obviously I am on disability benefit

And won't be able to privately rent 

So I will have to find out what I am entitled to

In the line of rent allowance and such

I just can't live like this

It's not healthy for any of us 

And I'm sure my sister is just as fed up as I am

I know that I am no angel 

I give as good as I get

And I do acknowledge that my sister is coming off her meds

And is probably not herself these days 

But I can't live like this 

With this horrible atmosphere lingering

At the moment

No one is happy

Not me

Not my sister 

Definitely not my mother

Who is caught in the cross fire

This week the plan is to stay out of my sisters way

Get to a lot of meetings

Talki things over with Breda and Mary 

I'm interested to see what they think about the situation

Meet my friends 

Marie rents with rent allowance

So I will pick her brains about how to go about applying for that

I will also inquire about what my options are

There are so many empty houses around here

Do it won't be hard to find a place

It really boils down to how I will manage financially 

At the moment 

I have few bills

No rent to pay

I contribute a certain amount every week to shopping and bills

I pay my own car tax, insurance and my phone bill

If I move in to my own place

I will have considerably more out goings 

Money will be a lot tighter 

So I guess I have to weigh up which is more important

To live here in the tension

And have more disposable income

Or move out and have that independence but less money

At the moment 

The latter seems more appealing to me

They say you can't pick your family

And it's so true

My sister is home nearly a year now

And although we've had the odd fight in that time

Things have deteriorated a lot in the past couple of weeks

Usually we get on like a house on fire

But that fire can turn nasty very easily 

And now it is suffocating us both

So the option of moving out seems really attractive right now

 

When I was very ill

Moving out just wasn't an option

I needed the support of my family 

I wouldn't have been able to manage on my own

There was always someone here with me

But now that I am feeling physically and mentally better

I crave independence so so much

Don't get me wrong 

I love living with my mum

I love this house 

And I know it's company for mum too

I've always felt very at home here 

It's given me the time and space to recover

I've been living here ten years now

And although I've loved it

I just have the feeling that it's time to move on

To spread my wings a bit more

And find my own little place

Here 

Even though I feel very comfortable 

I'm living in someone else's house

Under their rules

I want to make my own rules

I want to do things my way

Take responsibility of my own life

Of course Honey and Lea would come with me

And I do acknowledge that it would be a huge change for them too

They know no other way other than living here

And they are so comfortable here

So at home

They place I move to would have to be animal friendly 

There's just no way on this earth that I would move without them 

But

As I said 

I won't make any rash decisions

I will investigate my options

Put the feelers out 

And go from there

I must admit though 

It's really exciting to think of having my own place

The other thing is that I have to be able to trust myself

Living on my own

It would be do easy to use 

To drink

To starve

To binge and purge

I need to be sure that I can manage those things

And to be completely honesty

I'm not entirely sure I can trust myself 

Do that's where I'm at today

I would love to get your thoughts on the situation

Do you think I am being rash?

Do you think insipid wait?

What do you think I should do about the situation with my sister?

I'd live to know......

Blogging

Since I started writing my blog is April

2012

Blogging had become an integral part of my life

More than a hobby 

It's something that I feel compelled to do

And it's part of my everyday routine

Every morning

After I walk my dogs 

I settle down on the floor of the living room

My back to the sofa

Cup of hot sweet tea at hand

And just write until the mess of tangled words in my head makes some sort of sense

While I walk my dogs

I listen to the radio 

I love chat shows

And phone in shows

Listening to conversation 

Without the pressure of having to contribute

I also think about what I'm going to write about that day

And by the time I get home

I have the bones of a post formed in my head

I try to write every day

I do that on purpose 

Because writing my blog is something I do every day 

One day at a time

A lot like AA

Inspiration comes from everywhere 

And I'm always on the look out for interesting topics

Something might happen in my life

Like my relapse

Or getting caught shoplifting

I might review a book I've read 

Or a documentary I've watched

It might be an item about mental health or addiction highlighted in the news

It may be a personal post

A thought post

A story from my past

Inspiration is everywhere 

And I get my cues to write in the most obscure places

I've always written 

For as long as I can remember

I kept diaries 

Logs of different times in my life 

Usually when I was in treatment 

And had the time and energy and clarity of mind to write

There something lovely about documenting a moment in time

Something that the memory fails to recall no matter how hard you try

There were a few years where I wrote pretty much nothing

I was on the throes of addiction

And it just didn't seem important 

Now I wish I had documented that time

As there are so many stories

Things you couldn't make up 

Things that memory can't quite do justice to 

As I have said before

When I think back to that time

I can't quite work out if something really happened 

Or if it was a dream

Or a hallucination 

Because it could have easily been any of them

I was a late comer to the world of the internet

What with being strung out

It held no interest to me

Then I moved to a place where there was no internet connection

And do it wasn't until a few years ago that I first dipped my toe in the World Wide Web

By then 

My ED was in full flight

And I began looking for others like me

I started reading blogs probably about a year before I decided to write my own

By then 

Blogging  was huge

And every one and their mother had a blog

I didn't expect anything from blogging

I just wanted to know that I wasn't alone

That there were others like me

And people who had come out the other side alive and well

Blogging is a strange phenomenon 

And what with Facebook

Tumblr

YouTube 

Twitter

And Instagram 

It seems everyone wants to share their lives with anyone who will read, watch, listen

I don't use FB

Never have 

But of course I have looked at it

Yes something's are thought provoking and funny

And I do recognise the place social media has 

I guess I use my blog instead of Facebook

As I find it much easier to share my life with strangers than I do with those I know personally 

I thought about why that is

And I think it's because I'm not emotionally attached to the person

I'm not going to hurt them

Or disappoint them

Or let them down

Or worry them 

I can share my thoughts and experiences safe in the knowledge that there will be no come back

Is it the same for everyone?

I don't know 

You tell me

I share most things on the Internet

So I can't really give out about others who do the same

But why do we do it?

What compels us to share our thoughts

Our experiences

Our triumphs and failures

Our deepest secrets

And our sickness?

Maybe it's because we don't have anyone in real life to share them with

Maybe we are looking for others like us

Maybe we want sympathy

Or empathy

Maybe we want our struggles and pain to be acknowledged 

Maybe we want attention

Recognition

Maybe we want notoriety

Maybe we want to shock others

Maybe we have more sinister reasons

If I am really honest 

When ever something happens in my life

One of my first thoughts is

Oh that's something to write about 

How healthy is that?

I'm not entirely sure 

Of course

We wouldn't write 

If we didn't get some kind of payoff

For me

It's the connection with others 

The hope that my experiences will help

Someone else get through the day

I'm lucky to have amazing readers

Who leave such thoughtful and kind comments

Which absolutely make my day

Everyday 

I get emails from people across the world 

I feel privileged that these people share their stories with me

And I always try to reply 

Of course there is the odd nasty comment

But that's to be expected 

When you put yourself out there

On the whole 

Blogging has been an extremely positive experience

And force for good in my life

I read back over posts 

That I have no recollection of writing 

And I wonder how I am still standing 

It just goes to show what we can withstand 

And overcome when we have to 

With all that said

I was wondering about you

Why did you start blogging?

Has it been a force for good in your life?

How long have you been writing?

How often do you write?

Answers on a postcard please ......

 

General Update

You might have noticed that I deleted a post called Sisters

I wrote it from place where I am still reeling from the argument

So I decided it was better to delete it

As I'm sure we'll be back to normal pretty soon

So I decided to do a general update instead

On the whole

Things are good

The best they've been in a long time

My mood is better

I've accepted that my base line mood is probably lower than the average person

It's just in me to be on the melancholic side

But that's ok

It just makes my happier moments all the sweeter

I tend to be more of a pessimist than an optimist

A kind of expect the worst, hope for the best type of person

But that's ok too

It just means I enjoy it all the more when things do go right

My weight is stable

Praise the Lord my weight is stable!

Like I would let you forget that little nugget of information

I know

I often write about my weight

But it's a big thing for me (excuse the pun)

As I'm sure it is for any one struggling with an eating disorder

And those in recovery

Those numbers become ingrained in our brains

I only have to look at a photo of myself

And I can tell you exactly what weight I was then 

My weight has yo-yo'ed for so long

I've been every weight from emaciated to healthy 

And have clothes in all those sizes too

But my weight now seems to have settled at a BMI of about 20

Even though Mary has asked me not to

I still weigh most days

I can't help myself 

Sometimes it's to reassure myself

Sometimes to torture myself

Whatever the reason 

I weigh a lot 

I guess it's all part of the disorder

It's an addiction

And a need to control

My weight fluctuates about five pounds up and down over the course of a month

When it's lower I feel better

And when it's higher I am trying to get it down again

But I'm sure it has a lot to do with periods 

And bloating before that time of the month

Looking at myself in the mirror

I think I am seeing myself as I really am

There was definitely a time when I was at my thinnest

That I couldn't see how thin I was 

But I think that distortion has gone now

When I look in the mirror

I feel just about ok with what I see

Not disgusted

Not fantastic

Just pretty much ok

And having a tan is a big part of that I think

I know it's not healthy to be tanning 

But I feel compelled to do it 

As I think it's helping me accept my body

My eyes still go to my flabby bits

My wobbly bits

The round bits 

And the bits that used to be toned

But I think that's normal for any woman

Not just someone with an ED

Of course maintaining a healthy weight 

Is not just about the aesthetics

It's essential for a healthy body 

Underweight 

Or overweight

Whatever I may be

It effects my health

My organs

The systems of the body

Hair, nails and skin

Everything

I went without a period for over ten years

And even though they are now back

The are still very irregular 

My physical health has drastically improved since regaining weight

I didn't realise how unwell I was 

Until I started to feel better

What else?

There is always the subject of my meds

I'm not managing too well in that respect

I misuse them about every second day

Which is not good

I was at a meeting during the week

And someone told me that I looked 'alert'

And that sometimes I look like I am 'nodding off'

I was mortified to hear this

I know some days I've gone to meetings feeling sleepy

But I didn't think I was actually falling asleep

My sister also challenged me about this during the week

So why am I still doing this I hear you ask

I'm deliberately not telling Mary or my doctor

I'm getting my meds dispensed weekly now

So I have the opportunity to abuse them

Again

It goes back to my inability to live in reality

That urge to get out of my own head

To escape

The thing is 

I am planning to start a course in September 

They rang this week to arrange a date for my interview 

Which is in a couple of weeks

I know if I want to do this 

And be really present 

I have to get on top of this meds situation

Or else I am going to slip further and further down the rabbit hole 

Food wise

Things could also be better 

But like the veritable ostrich

I am burying my head in the sand

And pretending that everything is ok

The last time I saw Mary

She asked me not to weigh

And to keep a food diary

Neither of which I have been doing

I still believe that if I stop purging

My weight will spin out of control

I guess I won't know this until I try

But I don't know if I want to try 

Which is a terrible thing to say

But it's the truth

So I guess

Overall

A lot of work has been done

But there is still work to do

As I always say

Baby steps all the way