Saturday, 11 July 2015

Quick post

Just a quick little post 
As I have a busy day ahead 
We are travelling in to Northern Ireland tonight to go to the theatre 
We are going to see MamaMia
Which should be a great bit of escapism
And we all know how I love a bit of escapism....

Yesterday was a lovely day
My Dad came down to mind the dogs
And we headed off at about 3pm
I slept most of the journey
And we arrived at about 5 pm
After a quick cuppa
We went in to town
I of course hit the shops
But wasn't really in shopping mode
So just bought a little grey cardigan
After walking around for a while 
We headed home to get ready to go out for dinner
I declined to go
As it would just be a waste for me to go out and eat good food
Knowing where it would probably end up
So I stayed at home with my tea and crisps

I'll leave you with today's outfit
Have a great weekend y'all!







Oh almost forgot 
I'm 11months off the smokes today
And if you are wondering if I miss them
Yes I most definitely do!

Friday, 10 July 2015

Weekend Away

I'm heading away this weekend 
With my Mother and sister 
We are not going far 
Just to the next county to visit my uncle 
I'll try to post over the next couple of days
But if I don't 
I guess it's good to take a break sometimes too
There are times when I put pressure on myself to blog
I try to blog every day
As it helps me make sense of things 
It's something I do every day
One day at a time
It gives my day structure 
And routine
But I guess I should blog when I feel like it
And not put pressure on myself 
But that is me
An All or nothing type of gal

I don't really have the travel bug
Nevet really have 
When I finished school
I told everyone that I was going travelling
More than a decade later 
I still haven't gone 
I suppose I am a home bird
I like the comfort and safety of my house
Going out causes me anxiety
And I tend to go to the same places everyday
At the same time
And when I go out for the day
I am counting the hours until I can go home again 

Don't get me wrong 
I love to go on holiday 
I love airports and flying
I love trains and buses 
I actually like the travelling part
I love staying in hotels or B&Bs
I guess I've never actually organised my own holiday
I've always gone away on trips that someone else has arranged
So I've been doing things that others want to do
If I organised my own holiday
And did what I want to do
I'm sure I would enjoy it much more

The other thing I don't like about travelling is packing 
I am a terrible packer
Take this weekend 
We are going away for two nights
And Nike sports bag is bursting at the seams with clothes and shoes
I always bring more than I need
Just in case
Just in case it snows 
I will bring all my winter wear
Just in case I decide to climb a mountain
I will bring all my hiking gear
Just in case....
I inevitably only wear about one third of the stuff I bring
But it eases my mind to know that they are there

So here is what I am bringing

1 leather jacket
1 rain jacket
2 x jeans - 1 blue, 1 navy
3 x trousers - 1 blue tight, 1 blue baggy, 1 mustard
2 x t-shirts - 1navy, 1 white 
2 x hoodys 
1 x cardigan

You know 
Just in case

I was wondering about you 
Do you like travelling?
Or are you more of a home bird like me?
Are you a good packer?
Or are you a pack everything just in case kind of person?
Answers on a postcard please.....

Thursday, 9 July 2015

RUBY......!!!!!

Good morning and welcome to
Another instalment of - 

Ruby F**ks up!!

Last episode we saw Ruby over taking her medication
Having to tell her doctor 
Her meds being increased
Said meds making her drowsy
Making her feel like she might as well be misusing them
Here what's on today's episode

Today
As Ruby walks her dogs
She suddenly has a huge urge to know her weight 
She gets home 
Takes said scales out of the bag she's left in the 'messy room'
Said scales had not been working of late
And it suddenly occurs to her why
The battery is not in correctly
So in a brainwave worthy of Mcguyver
She takes a teeny tiny piece of tin foil
And places it in said battery compartmen
She turns the scale over 
And lo and be hold it works!
She takes the scales in to get room
Places it where she always places it
And before she could talk herself out of it
She strips
And stands on it
She registers the number
Where does it fall on the safe - unsafe number range
Hmmmm
It's verging on unsafe
That's not good 
That won't do at all 
In her mind 
She immediately decides to go an a 'diet'
Not a relapse people 
A d-I-e-t
Just a few pounds
Just enough to get back to my safe place
It'll be fine
It'll all be fine
Famous last words 

So yes 
Ruby so enthusiastically started off her year without a scale three weeks ago
And now in a moment of weakness
She has managed to mess that up

So that's today's episode
Tune in next week 
To see what delights Ruby has in store.....

Tuesday, 7 July 2015

This is the face....




This is the face of a girl with mental health issues

The face of a girl trying her best to recover from anorexia and bulimia

This is the face of a girl who has been through depression 

And still battles it and anxiety every day

This is the face of a girl who has been through drug addiction and alcoholism

She fights them both every single day

This is the face of a girl who has been as low as you can go

Who looked death in the face many times

This is the face of a girl who refuses to be beaten

Who no matter what happens, she continues to fight for a better life

This is the face of a girl who has never given up

Even on her darkest days

This is the face of a girl who hated herself 

Every single inch of herself 

This is the face of a girl who thought she had no future

And wouldn't make it past 25

This is the face of a girl who has sat in deaths waiting room

And knocked on its door many times

This is the face of a girl who tentatively dipped her toe in to recovery

And is doing her best to stay well

This is the face of a girl who thought she was going mad

But now knows she was just ill

This is the face of a girl who thought she was a bad person

But now knows she is not

This is the face of a girl who is afraid 

But who takes a leap of faith every single day

This is the face of a girl who was once very very lost

And has just started to find her way

This is the face of a girl who is starting to accept herself

Flaws and all

This is the face of a girl who thought she was ugly, fat and worthless 

But now knows that is not true

This is the face of a girl who has been through a lot

But wants to use her experiences to help others 

This is the face of a girl who was afraid to be herself

But day by day is liking herself a little bit more

This is the face of a girl who clings to hope

Because sometimes that's all she has

This is the face of a girl that won't let her demons beat her

Even when they seem stronger than her

This is the face of a girl who is not afraid to be herself

After years of trying to be someone else

This is the face of a girl who will continue to strive for a better life

And won't ever give up 

Monday, 6 July 2015

In the know

For the first few months of writing this blog
I was pretty much anonymous
But then
And I'm
Not sure why
I wanted to share more if myself
I wanted people to be able to put a face to the words
As I know I love seeing what other bloggers look like
So since then
I've been very open
Heck I have a huge photo of myself on the front of my blog
So I think it's safe to say that I am not anonymous any more

This blog has quite a big audience
And most of the people who read it are other bloggers
And people who I don't know in real life
Very few people that I know read
I know my sister reads from time to time
And my mother and brother will read if I ask them to
But as far as I know
No one else that I know reads it

I'm covering this topic today
As I was telling my doctor this morning about the Levant Tv interview
And he asked me the name of my blog
I told him that it used to be called and then she disappeared
And now it's called and then she recovered
He asked me if disappearing was an analogy for fading away
I said it was
Glad that he had got it
When I came out 
And was telling my Mum about the conversation
I suddenly felt a cold fear
And it hit me
I had just given my doctor my blog address
What the hell was I thinking?
What if he actually reads it?
My Mother joked that if he read it
He would definitely have an insight in to my head 
I mean 
I'm sure it will just go straight out of his head 
But what if some day he's at a loose end 
Looking for something to read
And my blog pops in to his head
I know I've mentioned my doctor from time to time 
And I'm sure he would recognise himself 
I'm half tempted to trawl through my blog 
And delete any posts that mention him

I would actually hate to think that people I know we're reading my blog
Because I know then I would start censoring it
And editing it
So as not to offend anyone 
Or hurt anyone 
And I don't want my blog to be censored 
Honesty is the backbone of this blog
And I would hate to have to change that

I don't know why it's easier to talk or write to people I don't know personally 
Maybe because they are not directly involved
Because they can give an objective insight
Maybe because you can't let some one down who you don't know
Maybe because you can't hurt anyone involved 
Whatever the reason 
It's easier to tell strangers 

With all that said
I was wondering about you
Do people in your real life read your blog?
Or would you prefer they didn't?
Is you blog anonymous?
If so why?
I'd love to know...

Sunday, 5 July 2015

General Update

Today I am two weeks scale free
It's been hard
But so worth it
I saw Mary during the week
She weighed me
But I didn't look
She told me I was 'in and around the same'
I don't know what I am the same as
But I didn't ask for a specific number
I had a physical reaction when she weighed me
My heart thumped in my chest
Thoughts racing 
Anxiety through the roof
I can't lie though 
I was just dying to ask her my weight
Even when I hit home later on
I was tempted to ring her or text her
But I managed not to
As I have said 
I am trying to go by how I feel 
Rather than what I look like
And I feel quite good
Most of the time
My clothes still fit me
So that's a good way to judge

I am clearing out my room at the moment
I have so much clothes and shoes
Of every size imaginable
My weight has yoyo-ed so much over the years 
That I've had to have all these clothes
But now that my weight is somewhat stable
I am getting rid of any thing that is too small or too big
And things that I haven't worn in the last year
Some of the clothes I have found are teeny tiny
I can't believe that as a grown adult I ever fit in to them 
They look like doll clothes they are so small 
It's cathartic though
Getting rid of all this baggage
This time last year
I couldn't bring myself to throw my anorectic clothes out
But now 
I feel like it's time for them to go
And I feel able to say good bye to that part of my life

I'm having an issue with one of my friends
This is the girl who I had considered my best friend 
But recently things have not been good between us
She tends to blow hot and cold
Sometimes I hear from her nearly every day
Then I don't hear from her in weeks 
She doesn't always reply to my texts
She knows that o have been struggling recently
And during the week she sent me a text telling me that I could talk to her
And she wouldn't judge me
And please could we meet up the following day as she really wanted to help me
I said I would meet her 
And told her to text me the following day
The next came
And no word from her
I texted her to ask her if she still wanted to meet up
She said she was in the beauticians 
And was then going to get tattoo work done
I asked if she didn't want to meet up
She replied that she didn't have time
I felt really hurt
And really used
She has no problem texting me or phoning me when she wants something 
And she can be very manipulative
It's just coming to the stage where I'm not happy with the friendship 
And have decided to take a step back
If nothing else than to protect myself 

I've known this girl for years 
We've been friends on and off for a long time
She has addiction issues
And also in recovery from an ED
So we have a lot in common
But personality wise we are very different 
She can be very nice and friendly one minute
Then cold and aloof the next
And sometimes I don't know where I stand with her
I remember a while ago
I had been to a meeting that her ex boyfriend was at
She told me that as her 'best friend' could I tell her what he said
I felt hurt they she would manipulate me like that 
As I would never ask her to break a confidence like that

The other thing is that she likes to talk
Mainly about other people
She likes a good gossip
And a good bitch 
Now at this point I must stress that I am no angel
And am partial to a bit of juicy gossip
But I do draw the line at hurting someone or breaking a confidence
My friend doesn't seem to
And I do wonder
When I walk out of the room
Is she talking about me too?

I guess I am wondering what to do
I have decided to take a step back from the friendship
To cool off
And let the dust settle
I know this girl has a lot on
As she has children
But I am letting her walk all over me
And it has to stop
I am gentle and quite quiet by nature
And I feel she is taking advantage of me
The thing is 
I am second guessing myself 
Because one minute this girl is really nice and friendly
And the next she is being really bitchy
Sometimes I wonder if I am being to sensitive
But I have talked it over with my Mum and sister 
And they think I should step back too
The thing is 
That I don't have a lot of friends
I would much rather have a few good friends
Than lots of aquaintances 
But this girl has gone too far this time
And I am wondering if I should cut my losses and move on

I guess the other option would be to say all this to her
I mean I don't think she is even aware that she has hurt me
I remember last year 
I loaned her my travel pass
As she was going to Dublin once a week
I didn't mind loaning it to her
But months later
She still hasn't given it back to me
And never even mentioned it
I had an awful time trying to get it back off her
And she really gave me the run around
Eventually I got it back
But I felt so used and hurt by the whole thing 
It's strange
The people who I have really warmed to at the meetings 
Are people who are a lot older than me
I seem to get on better with them
Than with people my own age
At least I know where I stand with these people
I guess I do need to learn to be assertive and stand up for myself
I think people will treat you the way you let them
And I have let this girl take advantage of me
I will carry on with my life
And my recovery
But I am going to play it cool with this girl 
And make sure she knows that I am hurt
And I won't stand for this any longer

I was wondering about you
Have you ever been in a situation like this?
Where a friend has treated you badly
What did you you?
What do you think that I should do?
I'd love to know.....

Saturday, 4 July 2015

Interview!

My interview with Levant Tv is on line now
And in the Levant Tv home page
The programme is called Her Voice
It's about an hour long
And my interview is about three quarters of the way through
You can also find it here. 

Levant.tv/videos/eating-disorder

Let me know what you think.....