Friday, 17 July 2015

The plumber and other stories.....

It was yesterday evening 
I was at home
Watching tv
Minding my own business
When my phone pinged a text
I opened it think it might be my friend who I had texted shortly before
I opened my messages 
And saw a number I didn't recognise 
With three simple words

How you Ruby?

My mind went blank for a moment 
As I tried to process the number 
And the words 
I ran through the possibilities in my hand 
My first thought was that it was The Boy
It could be 
He is prone to random texts out of the blue 
I wondered then if it was someone from the meetings 
But the other possibility 
Was that it was the plumber 

After about 15 minutes
I finally worked up the courage to text back
I simply said

Hey, who is this?

I went back to watching my show 
I didn't get my hopes up
Or have any expectations
In reality it could have been anyone
But still
There was still a little piece of me that hoped it was him 

The next few minutes dragged on forever 
I kept checking my phone
Looking for a reply
A clue to who this mystery person was
Finally 
After about ten minutes
My phone pinged again
Same number 
With the words 

'His name' I got your number off your neighbour, you Ruby?

OMG it was him!
It was The Plumber!
Holy shit!
I legged it in to the kitchen 
Where my mum and sister were
They demanded that I read out all the texts so far
Which I did
My sister told me to play it cool
Which I think was good advice
So I sat down to reply
And this is what I wrote

Oh hey, yea this is Ruby, my neighbour told me that she gave you my number, how you?

I tried to be casual but interested
Not too try hard but friendly 
And waited for a reply 
It came a few minutes later 

I'm good, I'll talk to you tomorrow 

I was a bit confused at this 
But decided not to text back 
So the ball is now in his court
As my sister says 
I'll let him take the lead

But seriously people 
I have no idea what I am doing 
This is unchartered territory for me 
I haven't had a boyfriend in years
In a whole decade
I have no idea of the way it works now
And I'm not in to playing games 
I'm not into messing with people's heads
I like people to be honest
And straight forwards
And I try to be too

So what happens now?
That's what I want to know 
I'm taking it from his last text that he is going to contact me today
Probably this evening 
As he will be working during the day 
But honestly 
My self esteem and confidence is not the best at the moment 
And heck
If I don't like or love myself
How can I expect any one else to
I kept saying to my Mum and sister
That when he sees me up close 
He'll soon lose interest
And he'll see what a loser I really am

My sisters advice Is good 
And she knows because she is alwAys dating someone 
She tells me to just be myself 
Maybe go for coffee
See if we like each other 
And take it from there
So that's what I will do 
But if you have any other advice 
Or words of wisdom 
I would really appreciate it
If we were lonely hearts 
It would probably read something like this...

Him: Tall, dark, hard worker, good with pipes

Her: Blonde, shy, GSOH, seeks man that must love dogs

Help!!!

Thursday, 16 July 2015

Are we all addicts?

I've written this post maybe twice before
First back in 2012
After I watched the documentary by the same name presented by Cherry Healy
And again in 2013 when I did an updated version
Now it's July 2015 
So I think we are due an update 
To see if we are still hanging on to the same old addictions?
Have we moved on?
Have we acquired new ones?
Where are we on the spectrum that is addiction?

The reason that I am writing this post today
Is that I was listening to the radio this morning
To one of the phone on shows
And one woman had rung in with a problem she was having 
She described how she couldn't stop buying scratch cards
And was spending a huge amount of money on them every week
She felt she was spinning out of control
As she was lying to get husband and children 
And was using money from their joint savings account
So her husband was going to find out sooner or later
This lady was in a lot of distress 
And felt that she was addicted 
She described how she went from shop to shop to feed her addiction
And how it was taking over her life
And ruining her peace of mind

I could relate to this woman so much 
The only thing that was different was the substance
And that's the thing I have found over the years
The essence of addiction is the same
The lying 
The cheating 
The manipulation
The shame
The guilt 
The utter misery
But the substance can vary wildly from person to person
In my case it was alcohol and drugs to begin with
And that morphed in to other addiction over the years
As I always say
It's the same shit
Different substance

I think I was born with an addictive personality
Addiction and mental health issues are rife on my fathers side of the family
And in my own immediate family of six
Four of us have experienced addiction
Thankfully all four of us are in some form of recovery 
Which I am eternally grateful for
The first thing I became addicted to was sugar
I craved it constantly 
I think my food issues started at a very young age
I loved my food 
And I was such an active child that I burned it all off 
Had I not been so active 
I'm pretty sure that I would have had a weight problem
I ate that much

As I grew in to a young teenager 
I started shop lifting 
And that quickly became an addiction too
And has continued to be a problem up until very recently 
Stealing was par for the course when I was in active addiction 
And also featured a lot during my ED
As you know
I was caught shoplifting recently
Thankfully the shop owner decided not to call the cops 
I don't know why 
But she let me go
That whole day was a nightmare 
I kept thinking that I was in a dream
And that I was going to wake up any moment
But I didn't 
It was all very real
The guilt and shame I felt was overwhelming
I was so disappointed in myself
So annoyed that it had come to this
They only saving grace is that I have now stopped shoplifting 
I thank my lucky stars that I wasn't prosecuted
I know it could have turned out a lot different 
I was thinking of sending the shop owner an apology letter
But my gut toms me to leave well enough alone
So I did

Age fourteen
And I smoke weed for the first time
Over the next few years I dabble 
And age 18 I became addicted to heroin
As well as various other prescription meds
The next five years are a blur
Eventually I put the needle down
But I picked up alcohol and pills
As my world began to crumble around me
I knew I had to get clean and sober
I was put on methadone
And that helped me to get stable
Since then I've had many slips and relapses 
But that's part and parcel of recovery

From the age of 14 
I was a heavy smoker
And smoked 30 a day
Spending €100 a week on cigarettes 
I loved smoking 
And if I was rich 
I have no doubt that I would still be smoking 
I didn't give up for health reasons 
I wish I could say that I did
But I gave up because I couldn't afford them
It's as simple as that 
I am now almost one year smoke free

But as is the pattern with me 
When I get one addiction under control
Another one spins out of control
And at the moment 
That is internet shopping 
Over the last year 
I have bought clothes every week 
Mostly on line 
I see something I like
I think my life would be complete if I had that item of clothing 
I order it on line
And basque in the delight that there is a parcel on its way to me
And getting said parcel is such a buzz
Taking it in to the house
And testing it open is such a rush
Better than Christmas
I try the item on
And for those few minutes I am satisfied
I wear the item once 
The novelty wears off
And I am back on the hunt on the Internet for the next item
It's getting out of control though 
Seriously 
My bedroom is bursting at the Sean's with clothes
I shit you not

Other addictions I have are drinking tea
I drink 15 -20 cups of hot sweet tea a day
I am constantly boiling the kettle
And I enjoy every single one of them
I'm drinking air more since I quit smoking 
It's just really comforting to have a piping hot cup of tea
It warms my body and my soul

White chocolate
Another addiction
It has to be Millybar
No other bar will do
Millybar is soft and creamy and it melts in your mouth
I buy five family size bars a day 
And eat every single one of them
They don't always have them in my local shop
So when I see them
I tend to stock up
So today I bought ten
But that won't even last me two days
I just can't get enough of the stuff

Hunky Dorys
These are crisps 
Or chips if you are from the U.S.
It has to be this brand
And it has to be salt and vinegar flavour
I'm ashamed to admit
That I sometimes have these for my breakfast
I buy two family size bags a day
And again 
Stock up when I can 
I swear it's a wonder that I am not obese

What else?
Since I bought my first iPhone last year
I am pretty much addicted to it
It's like another limb
I'm so attached to it

Television
I am such a tv addict
I love to lose myself in a show
It takes me out of my own head
And my own thoughts
It's an escape for me
I watch everything from dramas
To trashy reality tv
I don't discriminate

Meds 
I'm on variety of meds
Including methadone 
Not one but two anti depressants
And a high dose anti anxiety meds
I mean it's a wonder I'm still standing I take so much medication
I am mentally and physically addicted 
And can't imagine life without them

Reading 
I love a good book
I guess this is a very healthy addiction to have 
I read the same books over and over again
There is something so comforting about that

Other addictions include exercise to a certain extent
Purging 
Which is the Bain of my life 
Sleep 
I love to sleep 
And love going to bed at night
I adore that time of the night 
When I get in to bed 
Those few minutes before I fall asleep 
When my body and mind are exhausted 
My head is clear 
Not a care in the works 
And then slip in to the land of nod 
I love it

With all that said
I was wondering about you
What are you addicted to?
Do you have an addictive personality?
How do you deal with your addictions?
Fo they help or hinder your life?
Answers on a postcard please....

Wednesday, 15 July 2015

The Plumber Update

Do you remember a couple of months ago
I wrote about the whole plumber situation
And how my neighbour was trying to play Cupid 
And set us up together
So she did some digging
Not because I asked her to mind
She took this on all herself
Because even though I have seen him a couple of times from a distance
I don't think I would be able to pick him out in a line up
Anyway
So she found out that he was single
And he told her that he is 'approachable'
I didn't think about it again
Until I was speaking to my neighbour yesterday
When she told me that he asked her for my number!
My neighbours memory is not the best
So she couldn't give me an accurate account of the conversation they had
But she does remember him asking for my digits
Which she promptly gave him
All I could do was laugh when she told me
But part if of me was secretly pleased 

After that
I was alert everytime my phone rang
My anxiety was on full alert
Then last night my phone rang
I checked to see who it was 
But I didn't recognise the number 
Thinking it could be him 
I couldn't bring myself to answer it
And hoped he would leave a message
When the phone stopped ringing 
It pinged that there was a voice mail
I went and got my sister 
And we settled down with cups of tea to listen to the voice mail on speaker phone
I dialled the number
And we both waited with baited breath 
The  phone went to messages
It beeped 
We angled out ears to the phone
And.....
....nothing 
It was like someone had forget to end the call 
And had just left it on
So I could hear them
But they didn't know their phone was still on
We listened for a couple of minutes before the phone went dead

I didn't know if it was him or not
My sister urged me to ring the number back
But I couldn't 
I just didn't have the courage 
So I decided I would text him
I saved his number under the name Plumber
And when I went to text the number
A conversation popped up on my phone
I could see that it was a woman from the meetings 
So I decided to ring the number
And lo and behold 
It was the woman from the meetings
Who had dialled my phone by mistake
What an anticlimax

Anyway
He now has my phone number
So the ball is in his court
I might have to question my neighbour again 
To see if I can find out some more information 
To be honest with you
The thought of a boy/man ringing me is absolutely terrifying 
I mean I am so out of practise
So so rusty 
And my confidence isn't great at the best of times
So I don't know what I am going to do if he rings 
It seems the older I get
The more difficult things like this become
I can remember being in my early twenties 
And talking to boys was not a problem
Confidence wasn't a problem
But now
Well I guess given what I have been through in the last ten years 
My confidence has been knocked out of me
Oh Well
I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come it

In the mean time
Do any of you lovely ladies have any dating advice for me?
How do you think I should play this?
All suggestions welcome
I am so damn nervous about this whole thing

Tuesday, 14 July 2015

Weighing it up

Now that I am weighing again
I'm back in the vicious circle 
Of weigh 
Panic
Cry 
Restrict
Binge 
Purge
Weigh....
I'm literally going around in circles
My homework from Mary two weeks ago
Was to keep a food diary
I have not done it once
I've not even taken out the sheets
Like the veritable ostrich
I have been burying my head in the sand
And pretending that everything is ok
I really take issue with having to fill in a food diary
You see I am a seriel snacker
I don't really eat set meals
I graze the whole day long
So I would need a book to fill in a weeks worth of food
Plus I don't want to be reminded of how much white chocolate or crisps I have eaten

I actually consider myself very lucky 
Given the amount of junk food I eat
By all rights I should be obese
It's no exaggeration to say that I eat five family size bars of white chocolate every day
And 1-2 family bags of crisps
Seriously
I stick up on the stuff
Buy it in bulk
My local shops know I eat a lot of it
And always have a plentiful supply
I crave white chocolate the way I used to crave heroin
I tell no lie
I'm actually afraid to tot up the amount of calories I eat each day
But I'm willing to bet that it is was over the recommended daily allowance for an adult female
So yes 
To all intents and purposes 
I should be a lot bigger
Given all the crisp I eat 
So even though my weight is higher than is ideally like
I am grateful that it's not any higher

In other news
I haven't been to a meeting in a week
I'm struggling to go at all
All I want to do is sleep
And be on the nod
It's very hard to do anything at all when the other option is to slip in and out of consciousness 
Because we all know how I like to escape reality don't we?
I don't know
I don't know what I am doing anymore
I thought I was doing well
And I was 
I am
Kind of 
Sort of
Most of the time 
There is a saying in AA that they practise spiritual progression
Not spiritual perfection
I like that saying
It makes me feel ok about the fact that I do not doing everything by the book
Because if you are like me 
Then texovery is full of setbacks 
And hurdles
And bumps in the road 
As you all know well 
I have no problem sharing those obstacles with you all
Because I hope it will help someone out there 
To call their addiction or their ED out
To tell on them 
Because our secrets keep us sick
And I try not to have any secrets when it comes to my blog and my recovery

As you all know well
I don't hold back when it comes to writing here
I may even share too much 
But my honesty keeps me accountable
And responsible
And I know I am only as sick as my secrets 
So I try not to keep any
And I urge you to tell your secrets also 
Tell them to someone
Write them down
Confess them to a priest
Tell a friend 
Or a family member
Don't let them fester in your head
Or they will get the better of you
They will keep you sick
Today I will share a secret with you 
When I was away last weekend 
I came very close to stealing a cardigan from a shop
Only I was so afraid of being caught again
I would have done it
In a lot of ways having been caught has been the wake up call that I needed to snap out of that destructive behaviour
And it makes me think twice when I get that urge again

So today I urge you to break your silence
And tell on your secrets 
Even if you don't want to leave your name
You can leave a comment anonymously and share your secret here
I promise you to get it off your chest will be such a relief
Just to tell someone 
To share it with another person
Will stop that secret from taking your peace of mind
I've shared mine
Will you share yours?

Monday, 13 July 2015

Monday

Gosh Monday morning comes around very quickly
We watched the Wimbledon men's final yesterday 
Although I slept through most of it
As the antics of the weekend caught up on me
My Dad was minding my dogs
So we arrived home early evening
The dogs went nuts when we came in to the house 
They gave us such a warm welcome
And then conked out in their beds for the night
I had a shower
Got in to my pyjamas
And settled down for the night
It wasn't long before I was asleep again on the couch
In fact I don't even remember going to bed
All too soon it was morning 
And time to get up

I sat in the waiting room of the doctors for over half an hour before I was called in
When I was 
We talked about various things 
Including the weather
His golf game
And of course the tennis
He didn't mention my blog this week
So I am taking it that he didn't read it
Thank God
He mentioned reducing my methadone e again
I asked if we could wait another week
He agreed 
I was relieved 
He said next week for sure though
Because we have lost so much ground
But I know full well that next week I'll be asking him to wait another week
The truth is 
That I am I no hurry to come off the methadone
It really wouldn't bother me if I was on it for the rest of my life
I shit you not 
My mind and body are so used to it
Taking my methadone is the first thing I do every morning 
I can't imagine life without it
And quite frankly I don't want to
I know it's not healthy
I know I should be trying hard to come off it
But I am on it over ten years now
It's in my bones by this stage
It's an integral part of my life
Even the routine of going to the doctor every Monday morning is ingrained in me
I know I should probably be more enthusiastic about coming off it
About being truly clean and sober
But I'm not
And I don't 
And I don't know if that will ever change

The things is 
That I am on quite a lot of meds
And combining them all together 
Even just one days dose
Is enough to get me slightly out of my head 
Enough to make me sleepy and groggy
And I love that feeling 
And the other thing is
That now my high is legal
It's prescribed
I'm supposed to take it
So there is none of the scrimping and saving
And ducking and diving that goes along with heroin or any other drug
And it's free
I don't have to steal to get money for my drug
It's handed to me legally 
Over a shop counter 
So where is the onus to get clean?
Well when getting my drug is this easy
There really is none
The truth is 
That I am comfortable where I am
Comfortably numb to quote Pink Floyd
I have all the benefits of the drug
With none of the negative consequences
I have a constant and steady supply of meds
They cost me less than ten euros a month
I'm trusted to take a weeks meds at a time
And that suits me just fine

But the thing is
That although I am perfectly fine to stay where I am
My doctor is on a mission to get me off it completely 
If it was up to him
I would have been off it years ago
But like with an addiction
There have been many slips over the years 
And I've have to stall the reduction
And sometimes increase it
It's like I am digging my heels in
And refusing to go quietly 
I am probably the Bain of my doctors life
As I always put up a fight
And I know how to get around him 
I know it's not fair
I know I should co-operate more with him
But the addict in me is a powerful thing
And more often than not wins the argument

With me
It's a mental thing 
Taking my methadone is as much psychological
As it is physical 
The act of taking it
Drinking it every morning 
Is enough to ease my mind
Just knowing that it's on it's way in to my blood stream
Quells my anxiety 
If for some reason 
I have to take my methadone late 
Or I am held up in getting my meds
I feel like I immediately go in to withdrawal 
Even though realistically I probably wouldn't go in to withdrawal until 48 hours later
I still imagine that I have 
I once heard of a girl who was on two and a half mls of methadone 
Now that is most definitely a mental thing
Two and a half mls is nothing
Heck it would stick to the side of the bottle as you drank it

In other news
I haven't heard from my friend since last week
I don't quite know where to go from here
Should I cut her out of my life?
Cut my losses and move on
Or should I get over it
Have a conversation with her 
And try and stay friends? 
I'm not sure what to do really
But I feel no urge to contact her at the moment 
So I won't 

Well folks
That's all from me today 
See you on the next post..... 

Sunday, 12 July 2015

MamaMia!

I'm having a lovely weekend so far
Yesterday we got up late 
And went for brunch
Then my sister and I did a little bit of shopping 
I bought a lovely grey cardigan
And a nice dark grey top
Then we came home and watched the women's Wimbledon tennis final
Which was very predictable 
But still enjoyable
Then in the evening we headed over to Derry 
Which is in Northern  Ireland
First we went for dinner
I ordered the pork belly with black pudding
I've never had it before 
And when it came 
I didn't much like the look of it
I tasted the pork
And it was so chewy and fatty
That it turned me right off
I ate as much as I could
As I didn't want to waste it
But it was really not to my taste at all
My sister ordered it also
And she liked it
But I find it so disappointing when I order something I don't like
When I was finished 
I went to the bathroom
As I just felt so sick
Thank God it was empty
So I was able to do the deed in peace
I hate purging in public bathrooms 
And try to avoid it as much as possible  
But sometimes it has to be done
I cleaned up
And went back to my seat
And ordered dessert to make up for it
A delicious apple put with ice cream and custard 
It made up for the horrible main

After we were fed and watered 
We headed over to the theatre 
There were four of us 
Me, my Mother, my sister and my uncle
I know a lot of people hate musicals 
But I love them
They are just so uplifting and feel good
Sometimes I find it really hard to watch them
As theatre is something that I would have loved to do
If things had turned out differently for me
But watching them is fun too
The show was nothing short of amazing 
It was a west end production
So it was so polished and right
Thoroughly enjoyable
Of course MamaMia has all the ABBA classics 
Everyone knows them
And the audience were on their feet from the start 
I loved it!
And we all agreed it was well worth the journey and ticket price 

Bie are some snaps from the last coue of days 
If you are wondering why I have a photo of Weightwatchers 
It was an ad in the foyer of the theatre 
And typical me spotted it straight away
Don't worry
I'm not planning on joining 
I just though it was a really strange place to put an ad



















Saturday, 11 July 2015

Quick post

Just a quick little post 
As I have a busy day ahead 
We are travelling in to Northern Ireland tonight to go to the theatre 
We are going to see MamaMia
Which should be a great bit of escapism
And we all know how I love a bit of escapism....

Yesterday was a lovely day
My Dad came down to mind the dogs
And we headed off at about 3pm
I slept most of the journey
And we arrived at about 5 pm
After a quick cuppa
We went in to town
I of course hit the shops
But wasn't really in shopping mode
So just bought a little grey cardigan
After walking around for a while 
We headed home to get ready to go out for dinner
I declined to go
As it would just be a waste for me to go out and eat good food
Knowing where it would probably end up
So I stayed at home with my tea and crisps

I'll leave you with today's outfit
Have a great weekend y'all!







Oh almost forgot 
I'm 11months off the smokes today
And if you are wondering if I miss them
Yes I most definitely do!