32

As usual 

Monday is doctor day

Every Monday 

For the last ten years

I've made my way to my doctors 

To collect my script

Being on methadone

It's mandatory to see your doctor every week

As no more than one week can be dispensed at a time

Methadone is a controlled drug

In that there are strict guidelines around dispensing it

It even has its own special script

Which is more like a form

Also a doctor who wants to dispense methadone has to do a course in order to be licensed to dispense it

I used to have to go to Dublin once a month to see the head doctor of methadone 

But I haven't seen her in years 

Going to Dublin was dodgy for me

As often I would end up using while there

Ten years ago

I started on a dose of 70 mls

Over the years 

I worked my way down to 18mls

It's a slow process 

But I was on my way to coming off it completely 

Then when I was misusing my meds

My doctor increased my dose to 36 mls

Which is double the dose I was on

Over them last couple of months

He has decreased it again

And I am now on 32 mls

I am so bold though

I always put up such a resistance to a reduction

And I know I can be manipulative in doing so

I'm just so afraid to come off it

And I round be happy if I was left on it forever

But

That's not really an option

I'm hoping that I will come to a place where I feel able and strong enough to be methadone free

After I saw my doctor

I saw Breda

Who is my addiction counsellor

I settled in her room

And she comment that she hadn't seen me in a while

Which is true 

I haven't seen her in about six weeks

She said that was far to long to leave it in between appointments 

I filled her in on what has been happening

About my course 

And generally how things are going

I mentioned that I haven't been to a meeting in a couple of weeks 

She said that wasn't like me

And it's not 

But I have noticed over the last couple of months 

That I've pulled back from my supports 

Including my meetings

She said that its really important that I am consistent with my supports

She is right 

I really need to get back on track

Link in with my recovery friends 

Sometimes

When things are going well

I start thinking that I don't need to go to meetings 

Or see my therapist

But the thing I have to remember 

Is that they are the reason that I am doing well

And I need to do the right thing and keep my supports in place

So that's my goal this week

To keep my appointments 

And to get to at least two meetings

I read somewhere that over thinking is the art of creating problems where there are none

I definitely do this a lot

Things are going well for me at the moment 

My mood is stable 

My anxiety is manageable  

My physical and mental health are the best they've been in a long time  

I'm clean and sober 

My ED is somewhat under control 

All in all 

Life is good 

I do my best every day 

Not to hurt myself or anyone else 

I try to be the best person I can be

I am ok 

I. Am. Ok

I just need to remember that 

I made the mistake of weighing myself yesterday 

And almost had a mini meltdown 

It's funny

That little number doesn't have as much power over me as it once had 

18 months if I had seen the number that I did yesterday 

I would have gone from zero to suicidal in seconds 

I would started either binging and purging

Or starving 

And crash dieting 

Disgusted with myself I would say the most horrible things to myself 

Bully myself 

But at the moment

I feel ok

Not amazing 

But not terrible either

I can look in the mirror

Without wanting to smash it

I can wear a bigger size item of clothing 

And accept that I am the way I am 

And that is ok

I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be 

Breda commented that my confidence seems to be improving 

I hadn't noticed until she said it

But I think she's right 

My confidence in myself is growing all the time

I'm not so timid  and agreeable 

I'm more sure of myself 

And not apologising for my very existence 

I've always struggled with confidence and self esteem 

So to finally feel good about myself is nothing short of a miracle 

Breda made the comment that I look really well

It's still very hard to accept compliments 

My ED brain still misconstrues it as a negative scenario

I get that people think they are giving a compliment 

They can see that I've improved 

And want to acknowledge it

However

In my mind

When someone tells me that I look well

My thought process goes something like this 

Person: You lookl well Ruby

Public Ruby: Oh thank you!

Private Ruby: Well? Well?

Well equals I've put on weight 

Well means I'm over weight 

Well means I'm fat 

I've chosen my outfit for Saturday

So I will show you during the week

I'm also getting my hair done on Friday

I have a style in mind

And I'm really excited to get it done

It's a busy week

The first of the visitors arrive on Wednesday

I am going to try my best to enjoy it

To participate 

And give my mum a lovely time

After all

She deserves it

So that's it for today folks

Take care

And have a good day

See you on the next post....

Over to you

I've been thinking

You all know so much about me

Every little detail of my life is documented here for all to see

As you know

I am an open book

I write this blog as if no one will ever read it

I don't censor it

Or hide anything 

It just wouldn't feel right if I wasn't been entirely honest

Maybe I'm honest to a fault 

I don't know 

But I don't know any other way to be

I know that sometimes it's not always the right thing to be so honest

And it has landed me in trouble more than once

I lied for a long time when I was using

And no good can come of it

So today I'm wondering about

My wonderful readers 

To come out and introduce yourself 

I know I do a post like this every so often 

But I really do love to hear from you

Of course I know some of you 

And always love to hear from you

But there are so many that I don't know

I look at my stats 

And see readers from countries all over the world 

Today I would love to hear from you

Maybe you are a long term reader who hasn't commented before 

Maybe you read religiously 

Every day

But have never written to me before

Maybe you are a new reader

And have just found this blog

I would love to know about you

Your name 

Where you come from

Why you read 

What your story is 

Maybe you have an eating disorder

Maybe you don't

Maybe you have addiction issues 

Or maybe someone close to you does 

Maybe you're not sure one way or the other

Maybe you are suffering alone

Have no one to talk to

Maybe you suspect you have an ED

And want to know more 

Calling all readers out there 

Get in touch 

Show me who you are 

Be brave 

Be bold 

I would just love to know who is reading this blog

When you started reading 

Why you read 

Maybe you agree with what I write 

Maybe you don't 

Maybe you relate and identify

Maybe you don't

Whatever the reason

I am calling all readers

To get in touch today!

I'll look forward to hearing from you......

Saturday

I woke early this morning

The dogs wanted to go out at 5 30am

I made a cup of tea

And promptly fell back to sleep on the couch

I woke for the second time at about 8am

Usually I bring my Mum breakfast in bed 

But she beat me to it this morning

And made her own

I then heard my sister up

So asked her if she wanted to go for a walk

Quick cuppas

We piled the dogs in to my car 

And set for the nearest beach

We decided to do the cliff walk this morning

For a change 

We had a lovely walk

Then headed to the beach at the other end of town 

Where there is a little stall selling teas and coffees and toasties

The girl there has such a cool little set up

She is from Wales 

And drove over here for the summer season

She has a little trailer

With blackboard menus

Wooden frontage

She even put cushions on the little pillars to sit on 

My sister had a coffee

I had a tea 

And then we took some photos

Here they are....

(I almost didn't post these photos

As I think I look really chubby

I am just hoping that I really do have body dysphoria 

And I don't actually look this way)

The Do

It is all go here at home this week

My Mother is retiring 

So we are having a do for her tomorrow week

I say Do

But it's more like a meal with the whole family

There will be many people staying here that night 

So we are trying to arrange over ten people in to five bedrooms 

We also need to clean the house from top to bottom

Designate beds and bedding

I will be out of my room for one night 

And will be on the couch

I don't mind though

As long as I have a tv and my dogs 

I'm good 

I have to admit though

I am anxious about the whole thing

My sister and I are organising it all

So the pressure is on 

And there is so much change happening

I don't do well with change at all

I'm kind of wishing that it was all over

But

As experience has shown

It's the run up to an event that is the most stressful thing

Usually the event itself is fine

I just have to remember that 

I guess I find it hard to manage anxiety

Of course I used to manage it with drink and drugs 

Then over eating or not eating at all

Now  dealing with life on life's terms

It's unpredictable 

It's unsettling

It can be unmanageable 

It can be overwhelming 

I am just so grateful to have my sister here

She is an amazing support

It's hard to believe that she was gone for a whole 12 years

Now that she is back 

It takes some of the pressure off me 

There will also be a lot of change at home come next month

As you know 

My mother used to work away during the week

So starting September she will be here all the time

That will take some getting used to

For all of us

It's funny

My Mum is coming to the end of her working life

And in a lot of ways I am just starting mine

The course is on my mind a lot

I have accepted the place

But I have the worry that my disability will be stopped

And I don't know if I am willing to risk that

I know that at some point 

I am going to have to take a leap of faith

And jump without knowing if my parachute will open

I'm just afraid that I will hit the ground with a bang 

I'm kind of trying not think about it at the moment 

I feel like I am writing about my ED and addiction less and less 

And I guess that's a good thing

My ED has gone from being the sole focus of my life

To fading away in to the background 

It's crazy the changes they have happened 

I am strong now

Yesterday I carried a whole cupboard up our staircase 

My arms are strong from swimming

I feel capable and able

I remember 18 months ago 

I couldn't carry a bag of shopping 

Let alone a piece of furniture 

I'm excited for the future now

Before

I couldnt see beyond the end of the day

I went to bed not knowing if I would wake up

And a huge part of me hoped that I wouldn't 

Living was such an effort

Such hard work

I had a heavy feeling all the time

A sense of impending doom

I describe it as having a passive death wish

I wasn't actively trying to kill myself 

But I welcomed it all the same

I was in limbo

Somewhere between life and death 

It's a horrific place to be

As you know

I am in the process of writing my story for a magazine article

I wrote a rough draft yesterday

Fitting my story in to 2000 words is proving tricky

At first I worried that I wouldn't have enough to fill the brief

But now I have the opposite problem 

I'm feeling the pressure though

I want it to be just right 

Perfect

And as ever 

I am my own worst critic

So what I've decided to do 

Is take the piece Lather, rinse, repeat

And embellish it

I think that particular piece tells my story in a nut shell

And I can expand on it as I see fit

It's all very exciting though

I love the opportunities that this blog has given me

It has opened up so many doors for me 

It just goes to show

That if you put yourself out there

Wonderful things can happen

My friend commented yesterday 

That I am 'so strong'

I've never thought of myself as strong

I didn't want to be strong 

I wanted to be small and petite

Delicate and dainty 

I thought that was what beautiful was

But now I am starting to see that beauty comes in many forms 

It comes from self awareness

Confidence 

Body strength

A good heart

A loving and caring temprement 

It comes from being a good person 

It comes from taking care of yourself 

From taking the time out for yourself 

I used to think that beauty came from physical beauty alone

I thought it came from sharp edges and pointy bones 

From collar bones and hip bones

From clothes that were too big

From twig like arms and legs 

A thigh gap and cheek bones

The smaller the better

The thinner the better 

No matter what the cost 

My body has changed a lot over the last year

I've gone from having the body of a male child

To that of a woman 

It's happened over time 

At first I hated it 

Hated the soft curves 

The contours of my body

Shapely legs 

Boobs and a bum

A little tummy 

All my bones were not engulfed in flesh 

But 

Slowly but surely

My body is growing on me

Literally 

I look at my legs 

Once stick like and frail

And now they are curvy and strong

Same as my arms 

My clothes now define a shape in clothes 

I look at super thin models now

And am more attracted to the plus size models 

For the first time in my entire life

I am favouring health and well being 

Over thinness and beauty

Strong is beautiful

Bring in good health is beautiful

Looking after yourself and your body is beautiful

A healthy glow is beautiful 

Thin is also beautiful 

If the person is well and healthy 

The pressure us girls are under to conform to society's image of beauty is enormous

I feel it every day 

But I refuse to kill myself in the name of beauty 

I won't bow to this pressure any more

Health wise

I am the best that I have been in a long time

Both my physical and mental health are pretty good

And I thank God, the universe and my lucky stars for that

Today

I just want you to know 

That no matter how low you go

No matter how far down the wrong path you go

There is a way back 

There is a second chance 

And a third

Fourth

Fifth...

It's never to late 

To make a fresh start

A new beginning 

It's never to late to turn things around 

The body and the mind are amazing 

They recover

Reboot 

Rejuvenate 

Reset 

They can be pushed to breaking point

And still bounce back

I know that when we are in the midst of our illness

That life seems pointless 

Happiness is a distant memory

Peace of mind is a dream you once had

Recovery seems nigh on impossible 

But I want you to know that it is

It is possible for you

You just have to take that leap of faith 

I promise you 

It is worth it 

My quality of life has improved so much

I have a life now  

And it continues to get better and better 

So if you  are feeling low today

If you are struggling to find a reason to go  on

Just remember that right now

Right this second 

Someone you have never met 

In a country far far away

Is thinking of you 

And sending you all the courage and love that I can muster

I believe in you

I have faith in you

And I live you

Please don't ever forget that 

Girls

I'm late posting today

As I met a friend from treatment this morning

I say she is a friend from treatment 

But she is more than that

She is a friend

No matter where I met her

I hadn't seen this particular girl in a while

So was super excited to see her 

We had a great chat over teas and coffees 

I told her all about my date with The Plumber

And we had such a laugh over it

I now feel at a point where I can laugh about it

And not feel badly at all about it

She was the first friend I've actually spoken to about it

And it was great to get her feedback

It struck me after I met my friend

How important it is to stay connected to our girlfriends 

They say boys come and go

But girlfriends are for life

I certainly value the few real life girlfriends that I have 

And of course all of you

Who have been there for me every step of the way 

There's just something so lovely about meeting up

Chatting 

Gossiping 

Laughing

Today I actually really laughed

Most of the time when I laugh

It's forced

But today was proper belly laughing

And it felt great

My friend is a very worldly lady

Has travelled a lot

Always looks immaculate

I remember when I met her in treatment 

She was always so well put together

And so thin

But she was always that way

No matter what she ate

We clicked pretty much straight away

And both living near each other

Have kept in touch ever since

I remember when I first started meeting her

I was just out of treatment 

Still underweight

Still very entrenched in my illness

Just driving the half hour to meet her was a huge challenge

I remember arriving to meet her

My nerves shot

I was a walking ball of anxiety

I couldn't relax 

When I was with her

I was worrying about the drive home

But thankfully things have improved drastically since then 

My confidence with driving and meeting people has improved

I feel a bit more sure of myself 

I still have a long way to go

But I've made a start 

And that is the main thing

Also

Just to update you on my wanting to lose weight

I wrote that post directly after weighing myself

And I felt like a whale

However 

After calming down 

I realised what a stupid and silly idea it was

And I'm not going to try and lose any 

As  I always say

I'm going to go by how I feel

Rather than what the scale says

And I feel pretty ok

So let's go with that 

Holl & Lane

I was contacted by the editor of an online magazine called Holl & Lane

And asked to write a 2000 word piece about my life and my story

The deadline is November 5th

So I have plenty of time to write it

And I'm very excited to be part of this magazine

It never ceases to amaze me

The things that happen through my blog 

So many different things have happened over the last 3 years

I've been contacted by various journalists

Some stories I took part in

Others I didn't feel so comfortable 

I've done a tv interview

Took part in surveys

Helped students who were doing projects

I never know what is going to pop up in my email in box of a morning 

But I am especially excited about this one

I don't know 

I guess I live in hope that someday I can turn what is a hobby in to a bona fide job

I can't imagine myself doing anything else

In a lot of ways 

My blog is like my job

I do it at the same time

Every day

I pour my heart and soul in to it 

I must spend a few hours every day

Writing

Reading

Replying to comments 

Thinking about what to write

Writing ideas

Writing drafts

It consumes my every waking moment

Starting a blog has been one of my better decisions in recent years

It's more than a hobby

It's something I feel compelled to do

And I feel so passionate about it

Of course I have made the best of friends  here too

Beautiful ladies whose friendship I cherish and treasure

I would certainly be lost without you all

I'm wondering if you have any ideas of what I could write this piece about

And part of the illness or recovery that you think needs addressing 

I would love to hear your ideas

In the mean time 

I will be jotting down ideas

The editor asked for a fresh piece

So I don't want to use any piece that I've already written

So if you can thinking anything

Do let me know......

'Tell me why I don't like Mondays....'

I do know that it's actually Tuesday

But I'm in Monday mode

As yesterday was a bank holiday

So doctor day was today

The weekend was not great

I I over indulged in my meds during the week

So I was left with two days meds to last me four days

I guess I could have spread them out

But where's the fun in that?

This morning couldn't have come soon enough

Even though we are in August

And the height of the summer

The weather here is woeful

As if it was the middle of winter

The dogs usually wake up between 5am and 6am

So I get up and let them out

And go back to bed for an hour

Before getting up properly at about 7 30am

We headed in to the doctor for 9 10am

Me, my mum and the two dogs 

Mum usually brings the dogs for a walk while I go to the doctor

But it was so wet and wild this morning that no walk was to be had

I arrived at the doctor on time

Checked in at reception

Found a half decent magazine to read

And settled on a seat in the circular waiting 

My favourite thing to do when waiting is to play 'Guess the ailment'

I scan the room 

And try to guess what each person is there for 

There were a few oldies

It's always hard to guess what they are there for 

It could be anything really 

From a sore throat to piles to deep vein thrombosis 

I suspect a lot of them come to the doctors as a social outing

Next

A young guy came in and sat down opposite me

He was wearing a hat with a marajuana leaf on it 

Then his mother came in and sat beside him

She looked none too happy either

I suspected she might have marched him in there because he had a substance misuse problem

Obvious choice

But it was a safe bet

Various other people came in 

And I diagnosed a bad back

Flu 

And a sty in the eye

It kept me busy as I waited to be called

Twenty minutes later 

My name was called

I followed my doctor in to his room

And sat down in my usual seat

He apologised for keeping me waiting 

He explained that he is the deputy coroner

And had a pile of paper work to fill out

I don't think I've mentioned it before 

But after my doctor increased my methadone to 36mls

He promptly reduced it again

Over the period of about a month

To 32mls

I fought it all the way

He wanted to reduce it every week 

To get me back down to where I was

But I am a difficult customer to say the least

So today he asked me how last weeks reduction went

I told him it was ok

He said he wouldn't reduce it this week 

But would next week

I asked him if he would wait until I got back from Turkey 

(Did I mention I'm going to Turkey next month)

He asked me when I was going 

I told him the end of next month

He laughed

And said not a chance

So I compromised 

And suggested reducing it once a month

Which he agreed to

He filled out my script 

I thanked him

And left 

Next stop was the chemist 

It's a short walk from the doctors surgery to the chemist 

But I got thoroughly soaked in the mean time

I arrived in to the building

And my script was now a soggy piece of paper

I handed it in

And sat to wait

My usual pharmacist is on maternity leave

And there is a very nice guy in her place

I wasn't too fond of the woman pharmacist 

But she was efficient

And never made mistakes 

The last two weeks the new pharmacist hasn't given me enough tablets 

And when I was on the way home 

I realised he'd done the same thing this week

What a pain in the....

Anyway

I had one more stop before I could head home

I wanted to pick up a battery for my scale

Which I keep forgetting to do 

So I braved the rain again 

To head to the supermarket 

After wandering go around the shop for a while 

I finally found them by the check out

I chose the right ones

Paid 

And ran back to the car

I was glad to get home

I put the kettle on

Went to the privacy of my bedroom to weigh

I fitted the new battery 

Stripped

And tentatively stood on the scale 

The numbers flashed 

And settled on a number 

I've lost about 3 - 4 pounds since I last weighed 

And I have it in my head that I want to lose 5 more

I know, I know

That is dodgy territory 

And sounds absolutely daft

It's like asking an alcoholic to have one drink

I'm not naive 

I know it's dangerous to try and lose weight

I just feel I look and feel my best when I am 5 pounds lighter than I am now

I have my reasons 

I have a big family do on the 16th

And also my holiday next month

So I want to look and feel my absolute best 

I want to be confident

Wear what I want to wear 

And just feel comfortable in my skin

I mean

I don't want to be super skinny anymore 

I don't want to be sick and underweight 

I'm kind of ok with my body

I am curvy now 

And that look is growing on me

But I would still feel a lot better if I was just that few pounds lighter

I know 

It's hard to put the brakes on when losing weight 

But I feel confident that I can 

Watch this space I guess 

There are other things that I need to work on at the moment

I have not been to a meeting in two weeks

Which is not good 

I want to go back

I really do

But I feel like such a hypocrite 

Abusing my meds

And going in and pretending to be clean and sober 

I know first I need to get my meds under control

But it's just really hard 

Me and reality just do not mix well

I find day to day life boring 

Monotonous

And endlessly tedious

I mean

I get through one day

Only to start another

I get through one year

Only to find myself back at the beginning of another

And time is flying by at an alarming rate 

I really want to press pause

And stand still for a moment 

I overtake my meds 

To keep myself in a state somewhere between being awake and asleep

I love to sleep

Or at least to be sleepy

I love that feeling of being so tired that I could fall asleep at any moment

I hate being alert and wide awake

Is that my addiction speaking?

I think so

I guess the main thing is that I am ok

My health is ok

My mental health is ok

My weight is ok

My mood is ok

I am ok