And things are getting back to normal
A lot of the visitors left yesterday
Some more are leaving today
And my auntie B is staying until next week
I was so wrecked yesterday
Emotionally and physically
I feel asleep at about 5pm
And slept until midnight
When I woke up
Dragged myself down to bed
And fell asleep for another 8 hours
The whole thing just wiped me out
The visitors
The meal
The speech
The having to be sociable for three days straight
It really took it out of me
So back to Monday morning
And doctor day
My own doctor is on holidays
So this morning I saw Nice woman doctor
Who is always very nice
I told her that things were good at the moment
My weight is healthy
My mood is stable
And I generally feel quite good
She did up both my scripts
And as she was doing my tablets
She noticed that I've been on Mirtazapine on the highest dose for a long time
Mirtazapine is one of the anti depressants that I'm on
I told her that I was reluctant to change anything
So we left it as it is
She asked me if I am sleeping ok
At this point
I thought about complaining that I couldn't sleep
To see if I could get a few sleepers
But I am trying to be good as far as my meds are concerned
So I told her the truth
That I am sleeping fine
Probably sleeping too much in fact
As she was speaking to me
I eyeballed the weighing scales in the corner of the room
I was so tempted to ask if I could weight myself
I haven't weighed in a few weeks now
And I am curious as to what weight I am
I got my scales out this morning
And my sister weighed herself
She is ten stone eight
I think she looks really slim abs petite
And I know I weigh less than her
I am wearing a size 8- 10 (UK)
And all my clothes fit me ok
And I feel ok
I was looking at photos of mums retirement
And also the video of me making the speech
I wouldn't call myself thin anymore
But I can also see that I'm not overweight
I look
Well
Healthy
And the fact that I have a tan makes it easier to look at myself
I would love to be more toned though
To feel a bit fitter and tighter
I am curvy now
My boobs have never been so big
And I actually like them
They are a nice size
I also have a waist
Hips
And a bum you could eat your dinner off
It's an adjustment getting used to this body
I am so used to being straight up and down
With no boobs, hips or bum
I have to keep reminding myself that I am not 19 anymore
I am a soon to be 35 year old woman
And I have the body of one
I think I coped surprisingly well over the last few days
Usually when we have visitors
I have frequent and acute anxiety
Over the weekend
There were 12 people staying here
So wherever I looked
There were people
I can remember a time when I couldn't handle people
I remember a couple of years ago
A lot of relations were staying here
I had to go to bed early
As I just couldn't cope
But now
Dare I say it
I am much more sociable
Much better able to deal with people
And I don't get that agonising anxiety overwhelming me
The only time I became anxious
Was just before my speech
I felt so nervous that I thought I wouldn't be able to do it
The only reason I did it
Was for Mum
It's the least I could do for her
And now I feel really good that I did it
It's good for me to push outside of my comfort zone
And do things that scare me
It's a confidence builder for sure
Myself and my sister are just so delighted that the whole thing went well
We really were the ones that organised it
And we felt the pressure for everyone to have a good time
And I think they did
So all and all it was a roaring success
God knows our Mum deserved to be spoiled and pampered
She is the kind of person who puts everything and everyone ahead of herself
I have no doubt that If it wasn't for her
That I would still be using
And may even be dead
She has dealt with so much over the year
Her separation from my dad
My addiction and ED
And both my sisters addiction
And mental health issues
My Mum is nothing short of a saint
She is so strong
A lesser person would have crumbled long ago
But she just keeps going
And is an eternal optimist
My Mym always says
That given what out family have been through
We are not going to badly
I completely agree
Growing up
Our house was a miserable place to be
My father was drinking
My parents fought endlessly
And there was a horrible atmosphere in the house
We never wanted for anything materially
But our well being was neglected
I remember my best friends that life two doors up
That family didn't have a penny
But the house was such a lovely place to be
So warm and friendly
So needless to say
I spent a lot of time there
I remember one morning
My father came down to the kitchen with a severe hangover
My Mum gave him a cup of tea
And he threw it in her face
For absolutely no reason
How cruel is that?
Now my father doesn't drink now
In fact none of us do apart from my brother
Now
Years later
Things are so much more better than they were
Our respective addictions are under control
Mum parents get on do much better than they did when they were together
We all get on so much better
And that by friends
Is a freakin'revelation
Today
Is a day of rest
To catch up on sleep
Move back in to my room
And generally relax and recouperate
Now I'm off to have a little nap
Until next time....