Been there, done that, bought the blogger t-shirt

I was in town today

Meeting a friend from treatment for tea and coffee

Afterwards 

I was having a browse through the shops

When I spyed this t-shirt in Penneys

I'm actually sorry now that I didn't buy more to send to you ladies if you wanted one

If you would like one 

Do let me know

And I'll do my best to get you one

Anyway

Here it is....

ED Community

An anonymous writer left a very interesting comment on my blog yesterday

Posing a couple of questions

First

About the ED community

And does the idea of such a community help strengthen or weaken the fight against the illness?

And also

What role an ED should play in a persons identity?

I thought these were really interesting questions

And it's something I've thought a lot about over years

And I remember it being addressed in treatment also

First question

Does the idea of an ED community strengthen or weaken the fight against our illness? 

I think there is no simple answer for this

And of course every case is individual 

In my opinion

Our community can do both 

As we know 

Support is essential 

Both in the midst of the illness

And in recovery 

When I first started writing my blog three years ago

I was in a very different place

I wrote about fasting

And actively trying to lose weight

I can remember me and other girls encouraging each other to lose weight

And that is so dangerous 

Thankfully 

In my case 

That didn't last long 

And I saw that I was treading on thin ice

But at the same time

I craved to be with others like me

It was so important to me to connect with others in the same situation as me

This community has saved my life over and over again

And in a lot of ways has helped me recover and move on from my ED 

Our community is a mixture of people still in active ED

And those choosing recovery

And we seem to co-exist well 

Although I do admit

I've had to pull back from some blogs that are upsetting or triggering

That is nothing against the person

It's just very difficult to be around very ill people when you yourself are trying to get well

And of course when in recovery

You want to build a good foundation

And probably have more in common with those in recovery 

I guess this why Pro-ana is so prolific

There Is strength in numbers

You are more likely to do something 

If someone is doing it with you

Hence why people have 'ana buddies'

In a sick and twisted way

These girls are each other's cheerleaders 

It's something that fuels the ED

I remember when I was in treatment 

It was a psychiatric hospital

With an eating disorder recovery programme

The ED girls were on a ward called St. Brigids 

It was a mixed ward

So there were patients with other illness there too

Like anxiety or depression

There were up to eight girls on the ED programme at a time

We spent so much time together 

All day every day

And most of the time we were talking about food, weight and our EDs

Although this wAy works for some

It most definitely did not for me

Bring in such close contact with other sufferers made life so hard

I was constantly comparing myself to others 

That and the fact that our sole existence was wrapped up in the ED 

Made it so hard to make steps towards recovery

One thing that I noticed while in treatment

Was that if one person was doing well

The rest tended to do well too

But if one person was struggling

The rest struggled too

Why was this?

Well

We were all so in tune with each other 

And if one persons behaviours were very disordered 

That permeated through the group

But also if some one was making positive steps 

It was almost like it gave permission to the other girls to do the same

So I think being part of an ED community can both help and hinder

As ED sufferers 

We have to battle triggers every single day 

Triggers that can send us right back in to the arms of our ED 

So support is essential 

And very necessary 

I know that I couldn't possibly do this on my own 

No way

No how 

We crave to be around others like us 

So we know that we are not alone 

This can be both a blessing and a curse

I guess it would be like an alcoholic or a dug addict

In their addiction 

They spent all their time with other addicts

Whether they liked them or not 

They were on the same wave length

But when one addict gets clean

They absolutely have to change one thing 

And that one thing is everything

Including people, places and things

A recovering addict can not spend all their time with using addicts 

And expect to stay clean

As the saying goes

If you hang around a barbers for long enough

You will end up getting a haircut 

In the same vein

You are the company you keep

To answer the other question 

What role should our EDs play in our identity

This is also a great question

And again

Is something I addressed in treatment 

In the midst of our illness

Our identity and the illness become so emeshed 

I know when I was sick

My illness was my identity 

Everything else that I was was overshadowed by my ED

I was no longer a sister

A daughter

An auntie

A friend 

Now I was anorexic 

And precious little else 

I distinctly remember saying in treatment that I was so afraid to let go of my ED

As I didn't know what would be left without it 

I panicked about the fact that giving up my illness

Meant giving up my identity

When I was sick

I assumed the sick role

And when you have such a role for such a long time 

It's very hard to break away from it

For me 

I felt that my illness brought my family together 

And I worried that if I got well

Then I wouldn't be as close with my family

Because that's what happened when I became ill

My family came together 

And got very close 

So I feared the opposite would happen if I let my ED go

Eating disorders continue to be complex and difficult illnesses to treat

The person in question has to want to get well 

And will not get well until they decide to

No matter how much somebody wants it for you 

They can't do it for you

Support is essential 

I know I couldn't have got well without the support of various professionals, my family 

And of course you my beautiful blogger friends 

We alone can do it 

But we can not do it alone

As they say in the meetings 

I know for sure

That being part of this community has been a huge part of my life for the past three years

As you know 

I try to write every day

I spent copious amounts of time on blogger 

You girls are some of my best friends

I worry about our little community

As it seems to be ever shrinking all the time

Blogger seems to not be the place to be anymore

Instagram seems to be the cool place to be

But blogger will forever hold a special place in my heart

As its here that I started 

And I love to follow the stories of you girls 

Anyway

Let me know what you think about the questions posed in this post

And anything else on your mind.....

G

I got a text message the other day

Out of the blue

It was from a girl I was in treatment with a few years ago

A girl who I will call G

I met this girl when I was in hospital for the second time

In 2011

G was about half way through her treatment when I arrived

She had come in to hospital at a dangerously low weight

She was very ill

G struggled through treatment 

Struggled to break out of being sick

And all that went with

I firmly believe

Whether we like it or not

That our EDs serve a purpose 

There is a reason that we are eating disordered 

Because we get some sort of payoff from it

Whether that be attention

The relief of anxiety

The numbness 

The protection

The not feeling

I guess it's different for everyone 

Anyway 

Back to G 

She had a history of self harm also 

And suicide attempts 

Towards the end of her treatment 

She was discharged as an inpatient

And started to come as a day patient 

From the start she really struggled 

She self harmed when she was at home 

And began to purge 

I remember thinking that purging was a useless effort 

And told her so 

But she continued to deteriorate 

She took up a lot of time in groups 

Asked to see the doctor nearly every day 

Some of our group began to resent her 

And the attention she seemed to need

But as I have since learned from being in treatment numerous times 

Sometimes there is competition among patients to be the sickest

To need to most attention from staff

To be the thinnest 

And the most eating disordered 

I've come across it many times 

Heck, I've been there myself 

In competition with other girls to lose weight

Steering conversations to get the other person to tell you how thin you are

I've been there

Done that 

Bought the extra small t-shirt

Often people

As in family and staff members

Tip toe around the person with an ED

And that is understandable 

Because the person is in a very vulnerable position

They can be weak

Mentally and physically 

But it also means that the person in question is kept in cotton wool

I remember when I was in treatment 

The person who ran the Eating Disorder Recovery Programme was a nurse

She was the nicest person you could ever meet

She was really like a mother to all us patients 

I never once saw her lose her cool

Or get frustrated or fed up

And she was dealing with ED patients all day every day

When this nurse went on holidays 

Another nurse from the ward would take over

This nurse was much more hard hitting 

She really took no prisoners 

She was honest

Brutally so

Direct 

And did not hold back

But you know what ?

I actually did better with this nurse

I responded better to her

I'm not saying that's the same for everyone

I'm sure the softly softly approach works for done 

But not for me 

I'm digressing again

Back to G

We texted back and forth 

She told me that she was also diagnosed the borderline personify disorder

And was put on a cocktail of meds 

Due to these meds 

She went from a size six

To a size twenty very quickly 

And even though she was still very much bulimic 

Was not treated for her ED 

Because she was not underweight

This is something that makes my blood boil

Everyone is on red alert when someone is underweight

And rightly so

It's a dangerous time

And as we all know

Anorexia has a high mortality rate 

But just because someone has regained weight to a healthy BMI

Does not mean they are cured

Of course they could be on the road to recovery

But often times the person is still struggling

I have found that because I punished my body so much over the years 

Now 

My body physically won't let me lose any significant amount of weight anymore

My weight tends to fluctuate around five kilos up or down 

But that's it 

It's like my body won't let me be underweight anymore

And that's fine with me

But yes 

It's a common problem among the ED community 

Often the body recovers long before the mind

So we are left with a healthy body 

But a very anorectic mind

And that let me tell you is a living hell

Everyone tells you how well you look

And all you want to do is slice the flesh off your body

Often those who are bulimic 

Maintain a healthy weight

But that does not mean they are healthy

There could be all sorts of complications under the surface

This is the ignorance of people

They don't know enough about eating disorders to be aware of this information

So it's up to us 

The ED community 

To let people know 

To educate them 

That eating disorders come in all sizes from obese to emaciated to everything in between

I know that I was just as sick at my highest weight as I was at my lowest weight 

Fact

I rely felt for G

She has been through the mill

And although her BMI is now healthy

She still struggles

It was good to hear from her though

You form strong bonds with the girls you meet in treatment 

They are fellow soldiers in the war against  this thing we call ED

I'm hoping they through our blogs

We might be able to educate people about EDs

Mental health is still quite a taboo subject

And eating disorders and other conditions are still whispered about 

Rather than talked about 

I'm hoping that in my life time 

This will change 

People will talk openly about their issues

Without fear of being labelled 'crazy'

We've all grown up with someone on our street or in our neighbour hood

Who was labelled 'nuts' or 'mad'

I know my auntie lived in the same estate as my family

She was called Mad Mary

It's cruel

But it's because people don't understand 

And they fear what they don't understand 

My auntie was not mad

She had a bona fide mental illness

But instead of helping or understanding 

People chose to ridice her

I've often written here about my fathers side of the family

Out of his ten brothers and sisters 

All of them have suffered with some form of mental illness or addiction

My mothers side of the family has none

And out my my two sisters and my brother

My sisters and I all have been diagnosed with mental illness and addiction

And live with these traits every day

My brother on the other hand is most like my mother

Go figure 

Anyway 

That's my Sunday morning rant over

Don't know if I made any sense 

Congratulations if you made it this far 

Both in this post 

And in life

Ha 

I have officially stopped making sense 

Think I'll go and stick my head in the oven...

(That is a figure of speech in my house

Whenever someone gets fed up they say 'I think I'll go and stick my head in the oven' ala Sylvia Plath)

Ok enough!

Goodbye 

Adios 

See you on the next post....

Honesty is the best policy

I'm writing this post in response to L

Who commented on my blog anonymously yesterday 

I'm dedicating a post to it

As it would be too long to respond in the comment section

So L 

I hope you see this

To give you the gist of it

L made the point that the reason I'm not doing the course should be because I have no interest in the course

And not because my disability will be cut

L went on to ask if I was never going to work

And she understands that life can be cosy on benefits

But that was just existing 

And not living 

First of all 

I want thank you L

For having the courage to write what a lot of readers were probably thinking

I know you said that you didn't want to come across as harsh

And you didn't 

You came across as honest and concerned

And I am grateful for that 

Correct me if I am wrong 

But I find that both in real life

And here on blogger

Honesty somehow gets lost

I know I am guilty of telling people what they want to hear

Just to keep the peace

People pleasing I guess

It's easy to say/write a hundred 'I love you's'

It's much harder to be brutally honest

I acknowledge L that this comment must have been difficult to write

And I know I had to read the comment a few times to let it sink in

To answer your question

The reason I am not doing the course is because I really don't have a lot of interest in business and computers

Yes it's true 

My disability would be cut

But that was not my primary reason 

Up until last week

I was 100% sure that I was going to do the course

But then I read the course content

And none of it appealed to me

And it's definitely not the area that I want to work in

So it really didn't make sense to go ahead and do a full time course for two years 

When my heart wasn't in it

I didn't want to start the course 

Only to drop out by Christmas 

I think I am better off looking for something that really interests me

And to answer your question about work

Yes I absolutely do want to work 

I wanted to be independent 

And support myself 

I want my own place

I want to pay my way

Pay taxes 

Contribute to the society that has helped me out greatly over the years 

I did in fact look for work this summer

You might remember that I inquired at my local dog kennel to see if they needed help

Unfortunately they couldn't take me on

Due to insurance reasons 

I also asked at the pizzeria that I used to work at

And they still haven't got back to me 

So I am actively looking

But to recession here

There are precious little jobs

No

I don't plan to be on disability for the rest of my life 

I've been on disability since my first hospital admission back in 2008

Now a days 

It much more difficult to be put on long term disability

As there have been so many budget cuts

So if I am to come off disability 

I want to make sure it is the right time

And the right circumstances

As if I am taken off it

It will be nigh on impossible to get back on it if I needed to

I guess what may come across as reluctance to work

Is in fact a case of low confidence

And low self esteem 

I still have some of those core beliefs From when I was really ill

Like I am not good enough

Not smart enough 

Not capable enough 

And these thoughts get in my way

Whether I am looking to start a course or find work 

And yes

I know I have it easy right now

I am luckier than a lot of people 

I live with my Mum and sister 

In a house with no mortgage or rent to pay

All I have to do is contribute weekly to shopping and bills

Everything else is taken care of

I pay my own bills in regard to my car and my phone 

But I know that if I was stuck 

I have two parents

And two older sisters and a brother who can bail me out

Then there is the dog shelter 

Where I have an appointment next Thursday 

I know it will be a voluntary position

But I think it will do me the world of good

To have a purpose 

A reason to get up in the morning

And what better reason than to help dogs that are in need 

As you know 

Honey and Lea and my previous dog Leo came from this very shelter 

So it's really cool to be going back to volunteer there 

And who knows 

Maybe it will lead to more opportunities 

I am a firm believer in the thought that if you push yourself to go outside 

Wonderful things can happen

You just have to push yourself to get out there

Out in to the world 

Meet new people 

And you never know what might happen

To go back to the point of commenting and friendship

The thing about our little corner of blogger

Is that a lot of us are ill

Vulnerable 

In poor health

Mentally and physically

Delicate and fragile

I know I've read posts written by bloggers

And my first thought was not the thought I wrote 

I chose my second thought 

Which was much more politically correct

Because I don't want to hurt the person

Or cause them any sort of pain

As they are already going through hell without me adding to it 

I don't want to disrespect the love that people show here on blogger

I love to spread the love

And feel the love

I guess what I am saying is that there is a time and a place for everything 

Showing love is brilliant

But sometimes raw honesty is called for too

I hope I am explaining myself properly

And I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings

In the last six months 

I have lost two very good friends here on blogger 

Some of you will remember The writer named A

And also Loulou 

I say I lost them because I have no idea what happened to them 

Loulou and I had a disagreement 

Then she deleted her blog 

And emailed me that she didn't want to be friends anymore

I haven't heard from her since

And A 

We also went through issues

Then all of a sudden 

She vanished from blogger 

And is not responding to my texts or emails

The reason I mention these two girls 

Is that I valued their friendship so much

Because they were always brutally honest with me 

I could always depend on them to tell me the truth

Even if it did hurt both me and them

I think only a real friend will do this

 I'm not saying that all the lovely comments people leave are not genuine

I truly believe they they are 

But girls 

We can't afford to tiptoe around each other 

Many of us are living in life or death situations 

Many of us are on the edge 

Being honest with someone might be a huge favour you could do for them

So L

I hope I have answered your questions

And given you the reasons for why I'm going down this path

Again

I thank you for your candour 

It was exactly what I needed to hear/read

And I'm hoping that maybe more of us will take a risk 

And be honest with our friends and fellow bloggers

God knows we really can't waste time on platitudes 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you

Do you think that honesty is the best policy?

What is your take on telling others the truth?

Are you Always honest with friends and fellow bloggers?

What stops you saying/ writing what you really think?

I'd love to know...

What next?

I'm about a year in to my recovery now

I  am weight restored

My mood is good

Anxiety under control

I feel strong 

Capable 

Able

I've just about recovered physically

And am on the way to becoming recovered mentally

Although I don't think I'll ever be fully recovered

But I'm hoping to be as well as I can possibly be 

Now that I'm feeling better

Now that I am no longer caught in a deadly game of life and death

I find myself wondering

What now?

What next?

What do I do now that I am feeling better?

My ED dominated my life for over ten years 

It was like a job

I worked all week ie restricting 

And at the end of the week I expected a big fat pay check ie weight loss

Then of course 

I had my addiction to contend with over the years

Which was also like a full time job

So now I find myself thinking 

Where do I go from here?

I wrote about starting a course

And I thought they was what I wanted to do

But if I am honest 

Business and computers are not my thing

They don't interest me

They don't capture my attention

I guess I would prefer to study something a bit more arty

That would suit my personality a bit more

So I've decided that I'm not going to do the course

Plus the fact that I will lose my disability benefit if I start the course

Everything is telling me not to do it

So I'm not going to

What are you going to do?

I hear you cry

Well I've decided for the next year

To concentrate on my recovery 

Prioritising my health and recovery

Focus on meetings and therapy

And also volunteer at my local dog shelter

I rang then today to inquire

And I'm going to see them next Thursday 

to fill out paper work

I am super duper excited about this 

I can't wait 

They mentioned that my main jobs will be walking and socialising the dogs

My idea of heaven!

In other news

I can't wait to get my next piercing done

But can't decide which one to get

Can any of you lovely ladies help me out with a suggestion

Inquiring minds want to know...

Hole in one...

So my piercing and I are slowly but surely getting used to each other

When I woke up this morning

And remembered that I had it done

I jumped out of bed to examine it in the mirror

The redness has now gone down

And I like it even more than I did yesterday

My Mum can barely look at it

And is pretty horrified that I got it done

Yesterday was a really cool experience

Going to Zombie Dolls

Meeting Terry 

Getting the piercing done

I'm so glad that Terry was straight up with me

And to me that the labret piercing wouldn't work

And didn't let me go ahead and do something that would later cause me problems 

I really liked Terry 

It was like she had no filter between her brain and her mouth

And I love that!

Now I definitely want to get more done

Maybe a few in different parts of my ear

My belly button

My tongue 

Eek I can't imagine how painful that would be 

Yesterday the pain was intense 

And my instinct was to pull her hands away

Thankfully it didn't last though

And I lived to tell the tale

Here are some photos of it today...

P Day

So

Today was the day

The day I get my piercing done

For my birthday

My birthday gift to myself 

My sister and I set off early this morning

The studios name is Zombie Dolls

And is about half an hour from my house

From the start

I had butterflies in my tummy

I like to think that I have a high pain threshold

Having been through many many dental surgeries

Pancreatitis 

And sticking many needles in to myself over the course of my addiction

I like to think I'm a tough cookie in that respect

We arrived in town

And parked 

It took us a while to actually find the place

But we did 

Eventually 

The place itself was so cool

All black

With black and white paintings on the walls

There was a young girl on reception 

She told us to take a seat

And Terry would be out to see us shortly

Terry being the piercer

A couple of minutes later

She came to greet us

A really pretty girl

About forty I would guess

With strawberry blonde hair 

And covered in tattoos 

I liked her immediately

And the place

Sometimes 

These places  can be intimidating

But this place had a lovely atmosphere

And a nice vibe

I told Terry that I wanted to get my labret done

Which is just below the bottom lip

She took a look at my labret and gums

And said that it wouldn't really work as my lip was so low it wouldn't be seen

And it would also effect my gums

I was really disappointed that I couldn't get it done

But Terry suggested that I get the bit of skin between my nose and my upper lip done

I wasn't too keen on this 

Then my sister suggested that I get my nose done

I liked that idea 

And decided to go for it

I wasn't leaving that place until I had something pierced!

I sat up on the table

And Terry prepared her tools

I decided to go for a small ring

Instead of a stud

She assured me that it wasn't too painful

And that it would all be over in a split second 

Then she did it 

She pierced my nose

And holy hell people

It didn't half hurt!

My gut reaction was to pull her hands away from me 

But thankfully the pain didn't last

And it was all over before I knew it

Terry secured the ring in my nose 

And I went to the mirror to have a look

I love it!

It's subtle 

Just what I was looking for

Terry suggested that I don't get any more piercings on my face

As my face is 'too soft'

And suggested that I go to town on my ears

One thing is for sure 

I will definitely be back for more

I've been bitten by the bug

Terry herself was amazing

She talked non stop for the whole time we were there

At one point she noticed my psoriasis

And have me the number of a homeopath who works wonders

She told us how she used to suffer with depression

And how she tried everything

Including medication

But nothing helped until she went to this man

It was funny

It was like she knew that we were struggling with some of the same issues she was 

It was like she sensed it somehow

You know how they say people can recognise their own traits in others

Well that was what it was like

I was so relieved when the whole thing was over

And do delighted that I had gone through with it

My sister was snapping away on my phone the whole way through

A picture paints a thousand words....