Weighing it up....

I have my last session with Mary this afternoon

In recent weeks

We agreed that I would weigh myself once a week

And she wouldn't weigh me at all

I had been putting it off all week

I really didn't want my good mood spoiled by the little numbers on my scale 

I was going to do it the other night

When my sister was weighing herself 

But I just couldn't bring myself to do it

Side note: My sister is now convinced that she is fat

Welcome to my world...

Last night 

I bit the bullet 

And pulled out my scales from its home under my drawers

I had been trying on clothes to wear on holidays 

And in between outfits 

In my underwear 

I stood on the scales 

And a funny thing happened

I registered the number

The second highest number I've ever seen on a weighing scales in my whole life

I waited for the horror to envelop me

The shame

The embarrassment 

The guilt to wash over me

I closed my eyes and braced myself 

But you know what ?

It didn't happen

The absolute disgust I felt the last time I reached this weight just didn't happen

I opened my eyes and stood off the scale 

Mild confusion set in

I got dressed 

And sat on the edge of my bed 

Thinking 

I'm not entirely sure when it happened

But the number on the scale seems to have lost its power

And importance over me

How?

I'm not sure of that either 

All I know is that I can now stand on my scales without having a complete meltdown

If I was braver 

I would share my weight with you

But I'm not 

So I won't 

Even though I had no initial reaction to my weight 

I did make a secret pact with myself to lose some weight before my holiday

That lasted about two hours

When I decided a lolly was more fun than a diet

The thing is

That I have gained weight 

But my clothes still fit me

Apart from one pair of trousers which I don't really wear anyway 

But I feel ok in my skin

I know I'm now curvy 

And shapely 

And that's ok 

I am ok 

Just the way I am

Right 

Will update after session with Mary

Have a lovely Tuesday.... 

Dedicated follower of fashion...

It's only in recent times that I've become interested in clothes and fashion

And my appearance in general

Growing up I was a bit of a Tomboy

And lived in jeans and trainers

I can remember when I was a teenager

Me and my friends would go in to town on a Saturday 

I used to spend about ten minutes getting ready

And would then call over to my friend 

For her

Getting ready was a military operation

Her hair 

Her clothes 

Her make up

I can remember sitting in her bathroom watching her deftly apply eye liner

And lipstick

But I felt no urge to do it myself 

I've always worn minimal make up

Mascara and foundation is about as far as I go

As a teenager 

I experimented with different styles of clothes 

But I could never find one that I felt both comfortable and fashionable

I can remember my fifteenth birthday

My parents brought me in to town to buy me some clothes as a present

I couldn't find anything that I liked

And I remember buying a few items

Just got the sake of buying them 

I didn't know what I wanted to look like 

I just knew what've didn't want to looking 

Most of my friends wore very feminine and girly clothes

But I knew that wasn't me

But I also couldn't find any thing that was 'me'

Fast forward 

And I turn 18

I've been dabbling in drugs throughout my teens 

And shortly after my 18th birthday

I take heroin for the first time

And my world spins out of control

The drug was number one 

Everything else paled into insignificance 

My family 

My friends 

My education

Clothes were just not a priority any more 

Any money that I had went on the drug 

Every single penny 

And any clothes that I did have were in tatters 

Handy tip

Never wear good clothes while smoking heroin 

You will inevitable drop the cigarettes many times 

And burn holes in said clothes

I had zero interest in clothes throughout the drug years

Or the ED years 

Having to find teeny tiny clothes could be a problem 

And anything that I did find just looked ridiculous on my skinny frame 

It's really only in the last year that I have found a look that I like

A look that suits me 

And I feel comfortable and put together 

In recent weeks 

I've had a lot of comments on my look

It has changed 

I now wear glasses

And I have my nose pierced 

Breda noticed it on Monday

I was able to tell her that this is the look I've always liked 

But never had the confidence to wear

Also my clothes 

I have now found that I am most comfortable in surfer type clothes

Hoodies 

Jeans or chinos 

And trainers or high tops 

I feel like myself in these clothes

I feel confident

And most importantly 

I feel comfortable 

I tend to have two sets of clothes

One for the house 

And one for outside 

At home 

I am down on the floor with the dogs

Cleaning

Doing housework 

And generally pottering around 

So for that I wear a tracksuit

Or leggings 

And a hoody 

Still feeling like myself 

But not any clothes that I want to keep good

When I am out and about

I wear jeans and a top

Or chinos 

With a good hoody

And good trainers 

And yes 

I do have 'good' clothes

I can remember times when I've been out and about

And I will see someone whose style that I love 

I have often tried to replicate that outfit 

But it never looked the same on me

So now I go for pieces that I know are me

I know straight away when I see an item of clothing 

Whether it's me or not 

I now know what suits me

And what doesn't 

And I feel confident in choosing clothes for myself 

I guess during the last year

I have been finding myself 

Who I am

My likes and dislikes

My style 

My opinions 

My views 

My personality 

It's really exciting finding out who Ruby is 

I guess I'm doing now 

What people usually do in their twenties 

Experimenting 

And finding themselves

I'm not conventional in any sense of the word 

I spent my whole teenage years trying to fit in

But now I like to be different 

I like to stand out 

The world would be an extremely boring place if we were all the same 

I'm not that alternative either 

But I like to be a little quirky if I can 

Nowadays 

I like to take pride in my appearance 

I do my hair

Wear a little make up 

And try to look presentable when I'm out 

Of course there are days when I can't face anything more than a tracksuit 

But that's ok too 

No one is perfect 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

What is your style?

What kind of clothes do you like to wear?

Do you have a style icon?

Who influences you?

Has your style changed over the years? 

I would love to know....

Constant Craving

I've been up since 6am

As my mother was catching an early morning flight to London

My sister is also away for a few days this weekend 

So I will be home alone

If we can at all help it

We try and not have me here alone for any prolonged period of time

I know it sounds silly

I mean I'm a 34 year old woman

And it's not that I have trouble looking after myself or the house 

It's the fact that when I am on my own

My mind tends to wander

And I could very easily get myself in to trouble

Like now

Knowing that I will be here alone 

My mind goes to dark places

And my mischievous side comes out 

I think about the things I could get up to

I could smoke 

Drink

Get out of my face on various substances 

Sometimes I get such a craving 

To get out of my mind

Off my head 

To check off the planet 

And completely zone out

To go on the nod

Slipping in and out of consciousness

I know that cravings are part and parcel of recovery 

Anyone who has a tendency for escapism deals with them

Usually I get a craving after experiencing a trigger

A song 

A smell

An item 

It could be anything 

Euphoric recall I think they call it

For instance at my mothers retirement do

Being in a bar

The stress of the speech 

Feeling a bit self conscious 

All added up to my having a drink

I've been told by countless therapists that I can't drink

But I don't think I fully accept that

I want to be able to drink 

I want to have a glass of wine with dinner 

A bottle of beer at night

But the thing is 

Even though alcohol was not my primary addiction

I still have the perpensity to spin out of control

Yes 

I might have been ok one night

And only had two drinks 

But that was only because I was on my best behaviour 

I know I could take a notion

Buy a bottle of vodka

And drink it all at home 

I know if I allow myself one drink

One is too many 

And a thousand never enough 

Smoking is a funny one

As you know 

I was a dedicated smoker

A 30 a day girl

I loved nothing more than a cup of tea and a smoke 

I did my best thinking over a cigarette

But 

I just couldn't afford them anymore 

They had to go 

I can't lie 

I do miss them 

But I don't get huge cravings for one

I could go a whole day without even thinking of one 

It's like that part of my brain has been reprogrammed 

I've iften heard it said that cigarettes are harder to give up than heroin 

Well I can categorically tell you that that is utter horse shit

Heroin was by far more difficult to give up

I never stole to get money for smokes

I never tore a room apart looking for a bag of gear

I didn't go in to severe physical withdrawal when I stopped smoking 

My body didn't crave a smoke like it craved heroin

Oh no 

Smoking was no near as difficult to give up

I get strange urges from time to time 

Like when I am walking the cliff walk with the dogs 

I get a massive urge to jump

And sometimes I'm afraid that I really will do it 

I've been in my car

And put my foot down on the accelerator 

Daring myself to drive in to the nearest wall

Or go so far that the car spins out of control

I've had urged to break my fingers and toes 

To put a hot iron on my skin

To throw myself from the top of the stairs 

Or walk out bin front of a car

The other day I had a huge urge to delete my blog 

And stop writing altogether

I though that I was just writing drivel 

That I was a bad person

And hurt people

And always said/wrote the wrong thing 

I feel like I'm always putting my foot in it 

And here in our little corner of blogger 

A lot of people here are fragile

And I need to remember that 

I go back to the original title of this blog

And then she disappeared

Even though I have since changed it to and then she recovered

The original title still holds meaning for me

I still get huge urged to disappear 

From my blog

From the Internet 

From my life 

From this earth

I'm not sure why 

I just don't always feel like I want to be here 

At this point 

I must say 

Please don't worry about me writing this 

I am perfectly fine 

Just feeling a little maudlin and sad today

And that's ok

I had an amazing day yesterday 

And I think I am on a bit of a come down today 

I'm not going to do anything silly 

I'm not feeling suicidal 

Or anything like it

These feelings and thoughts are normal for me 

I deal with them all the time

I gues sometimes I question myself and my life

And even this blog

I question why I am writing 

Is it for me?

For my own ego?

Is it to help others?

Or maybe both?

All I know is that I love writing this blog 

And I love you my fellow bloggers

This blog has been there for me in my darkest hour 

And also to celebrate my recovery 

I feel drawn to it

I feel compelled to write

Even if no one was reading 

I think I would still write 

Because it helps me

It warms my heart

And lightens my burden

And fills my soul 

It's an amazing thing 

To have a head full of noise

To sit down and write and write 

And come to the end

And my mind is quiet

There are very few things that have that effect on me 

And writing is definitely one of them 

I am so grateful to have this blog 

And you as my dear friends

It's no exaggeration to say that my online social life is more active than my real life social life 

We something special here on blogger

In something as isolating as an ED

We have found friendship and solace in each other 

We have found acceptance and unconditional love 

Understanding and valuable advice 

I know a lot of people think that these kind of blogs are not healthy

Or helpful at all 

Maybe that's because we accept someone's choice if they choose not to recover

You know when I first embarked on recovery

I worried that I wouldn't have a place in this community anymore 

I was even warned by others that I would be rejected by people here 

But I have in fact found the opposite 

My choices and decision have been accepted

And even celebrated 

And I am eternally grateful for that 

I'm writing this blog now over three years 

I often go back an read old posts 

It's amazing to have almost every day documented 

And I also notice all the bloggers who have disappeared over the years 

Do you remember Rayya?

The Lively Bones

Emily

Winter 

Peridot 

Thinderella who vanished off the face of the earth 

And more recently 

Mandy 

(R)oxyskinny

I think of these girls often 

We were part of the fabric of each other's lives 

I wonder what happened to them 

Did they recover?

Did they find that they didn't need this community anymore? 

Did they go in to hospital/treatment?

Did they die?

I wish I knew 

As they all had a special place in my heart 

I have it set up that if something happened to me 

Then my sister or Mother can log in to my blogger account 

And let you all know 

As much as I would like to disappear sometimes 

I would hate to leave you all wondering what happened to me 

I cherish our community 

And hope to preserve it 

Hope to welcome in new bloggers 

And continue to support the regulars 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you

Do you know what happened to any of these bloggers? 

How do you feel about our community at the moment?

Do you feel our community helps one another?

Do you have any new blogs you would like to share?

Is love to know...

34 (And none the wiser.,,.)

As I type this

I am sitting in the chemist

Waiting for my prescription to be filled

My doctor was back this morning

The kids are gone back to school

The radio is back to its usual schedule

Everyone has gone back to work

So all in all

Everything is getting back to normal

Just the way I like it

I guess I don't like the summer much

Maybe I would if we actually got a summer here 

But no

Autumn is my favourite season by far

We had a birthday dinner yesterday

Which was nice

My sister made my favourite dinner

Boeuf bourguignon

Delicious!

It was a relaxed laid back affair

Followed by tea and apple tart

People have me money instead of gifts

As I am going away in a couple of weeks

My mum did get me some beautiful Cath Kidson tea cups though

And white chocolate

And talcum powder

Which I love

I collected my meds 

And headed back down to the surgery to see Breda

It was a really good session with her

One where we acknowledged the positives that are happening in my life

She noticed my glasses 

And my piercing 

And said I looked really well

Which was nice to hear 

It used to be a case that when someone told me that I looked well

I had a mild panic attack 

But now

Now I am learning to accept the compliment in the spirit in which it was intended

Who'd have thought it...

I guess my look is changing 

During my addiction and ED

What I looked like just didn't matter 

I had no interest in clothes or hair or make up or my appearance at all

It's only really in the last year that I've started experimenting with my look

I guess now I know what I like 

I know what clothes suit me 

I'm a bit better at hair and make up 

As you know 

I go for the surfer type look

Even though I've never surfed a day in my life

I still like the look

I've changed my whole wardrobe in the last year

I'm much more confident in what I wear 

And how I present myself 

Breda also noticed my piercing 

She said it was a really good look on me

She also mentioned how it's great thstbibdm asserting myself 

And doing what is right for me

This is the great thing about being that little bit older 

I'm more confident in myself 

More sure of myself

I know my likes and dislikes

What suits me 

What doesn't 

I guess I'm now doing the experimenting thstbibfidnt get a chance to do in my twenties 

And it is such good fun!

I told Breda about being discharged from Mary

She thought that was great 

The only negative is that I haven't gone back to meetings yet

And she strongly advised that I do

I know that I need to

But I'm finding it really hard to go back

I know the longer I leave it 

The harder it will be

So my goal is to get to a meeting before I go away

I have such a good feeling that this year is going to be the best yet

I'm the most well I've been in years

And I plan to make the most of my health and well being 

As I said to Breda this morning

It has been a team effort to get this far

My family 

Friends 

Mary 

My doctor 

Breda

My psychiatrist 

You my fellow bloggers

Have all played an integral role in my getting well

I couldn't have done it without each and every one of you

If I could say one thing 

To all of you that are suffering right now

Please

Please 

Please

Don't leave it as long as I did to get well

I know a lot of you are in your early twenties 

Some even younger than that 

My own twenties were a right off

And when I was in the midst of my illness

I couldn't see a way out

Weight gain was a huge barrier

I resisted it so much 

I couldn't see any benefit to it

I was willing to risk my health

My happiness 

And my sanity

Just to stay thin

I can't lie 

Weight restoration is not fun

The discomfort

Clothes getting tighter

Bloating 

Feeling fat and greedy

But slowly but surely 

I began to see the benefits of weight restoration

My General health drastically improved

I no longer felt dizzy 

Weak

Exhausted 

It was like a fog lifted

Suddenly I could see more clearly

Think more clearly 

And also I got to buy all new clothes

To replace the teeny tiny clothes I used to wear 

My mood also improved 

I felt more positive and content in myself 

I know when you are in the throes of our illness 

Recovery seems like something that happens to others 

A foreign concept 

But if we could just make that leap of faith

I promise you that you will get back ten fold what you put in

I remember when I was getting clean from drugs

I decided to give myself six months

And really throw myself in to recovery

If after those six months I didn't like it 

I could always go back to my ED

It would always be there 

My recovery might not be

I guess the sane principle can be used with an ED 

We have nothing to lose 

Anyway 

Below are a couple of photos 

Me and my pyjamas this morning 

A couple of the cards I got

And the cups my Mother gave me

M 

Sunday

Although it is my birthday tomorrow

We are celebrating today

I say celebrating

More like a small family dinner 

That's what I wanted 

Something informal and low key

A get together with my nearest and dearest

Tomorrow I'll be 34

It's a big deal for me to even admit to that

For the first couple of years writing this blog

I avoided telling anyone my age

Because I felt ashamed

Ashamed that I was a woman in my thirties 

And I had made such a mess of my life

Now?

Well now I'm proud of my age

I proud that I made it this far

Yes I have little to show for my life

I don't have a partner 

Or children

A job

Or my own house 

What I do have is my health

And peace of mind 

And that outweighs anything else

34 

Another year 

Usually I would be clocking up the years of my illness 

But now I am counting my years in recovery 

By rights 

I should be dear ten times over

In the meetings 

They say people in recovery are hand picked 

I don't know if that's true 

But it's a nice thought

Anyway 

I'll post pictures of said dinner later on

Have a good Sunday.....

Freedom to live

Today I am really struck by the freedom I have to live

Watching the crisis in Syria

And all those poor refugees 

I realise how lucky I am to live in a country where I am free to do as I please

But not just free from prosecution

I am free from the my own demons

The demons inside my head

The demons that drove me to the brink of death

Free from the drug that held me captive for so many years

I was a slave to that drug

And I never let myself forget how bad things were when I was addicted to heroin

Never 

And of course my ED

Bouncing from anorexia to bulimia and back again 

The scary thing about these disorders is that we don't realise how sick and near death we truly are

I am one of the lucky ones 

I made it out relatively unscathed 

I think our thirties are a time when things either get a lot better 

Or a lot worse

I guess it's when you really grow up

And become an adult

Addiction took so much out of me

The getting and using 

Finding ways and means to get drugs 

I had the energy for it in my twenties 

But now

No way 

I don't have the energy 

Or the inclination to chase the dragon

Heroin brought me to my knees 

And burned me out 

Mentally and physically

And throw in an ED

And I was broken 

It has taken until now 

Until I turn 34 

To put the pieces of the jigsaw that is my life back together 

This morning I woke up

With a roof over my head

In a dry bed 

In a warm house 

My dogs woke me up

WAnting to go outside 

I have no pressing worries

The only thing in my mind is my upcoming birthday

And the family dinner we will have

I get up 

Throw on a hoody and slippers

Let the dogs out 

Put the kettle on

And make some toast 

I look out the window 

And see the mountains just beyond the back garden 

Every window in my house is like a huge wide screen TV

Showing the beauty and wonder of this beautiful country

I turn on the radio

And settle down with my tea and toast

Like I said 

I have no worries

I am not strung out 

I am not gasping for a drink or drug

I'm not weak from lack of food 

My body and mind are healthy 

My inner critic is silent 

I am at peace 

After a while 

I make my Mum breakfast and bring it down to her in bed 

Honey comes too

And Lea waits in the car

I chat with Mum a while 

Then I get dressed 

I am lucky enough to have plenty of nice clothing 

I scrub up well if I make an effort

Next I go and call my sister

She sleep upstairs

I think about how glad I am to have her home

After being in Australia for 12 years

How great it is to talk to her when ever I want

When we all ready 

We all pile in to my sisters car 

My Mum and sister in the front

Me and Honey and Lea in the back

We drive to the beach

For a brisk walk

As I watch the dogs running so freely 

And having a great time 

I think about how lucky I am to have such amazing dogs 

And how they have helped me so very much

They truly are my best friends 

We walk the beach

Then head down to the village

We visit the peace garden 

Which is so quiet and peaceful

We run our hands along the lavender

And cup them around our noses to inhale  the scent 

We sit on the bench in silence for a few moments 

And just for that minute

Everything is ok

And exactly how it should be

It's no fluke 

Or freak of nature that I am the way I am

I come from a long line of people who suffer from addiction and mental health issues

There are six in my family

Four of us have suffererd  with these issues

A few years ago

All four of us were in active addiction

It was a living nightmare

But now 

All four of us are clean and sober and well

And that is nothing short of a miracle

Today I am grateful

So very grateful

For coming through what I've been through

For making it out the other side

Along with my family 

I am grateful for the lessons I have learned along the way

I am grateful that I live in a country where freedom is a given

And I can live the way I want to

I am grateful for the people I have in my life 

My family whose unwavering support has seen me through so many bad times

The friends who have stood by me through it all

I am grateful for the professionals in my life 

My doctor

Mary

Breda

My psychiatrist 

Who have gone above and beyond their duty to help me

I am grateful to have two amazing dogs 

Who are always by my side

And have been there for me for the past ten years 

I am grateful for my health

Given all I have put my body through 

I know I am blessed to be as healthy as I am

I am grateful for my recovery 

For my peace of mind 

For my drive and determination for a better life

I am grateful that I was hand picked to be in recovery

That I have a second chance at life

I am grateful that I have a roof over my head

Food in my fridge

And a car to drive 

I am grateful to be part of this community

To call you all friends

For you to be part of my story

And for me to be part of yours

It's very easy to cruise along

Taking life for granted 

But today 

Today I am really feeling the gratitude 

They say to be happy 

You need to want what you have

Not have what you want

And I have a lot

More than a lot of people

I am so grateful for that 

Here are some pics from today....

Discharge

I saw Mary yesterday

After my trip to the dog shelter

I always like to see Mary

Our chats are always interesting and informative

We know each other well by this stage

I've been seeing her for four years now

Mary often reminds me of our first session

Her post was new

A position that was greatly needed in the community

Before Mary

ED patients were sent to General CBT

But Mary became a specific ED therapist 

So was geared more towards an ED patients needs

Mary often reminds me of the state I was in when I first saw her

I was broken

Both in body and mind 

In my mind 

This new therapy was the latest in a long line of failed attempts to get on top of my ED 

I had no expectations 

Very little hope

After all

I had been through therapist who told me that I 'wasn't that bad'

And another one who told me that I was 'emancipated'

My memory of those first sessions is hazy 

But then everything from that time was hazy

I was running off of fumes 

Underweight

Malnourished 

Mentally and physically weak

And of course it wasn't a case that I miraculously recovered

It was a long hard road

So many sessions of butting heads

Many many tears 

My walking out on more than one occasion 

I put up great resistance to getting well

My weight has fluctuated greatly over the years 

From emaciated to just about heslthy and back again 

I had a break from Mary when I went in to treatment

Another one when my weight became too low for her to see me

And another one when her post was  cut due to budget issues 

But I always went back

And Mary always made an effort to get me back 

I think you can probably guess where this post is heading 

Yes 

After four long years

Of highs and lows

Ups and downs 

Tears and laughter 

Mary informed me that she is formally discharging me

And not because I am not engaging in therapy

Or because my weight is too low to continue

Oh no 

It's because I am actually well enough!

I was actually gobsmacked

Because most of the time 

I consider myself to be a perpetual f**k up 

Me 

Queen of trouble and mischief 

Is actually being discharged

Because Mary considers me to be well enough!

At first 

In my head 

I panicked

I was like 

Noooo

I need you

Please don't go

I need Mary in my life

Sometimes she is the only sane person I speak to of a week 

But

She assured me that I have made great strides

And it's time 

We talked for a while

About the last four years 

And the progress that has been made 

In a lot of ways 

It happened quite suddenly

But I think in reality 

I had spent years laying the ground work

By going to therapy 

Months in treatment 

And generally preparing myself mentally for recovery 

I am just over a year in to my recovery

I am weight restored 

I feel good 

My mood is good

My health is the best it's been for a long time 

And I guess that it's now that I am feeling better 

That I realise how low and depressed I was 

I hated myself 

And resented life

I had a passive death wish

Not actively seeking death

But welcoming it if it came 

Now I am stable 

I can feel

And feint is no way as scary as I thought it would be

I'm now strong

Capable and able

And that feels amazing 

I'm now in the process of rebuilding my life 

And trying to find my place in the world

I don't equate beauty with weight anymore

And I am just finding myself 

My opinions

My style

My take on life

I'm a 34 year old woman 

I've been through a lot 

I've survived this long through sheer stubbornness 

And determination 

I've abused my body so much over the years 

I'm just happy that it hasn't given up on me 

So yes 

Next Thursday will be my last appointment with Mary 

Then I am on my own 

Standing on my own two feet 

I feel ready 

I think I can do it 

I really think I can