Dealing with comments

One of the most difficult aspects of recovery

Right from very early recovery

Is dealing with comments about your weight/shape or appearance from others 

And sometimes 

We might not even be in recovery when we get these comments

And that makes it even more difficult

I can only speak for myself 

But from talking to others 

And reading your blogs

It seems it's a universal problem for us ED girls

I've been dealing with these comments for years

As my weight yo-yoed up and down 

I can remember being devastated after someone told me I looked well

Or had a complete meltdown after a comment about how I looked

I can remember about this time last year

Someone commented that I had 'filled out'

I had to take some really deep breathes after that one

 Other comments range from

'You look really well'

'You look great'

'You've really improved'

'You have gained weight'

And on and on

The thing is 

That I know that people want to acknowledge that we are in a better place

They want to acknowledge that we look better

But the thing is

We might not be in a better place

We might have gained weight because we are binge eating

We might be still purging 

And even if we are in recovery 

It's dodgy territory

As I know up until recently 

When someone told me that I looked well

I immediately equated that in my head to

'You've gained weight'

The words no self respecting anorectic or bulimic ever wants to hear

Hearing those words when you are in a fragile state of mind 

Can really upset us

And send us straight back in to arms of our ED

In my family 

My Mother warned everyone years ago

Not to comment on my weight or appearance

So my family is well trained 

Instead they would compliment my hair

Or my outfit

Or make up

Which is much easier to take

For us ED girls

Weight is a very private

Very personal matter

We don't appreciate comments about the one thing we hang our self worth on

We take such comments to heart

Although I know people don't understand  how destructive these comments can be 

Mary was a great example

Over the years that I saw her

She never once commented on my weight or appearance

And I remember her telling me that she never comments on anyone's weight

Whether they have an ED or not

I like that philosophy 

Because you just never know how someone is going to take such a comment

My neighbour called over a couple of days ago

A man in his fifties I would say 

He asked about my health

I said I was in good form 

He said that I was looking 'exceptionally well'

This could have been cause for a complete meltdown 

But I was able to rationalise it in my head

These people were used to looking at me  very underweight

And now I look different

I look healthy 

Well 

My hair is thick and shiny

My skin has a glow

My teeth have been improved beyond recognition

I now take a bit of time and care with my appearance 

So I guess it's a combination of all these things 

Not just my weight

As well as weight

Recovery changes a lot more about us

I look back at photos of me when I was ill

I have a haunted look about me

Dead in the eyes 

Pale

Gaunt

Now that I am feeding myself 

And looking after myself better

There is a light back in my eyes 

It's like I've been switched on

When I was switched off for so long 

Another reason why I don't like to focus on weight

Is the whole fat and skinny shaming thing

If you are in the UK

You have probably heard about all the flack that Cheryl Cole is getting over her weight

People are saying that she is too skinny

And she is really being harassed 

Cheryl has hit back

Saying that she has been under a lot of stress lately

And also that it's not ok to skinny shame someone

That it's just as bad as fat shaming someone 

I agree with Cheryl 

Focusing and commenting on someone's weight is never a good thing

I'm sure you've all seen the celebrity magazines 

Where they discuss who has lost or gained weight 

The photos of people who have lost weight

Or those who have gained weight

Or have cellulite 

Or an extra bit of fat

It's outrageous that these magazines can do this 

And get away with it

Shaming someone's body is how eating disorders are born and reinforced 

At the moment 

I have made a kind of peace with the comments that I get about my weight and appearance 

I can now say thank you for the compliment 

And don't file it away in my brain

To take out and berate myself with later on

I think part of the reason that I am playing around with my look at the moment 

Is that I don't want to define myself by my weight anymore

I don't want to be known as the 'underweight girl'

Or the 'sick one'

I don't even want to be known as the 'girl in recovery'

I don't want to be defined by anything that pertains to my weight 

I am now the girl who is living her life in the best way that she knows how

I am the girl who likes to look a bit different 

The girl who is a MaMa to two beautiful dogs 

The girl who fights every single day to be a better person than the day before 

The girl who despite what her body looks like

Is a good person

I don't want my weight to be tied to my self worth and my self esteem any more

Because for so long I measured my worth in pounds and ounces 

I starved 

Binged 

And purged my way through my twenties 

I am determined that my thirties won't be like that 

Recovery can not happen without weight restoration 

If we want to get well

We have to accept the fact that part of getting well is regaining weight to a healthy range

For me 

My weight re-gain was quite traumatic 

As it happened incredibly quickly

Faster than my mind could make sense of it

Before I knew it 

I was a healthy weight 

In an ideal world

I would have gained it slowly and steadily 

But like a lot of things in my life

It happened almost in spite of myself

Right now

My weight is one of the highest numbers I have ever seen 

But for some reason

I am ok with that 

I'm ok with being healthy 

Because the pros of it out weigh the cons by a hell of a lot

With a healthy body comes a healthy mind 

A clear mind 

I'm not willing to sacrifice my sanity for a low weight any more

I can remember being in treatment 

Obviously I was encouraged by staff and my family to gain weight

At a rate of 1kg a week

But I just couldn't get my head around this 

Weight gain was a fate worse than death in my mind 

I just couldn't do it

Couldn't even consider it 

But now

Now than I have come out the other side 

I have to tell you that it's one of the best things I have ever done 

I swear I didn't realise how shitty I felt until I started to feel better 

I had become so used to feeling awful

That it had become normal

Now I know what it feels like to truly feel good

  I can only hope that my experience will go some way to helping others

To helping you my beautiful blogging friends

It's all very well your doctor 

Or your family telling you that weight restoration is essential

But when someone who has been there tells you 

It holds more weight I think

Because that person has been there

Experienced it

And lived it

As I have often said 

As quickly as things can go belly up

They can also turn around just as quickly 

In AA they say that if you follow the programme 

You will be amazed before you are halfway through 

That you will know a new kind of peace 

As well as the 12 steps 

There are also 12 promises 

Things that are guaranteed to happen if you stay clean and sober 

And work the programme 

Things like 

You will now know how to handle situations that used to baffle you 

For me 

Recovery has enriched my life beyond words

My life has changed beyond recognition 

And I am eternally grateful for that 

I just want youth know that it is possible for you too 

It's right there 

You just have to reach out and grab it

In the rooms 

They say that the first times you embark on recovery it is a gift

The second time you work for it

For me

This has been true 

But no matter how many times I slipped or relapsed 

My recovery was always there 

It will always  be there 

Always

Please remember that it is never too late

Never 

You can do this 

Heck if I can get well 

Then anyone can 

And you deserve it

God knows we have suffered enough

And if you don't believe in yourself 

Let us believe in you until you do

Your life is too precious to waste on this cruel illness 

You are worth much much more 

I promise you that 

Style #1

So I've been living with my new hair cut for about 24 hours now

The initial shock of seeing my head shaved has worn off 

And my new hair is growing on me

Literally 

I think I like it though

I am just getting used to it

And playing with different styles

And you guys

It is so much fun!

This is the look that I've always wanted 

But just didn't have the confidence or courage to do

I guess for the longest time I've been Ruby the patient

The sick one

And I couldn't see beyond that 

Now I know that I am much more than Ruby the anorectic 

Or Ruby the addict

Now I am Ruby the dog sitter 

Ruby the volunteer

Ruby the girl with the pierced nose and shaved head

Ruby the girl who is so much more than her illness 

As I said in some of my comments

I feel like a teenager

Experimenting 

Finding out who I am 

What I like

What I want to look like 

And I love it!

I know my mother is horrified with my new look 

But isn't that the way that the world works?

The older generation gasp at the younger one?

Yes

That's exactly the way it should be

I would be worried if my mother really liked my look

I sent a photo to my Dad last night 

He sent back a text 'very nice Ruby' 

Ha!

I'm pretty sure he very nearly had a heart attack when he saw it

Anyway

Here is today's style 

Will I ever get tired of putting my hair in a bun?

I don't think so.....

New Do!

As you may know

I wanted to get my hair done

In either an under cut

Or half shaved

I decided to go with the half shave in the end 

I was so excited to go to the hairdressers today

My sister thought it was a great idea

But my poor Mother was horrified 

My appointment was at 11am

And I just couldn't wait

I decided to get a few inches off my hair also

So the hairdresser did that first 

And then shaved the side of my head

First with a number 2 blade

And then with a number 1 

As I thought it could be shorter

I'm still getting used to it

And the different ways I can wear my hair

But I think I like it

Anyway 

Here are the photos....

From the front

The Haircut: You decide

As you know
Lately I have been experimenting with my look
I've had my nose pierced
I'm now wearing glasses
I'm thinking of getting a tattoo
And next for a change
Is my hair

I have made an appointment to get my hair done tomorrow morning
And I have two styles that I am thinking of getting done
Here is where I need your help
The first style is the under cut
Ala Rita Ora

 

I told my Dad that I am thinking of getting this done
And he said I was in the 'wrong age bracket'
But I really don't care if I am the wrong age
Or even if its passe
I still want to get it done

The other style is similar
The half shaved head
Like this











 So I'm wondering what you guys think
Have you ever had either of these styles?
Which do you think  would suit me better?
 And please do tell me if you think I have lost my mind
I'm a big girl
I can handle it

Its just that I so sick of my hair right now
I have two styles that I rotate
Hair up in a bun
Or down and straightened
It just doesn't go with who I am any more
You know?

Anyway
Let me know your thoughts
I am waiting with baited breath........

Blogging and a bit of honesty

It's    been over three years now since I first started writing this blog

It has been one of the better decisions I have made in recent times

From the start 

My blog has been a life line 

A strong support 

It has saved my life 

And my sanity many times

Often my blog is the one place that I am entirely honest

And with that in mind 

I need to make a confession

So here goes

First I should say 

That recovery is about progress not perfection

But lately I've been feeling like a fraud in regards to my drug addiction

With my ED 

I think I can safely say that I am in recovery

I am weight restored 

My thinking and behaviours are markedly improved 

Yes I do still purge the odd time 

But it's not a daily occurrence any more

When it used to be up to 15 times a day

So I think I'm about as good as I'm

Going to get in that regard 

But my addiction

Well that is kind of a grey area at the moment 

It's true

I'm not using heroin

Or any illegal drug

But I am on quite a hefty amount of prescription medication

Including methadone 

And various others

And people 

I have to confess

That I am not taking them properly 

In fact I don't think I have ever taken them properly

I take them to suit myself 

If I have a busy day 

I won't take any

And if I have I quiet day

I will overuse them

To escape

To get out of my own head 

To check off the planet for a while

To zone out 

I plan it do I will only go one day without meds

And the rest of the days are spent drifting in and out of sleep

I know 

It's not good

If I was braver I would talk to my doctor

Or to Breda 

But I'm not at that point yet

Because the thing is

My drugs are handed to me every week

They are legal 

The are meant for me

I'm supposed to take them

So where is the problem?

I know myself that this is not good 

It's almost as good as using 

As I am taking 

And abusing mild altering drugs

I really need to get my s**t together though

Because on Tuesday 

I am travelling to Turkey with my family

So I really don't want to sleep my way through that week

The thing is though 

That even when I take my meds properly  

They still make me groggy 

When I was in Belfast during the summer

I really struggled to stay awake

And missed out on a lot 

So on this holiday

I am determined to be alert and bright 

Obviously I can't not take the methadone I need that one 

But I can pare back the other meds 

The olanzapine

And the anti depressants

So I think I will take them PRN

When and if I need them

So yes

On Tuesday we travel to Turkey 

I am excited 

But also worried

As it will be hot there 

And I will be getting my arms and legs out

This is why I've been tanning 

So I feel a little bit better bareing all

This is where I need your help 

Have any of you gone on holiday this year?

Either while actively in your ED

Or in recovery

How did you manage?

What got you through?

Do you have any tips for me?

I really need help with this one...

The other anorexic...

You may remember over the years

My mentioning another girl in my area who is also anorexic

I used to meet her when I was walking my dogs

She would be pounding the pavement

Like a speed walker

And she seemed to walk all day

As any time I went walking

I met her

She was incredibly thin

With stick like arms and legs 

I don't know how she had the energy to walk so fast and so far

I guess she was like me

Running off of the fumes of the little food we allowed ourselves

And when we passed each other

We would whisper a timid hi

I recognised her straight away as a fellow anorectic the first time I saw her

You know the way you just know when you meet someone just like you

It was then that I realised that I wasn't the only anorectic in the village

As with a lot of eating disordered people 

It's hard to gage this woman's age

As her body was so childlike

Yet her face was that of someone in their mid to late forties

I have photos of me looking the same way

Having the body of a male child 

But the face of a mature woman 

It's a strange combination

And maybe one of the reasons that we recognised each other

I asked around about this girl 

I found out her name 

And that her sister died from anorexia a while back

She doesn't seem to work 

But drives a nice car

And always presents herself very well

I get the impression that she is an A typical anorexic

Shy 

Introverted 

A perfectionist 

She had all the ingredients to make up a recipe for disaster ED wise

I've met this girl quite a bit over the years

But have never said more than hello to her

But still

I felt we had a strange connection

They neither of us had to say anything 

Because we both felt each other's pain

And of course

I used to compare myself to this girl

Wondering if I was as thin as her

I'm sure she was thinking the same looking at me

I also often used to meet her in the supermarket

Which was mortifying 

As she would be buying things like bananas and lettuce

And I would have a basket full of binge food 

I wondered if she binged 

If she ever lost control completely 

Like I did almost every day

Sometimes I had a huge urge to speak to this girl

To run up to her

And give her a huge hug

And tell her that I understood her pain

That she could talk to me if she wanted

That I could be a friend to her

But of course I never did

I wish I had though

Over the last year

I have noticed that this girl hasn't been around much

I haven't met her walking in ages

And I was wondering what happened to her

I was hoping that she had got well

And found recovery 

But I really feared for her and her safety 

In the last couple of months

I have met this girl a couple of times shopping 

And I am delighted to report that she looks so much better

She has gained weight 

Not a lot

But enough so that she has life in her eyes again 

And a spring in her step 

I was so happy to see her in a better place 

It warms my heart 

And gives me hope

I was in the doctors this morning

I had just finished 

And was a walking out the surgery door

When I came face to face with this girl

She saw me

And I registered surprise in her face

She held the door for me

I said hello

And thanked her 

But for that split second 

Looking in to each other's eyes

I felt like we almost had a conversation

We saw each other looking

And feeling so much better

I even felt proud of this girl

For taking her life back

And for standing up to this cruel illness

Now that I am on the mend 

And tentatively venture in to recovery 

I feel a huge urge and obligation to let others know that recovery is possible 

I feel it's my duty to spread the word that you can and will get better

Mary asked me last week 

If I could go back and tell my ill self something

What would it be

I didn't have to think long about this

I would tell myself to go for recovery

That I had nothing to lose

And everything to gain 

Not to waste another year, month, week, day on this illness 

To take that leap of faith

I wouldn't regret it

Now I feel like I should let others know the huge benefits of embarking on recovery 

In the midst of an ED

It's so hard to see a way out 

To see beyond the ED

Which is why weight restoration is vital in recovery 

You literally can't think straight until your brain and body is fed

I can't even explain to you

How much better I feel now that I am weight restored 

I can think straight 

I have more strength and capability 

The difference is night and day 

But of course 

As the saying goes 

You can take a horse to water 

But you can't make it drink

It's the same with recovery 

From any addiction or illness

You can't change until you are ready 

Denial is a powerful thing

And people can go their whole lives without acknowledging that there is a problem

No one can do it for you

As I have often said 

If love and support could have got me well

Then I would have recovered a long time ago

But you can't force it

It happens only when we are ready

I am just so happy that this girl seems to be getting well 

And I would still love to talk to her 

But maybe that would be inappropriate 

I'm not quite sure

I think recovery often happens when people reach their thirties

At this age

A lot of people have been suffering for over a decade 

Usually people are worn down

And sick and tired of feeling sick and tired

I know I had more energy in my twenties 

I had the resilience to bounce back and keep going 

But now

I just don't have the energy or the inclination to maintain an ED or an addiction

I'm just too old for that s**t

The point of this post

Is to let you know that recovery is possible 

No matter how low you go

Or how hard you fall 

Recovery is there for each and every one of us 

We just have to reach out and grab it

My friend the walker

I'm sure her quality of life has dramatically improved  

And I wish her every health and happiness 

God knows she deserves it

Weigh Me?

As you know

Mary discharged me this week

And from the mental health services 

It's kind of scary 

As Mary was always my go to woman in times of crisis

She was close enough to me 

So that I could tell her anything 

But she was also far away enough to give me impartial advice

I know that I still have my doctor

And Breda

But I still think there will be a Maru shaped hole in my life

For now anyway 

I always took my lead from Mary as regards weighing

When my weight was low

She weighed me every week

Sometimes twice a week 

And as I began to recover 

She only weighed me from time to time

And then I used weigh at home once a week

Of course I have my own scale at home 

So if I suddenly get an urge to weigh myself I can 

But now I am wondering how often I should weigh myself 

Now that I have no one to report to

It's something that I forget to ask Mary about 

But I have a sneaking suspicion that she would advise me to do it once a week

But part of me thinks that is too much 

As weighing at the moment 

Is not something that is bothering me 

I think as long as my clothes for me

Then I am doing ok

Although I know that my weight tends to fluctuate quite a. It

So I was wondering about you

If you have been discharged from treatment

Inpatient or outpatient

Or you are recovering 

Or you are regaining weight

Or are weight restored 

How often do you weigh?

How often do you think is healthy?

Dos it help you to weigh in recovery?

Or does it hinder you?

I'd love to know.....