Memories of Turkey

I'm only now sorting all of the things I bought in Turkey

Presents for friends and family 

Keepsakes for myself 

We actually brought an empty bag with

Because we knew we'd have more coming back than we had going out

As we all know

I am a dedicated and passionate shopper 

My favourite day of our holiday

Was in the Grand Bizarre 

Haggling with the traders

And trying to get a good price

The thing with haggling is 

That both parties should come out of it happy

Often the initial price a trader gives you

Will be greatly inflated 

And they expect you to haggle with them

But not insult them

So here is some of my haul....

Turkish Slippers were 65 Turkish Lira and bought for 50

 

 

Toms

New Balance trainers

Turkish bathrobe was 65 Turkish Lira and bought for 50

Topkapi Palace t-shirt

Soap for a friend

The evil eye to ward off evil spirits

Couldn't resist this notebook

Money maker?

My sister has a real business head on her shoulders

She worked in Sydney Australia for ten years as a project manager

So she is very computer literate 

She thinks logically 

And is the designated technical support person in our house

I swear we would be lost without her

And were while she was away

She is home over a year now

And she took the first year to find her feet here

And to look after her mental health

She is now doing well

She has come off her meds 

And feels able to look for work now 

So she has moved 6 hours away

To stay with her partner 

While she looks for work

As there is just no work here for her

Or for anyone for that matter 

For a while now 

My sister has been telling me 

That I should try and make some money from my blog 

And that it's a valid way to make an income 

I guess my blog is like a job in a lot of ways 

I do it at the same time every day 

I put a lot of work and energy in to it

And I pour my heart and soul in to it

For a long time 

It really didn't matter to me whether my blog made money or not 

It wasn't about money 

And it's still not about money

But I can't lie 

It would be amazing if I could earn some sort of living out of writing my blog

I've seen blogs with advertisements 

And I'm not sure I want to go that route 

Especially not if its some thing to do with weigh loss or anything like that

That goes against everything my blog stands for 

And I don't want the tone and flow of the blog to be tarnished with ads 

My sister also thinks I should make my blog in to an E-Book

Again

I don't know quite how that works 

But I am definitely interested 

I mean 

Yes 

I can write 

But all the other stuff 

Like logistics and computers 

I'm not so good at 

I guess these days 

There are more and more ways to make money on line

You have Youtubers 

And people who write books

Self publish books 

And if there was a way to make money from my blog 

Apart from advertisements 

I would definitely do it 

I haven't worked in quite a while 

My last job was teaching dance to kids 

It was something that I set up myself 

And went on to have four classes a week 

I've had many jobs since leaving school

Everything from working in a factory 

To being a teller in a bank 

I'm really not good in those type of jobs though 

And I think I do better in a more creative type of post 

Or working with animals 

Which I am so passionate about 

My blog is something that I love to do 

Even if I never made a penny out of it 

I would still do it 

It means more to me than money ever could 

Making money from it would be a bonus 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

Have you ever thought about making money from your blog? 

Would you put ads on your blog? 

Have you ever thought about publishing an E-Book?

Inquiring minds want to know.....

Back on track

I woke up this morning feeling a little better

The past few mornings 

I've really struggled to wake up

And to get up

I just wanted to sleep the day away

And completely zone out

But I can't do that 

I have two dogs that rely on me to let them out in the morning

To walk them 

To feed them

And to play with them 

And thank God I do

Because otherwise I don't think I would ever get out of bed

I guess an accumulation of things have got to me over the last week

Coming home from my holiday 

Failing my driving test

Being attacked on my blog

And losing weight all contributed to being a big ol' bump in the road for me

But that's life I guess 

You just have to roll with punches

I suppose I'm back to reality now 

Back to everyday life 

Back to my humdrum existence 

I know it's up to me to get back on track now 

I need to make some decisions

I need to decide whether I want to be in recovery from drugs or not

Because I am misusing my meds 

And in my book 

That is as good as using 

It alters my mood

It gets me out of my head

And if I do choose recovery 

I need to decide whether I want to do it the 12 step way

And go to meetings 

And work a programme 

And really get a good foundation in my recovery

I haven't been to a meeting in a few months now

And once I stop going 

It's really very hard to go back

And the longer you leave it

The harder it becomes 

I met a girl this morning from the meetings 

I chatted to her for a while 

It was nice 

I could see the recovery in her

And hear it in her voice

I want that 

I want that peace of mind 

That confidence 

And contentment 

I haven't  been in touch with any of my friends since before I went away 

It's a bit of a sad fact 

That my online social life 

Is a lot more active than my real live one 

I've had to deal with a lot of cravings recently

On holidays 

It was smoking 

I was dying for a cigarette 

As everyone in Turkey seems to smoke 

And I've also been having a lot of using dreams 

They are always the same 

The same people 

The same scenario 

It's so vivid 

And do real 

That when I wake up I'm in a cold sweat 

I saw a show recently about methadone users in Dublin

It was lazy journalism if you ask me

They didn't report from outside Dublin

And all the participants were stereotypical drug addicts 

Junkies 

I think sometimes people in this country forget that there is life beyond Dublin 

I think I wrote about having a drink on the plane on the way to Turkey

I don't know why I did 

I saw others drinking 

And I wanted one too 

This was the third instance that I have taken a drink in recent times 

But

As I always suspected 

I don't like the effect that alcohol has on me 

I'm a horrible drunk

I talk complete bullshit 

And either become really annoying 

Or really emotional

No

I think it's safe to say that I can't hold my drink 

I think also the thing I don't like about drink and drugs 

Is that  it's not real 

Anything you feel 

You say 

You do while under the influence is not real

It's all fake 

The friendships 

The relationships 

The conversations 

None of it is real 

When I was using heroin

I hung around in a particular group of people 

We had nothing in common

Only the drug 

We had nothing to say to each other 

Until after we took the drug

Then we acted like best friends 

There is no loyalty in addiction

Who ever you are with that day is your best buddy 

Until the drug wears off

And then you are back to being strangers again 

I know that I can't use or drink

Even now and again 

As with a lot of things with me 

It's all or nothing

Black or white 

This post really is to let you know that I'm  not giving up 

Not just yet anyway 

I have come too far to turn back now 

And I've now seen what life could be like for me 

If I persevere in my recovery 

Over that last week 

I just wanted to fall apart 

To just lie down and let my ED and addiction wash over me

And consume me 

But I won't let that happen if I can help it 

I will continue to fight 

Continue you to seek a better life 

For me and my family 

Since I started writing my blog three and a half years ago 

Amazing things have happened 

I've won awards 

I've met the most amazing people 

Who I now call friends 

I've participated in studies

Helped students with projects

And more recently was contacted by a magazine to write an article

More of which to come 

I've been contacted by people from all over the world 

People who are also suffering 

Concerned family members 

Friends 

My blog has been an amazingly strong force for good in my life 

And I am so grateful for that 

As we all know 

There is strength in numbers 

And I truly believe that by joining forces together 

We can put up a resistance to mental health issues 

And addiction 

I guess sometimes 

I can get a little overwhelmed by my situation

Writing that piece for the magazine 

It brought me back to my past 

And the reasons I turned to drugs and food 

It can all seem like too much when I condense it like that 

I suppose I feel like I am at a disadvantage a lot of the time 

I have had to fight tooth and nail

To get to the point where most people start off

I struggle just to get through the day 

Without completely losing my mind

Or my marbles 

I try my best every day

To be the best version of myself that I can be

I've come a long way in the last year 

But there is much work to be done 

I am trying though 

And with the help of my family 

I know I will get there 

I also wanted to say thank you

To you my little blogger family 

For being there 

Every single step of the way

For believing in me 

When I didn't believe in myself

For reading 

For commenting

For emailing and texting 

You have been nothing short of amazing 

And I love and treasure every one of you 

So if you are feeling low today

If you feel like hope is slipping away 

That you are so tired of holding on

Of fighting 

Of trying to be well

I want to urge you to keep going 

I promise you

Things can and will get better 

All we have to do is deal with this day 

24 hours 

Anything is possible in that space of time 

Our whole lives can transform in the space of a day 

The important thing is to keep putting one foot in front of the other

And keep going 

Do what you have to do to stay well

Take time for yourself 

Put yourself first 

Be kind to you 

And gentle 

Because you are worth it

And you deserve to be as well as you can 

So please 

Today 

If you do one thing 

Say to yourself 

I'm exactly where I am supposed to be 

Because you are

We all are

We are good people 

Yes you too

You are a good person

And you deserve to be well and happy 

We all do 

So please 

Do this today 

You won't regret it

I promise you 

Struggling

This is me 

Ruby 

I am struggling right now

Trying my best to get back on track

Trying not to let this dip turn in to a slip

Or a relapse 

This is the face of a girl who is fighting 

Fighting for a better life

For her and her family 

This is the face of a girl who is insecure

She is afraid 

Lonely 

Sometimes it feels like she is on the edge 

That she is going to free fall in to her ED or addiction 

She is worried 

Worried that she is not strong enough

Not good enough 

Not pretty enough 

Not smart enough 

She worries all the time 

This is the face of a girl who smiles 

Even though she is crying on the inside 

Sometimes she feels like she is going to fall apart 

Fall down 

And crumble 

She tries her best to keep it all together 

To do her best 

But sometimes she can't 

This is the face of a girl who wants to be a good person

Tries her best to do the right thing

She doesn't always succeed 

But the important thing is to try 

This girl makes mistakes 

Every single day 

But she tries to learn from them

And move on 

This girl is afraid of relapsing

She knows that she is in a precarious situation at the moment 

She has lost weight 

She is feeling vulnerable 

Afraid 

She is equally thrilled and terrified at the prospect of slipping 

This girl craves oblivion

Every day she has to fight the urge to check off the planet 

To escape 

To run 

To hide 

This girl is doing her best 

To be a good person

To do the right thing 

To be a good daughter

Sister 

Auntie 

Friend 

Doggy mama

She is trying her best 

And she hopes that is good enough

 

Wednesday

I am feeling pretty bruised today

After yesterday

Failing my driving test

And then being attacked on my own blog

By 'anonymous' of course

Because these people don't have the courage of their convictions

To comment under their real name

I'm not getting in to the whole thing again today

I explained myself yesterday

Even though I am under no obligation to

I know that I am not doing anything wrong

But yes I have made mistakes 

I am not perfect 

Far from it

I make mistakes every single day

That's life 

That's reality 

This is the thing about writing a blog

And putting yourself out there 

You are open to insult and ridicule 

I know a lot of you disable anonymous comments 

I haven't done this 

And I don't plan to

But it means that anyone can say/write anything to you and about you

99% of the feedback I get here on my blog is positive 

I really get very little negative feedback

But it's ok

Of course we are not all going to agree all the time

It was just the way this anonymous comment was worded

Was really nasty and scathing 

I don't know if this person is a regular reader

Or someone who just stumbled across my blog

It doesn't matter 

But I feel they were having a go at me because they saw an opportunity to bring someone down a peg or two 

And of course 

I am human 

My feelings get hurt 

I think it's pretty low to kick someone while they are down 

When they are vulnerable 

They could have made their point a little more delicately I think

Of course

I am not a special little snowflake

I am a big girl 

And I can take a bit of criticism 

It's just that I felt this was an attack 

More than someone offering some constructive criticism 

Look

I am doing my best

Putting my life back together after suffering with many chronic conditions

I do my best to do the right thing

To be a good person 

Not to hurt myself or anyone else 

I ask for help everyday 

To be the best person I can be

The past year has been really tough

As I try and put back together the pieces of my life 

I know I'm not doing everything perfectly

Who is?

I am trying to do the next right thing 

In every area of my life

I don't know if my anonymous commenter will read this 

But if you are 

I would ask you to think before you write/speak

You could have made your point in a very different way 

Instead 

You instigated an argument 

And I didn't know how you felt after it

But I felt pretty rotten

I would even go one step further

And invite you to email me 

To clear things up

As I hate the way they've been left

But maybe you don't even care 

Maybe you've already forgotten and moved on

I on the other hand 

Am probably too sensitive

And let things like this get to me

I'm just trying to live my life the best way I know how

I am not doing anything to provoke or hurt anyone else 

I am not a bad person 

At least I don't think I am

I really felt attacked yesterday 

And felt like this person questioned me and my whole life

I just want to live my life 

Be a good person 

Do the right thing 

And lay my head down at night

Knowing that today

I did my very best 

Everyone makes mistakes 

It's human nature 

But those mistakes shouldn't be used against us

Again and again

We should be allowed to make the mistake 

Learn

And move on

We can't be tried for our mistakes over and over again

That's just not fair or right

As regards my driving test

Al least now I know what I need to work on

And I know what to expect 

I will take the time to revise and learn and practise everything I need to

And apply to do it again soon

To those of you who left lovely comments  and texts 

Thank you 

As ever 

You are there for me

And I am eternally grateful 

Response

 feel I need to respond to the comments that were left on my last post

Yes I do drive

I have a learner permit 

Which means I can drive accompanied

Which I always do

Although I do admit

There have been times when I drove solo

But I try to avoid that as much as possible

And of course I am insured

I am not breaking any law by driving my car with an appropriate adult

So to the person who called me 'selfish'

I am doing nothing wrong by driving my car with someone who has a full license

So please 

And feel bad enough as it is today

You can not make me feel any worse

I have been driving for a few years now

And have never done anything that is illegal

When I drive

Either my mum 

My sister or my dad are with me

So to you anonymous 

Who accused me of being 'incredibly selfish'

And of driving illegally

You don't know me

You don't know who I drive with

And what rules I do and don't break

I am fully insured on my car

So if I was to have an accident 

Normal rules apply

I just think it's really sad that you would attack someone when they are already feeling down

You don't know me 

So please 

Get your facts straight before throwing accusations around 

Driving Test

I My preparation for my test has been extremely rushed

Even though I've been driving for quite a while

There are still things I need to brush up on

At the moment I have a learners permit

And have managed to dodge my test thus far 

But 

I've procrastinated for too long now

It was time to do it

Yesterday 

I had a two hour lesson

Which went well

But man, there were many things that I did not know

Like this constant mirror, signal, mirror checking 

I mean

Of course I check my mirrors

But not as obsessive as I was being told to

We also practised the manoeuvres 

The three point turn

Which I was ok at 

And the reversing around a corner

Which I struggled with 

My teacher said that was my weak point

Another thing I was really worried about

Was the fact that I had to drive in to the car park for the test

And reverse in to the car parking space 

I practised it a bit this morning 

And it was pretty hit and miss

Ay ay ay

I just couldn't wait until it was all over

I can't tell you how nervous about I was this morning

And I was afraid to take any of my meds 

In case they made me drowsy

So driving down to the test centre

I could almost feel myself going in to withdrawal

But that might have been in my imagination

The test centre is about an hour from my house

In a town that I don't know very well

And only really drove around for the first time yesterday

I picked this town as it's the quietest town near to me

The lesson yesterday was really cutting it fine

The instructor tried to squash everything in tithe two hours

But it was nigh on impossible

Too much information

Too much to remember in such a short space of time

I got back from my lesson yesterday

Got straight in to my pyjamas

And rested for the evening

Then this morning

I got up early 

And my sister came out with me to practise

I practised reversing in to a space

It was hit and miss at best 

The other manoeuvre I would be asked to do was reversing around a corner

I do that every day to leave my house 

But this was on the other side

And it just confused me

I was beyond nervous and anxious this morning 

I just could not wait for it to be over 

The test was at 12 45pm

So my mother and I set off at about 11 30am

We were driving through one of the villages

I had just rounded a corner

When a woman in a brand new big f**k off car

Pulled out in front me

Without indicating 

And without looking

I had to swerve across the road

And thank God there was nothing coming on the other side

I was so shocked I had to pull in for a second

The woman drove by me

And I gave her a filthy look

But she seemed oblivious to what she had just done 

An hour later 

And we arrived at the test centre

Now I had to reverse in to a space

The car park was tiny 

And there really was only one space I could go for 

It took me three attempts 

And it on my second attempt

Someone walked in to the car park that o recognised

I knew the face 

But I couldn't place them

Then it came to me

It was my sisters ex-fiancé 

The one who messed her around 

And who my entire family hate

I hadn't seen this guy in years 

Typical that I would run in to him on the day of my driving test

He saw us 

And quickly looked away

Another filthy look was in order

Then I promptly reversed in to a sign 

Eventually

I managed to get the car between the lines

In a somewhat straight position

I felt shook after my two incidences

But I persevered

My mum went for a cup of coffee after wishing me luck

And I headed in to the test centre

I sat waiting for about five minutes

Hoping that I wouldn't run in to ex-fiancé again

I didn't

And soon I heard my name called

A short stout mam in his fifties ushered me in to a room

He introduced himself 

Explained what was going to happen

He asked for my permit

Which I had stupidly left in my car

So I had to run out to get it

Bad start right there

And the test began

First 

He asked me some rules of the road 

Some I knew

Some I didn't 

Some I blatantly guessed

Then it was out to my car

He checked all my paperwork was in order

Checked my lights 

Asked me to pop the hood

Which I only learned how to do yesterday 

He asked me various questions about where the oil goes etc

I managed that part ok

Then it was time to drive

I started the car

But my nerves were getting the better of me

And I hit the curb on the way out 

You guys 

I failed before I even got out of the car park! 

I could help but curse

'Shite' I said

'Is that it?' I asked  him

'The test isn't over yet' he replied 

So I kept going

And tried to be positive

As I said 

I don't know this town at all

There were many roundabouts 

A one way system

And I was generally very confused a lot of the time 

I remembered to use my mirrors

And check my blind spots 

But there were so many things I neglected to do 

Or didn't know how to do

I just wasn't sure of myself 

Or what I was doing 

I need a lot more practise

My car is an automatic

So there are only two pedals

Brake and accelelorator

No clutch

Usually I use both feet to use the pedals 

But the tester told me that I was doing it wrong 

And only to use my right foot

This completely threw me

As I tried to remember the correct way to do it

I tried my best

Then it was time to do the reverse around the corner

That went shockingly bad

And I hit the curb again

I just wanted to cry at that point

I felt like such a loser 

Next was the three point turn

Now this something that I can actually do

And it went pretty smoothly 

After about 40 minutes

The tester directed me back to the t St centre

I turned off my car 

And he invited me inside

I sat on the blue chair and sighed

'I don't have good news for you' he said

'I know' I replied 

So that was it 

I failed 

But then 

I already knew that 

He mentioned the pedals again

He said strictly he should have cancelled the test because I was using both feet

But he saw I was making an effort 

So he gave me a chance

He told me what else I need to brush up on

And there is a lot

He also said to get a few lessons 

And get to know the test town

Both of which I will do

So thats it guys 

I didn't pass

But I'm not too upset

I knew I hadn't had enough practise and preparation

I will apply for it again soon

And get back behind the steering wheel

I did my best

And it was good experience 

Hopefully next time will go better 

I am so tired now

It's only 3pm

But when I get home

I am getting straight in to my pyjamas 

Taking my meds

And relaxing for the evening 

I mean

I know I'm not a horrible driver

There are just at things I need to brush up on 

And I will 

Just not today