Meds

I'm all off schedule this morning

I arrived in to the doctors this morning

To find that I had both my doctors appointment and Breda at the same time 

9 30am

I checked in 

And went and sat outside my doctors office

Then Breda came and I had to explain to her that I couldn't see her

So now I won't get to see her until November 2nd

I can't lie 

Part of me is glad I won't see her until then

She asked me how things are going 

I said good more or less

She asked what that meant 

I replied that there are things I could work on

Which there always are 

We left it at that 

And I went to see my doctor

He was pretty full this morning 

So I had a bit of a wait

Eventually I was called in 

My doctor talked about his printer for about five minutes 

Which I thought was amusing 

Then he got down to the nitty gritty

Two weeks ago 

He said he would reduce the methadone today 

He brought up the subject again this morning 

I played dumb

And said I couldn't remember him saying that 

He smiled 

And said 'We'll go down two mls'

I didn't have the energy to argue

So down I went 

Just then 

My doctor got a phone call

He answered

And asked me to step outside for a minute 

Which I did 

While I was out there 

A lady with the most beautiful baby girl sat down beside me 

I could take my eyes off the baby

He name was Cassidy

She just looked so snug and content 

And I wished I could swap places with her 

So all I would have to worry about is eating and sleeping 

Anyway 

After a couple of minutes 

My doctor called me back in 

He told me that it was one of the prisons on the phone 

Trying to get a psychiatrist to see one of the prisoners 

He mentioned the name of the prison

Castlerea

Straight away I had a flash back

Of me going in to the visiting room of the prison

With a mouth full of drugs 

Passing it to my boyfriend in a kiss

Then 

Going to the prison with my boyfriends uncle

Who was in a wheel chair 

Smoking weed in the car on the way there 

Then me getting so nervous that I let go of the wheel chair 

And the man fell out on to the ground 

Talk about drawing attention to yourself 

Needless to say 

I didn't mention any of this to my doctor 

I think he thinks I wasn't that bad on drugs

Little does he know....

Back to Breda

The reason I'm not thrilled about going to see her 

Is because of my meds 

In that I am still not taking them properly 

I misuse then 4 - 5 days out of 7

And now they my mother is around more

She is seeing how bad the situation really is 

Before

When she was working 

She was gone four days 

But now she is here all the time

She is starting to notice that all is not rosy in the recovery garden

So this is why I don't want to speak to Breda 

Because I won't be able to lie to her

And if I tell her

There is every possibility she will tell my doctor 

And I'm afraid my meds will be stopped

I know I've told my doctor before 

And what he usually does is have me go in to the pharmacy every day

But they never lasts 

And I go back to my old ways 

The thing is 

I'm not sure if I want to sort out the meds situation 

I mean 

I have it cushy right now

I get to have my escape 

With little consequence

Isn't that every addicts dream?

But at the same time 

I do want to live my life 

I want to work at the dog shelter 

I want to be free of my addictions 

But it's just so damn hard to live in reality 

Why? 

I don't know 

I just get so anxious

So bored 

So nervous 

So sad 

Sometimes I just can't stand being in my own head 

The negative thoughts going around my head in a never ending loop

Sometimes I just want out 

I was watching the last series of Teen Mom 2 yesterday 

Have you seen it?

I was watching it because of one of the girls has a prescription pill addiction

Leah is her name 

She has three kids 

All under 6

One with a disability 

And she is on her second divorce 

She is 23 years old

Anyone with eyes in their head

Can see that Leah is crumbling under the weight of her issues

But she is in complete denial

An addict can always spot an addict

I can see it in her eyes 

The pinned pupils 

The dark rings under her eyes 

The unkempt appearance 

The nodding off

And talking nonsense 

Leah was prescribed various painkillers and anti anxiety meds by her doctor 

And has obviously become addicted 

Shame on get doctor 

He should be struck off 

I watched the show hoping and praying the Leah would get help

It broke my heart to see her suffering so much 

She was a woman on the edge 

And I could tell if something didn't happen soon 

She might not make it

Towards the end of the show 

Leah had contacted a treatment centre 

And when the show finished 

She was planning to go

During the ads of the show 

It showed Lea as she is now 

And she looks great 

She's put some weight on her tiny frame 

The spark is back in her eyes

And her voice sounded animated 

I hope that Leah stays well

For her sake

And for those three children

As shocking as it was watching Leah's story 

It is all too common

Especially is the U.S. 

Where doctors seem to hand out strong prescription meds like smarties

Those doctors have a responsibility to their patients 

They took an oath to first do no harm

It makes my blood boil that Leah's doctor continued to prescribe her these meds 

Given the state she was in

But I have to admit 

I can relate to Leah 

The feeling of wanting to escape 

The feeling of not being able to cope with life 

Taking pills to check off the planet 

In a lot of ways I am just like Leah

But she is dealing with some pretty heavy stuff 

I guess I am too 

In my own way 

But my life is a lot more comfortable than hers 

That is for sure 

I don't know guys 

I guess I am trying g to have my cake and eat it too

But do I really want to spend my life drifting in and out of consciousness ?

Do I really want to throw my life away?

Do ideally want to miss out on the best years of my life?

The answer is 

That I don't know

I do know that I look forward to days that is abuse my meds 

And the days that I don't 

Are endless and tedious 

I know that that's life 

Life can be boring 

Monotonous

Repetitive 

I know I need to fill my days with things I love to do 

And find an occupation 

I am starting in the dog shelter in Wednesday 

And I am really hoping that it fills a void 

And I find my niche 

I got Lea and Honey microchipped last week 

My babies are now legit!

As microchipping is mandatory from next year on 

I love animals 

And feel a real affinity with them 

So I am going to throw myself in to the work 

And hope I can help myself and the dogs 

I know that I've brought up the topic of my meds before 

I feel I need to be honest about them 

And let you know that everything is my life is not on track

I know that's the nature of addiction

But I don't like to lie to people 

And I think when I see Breda in two weeks 

I am going to have to tell her what is happening 

Because how can the precessional sheep me if they don't know what is going on?

I don't know guys 

Watched this space I guess....

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

I know a lot of you ladies are on prescription meds 

And I'm wondering how that works for you

Do you take your meds as prescribed?

Do you overtake them ever?

Or stockpile them for a rainy day?

When do you think it becomes a problem?

If you see me what would you do?

Answers on a postcard please...

Recipe: Beef Goulash

When I was on holidays

I had the most delicious beef goulash 

In a little town called Selcuk

The food in Turkey had been hit or miss for me

And the beef goulash was by far my favourite meal while we were away

So since coming home 

I've been searching for a good recipe to follow 

And yesterday I found one 

On the BBC Good Food site 

So I thought I would make it today 

And share me recipe with you 

All the while wearing the beautiful apron that the lovely Bella handmade for me

Any excuse to wear it

Ingredients:

Olive oil - 2 tbsp

1 pound stewing steak

30g flour 

2 onions 

2 carrots

Celery

3 cloves garlic 

Green pepper

Red pepper

2 tbsp tomato purée 

2 tbsp paprika

Tin of tomatoes

75mls White wine

I pint beef stock 

I was also excited to use my measuring spoons and cups 

Method:

Add your olive oil to the pot 1 - tbsp

Cover your steak in the flour and brown well in batches being careful not to over crowd the pot

Set the browned meat aside

Add the rest of the olive oil

Also add the onion, garlic, celery, carrot and peppers 

Fry until softened for about 5mins

Return the beef to the pot

Add the tomato purée and paprika

Cook and stir for two minutes 

Then add the tin of tomatoes

Next, add the white wine and beef stock

Cover and bake in the oven for 90mins

Alternatively cover and cook on the job on a gentle heat for an hour, removing their after 45mins

Season with salt and pepper

 

Happy cooking!!!

Me

I'm aware that I haven't posted a photo of myself in a while

And if I have 

It's only been a head shot

I guess I have been self conscious about the way I look 

In my new scaffolding

I mean underwear

All the new curves and shapes 

Lumps and bumps 

So here I am 

Ruby 

Im not perfect 

I have too many flaws to count 

But this body is the only one I've got 

So I'm going to keep it

Like I had a choice anyway 

I am Ruby

I am a 34 year old woman

I have a past 

Like everyone does 

But I'm trying to make the most of my life 

And live in the here and now 

I am Ruby 

I've made many mistakes in my life 

But I've learnt from them 

And try not to repeat them 

I am Ruby

I am a good person 

I didn't always believe this 

But now I starting to believe that I am 

I am Ruby 

I am in recovery 

From addiction and disordered eating 

I am Ruby 

Here I am 

In this life...

Recently 

A strange feeling has come upon me

It has sneaked up on me 

Like a fox in the night 

I wasn't sure what it was at first

It felt so strange 

So foreign

Like nothing I have ever experienced before

It's only today

This morning in fact

That I realised what it is

It's happiness

At least I think it is

For the longest time 

I was so very numb

Between my ED and my addiction 

Happiness was not something that I experienced very much 

From the age of 13

I had been in trouble

In school 

Then after I left school 

My life began to implode 

I honestly don't think that up until this point

I had ever experienced happiness

Or anything approaching happiness

Contentment 

Satisfaction 

They were all foreign concepts to me

My twenties were a right off

Up until the age of 25 I was addicted to drugs 

And my ED was always there 

In the back ground 

I swear I went for years without laughing 

Or even smiling 

But recently 

I find myself laughing more and more

I firmly believe that laughter is good for the soul 

There is nothing better than a good belly laugh 

Nothing 

Over the last 15 months 

My life has turned around to the point that I don't even recognise it

And my families lives 

When I got ill

My whole family became ill

We were in such a bad way for years 

It is such a relief to have finally come out the other side 

There was a point in time 

When four out of the six members of my family were in active addiction

It was nothing short of a living nightmare 

Thinking back 

I'm not quite sure how we got through it 

I'm not sure how my mother stayed sane

It was utter chaos and devastation

But one by one 

We all got clean and sober 

And now we all have a good bit of recovery time behind us 

We've all done it in different ways

We have found what works for us 

As my mother often says 

Given what this family has been through 

We are not doing too badly at all

I haven't felt happiness in so long 

That I'm not even sure what it feels like

All I know is that I feel good 

I dont want to hurt or kill myself 

So that is a start 

I don't want to be anyone else

I am content to be me

I feel ok in my skin 

I don't want to be bigger or smaller

I don't crave an emaciated body 

I don't measure my worth in pounds and ounces

In fact I don't weigh at all

I measure my happiness and self worth by my actions 

By looking after myself

And my dogs 

By being a good person

And doing the right thing 

Most of the time 

I spent much of my life 

Looking at other girls 

And wishing I head their hair, legs, tan, shoes....

I put together the perfect body 

Using body parts from different girls 

I hated my own body

Hated my face

I was convinced that I was butt ugly 

And there was nothing I could do to improve my looks

And my body 

I hated it also 

I hated that I wasnt taller 

Leaner 

That my legs had no shape 

And my feet were deformed 

But now 

Now I see things a bit differently 

Yes

I have inherited my mothers hammer toe and bunions

But it could be so much worse 

They are things that I can deal with

And yes I am short at 5'4

But that's ok 

I'm of an average weight 

Yes 

I will never have a supermodel body 

But that's ok too

I remember when I was in treatment 

I was told that I had a petite hour glass shape 

That is not too shabby 

And better than a kick in the face 

Yes I have days when I literally want to die because I feel I have no redeeming features

I have days when I try on my whole wardrobe

And still can find nothing to wear 

I have my bad days 

Days when I just want to lie on the floor and scream and cry because my favourite jeans no longer fit me

The point is 

That most days are ok

Most days are good 

Most days I can leave the house feeling ok in my skin 

And that 

I can deal with

So much has happened in the last year

I regained weight to a healthy range 

I gave up smoking 

And 14 months later

Continue to be a non smoker

I decreased my purging by a huge amount

But the real changes 

The vital changes

Are the ones that have happened in my mind 

My thinking 

My beliefs 

And though process has dramatically changed 

I have come to realise that I can deal with life without relying on drugs or my ED

I've come to see that I am not a bad person 

And that for me is one of the biggest and best realisations 

Not only am I not a bad person

I am actually a good person

I am just a girl 

Who wants to live her life the best she can 

I want to live in my community

Quietly and harmoniously 

I want to look after my dogs

Walk then 

Feed them 

Love them

I want to be a productive member of society

I want to be valued 

And known as a reliable and good person

I have also come to realise 

That I am hugely blessed

I have a strong family around me

Who have carried me through my recovery on a wave of love and support 

My Mother 

Who continues to be my biggest cheerleader 

Is my rock 

My backbone

Over the years 

She has literally picked me up many times 

And have me a reason to keep going

I have siblings

And being the youngest of four 

I am forever treated as the baby 

I am so lucky to have had such amazing people in my life 

Family 

Friends 

Sponsors 

Mentors 

They have all been there exactly when I needed them

I am lucky that I come from a middle class family 

And have never struggled for money 

That is huge 

As it means that I never went without 

Even when times were tough 

Now

In my thirties 

It feels like I am finally figuring things out

Heck I got measured for my first bra at the grand ol' age of 34

And we all know what a revelation that was

My twenties were a blur of drugs and alcohol and starvation

My thirties feel clear and steady and mature 

So yes

I think I might be happy

My family are all in a good place 

My sister came home from Australia 

Which was amazing

She was sorely missed

And it's so good to have her home 

My health is good 

My mental health is good 

I feel part of things 

I am an active member of our community here

And this community means so much to me

You ladies 

Who have been staunch supporters of mine

I can never express the love and gratitude I feel for you amazing ladies

You have been with me every step of the way over the last 3 and a half years

This blog has saved my life 

And my sanity 

Over and over again

I am so honoured to be part of our little community 

I have met the most wonderful people through my blog 

People who I now call friends 

I hope I can maintain this feeling

I feel so positive about my life at the moment

Yes I am not perfect 

And there is still a lot of work to be done 

But right here

Right now 

I feel content 

I feel happy 

I feel ok to be me 

Because I am doing my best to be a good person 

And that is enough for me  

It's taken me a long long time 

But I finally feel like I know what I am doing 

Where I am going 

And what I want out of life 

I feel happy to be alive 

And that my friends 

Is a miracle 

Much ado about boobs....

Yes

This is another post about boobs

And the fact that I have newly acquired a set of 34 D boobs

Well

I guess I've had them all the time 

I just didn't know that I had them

I looked at the bra that I was wearing yesterday before I was measured

You guys

It was 32 B

I was squeezing my ample bosom in to a teeny tiny bra

No wonder when I looked at the holiday photos

My boobage was all over the place 

Spilling out of the top and sides of my clothes

People 

I was in denial about my chest 

In my head I had nice petite bosom

But now I know the truth 

That I have  massive boobs!

I am slowly but surely coming to terms with the size of my chest 

I have to 

They are out there front and centre for everyone to see

There is no denying them now

I have taken out my new bras many times since yesterday 

And looked at them in disbelief 

They are a thing of wonder 

I swear you could fit a basketball in each cup

It could swaddle a small child 

It could hold two adult sized heads 

I shit you not

I have tried many times to get a photo 

But 

Photos just don't do it justice

I did think about posting a photo of me just in my bra 

But after consulting with my mother 

We decided that it might attract an unsavoury element to my blog

So that was a no go 

But all joking aside 

It's quite the traumatic event getting measured for a bra having gained weight 

Growing up 

I was pretty flat chested 

In to my twenties I was a 32 B

Blooming to a 34 D is a relatively new phenomenon 

But I guess it's partly to do with my age also 

I am 34 

I am a grown woman 

Even though Most of the time I am in denial about that 

My body has changed in the last few years 

I used to be so straight up and down 

No curves 

No shapes 

Now?

Well I have curves and shape to spare 

And I am becoming ok with that 

I've lost and gained so much weight over the years 

My body probably doesn't know what is happening 

And is trying to hold on to weight for dear life

I know I wrote about it yesterday 

But I was in genuine shock when the sales lady had me try on a 34 D

I thought she was just trying to figure out what size I was 

And then when it fit perfectly!

Well

I was in disbelief 

And you guys 

Not even only is my second bra a 32 D

It's a 32 DD!

I was too embarrassed to say yesterday 

But she actually said I was between a D and a DD

Jesus H Christ ladies!

What is happening to me?

I swear I don't recognise myself anymore

I think I am becoming 

Dare I say it 

Plus size

I feel like I have gone beyond the realm of  a normal healthy weight

And am tipping in to plus size 

Now I could be completely wrong about that 

I mean 

I am a UK size 10

So technically 

I am still of a normal healthy weight

But you guys 

I feel like there is so much of me at the moment 

That I can barely contain myself 

It's scary 

It's exciting 

It's terrifying 

It's thrilling 

It's so many emotions and feelings 

One of the great things about my bra now fitting correctly 

Is that it gives my body a nice shape 

I look in proportion

My waist looks smaller in comparison to my chest 

And I just look a bit more balanced

So that's nice

Now I just need the confidence to rock my new look!

I just asked my Mum if she thinks I am plus size 

She clicked her tongue and laughed 

So maybe I am wrong about that one 

I'm just trying to make myself feel a little better about this situation

I am aware that there are people reading this 

Who are still in the midst of their illness

Still suffering 

Still underweight 

And can't even contemplate allowing themselves to gain weight

I know that what I'm writing about here today is something that you might even greatly fear

And just can't let yourself go to that place 

I know because I was you 

I was in that place

When I was sick and underweight 

Allowing myself to gain weight was just out of the question

I couldn't comprehend it

It was something that terrified me 

To the point that I went to drastic measures to keep my weight low

I over exercised

I purged a stupid amount every day

I used laxatives and enemas 

I ate and allowed my body to consume precious little

Weight gain was my biggest fear

I can remember being in treatment 

I couldn't let go of the control

Couldn't eat and keep it down 

Wouldn't let my body absorb the calories it so desperately needed

At that time 

In my mind 

There was nothing worse that gaining weight 

It was inconceivable 

I couldn't get my head around it 

But then 

As you know 

About last April

I began to regain weight

In a lot of ways 

My recovery has happened in spite of me 

In a lot of ways 

It feels like I was carried along on a wave of love and support

And weight gain and recovery happened to me 

Rather than something I actively participated in

I know that sounds strange

But that's the way it feels

And I know that is probably the exception  rather than the norm 

But what I want to tell you

And you know I would never lie to you 

That weight gain hasn't been the horrid thing that I thought it would be

Of course 

As first 

It was traumatic 

And for me it happened very quickly 

Faster than I could process it

I can vividly remember the first time I noticed weight gain

I was still very under weight

But I was in the shower one night 

And I noticed that my tummy felt bigger 

I got out of the shower 

And proceeded to weigh myself 

I had gained a couple of kilos 

And I just wanted to die 

That was probably my lowest moment in regard to weight regain

After that 

It got easier 

I saw the benefits that came along with weight gain 

And I realised that I would rather be healthy and happy 

Rather than underweight and miserable 

Yes 

There is a feeling of satisfaction knowing that you are thin

But if you are utterly miserable 

Is it really worth it?

I really don't think so

Of course 

I realise that when I was ill

So many people told me these exact words 

That recovery is worth it

And I just had to take a leap of faith

So many people 

My family 

My friends

The professionals 

Told me to take a chance 

And I would reap the rewards 

But I know it's no good being told this 

You have to experience it for yourself 

Because I didn't believe those people 

Didn't want to believe them 

I was so stuck in a rut 

So disordered

And my thinking was so warped 

You don't think straight when you are malnourished

It's harder to make sense of things

Now that I am out the other side of my ED 

I feel it my duty and obligation

To tell you that there is life beyond ED

And addiction

I am more cautious to talk about addiction

As I still struggle with this 

Regarding my meds 

But with my ED?

My life is unrecognisable 

I feel one million times better 

I look very different 

I am a different person 

And I need you to know that it is possible for you too 

It's essential thdt you don't give up hope 

That you keep fighting for a better life

And a better future

Because there is a second chance for all of us 

If you are like me 

You might think that it is too late for you

But it's never too late 

Never 

I  am 35 years old

And it's only now that I am figuring things out 

And I am a slow learner 

My twenties were really tough 

A lot of people's twenties are

It's a time when we are trying to figure out who we are 

And what we are about 

Often we make a lot of silly choices and mistakes during this time 

God knows I sure did 

But now that I have reached my thirties 

I am a bit more sure of myself 

A bit more settled

And it's such a relief 

Such a good feeling to be finally figuring things out

Because for so long 

I was so lost 

So afraid 

So lonely 

But now 

Now things are coming together for me

And I am so grateful for that 

So please 

If you do one thing today 

Allow yourself to believe that there is a better life for you

There is life after anorexia/bulimia 

There is hope 

There is faith

There is a second chance for you

I know because it happened to me 

I fell as low as you can go

But I stand here before you today

Stronger than ever

If I can help just one person with my blog

And my experience 

Then my path and my experience 

has been worth it 

So please 

Today 

Give yourself a break

Give yourself the best gift of all

The gift of recovery and life 

Because you are worth it 

We all are

Now 

Back to boobs 

Here is a photo of one of my new bras 

You see?

It's mahoosive!!!

34 D

People

I have no words

Well actually I do 

But more like letters and numbers

Today I did something that I've been meaning to do since I was in my teens

Get fitted properly for a bra

Yes

I have stumbled through life thus far in ill fitting cheap bras 

And sports bras

Never in my life have I known what size I am 

Until today

My Mum was going in to her book club in town

So I decided to tag along 

And go and get fitted for said bra

But not before I got totally sidelined by the fluffy pyjamas and slippers in Dunnes

I just couldn't resist 

Then 

After I was €40 lighter

I headed to the bra shop

I guess I had preconceived notions of what a lingerie shop would be like 

The one in our town is in a department store 

I pictured little old ladies

With bad eye sight 

And measuring tapes 

But actually what I got was young polish girl 

I say girl

She was probably in her forties 

And boy did she know her stuff 

I had a budget of €50

And was hoping to get two bras for that

First

We went to the dressing room

Where she measured me

She wasn't entirely sure what size I was 

So she gave me a couple to try on

I looked at the size of the first one

34 D

I laughed at this point 

But she insisted I try it on 

And you know what?

It fit like a dream

OM freakin' G

I actually am a 34 D 

I was beyond shocked 

She told me to put my top back on over the bra to see how it looked

And holy shit!

Having my boobs in the right place totally changed my shape 

You guys

This is a revelation of epic proportions!

You see 

When I was looking at photos of our holiday 

I noticed that my boobs were a law unto themselves 

The only bras I had were ones that are comfortable 

But with absolutely no support whatsoever 

I swear they were all over the shop

Hanging down towards my knees in some photos

And in others 

Had disappeared under my arms 

It was very clear to me when I saw these photos 

That something had to be done about the boobage situation

I had to get it under control

So after I tried on the first bra

I was sold 

It cost €29

So I was on budget 

Next Nice Polish Lady had me try on some that were in the sale

She actually found one that fit me that was in the sale for €10

I was beyond impressed with my new Polish friend 

So 

I came away €39 lighter

But with two new best friends

Three if you count my Polish friend

I left that shop feeling like a million bucks 

If a bit shocked still at my size

But you guys

It's only now 

In my thirties 

That I am finally figuring all this stuff out 

Who knew that a correctly fitting bra could change my life so much?

Not me 

That's for sure 

I can't wait to wear my new bras 

I'm going to march around 

Proudly displaying my 34 Ds

I still can't believe I am that size 

But you've got to work with what you've got 

And I for one 

Left that shop today 

Feeling like I had just had a boob job

It's such a turn around from yesterday

When I was feeling so ugly and non descript

Today I feel like I have actively done something 

To accentuate my new shape

My new body 

And my new boobs!!

So 

On to the photos 

I am not brave enough to show you pics of me in my bra

But I will show you the difference the new bra makes to my shape 

Here goes... 

Edit: Photos do not do it justice

If I can get better ones I will post them

'Damn Unpretty'

I'm in the mood to complain 

So please bear with me 

 I'm  struggling a lot at the moment

With my appearance 

My weight

My shape 

My face 

My hair 

Everything

I just feel really ugly 

Fat

Monstrous 

Gigantic 

I feel like I have no redeeming features at the moment

My face is pale and puffy

My hair is grey, limp and lifeless

My scalp has been attacked by a bout of psoriasis 

Meaning it looks like it's snowing from my head

And the medication for it makes my hair horribly greasy 

I've stopped tanning

So my colour is rapidly fading 

So all in all

I feel like a big fat heffalump

Trying to find something to wear of a morning

Is becoming increasingly difficult and stressful

I try on item after item

And I feel like it just doesn't suit me

Doesn't fit me properly 

Or it makes me look fat

I just can't seem to win these days

I know looks aren't everything

I know that what counts is on the inside 

But when you feel so ugly

That Is of little consulation 

I accepted a long time ago

That I would never be one of the beautiful ones

At my best 

In good lighting 

And with a good dollop of make up

I am something approaching pretty

In a kind of girl next door kind of way

But beautiful?

No 

That was never me 

And I've accepted that I never will be 

And that's ok

It just means I've had to develop a personality 

And often that can take you further than beauty 

I am not 

And have never been a girly girl

I've always been something of a Tomboy

I didn't play with dolls growing up

I didn't covet pretty dresses 

I preferred to play in the fields around our house 

Yes, I did ballet

But our teacher was never conventional 

And we did all sorts of dancing 

Not just your  tu-tu type of dancing 

I've also always been slim

Being a competitive swimmer and dancer 

I was always pin thin

Even though at the time I thought my thighs were huge

I look back on photos 

And I see I was wonderfully petite 

It's a pity I couldn't enjoy it at the time 

I can remember when I gave up dancing 

I had heard that when you stopped dancing 

Your muscles turned to fat 

And was even told it had happened to a certain girl 

I was terrified 

And it was part of the reason I started smoking 

To control my weight 

Thinking back

I can see that I was weight and shape conscious from an early age 

Being in ballet attire 

And a swimming suit a lot of the time

My body was on show

And I was very aware of that 

I can remember my ballet teacher told me once 

That I was becoming too thin

And losing too much weight 

I can remember being secretly pleased 

Of course I didn't really need to worry about my weight when I was so active 

I trained before school

After school 

Then ballet 

The gym 

Running 

I was always on the go 

But even when I gave up all the activity 

I still remained slim

It wasn't until I left home 

That I put on a few pounds 

But no where near over weight 

I remember I was eating a breakfast roll for lunch 

And pasta for dinner everyday 

With no exercise 

So I did become a little round and rotund 

But again 

I lost it as quickly as I put it on

Then came the drug years 

I literally ate nothing at this time 

And the weight fell off me 

I really looked like a typical drug addict 

Under weight 

Pale 

Huge black eyes 

Sunken cheeks 

And a haunted look on my face 

At the time 

I had no idea that I was so thin

But I do remember that not eating made me feel good

So in reality 

I think my ED started probably a lot sooner than the age I thought it did

I always say that it started when I was 19

But if I am honest 

It started a lot earlier than that

At least the thinking and the behaviours did 

My teenage years laid the ground work for a very serious ED

Since the age of 19

My weight has fluctuated wildly

Even to this day 

My weight changes on a daily basis 

Over the years 

My BMI has gone from 13 to 23 

And back again 

Over and over 

I have no idea what my weight is now

As I just can't bring myself to weigh

I did lose some weight on holidays 

But it seems that I have quickly put it back on

And then some 

I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin at the moment 

I'm constantly changing and adjusting my clothes 

And buying new clothes

In an attempt to make myself feel better

But of course 

That is just another addiction

An item of clothing can't mend the way I am feeling 

I know I need to work from the inside out

I need to like 

And love myself as a person

Before I like the outside 

I'm doing my best to be a good person 

To do the right thing

And to be the best person I can be 

But it's hard to feel good  when you can't look at yourself in the mirror without cringing 

And feeling so horribly grotesque 

I compare aswell

I look at other girls 

They seem so together 

So confident and cool

And I just feel like a bumbling, awkward 34 year old 

Who neither feels or looks her age 

I still feel like a gangly teenager

Who has not quite grown in to their face or body 

I can't remember the last time I felt pretty  

I know it was a long time ago 

I've looked back over the photos of Turkey

And I've had to delete so so many 

And leave the ones that I can just about tolerate 

I'm tired of hating myself 

I just don't have the energy anymore

I'm not asking for much 

I don't want to be a supermodel 

Or skinny 

I just want to feel ok to be me 

I want to be able to put on an outfit in the morning 

Look in the mirror 

And feel content with what I see

I don't want to try on every item in my wardrobe 

And still not be able to find something that makes me look nice 

Of a day 

I might change my clothes 3 or 4 times 

Constantly looking through my clothes 

To see if they fit 

If they look ok 

It's exhausting 

I don't want to hate on myself anymore

It's very hard to be in recovery 

And feel so awful about myself 

I'm supposed to feel good now that I am recovering 

I'm supposed to accept and like my body a lot more 

But I don't

So where do I go from here?

Well

I guess 

I acknowledge that my appearance is only a very small part of me

I

Ruby 

Am a whole person 

My weight and appearance are just the shell that incases who I really am

But even still

It's important for me to feel comfortable in my own skin 

To feel like I present well

And look the best that I can

It's tough at the moment 

As I look in the mirror 

And I hate what I see 

Hate is a strong word 

But it's appropriate in this instance 

I hate the way I look 

I'm hoping that this is a phase 

A bump in the road that is recovery 

I know us ED girls struggle a lot with these things 

Especially in recovery 

When our bodies are changing so much 

I'm not going to let these feeling get the better of me 

I will continue to fight against my ED 

And my hatred of myself 

I will carry on with the work I am doing 

With being a good person 

Being a survivor of anorexia and addiction

Really 

I should be glad that I have a body at all

After what I've put it through 

I should be grateful that I am here at all 

And should love every inch of myself 

It doesn't come to me easily though

Hate comes more naturally to me 

I will keep fighting though 

I will keep believing that this will improve 

That my core beliefs about myself will change 

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder 

I wonder any one could find me attractive 

And have all but given up hope that I will find someone to share my life with

But 

I will make the best of my situation

I will make the most of what I've got 

What is the alternative? 

Lie down and give up

No

That's not my style 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you

Do you ever feel this way

Like you can't stand yourself?

Do you struggle with liking the way you look?

Do you find that you measure your worth in the way you look?

How do you deal with this?

Does it effect other areas of your life?

I'd love to know....