Make it Work

I don't have a lot of qualifications when it comes to education and work

I haven't studied beyond high school

I didn't attend college or university 

I don't have any specialists skills 

I have worked in a lot of different jobs

So I guess I do have some experience

Not a lot 

But some 

While most people I know were going to college

Travelling

Acquiring new skills 

I was in the midst of a horrific drug addiction

And following that

Anorexia and bulimia 

In a strange way 

I have mastered in those subjects 

They are topics that I know intimately 

I lived them 

Breathed them

Ate them 

And slept them for over ten years

I could write essays 

Thesis after thesis on these subjects 

And in a way 

I guess I do that everyday 

In writing this blog 

As you know 

I write everyday 

I write everyday for a few reasons 

I like to constantly have something new to write about 

I do it at the same time everyday 

So it gives my day structure and form

It's some thing that keeps me accountable and honest 

As well as that 

I love writing 

And am always thinking about new topics to write about 

I dont always write about addiction and EDs

I write personal posts 

I do photo posts

I review documentaries, books and TV shows 

I write about anything that interests me

And that I think will appeal to my readers

I often get asked to contribute to a website or guest post on a blog

At the moment I have three writing pieces 

In the works 

Which is really exciting 

As I have often said 

I am blown away by what can happen if you put yourself out there

If you are willing to share your story 

In an honest and vulnerable way

Writing my blog is a huge part of my life 

And I don't hold back

I share practically every part of my life here

In the hope that someone else feels the same

Or that someone else might not feel so alone 

It still blows my mind 

When I look at my stats and see people reading from Russia, Lebanon, Norway, China

I only know very few of you who read this blog

And of course there are the core readers and writers

Who form the back bone of this community 

And who I call my best friends 

My sister is always telling me that I should monetise my blog

Either by showing ads 

Or writing an E book

Or publishing a book myself 

There is no doubt 

That I have enough material for book

I have written 942 posts over three years 

Every moment over that time has been documented 

From my illness to recovery 

Every slip and relapse 

Every success and triumph

To read back on it is so amazing 

As as I soon as I have written a post 

I delete it from my mind 

So rereading it

Is like reading it for the first time

I really don't want to include ads in my blog

As I think they disrupt the flow of a blog 

But I would love to write a book

Or fashion my blog in to a book

That would be a dream come true 

Addiction and EDs are subjects that I know

I lived them

And in a lot of ways still live them

I just have this feeling deep down

That my blog 

And my experiences 

Are going to be a huge part of my life

And my work life 

And what you believe you create right?

With all that said 

I was wondering about you

Why do you write?

Would you like to make it your career?

Have you ever been published?

Would you like to be published?

Inquiring minds want to know....

Walkies...

Lea and Honey are now ten years old

In fact Honey is a little older than Lea

Lately I've really noticed their age

We used to do an hours walk no problem

But now Honey struggles to keep up

Especially if we are on a hill

I was out with them yesterday 

Down the back roads behind my house

I stopped to talk to one of the dogs in one of the houses down there

And Lea just panned out on the ground 

So I guess I need to shorten their walks now

In dog years 

They are 70 years old

So they are elderly for dogs

You can see it in Leas face

She looks old 

Honey however

It will take more than old age to stop her

Today

I thought I would share some photos with you of our walk this morning

As you will see 

Lea is loyal to the bitter end 

And never far from my side 

Honey on the other hand 

Will go with anyone who gives her food 

It shows her the slightest bit of affection 

Here they are...

The shame of addiction

First 

I want to thank you all for your comments on my last post

I really appreciate your candour and your honesty

I haven't replied to all the comments yet

But  will get to them today

Thank you all

Monday is always a bit of a Wright off

Having had no meds on Sunday

I usually sleep for a few hours on Monday 

Even if I did take my meds properly 

And didn't abuse them

I always make sure to take care of my dogs before I take my meds 

I get them up 

Let them out 

Bring them for a good long walk

Give them a chewy treat

And then take my meds 

I make sure I'm awake at lunch time to feed them 

But yesterday afternoon my mother woke me up 

To tell me that she thought the dogs were hungry

You can tell when they are hungry as they will bark and dance around your feet

I got up immediately and fed them 

But for me 

That was just unacceptable that I would be asleep while they are hungry

Shame on me 

I take pride in the fact that I am a good responsible dog owner 

But how can I be there for them 100% if I am abusing my meds

And sleeping my life away

After writing yesterday's post

I had a good long think 

And a good long look at myself 

Someone left a comment yesterday

That what I am doing is as bad as being addicted to heroin 

Only these drugs I get for free

This is a valid point

It's the same shit

Different substance

Others suggested that I need to fill my day

And have an occupation

I wholeheartedly agree with this 

And rang the dog shelter this morning

So hopefully I can start there soon

But yes

Yesterday I thought about my actions at the moment 

It must be really difficult for my mother and my sister and my dogs 

To see me out of it 

Nodding off and falling asleep 

Sometimes I see the look in my dogs eyes 

When I make my tea

And head in to the living room 

They look so sad 

Like they want me to stay in the kitchen with them 

But for the last while 

My meds have been the priority 

And that has to change 

I claim to be in recovery 

I claim to be turning my life around

That applies to all areas of my life

Not just my ED

I know I need to address this meds problem 

If I really want to be in recovery 

Not being there for my dogs is unacceptable to me

I rescued Honey and Lea

I've been there for them every day for the last ten years 

They are both elderly now 

And need a little bit of extra care in their old age 

This incident yesterday 

All your comments 

And my mothers and sisters concern

And my own concern

Have all added up to my wanting to make a change 

I have to make a change of I want to  live my life in the best way possible

Taking and overusing my meds is not making me happy

It's not fulfilling my life

It's not making me a better person

It's draining the life out of me

It's making me in to a sleepy, out of it down and out 

I don't want to be that person 

Not at all

One of the reasons I don't drink

Is because when you are drunk

What you say

And what you do 

Is not real

It's fake 

The same can be said for meds

When I am abusing them 

I am not myself 

What I say and do

Is not real

Because I am mood altered 

I am not myself 

So what do I do now that I know I want to make a change?

Some of you suggested that I give responsibility of my meds to a family member

This is a good suggestion

And something that has worked in the past 

However 

I've decided to give myself this week

To see if I can take them properly 

Starting today 

Depending on how this week goes

I will then decide whether to hand them over to a family member or not

History tells me that I am not good at managing my own meds and drugs

I've always been a greedy addict

If something makes me feel good

I will take it over and over again

No matter what the consequences

Usually 

In addiction

The precursor to change is hitting a rock bottom

That can happen quite quickly when illegal drugs are concerned

I hit many many rock bottoms during my own addiction

Because the drug I used is illegal

Crime is usually involved 

And other shady dealings 

The thing with prescription drugs 

Is that the are legal

My doctor writes me a prescription

I bring said prescription to the pharmacy 

Collect my meds

And it's all above board 

Of course 

I do not take my meds the way I am supposed to 

I take a double dose on some days 

But I think both addictions are the very same 

The only thing that separates them is that one is legal 

And the other is not 

At the moment 

I am having my cake and eating it

I have the luxury of having my addiction

With none of the consequences 

I get to live in a nice house 

In a dry clean bed 

With a roof over my head 

Clothes in my wardrobe 

And food in my fridge 

I could go on like this forever if I wanted to 

But do I want to?

No

I don't think so 

I am of the age 

Where a lot of my friends are getting  married 

Having children 

And pursuing a career

I do t know if I necessarily want that 

But it would be nice to have the option

I definitely want a career

I want to do something I love 

Whether that's working with animals

Or helping others with EDs and addiction

I can't see myself doing anything else 

I don't know if I want children

But I definitely want a partner to share my life with 

None of these jungs are possible if I continue abusing my meds

And maintain my addiction

I guess this issue is a big sign that all is not rosy in my recovery garden 

I am not doing this because I am a happy well adjusted person

I feel an inherent sadness 

I run from these feelings

I don't like these feelings

I accepted a long time ago

They my base level mood 

Is lower than the average person

I feel my feelings intensely 

Like I am hyper sensitive

That can be overwhelming 

Too much for me to handle 

So I cut my feelings off at the source

Because I don't know how else to deal with them 

I've never really developed alternative methods of dealing with my feelings 

I've always bounce from addiction to ED to addiction 

One thing that did help me stay clean and sober is meetings 

History tells me that I tend to do well when I am attending them

And being around others who are in recovery 

So why don't I go?

Well 

History also tells me that when I go to meetings 

I start off well 

And throw myself in to them 

But then 

I get complacent 

Start to skip them here and there 

And then stop going altogether 

And that is a pattern I repeat over and over 

Another reason I don't go 

Is that I don't always feel like part of the crowd 

Like I don't quite fit in

And that is a horrible feeling

I don't know 

Maybe meetings are not for me

Maybe I can do it another way

But then 

Maybe I should give them another shot 

And take it day by day 

One thing is for sure 

I need to do something 

Because time is going by so fast at the moment 

And before I know it 

My life will be over 

I guess my confidence in myself could be improved 

One of the reasons I am reluctant to pursue education or work

Is thstbibam afraid that I am not smart enough 

Not good enough 

Not pretty enough 

Too quiet 

Too shy 

Too introverted 

That the big bad world would chew me up and spit me out

What I would really love to do 

Is help others with eating disorders and addiction

I have absolutely no educational qualifications 

But I am more than qualified in EDs and addiction

And I really feel I could help others 

Because I have been there myself 

My blog is a huge part of my life

And I sincerely hope that my experiences will go some way to helping others 

As you know 

I don't censor my writing 

I share my story warts and all 

The ups and downs 

The highs and lows 

Every drama 

Every set back

Every triumph and success 

Is documented here 

I don't hold back 

Because I want to be real

And authentic

I don't know how to be any other way

So I am going to try 

Starting today 

I am going to try my best to take my meds properly 

And his day next week

I will asess the situation

And see what changes need to be made 

I am lucky 

I have great support 

Both in my real life

And here in my blog

Do with all your help 

I know I can do this 

And more importantly 

I really want to do this 

And that is half the battle 

So today is day 1

I will try my best 

I will find other ways to deal with my feelings 

I will speak to Breda 

And my doctor if I need to 

I have to do this 

For myself 

For my family 

For Honey and Lea

For all of us 

What is the alternative...?

Meds

I'm all off schedule this morning

I arrived in to the doctors this morning

To find that I had both my doctors appointment and Breda at the same time 

9 30am

I checked in 

And went and sat outside my doctors office

Then Breda came and I had to explain to her that I couldn't see her

So now I won't get to see her until November 2nd

I can't lie 

Part of me is glad I won't see her until then

She asked me how things are going 

I said good more or less

She asked what that meant 

I replied that there are things I could work on

Which there always are 

We left it at that 

And I went to see my doctor

He was pretty full this morning 

So I had a bit of a wait

Eventually I was called in 

My doctor talked about his printer for about five minutes 

Which I thought was amusing 

Then he got down to the nitty gritty

Two weeks ago 

He said he would reduce the methadone today 

He brought up the subject again this morning 

I played dumb

And said I couldn't remember him saying that 

He smiled 

And said 'We'll go down two mls'

I didn't have the energy to argue

So down I went 

Just then 

My doctor got a phone call

He answered

And asked me to step outside for a minute 

Which I did 

While I was out there 

A lady with the most beautiful baby girl sat down beside me 

I could take my eyes off the baby

He name was Cassidy

She just looked so snug and content 

And I wished I could swap places with her 

So all I would have to worry about is eating and sleeping 

Anyway 

After a couple of minutes 

My doctor called me back in 

He told me that it was one of the prisons on the phone 

Trying to get a psychiatrist to see one of the prisoners 

He mentioned the name of the prison

Castlerea

Straight away I had a flash back

Of me going in to the visiting room of the prison

With a mouth full of drugs 

Passing it to my boyfriend in a kiss

Then 

Going to the prison with my boyfriends uncle

Who was in a wheel chair 

Smoking weed in the car on the way there 

Then me getting so nervous that I let go of the wheel chair 

And the man fell out on to the ground 

Talk about drawing attention to yourself 

Needless to say 

I didn't mention any of this to my doctor 

I think he thinks I wasn't that bad on drugs

Little does he know....

Back to Breda

The reason I'm not thrilled about going to see her 

Is because of my meds 

In that I am still not taking them properly 

I misuse then 4 - 5 days out of 7

And now they my mother is around more

She is seeing how bad the situation really is 

Before

When she was working 

She was gone four days 

But now she is here all the time

She is starting to notice that all is not rosy in the recovery garden

So this is why I don't want to speak to Breda 

Because I won't be able to lie to her

And if I tell her

There is every possibility she will tell my doctor 

And I'm afraid my meds will be stopped

I know I've told my doctor before 

And what he usually does is have me go in to the pharmacy every day

But they never lasts 

And I go back to my old ways 

The thing is 

I'm not sure if I want to sort out the meds situation 

I mean 

I have it cushy right now

I get to have my escape 

With little consequence

Isn't that every addicts dream?

But at the same time 

I do want to live my life 

I want to work at the dog shelter 

I want to be free of my addictions 

But it's just so damn hard to live in reality 

Why? 

I don't know 

I just get so anxious

So bored 

So nervous 

So sad 

Sometimes I just can't stand being in my own head 

The negative thoughts going around my head in a never ending loop

Sometimes I just want out 

I was watching the last series of Teen Mom 2 yesterday 

Have you seen it?

I was watching it because of one of the girls has a prescription pill addiction

Leah is her name 

She has three kids 

All under 6

One with a disability 

And she is on her second divorce 

She is 23 years old

Anyone with eyes in their head

Can see that Leah is crumbling under the weight of her issues

But she is in complete denial

An addict can always spot an addict

I can see it in her eyes 

The pinned pupils 

The dark rings under her eyes 

The unkempt appearance 

The nodding off

And talking nonsense 

Leah was prescribed various painkillers and anti anxiety meds by her doctor 

And has obviously become addicted 

Shame on get doctor 

He should be struck off 

I watched the show hoping and praying the Leah would get help

It broke my heart to see her suffering so much 

She was a woman on the edge 

And I could tell if something didn't happen soon 

She might not make it

Towards the end of the show 

Leah had contacted a treatment centre 

And when the show finished 

She was planning to go

During the ads of the show 

It showed Lea as she is now 

And she looks great 

She's put some weight on her tiny frame 

The spark is back in her eyes

And her voice sounded animated 

I hope that Leah stays well

For her sake

And for those three children

As shocking as it was watching Leah's story 

It is all too common

Especially is the U.S. 

Where doctors seem to hand out strong prescription meds like smarties

Those doctors have a responsibility to their patients 

They took an oath to first do no harm

It makes my blood boil that Leah's doctor continued to prescribe her these meds 

Given the state she was in

But I have to admit 

I can relate to Leah 

The feeling of wanting to escape 

The feeling of not being able to cope with life 

Taking pills to check off the planet 

In a lot of ways I am just like Leah

But she is dealing with some pretty heavy stuff 

I guess I am too 

In my own way 

But my life is a lot more comfortable than hers 

That is for sure 

I don't know guys 

I guess I am trying g to have my cake and eat it too

But do I really want to spend my life drifting in and out of consciousness ?

Do I really want to throw my life away?

Do ideally want to miss out on the best years of my life?

The answer is 

That I don't know

I do know that I look forward to days that is abuse my meds 

And the days that I don't 

Are endless and tedious 

I know that that's life 

Life can be boring 

Monotonous

Repetitive 

I know I need to fill my days with things I love to do 

And find an occupation 

I am starting in the dog shelter in Wednesday 

And I am really hoping that it fills a void 

And I find my niche 

I got Lea and Honey microchipped last week 

My babies are now legit!

As microchipping is mandatory from next year on 

I love animals 

And feel a real affinity with them 

So I am going to throw myself in to the work 

And hope I can help myself and the dogs 

I know that I've brought up the topic of my meds before 

I feel I need to be honest about them 

And let you know that everything is my life is not on track

I know that's the nature of addiction

But I don't like to lie to people 

And I think when I see Breda in two weeks 

I am going to have to tell her what is happening 

Because how can the precessional sheep me if they don't know what is going on?

I don't know guys 

Watched this space I guess....

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

I know a lot of you ladies are on prescription meds 

And I'm wondering how that works for you

Do you take your meds as prescribed?

Do you overtake them ever?

Or stockpile them for a rainy day?

When do you think it becomes a problem?

If you see me what would you do?

Answers on a postcard please...

Recipe: Beef Goulash

When I was on holidays

I had the most delicious beef goulash 

In a little town called Selcuk

The food in Turkey had been hit or miss for me

And the beef goulash was by far my favourite meal while we were away

So since coming home 

I've been searching for a good recipe to follow 

And yesterday I found one 

On the BBC Good Food site 

So I thought I would make it today 

And share me recipe with you 

All the while wearing the beautiful apron that the lovely Bella handmade for me

Any excuse to wear it

Ingredients:

Olive oil - 2 tbsp

1 pound stewing steak

30g flour 

2 onions 

2 carrots

Celery

3 cloves garlic 

Green pepper

Red pepper

2 tbsp tomato purée 

2 tbsp paprika

Tin of tomatoes

75mls White wine

I pint beef stock 

I was also excited to use my measuring spoons and cups 

Method:

Add your olive oil to the pot 1 - tbsp

Cover your steak in the flour and brown well in batches being careful not to over crowd the pot

Set the browned meat aside

Add the rest of the olive oil

Also add the onion, garlic, celery, carrot and peppers 

Fry until softened for about 5mins

Return the beef to the pot

Add the tomato purée and paprika

Cook and stir for two minutes 

Then add the tin of tomatoes

Next, add the white wine and beef stock

Cover and bake in the oven for 90mins

Alternatively cover and cook on the job on a gentle heat for an hour, removing their after 45mins

Season with salt and pepper

 

Happy cooking!!!

Me

I'm aware that I haven't posted a photo of myself in a while

And if I have 

It's only been a head shot

I guess I have been self conscious about the way I look 

In my new scaffolding

I mean underwear

All the new curves and shapes 

Lumps and bumps 

So here I am 

Ruby 

Im not perfect 

I have too many flaws to count 

But this body is the only one I've got 

So I'm going to keep it

Like I had a choice anyway 

I am Ruby

I am a 34 year old woman

I have a past 

Like everyone does 

But I'm trying to make the most of my life 

And live in the here and now 

I am Ruby 

I've made many mistakes in my life 

But I've learnt from them 

And try not to repeat them 

I am Ruby

I am a good person 

I didn't always believe this 

But now I starting to believe that I am 

I am Ruby 

I am in recovery 

From addiction and disordered eating 

I am Ruby 

Here I am 

In this life...

Recently 

A strange feeling has come upon me

It has sneaked up on me 

Like a fox in the night 

I wasn't sure what it was at first

It felt so strange 

So foreign

Like nothing I have ever experienced before

It's only today

This morning in fact

That I realised what it is

It's happiness

At least I think it is

For the longest time 

I was so very numb

Between my ED and my addiction 

Happiness was not something that I experienced very much 

From the age of 13

I had been in trouble

In school 

Then after I left school 

My life began to implode 

I honestly don't think that up until this point

I had ever experienced happiness

Or anything approaching happiness

Contentment 

Satisfaction 

They were all foreign concepts to me

My twenties were a right off

Up until the age of 25 I was addicted to drugs 

And my ED was always there 

In the back ground 

I swear I went for years without laughing 

Or even smiling 

But recently 

I find myself laughing more and more

I firmly believe that laughter is good for the soul 

There is nothing better than a good belly laugh 

Nothing 

Over the last 15 months 

My life has turned around to the point that I don't even recognise it

And my families lives 

When I got ill

My whole family became ill

We were in such a bad way for years 

It is such a relief to have finally come out the other side 

There was a point in time 

When four out of the six members of my family were in active addiction

It was nothing short of a living nightmare 

Thinking back 

I'm not quite sure how we got through it 

I'm not sure how my mother stayed sane

It was utter chaos and devastation

But one by one 

We all got clean and sober 

And now we all have a good bit of recovery time behind us 

We've all done it in different ways

We have found what works for us 

As my mother often says 

Given what this family has been through 

We are not doing too badly at all

I haven't felt happiness in so long 

That I'm not even sure what it feels like

All I know is that I feel good 

I dont want to hurt or kill myself 

So that is a start 

I don't want to be anyone else

I am content to be me

I feel ok in my skin 

I don't want to be bigger or smaller

I don't crave an emaciated body 

I don't measure my worth in pounds and ounces

In fact I don't weigh at all

I measure my happiness and self worth by my actions 

By looking after myself

And my dogs 

By being a good person

And doing the right thing 

Most of the time 

I spent much of my life 

Looking at other girls 

And wishing I head their hair, legs, tan, shoes....

I put together the perfect body 

Using body parts from different girls 

I hated my own body

Hated my face

I was convinced that I was butt ugly 

And there was nothing I could do to improve my looks

And my body 

I hated it also 

I hated that I wasnt taller 

Leaner 

That my legs had no shape 

And my feet were deformed 

But now 

Now I see things a bit differently 

Yes

I have inherited my mothers hammer toe and bunions

But it could be so much worse 

They are things that I can deal with

And yes I am short at 5'4

But that's ok 

I'm of an average weight 

Yes 

I will never have a supermodel body 

But that's ok too

I remember when I was in treatment 

I was told that I had a petite hour glass shape 

That is not too shabby 

And better than a kick in the face 

Yes I have days when I literally want to die because I feel I have no redeeming features

I have days when I try on my whole wardrobe

And still can find nothing to wear 

I have my bad days 

Days when I just want to lie on the floor and scream and cry because my favourite jeans no longer fit me

The point is 

That most days are ok

Most days are good 

Most days I can leave the house feeling ok in my skin 

And that 

I can deal with

So much has happened in the last year

I regained weight to a healthy range 

I gave up smoking 

And 14 months later

Continue to be a non smoker

I decreased my purging by a huge amount

But the real changes 

The vital changes

Are the ones that have happened in my mind 

My thinking 

My beliefs 

And though process has dramatically changed 

I have come to realise that I can deal with life without relying on drugs or my ED

I've come to see that I am not a bad person 

And that for me is one of the biggest and best realisations 

Not only am I not a bad person

I am actually a good person

I am just a girl 

Who wants to live her life the best she can 

I want to live in my community

Quietly and harmoniously 

I want to look after my dogs

Walk then 

Feed them 

Love them

I want to be a productive member of society

I want to be valued 

And known as a reliable and good person

I have also come to realise 

That I am hugely blessed

I have a strong family around me

Who have carried me through my recovery on a wave of love and support 

My Mother 

Who continues to be my biggest cheerleader 

Is my rock 

My backbone

Over the years 

She has literally picked me up many times 

And have me a reason to keep going

I have siblings

And being the youngest of four 

I am forever treated as the baby 

I am so lucky to have had such amazing people in my life 

Family 

Friends 

Sponsors 

Mentors 

They have all been there exactly when I needed them

I am lucky that I come from a middle class family 

And have never struggled for money 

That is huge 

As it means that I never went without 

Even when times were tough 

Now

In my thirties 

It feels like I am finally figuring things out

Heck I got measured for my first bra at the grand ol' age of 34

And we all know what a revelation that was

My twenties were a blur of drugs and alcohol and starvation

My thirties feel clear and steady and mature 

So yes

I think I might be happy

My family are all in a good place 

My sister came home from Australia 

Which was amazing

She was sorely missed

And it's so good to have her home 

My health is good 

My mental health is good 

I feel part of things 

I am an active member of our community here

And this community means so much to me

You ladies 

Who have been staunch supporters of mine

I can never express the love and gratitude I feel for you amazing ladies

You have been with me every step of the way over the last 3 and a half years

This blog has saved my life 

And my sanity 

Over and over again

I am so honoured to be part of our little community 

I have met the most wonderful people through my blog 

People who I now call friends 

I hope I can maintain this feeling

I feel so positive about my life at the moment

Yes I am not perfect 

And there is still a lot of work to be done 

But right here

Right now 

I feel content 

I feel happy 

I feel ok to be me 

Because I am doing my best to be a good person 

And that is enough for me  

It's taken me a long long time 

But I finally feel like I know what I am doing 

Where I am going 

And what I want out of life 

I feel happy to be alive 

And that my friends 

Is a miracle