At a loss....

Do you ever wish you could turn back time?

And change history?

I sure do 

I feel sick to my stomach about what has gone on in the comments section of my blog the last couple of days 

I also learned a big lesson

Just because it happened 

Doesn't mean I have to blog about it

Which leads me to think that maybe I am being too honest on my blog 

Maybe I should censor myself a bit more

And not be so frank all the time 

Maybe I should take a break from blogging to asses where I am at 

Because I am not in a good place

The reason I am upset today 

Is not just what happened with Marla

But because this is the second time this suggestion has been brought to my attention

I don't know if you remember Loulou who used to be a close friend of mine 

We texted and emailed every day

She was good to me

And I did my best to help her

She also brought it to my attention the idea that our community is not healthy 

I disagreed with her

And we had a huge argument 

All through texts

And I haven't heard from her since

Thdt must be about a year ago now

So this tension with Marla reminds me of Loulou 

And makes me question myself 

And my motives for writing 

And the support we give each other 

I don't know if you read the anonymous comment left on my last point 

The writer brought up a lot of good points 

It was food for thought for sure

After everything that happened yesterday 

I had a long chat with my mother 

We talked about where I am at 

And what I need to do to keep moving forward 

Of course the subject of meds came up

As it always does 

I've agreed to let my mother take responsibility of my meds from now on

As I just can't trust myself 

Ive decided not to speak to my doctor about it 

But I will speak to Breda when I see her next week 

My mother also reminded me 

That back in August 

I told her that I was going to use this year to get a good foundation in my recovery 

Thdt I was going to take my meds correctly 

Go to meetings 

And stay in touch with friends 

I have done none if these things so far

I haven't been to a meeting in months 

I'm abusing my meds 

And I've lost touch with all my friends 

So the only social outlet I have is here on my blog

That can't be healthy 

I know I need to focus on my real life relationships more 

I am stuck at the monent 

I acknowledge that 

I've come a long way

But thdt doesn't mean I stop where I am 

There is still a long long way to go

After speaking with my mum last night 

I asked her to help me

To help me with my meds 

To help me get to meetings 

Which I have decided to go back to

As they do help

And keep me grounded in my recovery 

I know I will need support to get back on track 

Last night was horrible 

I couldn't look at the rest of the comments until this morning 

I felt so bad for Marla

And so guilty for my actions 

I spoke to my mum about blogging

And if it is healthy for me 

She made the point that a lot more positive things have come out of it than negative

That is true

95% of the feedback I get on my blog is positive 

And so many cool things have happened recently 

Being asked to do write for different publications 

And being able to help others 

So I won't stop blogging 

I will continue to write 

Just maybe not in the same way 

Today I am wondering if in fact this community is as healthy and productive as we think it is

Yes we are all friends 

Yes we support each other 

But are we being honest with each other? 

Are we telling each other what we want to hear

Or what we need to hear?

I am undecided on this right now 

I'm just not sure 

Marla made a point 

And I am wondering if there is any truth in it

I think back to my stints in treatment 

And remember how we all competed to be the sickest 

The thinnest 

Who needed the most attention from staff

I'm wondering if I Ruby do seek approval 

To be told that I am ok

Thdt I have come a long way

And therefore don't need to go any further

I don't profess to be perfect

I am the anthisesis of perfection

And am no poster girl for recovery 

But I need to keep plugging away at my recovery 

And keep fighting for my life 

I am honest here 

Probably to a fault 

And now I don't where to go from here 

Do I keep blogging as usual?

Do I take a break?

I'm still thinking about these things 

Because I need to get my priorities straight if I truly want to recover 

Which I do 

I guess I have some serious thinking to do

To reevaluate where I am at 

Jo made  the point yesterday 

That we need to stick together 

Because we are all in the some boat 

We shouldn't be pulling each other down

She is so right 

I don't want to argue with anyone 

And I certainly don't want to hurt anyone

Marla has emailed me

And she is ok 

But she is not going to read anymore 

I feel sad about this 

That she came to my blog looking for support

And ended up in the eye of a storm 

I learned some hard lessons over the past couple of days 

Next time 

I will think before I write 

Community

I write this comment a very bruised Ruby

I made a mistake

I should not have written my last post

I should not have publicly tried to sort out my issues with Marla publicly on my blog 

It was a knee jerk reaction

I felt hurt that I was accused of writing specifically for comments

And lashed out 

Now I fear an innocent person has been hurt 

Of course

Everyone is entitled to their opinion 

But I took offence to this comment

And write my post in a flurry of hurt 

I don't think I should have done that

Then of course

You

My loyal friends

Jumped to my defence 

And I know Marla felt that we ganged up on her 

And for that I feel sick

My blog is supposed to be a safe place 

A place where the truth is told 

Even if it is difficult to hear

As Jo wrote yesterday 

We are all in the same boat 

We should be pulling together 

Not falling apart

I appreciate you all standing up for me

But I don't feel right about the way I handled this situation 

I hurt someone 

And thdt is not ok with me 

I don't know where to go from here 

Make it Work

I don't have a lot of qualifications when it comes to education and work

I haven't studied beyond high school

I didn't attend college or university 

I don't have any specialists skills 

I have worked in a lot of different jobs

So I guess I do have some experience

Not a lot 

But some 

While most people I know were going to college

Travelling

Acquiring new skills 

I was in the midst of a horrific drug addiction

And following that

Anorexia and bulimia 

In a strange way 

I have mastered in those subjects 

They are topics that I know intimately 

I lived them 

Breathed them

Ate them 

And slept them for over ten years

I could write essays 

Thesis after thesis on these subjects 

And in a way 

I guess I do that everyday 

In writing this blog 

As you know 

I write everyday 

I write everyday for a few reasons 

I like to constantly have something new to write about 

I do it at the same time everyday 

So it gives my day structure and form

It's some thing that keeps me accountable and honest 

As well as that 

I love writing 

And am always thinking about new topics to write about 

I dont always write about addiction and EDs

I write personal posts 

I do photo posts

I review documentaries, books and TV shows 

I write about anything that interests me

And that I think will appeal to my readers

I often get asked to contribute to a website or guest post on a blog

At the moment I have three writing pieces 

In the works 

Which is really exciting 

As I have often said 

I am blown away by what can happen if you put yourself out there

If you are willing to share your story 

In an honest and vulnerable way

Writing my blog is a huge part of my life 

And I don't hold back

I share practically every part of my life here

In the hope that someone else feels the same

Or that someone else might not feel so alone 

It still blows my mind 

When I look at my stats and see people reading from Russia, Lebanon, Norway, China

I only know very few of you who read this blog

And of course there are the core readers and writers

Who form the back bone of this community 

And who I call my best friends 

My sister is always telling me that I should monetise my blog

Either by showing ads 

Or writing an E book

Or publishing a book myself 

There is no doubt 

That I have enough material for book

I have written 942 posts over three years 

Every moment over that time has been documented 

From my illness to recovery 

Every slip and relapse 

Every success and triumph

To read back on it is so amazing 

As as I soon as I have written a post 

I delete it from my mind 

So rereading it

Is like reading it for the first time

I really don't want to include ads in my blog

As I think they disrupt the flow of a blog 

But I would love to write a book

Or fashion my blog in to a book

That would be a dream come true 

Addiction and EDs are subjects that I know

I lived them

And in a lot of ways still live them

I just have this feeling deep down

That my blog 

And my experiences 

Are going to be a huge part of my life

And my work life 

And what you believe you create right?

With all that said 

I was wondering about you

Why do you write?

Would you like to make it your career?

Have you ever been published?

Would you like to be published?

Inquiring minds want to know....

Walkies...

Lea and Honey are now ten years old

In fact Honey is a little older than Lea

Lately I've really noticed their age

We used to do an hours walk no problem

But now Honey struggles to keep up

Especially if we are on a hill

I was out with them yesterday 

Down the back roads behind my house

I stopped to talk to one of the dogs in one of the houses down there

And Lea just panned out on the ground 

So I guess I need to shorten their walks now

In dog years 

They are 70 years old

So they are elderly for dogs

You can see it in Leas face

She looks old 

Honey however

It will take more than old age to stop her

Today

I thought I would share some photos with you of our walk this morning

As you will see 

Lea is loyal to the bitter end 

And never far from my side 

Honey on the other hand 

Will go with anyone who gives her food 

It shows her the slightest bit of affection 

Here they are...

The shame of addiction

First 

I want to thank you all for your comments on my last post

I really appreciate your candour and your honesty

I haven't replied to all the comments yet

But  will get to them today

Thank you all

Monday is always a bit of a Wright off

Having had no meds on Sunday

I usually sleep for a few hours on Monday 

Even if I did take my meds properly 

And didn't abuse them

I always make sure to take care of my dogs before I take my meds 

I get them up 

Let them out 

Bring them for a good long walk

Give them a chewy treat

And then take my meds 

I make sure I'm awake at lunch time to feed them 

But yesterday afternoon my mother woke me up 

To tell me that she thought the dogs were hungry

You can tell when they are hungry as they will bark and dance around your feet

I got up immediately and fed them 

But for me 

That was just unacceptable that I would be asleep while they are hungry

Shame on me 

I take pride in the fact that I am a good responsible dog owner 

But how can I be there for them 100% if I am abusing my meds

And sleeping my life away

After writing yesterday's post

I had a good long think 

And a good long look at myself 

Someone left a comment yesterday

That what I am doing is as bad as being addicted to heroin 

Only these drugs I get for free

This is a valid point

It's the same shit

Different substance

Others suggested that I need to fill my day

And have an occupation

I wholeheartedly agree with this 

And rang the dog shelter this morning

So hopefully I can start there soon

But yes

Yesterday I thought about my actions at the moment 

It must be really difficult for my mother and my sister and my dogs 

To see me out of it 

Nodding off and falling asleep 

Sometimes I see the look in my dogs eyes 

When I make my tea

And head in to the living room 

They look so sad 

Like they want me to stay in the kitchen with them 

But for the last while 

My meds have been the priority 

And that has to change 

I claim to be in recovery 

I claim to be turning my life around

That applies to all areas of my life

Not just my ED

I know I need to address this meds problem 

If I really want to be in recovery 

Not being there for my dogs is unacceptable to me

I rescued Honey and Lea

I've been there for them every day for the last ten years 

They are both elderly now 

And need a little bit of extra care in their old age 

This incident yesterday 

All your comments 

And my mothers and sisters concern

And my own concern

Have all added up to my wanting to make a change 

I have to make a change of I want to  live my life in the best way possible

Taking and overusing my meds is not making me happy

It's not fulfilling my life

It's not making me a better person

It's draining the life out of me

It's making me in to a sleepy, out of it down and out 

I don't want to be that person 

Not at all

One of the reasons I don't drink

Is because when you are drunk

What you say

And what you do 

Is not real

It's fake 

The same can be said for meds

When I am abusing them 

I am not myself 

What I say and do

Is not real

Because I am mood altered 

I am not myself 

So what do I do now that I know I want to make a change?

Some of you suggested that I give responsibility of my meds to a family member

This is a good suggestion

And something that has worked in the past 

However 

I've decided to give myself this week

To see if I can take them properly 

Starting today 

Depending on how this week goes

I will then decide whether to hand them over to a family member or not

History tells me that I am not good at managing my own meds and drugs

I've always been a greedy addict

If something makes me feel good

I will take it over and over again

No matter what the consequences

Usually 

In addiction

The precursor to change is hitting a rock bottom

That can happen quite quickly when illegal drugs are concerned

I hit many many rock bottoms during my own addiction

Because the drug I used is illegal

Crime is usually involved 

And other shady dealings 

The thing with prescription drugs 

Is that the are legal

My doctor writes me a prescription

I bring said prescription to the pharmacy 

Collect my meds

And it's all above board 

Of course 

I do not take my meds the way I am supposed to 

I take a double dose on some days 

But I think both addictions are the very same 

The only thing that separates them is that one is legal 

And the other is not 

At the moment 

I am having my cake and eating it

I have the luxury of having my addiction

With none of the consequences 

I get to live in a nice house 

In a dry clean bed 

With a roof over my head 

Clothes in my wardrobe 

And food in my fridge 

I could go on like this forever if I wanted to 

But do I want to?

No

I don't think so 

I am of the age 

Where a lot of my friends are getting  married 

Having children 

And pursuing a career

I do t know if I necessarily want that 

But it would be nice to have the option

I definitely want a career

I want to do something I love 

Whether that's working with animals

Or helping others with EDs and addiction

I can't see myself doing anything else 

I don't know if I want children

But I definitely want a partner to share my life with 

None of these jungs are possible if I continue abusing my meds

And maintain my addiction

I guess this issue is a big sign that all is not rosy in my recovery garden 

I am not doing this because I am a happy well adjusted person

I feel an inherent sadness 

I run from these feelings

I don't like these feelings

I accepted a long time ago

They my base level mood 

Is lower than the average person

I feel my feelings intensely 

Like I am hyper sensitive

That can be overwhelming 

Too much for me to handle 

So I cut my feelings off at the source

Because I don't know how else to deal with them 

I've never really developed alternative methods of dealing with my feelings 

I've always bounce from addiction to ED to addiction 

One thing that did help me stay clean and sober is meetings 

History tells me that I tend to do well when I am attending them

And being around others who are in recovery 

So why don't I go?

Well 

History also tells me that when I go to meetings 

I start off well 

And throw myself in to them 

But then 

I get complacent 

Start to skip them here and there 

And then stop going altogether 

And that is a pattern I repeat over and over 

Another reason I don't go 

Is that I don't always feel like part of the crowd 

Like I don't quite fit in

And that is a horrible feeling

I don't know 

Maybe meetings are not for me

Maybe I can do it another way

But then 

Maybe I should give them another shot 

And take it day by day 

One thing is for sure 

I need to do something 

Because time is going by so fast at the moment 

And before I know it 

My life will be over 

I guess my confidence in myself could be improved 

One of the reasons I am reluctant to pursue education or work

Is thstbibam afraid that I am not smart enough 

Not good enough 

Not pretty enough 

Too quiet 

Too shy 

Too introverted 

That the big bad world would chew me up and spit me out

What I would really love to do 

Is help others with eating disorders and addiction

I have absolutely no educational qualifications 

But I am more than qualified in EDs and addiction

And I really feel I could help others 

Because I have been there myself 

My blog is a huge part of my life

And I sincerely hope that my experiences will go some way to helping others 

As you know 

I don't censor my writing 

I share my story warts and all 

The ups and downs 

The highs and lows 

Every drama 

Every set back

Every triumph and success 

Is documented here 

I don't hold back 

Because I want to be real

And authentic

I don't know how to be any other way

So I am going to try 

Starting today 

I am going to try my best to take my meds properly 

And his day next week

I will asess the situation

And see what changes need to be made 

I am lucky 

I have great support 

Both in my real life

And here in my blog

Do with all your help 

I know I can do this 

And more importantly 

I really want to do this 

And that is half the battle 

So today is day 1

I will try my best 

I will find other ways to deal with my feelings 

I will speak to Breda 

And my doctor if I need to 

I have to do this 

For myself 

For my family 

For Honey and Lea

For all of us 

What is the alternative...?

Meds

I'm all off schedule this morning

I arrived in to the doctors this morning

To find that I had both my doctors appointment and Breda at the same time 

9 30am

I checked in 

And went and sat outside my doctors office

Then Breda came and I had to explain to her that I couldn't see her

So now I won't get to see her until November 2nd

I can't lie 

Part of me is glad I won't see her until then

She asked me how things are going 

I said good more or less

She asked what that meant 

I replied that there are things I could work on

Which there always are 

We left it at that 

And I went to see my doctor

He was pretty full this morning 

So I had a bit of a wait

Eventually I was called in 

My doctor talked about his printer for about five minutes 

Which I thought was amusing 

Then he got down to the nitty gritty

Two weeks ago 

He said he would reduce the methadone today 

He brought up the subject again this morning 

I played dumb

And said I couldn't remember him saying that 

He smiled 

And said 'We'll go down two mls'

I didn't have the energy to argue

So down I went 

Just then 

My doctor got a phone call

He answered

And asked me to step outside for a minute 

Which I did 

While I was out there 

A lady with the most beautiful baby girl sat down beside me 

I could take my eyes off the baby

He name was Cassidy

She just looked so snug and content 

And I wished I could swap places with her 

So all I would have to worry about is eating and sleeping 

Anyway 

After a couple of minutes 

My doctor called me back in 

He told me that it was one of the prisons on the phone 

Trying to get a psychiatrist to see one of the prisoners 

He mentioned the name of the prison

Castlerea

Straight away I had a flash back

Of me going in to the visiting room of the prison

With a mouth full of drugs 

Passing it to my boyfriend in a kiss

Then 

Going to the prison with my boyfriends uncle

Who was in a wheel chair 

Smoking weed in the car on the way there 

Then me getting so nervous that I let go of the wheel chair 

And the man fell out on to the ground 

Talk about drawing attention to yourself 

Needless to say 

I didn't mention any of this to my doctor 

I think he thinks I wasn't that bad on drugs

Little does he know....

Back to Breda

The reason I'm not thrilled about going to see her 

Is because of my meds 

In that I am still not taking them properly 

I misuse then 4 - 5 days out of 7

And now they my mother is around more

She is seeing how bad the situation really is 

Before

When she was working 

She was gone four days 

But now she is here all the time

She is starting to notice that all is not rosy in the recovery garden

So this is why I don't want to speak to Breda 

Because I won't be able to lie to her

And if I tell her

There is every possibility she will tell my doctor 

And I'm afraid my meds will be stopped

I know I've told my doctor before 

And what he usually does is have me go in to the pharmacy every day

But they never lasts 

And I go back to my old ways 

The thing is 

I'm not sure if I want to sort out the meds situation 

I mean 

I have it cushy right now

I get to have my escape 

With little consequence

Isn't that every addicts dream?

But at the same time 

I do want to live my life 

I want to work at the dog shelter 

I want to be free of my addictions 

But it's just so damn hard to live in reality 

Why? 

I don't know 

I just get so anxious

So bored 

So nervous 

So sad 

Sometimes I just can't stand being in my own head 

The negative thoughts going around my head in a never ending loop

Sometimes I just want out 

I was watching the last series of Teen Mom 2 yesterday 

Have you seen it?

I was watching it because of one of the girls has a prescription pill addiction

Leah is her name 

She has three kids 

All under 6

One with a disability 

And she is on her second divorce 

She is 23 years old

Anyone with eyes in their head

Can see that Leah is crumbling under the weight of her issues

But she is in complete denial

An addict can always spot an addict

I can see it in her eyes 

The pinned pupils 

The dark rings under her eyes 

The unkempt appearance 

The nodding off

And talking nonsense 

Leah was prescribed various painkillers and anti anxiety meds by her doctor 

And has obviously become addicted 

Shame on get doctor 

He should be struck off 

I watched the show hoping and praying the Leah would get help

It broke my heart to see her suffering so much 

She was a woman on the edge 

And I could tell if something didn't happen soon 

She might not make it

Towards the end of the show 

Leah had contacted a treatment centre 

And when the show finished 

She was planning to go

During the ads of the show 

It showed Lea as she is now 

And she looks great 

She's put some weight on her tiny frame 

The spark is back in her eyes

And her voice sounded animated 

I hope that Leah stays well

For her sake

And for those three children

As shocking as it was watching Leah's story 

It is all too common

Especially is the U.S. 

Where doctors seem to hand out strong prescription meds like smarties

Those doctors have a responsibility to their patients 

They took an oath to first do no harm

It makes my blood boil that Leah's doctor continued to prescribe her these meds 

Given the state she was in

But I have to admit 

I can relate to Leah 

The feeling of wanting to escape 

The feeling of not being able to cope with life 

Taking pills to check off the planet 

In a lot of ways I am just like Leah

But she is dealing with some pretty heavy stuff 

I guess I am too 

In my own way 

But my life is a lot more comfortable than hers 

That is for sure 

I don't know guys 

I guess I am trying g to have my cake and eat it too

But do I really want to spend my life drifting in and out of consciousness ?

Do I really want to throw my life away?

Do ideally want to miss out on the best years of my life?

The answer is 

That I don't know

I do know that I look forward to days that is abuse my meds 

And the days that I don't 

Are endless and tedious 

I know that that's life 

Life can be boring 

Monotonous

Repetitive 

I know I need to fill my days with things I love to do 

And find an occupation 

I am starting in the dog shelter in Wednesday 

And I am really hoping that it fills a void 

And I find my niche 

I got Lea and Honey microchipped last week 

My babies are now legit!

As microchipping is mandatory from next year on 

I love animals 

And feel a real affinity with them 

So I am going to throw myself in to the work 

And hope I can help myself and the dogs 

I know that I've brought up the topic of my meds before 

I feel I need to be honest about them 

And let you know that everything is my life is not on track

I know that's the nature of addiction

But I don't like to lie to people 

And I think when I see Breda in two weeks 

I am going to have to tell her what is happening 

Because how can the precessional sheep me if they don't know what is going on?

I don't know guys 

Watched this space I guess....

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

I know a lot of you ladies are on prescription meds 

And I'm wondering how that works for you

Do you take your meds as prescribed?

Do you overtake them ever?

Or stockpile them for a rainy day?

When do you think it becomes a problem?

If you see me what would you do?

Answers on a postcard please...

Recipe: Beef Goulash

When I was on holidays

I had the most delicious beef goulash 

In a little town called Selcuk

The food in Turkey had been hit or miss for me

And the beef goulash was by far my favourite meal while we were away

So since coming home 

I've been searching for a good recipe to follow 

And yesterday I found one 

On the BBC Good Food site 

So I thought I would make it today 

And share me recipe with you 

All the while wearing the beautiful apron that the lovely Bella handmade for me

Any excuse to wear it

Ingredients:

Olive oil - 2 tbsp

1 pound stewing steak

30g flour 

2 onions 

2 carrots

Celery

3 cloves garlic 

Green pepper

Red pepper

2 tbsp tomato purée 

2 tbsp paprika

Tin of tomatoes

75mls White wine

I pint beef stock 

I was also excited to use my measuring spoons and cups 

Method:

Add your olive oil to the pot 1 - tbsp

Cover your steak in the flour and brown well in batches being careful not to over crowd the pot

Set the browned meat aside

Add the rest of the olive oil

Also add the onion, garlic, celery, carrot and peppers 

Fry until softened for about 5mins

Return the beef to the pot

Add the tomato purée and paprika

Cook and stir for two minutes 

Then add the tin of tomatoes

Next, add the white wine and beef stock

Cover and bake in the oven for 90mins

Alternatively cover and cook on the job on a gentle heat for an hour, removing their after 45mins

Season with salt and pepper

 

Happy cooking!!!