Monday 4 January

This are beginning to come to a head

I've been feeling so low 

Both physically 

And mentally

I always say that the day that I don't walk my dogs 

Is a day there is something very wrong with me

Well these days myself and Lea are only going for short token walks

Bless her 

She doesn't seem to notice the difference 

And still comes back happy

As if she'd walk 5 miles

But it's like they know something is wrong

Lea is so clingy these days 

Always at my side 

Always wanting to be stroked 

Honey is also playing up

Barking like a lunatic every time I go in to the kitchen 

They are so intune 

They pick up on the smallest change in me or their routine 

I hate that I am effecting them too

I went out yesterday morning 

To pick up some food 

When I came home 

My Mam came to speak to me

And asked me if I was aware that I was stockpiling food again

To be perfectly honest

I wasn't aware

I thought I was just buying neccesities 

But thinking about it 

I am buying bags of binge food 

I am back in the binge purge cycle

Later on last night 

I broke down to my Mam

I told her how shitty I am feeling 

And how low I feel 

She told me to speak to my doctor 

She hugged me

Wiped my tears 

And in a very firm voice told me that I would get through this 

And I would be ok

I felt a little better after speaking to her

But spent the rest of the evening trying to fight back tears 

It's also hard because we have a few visitors staying 

So I'm trying to be in good form

Which as you know, is not easy to do

But 

I know no one expects me to put on a show 

It's pressure I put on myself

I went to bed early 

And cried myself to sleep 

I woke early

In time to keep my 9am appointment 

It being the first day back after Christmas

The surgery was full of people 

I had just taken a seat 

When my name was called 

I followed my doctor in to his room

And sat for a minute while he turned his computer on

Trying to formulate lucid sentences in my head

When he asked me how I was

It poured out of me like word vomit 

Feeling so low physically 

Like I'm going to pass out all the time 

He said I looked very drawn

He took my bloods

To check my electrolytes 

Took my BP

Which was ok 

He also checked my throat 

Which was red

And my glands which were swollen

He thought I might have a virus 

But I said it was probably from the purging 

He agreed 

Then 

The dreaded scale 

He weighed me 

I've lost 5 kilos since he weighed me last month

24 pounds in the last 2 months

No wonder I am feeling so bad

My doctor told me to ring in the morning for the results of my bloods

I thanked him

And left

After collecting my meds

I went back to the surgery to see Breda 

The first thing she said to me was how I look drained and pale 

It was an effort just to be there 

To just talk 

And trying to be positive was really wiping me out

She told me to take it easy

To rest 

And look after myself 

Everyone keeps saying this to me 

But I don't know what I'm meant to be doing 

I mean I do know 

But what else should I be doing?

I'm just so tired 

My body is in bits trying to stay together 

The thing is 

And what I was saying to my mum last night 

I can't believe I have been so stupid

To think that I could have lost some weight 

And leave it at that 

Over course my ED was going to take over at some point 

So 

The plan this week

Is to ring Mary

See my psychiatrist tomorrow

And keep my hospital appointment on Friday

Apart from that 

Rest 

Eat 

Build myself up again 

I haven't felt this bad in years 

I asked my mother last night

If I am ever going to get well

She replied with absolutely no hesitation or doubt 

Yes Ruby

Of course you will

I hope she is right......

TMI

I recently wrote an article for an on line magazine called Holl and Lane

The article was published a couple of days ago

And was entitled 'Inside the mind of an addict' 

It was basically my story 

From childhood 

To now 

And everything in between 

It was a long article 

And even though it has just been published 

I wrote it and submitted it back in October

So reading it yesterday

Was like reading it for the first time

As I read through it 

Some thing suddenly struck me

And hit me like a brick to the head

Am I over sharing?

Am I telling too much about my life?

Am I leaving myself open and vulnerable?

Am I doing the wrong thing?

Is there a reason why most people don't air their dirty laundry?

After I finished reading the article

I felt utterly naked and exposed

I wanted to take the article back 

And submit a nice polished fairy story of my life 

With a neat little ending where everything turns out ok

And I marry the prince who saved me from myself 

As you know 

I don't write an awful lot about my family 

I mention my mum and sister a lot 

And my sisters depression

But I try not to write about my family too much 

In this particular article 

I wrote a little bit about growing up

And I can't write about growing up without talking about the addiction in my home

The unhappy place it was to be

And the tyrant my father was

But now I feel guilty about writing about him

Because he's not like that anymore 

He has changed 

Markedly so

I don't want to point the finger at him

And blame him for all the shit my family has been through 

But at the same time

I have to be honest 

And tell my truth

My account of my own life 

But I wonder 

Am I being too honest?

Should I really be writing so explicitly about my life?

Will it come back to haunt me in the future?

I mean 

I give a full and frank account of my life here 

And I really don't know what other way to tell my story 

I don't write anonymously 

Heck there's big ass photo of me on the front of my blog!

I don't know

With all that said

I was wondering about you

What do you think about honesty while blogging?

Do you think we should hold back and preserve our dignity?

Or are you in favour of telling all?

Inquiring minds want to know.....

January 2 2016

After my episode yesterday while walking my dogs

I came home straight away

And promptly fell asleep on the couch for a few hours with a blanket over me

And a hot water bottle tucked in to my pyjamas 

I felt a lot better after sleeping and eating something 

I know that feeling though

The feeling I am going to pass out

When my body feels really heavy 

And me heart feels like it's fluttering in my chest

I also know that it could well be due to an electrolyte imbalance 

As this has happened before

And I was hospitalised immediately 

I will speak to my doctor on Monday 

He might do some bloods just to check everything is ok 

I know that this is probably happening because I lost a lot of weight quickly 

God help me 

I want to stop 

I truly do

But some thing in me keeps saying

Just one more pound 

Just one more 

I arrive at one goal

Only for the goal posts to be moved

And then it's on to the next one

I mean

It makes no sense 

I know where this is headed 

I know how this story ends

Yet I continue to fall head first down the rabbit hole

It's irrational 

It's illogical 

I don't understand it

I really don't 

Next week will be good though

As I am seeing Breda on Monday

My psychiatrist on Tuesday

And I have a follow up appointment in the hospital on Friday

So lots of support next week

Heck knows I need it

It just goes to show 

Not looking after yourself does catch up with you

I muddled along for years

Drinking 

Drugging

Starving

Bingeing and purging 

I thought I was invincible 

Indestructible 

When you are young 

You don't consider your own mortality

It feels like you are bullet proof

And for a long time 

I did get away with it

But 

I'm getting older 

And it's harder to bounce back

The pancreatitis 

Two bouts of it 

Have really knocked the wind out of my sails 

And is living proof that my body is struggling to just be well

To function normally 

There is only so much that it can take 

Even after this most recent hospital stay

Coming home

I was all pumped to change my ways 

Eat properly 

Not purge 

Get healthy 

That lasted about two days

And I was straight back to my old ways 

I'm finding it so hard to do the right thing 

To feed my body 

Nourish it 

And look after it 

It doesn't come easily to me 

I've been he'll bent on self destruction for so long

That it has become second nature to me 

It's what I know 

On the other hand 

I have shown that I can change if I want to 

I quit drugs

Alcohol

Even smoking 

So I know it's within my capabilitiy to change and adapt 

It seems that food is the final frontier 

The last thing 

My one remaining vice

And it seems to me 

That food could be the trickiest of all 

At least with drugs and drink 

I could eliminate them completely from my life

I don't have to deal with them on a daily basis 

With food 

I have to navigate through it multiple times a day 

And being an all or nothing person 

That is tough for me

I either eat all the food 

Or none of the food 

And there is not a lot of leeway in between 

Anyway 

My aim at the moment 

Is to take it day by day 

Deal with the here and now

And not worry too much about yesterday or tomorrow 

I just feel like the fight has almost been knocked out of me 

And I am scrambling to find the courage and faith to go on 

My mental health is not good 

I'm paranoid 

My thoughts are negative and destructive 

I can't make sense of simple situations 

I'm hyper sensitive 

Reading too much in to things 

It feels like every nerve in my body is on high alert 

And is picking up every little detail in life 

It's draining 

It's exhausting 

I just want out

I can now see that I can't be underweight and healthy 

Or even happy 

3 months ago I was at a healthy BMI of 22-23

I felt good 

Whether I looked good or not didn't really come in to it

If being a healthy weight was the price I had to pay for being well and happy

Then I was will to pay it

Now my BMI is 18

Not even clinically anorectic 

I feel utterly all over the shop

I know I need some extra support right now 

And I will ring Mary again next week

I just need the help to snap out of this rut I am in 

I just need help

I know if I had that 

I could get back on track 

Back on form 

Because I'm not willing to go down the route of being severely underweight 

And worrying my whole family to death 

I'm not willing to throw my life away for the sake of a number on a scale 

I won't do it

And I won't do it to my family 

I just need help 

A little bit of help 

That is all....

Another year over.....

🎉We rang in the new year last night at home

There were 8 of us

We players board games 

And drank fizzy drinks out of champagne flutes 

When the clock striked 12

We all piled over to my neighbours house to wish her a happy new year

She said it had made her night 

I got to bed around 2am

And found it really hard to wake up this morning

I dragged my weary self out of bed

Made a cup of tea

And promptly fell back to sleep again on the couch 

I woke an hour later 

Still feeling extremely tired

But I put my coat and hat on

And headed out with Honey and Lea

I had been walking for about 5 minutes 

When I began feeling a little strange 

Like all blood had drained from my face

And I was going to throw up

I turned back straight away 

As I wasn't sure if I was going to pass out or not 

It took me forever to make it home 

Takings breaks

Stopping and starting 

But everything was difficult 

I couldn't get my breath 

My body felt like it was fighting against me

I arrived home finally 

My mother knew straight away something was wrong 

When I walked in and collapsed in to a chair 

I told her what had happened

She asked if I had pain

I didn't 

She made me tea and toast

And I took a hot water bottle in to the living room

Where I write this 

I have to admit 

I am worried 

That this is happening again

That my body is fighting against itself

Even if it's not quite pancreatitis 

It's still a sign that all is not well with my health  

Nothing about this is good

I'm going to leave it at that for now

I'm going to rest 

And try and take care of myself 

Until tomorrow....,

New Years Eve

I just wanted to take the opportunity to wish all my readers, commenters and friends a very happy new year

It's hard to believe that another year has passed

And 2016 is just around the corner

I sincerely hope that he coming year is a good one

I guess it's down to me to make that happen

2015 started well

I was in a good place

Mood was good

Weight was stable 

Purging was at a minimum 

But the past couple of months have been tough

And I'm struggling to bounce back after my second bout of pancreatitis 

However 

I am fighting hard to get on top of this slip 

Before it turns in to a complete relapse 

Purging is a problem again 

And am purging up to five times a day 

I know 

This is not good 

For my physical health

My mental health 

It's a merry-go-round that's nigh on impossible to get off 

I don't want to stArt off the new year on a bad foot 

So happy new year to you

Where ever you may be

Who ever you are 

Thank you for reading this year

For commenting

Texting 

Emailing 

For supporting me 

For being there

For being honest with me even when it's hard to hear

Thank you for never judging me

For being a friend 

For catching me when I fell

For helping me put myself back together after I fell apart

For cheering me on through the good times

And never turning your back on me through the tough times 

Your words 

Your thoughts and wishes mean more to me than you will ever know 

I'm so grateful for this community 

Dwindling as it may be

It's a life line 

It's having human contact when real life doesn't provide it

I hope that the coming year is a good one for you

I hope all your hopes and dreams come true 

That tou meet all your goals and aspirations 

I hope the year is full of laughter and love

That it's the best year yet

Because you deserve it

We deserve it

God knows we have suffered enough 

If you make one promise this new year

Promise to be kinder to yourself

We are our own worst critic

Our very own bully 

We are so very hard on ourselves

And that has to stop

We need to look after ourselves

Because if we don't 

Who will?

The next time you go to best yourself up

Or tear yourself down

Stop

Think

Would you say this to a friend?

To a loved one?

I'm willing to bet not 

So why do we do it to ourselves?

Please 

Just be a bit nicer to you

You will feel the benefits 

I promise you

Happy new year

To you and yours 

Let's hope it's a good one....

2015

As is usual at this time of the year

I've been looking back over 2015

The ups and downs

The highs and lows 

It's been an eventful year to say the least 

It's started out with poor little Honey having an operation to remove her eye

After a rather nasty infection killed the sight in it

The poor thing was in a lot of pain

And every time we went to my vet

We came away with no answers

So we decided to go to my Dads vet

Who operated immediately after seeing her eye 

I can remember being so worried

That she wouldn't recover

That something would go wrong

She came home the next day 

And was incredibly groggy for a day or two

But after that 

She made a remarkable recovery

And was back to her cheeky self in no time

The only thing that is different is that she doesn't always come for walks now

But that's ok

That's her perogative 

When Lea and I go out

Honey waits at the side of the house for us to come back 

And gets so excited when she sees us coming 

But still

It would take a lot more than a missing eye to stop Honey

I don't even want to mention what happened next 

You know what I mean 

The Boy 

I had temporary lapse in judgement early last year 

When I began meeting The Boy

And soon found myself smack bang in the middle of a relapse 

This was a really tough time

As I struggled to make sense of my feelings for him 

And also the infamous poppy tea

My mum and sister found out

Prompting one hell of an argument between us 

It was a horrible time

One that I don't think of very often 

So the less said about it the better me thinks 

In April

We did the darkness to light walk

Which is becoming a tradition every year

It's in aid of suicide prevention 

So it's all for a good cause

Then came summer 

We brought my nephew to Belfastfor his birthday 

I shaved the side of my head 

I got my nose pierced 

Which I still love to this day 

My mum had her retirement do 

At which I made a speech

I had my birthday in September 

Then headed to Istanbul at the end of month

October we went to Cork for a few days 

November we got the news that my brother signed a two book deal

Then this month 

I had another bout of pancreatitis

Which was a blow 

But I am doing my best to get over 

And of course Christmas 

Which was lovely 

And in between all that 

I did various interviews and writing pieces for different on line publication which was amazing 

Yes it's been a rollercoaster of a year

But I wouldn't change it for the world 

Here are some photos from the last year...

Tuesday 29th December

It being Christmas 

And it being a bank holiday

I was at the doctors today 

Instead of yesterday

The surgery was unusually quiet

I took a seat 

And looked up to see a man from the meetings coming towards me

I actually smelled him before I saw him

Which is a terrible thing to say 

But it's the truth

This man would be considered by many as the town fruit loop

And resident weirdo 

I don't see him this way

And see nothing but a very mentally unwell person

A person who drank and drugged too much in their youth

A lonely man 

A very sad man

He spotted me straight away

And made a bee line for me 

The smell off of him was pungent 

Stale alcohol

The scent of not having washed in weeks

I have to admit

I don't particularly like meeting this man 

As he can be very inappropriate 

He is the same man who asked me me very loudly in a waiting room if I had a problem with food 

So needless to say I am wary of him

He came over when he saw me 

Sat down beside me 

And said I looked well 

Which I don't 

But anyway 

He took out a little bag

When I saw it 

I was reminded of the One Direction bag he used to sport earlier in the year

He asked if I had a pen

I fished in to my bag and found one

Just at that moment my name was called by my doctor

I told the man the keep the pen

And followed my doctor in to his room 

Before I had even sat down 

He started telling me about a fabulous new book he was reading 

He sat back in his chAir as he spoke 

As though he was in his element 

After a few minutes

He changed the subject 

And asked how Christmas had gone

I told him it was lovely and low key

He asked about my eating issues 

I told him how I think I need to address a few issues in that regard

And I hope to see Mary in the new year

He also asked if I was purging much

I said I was

A bit 

But in truth 

It's spinning out of control again

When I got home from hospital two weeks ago

I was really charged to make some changes to my lifestyle 

My eating 

My purging 

The food I choose to eat 

As well as generally looking after myself 

But 

Old habits die hard as they say

And I'm finding it difficult to make any real  change 

My health has never been a priority 

I've never cared enough about myself to put my health first 

I guess that comes from not caring if you live or die 

And I felt that way for a very long time

Now 

I want to live 

I do

But again 

The habits of a lifetime

And the beliefs of a lifetime prove so very hard to change

My doctor wrote my script

And I left wishing him a happy new year 

I can't lie 

I feel I am heading head first for a relapse 

I am now on the cusp of being underweight

The prospect of this both thrills me and terrifies me

But the thing is 

Even though I know where I am headed

And I know how this story ends 

I am finding it incredibly difficult to stop

The numbers are going down at an alarming rate

I've lost 21 pounds in the last 7-8 weeks

I worry about that

I don't want to put my family through this whole nightmare again

And even in weight terms 

I think I look better when my BMI is around 22 - 23

At the moment I look pale and wan

Weight loss is always really visible in my face

I'm just hoping I can get some top

Up sessions with Mary 

I'm also seeing my psychiatrist in the new year 

So I'm hoping to get some extra support there 

So yes 

I am struggling at the moment 

It's been a combination of factors that contributed to this slip

The navy trousers that didn't fit

My being hospitalised again

I always lose weight when I am unwell

And I guess that's not unusual

It's just really hard to bounce back from that

It's tough though 

I know a lot of us here on blogger are struggling at the moment 

I think at times like this 

We need to stick together 

Look out for one another

Support each other 

Sometimes we are all each other has

I feel your pain

I really do 

I know what it's like to feel afraid 

Alone even though you are surrounded by people 

I know this thing we call ED can ruin lives 

Not just of the sufferer 

But of everyone around them

The thing about EDs

Is that the one person who can decide to get well

Is the one person who doesn't want to get well 

I know from being on both sides of mental illness

That being a carer or a supporter is not easy 

It's frustrating beyond belief 

And it's hard work

Sister no 1 is really struggling at the moment with depression

It's so hard to see her like this 

She's withdrawn

Very quiet 

Spends a lot of time in her room

She started taking her meds again

So we are hoping that will help

But the next few days are going to be busy here 

And I know she will find that hard

We are all just trying to be there for her 

Make sure she is warm and comfortable 

Giving her space

But also plenty of hugs 

The thing is 

That we as her family 

Feel so helpless 

There is little we can do to ease her suffering 

Yes we can be there 

But we can't take her depression away 

Just like my family can't take my illness away 

But as ever

We will persevere 

Keep fighting the good fight

And keep hoping and believing in a better life 

What is the alternative?

Lie down and give up?

No 

That is just not an option

We as a family have been through too much to give up now 

That's just not our style 

2016 is just around the corner 

I'm hoping it will be a good one 

What are your hopes for 2016?