ED Update

Things are tough over here in ED central

The purging has well and truly wormed it's way back in to my life

Especially in the evenings

And when I am on my own

In the evenings

My family usually gathers in the living room

I use that opportunity to eat in the kitchen

And purge

When I was first put on Prozac

It really helped with my bingeing

And I managed to reduce my purging to a couple of times a week 

That stayed that way for about a year

But a couple of months ago

My purging gradually started to increase again

Why?

I can't answer that 

I really don't know why 

Now I'm back to purging up to ten times a day

Take yesterday for example 

My mum and sister drove my Auntie B to the airport 

And I was alone at home for a few hours 

I started off with soup

And two slices of bread and butter

Purge 

Then a ham salad 

With lettuce

Spring onion

Potato salad 

And coleslaw 

Purge 

Then I had noodles 

Purge 

Pasta 

Purge 

Tune sandwich 

Purge 

And the day just continued like that 

Literally walking in circles 

From the kitchen to the bathroom

Over and over again 

Like a women possessed 

It's exhausting 

Draining 

Utterly soul destroying 

I hate it 

But I can't stop

I'm stuck in this binge/purge cycle

I'm craving certain foods the way I used to crave heroin

I need to stop though

I can't go on like 

 this 

I can't live like this 

It's going to kill me 

Sooner or later 

If this job does work out 

I need to get myself together 

I'm going to need energy to do the job

So I need to eat properly 

Giving myself enough energy and nourishment to get through the day

And I need to start practising that straight away 

I'm seeing Mary this week

So I will talk it out with her 

And make a plan for the next few months 

Both food wise 

And occupation wise 

The thought of this job is keeping me going at the moment 

But I need to be prepared for the fact that it might not work out

I need to have a plan B

And I guess that will be volunteering 

Either with animals 

Or the elderly 

I would be happy doing either one

I'm trying to stay positive 

But the truth is 

I am afraid I won't get the job 

I think about what they are looking for 

And I'm pretty sure it's not a former drug addict with various mental health issues

But the thing is 

I know I could do a good job 

I know I could thrive and grow and blossom in this position 

I'm a doer 

I like to be busy 

I like to be around people 

And help people 

This job is all of those things 

It's like it was made especially for me 

I just hope I get to make a case for myself at the interview 

I'm not too bad at interviews 

The manger told me that there would be three interviewers

Which sounds a bit daunting 

But I will give it my best shot 

I can do know more 

Weight wise 

I could do with putting on a few pounds 

My BMI is just over 18

And I don't think it suits me

I look better when my my BMI is a around 20

So I will work on it 

Thank you so much  for all your suppor recently 

It means so much to me that you are all behind me 

And encourages me to realise my hopes and dreams 

I just hope that I can do the same for you too

Thank you!! X

Monday Monday....

As usual 

I was up early this morning to go see my doctor

My sister and I set off for my 9 20am appointment 

And she went for a walk with the dogs 

While I headed in to the surgery

I had my application for the job with me

Which I filled out last night

And went over it as I sat in the waiting room

I needed two references 

So I put my elderly neighbour as one

I needed one more

So I made a call to the pizzeria owner I used to work for

I got his wife 

Who said that was absolutely fine 

It really pays off doing the right thing

And having someone who can give you a reliable character witness

As I rang off 

My doctor called me in 

I followed him in to his room

Where I settled in my usual seat

I had thought about asking him for a reference 

But I don't know if that would be appropriate 

So I decided against it

We talked for a few minutes 

I told him about the job

And he seemed genuinely delighted for me

He said that he hopes to retire there when he's older 

Gosh wouldn't the tables turn if that was the case

He wished me good luck

And to me that I am too talented to be sitting around doing nothing 

I thought that was a nice thing to say 

I collected my script 

And headed for the pharmacy

After handing in my script to the pharmacist 

I decided to head over to where the job is

And hand in my application

It was busier today

I walked to the kitchen 

Where the staff usually are

I knocked on the door

Someone answered and said they would introduce me to the manager 

I spoke to her for a few minutes

She was really lovely 

She told me that there were loads of applications 

My heart sank a bit when she said that 

She said they would go through all the applications this week

And that they wouldn't be calling everyone for interview 

But the would let me know one way or another next week

I thanked her

And headed back to the pharmacy 

You know me 

I get very excited about things

And this job is something I would love

But now I'm thinking I probably my shouldn't get my hopes up

As so many have applied

The manager dos ask me if I was available for an interview

And if I could start straight away 

Does that mean I'm going to be called?

Or did she ask everyone that?

I just dont know 

I guess now it's a waiting game

And we all know how I'm not very good at waiting 

But 

I have no other choice

At least I know that I did my best

And gave it a good shot

I could do no more

This is the first job I've applied for in years 

So if nothing else 

It's been good experience

But you guys 

I just can't help getting my hopes up

I just have this really good feeling about this place

And this job 

It's some thing I could really sink my teeth in to 

And I can't lie

I will be bitterly disappointment if it doesn't work out

In other news

I am feeling a lot better the last few days 

Physically 

I feel almost back to myself 

And my mood has picked up too

My weight has stayed the same for the past two weeks 

With no losses to report 

So that is good 

Although if I were to get this job

I need to gain a bit 

Or at the very least maintain where I am at 

It's all motivation to get well

And stay well

I guess I need to have a back up if this job doesn't work out 

Whether that be another job

A course 

Volunteer work 

I think I will wait to hear from them

And go from there

Whatever happens 

It's a learning experience 

And I can use that in the next job I apply for 

So please think of me

And wish me luck 

It looks like I'm going to need it....

Outfit for today

We have a full house this weekend 

My Auntie B and my two uncles on my mothers side are here 

We are all going out for lunch today

So I thought I would share my outfit for the day

I bought a pair of dungarees on line a while ago

And really wasn't sure if they would suit

But after trying them on

I have to say 

I really like them 

They are super comfy 

Perfect for a Sunday family lunch

So 

Here they are....

And then she stopped giving a s**t....

Hello friends 

Romans 

Country men

Hello also to my haters 

Who even though have a huge problem with me

Still take the time to read and comment 

And generally put a lot of time and effort in to trying to upset me 

Funny that....

Anyway 

You might have noticed 

That I didn't post yesterday

Unusual for me

But I just had to take 24 hours away from blogger 

After the nastiness that ensued on Thursday

I swear it makes no sense 

People

Usually anonymous writers 

Have a go at me

And when I defend myself 

I'm accused of not being able to deal with constructive criticism 

I just can't win 

No matter what I do 

And I know, I know

I shouldn't feed the trolls

I just couldn't help myself though 

My defenses go straight up

And it's hard not to react

I know I'm making light of it here now

But I really felt attacked 

Not just me 

But my life 

My actions 

My lack of action

My family 

I really thought hard about how much I am putting out there

And was almost at the point where I wanted to stop writing 

But 

As with a lot of things 

Time passes

And things settle down

They always do

For every negative commenter 

There are 100 positive ones 

Just like the emails I got this morning

They override any bit of nastiness

In other business

I have some really exciting news to share with you 

I was in my local shop the other day

I always read the notice board there

Ads 

Jobs 

Things for sale 

When something caught my eye

A charity called St. Vincent de Paul had some jobs available 

I read through the notice 

A part time position

18 -24 hours per week

Working in their assisted living accommodation

It's like a nursing home 

Except the residents are quite well

And can mange mostly on their own with a little help from staff

The duties involve companionship of the residents 

Light house work

And catering duties

The minute I read it through I got excited 

It's exactly what I want 

Part time 

No pressure 

No stress

I took a photo copy of the notice

And headed home

The minute I got home

I went to a quiet room

And phoned the number

I got through to a very pleasant lady 

Who told me all about the job

The closing date for application is next Wednesday 

So she said I could pop in today to get an application form

Which I did this morning 

The house itself is lovely and calm

With classical music playing

And a lovely serene feeling 

I spoke to one of the girls working there 

Collected my application

And went on my way

I looked over the application just now

It's very straight forward 

And I think with some help

I can make a good case for myself 

I have a variety of work experience 

From dance teacher to bank worker 

I also have experience working with the elderly 

As I helped a lot with my grandad when he was alive

I also help my elderly neighbour 

I walk her dog 

Do shopping and errands for her

And help her with day to day things during the week 

So I'm hoping I have a good shot at this job 

I just feel excited when I think about it

To be part of the working world 

To have an occupation

And one that really helps people

The work is evenings 

So it wouldn't effect my daily routine with Honey and Lea 

It seems like it would fit so well in to my life 

God I hope I'm not getting my hopes up too much 

My sister is great 

She's helping me sell myself 

And really put my best foot forward 

She says that I can say I am a free lance writer at the moment

And I guess I can say that 

As I have been published a few times recently 

Play to your strengths and all that 

It's also motivation to stay well and healthy 

God knows I won't be able to hold down a job if I am underweight and ill

So you guys 

I'm really going to go for it 

And give it my best shot 

I just have a feeling that this is meant for me 

You know?

Anyway 

Wish me luck 

And as ever 

I will keep you posted.....

Over to you....

I got a couple of emails this week

One from Lebanon

And one from Singapore 

Both from readers who decided to reach out

I can't tell you how much I love getting emails like this 

From readers

On the other side of the world 

Who read my words 

Relate 

Identify 

Who follow my story 

I know a small amount of you

Some I know really well

A core group of you who post regularly 

And read every day

But as I wrote yesterday

There are so many more of you that I don't know 

Those of you who read in silence 

Who don't comment or email 

So I am inviting you today

To reach out

To beak your silence 

Let me know who you are 

Where you are from 

What age you are

Maybe you are a young girl

Or maybe you are a mama yourself 

And are worried about your or your child's behaviour 

Maybe you are a new reader 

Or maybe you have followed me from the start 

Maybe you have an ED

Or some other mental illness

Maybe you are scared 

Alone 

At the end of your tether 

You might be holding on by your finger tips 

Or maybe you have already let go

And you are free falling

On the other hand 

Maybe you are in recovery

Or at least heading that way 

Maybe you are somewhere in between 

Wherever

And whoever you are 

I'd love to hear from you

Let me know who you are

What keeps you going?

What scares you?

What are your hopes and dreams?

What makes you tick?

I share so much of myself here on this blog

I would love to hear from some of you 

Comment

Email 

Text 

Smoke signal

Morse code 

Whatever the medium

Let me know who you are....

Statistics

I check my stats from time to time 

To remind myself that people do read

When I feel like I am shouting in to the abyss that is the internet 

And no one is hearing or reading

I also like to see where my traffic comes 

And what search words led people to my blog

My blog comes up on the first page of Google when you type in certain words to do with EDs and addiction

This is both exciting and scary

As you know

I don't write anonymously 

I'm honest about my struggle 

My face is out there for all and sundry to see 

And I don't hold back

I guess I don't know any other way to be Recently 

I've been wondering about my stats 

And how they compare to the average stats of a blogger

I get on average 

Between 400 and 1000 hits a day 

I don't know if that is a lot or a little

As I have nothing to compare it to 

Obviously I know some of you

But there seems to be hundreds of you that read and I don't know 

I'm interested to find out who you are 

I also like to check views from the top ten countries 

The U.S. and the UK come in first and second 

And then other countries like Russia And Norway and Malaysia also feature 

It still boggles my mind 

That people from all over the world read my blog

I'm hoping that it is a force for good

And helps readers in some small way

This blog is a huge part of my life 

It's more than a hobby at this stage 

I treat it more like a job

Albeit an unpaid one 

But still a job of a kind 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you

How many hits a day does your blog get?

Do you check your stats much?

Do you write anonymously or not?

What are your reasons for this?

I'd love to know.....

Tuesday 12 January

January is a tough month

It's dark

It's cold

It's so very hard to get up of a morning

It's getting so cold that we are expecting snow 

Now I happen to love snow

But only if I don't have to go out in it

Lying in bed this morning

The wind howling

The rain pelting off the window 

It feels like the end of the world it's so noisy

Trying to get up out of a warm cosy bed is sheer torture

The dogs woke me up this morning

Lea began barking at about 8am

I always get up when I hear Lea

As she only ever barks when she has to pee

So I jumped out of bed 

Ran to the kitchen 

In to the utility room

Where Lea was waiting patiently at the back door 

I let her out 

And promptly ran back down to bed

Where I allowed myself another 15 glorious minutes 

So far 

In this post 

I am doing a sterling job at writing about anything other than how I am struggling at the moment 

I am struggling 

And it's nothing to do with the time of year

Or the cold 

Or the darkness 

I feel like I am dragging myself through life at the moment

My days are punctuated with eating and purging 

I can't say I am bingeing 

As the amounts of food I am eating are typical portions

But 

It's still too much 

Any amount is too much 

It has nothing to do with weight anymore 

I could be 5 stone or 50 stone

It doesn't matter anymore 

My head is well and truly wrecked 

I get up 

Walk the dogs 

Take my meds 

Blog

Zone in and out in front of the TV for a while 

All the while eating and purging 

And weighing a ridiculous amount too

My mood yo-Yoing as my weight fluctuates 

I spoke to my Mam last night

About the possibility of going back in to treatment 

I don't know if it's a knee jerk reaction

Or just an overwhelming need to do something about my situation

I am probably thinking prematurely 

I mean 

I have just started seeing Mary again

I should give that a chance first 

And anyway 

By my own admission

Treatment and that environment never really worked for me 

From home 

It's easy to slip in to the thinking 

That if I go to treatment

They will make me better 

But of course it's not like that 

You have to do the work 

You have to make you better 

And for me 

It seems that I do better from home

So that is plan A

I can think about treatment when and if I need to 

I think my psychiatrist is right though

My mood has dipped in to a depression

Death doesn't scare me

Life scares me more 

The last time I saw Breda 

She that I was 'too young and too talented' to sit at home wasting my life away

But the thing is 

And as I am getting older 

Anxiety about the smallest thing is swallowing me whole

My writers group started last night 

I couldn't even peel myself off the couch 

Never mind get out the front door

Now it's the next morning 

And I am so sorry that I didn't go 

I told myself that I need to focus on my health first 

And I do 

But I also need to break this pattern of anxiety 

And running away from life 

I am hoping that seeing Mary will help

And possibly an increase of my meds 

It was when I was put on Prozac almost two years ago that I was able to pull myself out of the binge purge cycle 

It really helped 

I Am now on 40mg

And the professionals talked about increasing it to 80mg

Which I am not opposed to 

Whatever works right?

I know sooner or later I am going to have to take a leap of faith where recovery is concerned

Either take a chance on living my life 

Or stay in my illness

Where yes 

It's safe 

It's comfortable 

But I know I am missing out on so so much

Friends 

Social events 

Education

Jobs 

Hobbies 

Boyfriends

Dating 

Travelling 

Life!

I am just so afraid 

And it's keeping me paralysed 

Stuck in this house 

This room

This illness 

And the older I get 

The harder it is to do all these things 

Before I know it

It's going to be too late 

Anyway 

I'm hoping with the help of the professionals 

I can turn this around 

And turn this relapse from a negative thing

In to a positive learning experience 

Even though it may seem like it

I'm not giving up

Not one little bit 

I'll fight until the bitter end 

Right now 

I am just tired 

I feel like part of me is crumbling under the weight of all this stress 

I am lucky though 

I have an amazingly strong family around 

Who are my back bone 

My Mum is endlessly patient 

And kind

When I get upset 

And feel like all is lost 

She is the one who dries my tears

And helps put the pieces of my life back together 

She always tells me with such conviction

That I will get better 

I will be all right 

She is so convincing 

That I can't help but believe her

So 

The plan is 

To engage with Mary, Breda, my doctor, my psychiatrist 

Eat little and often 

Purging as little as I can manage 

Take it easy 

Rest 

Spend time with my dogs and family 

Meet with good friends 

Don't beat myself up 

Don't be hard on myself 

Focus on the positive 

The good things in my life 

Build myself up physically And mentally 

Allow myself to eat the things I want to eat 

Listen to my body

And give it what it needs 

Don't isolate 

Surround myself with good and positive people 

Who will help me through this 

In short 

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other 

And keep going 

As I always say 

Baby steps all the way

As baby steps add up to be great strides