On the mend...

Apologies for not posting as much 

Or as frequently

Or as consistently lately 

I guess it's a good thing though

As it means my real life is full and busy

And I don't have time to blog as much

This week has been busy to say the least

Appointments

Three meetings 

Horse riding 

It's all good right now

I slept like a log last night

And woke up this morning

Still wrecked 

And my legs

Man my legs are in such pain today

All along the inside and outside of my thighs

I feel like a did a strenuous exercise class 

It's sore 

But it's a good feeling

And the tiredness is a good feeling too

It feels like I've been active and energetic 

And that makes a rest feel well earned 

I've been on a high since my first session horse riding yesterday

I feel dare I say it, happy..

Uplifted 

Re-energised 

Re-invigorated

And it feels amazing  

To find something that I love to do is huge progress for me

I've always loved animals 

And did a bit of horse riding over the years 

I feel like it's something I can really throw myself in to 

And even though it's an hour away

And a bit of an effort to get there 

It's so worth it to go

As I get so much out of it

I had my breakfast this morning

And headed out with the dogs 

When I got back

I sat down with a cup of tea 

And promptly fell asleep 

I woke up just in time to get to the local lunch time meeting 

Even though it would have been so nice to stay asleep

I know I need my meetings right now

And what a lovely meeting it was 

Food for the soul 

And peace of mind for the brain

After the meeting 

I went food shopping 

And then on to the village to see Mary

It was so great to tell her about all the good things that have happened this last couple of weeks

I could see it in her eyes

She was delighted 

Mary always says that it's funny the way things happen 

My Mum coming in to the session last week

The horse riding 

Meetings 

She always says that success breeds success

And she is so right 

One good thing leads to another

And so on

And so on.....

I feel like I have so much more energy now

And feel more positive 

It feels like anything is possible 

Recovery 

Work 

Friends 

Hobbies 

It's all there for me

I just have to reach out and grab it

Of course

Life 

Recovery is not straight forward

I still have a lot of work to do

My food has improved, yes

But the purging is proving difficult to knock on the head 

I just have to keep trying

And hopefully I will get there 

All in all

Things are heading in the right direction

And I feel like if this can all happen in one week

Then what else can happen if I continue to persue recovery?

There are a few other exciting things happening in relation to Eating Disorders Awareness Week

Which I will get to next week 

And am super excited about 

So until tomorrow my friends....

Horse therapy

Today was the day that I've been waiting for all week

My first session of horse therapy

As you know 

I am a huge animal lover 

Especially dogs and donkeys and horses

So I was super excited to go horse riding today

My appointment was at 1pm

So my sister and I left the house at about 11 30am

As we had to stop in town on the way 

We both did our bits and bobs 

Then went for a cuppa and a sausage roll

I always thought that I didn't like sausage rolls

But dipped in tomato sauce

It was moorish and delicious 

We finished up

And as I was heading out of the coffee shop

I ran in to a guy from the meetings and his dog

We chatted for a couple of minutes 

Before making our way back to the car 

We gave ourselves an hour to get to the stables 

Just in case we got lost

Which was very possible given our basic instructions 

In the end 

It wasn't too hard to find 

In fact you couldn't miss it

It was a huge house 

With a stables beside it

It was a beautiful bright and clear day

So the whole set up looked amazing

So green

So peaceful and tranquil 

We parked and I headed for the big barn

A pretty dark haired lady greeted me

And said she would be with me in a few minutes 

My sister and I took the opportunity to walk around

Get our bearings

And pet some of the horses

Then another girl came over to talk to us 

She was really friendly

And we were made feel so welcome

About ten minutes later 

They were ready for me 

I changed in to my wellies 

And followed the lady to the stables

She introduced me to Star the pony

Who would be my pony for the session

He was a handsome fella

White with brown patches 

Who apparently liked to bite people 

We brought Star in to the arena

My sister stayed well back as she is afraid of horses

The girls joked that they were going to put her up on the biggest, maddest horse they had

My sister nearly lost her life!

I was able to get on the horse straight away 

Which was awesome

I felt comfortable 

No fear at all

The girl led us around 

Giving me time to get used to the horse 

It felt amazing to be riding 

And soon 

We began to move quicker

And we started to trot

There is a kind of rise and fall rhythm to trotting 

At first I couldn't get in to it 

But after a few minutes 

It began to feel natural

And I didn't have to think about it 

The girls were really encouraging 

And said I was a natural

Which was lovely to hear 

We walked and trotted for the next half hour 

I felt so comfortable

So at home 

And was sad when our time was up

It flew by

And I just wanted to do more and more 

The  two girls taking the session were lovely 

So welcoming and patient  

I haven't felt such happiness for a long time 

After the session 

We had a little chat

And I asked the girls how often I should come 

The said every week is ideal

In order to continue to make progress

They also asked me if I would like to join a group

As they could leave me on my own then

I said I'd love to do that 

So made an appointment for next Wednesday morning with the group

Who are MS sufferers

And the best part was 

This only costs me €15 a session

I mean that's for nothing!!

Anyway

Less words

More pictures....

Quick question

I really want to revamp my blog

The layout

The design

I'm sick to my back teeth looking at the photo of myself on the title of my blog

I don't want anything fancy

Just clean

Easy to read

And understand 

Simple

Yet classy

This is where you come in

I am something of a technophobe

So I was wondering if you could help me restyle my blog

Can you recommend any sites to build my blog?

Where did you get your design?

Do you have any tips on designing my blog?

Any short cuts?

Any help is much appreciated

Thanking you in advance....

Sunday/Monday

Yesterday was tough

I woke up in the morning 

Feeling good that I had got my ass to a meeting 

But I wasn't feeling physically great

I know I am struggling these days 

Because walking my dogs is a struggle 

Usually I am out with them first thing in the morning

But at the moment it's not something I look forward to 

It doesn't help that it's freezing cold here 

Lea is giddy until she is brought for a walk

Honey can take it or leave it

But I do try my best to bring them every day

If not my sister will bring them

Yesterday was a bright but cold day

So we decided to go to the long beach about 15 minutes away 

We all bundled in to the car

And headed off 

This particular beach is frequented by surfers and other out door pursuits

We parked in the car park

And made our way down the steep incline to the shore

This incline is all loose stones 

And can be quite treacherous 

But we made it down 

And started walking across the beach 

Lea especially loved the beach

She runs around like a lunatic 

Jumping and rolling in the sand

Running so fast and enthusiastically that her tail rotates

To be honest 

I wasn't really enjoying the walk

But I walked as far as I could

And then turned back

We arrived at the incline again 

But I was starting to feel weak

My sister went on ahead 

And soon I started to feel really breathless and dizzy

I felt massive pressure on my head

My vision blurred

I was sure I was going to pass out

I looked for somewhere to sit down 

And found a large rock nearby

I tried to take deep breathes 

But I was only about one third of the way up the hill

I thought I would never make it back to the car 

Heaving myself off the rock

I tried to continue on 

But again

Dizziness and weakness overcame me

And I sat down again 

By now 

My sister had realised that something was wrong 

And walked back down to meet me 

I linked her and tried to walk again

But soon had to sit down again

And put my head between my knees 

I really thought I was going to hit the de k

I felt like this the morning I had my last pancreatitis attack

Except I had no pain this time 

My sister helped me to the car

And finally made it there 

I collapsed in to the seat 

So relieved to be back and able to sit down 

We arrived home 

And my sister made me eggs and toast

I then retired to the couch to rest

I felt terrible 

And looked even worse

I slept for a good while 

When I woke up 

I felt a lot better 

But this is a warning sign 

That my body is hurting 

I am hurting it 

This bout of weight loss is really taking its toll

It seems that I have a lot of work to do in that area

Monday morning 

And doctor day for me 

We left a bit earlier this morning 

As the roads were frosty 

I arrived at the surgery for my 9am appointment 

I had just sat down 

When my doctor called my name 

As I followed him in

He said he had a student in with him today 

And was that ok

He regularly has students in observing 

And I have no problem with that 

I took a seat in his room 

The student greeted me

I said hello back 

My doctor and I chit chatted for a while 

I told him about the job

He said that he didn't want to say it last week

But he thought that I wouldn't get it due to lack of experience 

He was delighted that I got the other job though

I also told him about the horse therapy

We were all done and dusted quickly

I collected my script

And said thanks and goodbye 

Another Monday over 

Another week begun 

Now that my real life is beginning to come together

There are some things that I need to address 

My weight is a pressing problem

As in the last week it has plummeted 

I feel it 

I feel underweight

I don't feel well

I don't feel healthy

My body is crying out for nourishment t 

And I'm not giving it

Also 

I've been thinking about this blog 

And how open I am 

A lot of people read every day 

And though I am not at all ashamed about my blog or my life 

I am starting to wonder if maybe I should protect myself a bit more 

Maybe not be quite so open and frank 

I just worry about employers finding it 

Don't get me wrong 

I have nothing to hide 

But I don't want to leave myself in a vulnerable position 

Where the whole world knows my business 

I don't kid myself 

I know my problems are small fry compared to some people out there 

But I almost feel a duty to share my story 

In the hope that it will help others as well as myself 

Although I can see the benefits of being a open blogger 

There are also benefits to writing anonymously 

But as you know 

I am an all or nothing person

So I share either everything or nothing 

As my blog has grown 

I guess I have been more wary of what I write here

And I have gone back and deleted posts that maybe exposed me too much 

I also think about the negatives to blogging

The hate 

The anonymous comments that love to point out where I am going wrong

I ask myself the question

Is it worth it?

Is it worth the hassle?

The cruel comments 

Being judged

Being attacked 

Do the negatives out weigh the positives?

I ask myself this question regularly 

And most of the time

I come to the conclusion that it is worth it 

I do think it's unfair to judge though 

If there is one thing I don't do

Is judge people

I have learned over the years 

That people are the way they are for a reason

Who am I to judge? 

I am no better or no worse than anyone else

Judging others is dangerous ground

No one is perfect 

No one is infallible 

We all do silly things 

Make stupid mistakes 

That's the nature of us humans 

The trick is to learn from it 

And not repeat it 

Look

I am doing my best with the cards I have been dealt 

I try every day to be a good person

I try not to hurt myself or others 

I try to be the best person I can possibly be 

But of course I mess up from time to time 

It's human nature 

The important thing is to keep going 

Keep fighting 

Keep hoping 

And believing 

We have to forgive ours and others mistakes 

Or else what is the point?

I have a lot to look forward to now 

So much to live for 

I need to get back on track

Need to be as well as I can be

So I can start my job

So I can begin horse therapy 

So I stay healthy both physically and mentally 

At the age of 34 

My life is just beginning 

Just starting to happen

I know that I have a real shot now 

At being happy 

Content

And most importantly 

Having peace of mind 

That is my goal 

Just to have a quiet mind 

I can get there 

I truly believe I can and you can too

Mission Complete....

It's Sunday morning

And I am sat

Crosslegged

On my living room floor

With a hot cup of tea

And the TV on in the background

I wrote yesterday about going to a meeting

And I am pleased to tell you that I did in fact go to a meeting last evening 

It was quite strange really

But in the last couple of days 

I have been feeling like I have to get to a meeting 

Usually I would rather eat my own foot than go to a meeting

But yesterday it just felt urgent that I get to one 

The meeting was about half an hour away

So I asked my Mum to come 

As I have often been on my way in to said meeting 

And ended up somewhere completely different 

So what has kept me away from the meetings?

Anxiety mainly 

And fear that people don't like me 

But yesterday 

Well

I was able to put those fears aside for some reason 

I'm not quite sure why 

But I jumped on the opportunity to try and make some real progress

Mum and I left the house at about 5 20

I was so anxious and nervous on the way in 

That I couldn't even talk 

I just kept thinking 

It'll be over before i know it

We arrived at the building 

There were only two cars in the car park

I looked up to one of the windows where the light was on 

I could see movement 

People I didn't recognise 

I took a deep breath

Opened the car door

And headed for the entrance 

Walking in

My body felt weak and heavy with nerves

Walking up the stairs 

I could barely lift my feet

I felt like I was going to hit the deck

But I kept going 

I came to a closed door 

I could hear voices beyond 

I silently reached for the handle 

And pushed in

I scanned the room quickly

Three guys 

I didn't recognise any of them 

The meeting had started 

So I took the nearest seat 

And took deep breathes to calm down 

Just then the door opened 

And a girl walked in

She smiled at me as she came in

I smiled back

And she took a seat opposite me 

I don't know if you know how meeting s work 

But at the start 

The literature is read out 

Which takes about 15 minutes 

Then the meeting is opened 

And people can share 

Although there is no pressure 

You don't have to speak a word if you don't want to

I had told myself that I wouldn't speak 

Just to get myself in the door 

But being there 

And feeling the magic of the programme 

I decided to say a few words

I didn't say anything too personal

Just a bit about myself 

And my story 

I finished up 

And the final literature was read out 

We stood in a circle to say the serenity prayer 

And that was it

It was over 

I spoke to the girl for a while afterwards

She gave me her number 

Which I thought was really nice of her 

All in all

It was a good experience 

And I'm glad I went 

But I know the real test for me 

Is going when I don't want to go

When I think I don't need to go 

When it's raining outside 

And I am cosied up beside the fire and don't want to leave the house 

Usually 

People in recovery count their clean time 

I never have 

Because I never got any substantial amount of clean time to count 

But I can see the benefit of it

From counting my smoke free time

So I've decided to start today 

St. Valentine's Day 

Day number one 

As always 

Thank you for your continued support 

It means more than you know

Meeting

I'm going to do it 

I'm finally going to do it 

After over a year of avoiding it

And putting it off 

I'm going to go to a meeting this evening

My Mum is coming for support

I feel I need someone just to be there 

To talk me out of it if I decided to back out

No better woman than my mother for this 

I can't lie

I feel scared

Beyond anxious

And my nerves are shot

I'll go

But I don't think I'll speak

The goal is to just be there

To listen 

To soak up the recovery 

And the positivity 

To connect with others 

And do something good for myself 

I'll be leaving at 5 30pm

For the meeting at 6pm

Until then 

I am trying to stay busy 

And keep calm 

Wish me luck

I'm going to need it.....

28

As of this morning 

I have lost two stone in weight

28 pounds

I looked back over my notebooks 

Where I carefully recorded each weight 

I started losing weight in November

And have steadily lost since then

I'm not sharing this with you to brag

To boast 

Equally 

I'm not sharing it with you to concern you

Or worry you

It's not something I'm proud of

I'm sharing it with you because it stops here 

I can't go on like this

Or I will be back in hospital before you say possible relapse 

I have much to look forward to now

My horse therapy

My job 

My ED is gone in to panic mode

As it knows I am fighting back 

But just because I have things to look forward to 

Doesn't mean they recovery will miraculously happen

The habits of a half a life time are hard to change 

But 

I'm not going down without a fight 

It's time to close ranks 

Use my supports 

Use every bit of ED knowledge I've ever required

And fight like hell 

But what exactly does fighting entail?

It's not quite a physical fight

It's behavioural 

Its psychological 

It's emotional

It means eating three meals a day 

At the table

With my family 

It means no purging 

Which is the big one

I haven't gone a day without purging in years 

It has become just another habit in my life

I wake up 

Brush my teeth 

Eat something 

Purge 

It has become so normal that I don't even think about it anymore 

I had come to a place where I had accepted that purging was part of my day

And wasn't going anywhere

But Mary assures me that it's possible to have a life beyond my ED

She speaks so passionately about the fact that I can do this 

That I can recover 

Sitting in between my Mum and Mary yesterday 

Two amazingly strong women

Who both believe in me 

It was powerful 

I couldn't have two better women on my side 

I dont need to tell you how blessed I am

Finally 

It seems like things are slotting in to ace for me 

The jigsaw that is my life is starting to come together 

It's thrilling 

It's terrifying 

It's venturing in to the unknown

I can't lie 

I am petrified 

But I am ready 

I am so ready 

For the next phase of my life 

For recovery 

From both my ED and my addiction

I swear I am going to get to a meeting this week if it kills me

Screw the anxiety 

Screw the fear

This is about my getting well 

That's my priority right now

I know that I can do something when I set my mind on it

I'm now 18 months smoke free

And let me tell you

I was a dedicated smoker 

I joke with my sister that when I start earning money

I'm going to take it up again

But I know I won't 

Going back isn't an option 

I find that once I get my head around something 

Then I can do it 

Like with smoking 

Mentally giving up was half the battle

I'm sure it will be a similar situation with the purging

I just need to establish a new habit

A new pattern 

A new way of doing things 

I guess at first 

Distraction will be the name of the game

After eating 

I need to distract, distract, distract!

Get out of the house

Walk the dogs 

Go for a drive

And stay away from bathrooms

I know it will be tough

At first it will be uncomfortable

As my body gets used to keeping food down 

It will be a strange sensation

Actually letting my food digest

But it's something that has to be done

If I want t hold down a 30 hour a week job

I need to be healthy

I need to feed my body 

When I'm busy

I know I find it hard to eat

Do I will have to make a considered effort to keep my body fueled and fed

And to keep on top of my health

And not just exist on energy drinks 

So yes

There is much to look forward to 

And much work to do 

I have about three months before I start work to get on track

And hopefully the horse therapy will really help build my self esteem and confidence

As i know I am going to need a lot of these things on my work 

But 

I'm ready 

Come on life

Bring it on....

The first photo below was taken last November

And the following one this morning