Struggling

I'm almost a week purge free

And that is great

Nothing short of a small miracle

But I have to be honest

It's not easy

Not one little bit

I'm trying to eat proper meals and snacks

I have one slice of toast in the morning

Maybe soup for lunch

And whatever is going for dinner

Usually 

I would eat a big portion

As it wouldn't be staying down 

So it didn't matter how much I ate

But now 

I have to be more mindful and more careful with my portions

And I must admit 

I have been avoiding carbs

As hey make me feel way too full

I guess that my stomach has shrunk over the years 

And now any amount of food is uncomfortable

I feel like I am eating 

But the food isn't going any where

It's just sitting in my gut 

Take yesterday for example 

We were having chips and fish fingers and beans for dinner

I had four fish fingers and a small portion of beans 

No chips 

As I knew they would fill me up completely 

Even though I only had a small portion for dinner 

The whole evening long I felt so full

So bloated 

And so uncomfortable 

This is exactly the reason why I purged so much 

Because I couldn't handle the full feeling

And now I am feeling full all day

It's doing my head in!

Last night 

I felt like I was losing the plot I was in so much discomfort 

My mother suggested that I drink some hot water and lemon

And use a hot water bottle 

The lemon drink did help

The discomfort subsided 

And it felt like the food was moving along

I went to bed early 

As I was wiped out

I woke up in the middle of the night 

And had the worlds longest wee

Then another one early morning

And another one when I got up

So I'm thinking that I was retaining water 

And the lemon drink helped my digestion

I knew this would happen 

I knew there would be a period of time when my body was readjusting to not making it purge several times a day

And I know it will settle down 

When my body gets used to having food inside it 

I just need to be patient 

And ride it out

They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit 

I am almost one third of the way there 

I have had horrendous cravings to purge 

To get the food out of my stomach 

To feel empty

But I am determined not to purge 

I have very valid reasons too

I want to keep my teeth in good shape 

I don't want to get an infection in my lip

I can't afford to keep up with the amount of food I was eating 

And for my general health and 

Well being 

Not to mention the freedom and peace of mind that comes with a life without bulimia/anorexia

It's just not worth it 

And as for my weight

I'm just going to have to suck thTttttat up too

I just can't wait for the bloating to subside 

I feel like I am full of air

Like if you stuck a pin in me

I would deflate and fly around the room like a balloon 

I just hope this passes soon 

I can't take much more......

Doctor

I know I say it every Monday morning

But the weeks are just whizzing by

A bit too fast for my liking 

But as they say

Time waits for no man

Or something to that effect

Yesterday was Mothering Sunday 

We got my mum a candle and a mug

As well as a little creamer and sugar bowl

We had dinner in the house 

Then watched a movie

I hate Sunday's 

But as they go

It was a nice one 

Then up this morning for my appointment at nine

My sister was with me

As she had an appointment too with Nice Woman Doctor

I went to check in 

The receptionist told me that my usual doctor wasn't there 

So they put me on Nice Woman Doctors list

I was disappointed that he wasn't there this morning 

As I wanted to know what he thought of the piece of writing I gave him

But 

That will have to wait until next week 

Nice Woman Doctor called me in pretty much straight away

I followed her to her room

And took a seat

The first thing she said to me was that the strain has gone from my face 

That I look more relaxed

And asked me how I was doing 

I explained that things had improved since the last time I saw her a few weeks ago

I filled her in about the horses 

The job I will start in May 

And going back to meetings 

She asked me how my food was going

I told her it was a lot better 

And haven't purged in a few days

Today is actually day 5

I miscounted yesterday 

The doctor filled out my script

And I went on my way 

My sister also had an appointment with her this morning

Straight after me 

So I headed up to the pharmacy 

The usual pharmacist is back from maternity leave

I welcomed her back 

And tried to make conversation

But she was so cold

Answering in me word answers 

Anyway 

I got my meds 

And went back to my car to wait for my sister 

In other news 

My scale tell me that I have put on ten pounds since last week

I asked members of my family to stand on it to see if they were getting incorrect readings 

For each of them 

It gAve a misreading

My clothes also don't feel any tighter 

And I don't think I look any different

So I'm thinking my scale is wrong

I mean 

Is it even possible to put on ten pounds in a week?

I'm not so sure 

But 

To be honest 

I don't mind gaining a little weight

I have a few pounds to play around with 

And anyway 

I would rather weigh a little more and feel good 

RAther than be underweight and miserable 

I don't even like the skinny, too thin look anymore 

I used to

I used to like stick arms and legs 

A huge head on a tiny body

Big hollow eyes 

Sunken cheekbones 

Sharp collar bones and hip bones 

Looking like death warmed up 

I now prefer the curvy look

A bit of shape 

With soft curves and a healthy glow

I like when I gave a bit of weight on 

My boobs Are bigger

My thighs have shape

And my bum fills my jeans 

There is nothing wrong in looking like a woman 

A healthy and happy woman

Being severely underweight

Is wearing your pain on your body

Often times we can't find words to express how we feel 

So we use our bodies to do it

No one who is living in an emaciated body is happy 

I guaruntee you that

But I do wish that my weight would settle 

It's pretty traumatic how my weight fluctuates so much 

If it stayed in or around a healthy weight

Then at least I could get used to my body 

The way it yo-yos up and down doesn't give me a chance to get used to my body at a particular weight

My goal weight in treatment was 54kg

Which just about puts me in the healthy range 

I'm a bit off that yet

To be honest 

I would be perfectly happy with that weight

And I think it's when I look my best 

My weight has gone up to 60-62kg in recent times 

And I'm not as comfortable at that weight

And I don't think it suits me

But in reality 

Weight does not matter 

The number does not matter 

As long as I'm not drastically under or over weight 

Then I am doing ok 

I am ok 

Also 

I am loving my new piercing 

And the reaction it is getting 

I feel like I've been bitten by the bug now 

And can't wIt to get another one done 

Where?

I'm not quite sure yet 

Maybe a few in my ear 

Or my belly button 

I do feel like I am living my twenties at the moment 

When I was on my twenties 

I was otherwise engaged 

What with a raging opiate addiction

And a life threatening ED

So effectively I missed my twenties 

And am now doing all the things I never did but wanted to do

It's fun 

It's exciting 

And I'm really enjoying it 

So that it from me today 

Happy Monday everyone

And see you on the next post....

Day 3

Today is my third day purge free

I know it doesn't sound like a lot

And millions of people around the world manage to go their whole lives without purging

But to me 

This is huge

I haven't gone a a whole day without purging in years

I shit you not

They say a million mile long journey starts with a single step

And often that first step is the most difficult

I knew that if I went ahead with this piercing 

Then purging was just out of the question

I looked after my nose ring very carefully 

And managed not to let it get infected 

I'm sure oral piercings are more likely to infect 

And I'm sure rinsing it in stomach acid and regurgitated food is not very good for it

So 

I've had to change my eating habits 

No binge food 

Which is a shame on one hand 

But a relief on the other 

My portions are smaller 

And to begin with

I am avoiding very filling foods like pasta and rice and potatoes

Hopefully i can introduce those foods at a later stage 

Today for example 

Is Mother's Day

So we are cooking at mums request

She opted for beef stir fry

So I will have a small portion of that 

I can't lie 

Over the last few days 

There have been times when I found myself heading to the bathroom

Out of pure habit

I've had to really be aware 

And physically stop myself from purging 

I miss the relief I get from purging 

The empty feeling 

I swear I feel full all day now

But I'm sure I'll get used to it

Anyway 

I'm loving my new piercing 

And loving people's reactions to it

I went to mass this morning with my Mum and my neighbour 

I got more than a couple of funny looks 

But that's ok

It's funny to me

Below are some close up photos 

So you can see it better 

In the first one the bar looks crooked 

But it's actually the way I'm holding my mouth 

Not the bar

What do you think???

Saturday

It's day one with my new piercing

I am carefully

Almost obsessively looking after it

I bought alcohol free mouth wash

To rinse my mouth twice a day

And also ear buds 

To clean it with salt and water

I am terrified of it getting infected 

So am being super duper careful

I've heard a couple of horror stories

About people who continued to purge after getting an oral piercing 

And went on to develop painful and unsightly infections

I am determined not to let that happen 

And haven't purged since Thursday

It's actually a really good motivator not to purge

So I have stopped bingeing 

And stopped eating anything that I usually purge

I am being careful and considered with my portions 

And stopping eating before I get uncomfortably full

Eating little and often 

And distracting myself after eating 

I'm glad I got the piercing done 

And am going to use it as a symbol

Of my stopping purging

I don't usually count my clean and sober time 

But having seen the benefits of counting my smoke free time 

Marking the first week

First month

First year 

I have started to count my clean time

Since Valentine's Day

It's good because the longer time you get 

The more you don't want to go back

So now I'm going count my purge free time 

Starting 3rd of March

The day before yesterday

Like a lot of things in my life 

Once I wrap my head around something 

I generally can do it 

I did it with cigarettes 

Drugs 

Alcohol

So why not purging?

It's just out of the question at the moment 

And that is a minor revelation

Reactions to my piercing have been varied 

My Mum is horrified

My nephew barely acknowledged it

I've had a couple of double takes from strangers this morning

I live in a small rural area

And there are not many tattoos or piercings to be seen generally

So yes 

I have the only pierced lip in the village 

Lorraine 

The girl who pierced me was great

When I got my nose pierced 

The girl who did was just a little bit unhinged 

She spoke at a rapid rate

And told my sister and I some pretty personal stuff 

How ever 

She did a good job 

And that's the main thing

Lorraine was very professional

Answered all my questions 

I watched her prepare her tools 

She was very careful

And it seemed like she was very used to doing this 

Well I would hope so

It is her job after all

My sister and I chatted to her for a few minutes 

She said that piercings follow trends 

Just like any other item of fashion

She told us that intimate piercings are popular at the moment 

That she had done two the previous day

I had to ask her what exactly gets pierced down there 

'The hood' she replied matter of factly

Ahem 

That is going just a little bit too far for me

I draw the line at a nipple 

Once you get one done though 

It kind of makes you want more 

I can see how that would be the same with tattoos too

I would love to get my tongue done 

And my belly button 

And a few in my ear

I've wanted to get some piercings done ever since I was a teenager

But 

Life intervened 

And I never got around to it

So now 

At the grand ol' age of 34

I am reliving my lost youth

Better late than never I guess

And the pain 

I was pretty much prepared for the pain 

Having had my nose done last year 

I figured my lip would be much more painful and bloody 

I sat on my hands so I wouldn't be able to pull her hands off me

Like I did last time 

I can't lie 

It was bloody sore 

And I did bleed 

And I did swell up

It looked liked I had been punched in the face 

I was actually shaking when it was over 

She asked me if I wanted to lie down for a few minutes

But I said I was ok

All in all 

I really enjoyed getting it done 

And grateful that my sister was with me 

It's exciting and fun to play around with my appearance 

Experimenting I guess

Again 

It's doing things that most people do in their teens and early twenties  

But 

I'm enjoying it 

So why bloody not!

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

What piercings do you have ?

How painful did you find it?

Are there any other ones you'd like to get?

Inquiring minds want to know....

New piercing

I've had a tough couple of days

Yesterday I felt extremely angry

Which is unusual for me

I had a go at everyone

And was provoking my family to have a fight with me

Then I got really emotional and teary

My Mum and my sister were really concerned and thought something had happened 

But there we nothing wrong

At least nothing I could identify

I just felt so out of control

It was really scary

Especially not being able to attribute it to anything

But this morning

It all became clear

I got my period 

Yes 

I was having PMP

Pre menstrual psychosis 

My Mum and sister said that I was being really irrational yesterday

Paranoid even 

It was horrible 

But 

Today I was super excited 

As today was the day that I got my new piercing 

My sister and I travelled to the studio

Which is about half an hour from my house 

I was a little bit nervous 

Anticipating the pain

I figured it would be more painful than my nose

So I was trying to prepare myself 

There was a new piercer in the shop

Her name was Lorraine 

And she was lovely 

Very professional

But with a lovely way about her 

We chatted about my options 

And decided on a vertical bar through my lip

Lorraine prepared her tools 

And I sat on my hands 

So I wouldn't yank her hands away if it got too painful

Thankfully 

It was all over very quickly 

But yes 

It was bloody sore 

I bled quite a bit too

And my lip swelled up nicely 

I looked in the mirror

And I have to admit 

It was a bit of a shock 

I wasn't expecting it to be so visible 

I thought the bar would be smaller 

But I do like 

My Mum and Dad are going to have a fit when they see it!

As I write this 

We are in the car on the way back

I keep checking my piercing 

Dabbing the blood away

I'll have to look after it carefully

And purging is out of the question altogether 

Anyway 

Enough with the words 

Here are the photos....

Wednesday - My favourite day of the week!

And why is that I hear you ask

Well

Wednesday is horse riding day

The day I look forward to all week long

My Dad is visiting for a couple of days 

And he wanted to see the equine centre

So he drove today

And my Mam and sister brought the dogs out

On the way 

We stopped at an ATM

So I could take out some money 

But no matter what amount I asked for

It kept saying 'Insifficient funds'

I immediately began to panic

My first thought was that my disability payment had been stopped for some reason

The social welfare office wasn't far away

But I decided to ring them instead

As I didn't want to be late for horse riding

I got through to a very helpful lady

Who informed me that there had been trouble with the banks 

And that the money should be in by tomorrow 

I was relieved that that's all it was

The last thing I need is for my disability to be cut 

So

We continued on 

And my Dad lent me the €15 for the lesson 

We arrived at 11 30am

Just in time 

I was on Star again

My bestie 

And today I was all on my own 

No one leading me 

Just me and Star

I loved it!

There was another horse in front of us 

And I think Star may have just been following him

But he did what I asked him to do

We trotted a lot

And generally had such great fun

The woman who does it with us said that I am flying it 

Which is nice to hear

I go feel very comfortable on the horse 

I'm not scared

I'm not afraid of falling 

And I can't wait until I start to canter 

And maybe do some little jumps

I can see how it helps with confidence 

As I already feel more comfortable on Star

And I hope he is at ease with me riding him

There are a few people around when we are riding 

And they are lovely 

I'm quiet 

It's obvious my confidence is low 

But I do my best to join in the chat 

It doesn't come naturally to me 

I'm sure it will get easier 

And I won't feel so crippled with anxiety

As ever 

The session was over far too quickly 

I paid 

And we headed off

We stopped off at the pet store on the way back

And picked up some doggy supplies 

Food and chewys 

Then hit the road for home

I'm always really tired after the horse riding 

But it's a nice tiredness

And my ass kills 

But again 

It's a nice pain

A pain where you know you've worked hard 

This really has the potential to be a life changer for me 

It's only my third week

And already I feel massive benefits 

It's better than any pill or potion

Now 

If I could just convince my Mam to get a horse.....

AA

I'm just back from the local lunch time AA meeting

I'm actually really blessed where I live

Because it's a great base to get to a lot of different meetings

I love the lunch time ones

As waiting for the evening ones can make for a very long day

And the day time ones are a great way to kick off the day

I have to be honest though

More often than not

I am looking for excuses not to go

And don't really look forward to them 

But 

When I do go

I am reminded why I need meetings 

I never regret going to a meeting 

And always feel really good afterwards

My first meeting ever 

Was in a detox ward when I was 19

I can still remember the warm and fuzzy feeling I had after the meeting 

That was 15 years ago

And since then I've been in and out of meetings more often than I care to remember 

I seem to stick to the following pattern 

I go to meetings 

I'm really enthusiastic and motivated 

I go to many in a week

And feel really good 

Then I start to pull away

To isolate 

And soon I have talked myself out of going to meetings at all 

So I go through months or years of not going 

Then I find my way back 

And the whole cycle starts again 

They say if you don't get AA

Eventually it will get you 

I also go to NA

So really I gave my pick of meetings 

The last time I was going to meetings 

I depended on one person

If they were going to a meeting 

I would go

And if they weren't going 

I wouldn't either 

I've learned it's not healthy to depend solely on one person

It's better to have many people 

Friends 

A mixture of people 

And before 

I went to meetings for the wrong reasons 

I went to please others 

To get them off my back

Now 

I go because I want to go

Because I want to be clean and sober 

Because I want to be a better person m

And I want to stop hurting myself And others 

There is something very special about meetings 

Maybe it's the way people come together with a common goal 

Maybe it's the miracle that so many people have managed to stay clean and sober 

Maybe it's the energy of people wanting to recover 

Whatever it is 

It works 

And I need to stop fighting it

Stop digging my heels in 

And go with the process 

Easier said than done 

So yes 

I went to the lunch time meeting today

I didn't want to go

But my Mum offered to drive 

So I went 

The meeting is small but lovely 

I spoke last 

After the meeting 

A man came up to me 

And told me that I was doing great 

He told me to keep coming back 

And more will be revealed 

It was very nice of him

And he told me that before I know it

I will be helping others

I left the meeting on a high

High on life 

High on recovery 

Better than any drink or drug

What I took from today

Is that we need each other 

It's so important to connect with other people 

Especially those who are in the same position as we are

It's also important to have face to face connect 

Supporting each other through blogging is fantastic 

There is no doubt about that 

But we really need human contact too

We need to have a hug 

Have a chat over a cuppa 

And just be there for one another 

The world can be put to right over a cup of hot tea and a slice of cake 

Now 

The next time I don't want to go to a meeting 

I need to remember how good I am feeling right now 

And keep the momentum going 

I am feeling so grateful today 

Grateful to have AA in my life 

And to have friends within it

I'm grateful to be clean and sober

That my family are well

And in a good place 

I feel blessed to have this blog

And all of you my wonderful fellow bloggers

Life is good 

Life is sweet 

Let's live it to the best of our ability