On my mind....

Wednesday has been on my mind a lot this week

As in the day I brought my nephew horse riding 

He is great 

He is very independent 

And very much amused himself 

So I went and had a cuppa with Eilis who owns the place 

And another French girl

The three of us were sitting up in the spectating area

Watching the kids ride 

Eilis and Lara were talking ten to the dozen 

And having a great laugh

I however 

Felt like a spare wheel

Like I was crippled with self consciousness 

And couldn't contribute to the conversation at all

I'm just really not good at that kind of thing 

And I withdraw very quickly if I feel at all uncomfortable 

I was struck how these two girls were so comfortable just to be themselves 

Granted 

They are older than me

And probably haven't had to deal with an opiate addiction or an ED

Maybe their lives have been a bit more straight forward than mine 

I'm sure they have had struggles in their lives 

Everyone has 

But from their personalities 

And their confidence 

I can tell they have lived a successful life 

I was just dying to get to help with the horses 

But they had so many helpers 

That Oisin and I were hardly needed at all 

But 

We helped where we could leading the horses 

Helping with lunch for the kids 

Tried to calm them down when they were bouncing off the walls

And drying their tears when they inevitably knocked a head or an arm or a foot 

Or a willy in one little boys case! 

I just felt so awkward and out of place 

Like I didn't fit in 

And was paralysed with fear and anxiety 

I hate being like that

I hate feeling uncomfortable 

And in turn making others feel uncomfortable 

I remember I was at a meeting once

This girl was speaking 

And she was saying how through working the programme 

She could walk in to a room full of people anywhere in the world

And feel comfortable to be herself 

I find that I mirror people back to themselves

If you are quiet 

I'll be quiet too

And if you are more outgoing 

I will try to be too

I guess I just haven't found my own little way yet 

I'm still learning who I am 

What I'm about 

What my opinions and views are

What makes me tick

What I am passionate about 

What angers me

My likes and dislikes 

This is all new to me 

I am new to me

But that's ok 

I am going through growing pains 

Albeit a little later than most people 

But I will get there 

Eventually 

I just really want to build up my confidence and self esteem

And feel ok to be me

As I have often said 

I've had to fight tooth and nail to get to the point where most people start off

It's not easy 

Staying clean and sober 

Managing an ED

It's an effort every single day

But it does get easier 

It definitely does 

And I am in it for the long haul

Oh yes

My ass is committed to this 

I guess we don't always see progress on ourselves 

I see it in others 

I see them grow in to beautiful young men and women 

But we don't see it in ourselves 

I definitely don't see it in myself 

I just have to trust that it is happening 

Whether I notice it or not 

I found another course that I am interested 

It's running in the local women's centre 

Communications and IT 

It's a year long 

And starts next month

Two afternoons a week 

Which is perfect for me 

As I could fit in all my other things around that 

I rang yesterday 

And out my name down 

Now I have a decision I need to make 

Go ahead with the job

Or concentrate on learning and furthering my education 

It's hard to know which one to choose 

As both would be great for me

I guess it's time to do a good ol' fashioned pros and cons list

And see which one comes out on top

But you know what?

It's great to be in a position where I can choose 

It wasn't so long ago that I had no options at all

So that my friends, is progress 

I have a little time to sort this out

I will chat  with my family

And try to figure this out

Suggestions and thoughts are welcome

I need all the help I can get....

Starry starry night....

I bring this post to you a tired but very happy Ruby

Yesterday was a lovely day

It started early 

I had a quick cuppa before going down to meet sister number two

We left her house at about ten

And picked up my nephew from his Dad's on the way

Then we headed out to the equestrian centre

The centre is about an hour from my door to their door

But I enjoy it so much 

I don't mind the journey at all

The pony camp was on this week

And myself and my nephew arrived at about 11am to help out

There were about ten kids 

I was watching them ride 

And they were amazing!

Theses kids were from age 6 - 12

And they were well able to ride 

I was seriously impressed

There were a lot of helpers there today 

Do there wasn't a whole lot of work for myself and Oisin

But we helped where we could 

Leading the horses 

Giving the kids lunch 

But there was a lot of hanging around

To be honest 

I felt a bit out of my depth 

There were so many people there 

A lot of strong personalities 

And I kind of felt like I was being really quiet and awkward 

I was having a cuppa with the owner

And another girl who is a stunt rider

I felt like a meek little mouse 

My confidence is definitely something I need to work on 

Don't get me wrong 

I loved being there today 

I just felt like I wasn't being myself 

But 

I have to remember 

I am only going a few weeks

And I am working on my confidence and self esteem 

I am

A work in progress 

At about 2pm

We got to ride 

Two of the men from my group also came 

I was so delighted to finally get up and ride

Oisin also got to ride 

He was led around 

And he got to trot

He did so well

I got to canter today 

Which was amazing!

One of the lads called Daniel led me

And I felt like I was going so fast 

I had this big grin on my face

And it felt exhilarating!

Eilis said she will do more with me next week

So that's something to look forward to 

It's all about baby steps 

Growing and improving each week

Oisin loved the place 

Being with the animals 

And being around others who live animals too

It was lovely to do something just be and my nephew 

Animals are something that we really bond over

It's our thing 

And that is very special

Oh

And apparently I am going to be in a horse show in May 

I don't know what I have to do

Or what it's all about 

But I'm sure it will all become clear in time 

I just can't think about it

Or there's no way I'll be able to do it

The lesson finished at about 3pm

I was on Star as usual 

He is my bestie now 

I love him 

He's so patient and gentle 

And I think he mirrors me well

Food presented a bit of a problem today

I had brought a sandwich 

But it turned out that they made chips and sausages there 

I took a plate but coul barely eat any of it

When one of the little boys started crying they he had no sausages 

I gave him mine

So I just had a couple of chips

It was all I could stomach

It was a long day

And to be honest 

I was glad to hit the road for home

I'm just not used to being around so many new people 

And I can be quite shy and quiet

I'm hoping my confidence will improve 

As I don't like being a wall flower 

Eilis tells me my confidence will come on

I hope she is right 

On the way home 

We went to Homeland

Home land is this amazing store

It has a pet centre 

A groomers 

A garden centre 

Clothes 

And loads of DIY stuff and the like 

I picked up food for the dogs

And food for my neighbours dog too

After that 

We made our way home

I felt exhausted 

But still high on adrenaline may the same time

I thought back over the day 

And thought of incidents where I could have been a bit more sociable or chatty 

But look

I did my best 

I will never be loud or brash

It's just not in me

But I hope people will give me a chance 

Because I will eventually feel comfortable around you

And it will be worth the wait 

I promise you that 

I didn't take my meds this morning

As I wanted to be alert and lucid for the day

Usually on my way to the centre 

I fall asleep in the seat

But today I was very lucid and awake

I did feel different having not taken it

I felt hyper alert and sensitive

And had a lot more energy I found

I took it the minute I got home

And instantly felt relaxed 

That is probably a psychological thing 

Just knowing that I've taken it makes me feel better 

Today was great though 

To spend a day doing something I love is an absolute joy 

And to come home and feel naturally tired is so great

I sleep so well these nights 

And I know it's because I am more active 

Even though I am just sitting on the horse 

It is still hard work 

Hard but so enjoyable 

I would love to do more 

Heck I would love to ride every day if I could 

Hopefully during the summer I can do it more frequently 

Horse riding has really captured my attention and imagination 

It's something I wish I had done more of over the years 

But 

Better late than ever right?

We are getting some work done on our bathroom this week

So there are two men here working 

One of the men is called Pat

We have known him since we moved here ten years ago 

He often does jobs around our house 

We were having a cup of tea yesterday 

And he reminded me of what I used to be like 

He said he would call in to the house 

And I would be passed out on the living room floor 

From drinking vodka and abusing my meds 

He used to try to help me 

But I wouldn't listen to him at all

He said that there is such a difference in me now 

And it's true 

I've worked hard to get to place where I am happy and healthy 

Granted sometimes it's two steps forward and one back 

But the important thing is to keep moving in the right direction 

Every morning 

I ask my higher power to help me get through the day without hurting myself or anyone else

And be thankful that night

Horse riding is helping me change my life 

And I just know it will help me with my confidence and self esteem 

Eilis is the lady who runs the place she never asks me about my conditions 

But I would live to tell her about my history 

Of drugs and ED

Just to let her know why I am the way I am

And I am trying to get my life back on track

But she is always so busy 

So it's hard to get a quiet word with her

But I'm sure I will

When the time is right 

I am so paranoid though

I was thinking that they all thought I was the weird quiet girl with piercings in her face

But again

That is my head telling me that 

And my head is not a reliable source of information

But I will keep going

Keep pushing myself to get out and about and live my life 

Push through the fear and the anxiety 

And do the things I want to do 

I think it's so important to move outside our comfort zones 

And do something that tests us and challenges us

Other wise we don't grow and thrive 

I have Mary to thank for hooking me up with Eilis and the horses

Mary works with a girl called Sam

And Sam goes to the centre 

And put the word out about people with mental health issues riding 

Sam was there my first day riding 

And Eilis told me today that she will he there next week

It will be good to see her 

And show her how far I've come

So 

I will leave you here 

I'm going to take it easy today 

And get my strength back 

Hope all is well in your world 

See you in the next post....

Happy Easter!

To all my fellow bloggers and readers

I wish you a very happy Easter

I am still away 

My Mum and I are staying here until tomorrow

My sister and her partner are minding Honey and Lea

I hate to leave them

But at least they don't have to go to the kennels 

My sister absolutely loves them 

So I know they will be well looked after

Still

That doesn't stop me texting ten times a day to see how they are

After visiting the horses yesterday

We headed back in to town

And I went back to Topshop

Where I purchased the blue oversized shirt that I had tried on the day before 

Photos of that to follow...

We went back to the house then

Where we relaxed for a couple of hours 

Before heading out to dinner

The restaurant was called The Yellow Pepper

It was so busy 

And there was a real buzz about the place

We took our seats 

Ordered drinks 

And had a look at the menu 

There were a few things I liked the look of

The beef stroganoff 

Lentil and sweet potato curry

And pork belly 

In the end

I went for the stroganoff 

Mam had the veg casserole

And my uncle had the chicken

Mine was yummy 

I ordered a side of mash with it 

Mash is like my favourite food

And this one was creamy and smooth and extremely delicious 

Stroganoff is made with a paprika, brandy and cream sauce 

And as I made my way through it 

It began to make me feel sick

So I stopped there 

After 

My uncle I shared an apple pie

Whic was also very good

And my uncle kindly treated us to dinner 

So that was nice 

He then went out to the pub

And my mother and I went home

I watched TV for a while 

Before heading to bed

I was asleep in seconds 

So 

Today is Easter Sunday 

I'm not sure what we are doing today 

But I'm sure it will be something good

This part of the country is wildly beautiful

So many lovely beaches

And walks

It's nice to get away for a couple of days 

Although I am a home bird 

A change of scenery can be a tonic 

My uncle is great to stay with

Very laid back and relaxed 

I feel very comfortable here 

In other news 

I am trying my level best to ignore my weight 

To eat intuitively 

Eat when I'm hungry 

Stop when I'm full

No purging 

And no obsessive body checking 

As Mich and a few others pointed out

My dream of a house in the country surrounded by animals will never happen if I choose to maintain my ED

It's one or the other 

I can't have both 

And if I had to choose 

I would choose my dream life any day of the week 

So

It's down to me to put the wheels in motion

And start working towards those dreams 

I can just picture it

An old stone house 

With a half barn door 

Dogs running out to greet you

Maybe chickens and hens in the back 

A field with two donkeys 

Shelley and Jessie 

And of course 

Space for a couple of horses 

I would just be in heaven 

And the thing is

It's not a million miles away 

It's very possible

Very attainable 

As long as I stay well and healthy 

And I want to 

I really really want to 

What are you doing for Easter?

Donegal

Today my uncle, my Mum and I

All headed out to my uncles friends house

He is a former dentist

And him and his wife keep horses

I wasn't able to ride on this occasion

But I was still super excited to see their place

The house was about ten minutes outside of the town

A beautiful stone affair

And I could see the stables to the right of the house

We rang the bell

The door was one of those half barn doors 

Too cute

The man answered and ushered us in to a beautiful old fashioned country kitchen

Where a little dog called Eddy greeted us very enthusiastically 

We were introduced to his wife who was having her lunch 

And then went out the back door

And up to the stables 

They have six horses

And what majestic creatures

These were huge animals 

My little Star looks positively small beside them 

We were shown around 

The stables 

The horse solarium

The horse spa 

The horse exerciser

Oh yes 

These people are hard core horsey folk

It was all fascinating 

I could have stayed there all day

After looking around 

We retired back to the kitchen for tea and cake 

Before we hit the road again

Truly though

I fell in love with the place

That is my dream

To live surrounded by animals

To work with them

Play with them

Just to be around them

Would be my idea of heaven

Anyway

Enough words

On to the photos......

Friday

As my Mum and I both have free travel

We got the bus up north to my uncle Ds 

I started packing two day ago

I love packing 

I love sorting out clothes to wear 

Mixing and matching different outfits

I always bring too many clothes

And usually I buy a couple of things 

So my case is bursting on the way home

We arrived her at about 3 30pm

Dropped our bags off at the house

And then walked in to town

I am on the look out for a nice over sized shirt 

So I had a look in a couple of shops

And tried on a few

Usually I am my usual impulsive self 

And buy something 

But today I couldn't make a decision

And so left the shops empty handed 

We retired to a coffee shop

For tea and a bun

Later on we went out for dinner 

In a local hotel 

I had a burger and chips

But didn't really enjoy it if I am honest

I did enjoy the company and the chat though

After food

We headed back to the house

To relax

And watch some TV 

A nice way to end the day 

Gym monster left an interesting comment on yesterday's post

She made the point that knowing and obsessing about my weight

Is directly linked to my mood

I had to read the post a couple of times 

And had a think about it 

I think she has a point 

Last summer 

I was doing well

I felt good 

I wasn't weighing myself 

I was going by how I felt rather than what I looked like 

I was the happiest I had been in a long time 

So 

The logical thing to do is to stop weighing 

And focus on being healthy 

Instead of being thin 

I've done it before 

There is nothing to stop me doing it again 

Nothing except myself 

And I am notorious for getting in my own way

Trying on clothes today

Looking in mirrors 

I don't hate what I see

I don't particularly like it 

But I don't hate it 

I can live with it 

I'm just so tired of fighting with myself 

Of hating myself 

Of the cruelty and shame that is this illness

I give up 

I'm done trying to win this war

I'm walking away

I'm giving up

That is not to say I'm giving up on life

Not at all 

I'm giving up this God for saken battle 

This war of wills

The only way the ED wins 

Is if I die

I'm not willing to lay down my life in the name of this illness 

Life is too short to play this game of numerical roulette

I don't want this life of guilt and shame 

I just want to live a normal life 

My dream is to have my own place in the country 

A small field where I can keep donkeys 

A house full of dogs 

When I'm thinking about my hopes and dreams 

The size I am doesn't come in to it 

I don't think about my dream life clothes size

I think about things that feed my soul 

Not about what clothes size I fit in to

Does anyone?

I don't know....

Today we are going out to my uncles friend 

Who keep horses

And work with people including autistic kids 

I'm hoping to ride too

If they can fit me in

I spoke to my nephew yesterday 

He is coming out to the horse centre with me on Wednesday 

To help with the pony camp

And then have a lesson in the afternoon

I'm looking forward to seeing the place today 

Horse riding is opening a whole lot of new opportunities to me

And I'm loving that 

It's amazing what can happen when you get off the couch

And venture in to the big wide world 

If we just life our heads 

Stop looking at the cracks in the ground 

And start looking at the world around us 

If we look to our fellows

Instead of naval gazing 

And reach out 

Instead of closing in

I think I have now reached the point of this post where I have officially stopped caring making sense

I am now going to make like Sylvia Plath

And stick my head in the oven 

Only joking 

But only just

I'm off to see what trouble I can get up to

See you on the next post....

Away

My Mum and I are away this weekend 

Not too far though

We are staying with my uncle who lives about 90 minutes north

I am still struggling with my bloggers block

My struggle seems somehow insignificant at the moment 

And I am tired talking and writing about myself 

I'm sure this will pass

It's just a phase 

Sometimes I am blogging enthusiastically every day

Other times it's good to be silent

And right now

I feel like I have nothing of any importance to say or write 

Please bear with me 

I will be back

I promise you that 

Thursday

I've been finding it really difficult to blog this week

I've been experiencing a kind of bloggers block

I just haven't been able to string a coherent sentence together

And I've been avoiding blogger 

There isn't anything wrong as such 

I just don't feel one hundred percent myself 

I feel really tired 

Emotional 

Not present in my own body or mind 

I feel like I don't fit in 

Anywhere 

Not in my own family 

Not at the meetings 

The only place that I'm really enjoying at the moment is with the horses 

I just feel so at home 

And so free when I am up on Star

Like nothing else matters at that moment 

As you know 

I ride with a group of MS sufferers 

And we all leave our troubles at the door 

And just have fun 

Enjoy each other's company

As well as the horses 

There is such a lovely atmosphere there 

And everyone has a lovely time 

Next week 

I am going to help with the pony camp for kids 

And my nephew is coming with me too

We are going to work for the day 

And then have a lesson in the afternoon

So that is something to look forward to 

Apart from that glorious day once a week 

When I forget about my troubles 

Things are tough 

I saw Mary this morning 

It was a long and tough session

We covered a lot 

Family issues

Food 

And of course weight 

She weighed me 

I didn't look 

But then as always 

I asked her what it was 

I had gained one kilo in the last couple of weeks 

Even though it's small amount 

I still had a bad reaction to it 

And immediately began to withdraw and close up

Mary is convinced it's muscle 

As I am a lot more active 

It could be I guess 

But I just wasn't open to suggestion at that point 

It's not so much that fact that I gained a kilo

It's more the fear that I will continue to carry on gaining like this 

And spin out  of control 

We talked about my anxiety around numbers 

They are just numbers Mary said 

But having measured my worth in pounds and ounces for so long

It's hard to escape that prison

That rigid way of thinking 

And the thing is 

Before Mary weighed me this morning 

I felt alright in my body

I bought a new pair of size 8 trousers yesterday 

And I felt I looked something approaching decent 

It was only when Mary weighed me that I had my little meltdown 

Those bloody numbers are the Bain of my life 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you

How you made peace with the numbers in your life?

If yes

How did you do that?

Do you think we should weigh in recovery?

Why do you think that ?

Answers on a postcard please....