W is for weight!

Another ED related post

But there aren't a whole lot of words beginning with W

So weight it is

And it is topical 

Given my last post

First

I want to thank you all for your valued feed back on my last post

I know you all have my best interests at heart

And I really appreciate that

I've decided not to go ahead with the media company

It just didn't feel right

It almost felt like the photos I provided weren't shocking enough

And that is really sad

I could go ahead and share the ones of me in my underwear 

But they are so very personal

I just don't feel at all comfortable with it

You all made some really good points about the story they wanted to run

Emaciated girl gets healthy is a popular theme 

The before and after 

The shocking and the victory 

From illness to recovery 

That story has been told a million times

What about the majority of sufferers who are not underweight?

And who have never been physically compromised

That story is almost never told

Because it's not sensational

There are no emaciated bodies

No pointy bones 

Or sharp angles 

The story of say the girl with bulimia

Who is a healthy weight 

Just doesn't capture the attention of an audience 

But as you wrote yesterday 

It's that story that needs to be told

So people are aware that EDs come in all shapes and sizes

Not just super skinny

I have stopped weighing myself 

My scales broke 

And I was weighing in my doctors surgery on a Monday

But I've stopped doing that now

Why?

Because it doesn't matter 

The number does not matter 

All I'm concerned about 

Is that I feel good

I feel strong 

I feel capable and able

My clothes fit

My hair and nails and skin are healthy

Unless I drastically lose or put on weight

I am not going to worry about it 

And you know what?

It is the best feeling in the world 

Letting go of that pressure and control

I feel like a weight has been lifted off me

Now I have so much to stay healthy for

So much to live for

I am no longer Ruby the anorectic/bulimic/addict

I am in recovery 

I am a work in progress

I am letting go of the ties that bound me

Drugs 

Alcohol

Cigarettes 

Unhealthy food habits

I was at a meeting yesterday

And after it

Someone came up to me

And said that it was really good listening to me

That made my day

Because now I feel I have something to offer the world 

I feel I can help others 

Be a good person 

And spread a message of hope

Because there is hope

There is always hope 

I feel so blessed for what I have in my life 

My family 

My dogs 

My friends 

I have such good and strong people around me 

I know I am more fortunate than most 

If you do one thing today

I urge you to recognise the good things in your life 

The people 

The pets 

The family and friends 

As ED sufferers 

We are so hard on ourselves 

It's time we have ourselves a break

And look to the positives in our lives

Weight has absolutely no correlation to happiness 

If it did 

Then I would have been deliriously happy at my lowest weight 

I wasn't 

Happiness is not a number

It's a state of mind 

V is for Voyeurism!

Part of an ED that can be very sick and twisted

Is other people wanting to see the skeletal body of the sufferer

People like to be shocked  

To me it's voyeurism

Like when you pass a car crash

You can't help but look

I was contacted by a media company a few weeks ago

They asked if they could have an informal chat with me over the phone

And I agreed 

So they rang

And we had a conversation

But straight away 

I felt some red flags popping up

She wanted to know my lowest weight

Smallest clothes size

And seemed very interested in the numbers 

But then people always are 

So I didn't think too much about it

Then they asked for some photos of me when I was underweight 

I really needed to think about that one 

I don't have photos of me at my lowest weight

But I do have photos of me over the years underweight 

I also have a few photos of me in my underwear 

Which my brothers girlfriend took

But they are very personal photos 

And I didn't feel comfortable sharing them

I did however find some photos that I felt ok sharing 

And sent them to the media company yesterday 

They got back to me this morning 

And said the photos aren't suitable 

That they want to see more of my body 

And could I send some more explicit photos 

That right there was enough for me to worry

Like typical media

They wanted the photos to shock

To sensationalise my disorder 

They want to see emaciated bodies 

Pointy bones

And sharp angles 

Which I can understand 

People are curious

They want to know what drives someone to starve themselves in to emaciation

The girl from the media company emailed me back

And told me that they need some photos to show how ill I was 

To contrast with how well I am now 

To be honest 

The girl from the company seems lovely 

And has said many times if I don't feel comfortable doing this 

I can pull out at any time 

So I really don't know what to do

I don't want to be exploited

I don't want to be used

I don't want to be put in a vulnerable position

Where I leave myself exposed

But at the same time 

It is a good opportunity to spread awareness 

And a message of hope 

It's a tricky one 

I emailed the girl back 

And told her thdt I need a couple of days to think about it 

I will speak to Mary about it on Thursday 

I know this is typical media 

Wanting the shock factor 

Something for their readers to gasp at

And to read more 

It seems to me that people ate fascinated with EDs

They want to see the lengths we go to for our illness

They want to see us wasting away

They pity us 

Which I hate 

Because I don't want your pity 

I don't want your sympathy 

It's hard enough to live with an ED without you getting your kicks out of looking at my underweight body 

I'm not a victim

I'm a survivor 

Have you ever experienced this?

U is for Undeterred!

I was having trouble coming up with a word for the letter U

I was going to do underweight 

But after what happened yesterday

It could only be one word 

Undeterred

Rewind to Thursday

I got it in to my head 

That I wanted to do more riding 

And check out the stables in my area

I got a couple of numbers 

But got no answer 

So I decided to call in to an equestrian centre that's about 20 minutes from my house 

I'd been to this centre before 

A few years ago when I did a beach trek with my sisters 

So I knew where it was 

My Dad and I set off 

We drove in to the yard 

And we were greeted by a woman called Rachael who runs the place

I asked her about the possibility of lessons 

She said they don't do adult lessons

As they don't have the demand for them 

But she did say I could book a private lesson

Costing €35 for half an hour

And €45 for an hour 

So I decided to book a half hour lesson for yesterday 

Half an hour doesn't sound like a lot

But when you are riding with no break 

It's exhausting 

The lady asked me about my experience

I said I could trot and canter 

I'm now thinking after what happened I shouldn't have said I could canter

As I've only really done it once 

Anyway 

Sunday came 

And I spent all day looking forward to my 4pm lesson 

The time finally came 

And my Mum and I set off

First I had to get fitted for boots and a hat 

The lady said to me that I had skinny legs

And gave me a pair of children's boots

Ha!

My ED loved that one!

So I got myself kitted out 

And then went around to the stables

Rachael introduced me to my horse called Sonny

And OMG!

He was huge!

Much larger than Star

We went in to the in door arena 

Where I held Sonny until my teacher came 

She came like a ball of energy

Susan was her name 

Something I've noticed 

Is that horse people are hardy 

Very hardy 

The second thing I noticed about Susan 

Was that she had two facial piercings the same as me 

Straight away 

She had me get up on Sonny 

And straight in to a trot

There was no messing around with this girl 

The first thing I noticed about Sonny

Was that he was much faster than Star

An awful lot faster 

But it felt amazing!

Soon she asked me to go in to a canter 

From a trot 

You sit in to the saddle 

And kick and squeeze with your legs 

I grabbed the safety strap

And kicked on 

What happened next happened so fast I can barely remember what happened

Sonny shot off like a bullet 

And completely took me by surprise by how fast he was going 

As he turned the corner

I could feel myself losing control

And began to slip off the side of the saddle

My feet came out of the stirrups 

So I had nothing holding me on 

I was bouncing around on Sonny like nobodies business

And the the next thing

I tumbled off 

And fell in a heap at the side of the track

The first thing I thought was Sonny was going to go over me 

And I instinctively curled up to protect myself 

I don't know where Sonny went

But he didn't run over 

The thing was 

I could feel myself falling 

But even though it seemed to happen in slow motion at the time 

I still got a huge shock

I got up straight away

Susan asked what if I was ok

And if I was hurt

I didn't think I was 

Nothing was broken anyway 

I asked her for a minute to catch my breath 

She said ok

But to get back up on the horse first 

I tried to mount Sonny

But I was shaking so much 

I couldn't get a grip to pull myself up 

Second time 

I managed 

And I just sat there for a moment 

Susan said it was important to get straight back up on the horse 

As the longer I left it

The harder it would be 

Soon I was ready to go again

And we began to walk around the arena

Slowly at first

Then trotting 

Then Susan asked if I felt ok to canter again

I must admit 

I was afraid 

But I really wanted to try again 

I didn't want my fear to get the better of me

So I tried again

Straight away

Susan stopped me

And said she knew why I fell

It was my feet 

In riding 

You are supposed to push your heels down and toes up to anchor yourself 

But i was riding with my toes down and heels up

So I was totally unbalanced

After she discovered the problem 

I was able to correct it 

Although I found it hard

I felt like I was sickling my feet

The way I used to do in ballet 

So Susan was constantly shouting at me 

Heels down!

Heels down!

We tried the canter again 

And this time I felt a lot more sturdy and balanced 

Susan said it was one hundred times better

By the end of the lesson 

I was wrecked 

And sweat was pumping out of me

Susan showed me how to put up the stirrups 

And take off the saddle 

And the bridle 

Which was good to learn 

I was still pretty shook as I went back to change out of my boots and hat

Susan said if I am going to pursue horse riding 

Then that was my first fall of many 

To be honest 

It had never occurred to me that I might fall off the horse at some point 

I had no fear about it

As I always thought that a fall happened when jumping 

Now I know different 

Susan said I could join the kids class on a Saturday if I wanted to

Or I could continue with the private lessons 

I stil don't know what I'm going to do 

So I told her I would think about it

And give them a ring 

The lesson yesterday was so different to the horse therapy I do on a Wednesday

Therapy is so informal and relaxed 

And it's more about the social side of things 

And less about technically getting better 

It's about gaining confidence

And building a relationship with the horse and trainer 

To be honest 

I kind of felt like I was cheating on horse therapy going to another stables 

I just wanted to do more of it though 

As once a week is just not enough for me 

So I'm wondering if I should tell Eilish I'm doing other lessons

Or should I continue with the extra lessons at all?

When I got home yesterday

I was telling my sister and her partner all about the fall

My sister was horrified 

She said we will already have my mum in plaster 

We don't need another broken bone in the house 

She pleaded with me not to go back

But the thing is 

I really want to

I really enjoy the adrenaline rush

The speed 

The power 

It's like a drug 

My sister said that I always have to push things that little bit extra 

And she is right 

Maybe I am turning in to an adrenaline junkie!

Who knows?

So today 

U is for undeterred

I got back on the horse after my fall

And i guess that's a metaphor for life 

When you fall down 

You dust yourself off 

And get back up 

Ready to fight another day 

I guess I've been doing that my whole life 

Maybe that's why the fall off Sonny didn't phase me too much 

I woke up this morning 

And my ribs and legs were hurting 

I was in with my doctor 

So he checked my ribs and lungs 

Which were fine 

But he said I may experience pain for a few days 

But you know what?

I kind of enjoy the pain 

It's a sign I was working hard

And loving every minute of it!

Rest Day

Today is another rest day on the A - Z Challenge

So I thought I would take the opportunity to write a personal post about what's going on for me and my family

Next Friday my Mum is having surgery in Dublin

A few weeks ago 

She saw a consultant 

And the surgery date is next week

It's surgery on her foot

Her toes to be precise 

You see, for as long as we can remember 

Mum has had a wonky toe

Her big toe is kind of growing the wrong way 

And is almost as a right angle to the rest of her toes 

Her toe had been a source of fun over the years 

Especially during the summer when her feet are out 

I would show you a picture 

But I don't want to scare you

But if you look up 'Hammer Toe' on Google 

You will surely find some pics 

Anyway

Up until recently 

Mums funny toe hasn't given her any trouble 

Apart from the way it looks 

Which never has really bothered her 

But now 

She gets pain in her foot and up her leg 

So we finally managed to get her to go to the doctor 

Who promptly referred her to a consultant in Dublin

Who told Mum it was one of the worst cases he has seen

He immediately booked her in for surgery 

It's sounds like a small and simple procedure 

But it is in fact complicated 

Both the big toe and the toe next to it will broken 

Straightened 

And pins will be inserted to keep the toes in place 

All done under general anaesthetic of course

Mum will be in quite a bit of pain following the procedure 

And will be off her feet for a couple of months

So needless to say 

We will be looking after her for that period of time 

My sister and I live  here 

So we will be doing the bulk of the work

But we have another sister and brother who will hopefully help too

We have already done out a roster for cooking and cleaning etc

But I'm sure there are some things that we haven't even thought of yet

We'll get through it 

Albeit with a few sibling arguments and tiffs

The other thing is 

That recently I have become aware of my own big toe 

As it seems to be heading in the same direction as Mums

Which is a worry 

But I guess I don't need to worry about it just yet 

But I definitely won't let it go as bad as my Mums

Whose foot is now quite deformed 

My Dad is also going to see a consultant in Dublin next month 

It's his hands 

Over the years the muscle in his hands has wasted away 

And he now has very little power or strength in them

He can't close buttons 

Open jars 

His hands are quite disabled now 

It was hard to get him to go to the doctor 

But he finally did recently 

And was referred to the consultant 

I really hope they can do something to help his hands 

As soon they will be completely useless if something isn't done

It's worrying 

Both my parents having separate health issues

I guess it's a reminder that they are not getting any younger

It's scary to think that they are getting older

I'm not ready for it 

Even though I'm 34 

I feel like I am still growing up

I need them 

I still need my parents 

It's scary 

It feels like the rug is being pulled from under us 

And all of a sudden 

They are old 

I guess we are never ready to lose our parents 

And I don't think that will happen for a long time 

But it's something that will happen

Whether we are ready or not 

Having said all that 

I was wondering about you 

Do you still have your parents?

Or have you lost either parent?

Are your parents getting older and having health problems?

How do you feel about it?

Are you worried about them?

T is for Tea!

All my life 

I've been a confirmed tea drinker

Even as a baby 

I used to take hot, sweet tea in my bottle 

I was very attached to my bottle of tea

And having spoken to my Mum about it this morning

She tells me that I used my bottle of tea as a comfort up until the age of four

I can remember hiding said bottle when people came over 

Since then 

Tea has been a source of warmth and comfort to me

That first cup in the morning is heaven 

And when I smoked

A cuppa and a cigarette could put the world to right 

I can't lie 

I miss that feeling 

A hot steaming cup of tea

And a Carrolls cigarette 

Anything could be solved over it

I've never been a coffee drinker

Most of my family are coffee drinkers 

But I've never developed a taste for it

I wish I liked coffee

As it looks very sophisticated 

And I'd love to go in to a coffee shop and order a long black

But no

I am a dedicated tea drinker

And nothing else will do

It wasn't until I developed my ED 

That my tea drinking got out of hand 

If tea drinking can get out of hand

Now I must drink 10- 15 cups a day 

Depending on what I am doing 

If I am at home 

I will make one cup after another 

And drink it like it is going out of fashion

I also have particular cups that I drink out of 

I'm very picky about my cups 

The need to be narrow 

Quite tall 

Preferably with a nice design

I don't like cups with an internal colour 

I like them to be white on the inside

I have my favourite cups

And no other cups will do

When I gave up smoking 

It took me quite a while to get used to having a cup of tea without a smoke 

It just wasn't the same 

But as they say 

You can make or break a habit in 21 days

And eventually 

Like everything 

I got used to it

Oh

And the tea has to be Barry's 

I don't use sugar that much anymore 

And use 4 sweeteners instead

Right 

I'm off to make another cuppa

See you on the next post....

Are you a tea or coffee drinker?

S is for Summer!

Summer is fast approaching 

And as you know

I have a few things in the pipeline 

There is the possibility of a job

And also a course I could do 

Which is over a year long

IT and communications 

Two days a week

This week

I got a call from the manager of the holiday centre where I applied to work 

She asked me if I was still interested in work

And told me to pop in yesterday morning to have a chat

So I did 

She showed me around the building

Which can cater up to 60 people at a time

The living areas 

The dining room 

The office 

Then we sat down so she could tell me in depth about the job

She asked about my situation

I told her that I am on a disability benefit 

And because the job is only a summer job

I am keen to hold on to that payment

She totally understood that 

She asked me why I am on disability 

So I explained that I am recovering from an eating disorder 

I had no problem telling her that 

But then she became concerned that the job might be too much for me

She told me that the job is not only physically demanding 

But also very emotionally demanding

You see the holiday centre is run by a charity 

Whose aim is to give people a holiday who generally can't afford on

It's not free 

But it is at a reduced cost

So a lot of the people staying are vulnerable 

Or have difficult circumstances 

Different situation may arise 

And I would need to be very switched on to deal with them

The manager explained that the person she hires needs to have a lot of cop on and common sense 

A jack of all trades were the words she used

I told her that I would be available to work the 20 hours a week I am allowed work 

She said she would have to bring thdt information back to the board members to discuss 

And said she would get back to me next week

I  know that a lot of you think that I should take the full time work 

And I would love to

But I worry that it would be too much for me 

And I might cave under the pressure 

Plus I wouldn't have the time to look after my dogs 

Horse riding 

Writing 

Blogging 

Meetings 

And appointments 

If I could work the 20 hours 

That would work perfectly 

But I don't know if it will happen

Then there is the course 

I went to talk on it yesterday 

And I have an interview for it on Monday

The course is two days a week

For 16 months

So it suits me really well 

If I got the 20 hours work 

Then I could probably squeeze the course in too

My other option is not to work at all and do the course 

The course work includes work experience 

So I would get some work over the next year

Anyway 

 I will wait for the manager to get back to me about the job

And I will go ahead and do the interview for the course 

But right now 

I am leaning towards doing the course

Even though it is a bit of a dilemma 

It's great to have options

It's great to be well enough to do these things

I feel like things are starting to come together for me

That my life is coming together 

And that is nothing short of amazing

I'd love to know what you think though

Your views and opinions 

So don't be shy 

Get in touch.... 

R is for Recovery!

Recovery is an obvious choice for the letter R

But it's also an important one 

The main thing about recovery 

Is that it's about progress not perfection

And I am so glad for that 

Because I certainly have not perfected recovery 

Who has?

My recovery from drugs started as long as ten years ago

I've had many slips and relapses since then

And now have about a year of continuous recovery

Since my last relapse early last year

My recovery from my ED started two years ago

After I came out of treatment for the umpteenth time

But again 

It most definitely has not been a straight road 

There have been an awful lot of bumps in the road for me

And some might argue that I am not in recovery at all 

As I still purge 

Albeit a whole lot less than I was two years ago 

But bulimia still raises its ugly head from time to time 

The thing is 

That I am doing my level best 

To stay sane

And improve my physical and mental health 

I'm striving for a better life 

For me and my family 

It's taken me a long time to get to the ponit where I wanted to recover

In the midst of the illness

Recovery seems nigh on impossible 

It wasn't something that I wanted to explore 

And I deliberately avoided anything to do with recovery 

But there came a point 

Where I was just not willing to lose any more of my life to my addiction/ED

Where the negatives drastically outweighed the positives

I wasn't living 

I was hanging on by my finger nails to life 

But now 

I am so glad I managed to pull myself out of the rabbit hole 

And am even sorry that I didn't do it years ago 

It seems that as quickly as things can tank

They can also turn around just as quickly 

I can categorically tell you 

That there is life after ED and addiction

I know that recovery can seem so far away

And sometimes it is 

But it starts with the first step

That first leap of faith 

That is the most difficult part

But once you get going 

I promise you 

There will be no stopping you

Baby steps all the way

As I always say

Baby steps soon add up to be great strides 

And breaking it down in to small bite size chunks is much more manageable

As well as improving health and mental health

As well as weight restoration and all the health benefits that come with that 

Recovery also opens up new opportunities

I've done so many things in recovery

That I would never have had the confidence or the courage to do in the midst of my illness

I went on my first date 

I joined classes 

I started going to meetings again

I began horse riding

Which has quickly turned in to a passion

I've done interviews for different publications 

So many wonderful things can happen 

If you can just open your mind 

And your heart 

And take that first step away from the illness

In my ED

It was like being in a prison 

With meagre food portions 

And a punishing exercise routine 

There is nothing enjoyable about living with an ED 

Even the benefits it promises 

Weight loss 

Never works out 

As the goal posts always shift

Today is a good day

This morning I am going in to see the manager of the holiday centre 

Remember the job I applied for?

She rang me yesterday 

And asked me to go in for a chat 

So that is exciting 

I'm really hoping something comes of it

And this afternoon 

I am starting my course 

IT and communications 

I don't know if I'll be able to do it all

But I will give it a go 

And see how I get on 

I still want to leave time for horse riding

The dogs 

blogging 

And my appointments of course 

As these things are the foundation of my recovery 

I have faith though 

That it will all work out the way it's supposed to 

And that's the lovely thing about recovery 

Things seem to all of a sudden fall in to place 

One day everything is up in the air 

And the next it's all slotting together like a jigsaw puzzle

In other news 

I went horse riding yesterday 

Myself and one of the lads are being entered in a competition 

A dressage show 

On May 1st

It's basically a routine with the horse 

Walking 

Trotting

Following a course 

We went through it twice yesterday

If you remember last week

Star was no co operating with me 

He was very reluctant to trot 

So I was given a whip yesterday 

Just to give him a little tap to start off

And lo and behold 

He began to trot when I tapped him

We are rough diamonds myself and Star

But we are slowly but surely forming a little bond 

And finding out way 

At one point when we were trotting 

Star began to go really fast 

Cantering 

It was amazing!

I loved it!

So much fun!

I just wish I could do it more often 

I feel on such a high after riding 

And the time always goes way too quickly 

And this 

The horse riding 

Is only possible by my being somewhat well

I wouldn't be able for it if I was underweight and struggling 

I wouldn't trade all the things in my life for a skinny body 

No way 

Maybe it's that in getting older 

I turn 35 this year 

And I guess I was bound to grow up at some stage 

And an ED is so life and soul draining 

That the older you get 

The sicker you get 

And the harder it is to find recovery 

I know I'm blessed 

I have an amazing family behind me 

Super duper professionals 

Who as a team

Have helped me massively 

And pancreatitis aside 

I've come out of my ED relatively unscathed 

Also economic factors 

I have a secure comfortable place to live 

I don't really have to worry about money 

And those things are massive

So all in all

Recovery is worth 

A hundred times over 

I just wish I could give you a little piece of the happiness I have found 

It's finally happening for me

I am recovering.....