Wednesday

Before I get in to this post

I want to thank you all

For your comments, emails and texts 

For you well wishes 

And kind words of encouragement 

They mean more than you will ever know

Something that gives me a real boost

Is knowing that all of you beautiful ladies are behind me

And rooting for me

I really feel the love you send my way

And it is much appreciated 

Also 

I wanted to reply to the anonymous commenter 

Who implied that I don't have my priorities straight

That I should fit my activities around my job

And not the other way around 

Look 

To me 

My riding 

My meetings 

And my appointments are all as important to me as my job

My activities during the week are what keep me going 

Without them 

I know I would go down hill very quickly

So as you can imagine 

I am very keen and determined to keep them up 

For me 

My recovery is a combination of things 

And they are all of equal importance 

Of course in an ideal world 

I would work full time 

And do my bits at the weekend 

However it is mostly weekends that I am working 

And I prefer it that way 

I find weekends can be long and boring 

So I am excited to be busy doing things at that time 

I am down to work on Wednesday 

From 8am - 12pm

So I had to swap with another girl 

And now I am doing the 4pm - 8pm

So I can still go riding 

But this still poses a problem 

In that usually I am wrecked tired after riding 

And the last thing I am wanting to do is head in to put in a four hour shift at work 

I will try it for the first few weeks 

And see how I get on

I rang the other horse riding place today

And they can't facilitate my lessons during the week

So it looks like I will miss riding there for the next while 

Another thing that was suggested to me 

Was that when I go out for my lesson

That I stay for two lessons 

To make it more worth my while 

But I guess I have to accept that things will be a bit all overcrowd place for the next couple of months 

And there is sweet f#*k all I can do about that 

But 

I trust that it will all work out for the best 

Right 

I'm off to make dinner for myself and the patient

See you on the next post....

Work induction

I'm just back from my first day of work induction

Myself and another girl were there to meet the manager

And to go through what we will be doing 

And our hours 

Luckily 

Most of my hours are at the weekend 

With one short evening shift on a Wednesday

So really and truly it doesn't interfere with my other activities 

I will still get to horse riding Wednesday morning

To my meetings 

And appointments 

Which is great

I'll be working about 22 hours a week

Which means my disability will be effected slightly 

But that's ok

I will get to keep the majority of it

I actually found out this week

That I can only earn €120 or less each week without my disability being effected

So that's less than ten hours a week

Which wouldn't be worth my while

Or my employers 

So any hours over that ten

My disability will be cut on a sliding scale 

But 

I think it will all work out fine

I'm going to do the 22 hours

I think it will be good for me 

We were given so much information today

It was mind boggling 

The other girl there was a lot younger than me 

Early twenties I'd say

But we had a little chat

And she seems lovely 

Georgina is the manager 

And she is very firm but fair 

I like her a lot 

There is no nonsense about her 

She gave us a lot of possible scenarios that could possibly happen 

Basically 

The holiday centre is a non profit centre for those who ordinarily couldn't afford a holiday 

It is run by a charity called St. Vincent de Paul

They also run a thrift shop

And an elderly care home 

I did the interview for the job back in February

And it has been a long process to get this far

But I am super excited to start working 

Georgina emphasised that the three things key to the centre

Are friendliness, cleanliness and good food 

She really gave us a great introduction to working there 

I'm back in on Thursday to meet the rest of the staff

We finished up at lunch time

And I seized the opportunity to have a quick chat with Georgina 

She needed my bank details and things 

And while we were doing some paperwork

She asked me if I thought it would be too much for me 

As I had explained to her the last time we met about my ED

And how I am in recovery 

I was honest with her

At first 

I felt a little out of my depth

This is my first proper job in quite a while 

And I told her it was a confidence thing with me more than anything else

Georgina assured me that she had every confidence and faith in me

And said I would be like a new woman by the end of the three months working 

It was nice to hear that she believes in me

I just wish I had the same belief in myself 

But I guess that will come in time

I really think this job could be a life changer for me 

If I can just face my fears and anxieties 

Turn up 

And give it my best 

I start officially June 3rd

So I have just over a week to get myself prepared 

I know I'm going to be nervous

Starting a new job is tough for anyone 

And throw in a few mental health issues

And an addiction to drugs

It could all go very wrong

But I'm choosing to be positive 

And to go in with a clear and level and open mind 

I know the first few shifts will be bumpy 

As I get used to their way of doing things 

But I know if I can just hang in there

It could be the making of me 

It could give me back my confidence 

That I so desperately miss

It could help me see that I am capable and able to work

It could even be a stepping stone on to more work 

I'm a hard worker 

And I love to be busy 

Love to be on the go all the time 

And this job will most definitely be busy 

Which will suit me down to the ground 

Because of the nature of the work

I will be dealing with vulnerable people 

People with mental health issues

Addiction

For some people 

This will be their first holiday

People who might not be used to a structured environment 

Who don't eat three square meals a day 

We are situated on the towns main road 

So anyone can wander in

And it will be up to me to deal with these people 

I hope given the fact that I have experienced a lot in my life

Will help me to be empathetic 

And understanding 

But at the same time

I can't let myself be taken advantage of

Because I think I can be seen as a soft touch sometimes 

I was interested in listening to Georgina today 

As she is so friendly and warm

But at the same time 

I know she takes no shit from anyone

I would love to be like that 

And hopefully this job will help me find my own voice

My own inner confidence 

And self esteem 

Despite my anxiety though

I am going to do this 

I am going to go in with a positive mind set 

Anything I don't know 

I can ask 

And I think throwing myself in at the deep end is good for me

As then I have to figure things out

But you guys 

This is a huge deal for me 

My job will even be put through the books!

Something that hasn't happened to me in a long time 

My last two jobs were cash in hand 

But now I'm going to be a proper Bona fide employee!

How exciting is that?

I'm just so happy that I'm going to be able to fit in everything around my job

It's so very important to me

To be able to go horse riding 

To see my doctor 

And Breda 

And Mary

It's going to be a busy summer 

That's for sure 

But you know what?

This is it

This is me living my life 

Feeling the fear and doing it anyway

This is making huge progress with my independence 

And that is just wonderful for me 

Finally 

Things are all coming together for me

And I feel alive!

Please say a wee prayer for me this week

I know all you ladies are behind me

And I appreciate that so much

Thank you

You are amazing!

What is happening to blogger?

Is it just me 

Or is blogger really quiet of late?

It just seems to be like a bit of a ghost town 

Where it was once thriving and buzzing

Now it's eerily calm and quiet

I guess blogger is not cool anymore 

Twitter and Instagram are really where it's at

I don't really use any social media apart from Blogger 

I've never really been a fan of Facebook

I do have an account 

But I rarely use it 

Or even look at it

It's just not my thing 

I don't use Twitter or Instagram either 

But am thinking about joining one or both

I am not the most technically minded person 

But I think I could get the hang of it

There was a time 

Not too long ago 

When I depended on blogger for so much 

For support with my ED and addiction

And for social interaction 

As I was getting precious little in my real life

My blog was about sharing my story 

And to meet like minded people 

There was a real buzz about blogger a few years ago

But that seems to be diminishing 

And there is only a small core group of bloggers left 

Where have all the others gone?

I don't know 

I'm hoping that they have moved on from the difficult place they were in

I'm hoping they are now in recovery 

And don't need the support of blogger

I'm hoping they are in some kind of recovery 

I just hope that they are ok

Some of these girls I was very close to

So it's quite distressing when they vanish in to thin air 

The truth is that some of them will have recovered 

Some will have one foot in the disorder 

And one in their ED

And some will still be up to their neck in ED behaviours 

I would love to hear from some of those who have disappeared 

So if you are out there 

If you are reading

Do get in touch 

I would love to hear from you 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

Do you use any other social media?

Which ones do you use?

Are you like me 

And really miss some bloggers who have now disappeared?

Are you in touch with any of them?

Inquiring minds want to know.....

Looking the part!

Yesterday

I bought my very own riding hat

My Dad and I went in to a shop in town 

It's actually the shop where I buy my dogs food

They have everything in that shop!

I tried on about eight different hats 

Until I found one that fit me perfectly 

Now I feel very much the part 

With my very own boots and hat 

Now I just need the jodhpurs 

And I will be a proper horsey person

Here are some photos....

Saturday

I started out the weekend with a riding lesson this morning 

I was back on Princess

But I had a new instructor 

A Scottish girl called Roisin 

Who was lovely

Straight away 

I was having problems getting Princess started 

She was walking at her own leisurely pace 

And was paying very little attention to the fact that I was kicking her over and over 

Roisin said that I looked nervous 

And I felt it

So I'm sure the horse felt it too

I think I am not kicking hard enough

I think I'm kicking strongly 

But it's probably only a tap to the horse 

Eventually I got her trotting 

Although she was pre-empting my directions all the time 

Roisin wanted to work on my position and balance 

So after trotting for a while 

We walked and trotted with my feet out of the stirrups 

The key thing was to relax my legs 

And let them hang 

Which in turn would help my balance 

Then we trotted standing up

And sitting down slowly 

The she told me to drop the reigns completely 

I thought she was joking At first 

But she wasn't 

I felt really nervous to do this 

Especially in trot 

First Roisin told me to lift one hand 

And then the other 

I was doing it!

Trotting with no hands 

It was a real confidence boost 

Roisin said that at the start of the lesson 

I looked stressed and worried 

But by the end of it 

I felt a lot more comfortable 

I did a full hour lesson today

And am now wrecked 

It was great though 

I thoroughly enjoyed it 

And Roisin told me that we can go down to the beach to ride some day

That would be so awesome 

I've always wanted to ride a horse on a beach 

I've always thought it looks so elegant and beautiful 

So that's something to look forward to

 

In other news 

Life is going pretty well at the moment 

I feel good 

Mood is stable 

I feel steady in myself 

I feel like I am enjoying rather than enduring it

Life is to be enjoyed 

I know that no one is deliriously happy all the time 

Happiness is not a constant thing 

But it is definitely possible to have moments 

And those moments are enough to keep me going 

That's all for today folks 

If there is any topic you would like to see written about 

Do let me know 

I feel like I am writing less and less about my ED addiction

I guess now I am living my life 

Rather than spectating 

And letting life pass me by 

I feel like I am actively participating in my own life now 

And that is so great 

I feel hopeful

I feel positive 

I feel alive....

Friday

Because I was in Dublin on Wednesday 

I had horse riding today instead

I got up early 

To walk the dogs and sort their food out so Mam could just give it to them at lunch time

Then I headed in to town to meet Fintan

He picked me up in town at about 10 30am

And we headed out to Keash

The last couple of weeks 

I noticed that Fintan buys a bar of chocolate on the way out

And he eats two squares before riding 

And two squares after riding 

So today I had a bar of chocolate for him

To thank him for driving 

We chatted on the way out 

And arrived in Keash in plenty of time for our riding lesson

We donned our hats and boots 

I was on Star as usual 

And Fintan was on Leroy

A beautiful elegant horse 

Today 

For a change 

Myself and Star were in front 

And Star took to it lovely 

We also did a lot of cantering today 

Which was amazing 

I did three canters today 

And it is such a buzz!

I love it! 

And it feels great to be making progress 

We finished our lesson 

And made a cup of tea

I was chatting to the two girls who were in after me 

And they couldn't believe I was only riding a couple of months 

That was lovely to hear 

And it's true 

I've come a long way in a short time 

Last week 

When I told Fintan about my blog 

He asked me to send him the link 

I was hesitant to 

As it is so personal 

And I wasn't sure if I wanted to share it with someone who is in my real life

For some reason

I would prefer strangers to read my blog

Rather than people I know 

Because I can't worry or disappoint strangers 

I would be worried that someone I know would be shocked or scared reading my blog

I write my blog as if no one was going to read it 

Because if I thought about the amount of people reading my blog 

I would never post a word 

So I texted Fintan to let him know that I was a bit wary of sending him the link

Then today he apologised for asking for the link

He said he would never read anything without asking me first 

I was really grateful for his understanding 

And I really do believe that he will respect my wishes and not read my blog 

However 

I did show him the little piece that Healthline wrote about my blog

He was delighted for me 

Tomorrow I have another lesson in the morning 

Which I am really looking forward to 

Something I have noticed recently 

Is that when I don't eat 

I feel very strange 

So really these days 

I need to make myself eat something 

Whether I  hungry or not 

Because I feel faint and not with it when I don't eat 

Note to self: Remember to eat!!

That's all for today folks

See you on the next post...

Dublin

Apologies for not replying to yesterday's comments 

The blogger app on my phone is playing up

And it won't let me in to my dashboard 

I could read the comments in my emails 

But I couldn't reply 

So sorry about that 

Thank you though

I really appreciated your thoughts on the subject of body image 

It's a tricky one 

Regaining the weight 

And everything that comes with that 

Fear 

Anxiety 

Uncertainty

The comments from others 

It's not easy 

And then comes the transition

From underweight to healthy weight

And when you have a distorted and skewed body image 

That can be quite traumatic 

I guess body image is a fluid thing 

I know I can feel ok in my skin sometimes 

And I don't feel big 

But there are other times when I feel so negatively about my body 

That I can barely function

Today for instance 

I feel quite good about how I look 

And when I say that 

I mean I don't want to tear the flesh off myself with my bare hands 

But yesterday 

I was in Dublin with my Dad

And I felt so uncomfortable in my skin 

So awkward and not myself at all

It's a horrible feeling 

To feel such distain against your own body 

I just have to remember to go by how I feel

Rather than my clothes size 

It's not easy 

But it's the only way that works 

In other news 

I travelled to Dublin yesterday with my Dad 

He had an appointment with a consultant neurologist 

As he seems to be having great difficulty with his hands 

He has lost a lot of power in them 

The muscle is wasting away

And it seems to be spreading up his arms 

I had an early start

And was up at 5am

I drive the half hour in to town u

Then walked 15mins to the train station

To catch the 7am train 

I met my Dad in his home town 

And he joined me on the train at about 8 15am

We arrived in Dublin at 10 am

The hospital is in the north side of the city 

So we quickly found our bus stop 

And headed off 

The bus stopped right outside the hospital

We found the right place 

And settled down to wait

Thankfully 

It wasn't a long wait

And my Dad was in and out in about hAlf an hour

Because we were finished so early 

We decided to try and make the lunch time train home

I was eager to get out of the city 

As it was there that I did a lot of my using 

And everywhere I look

I see old haunts and placed I used to frequent 

We cut it pretty fine 

But we made the 1pm train

And I was back home by 5 pm

Dad has to go back up to Dublin for tests 

So there might be another trip on the horizon

I don't mind going with him though

He often did it for me

I also got some exciting news yesterday 

My blog was voted one of the best eating disorder blogs of 2016 by Healthline

If you check out their website you will see all the blogs 

They are all worth a visit 

This is the fourth year in a row that my blog has been included in Healthlines top blogs 

And it is truly an honour 

I am so happy to know that my blog is making a difference 

That it's going in some small way to help fight the battle against EDs and addiction

I remember writing not too long ago 

That items a sad fact that my virtual life was more exciting than my real life 

I had nothing in my real life 

No purpose 

No reason for being 

I had my family and my dogs 

And that is amazing 

But I needed more 

And now that need is being met 

I feel so grateful to be in a good place now 

I just wish I could break off a piece of what I hAve 

And give it to you 

I want to share with everyone what I have found out 

That there is a life beyond EDs and addiction

There is hope 

And there is so much more to life 

We don't have to suffer 

There is a way out 

For a long time I didn't believe that

But now I know differently 

Life is to be enjoyed 

Not endured 

Same goes for recovery 

I am so glad to be moving on

Growing up 

It's a miracle 

My Miracle

And I promise you it's there for you too

You just have to take that first leap of faith

Do it

You won't regret it 

Not even a tiny bit