Rayon and Benson

Today 

I went for another horse riding lesson 

In the centre near my house

I was just getting suited and booted 

When a tall blonde girl came over and introduced herself 

She said her name was Lisa

And did I mind if she came and joined my lesson 

Of course I didn't 

The more the merrier

Lisa told me that she had been riding her whole life 

But hadn't been at all in the last three years 

And get this

She was a show jumper no less!

All of a sudden 

I was afraid I would be out of my depth in the lesson

But Lisa assured me that she was unfit and out of practise 

After chatting for a few minutes 

We went around to meet Roisin the instructor 

She brought a horse called Benson for Lisa

And Rayon for me 

Usually I ride Princess

Who is what they call a confidence giver

But today Roisin assured me that I was ready for a bigger and faster horse 

We walked across the road 

And over to the outdoor arena

I mounted Rayon

And straight away 

I could tell she was going to be a lot faster 

We walked around the arena at first 

To get a feel for the horses 

And then on to a trot 

And holy shit!

With not much coercion from me 

Rayon took off like a rocket!

She was was so fast 

And she was paying precious little attention to me trying to stop her

It's funny 

For the past few weeks 

I've had trouble trying to get Princess to go

Now I had the opposite problem

When Rayon was in front 

She was tearing around the arena

And when Benson was in front 

Rayon literally had her nose to his behind

Lisa took to it like a duck to water 

And Benson was definitely slower than Rayon

A while in to the session

Roisin asked if we wanted to try to canter 

Lisa went first on Benson

And she was looking good 

Then came my turn 

And again

Rayon shot off

She galloped around that arena at top speed 

And only stopped when she came behind Benson

On my second canter 

I felt like I was bouncing a lot 

And I don't think Rayon liked that 

As at one point she dropped her head 

And I thought she was going to buck me off

I started to slip off one side of her 

And had to reach for wards and grab her neck to hang on

Poor Roisin

She nearly lost her life watching 

She said she was sure Rayon was going to buck 

Roisin then suggested we swap horses 

So Lisa could experience a faster horse 

And I could get my bearings again on a slower horse 

Benson was lovely 

He was in no panic to get around the area 

And cantering on him felt lovely 

But again 

At one point 

I thought he was going to buck 

I had a chat with Roisin afterwards 

And she thinks they might be trying to buck because I'm bouncing so much 

That it might be agitating the horse 

In a canter 

They say to 'Sit in' to the saddle 

And wipe the seat with your bum

I gues for me 

There are so many things that I am trying to remember 

That sometimes it goes a bit pear shaped 

Lisa also found Rayon like a bolt of lightening 

So I was glad it wasn't just me 

I was more than ready for the lesson to be over 

I felt like I had no control over Rayon

And he was just sprinting as fast as she could 

She wasn't taking heed of my commands 

And heck if I could get her to stop!

We walked back to the centre 

Laughing about what had happened 

But I seriously think that Roisin was worried I was going to be bucked off

And now that I am home and thinking about it

It was freakin'scary

Even watching Lisa canter on Rayon

She struggled to control her too

I swear that horse was like a bat out of hell!

But apart from the fear of being thrown off

I loved it 

It felt amazing to be on a bigger and faster horse 

And to be making progress

As I always do 

I asked Roisin at the end of the session if I am making progress 

She assures me that I am 

I really hope I am 

But as she said 

If I enjoy it 

To keep doing it

I mean I know I'll never be a champion horse rider 

Or anything like it 

But I would like to reach my potential 

What ever that may be 

I haven't told Eilish and my friends at horse therapy that I am doing extra lessons 

But I do have a plan 

I'm going to continue to ride at both centres until September 

Then I am going to ask Eilish if I can do two lessons with her on a Wednesday 

As it's such a trek from my house 

It would be more worthwhile for me to do two lessons instead of one

So until then 

I will continue to ride with Roisin at the stables near my house 

It's a very different experience riding at both stables 

In the ones near my house 

We concentrate on all the little details 

But with Eilish it's a lot more gentle 

I want to say more caring and nurturing 

She brings us along gently 

So between the two

I think I am getting a good foundation in in horse riding 

So that was my Saturdsy morning 

Exciting no?

I'm back to work tomorrow 

Just for two days 

I'll be working with the other new girl 

And she is lovely 

So I am looking forward to that 

I got paid for the first time last Thursday 

And even though the emergency taxed me

And I only got about half of what I'm owed 

It was still very special to have my first legitimate pay check in years

I can already feel the benefit of working 

My confidence is improving 

I feel more sure of myself 

And more capable and able 

Which is exactly what I hoped would happen 

So happy days all around!!

I'm off to make a cuppa and s ham roll

See you on the next post...

Moving on

Thank you for all of your feedback on my last post

And your kind words 

I'm still thinking about my blog

But one thing is for sure

I will not be going anywhere 

And I will continue to blog

I guess it makes sense really 

They I am struggling to find my blog voice again 

The last six months have been a whirlwind 

I almost feel like I have been carried this far 

My feet barely touching the ground 

There has been a lot of change recently 

And a lot of growth 

This is all good

And it feels amazing to have come this far 

I'm sure you have noticed that I am not writing much about my ED or addiction recently 

There just hasn't been anything to report 

I'm taking my meds correctly 

I'm eating my meals and snacks 

And rarely purging 

I guess I am moving on

And letting go of some of the crutches that have held me up this far 

So I've been thinking 

I probably won't post every day

I remember when I first started blogging 

I used to blog Monday, Wednesday and Friday

So I'm thinking I will go back to that pattern 

My blog will about life after ED and addiction

Rather than life with it 

Because in guessing there will be a whole adjustment period 

Becoming accustomed to real life 

With no vices to fall back on 

It will just be me 

Ruby 

Stripped back

Raw 

With all the ups and downs of life in recovery 

It makes perfect sense really 

I was wondering what I would write about 

And of course recovery is what I will write about 

Because that's what I am living 

It's what I know 

So 

I'm sticking around 

I'm still going to continue to raise awareness about eating disorders 

Still strive for recovery 

For others and myself 

Still going fight for a better life 

Are you with me??

What to do with my blog?

I saw Mary this morning 

It was great to be able to give her a good report about all the good things that are happening in my life

She was truly delighted for me 

And said it made her job worthwhile 

Seeing people like me get well

I was also so happy to tell her that I am barely purging any more 

Since starting work

It has really been a rarity 

Mary asked me to draw a pi chart 

Of all the different areas in my life 

It was quite a struggle to fit everything in 

She asked me about blogging 

And it got me thinking 

I guess my blog has taken a back seat recently 

And it seems to be evolving 

Up until now 

My blog has been been about living with and managing my ED and addiction

Most of my posts thus far have been ED based 

And that's fine 

Because that's what was going on for me

And it was great to be part of a community that thrived on supporting each other 

But now I find myself asking 

Where my blog is going now?

I feel a little bit like I am in limbo

I don't consider myself eating disordered in the clinical sense anymore 

But I still have a long way to go as far as recovery is concerned 

I have to be honest 

Over the past couple of weeks 

I have thought about stopping blogging altogether 

As I don't know what I have to offer this community anymore 

And my real life is so full 

I don't have time like I used to

And I don't know if my blog is the hub that it once was 

I seem to get less readers and comments 

That shouldn't matter 

And it doesn't 

But I guess it makes me feel like my blog isn't wanted or needed anymore 

Then there is the fact that blogger seems to be passé now 

More and more people seem to use Instagram now a days 

And less and less people seem to be using blogger 

It kind of feels like a ghost town lately 

With all that said 

I don't really know what to do 

Or where to go from here 

I really want to keep writing and blogging 

But maybe 

Like a lot of things in my life 

It's time to move on 

I don't know 

It's something I am going to have to work through I guess 

And hopefully what I'm supposed to do will become clear

I was wondering what you think

Have you experienced this with blogging and recovery?

Have you felt like me and wondered what next?

Do you think my blog is needed and wanted?

I would really love your feedback on this one so do get in touch 

I appreciate it 

Day off!

Today is a wonderful day 

As I am now off work until Sunday

The feeling is amazing 

Having worked four long shifts the last four days 

I am more than ready for a rest

Work is going well

Of course I am still very green

And forgetting things left, right and centre 

But look

I am doing my best 

And they tell me in work that I am flying it

Yesterday 

I was on with Georgina 

And she deliberately left me on my own to do breakfast and lunch 

I had a bit of a crisis of confidence in the morning 

As I dished out too many bowls of porridge 

And it went cold 

And had to reheated 

But 

As Georgina says 

You live and learn 

My colleagues couldn't be more helpful 

They are endlessly patient

And always willing to lend a hand 

There are to chefs who also work in the kitchen 

They are brothers 

32 and 38 

I was helping one of them prepare chicken yesterday afternoon 

And he asked me what age I am 

I told him to guess 

He said 23 

Ha!

That made my day 

He couldn't believe that was 34

I love to give people a good shock sometimes 

Anyway 

I am settling in well 

And finding my bearings slowly but surely 

Georgina is an amazing lady 

I was chatting with her over tea and toast yesterday 

Her background is in hotels 

And you can really tell

She doesn't waste a bit of energy 

Every move she makes 

She is doing something productive

She moves at lightning speed 

And manages beautifully the balance between hard work

And having the craic 

She is someone I really look up to 

She is a working woman 

With a busy family life 

It can't be easy 

But she makes it look effortless 

I am really enjoying work though 

I get up

At 7 am

To be in work for 8am

I prepare the breakfast 

Which is just a continental one

Then I have a cuppa 

Before the guests arrive 

The dining by room is up stairs

And the kitchen is down stairs 

So I have a path worn on that stairs 

There is a dumb waiter to put the food in

Which essentially is a small lift for the food

I serve the food 

Chat to the guests

And try to keep on top of things 

It was mostly ladies in this week

With only a couple of men

And they are so lovely 

They are people who don't have much money 

And going away on holiday is a massive thing for them 

I told the ladies that I wouldn't see them again 

As they are all leaving Thursday 

And I'm not back until Sunday 

Well let me tell you 

I got hugs and kisses and such lovely compliments 

That truly made all the  hard work so very worth it

The chef keeps a small dinner for me every day 

And I have to say 

The food is really tasty 

It's none of your fancy stuff 

Just honest home cooking done well

My favourite kind

Sometimes I get a chance to eat it 

Sometimes I don't 

And in that case I will bring it home 

And split it with mam 

So 

After breakfast 

I wash up 

Clean the dining my room 

As reset it for lunch 

Which takes a little while 

Lunch is at 1pm 

And it's three courses

So there's quite a bit to do 

I swear I am on my feet all the time 

And it's exhausting 

Draining 

By the end of the day 

I am pretty wrecked 

All I can do is flake out on the couch L

But it's a nice feeling 

A feeling that I've really earned my rest 

Even writing this post 

I keep nodding off

I mentioned my Dad in a post a few days ago 

And that he received some bad news about his health 

To be honest 

I am in denial about the whole thing

And work is a great distraction

You might remember that I went to Dublin with him a few weeks ago

To see a consultant neurologist 

And Dad had some tests done

Basically he is losing the power in his hands and arms 

And it seems to be getting worse all the time 

So last week 

He got the results 

And the consultant thinks it might be MND 

Dad has to go to the top neurologist in the country for a definite diagnosis

I had never head of MND

It's short for motor neuron disease

So it's really serious 

I was speaking to Georgina about it 

And her sister has it 

She is only 42

She asked me if I know much about MND

Which I don't 

She said not to read up on it 

It will only upset me 

I have deliberately not looked it up 

I really just don't want to know at the moment 

Because I know it will break my heart 

Of course I will find out for myself 

But at this moment 

Ignorance is bliss

Dad has asked me not to tell anyone 

But I need to talk to people 

I can't bottle this 

I need an outlet 

Anyway 

All we can really do is make the most of the time now, while he is still relatively ok

One thing Gergina said 

Is that we have a long and hard road against us 

But it's my Dad I feel sorry for 

Right 

I'm off to have a sleep 

I can barely keep my eyes open 

See you on the next post....

Working woman!

Yes

That is me at the moment 

I am a working woman

And delighted to be

I didn't get to post the last couple of days 

As I am on the 8am - 4pm shift for the bank holiday weekend 

So tomorrow is the end of my working week

And I'm not back in until Sunday

So I have six glorious days off

Every evening 

I have come home 

Had a cuppa 

Then flaked out on the couch 

To rest my weary bones

The job is going well I think 

At least I hope it is 

I am doing my best to learn quickly 

But if course it's going to take a couple of weeks to really get the hang of it

The job itself is a lot different to what I thought it would be

I thought I would mainly be on reception

But in actual fact 

I am in the kitchen and the dining room most of the time 

It's busy busy 

And the house isn't even full

There are only 21 staying at the moment 

And the house holds 60

I have to say 

I really like it 

It's go go all the time 

Just the way I like it 

The staff are lovely 

Endlessly patient 

And so willing to help out this newbie 

The guests are a hoot 

There is a young at heart club from Dublin

Nine elderly ladies who are salt of the earth

So sound 

And do polite 

In between all the work 

We do get a chance to chat with people 

And have the craic

I don't know how the perceive me 

The weird girl with the piercings and shaved head 

But I've been told I am pretty 

I am a good worker 

And my favourite 

A good girl 

So that is nice to hear

This is just a quick post 

To let you know that I am alive and kicking 

And working hard 

Payday is Thursday 

And I can hardly wait!

It's going to be awesome to actually be paid!

My first mission when I get paid is to bring my family out for dinner 

Georgina said there may be problems with tax the first couple of weeks 

But hopefully not 

And it will all run smoothly 

I hope you are all well 

I need to catch up on blogs 

But at the moment life is intervening 

I can remember writing once 

They it was a sad fact that my virtual life was more active than my real life 

Well now I can most definitely say the opposite 

I am living my life now

I'm taking control of my own destiny 

This is another step on the ladder that is recovery 

ED wise 

I'm doing ok 

Because I'm working 

And on my feet all day 

I know I need to eat regularly 

It I will keep over in no time 

So I usually grab a cuppa at home before I leave 

I then get to have my breakfast in work after I've done the guests breakfasts 

A cuppa and some toast 

The at dinner time 

The chef keeps me a small dinner 

And I have that in the afternoon

So it's working out well

I feel no urge to purge 

As my body needs fuel if I am to keep going 

So all in all 

Things are going well

Every morning in my car on the way to work 

I turn down my radio 

And I ask God or the universe or who ever is up there 

To please help me get through the day 

And do my best 

And not to hurt myself or anyone else 

I don't know if that works 

But it can't hurt right?

Right 

I'm off for a cuppa 

See you on the next post...

What to do?

What would you do 

If someone patted you on the stomach

And told you that 'you've really filled out'

And when told that you are recovering from an eating disorder

Jiggles your arm

And continues to point out weight gain

Yes

This happened to me today 

Thankfully I had some good friends around me 

Who gently pointed out to this person

That I used to be at deaths door 

I was in shock at the time 

I couldn't quite believe this person put her hands on me

And jiggled my arm!!

I mean who does that?

I must point out 

That this happened at a meeting 

Where everyone is not well

But I think this person was way out of line 

Said person then asked me for a lift home!

Which I obliged 

Because I am a nice person

But really I wanted to throttle her

I couldn't even bring myself to make polite conversation on the way home

Now I am home 

I realise that I was in shock while she was pointing out my flabby bits 

I literally couldn't say anything 

One of my friends pulled me aside afterwards 

To make sure I was ok 

But Jesus H Christ 

Since when is it ok body shame a person like that?

I don't know 

I despair 

I went on an instant diet 

That lasted ten minutes 

I know better than to let a comment like that get the better of me

Interestingly 

This woman also commented to another lady that she had lost weight

So who knows 

Maybe this woman has her own issues with her weight 

You never know....

I was wondering about you

Has this or something similar ever happened to you?

How did you react?

Do you think it's body shaming?

Answers on a postcard please...

9 To 5....

Today is a glorious day

Today is utterly marvellous 

Because today 

Today I have a day off

A much needed day off

I don't even have horse riding today 

It's now 11am

And the whole day stretches before me 

With a whole lot of nothing to do

I woke up this morning with a start 

Thinking about what I had to do today

Usually if I'm working or heading off somewhere 

I get up an hour early to walk the dogs

I always make sure they get a walk

As they are hyper if they don't 

So I woke up this morning 

Then had the most delicious feeling 

When I realised that I had sweet f#*k all to do today 

I slept in until 8 30am people!

It was utter bliss

And it's great to feel like I earned my day off

I swear I am sleeping the best I ever have 

I can't make it past 10pm these nights 

I don't even read before going to bed 

I got up 

All the while enjoying the feeling that I had no where to be 

And nothing to do 

I had breakfast with my sister 

Then got dressed and headed out with Honey and Lea 

I try and bring them out early these days 

As it gets too hot during the day for them 

So

I piled the dogs in to the back of my car 

And we headed for the beach 

Where we had a lovely walk

Honey is looking like quite a character these days 

Her fur is long and shaggy 

She has one eye 

And ahe needs a good wash

She's like a little old lady 

And at the grand ol' age of eleven 

I guess she is 

After our walk 

I did a bit of shopping 

Before heading home

Yesterday 

I was in work in the morning 

To meet the other staff members 

They all seem lovely 

And again 

Georgina went through some policies and procedures 

It's great that she is so clear and direct 

Sometimes I need things spelled out for me 

Just so I am absolutely certain about what I need to do 

As I was standing there 

Side by side with my fellow workers 

I felt a great swell of pride 

I felt like now I am a working woman 

Part of the work force 

Part of a team 

Contributing to society 

And earning my keep 

It's been a long time since I had that feeling 

Like I am strong and independent 

Taking care of my own side of the street 

Earning money 

Maybe even treating myself to a little something 

When I get my first pay check

I have promised my Mum and sister that I will bring them out for dinner 

I can't wait to do that 

To give back some of the love and kindness that they show me all the time 

I am back in work tomorrow 

And I have 8 hour shifts every day until Tuesday 

So I really am being thrown in at the deep end 

But I guess that's the best way to learn 

I am super excited to start 

I was incredibly nervous and anxious 

But I just feel ready 

Ready to work 

And work hard 

There's nothing more I can learn 

With being on a live shift 

I've done all the theory I can 

It's time to put it in to practise

As for confidence?

Well 

I think it's a fake it till I make job

So this is it 

I'm starting work 

I can't quite believe it 

If you had told me a year ago that I would be starting work this summer 

A real proper grown up job

I would not have believed you 

In fact I would have laughed at you 

I was in such a dark place 

Since coming out of treatment two years ago 

I have been up and down and all over the place as far as my recovery was concerned 

But I think since Christmas 

I've been fairly steady and stable 

My weight is good 

My mood is also pretty good 

Starting horse therapy has been the catalyst I think 

It has literally been a life changer 

I've made new friends 

Real friends who just want the best for me 

I get to spend time with beautiful animals 

I get to learn a new skill 

I couldn't ask for more 

In AA and NA

They say that if you follow the programme 

You will obtain a life beyond your wildest dreams 

When I first heard this 

I thought it meant in terms of money and material gains 

Nice house 

New car 

Pretty clothes 

Plenty of money 

Now I know different 

Now I know that a life beyond your wildest dreams means something else 

It means being clean and sober 

Wanting to be clean and sober 

It means having peace of mind 

Which you just can't put a price on 

It means feeling good about myself 

Liking 

Even loving myself 

It means getting through the day without hurting myself or anyone else 

It has precious little to do with money 

So 

Please say a little prayer for me 

They I get on well in my new job 

Please send some positive vibes my way 

It's so exciting to have something positive to write about 

Please take comfort in the fact that I have come from a very dark place 

And know that it is possible to live a life without ED or addiction

Right 

I'm off to make a cup of tea 

And soak up some sun

Have a good Wednesday ya'll 

And I'll see you on the next post....