Party!!

Today is Thursday 25 of August

Which means tonight is my staff party

Every year

Towards the end of the season

They head out for a well deserved treat

Last year they went to the races

But this year we are going to, wait for it...

....Bingo!!

Yes Bingo!

Why on earth are you going to Bingo I hear you ask 

Well

The two house keepers at work are avid Bingo fans 

And this is their last year working before they retire 

So we decided to do something that they would enjoy 

We are meeting in a pub this evening at 7pm 

Then after a couple of drinks 

We are heading to Bingo for 8pm

They will most likely go back to the pub afterwards 

I am both really looking forward to tonight 

And dreading it in equal measures

Obviously 

I won't be drinking 

And I have been thinking about how I'm going to manage that 

In reality

I don't need to explain myself to anyone 

But I know I am going to be asked what I want to drink 

And I'll just be asking for a soft drink 

Really it's no ones business whether I drink or not 

All I need to say is that I don't drink

Period

I'm getting my hair done at 3pm

I'm getting some braids on one hAlf of my head 

And I'm going to wear a sleeveless shirt with jeans and some smart trainers 

For me 

Comfort is the priority 

I spent too many years 

Trying to be someone I wasn't 

And let me tell you 

That is utterly exhausting and soul destroying 

Thank the Lord that I don't have to do that any more 

Any way 

Look 

I will go 

And do my best to have a good time 

So 

I better run 

I will post tomorrow to let you know how it went 

And of course to share some photos with you....

That is a given

Ok

Talk soon 

And see you on the next post....

Saturday

I usually work Saturdays 

But 

Work is quiet so I have another day off

This is both a good and a bad thing 

Bad in that I don't get paid 

Meaning that this week I have only worked a total of eight hours

But good in that I get to do fun stuff

Like sleep in 

Watch TV 

And blog and generally relax

So that's what I'm doing today

There are a lot of things about work I would love to blog about 

But I don't feel right writing about them

And posting it on the Internet 

So I will just keep things general

Last week 

And the week before 

I picked up extra hours 

As one of the girls was unwell

I was grateful to have the extra hours and pay 

But towards the end of the week

I kind of felt like I was being tAken for granted 

The sick girl was supposed to come back to work Thursday morning 

But I got a text at midnight on Wednesday from her 

Asking me to do her shift 

I was pretty annoyed about being asked at such short notice 

But 

I thought there was no one to go in to do the shift 

So I agreed to do it

I got up at 7am the next morning 

To be in work for 8 am

I was not a happy camper to say the least 

I thought I was on my own to do breakfast 

So you can imagine my surprise when one of the other ladies who works there walked in the door 

She was just as surprised to see me

Then the girl who had been poorly turned up too 

I was pretty annoyed 

Although I didn't show it 

Needless to say 

I left them to it 

And headed home

Later on that day 

I got a call from Georgina 

She apologised about the morning 

And said that this girl should never have asked me to work 

Without going through Georgina first 

She had a stern talk with her 

I then got a flurry of texts from the girl 

Apologising 

And trying to make things right

Of course I won't hold a grudge 

And apart from my feeling a little bit used 

No harm was done 

So we will build a bridge and get over it 

In other news 

Following my last post 

A few of you were adamant 

That I should not weigh myself on Monday

Just to remind you 

I have been feeling very fat and cumbersome

And had planned to get my doctor to weigh me on Monday morning 

I just feel like there is so much of me 

Sometimes it bothers me 

But most of the time I can rationalise that I am not obese 

And am in fact a healthy weight 

But recently 

I am finding it hard to appease myself 

I know there are other ways to keep an eye on my weight

Like how my clothes fit 

They fit perfectly 

In all honesty 

I feel no difference there 

But then I look in the mirror 

And I estimate by looking at myself 

They I am  size 14-16

Even though my clothes are size 8-10

And as well as that 

I hate that it still matters to me what I weigh 

Up until now 

I have been going by how I feel 

And not how I look 

I feel pretty good 

So who cares what I weigh?

Well

Me apparently 

I bloody care 

Or at least the ED part of me cares

But really and truly 

Weight should be the last thing on my mind 

And most of the time it is 

But just in the last week 

Having so much time off 

Has me looking for trouble 

This is why being busy is good for me people 

It keeps my mind distracted 

And I don't have time to think about things like weight or drugs 

But look

Hopefully this is just a temporary thing 

And I will move past it 

I am undecided whether to weigh on Monday or not

I guess one of two things could happen 

I could be relieved and reassured 

Or I could be horrified and repulsed 

But really 

I shouldn't let those numbers get to me so much 

However 

I will think about it 

And as ever 

I will keep you posted 

There is a girl at work 

And she has taken it upon herself to set me up with a guy 

She herself is all loved up 

So I guess she wants me to be too

She spoke about a few possibilities 

Even the chef at work 

But another girl that works there has a little crush on him

So I couldn't really do that to her

She could very well hunt me down and kill me in my sleep

But to be honest with you 

I do think the chef is a really nice and good guy 

When I first met him 

I didn't feel any attraction at all

But as I got to know him

And saw what a really sound guy he is 

He became more attractive to me 

Now 

The thing is 

I am not sure if I am mistaking friendship for something more 

I mean 

We get on great 

And he knows some of my history 

And didn't run in the opposite direction when I told him

He's just a very kind, caring and considerate guy 

I like him 

I'm just not sure if I like him like him

Am I making any sense here at all?

Watch this space I guess 

So 

All in all 

Things are going well 

I'm happy in work 

Happy with my friends 

Happy with my hobbies which keep me sane 

Happy at horse riding 

Happy in my recovery 

It's only been a few months 

But my life has changed drastically 

It's unrecognisable to what it was 

And I am so very grateful for that 

Also to have this community 

You all have been there for the past four and a half years 

Laughed and cried with me 

And always there by my side 

I am eternally grateful for that 

I will never forget you 

Thank you 

To each and every one of you 

From the bottom of my heart 

Bad blogger

Yes

I have been quite the bad blogger lately 

But in one way it's good

It means that my real life is full and busy

Instead of writing about my life 

I am actively living it

I do aplogise though

For not replying to comments 

For not keeping up with your blogs 

And for generally being MIA

It's hard to believe that the summer season is nearly over 

The town I work in is a seaside town 

So the population explodes during the summer

And is like a ghost town during winter 

As they say 

You have to make hay while the sun shines 

So everyone tries to make a buck while they can 

It seems like five minutes ago that I started working 

And now it's nearly over 

I can't lie 

I am really going to miss it

The people 

The guests 

My co workers 

The structure 

The routine 

Not to mention the money 

I know that I need to be smart 

And have things lined up for autumn 

Whether that be another job

Or a course

Something to keep me out of trouble 

As we all know that the devil makes work for idle hands 

Georgina has told me that if something comes up 

She will keep me in mind 

So I am grateful for that 

I really have done my best to be a reliable and hard worker 

As I often say 

It has taken me a lot of hard work

To get to the point where most people start off 

Just to get to the starting block

I've had to fight my way through the maze that is addiction and disordered eating 

Just to be the same as everyone else 

But hey 

That's life 

Some people just have to fight that bit harder 

Although things are going well

I still have a lot of work to do 

Especially around my intake 

If crisps and peanuts and chocolate are junk food 

Then I pretty much survive on junk food 

I can't lie 

I don't eat enough fruit and veg

In fact I don't eat any fruit at all 

At work 

I have what ever is going 

Which could be anything from a fry to bangers and mash 

But hey 

At least I'm eating 

No? 

Well

I'm still alive 

So I must be doing something right

But this week

I had a sudden panic that I had gained too much weight 

I have nothing to base this information on

I don't have a scales 

And my clothes still fit 

Do really I have no evidence to support this 

It's nothing more than a feeling 

So I think I'm going to ask my doctor up weigh me on Monday 

Just to ease my mind 

Is this good idea?

I don't know 

I guess I will find out on Monday

Anyway 

This was just a little post 

To let you know that I am here 

I'm ok 

I'm alive and kicking 

Working 

Living life

Loving life 

Making mistakes on a daily basis

But learning from them too 

In looking forward to closing one chapter of my life 

And starting another 

I'm excited to see where life takes me 

It never ceases to amaze me the direction that life takes me 

And I am blessed to have wonderful people around me every step of the way 

I love it!!!!

Workin' 9 to 5....

Well not quite 9 to 5

More like 8 - 4

But you know what I mean

Our hours had been cut last week

Due to the centre being quiet mid week

But I managed to pick up some extra hours this week

As one of the girls is sick

Yesterday I was in by myself 

I was supposed to be working 8-12pm

But in actual fact 

I didn't get away until 3pm

There was just a lot to be done 

And I wanted to leave things in some sort of order 

Before I left 

I was chatting to Georgina in the office 

I said to her that I felt like I was forgetting to do something 

She told me not to second guess myself 

To be confident that I have done everything to a high standard 

But even so 

I was reluctant to leave without checking every thing 

And actually 

When I got home 

I started to worry that I hadn't turned the gas off 

And texted Georgina to check 

Of course I had 

But still 

Better safe than sorry 

I couldn't live with myself if I had inadvertently caused an accident at work 

But anyway 

All was well 

And I did my best to leave everything spic and span

I didn't even stop to eat 

So i know I worked hard 

Before I left 

Georgina asked me if I had seen one of the interviewers for my job on Monday 

His name is John

And he was one of the panel that interviewed me back in February

Apparently he called in to the centre this week

But I don't remember seeing him

Anyway 

He obviously saw me

As he said to Georgina that I was a different woman 

They was nice to hear 

She also said that back at my interview 

I looked quite unwell

I remember it so clearly 

I was going to wear a great jacket to the interview 

But my mam said I looked too thin I it 

So I had to find something else 

All along 

Georgina has said that the centre will be good for me 

And I will be good for the centre 

It's so true 

I am loving work 

And it has done me the world of good 

I couldn't ask for more 

As I said 

I was in on Monday morning for one of the girls 

I was chatting to the chef 

He is a young man 

The same age as me 

H was telling me that he had hurt his back playing golf 

And also that his chest was sore 

I was telling him that he should go to the doctor 

But like a typical man 

He wouldn't 

In fact at 9am 

I ran over to my own doctor 

To collect my script 

The chef asked me if I mind going to the doctor 

I said I didn't 

And in fact I had to go every week

He asked why 

And I knew I had talked myself in to corner 

For some reason 

I'm not quite sure why 

But I ended up telling him that I had a drug problem years ago

And that I was on a methadone programme

He reacted quite well

And seemed very curious 

Asked me questions 

I get on with this guy pretty well

So I didn't feel uncomfortable telling him 

He said he wouldn't tell anyone 

And I believe him

Although afterwards

I worried that I had been a bit too honest 

But look 

I'm open about my past 

I have nothing to hide 

And it's not like i am going around broadcasting it 

I told one person 

Anyway 

It's done now 

You can't unring a bell

I don't worry that he judged me 

He is not like that 

And anyway 

If he talks 

I'll know he broke my trust 

And I won't risk telling anyone else 

I'm back in work this evening 

Just four hours 

Which always flies by 

Then I'm back in tomorrow morning for hours 

Then an eight hour shift on Sunday

So I'll have a very healthy pay cheque next week 

Which is always nice

Also 

Thank you all for your feedback on my last post

I know I haven't been great at replying to comments

So apologies for that

But no 

I'm not going anywhere 

This blog 

And my friends here mean too much to me 

Even if our community is shrinking 

There are still plenty of us to keep it going 

Even if no one reads 

My blog is still a personal record for myself 

A diary of sorts 

And of course 

I always write in the hope that my blog can help someone else in a similar situation 

Because as you know 

My life has been quite eventful 

And I am coming out the other side of my illness and issues 

There is one thing that always sticks in my mind 

Something my psychiatrist wrote in a letter once 

That I have a 'chronic eating disorder'

And 'severe and enduring mental illness'

I can remember reading that and thinking 

That's not me 

That must be about someone else 

The words chronic 

And severe and enduring just sounded so hopeless 

These are words that have never left me 

And being my stubborn self 

Wanted to prove that doctor wrong 

Now I am 

I've managed to claw back in a few months, everything that I lost in the previous 15 years 

As I often say 

As quickly as things can go wrong 

They can also turn around just as quick 

It is just so so important to keep hoping and believing that things can get better 

To keep fighting for a better life 

For you and your family 

Because for every person that has a mental health issue or addiction

There is a whole group of family and friends that are suffering too

Often in silence 

So 

If you think you can't go own 

If recovery seems like something out of reach 

Please know that it is possible 

I promise you that 

You have just got to keep holding on 

It will pay off 

And you will get better 

Look at me 

I thought I would never get well

And now I am the best I've been in a long time 

It is possible 

Recovery can happen 

It's there 

You just have to reach out and grab it

To blog or not to blog....

....That is the question

I'm sure you have noticed that I'm not blogging as much now as I used to

For a couple of reasons

I don't have as much free time 

Now that I am working 

And also 

I just don't have the material 

Back in 2012

I started writing this blog when I was I the thick of my disorder

The following years documented my struggles 

As I tried to recover

Now 

Over four years later 

I can finally say with confidence, that I am in recovery 

I am living post ED

Of course that is wonderful 

But it leaves my blog in a kind of limbo 

I rarely write about ED or addiction related topics anymore 

Yet I am still part of this community 

I guess I am just not sure if my blog is relevant any more 

After a few weeks of off the chart statistics 

My numbers have dropped again 

That doesn't bother me 

But I do wonder if my blog is needed or wanted anymore

So I am throwing the question over to you 

Do you still read my blog?

If yes why?

If no why?

Do you think there is still a place for my blog here on blogger?

What is a blogger to do.....?

Injury

I was off work for a few days last week

As the centre was quiet and I wasn't needed

However

Georgina rang me on Wednesday 

And asked if I could do the house keeping shift the following day

I jumped at the chance 

As I need the hours 

And would be glad of the money 

So I arrived in to work for 10am

Prepared for a full day of hard work 

I got straight in it 

Stripping beds 

Changing sheets 

Replenishing towels 

I was on my own 

But Georgina was up and down to me 

I was following her out of one of the rooms 

And I was kind of trailing my fingers on the door 

When the door closed

And it closed on my thumb 

These are not any ordinary doors 

They are big heavy fire doors 

That close themselves 

So the door closed on my left thumb

I felt the pain

My thumb being utterly squashed 

Georgina was ahead of me 

But I couldn't get the words out 

To tell her I was stuck

But fair play to her 

When she saw the look on my face 

She realised what had happened 

She had to come around me 

To open the door and release my thumb 

It was only seconds 

But it felt like an eternity 

I looked at my thumb

It was all squashed and twisted looking 

Georgina immediately told me to hold it under cold water 

While she ran and got ice 

I couldn't really think straight 

I think I was in a bit of shock 

Another worker and the chef came up to me 

Which was nice of them 

I headed down to the dining room

To drink a cup of sugary tea

And to sit and hold the ice to my poor thumb

After sitting for a while 

I went over to the other centre 

Where a very kind woman called Denise coveted my thumb in arnica 

To help prevent bruising 

But still

My thumb was turning black as we watched it

To be safe 

Denise rang the doctor 

And they told her to send me over 

I went and collected my bag 

And we drive over 

Even though it was only down the road 

In the mean time 

I rang my mam 

Who happened to be shopping in town 

So she made her way over to me 

I wasn't waiting long in the doctors 

It wasn't my usual doctor 

But it was Nice Woman Doctor 

So that was good 

She examined my thumb

Asked me to give a thumbs up

Which I couldn't really do 

I also couldn't really bend it

She said there was 40% chance that the bone was broken 

And said if it got any worse 

To go into casualty 

So she gave me a letter to give radiology 

And told me to go home 

And keep an eye on it 

So having barely worked a couple of hours 

I was heading home for the rest of the day 

I felt really pissed off

As I felt I was letting people down 

But hey 

What could I do?

I would have been no addition to them in work 

And I could have further injured myself 

So I took it easy for the set of the day 

My thumb was sore 

But it was pain I could bear

So I was pretty sure that it wasn't broken

And I was back in work yesterday 

And today 

The season is kind of winding down now. 

And we are not as busy 

I love being in work on a Friday 

As I get to meet everyone checking in

And it's easier to remember faces and names 

At least I find easier 

There are a lovely bunch staying with us this week 

Some real characters 

And this is what I love about my job 

I get to meet a whole range of different people 

From tiny tots to the elderly

Disabled people 

Mentally unwell people 

From all over 

And from all walks of life

It really opens my mind 

And reminds me that there is a whole wide world out there 

And most of all 

It takes me away from myself 

From ruminating 

Procrastinating 

From obsessing about one thing or another 

I am so busy at work 

That I don't get a chance to worry over my own stuff 

Which is great 

I really love my job though

I love everything about it 

My co workers 

My manager 

The guests 

Everyone is so lovely 

It's like this job was made for me 

It's busy 

But not stressful 

It's demanding emotionally 

But I can handle that 

And am able to leave work at work when I leave 

Most of the time anyway 

I am just so grateful that Georgina gave me a chance 

Because that's exactly what I needed 

Someone to see past the illness 

The addiction 

The struggles I have 

And give me a chance to grow and blossom and flourish 

Georgina is an incredible lady 

So passionAte about her work 

And that runs off on me 

I am definitely learning a lot from her 

In lots of areas 

How to deal with people

Sticky situations 

How to multitask 

How to work smarter instead of harder 

And my work is not just a job 

We provide holidays for people who might not ordinarily get one 

We help financially 

And we are there to chat and to listen 

It runs like a hotel 

But it's not really a hotel 

It's a house 

And everyone is welcome 

I really feel privileged that I get to help a family or a group enjoy their holiday 

I love chatting to the guests 

And probably do it a bit too much 

But look 

If it helps them

I am more than happy to sit and listen 

Some people just want someone to talk to 

And often times it's easier to speak to someone whose not directly involved in the situation 

So yes

I  am happy out at the moment 

Before I know it 

The summer will be over 

And do will my job 

I will really miss it though 

Even though Georgina said if anything came up

She would keep me in mind 

So hopefully something will

I need to tell you 

I feel in a really good place at the moment 

Life couldn't be better 

Of course I get days when I don't want to get out of bed 

When everything I try on makes me look huge 

When I just want to sit and cry my eyes out

But everyone gets these days 

I am not special 

I am human 

And as humans we have bad days 

And that's perfectly ok

It's normal 

Show me a person who never has a bad day 

And I will eat my own foot 

My happiness at the moment is not connected to my weight 

Or the fact I am self medicating 

It's an inner happiness 

That comes from feeling good about myself 

From work hard 

Both at my job 

And at my recovery 

I know I'm lucky 

I have a strong family around me

Some amazing friends and co workers 

I couldn't ask for more

I remember from AA

There are 12 promises 

And one of them is that you will find a life beyond your wildest dreams

It's not about money 

Or material gains 

It's about living a real and authentic life 

From opening my heart and my mind 

From feeding myself good food 

From not weighing myself 

From being the best person I can be 

So today 

I urge you 

For one day 

Let go of your vice 

See what life is like without it 

I promise you 

The feeling of contentment I have 

Is better than any drug

Any number on a scale 

It's a feeling that I am ok

More than ok 

That I'm going to make it 

Despite everything I have been through 

I still want to live my life 

I still want to carry on

You can't ask for more than that...

Toughing it out...

The last few days have been tough

After hearing about the suicide of my friend 

I almost fell apart

I was at work when I found out 

So I couldn't very well crumble then

But on Sunday night

I had a dream about my friend 

He was exactly the way I remember him

Young 

Carefree

Cheeky 

I woke up in the morning in tears

Cue a whole day of feeling so sad and emotional

I had my doctor at 9am

And the minute I sat down in his office 

The tears continued to flow

My doctor was so kind to me 

He let me cry 

Gave me as much time as I needed to collect myself 

The thing about suicide 

Is that it leaves so many unanswered questions 

And what ifs?

What if I had been a better friend?

What if we had never broke up?

What if I had made more of an effort?

But as my doctor said 

A person could seem fine one minute 

Then go home and overdose 

Or hang themselves 

You just never know what is going through a persons head 

On Sunday I went to mass at the holy well with my parents 

I prayed for my friend 

And lit a candle for him

Saying goodbye in my own way 

I just hope he is at peace now 

Finally 

I've had no work since Saturday 

As it's been very quiet

But I'm back in tomorrow 

And will be working all weekend 

To be honest 

I've missed work 

I miss the structure 

The routine 

The escape 

The people 

I'm glad to get back to it 

And of course the paycheque at the end of the week is always welcome 

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday 

Or at least one of his team 

She was lovely 

A Polish lady 

So friendly and enthusiastic 

She told me that she had been reading my file 

And that I am doing really well

She seemed genuinely pleased for me 

I spoke a bit about my friend 

As he has been on my mind so very much 

She was so kind too 

I must say 

I feel

So grateful for the people I have in my life 

A lot of the time 

I feel like I am being carried along by them 

My feet not touching the ground at all 

I am surrounded by amazing people 

My family 

My friends 

May horse riding 

At work 

And especially the friends I've made recently 

Now I can say that I truly know the meaning of friendship 

I've let go of people who were dragging me down 

Using me

I now know that I am worth so much more 

I deserve to be treated well

Just like anyone else 

I won't set myself on fire 

To keep someone else warm

And God knows I've done enough of that over the years 

Today 

I am just back from horse riding 

It was fantastic as always 

I got a lift out with Fintan 

And it was just the two of us today 

I like when it's just the two of us 

As we are in a similar place riding wise 

And today Eilish really pushed us 

And got very technical

I loved it though 

I love the challenge 

I'm so eager to learn and improve 

And just be the best that I can 

We did a good bit of cantering 

Which is such a rush!

I swear 

I am so envious of Eilish and her family 

The have this brilliant facility in their back garden 

They can ride when ever they want 

I would give anything to have that available to me 

An hour a week just isn't enough anymore 

So I asked Eilish if come autumn I could go out for half a day a week

And maybe get two lessons instead of one 

Fintan would also love to do this 

Eilish said to leave it with her 

So hopefully that will happen for us 

It would just make more sense all round 

I travel an hour to get to riding 

So to spend more time there would really benefit me

I finish work in September 

So it would be great to have that To look forward to

In other news

My Dad is deteriorating quite a bit 

And we are all very concerned about him

We worry that he is not managing at home alone 

Basic every day things like dressing, cooking and shopping my are becoming increasingly difficult fir him

The nurse specialist is visiting him today 

And in fairness 

The support he is getting is fantastic 

He is being well looked after 

It's very hard as we need endless patience to deal with him

I guess it's an adjustment for us all

And it will take time 

But yes 

Even though I am feeling a bit raw and emotional 

I am ok 

Or at least I will be

I like to think of my friend as I knew him 

And I do have a lot of fond memories 

That's what I'm going to hold on to

It seems everyone has a past 

Something they are dealing with 

No one is immune 

No one gets off Scott free

We all have across to bear 

ED wise 

I am doing ok 

I have no clue what I weigh 

It doesn't really matter I guess 

As long as my clothes fit 

And I feel healthy and well

That's all that really matters 

Yes I still purge from time to time 

But recovery is about progression not perfection

I'm doing the best I can

I'm eating 

I'm not restricting in any way 

I'm not compensating with exercise or laxatives 

Yes 

I still struggle with body image 

And struggle not see myself body in a negative light 

I have to accept I'm not 19 anymore 

I am a 34 year old woman 

I have boobs and hips 

I'm curvy 

I have a shape 

Some days I love it 

Other days I hate it 

But I'm healthy and happy 

No matter what I weigh 

I would take this over anorexia or bulimia any day of the week

So 

That's it from me for today 

I'm off for a cuppa 

And to spend some time with my dogs 

See you on the next post....