The day after

I'm feeling a bit more sane and rational today

Yesterday's post was a knee jerk reaction

To my weighing myself 

It's amazing the clarity a good nights sleep can bring 

I feel quite differently about it this morning 

I mean come on Ruby 

Your BMI is on the low side of healthy 

All my clothes fit me 

I'm not overweight 

No where near it in fact 

So basically 

I need to stop worrying about my weight 

And start living my life 

I'm a firm believer in rocking what you've got 

And confidence is often the most attractive thing about a person

So that's what I'm going to do 

This is my body at the moment 

It has shape 

It has curves 

I'm going to embrace them for what they are 

Signs that I am healthy and happy

Truth be told 

I don't want a super skinny body 

I don't want to be underweight 

I just to be happy in my own skin

And I am most of the time 

I have a lot to be grateful for 

I made it through opiate addiction

And an eating disorder 

I should be glad that I have a healthy body 

After everything I put it through 

Yes 

I so need to work on my diet 

And try and eat a balanced diet 

But there is no panic 

No stress 

I'm doing ok

I'm 

Doing 

Ok....

Untitled

I made a mistake last week

I had been dying to know my weight 

As I felt like it was spinning out of control

I was going to buy a scales 

But they had none in my local pharmacy 

Is that a sign or what?

Anyway 

As I waited for my meds to be dispensed 

I spotted the stand in scales in the corner of the store 

It was one where you put in a coin

And it takes your weight 

Your height

And your BMI

Curiosity over took me 

I took off my jacket and my trainers 

And put a coin in to the slot 

I stood holding my breath

As if the air in my lungs would effect the reading 

The machine printed out my ticket 

I put it in my coat pocket

And I took a seat 

I was torn about whether to look at it 

It was burning a hole in my jeans 

 I wanted to know 

Yet I didn't want to know

I knew it was a bad idea 

But I just couldn't help myself 

I tentatively pulled the slip of paper from my jeans pocket 

My heart was thumping 

And I prepared myself for the worst case

I opened the ticket 

And processed the numbers  

My weight in stones and pounds 

Also in kilograms 

My percentage body fat 

And my BMI 

Which was between 21 and 22

It couldn't be more average if I tried 

And I hate being average 

Seriously though 

My weight is pretty much what I thought it was 

Even so 

I don't like it

I feel big and cumbersome 

And generally feeling a bit upset about the whole thing

I'm not going on a diet 

Or anything of the sort

I just want to become a little more mindful of how I eat

And not exist on chocolate bars and chips

I want to establish a healthy eating plan

And look 

I know that's not sustainable 100% of the time 

Everything in moderation 

Including moderation 

I just want to feel Ok in my body 

And I don't feel that at the moment 

I'm not slipping or relapsing  at all 

That is for sure 

I just think that I don't  need to gain any more weight 

So I can put a halt to that now 

So 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

Have you ever tried to eat differently while in recovery?

Do you think it is a good idea?

Why?

Your feedback is much appreciated....

Horsemanship

As I mentioned a few post s ago

I've decided to apply for a horsemanship course

In a town about thirty minutes from my house

It's a full time course

That lasts 18 months 

I would spend two days a week in a stables

And three days in the classroom

Learning about every aspect of horse riding 

Horse care 

Feeding 

Cleaning 

The works 

So last week

I rang to inquire about the course 

And was speaking to a very helpful lady called Atlanta

She explained more about the course

And also posted me the application forms 

The course is through a centre called the National Learning Network

Who specialise in reintegrating people in to training and work 

I got the application forms during the week

And filled them out carefully

I also have to ask my doctor to fill out the health form too

So I will do that when I see him on Monday

I arranged with Atlanta to call in to the NLN on Thursday morning 

To give her the forms 

And to be shown around and introduced to the staff

So I am looking forward to that 

I have to admit 

I am super duper excited to start this course 

More excited than I have been about anything recently 

My only draw back is the travelling 

The centre is thirty minutes away 

So realistically 

I would need to get a bus in to town 

And a bus home in the evening 

I am waiting on a date for my drift lving test 

And until then 

I need to bus it in and out 

The other thing that is a negative 

Is that I will no longer be able to do my horse therapy on a Wednesday

I will absolutely miss it 

My friends 

Star 

Molly the dog 

Everyone 

One of the guys called Pat

Actually did two weeks of the course I applying for 

He said that you are very much left to your devices on the horses

And there wouldn't be as much support as there is in Keash equestrian centre 

But the thing is 

That Pat has MS

And he would find it much tougher than say someone with no disability 

Eilish wouldn't really comment on my doing the course 

Although she did say that she knew a girl that did this course 

Came off the horse 

And broke her arm in three places 

Not what I wanted to hear 

I did want to hear something positive though

Like I was well able for it 

Or that I was good enough to do it

But maybe she was trying to caution me 

I'm not quite sure 

They say if something excites you and scares you 

You should probably do it 

And I am scared and excited 

I get butterflies in my tummy when I think about it 

In fact 

I can think of nothing else

I know if I do this course 

I will need to keep my strength and energy topped up

Looking after horses is hard work 

And I will need to eat properly 

For stamina 

To keep me capable and able to do the work 

And what better motivation!

So 

Next week 

I will meet Atlanta 

And I think the course sounds like it starts pretty much starts straight away 

Things are moving so fast at the moment 

It's hard to keep up  

I don't know if they are moving too fast 

And maybe I need to slow down and pace myself 

But this is me all over 

Ten steps ahead of myself at any one time 

But I am so looking forward to starting 

I am eager to learn 

Excited to be riding twice a week

To meet new people 

And to  do the thing I love 

Horse riding 

It's going to be pretty tough 

I know that 

Especially coming in to the Winter 

And possible bad weather conditions 

There are going to be landong days for me

But  

I love it so much 

That I am willing to go the extra mile 

Literally 

I think this course will be great for me

And look

I can try it 

And if it doesn't work out

I can always go back to horse therapy 

I have nothing to lose by trying this course 

And everything to gain

I just have a really good feeling about it 

And what it could mean for me

I know I'll never ride in the Olympics 

Or anything like it

I just want to be able to be the best that I can be 

That's all

I want to fulfil my potential 

And anyway 

I don't take it too seriously 

It's all about having fun

And the most important thing is to enjoy it

So please 

Say a wee prayer for me 

And keep your fingers crossed that this works out for me 

I haven't wanted something so bad in a long long time  

And it's great for me 

For my physical health

My mental health 

Horse riding has been a huge part in my recovery 

It gives me a buzz naturally 

It's something to stay well for 

Something to look forward to

If you had told me last year that within a few months I would be starting a horsemanship course 

I would have laughed at you 

It was a dream to work and train with animals

And now that dream is coming true

It's actually happening 

And it feels amazing!!

Anyway 

I will keep you posted 

As ever 

And let you know what is happening over here in my little world 

Have a good weekend 

And she you on the next post x

Neurodisney

As I type this 

I am sitting in a waiting room

In clinic D

Which is the Motor Neurone Disease clinic

In Beaumont hospital

On the north side of Dublin

I think I mentioned that my Dad was diagnosed with MND a few months ago

Which affects his lower limbs 

His hands are pretty much crippled

He can't open or close buttons 

Pull his zips up

Has trouble eating 

Opening bottles and jars

His legs are also affected

And he now walks with a stick

At one point today 

Dad came out of the bathroom holding his trousers up

And I had to zip and fasten them for him

Not that I mind doing it at all

It's just sad that he can't 

It was a real shock when he was diagnosed 

And we were all very upset 

But we are told his particular illness is slow progressing 

So 

Every couple of months 

Dad visits the MND clinic in Dublin

Where he is seen by the top neurologist in the country 

Professor Orla Hardiman

Amongst others such as the physiotherapist, the psychologist

And various other specialists 

This time 

Myself and my sister have made the trip to Dublin with my Dad

To give you an idea of the journey 

Dublin is on the east coast 

We live on the west coast 

And Dad lives right in the middle between the two

It's a three hour journey each way

Which makes for a very long day 

I really wanted to come today though 

To support my Dad 

And also support my sister who drove today 

I wanted to experience the clinic 

And meet all the specialists that Dad talks about 

My sister and left home at about 9am this morning 

We hit the road in good spirits 

Prepared for a long and possibly stressful day 

We arrived at my Dads at about 11am

Which is the house I grew up in

I don't go back to my home town as a rule 

As it is just one big trigger for me 

We drove through the town itself 

Some things hadn't changed 

Others were unrecognisable 

Being back in my childhood home is always very strange 

Every time I visit there it seems to get smaller 

Or maybe I'm getting bigger

I took a walk around the living room while waiting for my Dad 

So many ghosts and memories 

Mostly not good 

I could almost hear the shouts of arguments 

Feel the tension

The bad energy that lingers 

Truth be told 

I don't like being there 

I never did 

Anyway 

We hit the road to Dublin

I decided not to take my meds until I got home 

As I wanted to be as alert as possible

We arrived in Dublin at lunch time 

Found the hospital with relative ease

Parked in the disabled bay

Getting out of the car and in to the hoSpital 

Was akin to getting a child ready 

We had to put his jacket on 

Get his bag with all his bits and bobs

Get his stick 

Fix his clothes 

All the time watching that he doesn't trip or fall

The my sister accidentally knocked Dads disability parking disc down the front of the car 

Which with the use of a handy credit card 

We managed to retrieve 

And headed in to the hospital

As I walked through reception

I saw a sign for ST. Michaels ward 

Where I spent time when I was 19

In the detox unit 

Detoxing from heroin and methadone 

I was just a kid 

In a locked ward with hardened addicts

It was there I was first told that I had anorexia 

Bad memories 

We found clinic D

And took a seat in the waiting room

My sister and I went to get teas and coffees and sandwiches 

Which we had while we waited 

Looking around 

There were people in all states of MND

Some like my Dad walking with sticks 

Some in wheel chairs 

It was a bit of an eye opener to see the way things could possibly go

We weren't waiting long 

Before we were called to see the first doctor 

Dr. Amina Coffey

She was a young Muslim doctor 

Very pleasant

And very thorough 

As she carried out the examination

My sister took rough notes of things we would need to remember 

Then professor Hardiman saw Dad briefly 

They seemed happy that things were going relatively well

And there was no great deterioration

Next we saw Niamh

One of the physiotherapists 

Whose area seemed to be a closet off the waiting room 

She went through a questionare with Dad

Now we are back in the waiting room

My sister is dozing 

I am blogging 

And Dad is looking pensive  

In with the doctor 

Dad mentioned that his appetite has been effected 

And later on admitted to me that when he is hungry 

He can't just make something easily 

So he just has a cigar and a cup of tea 

This worried me some 

So the doctor weighed my Dad 

His weight was 76.9 kilos

I asked what it had been at his last check up 

She told me that it was 78.9 kilos 

So he has lost a little bit of weight

Not enough to be alarmed 

But it's something to watch 

It's now just after 4pm

And we are all starting to flag a bit

Waiting around like this is pretty exhausting 

And we still have the drive home to look forward to 

It's a real role reversal though

My Dad used to bring me to Dublin

To appointments 

To treatment centres 

And now I'm bringing him 

I can really see him getting old 

And it's not nice 

My Dad was always active 

Coached basketball teams for years 

And to see him deteriorate is tough

But that's life I guess 

Anyway 

I'll leave you here 

And hopefully we'll be finished her soon

I'm sure some of you can relate to parents becoming ill and old 

I was wondering how you all deal with it ?

Right 

I'm off 

See you on the next post....

Monday

I had quite the busy and productive day today

While I was over in my neighbours house minding Bobby the dog

Some people called to view the house

As it is up for sale

They were only supposed to look around outside 

But they asked me if they could have a look inside 

So I put Bobby in to the bedroom

And gave the prospective buyers an impromptu tour of the house

I have to admit 

I really enjoyed it

And really got in to it too

Before I knew I was using words like 'potential' and 'space'

And isn't the light in this room amazing?

They seemed quite impressed with the house 

And made all the right noises 

It is a lovely little cottage

And in an ideal world 

I would snap it up

If I had the funds of course

Why does it always come down to money.....?

Anyway 

After my little tour 

I came home 

And got a call from the lady from the employment scheme I was looking in to 

She asked if I could meet her at lunch time today 

I could 

So we met in the local village 

Her name was Majella

And she was lovely 

She explained that the course is about getting people back in to employment 

By matching them up with an occupation they are interested in 

It's a four year course 

A mixture of training and work

Which is 20 hours a week

She asked me what areas I am interested in 

So of course I said something to do with animals 

And asked her if it would be possible to get a place in a stables 

Here's where the downer comes 

The placement can't be in a working business

It has to be a non profit organisation

So that rules the possibility of working in a stables 

So my next thought was an animal sanctuary 

Which she didn't seem entirely thrilled about 

Failing that 

I said I would be interested in working in an arts centre 

So she seemed a bit more positive about that 

Majella is going to look in to it

And get back to me

But I have to admit 

I was disappointed about the horse riding 

I came home feeling a little deflated

So I decided to do a little digging Of my own

A few short clicks on the computer later 

And I had found a horsemanship course in a town about 30 minutes from me

I decided to give them a ring 

I was speaking to a lady called Atlanta

Who was very helpful 

She told me all about the course 

Which is 18 months long 

Two days a week are spent in the stables learning about care of the horses and riding 

And three days in the classroom 

It sounded brilliant 

So I asked Atlanta so send me out the application form 

She said now is a good time to be applying 

As there are six new people starting the course next month

So I could potentially start then 

Exciting!!!

So 

That leaves me with a couple of options 

I will see what Majella comes back to me with 

And I will also apply for the horsemanship course 

I guess I will have to choose one though 

The good thing about the employment scheme is that it's two and a half days a week 

Which is very manageable 

And I can fit all my other things around it

The horsemanship course is full time 

A bit of a drive away 

But saying that 

I am much more excited to do this course 

Atlanta told me that I could do a tater course lasting a week

To see if it's something I am interested in

To be honest 

I don't need to do that 

I know I'll love it 

But I guess the smart thing to do would be to do it anyway 

Whatever happens 

I will keep my options open

But I feel real excitement when I think of moving on

And doing something I love 

I just know that what I'm meant to do will happen 

Fingers crossed....

Before and after....

When I was at horse riding last week

One of the men called Pat 

Was asking me about my condition

You see the group I ride with 

Are called para-riders

Which means they have a physical condition or disability 

For instance 

Pat has multiple sclerosis 

MS

Land in his case 

It effects the left side of his body 

So he has trouble walking 

Among other things 

Pat was asking me if I have MS

And I explained to him that I am recovering from an eating disorder

Namely anorexia and bulimia 

He didn't really seem to understand what that meant 

So on the spur of the moment 

I showed him a photo on my phone 

Of me when I was very unwell 

He was shocked to see the picture. 

I also showed Eilish and Fintan

Who were equally shocked 

Then when I got home that evening 

I showed my sister 

She said that it is a brilliant photo

If a little disturbing 

I remember when it was taken 

I asked my brothers girlfriend to take some photos of me 

To document that time in my life 

Most of the shots are of me in my underwear 

But the most vivid shots 

We're the ones of just my face 

I look like I have given up 

Like an old and very sad woman

Then I looked at photos of myself now 

And the difference is night and day 

It shows me just how far I have come 

I feel so sorry for the girl in that photo

She looks desperate 

Lonely 

Like she has been crushed by her illness 

And by life

Her eyes look dead

I am just so grateful to have made it out the other side 

To have survived

Here are the photos...

Hello out there?

It's no secret

That over the last few months 

I haven't been the best blogger

Or the best reader or commenter 

I guess I kind of feel like I'm not relevant anymore 

That maybe my blog has done its piece 

And maybe I should think about retiring 

I don't want to

I want to write 

But I am just not getting much feedback these days 

So I don't know if people are reading 

If my blog is still helping people 

And even if it's good for me

Don't get me wrong 

I love you all dearly 

But I am starting to wonder if my blog has run its course 

And maybe it's time to say goodbye 

For now at least 

I started writing this blog back in 2012 

And have faithfully documented every step of my life since then 

I have met the most amazingly kind and wonderful people 

Who I will stay in touch with whether I continue to write or not 

I heavily relied on my blog when I was unwell

I was so isolated and trapped in my illness 

I didn't have friends 

I was so very lonely 

And relied on my blog for support 

For friendship 

For a break from the relentlessness of my condition

Blogger and all the girls in it

We're there for me over the years when I couldn't bear to leave the house or face the world 

But over the last six months 

My situation has improved greatly 

I made friends 

I held down a job 

I regained weight to a healthy BMI

And generally improved in all areas 

Now that my real life is flourishing 

I don't need my blog as much now

I don't have the time 

As I am out living my life 

So I guess that is a good thing 

Anyway 

This is a shout out to you 

If you are reading

If you are still following me 

Let me know t

Let  me know that you are there 

That I am still relevant

And please 

Be honest 

I'm a big girl 

I can take it 

I just need to know that I am still part of this community

And that our community is still thriving 

This is an invitation to you 

To comment 

To text 

To email 

Let me know that you are there 

That my story still needs to be told 

Show me you are there.......