Monday

I really do apologise for my lack of posting

I guess I have been busy living 

And I don't have the time to be writing as much as I used to

Back when I was in the midst of my illness 

I had nothing but time 

And posted every day

Because all I had in my life was the disorder 

It's was all I thought about 

Talked about 

Wrote about 

Read about 

But now

Well

Things are a lot different 

I have regained weight to a healthy BMI

I no longer deny myself food in order to lose weight 

I used to purge up to 20 times a day 

Now it's a rarity rather than the norm

What a transformation it has been 

A crazy ride 

But I made it out the other side

I lived to tell the tale 

Now I don't think about food the way I used to

Food used to be the enemy 

Something to be feared 

Because food meant weight 

And weight was bad

Skinny was good 

And underweight was even better 

It was a safe place 

I was a sick person

That became my identity 

But rewind about 15 years

And after dabbling in drugs for a few years

I become addicted to heroin

While using 

I stayed in various different drug houses 

Where the number one priority was drugs 

Not food 

Not heating 

Every penny went on the drug 

So I would spend a few weeks in the drug house 

Then when the money ran out 

I would go home to recharge my batteries 

I can do clearly remember going home 

And being overwhelmed by all the food in the fridge 

I was so hungry 

But I felt so guilty that I had food 

And my drug using friends didn't 

This was the start of my associating food with guilt

And I've never been the same since 

My eating disorder began here 

Although it took me a long time to make the connection

But I know now that food is not the issue 

It's a symptom of a greater problem 

For me

I know I have an addictive personality 

Coupled with the fact that I struggle to live in reality 

I have low self esteem

And long to get away from my own thoughts 

I've been addicted to many things over the years 

Shoplifting 

Exercising

Shopping

Spending money 

Drifter chocolate bars 

Enemas 

Laxatives 

Prescription meds 

I could go on and on...

The moral of the story is that I need to be careful

If I get a good feeling off something 

I tend to want it again and again 

And quickly get addicted

But at least now I am aware

And can keep an eye on my behaviour 

I've often talked about how addiction and an ED leave a gaping void when they are taken away 

Which needs to be addressed and filled with some thing healthy 

For me

I filled that void with my life of horses and animals in general 

And that is a hell of a lot better than drugs or shopping or drinking 

In other news 

I've been visiting Coco a good bit 

I usually go over three times a week

And being Mam and the dogs 

I think Coco is coming on leaps and bounds 

In the morning 

We give him a bucket of feed 

And an apple or a carrot 

After that it's play time 

And I run around the field with him and the dogs 

Coco has really taken a shine to Lea 

He follows her everywhere 

And one day when we sitting down 

He started to groom her 

Which was just adorable 

It's lovely to see Coco running and frolicking and bucking and playing

He seems to get a great kick out of all the attention he gets 

And I love to se him so happy 

Last week

I brought a grooming mitt over 

And gradually Coco let me groom his nose and face and chest 

I swear that pony has so much potential 

To watch him with Lea is just beautiful 

And he is so gentle with her   

Cocos owner Gordon  and me have been talking about getting him a companion

Gordon says it's up to me 

If I wanted to get a pony/horse for riding 

Well 

I don't need to tell you 

My eyes nearly popped out

And the excitement was massive!

The thoughts of getting my very own pony ?

That is the dream right there!

But look

I know this is something that I really shouldn't rush in to 

Ok 

So I have land 

And plenty of it 

I have a companion 

I have the benefit of the knowledge from my course 

And also Gordon who has spent his whole life around horses 

I did get some good news last week

Thdtbi have my job again in the summer 

Starting May 

This is fantastic news!

And it means I will get a chance to save money

So

The plan is to work as many hours as I can 

Save every penny 

And hopefully at the end of the season 

I will have €2000-€3000 saved 

Enough to adopt a horse 

And to get started  

There are some great horse sanctuary in this country 

And I have contacted a couple of them 

So I will keep my options open 

But you guys 

How exciting is this?

Possibly getting my very first horse!

I never though that this could actually happen 

Having my own horse. 

Would give me a reason to stay well

A reason to get up in the morning

I feel super excited 

But I won't rush in to anything 

I need to 'pace myself' as my mother says 

This is not something to be decided on a whim

I need to be prepared 

I need the funds 

And the time and energy 

It's a massive commitment and responsibility 

I want to give my prospective horse the best life possible 

I can't wait to see what this year brings 

Is it just me or does blogger seem very quiet?

Do let me know if you are out there and still reading 

Let me know that I am not alone...

Coco and Lea....BFFs

I visited Coco a couple of times this week

On Thursday with my Mam, the owner, Ruby the dog and Lea

And today just me and Lea

Coco and Lea are fast becoming besties 

Coco loves her

And follows her around the field 

Today they were running and frolicking 

It was just adorable

I brought a flask of tea 

And Coco thought this was fascinating!

As I drank my tea 

Lea lay down beside me

And Coco came over and started to groom her 

I just love how well they are getting on

After Lea's spinal diagnosis 

We were worried for her future 

But she seems to have found a new lease of life with her new buddy Coco

After a bit of investigating 

I have finally found out who owns the little white pony down the road

I have a phone number for him

It's a work number 

So I will try ringing on Monday 

I bought my first pair of 'country boots' this week

They are brown and are really a glorified welly

But they do the job out in the fields and in the yard

So yes 

The city girl in me is well and truly dead

I am now a country girl

And proud of it!

In other news 

I weighed myself this week

I don't know why 

But I was curious 

Seeing the number 

I was indifferent 

It meant nothing 

It wasn't good 

It wasn't bad 

It was what it was 

A number that holds no pleasure or pain for me anymore 

I think that is good 

I now appreciate my body a lot more 

It's strong 

It's capable 

It's able 

It allows me to go so much 

I'm no longer a physically weak girl 

Now I walk

I run

I ride horses 

I lift

I carry 

I fill out my clothes 

And I love it

But it isn't that long ago that I was in a bad place 

I know how it feels to have no hope 

No belief 

No faith

No reason to go on never mind recover 

In my that place it is incredibly difficult to take that first step in to recovery 

It's terrifying 

And the disorder that was a comfort zone 

Has now become a hiding place 

Anything beyond it I'd too much 

And too scary 

But I have to tell you 

If you do manage to take that first step 

The rewards are instant and massive 

Bigger and better than you could ever believe 

Your physical health will improve 

You will feel better 

You will think clearer 

You will make more sense 

Life will make more sense 

You will begin to see that there is life beyond the disorder 

No matter how deep you are in

It's just a matter of having the courage to shut your eyes 

Clench your fists

Lift one foot 

And take that first step 

You won't regret 

I promise you that 

I am now pretty sure that I did the right thing leaving my course 

I have no regrets 

And I am involved with horses more than ever now 

I am content 

I have moments of happiness 

I am ok 

Finally 

I am ok

Facebook

I got a few photos posted on my last post
But it won't seem to let me post the most recent Ines
If you want to add me on Facebook
Email me or leave a comment
All the photos of Coco and the last month are there....

Pictures at last!!!

Coco meets Lea...

My goodness

It's only the early afternoon

And it's already been an eventful day!

Lea had an appointment with the vet first thing this morning 

It was pretty good news 

Lea isn't in pain

And the meds seem to be working 

She recommended a food supplement 

And possible pet physiotherapist 

But I know swimming is good for it to

So I'd rather do that with Lea

The vet did say that Lea losing some weight would help joints 

It's always a blow to hear that 

As I don't want to be the reason my dog is struggling 

I don't think Lea gets fed a massive amount 

But when she is getting treats and tidbits from so many people 

It all adds up I guess

So we just need to keep an eye on her 

And be mindful with food

She is a trooper though 

She's a good girl 

After a quick cuppa at home 

Myself, Mam and Lea headed off to meet Coco and his owner 

Honey elected to stay in her bed

The drive over takes about 20 minutes 

Cocos owner lives at the  edge of a lake 

And on a bright day like today 

It was just glorious 

We drove up the lane 

And found Coco, his owner and Ruby the three legged dog waiting for us 

We changed in to our wellies 

Which are a must 

Thanks wasn't sure how Lea was going to behave around Coco and Ruby

Ruby was so full of beans 

And Coco seemed to be delighted to have so many visitors and playmates 

We headed in to the field 

Cocos owner has a bucket of feed for him

And Coco danced around him as we walked over to a walled area of the field 

Lea was a gentle giant as ever 

I sat down 

And Coco tucked in to his feed

When he was finished 

He came over to me 

And I had a juicy carrot for him

Again

He thoroughly investigated me 

My hair 

My hands 

My jacket 

My hood 

My hair was in a bun

And at one point he had it in his mouth which was funny!

But even though he is so big 

He is so gentle with it

So there I was 

Sat in the middle of a field 

On a beautiful winters morning 

Lea on one side 

Coco on the other 

Pure bliss!

I couldn't have been happier 

I shit you not 

Cocos owner and Ruby left us then

And got the boat back to his house 

So myself and Mam decided to bring all the animals on a little walk 

We walked around the field 

Coco followed us 

He was so interested in Lea 

And kept trotting over to her 

Then a couple of times 

He broke into a canter which was just adorable 

I too lots of photos 

And a video 

Which I can seem to post 

I will try and figure it out

Anyway 

It was a lovely way to spend a morning 

Coco is slowly but surely melting my heart

I can see so much potential in him

And it's obvious he loves company and attention

As I type this 

I can get the scent of him on my hands 

It's such a lovely smell 

A real country and earthy smell 

I guess now that I live in the country 

I am a country girl

I've probably always been at heart 

As I never felt comfortable in towns or cities 

It just goes to show 

That I made the right decision about my course 

I now know I did the right thing 

I guess I thought that if I gave up the course 

Then I gave up horses 

But that's not the case at all

In fact 

I've been spending more time with horses now than I did when I was doing my course 

Monday I visited the white pony 

Tuesday I had a riding lesson

Wednesday I had horse therapy 

And today I visited Coco

I am happy out 

No stress 

No pressure 

Just a relaxed pace 

And I'm doing it on my terms 

A reader left a comment on my last post that it's a shame I don't post anymore 

I know I don't post as much as I used to

But I do still post at least once a week

So please do check in as I am still writing 

I suppose I don't rely on my blog as much as I used to

And I definitely don't read as many blogs as I used to

But I really want to keep this blog going 

As it means so much to me

It saved my life countless times

As did my lovely readers 

You have been there over the last five years 

Five. Years!

Has it really been that long?

It has gone by so very quickly 

And I am so glad I have a written account of the last few years 

My journey from scared, suicidal, emaciates girl

To healthy and happy woman 

It's been a hell of a ride so far 

And I'm excited to see what life has in store for me 

If nothing it will be interesting 

And that always keeps things fun

Now that things are going well for me

I desperately want to help others who are in a similar situation to what I was 

Whether they be eating disordered

Drug addicted 

Addicted to anything really 

One thing I have learned over the last year 

Is that when you take away the drug

Or the drink

Or the restricting or purging 

A massive hole is left 

And something needs to fill it 

For me 

I took away the purging 

And I quickly filled the hole with shopping 

That was also utter madness 

And thankfully I have stopped the mindless spending 

But when I stopped 

Again there was a hole left 

And this time 

I have filled it with my love for animals 

This is a much healthier hobby/addiction

One that's actually good for me 

So really I guess filling the hole can go either way 

You can fill it with something unhealthy and damaging 

Or you can fill it with good things and healthy things 

That's just my experience 

Ha ha

I just realised I spent the last paragraph writing about filling your hole

Lol!

But you know what I mean

Anyway 

I off to make a cuppa and relax for a while 

See you on the next post....

When one door closes....

....another window opens

And it's so true!

I went in to school on Tuesday to officially sign off of my course

I wasn't looking forward to going in

And seeing everyone 

But as luck would have it

I only ran in to a couple of the girls 

And they were lovely 

I had to go to one of my tutors 

He asked how things were going 

I told him I was struggling 

And needed to take some time off

He said the door is always open 

And that I had been doing really well with my course work

Pity he didn't tell me that at the time 

I could have done with some positive feedback 

Anyway 

I am now off the course 

And I have to tell you 

It's like a weight lifted off my shoulders

And I'm not the only one 

Three other girls have left too

But I'll get back to that 

I went home feeling relieved 

If a little sad about what to do next 

I got home 

Later on 

My sister came in from work

And said she needed to speak to me 

Apparently 

There is a guy she works with 

Who has a pony 

And needs help looking after him

My interest was instantly peaked 

The horse is a piebald cob

He used to belong to travellers 

Who used him to pull vehicles 

And generally didn't treat him well 

His present owner has him about a year 

And up until recently he had a horsey companion who unfortunately died 

So the owner thinks the pony is lonely 

I immediately emailed the owner 

Who sent me information and pictures 

The pony has been renamed Coco

And needs help to be caught 

And fed

So I am going to visit Coco and his owner tomorrow 

And I don't need to tell you 

I am super excited!

I am going to show that pony so much love he won't know what hit him

But first things first 

We need to be introduced 

We need to build a relationship and trust 

And I have  I doubt it will take time 

Patience is not a virtue I possess 

Being a greedy addict 

I want everything now!

I just know this pony is going to teach me so much 

I haven't even met him and I love him already!

Now I know I made the right decision about my course 

This is what I want to be doing 

Helping animals that have had a bad start in life 

And show them love and care and trust 

I just know me and Coco are going to be besties...

In other news

I went back to horse therapy this week

Back with my friends 

And my buddy Star

It was amazing 

I loved every second

I would post pictures but this app won't let me for some reason

By the way

If anyone wants to be friends on Facebook

Email me and I'll give you my name

I also met one of the girls from my course for tea yesterday 

She also has left the course 

We had a great chat 

And compared notes about our experience 

We are a similar age 

And we both found the classroom difficult 

The gossip

Discussing everyone's business 

We came to the conclusion that our horsemanship tutor was great 

But our horse riding instructor was really tough going 

The atmosphere in that stables was tense 

We were shouted at 

Ridiculed 

I was a nervous wreck going to the stables each week

To the point that I was dreading going in 

I also had to question where I was going after the course 

And what kind of job I wanted to get 

I now know that my heart lies in the rescue of animals 

I'm not really interested in competing or anything like it 

I want to help horses and donkeys 

That is my calling I think

And of course horse riding is a great hobby

For both physical and mental exercise 

All I know is that animals make me so happy 

My own dogs are two life savers 

I can't even begin to tell you how much they mean to me 

Which is why I was so upset over Leas recent diagnosis 

She is doing well though 

She gets her meds every morning 

She's eating and drinking well

Her form is good 

She is on rest thoughts 

So no walkers for her

Which I think she is finding tough

The vet recommended swimming though 

So when the weather improves I will bring her to the natural pool down at the beach

She is going back to the vet next week

So hopefully she continues up stay well

As for me?

I am doing pretty good 

I feel stable 

My body feels strong and able

Purging is a rarity 

And I'm not restricting or weighing 

I look ok

I don't love it 

But I don't hate it either 

I was speaking with my Dad this morning 

We were in the supermarket 

And he asked me if I needed Anything 

I said no

I didn't need anything 

He reminded me of the days I used up but bags of shopping every day

Spending a fortune on food that would eventually be flushed down the drain

It. Was. Bat shit crazy! 

I was a woman possessed 

I spent my days eating and purging 

Weighing myself multiple times a day 

My mood as well as my weight was like a yo-yo

Very unstable 

Very out of control

It was pretty scary 

To feel like I just couldn't stop

I used to wake up in the night 

And eat a packet of biscuits no bother to me

Now the thought of purging makes me come out in a cold sweat 

Now I eat little abs often 

I don't binge 

I don't restrict 

At this point 

I must stress

That things are by no means perfect 

They never will be 

And that's ok 

I am doing my level best 

And I am as close to happy as I have ever been 

But I must admit 

Like a typical addict 

I tend to look for replacements for the issue that I have under control

And for the last couple of years 

That addiction has bounced to my spending money 

Namely on clothes

Last year 

When I was working 

I was earning a nice little wage 

I saved nothing

Nada 

Not a red cent 

I spent all my money on Fatface and Superdry and Roxy 

My room is bursting at the seams with hoodies and jeans and shoes and boots 

It's ridiculous 

More madness

I see something in line 

And I think to myself 

'If I had that jacket, my life would be complete!'

I buy it 

I get the parcel in the post 

I feel excited opening it

Trying it on 

And the novelty soon wears off

Then

I'm straight back on the web looking at more clothes 

Make of that what you will

I gave an addictive personality 

When I become interested in something 

I am so enthusiastic 

So eager to learn and do and help

Now that I have realised the madness of my internet shopping 

That issue had to be replaced 

And it has been replaced 

By horses 

Which is pretty healthy compared to some of my own past addictions and obsessions

At least I can't harm myself or anyone around me 

This is just me. 

When I like something 

I love it and just want to be around it all the time 

And will do anything to do so

This is why I made a good addict 

Single minded and stubborn to the bitter end 

But 

Even though I go from zero to sixty in jig time 

It can be a good thing 

I get things done quickly and efficiently 

But it also means I tend not to pace myself 

And jump in feet first without thinking things through 

I guess it's both a blessing and a curse 

So

I think that is all the news from my world 

Lots of positive things happening 

I feel good about the future 

I feel positive that everything will be ok

I will be ok

 I

Will

Be

Ok....

2017

A new year friends

Where is the time going?

This year I am five years blogging 

It's been an amazing few years

So many highs and lows

Ups and downs 

Relapses and slips 

Trying to recover 

Trying to fight for a better life 

I can't lie and say I enjoyed Christmas 

I found it pretty stressful and boring all at the same time 

My appetite is non existent at the moment 

I don't know why 

But I can't even look at food 

Never mind eat the stuff

I guess they could be stress related too

Also still have diarrhoea on a regular basis 

Which makes no sense at all

But that's an anxious, recovering body for you

Over the break 

I was supposed to make a decision about my course 

To continue or not to continue 

This is the major cause of my stress 

Not being able to make a decision

Fearing I'll make the wrong decision

And changing my mind ten times a day

I decided to look at my other options 

And booked a lesson at a stables near my house 

Which I've never been to before 

It was a private lesson yesterday 

It was an outdoor arena

And damn was it cold!

But I learned so much 

And was given some great advice that really helped my technique

So I booked a lesson for next week

And the lady told me that I can go an hour early and help get the horses ready 

As well as staying after for a while too

This is all great 

The downside is the cost 

It was €40 for an hour long private lesson

That is almost a quarter of my weekly budget 

But another argument is that I smoked and drank and used that money and more away for years 

At least this is something worthwhile 

I guess I will see how I manage 

If I can't afford it 

I can't afford it

Then today 

I met my friend Fintan 

And went back to horse therapy 

Where I started my horse riding journey 

I didn't get to ride 

But it was so nice to see everyone 

I missed them

I had a chat with the lady 

And she said I can always go back there 

As well as doing the six week course they are running 

So that's another option 

I just need to make a decision

I contacted our course tutor today 

And made an appointment to see her on Friday 

I just feel so torn 

The thoughts of continuing my course makes me feel beyond anxious 

But the thoughts of leaving make me feel so sad

I think I know what I need to do though 

There's no point hanging on to something that is making me feel so bad 

Still though 

It's another thing I've started and not finished 

I wonder if people will feel disappointed 

Let down 

But despite that 

I think it's the right thing to do 

There are other things to consider 

My recovery 

Before Christmas 

My meds were all over the place 

I was misusing them 

Using them to knock myself out 

I came clean to my doctor 

He increased my methadone and anti anxiety meds 

And has me on supervised daily visits to the chemist 

Yes 

It's a pain in the buttocks 

But it is helping keep me on the straight and narrow 

So yea 

There is a lot going on

But that's life isn't it?

There's always something 

Bumps in the road 

It's just a matter that of keeping going 

Despite what life throws at you 

And look

Whatever happens 

I'll be around horses 

In one way or another 

I still visit my little white pony friend down the road

She is a total pet 

I've started bringing the dogs to see her too

And she is very curious to see the

Now when she sees me coming 

She greets me with a nicker 

And comes running over 

After three months of visiting her 

She has started to let me pet her 

Which is huge progress I think 

I had been given advice 

That I should ask the owners permission before I feed her anything 

So I decided to leave a note for the owner 

I carefully wrote a friendly letter with my favourite purple pen 

And sellotaped it to the gate 

I went back the next day to check if it was gone 

And I found the pony eating it 

Go figure...

Anyway 

That's all that's happening in my little world 

Hopefully now I have more time 

I will get to blog and read more then I currently am

I wish you all a very happy new year 

And I hope all your hopes and dreams come true in 2017

By the way 

Is anyone else massively triggered by all the diet/weight loss talk at the moment?

Yea 

Me too

Until the next post....