Glutton for punishment

A few days ago

I wrote about having a huge urge to weigh myself 

And then having a few awful body image days

Prompted me to go ahead and do it

I had put my scales away 

In the back of my wardrobe

I pulled them out

Dusted them off

And placed them on the wooden floor beside my bed

Usually I feel super anxious and nervous before I weigh

And get butterflies in my tummy

Yesterday however

I felt nothing 

I stripped 

I tapped the scale

And the numbers flicked to zero

I tentatively stepped on

I had absolutely no idea of my weight

As I hadn't weighed in weeks

The screen flashed 

And settled on a number

A number higher than I am comfortable with

And one I have seen since this time last year

I stepped off the scale 

Dressed 

And tried to process the information

Usually 

I have a viceral reaction to weighing

Relief if it's a safe number

And sheer devastation of it's a high number

There have been times when I've had a full blown meltdown after weighing

And sat on my bedroom floor

Naked

And sobbing

But you know what?

Today I felt nothing

The number meant nothing 

I felt neither relief or devastation

I just acknowledged the number 

Didn't let it get to me

And moved on

As you know 

I was an obsessive weighed when I was very unwell

I weighed my self worth in pounds and ounces

I can honestly say 

That this is the first time I have weighed myself

And not had a dramatic reaction

And that my friends

Is nothing short of a miracle 

This is progress I think

Seeing that the number is just a number

Nothing more

Nothing less 

It's just a number 

It is so freeing to finally not feel tied to the scale 

I know that I am not over or under weight

So I am ok with my weight

Not thrilled

But not in despair either

It just is what it is 

My body image has improved today too

Which is strange

You would think after weighing

That I would be all over the place

But surprisingly 

I am dealing with it rather well

Of course 

I am still adjusting to the weight re-gain

Some days I feel like I should roll instead of walk

I go between  absolutely hating my body

To somewhere approaching something 

Like looking like ok

But 

As ever 

I will keep ploughing on

I will try to stay as well I can 

I will try to accept and love my body as best as I can 

I will continue to be a pessimistic optimist 

As ever 

I will fight for a better life

For sanity 

For peace of mind 

For my family 

For my own mental health

I  am much more than a number

A clothes size 

I don't have to be skinny to be beautiful

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes 

And is most certainly in the eye of the beholder 

I do t want to go back to being sick

It's only now that I am feeling better

That I realise how ill I truly was

I  on the way to getting better

Everyday I get a little stronger

And you know what?

I wouldn't trade it for anything 

34

It's  my birthday in a couple of weeks

When I will be the grand ol' age of 34

I have to remind myself a lot of the time what age I am

Because I really don't feel 34

I feel more like I am in my twenties 

Probably because I lost my twenties to addiction and anorexia 

So I don't really feel like I lived through them 

They are really a blur

I didn't take advantage of my youth

I could have done so much

But I didn't 

And I just have to live with that

No regrets though

Not one

Everything is exactly how it should be

I firmly believe that

The struggles I have been through

Have made me in to the person I am today

Every setback

Every bump in the road

Every slip and relapse

All happened for a reason

I wouldn't tAke back a minute of it

I was 31 when I started writing my blog

I remember being so embarrassed by my age

Because everyone else seemed so young

I felt like I shouldn't be here

That I was older 

And therefore wise

But anorexia and bulimia don't discriminate

They attack people of any age

Sex

Creed 

Background 

Religion 

I'm trying decide what to do for my birthday

My mums is the week after mine

So we will probably do something together

Last year we went for afternoon tea in a castle

Which was fun

But if like to do something different this year

Maybe go to Dublin or Cork for the night 

We'll see

I haven't mentioned it here

But I am thinking of getting a tattoo or a piercing 

I have neither

And would love to get something done

I had my eyebrow and belly button pierced when I was a teenager 

And I have my ears pierced a few times

I've held off getting a tattoo for so long

As I just couldn't decide on one

I love wings on the shoulder blades

And I love the 1950s coquettish look

I don't want to make an impulsive decision 

Like I do with so many things 

As ever

I will keep you posted 

In other news

I'm having a whopper of a bad body image day

I tried on a pair of leggings this morning

And promptly ripped off after looking in the mirror 

So what to do on a bad body image day

Or a BBID as I like to call them

For me 

When I'm feeling particularly large

I often body check 

Inspect my arms 

Or legs 

Or tummy

I need to not do this 

As it only feeds in to an already skewed body image

I should probably avoid mirrors too

And I guess recognising that it is a BBID

And what I'm seeing maybe through the lens of my eating disorder

Anyway

All I can do is damage limitation

Don a tracksuit

Ride it out

And wait for it to pass

It's a sad fact

That my self esteem

And self confidence

Is tied to my body image

When I feel that I look good

Or at least something approaching good

I feel more confident

I feel able and capable

But on a day like today 

When all I can see are rolls of fat

I just want to hide under a blanket 

Vast expanses of flesh

No shape or definition whatsoever

I'm kind of hoping that I do have body dysphoria

And that I don't really look like this

Maybe in real life I have the body of a dancer

But I just can't see it

I live in hope....

With all that said

I have some questions for you

Do you have any tattoos or piercings?

What are they?

Do you love them or regret them?

And also 

What do you do on a bad body image day?

What helps you get through the day?

Inquiring minds wNt to know....

The weight debate

 have such an urge to stand on the scales 

To pull it out of my wardrobe

Dust it off

And sell my soul to the devil

To find out how much I should hate myself today

Because that's the way it's always been

Stand on the scales 

Measure my self worth in pounds and ounces 

See if the number is safe or unsafe 

Have a meltdown because I gained two pounds

But I won't 

I know better than to spoil a good thing

To weigh now

Would ruin everything

My good mood 

My self esteem

That good feeling I have at the moment

I look at my sister 

She weighs herself regularly in my room

I often watch her

She stands on the scale 

Without so much as a whiff of ceremony

She sees the number

Processes whether she's lost or gained 

Absorbs the information

And then gets on with her day

She doesn't give it another thought

Doesn't let it effect her eating

Doesn't let it get to her in any way

I would give anything to be like that

To not let those numbers matter

As much as I am tempted

I won't weigh

Not today at least

I value my peace of mind too much 

I was wondering what your take is on weighing

Whether you are still in the midst of your illness

Or embarking on recovery 

What is your view on weighing?

Are you yay or nay?

Do you think weighing is a good or bad idea and why?

Does it effect you as much as it effects me?

Do the numbers have power over you?

I'd love to know....

Back to normal

Monday morning 

And things are getting back to normal

A lot of the visitors left yesterday

Some more are leaving today

And my auntie B is staying until next week

I was so wrecked yesterday

Emotionally and physically

I feel asleep at about 5pm

And slept until midnight

When I woke up

Dragged myself down to bed

And fell asleep for another 8 hours

The whole thing just wiped me out 

The visitors 

The meal

The speech

The having to be sociable for three days straight

It really took it out of me

So back to Monday morning

And doctor day

My own doctor is on holidays

So this morning I saw Nice woman doctor

Who is always very nice

I told her that things were good at the moment

My weight is healthy

My mood is stable

And I generally feel quite good

She did up both my scripts

And as she was doing my tablets

She noticed that I've been on Mirtazapine  on the highest dose for a long time

Mirtazapine is one of the anti depressants that I'm on

I told her that I was reluctant to change anything 

So we left it as it is

She asked me if I am sleeping ok

At this point

I thought about complaining that I couldn't sleep

To see if I could get a few sleepers

But I am trying to be good as far as my meds are concerned

So I told her the truth

That I am sleeping fine

Probably sleeping too much in fact

As she was speaking to me

I eyeballed the weighing scales in the corner of the room

I was so tempted to ask if I could weight myself 

I haven't weighed in a few weeks now

And I am curious as to what weight I am

I got my scales out this morning 

And my sister weighed herself

She is ten stone eight

I think she looks really slim abs petite

And I know I weigh less than her

I am wearing a size 8- 10 (UK)

And all my clothes fit me ok

And I feel ok

I was looking at photos of mums retirement

And also the video of me making the speech

I wouldn't call myself thin anymore

But I can also see that I'm not overweight

I look 

Well

Healthy 

And the fact that I have a tan makes it easier to look at myself

I would love to be more toned though

To feel a bit fitter and tighter

I am curvy now 

My boobs have never been so big

And I actually like them

They are a nice size

I also have a waist

Hips 

And a bum you could eat your dinner off

It's an adjustment getting used to this body

I am so used to being straight up and down

With no boobs, hips or bum

I have to keep reminding myself that I am not 19 anymore

I am a soon to be 35 year old woman

And I have the body of one

I think I coped surprisingly well over the last few days

Usually when we have visitors 

I have frequent and acute anxiety

Over the weekend 

There were 12 people staying here

So wherever I looked

There were people

I can remember a time when I couldn't handle people

I remember a couple of years ago

A lot of relations were staying here

I had to go to bed early

As I just couldn't cope

But now

Dare I say it

I am much more sociable

Much better able to deal with people

And I don't get that agonising anxiety overwhelming me

The only time I became anxious

Was just before my speech 

I felt so nervous that I thought I wouldn't be able to do it

The only reason I did it

Was for Mum

It's the least I could do for her

And now I feel really good that I did it

It's good for me to push outside of my comfort zone

And do things that scare me

It's a confidence builder for sure

Myself and my sister are just so delighted that the whole thing went well

We really were the ones that organised it

And we felt the pressure for everyone to have a good time

And I think they did

So all and all it was a roaring success

God knows our Mum deserved to be spoiled and pampered

She is the kind of person who puts everything and everyone ahead of herself

I have no doubt that If it wasn't for her

That I would still be using

And may even be dead

She has dealt with so much over the year

Her separation from my dad

My addiction and ED

And both my sisters addiction

And mental health issues

My Mum is nothing short of a saint

She is so strong

A lesser person would have crumbled long ago

But she just keeps going

And is an eternal optimist 

My Mym always says

That given what out family have been through

We are not going to badly

I completely agree

Growing up

Our house was a miserable place to be

My father was drinking

My parents fought endlessly

And there was a horrible atmosphere in the house

We never wanted for anything materially 

But our well being was neglected

I remember my best friends that life two doors up

That family didn't have a penny

But the house was such a lovely place to be 

So warm and friendly

So needless to say

I spent a lot of time there

I remember one morning

My father came down to the kitchen with a severe hangover

My Mum gave him a cup of tea

And he threw it in her face

For absolutely no reason

How cruel is that?

Now my father doesn't drink now

In fact none of us do apart from my brother

Now 

Years later

Things are so much more better than they were

Our respective addictions are under control

Mum parents get on do much better than they did when they were together 

We all get on so much better

And that by friends

Is a freakin'revelation

Today

Is a day of rest

To catch up on sleep

Move back in to my room

And generally relax and recouperate 

Now I'm off to have a little nap

Until next time....

The morning after the night before....

This post is brought to you this morning by a very tired but happy Ruby

After getting to bed at almost 4am

The dogs woke me up at 7 30am

I decided to bring them for a walk straight away

To tire them out so they would be quiet and not wake up the sleeping visitors

So 

Where do I start?

Well

Yesterday was all go

We spent the day sitting around 

Chatting and laughing

And started to get ready at about 4pm

All the curls fell out of my hair after a nights sleep

So my sisters girlfriend re did it for me

In the end 

I decided to go with the Orange and cream dress 

Although I have to admit

It was just a teeny weeny bit tight

But that's the price we pay 

And I was ok with it

All day 

My speech was on my mind 

I had an idea of what I wanted to say

I wanted to keep it light, funny and heartfelt 

So through out the day 

I cobbled together a few sentences 

At 6 pm

My sister, her girlfriend and my brother and his girlfriend all headed in to the hotel to decorate the table

And to sort out any last minute jobs

We put balloons on the table

A banner behind 

And party poppers and little glittery words saying congratulations

We then went to bar to wait for everyone

Bit by bit

They all dribbled in

I was still feeling anxious

And just prayed for the speech to be over 

But I held it together 

And managed to be sociable

At 8pm

We all headed in to the restaurant 

We all took our seats 

I took one on the middle

So that when I spoke 

Everyone could hear me

There were 15 of us altogether

The plan was for me to make the speech after the orders had been taken

And when the champagne was being poured

I swear I was so tempted to take a glass

Just for some Dutch courage alone

Oh my God you guys 

I was so freakin nervous

I shit you not

I kept going to the bathroom

And sitting on the toilet seat

Running through it in my head

At the table 

I had so many butterflies 

That I didn't think I'd be able to eat

But I thought I would feel better when it was done and dusted

All too soon 

It was time 

I got the nod after the champagne was poured

And I stood up to speak

Here is the gist of what I said 

Hi everyone and welcome

I was kindly nominated by my brother and sister to say a few words 

So I will keep it short and sweet

First I want to thank everyone for coming

I know you've come from all over

London

Dublin

Cork

Donegal

Leitrim 

And Sligo

We are so delighted you are here to help us celebrate Mums retirement 

I want to congratulate Mum

I know she has many things planned for her retirement

Book clubs 

Film clubs

And learning to swim which has been on her to do list since 1985

So please join me in a toast

We are super proud of you Mum

We love you very much

And I'm looking forward to travelling the country with you on our respective bus passes

Oh the relief when it was over

I was just so glad to get the words out

And everyone w laughed

And Mum shed a tear

I sat down 

And could finally relax 

Then food started to arrive 

First we had an amuse Bouche 

Which was a little tea cup of carrot and coriander soup

Delicious 

Then the starters 

I had the trio of melon 

As I wanted something light because I really wasn't that hungry

Other starters were pork belly

Which I tasted and it was Devine

Soup

And chowder 

For the main 

I had slow braised blade of beef

Again

I couldn't really enjoy it 

As I just had no appetite 

I ate about a third of it

And gave the rest to my brother 

I tried my best to stay put after eating

I really tried to hang on

But about five minutes later 

I made a little trip to the bathroom

Purging in restaurants is always tricky

There is the issue of others hearing you

And then trying to clean up the mess 

Thankfully there was no one in there though

And I purged in peace

I cleaned up 

And headed back to the table

Then it was time for tea, coffee and dessert

They were all quite heavy

So I just ordered ice cream 

Which was nice

I then had three cups of tea

Which was very welcome as I was gasping for one

We had great craic at the table 

So much laughter which was lovely

And the time just flew by

At just after midnight

We retired to the bar for drinks

Here is where I have to make a little confession

I was really starting to flag and feel really tired

So I was really sneaky and had two drinks of vodka and orange juice

I tried to keep it quiet

But my brother noticed

And asked me what I was drinking 

I told him

And asked him to keep it quiet 

My brrother and I then had a really interesting conversation about escaping reality 

And why I find it so hard to live without the use of substances 

To be honest

I didn't really feel the effect of the alcohol

And I'm not even sure why I did it

I know I shouldn't drink

But I just really craved one last night

Alcohol was not my primary addiction

So part of me still thinks I can get away with having a drink or two

But I know where it leads

At about 1 30am we started to move out and head home

The dogs greeted us

And I immediately changed into pyjamas 

Put my hair up

And washed my make up off

It felt so good getting in to comfy clothes

And I was so glad that the night went well

And that Mum enjoyed it

I am lucky and blessed to have an amazing Mum

She is selfless to a fault

And has been my cheerleader, supporter, friend, confidant and carer from day one

I can never repay her for all she has done for me

That's the reason I made the speech

I wouldn't have done it for anyone else 

After chatting got a while

Everyone began to move to their rooms

I was on the couch

Which I didn't mind at all

When I first moved here 

Even though I had a bedroom

I slept on the couch for the first few months

I could sleep in my own bedroom

As an ex boyfriend had over dosed in there

It was nearing 4 40am when I finly fell asleep

Content

Relieved

And so happy that the night went week

Many many photos were taken last night

Here is a selection of them....

Today is the day

As the title of this post suggests 

Today is the day of Mums retirement do

The visitors are here

The house has been cleaned to within an inch of its life

Beds are changed with fresh white linen

Many meals have been made

Hair and make up are being prepared

Dresses and shirts are being ironed

Dogs are wondering what the heck is going on

Bottles of wine are being opened 

Gifts are being wrapped

Music is playing loudly 

Excitement is in the air

And nerves are frayed

But all in a good cause

Myself and my sister organised this thing

Do we are hoping that it goes off without a hitch 

All in all

There will be 15 - 17 for drinks and dinner

And last night my sister sprang it on me

And asked me to make a speech

I'm like really?

24 hours before the event 

You ask me to make a speech?

I will do it

But people 

You can bank on the fact that it will be short and sweet 

A quick thank you for coming 

And a toast to Mum

That's about as far as my speech making abilities stretch 

I've decided on the orange dress for sure 

As I think it suits my hair better 

And I feel comfortable in it 

So now I must dash and continue the preparations 

Here's hoping it all goes well....

Change of plan!

As is a woman's perogative

I changed my mind about what I'm going to wear to my Mothers retirement dinner

I liked the trouser and t-shirt combo

It was comfortable

Practical

Sensible 

But I felt it was just a bit too casual

So I had a good ol' rifle in my wardrobe

And found an orange and cream dress that was hiding right at the back

I think it's dressier than the other outfit

And I feel more feminine

Anyway

Here it is

Thoughts please....