Photos

Against my better judgement
I am going to share some photos with you today
Please know that I know I look stupid
I know I look silly
These photos are totally unflattering
And I  am becoming quite the heffer
I just wanted to show them as they might give you a laugh today

My sister and I do yoga on a Friday morning
This morning we were messing about trying to do the different poses
I wanted my sister to take a photo of me in the mountain pose (Think that's what it's called, please correct me if I am wrong)
But of course I got a fit of the giggles
And couldn't do the damn thing
I didn't realize that my sister was happily taking photos of me in less than becoming poses
Here are some of said photos
Hope they give you a giggle........

Let me get in to the zone

Lea think I am nuts
She is probably right

Take 2

Come on body, work with me!

Oh for God's sake
This is too much like hard work

Yay!!

Later that day sans giggle

17 Effects of bulimia on the body

Maggie over at Healthline contacted me about this article
It is about 17 effects of bulimia on the body
I found it very interesting
I hope you do too

17 Effects of bulimia on the body

Counsellors and cataracts

As you know
I see my doctor every Monday
However this Monday was a bank holiday
So I saw the doctor yesterday instead
My own doctor was off
So I saw Nice Woman Doctor instead
She asked me how I was
I told her that things have improved
But I still struggle with aspects of the disorder
I also told her that I am convinced that I am over weight
'That's natural' she said
'You were so underweight for so long'
'To anyone looking at you from the outside, you look fantastic
And it's not just your shape, it's your eyes
They look alive now'
A lot of people have said that to me
That my eyes look so different
I guess it's nice to hear

I told her that Mary is now gone
And asked if there was any counselling or therapy I could avail of
She said there were a couple of options
I could either get general counselling straight away
Or go on the waiting list for a woman in the next town
I was delighted when she said this woman's name
As I used to see her a few years ago
And found her very helpful
I can't remember why I stopped seeing her
Probably because I went in to treatment
She was great
She has a really holistic approach
Which I love
So I went for that option
It's great to know that I will have some body to talk to
Just to help me sort things out in my head

On a different note
We noticed last week that one of Honey's eyes is very cloudy
So we brought her to the vet today
At first the vet thought that it was a cataract
Which was bad news because of it spreads to the other eye
It can cause blindness
I was really upset when she said this
But then she had another look with her torch
And thought she might have been wrong
And it may be something else
So Honey is now on eye drops 3 times a day
And has to go back to the vet net week
I am hoping that praying that she is ok

That's all from me today
Just a quick post to give you an update

Who, what, why and where?

I am very lucky and blessed to have some amazing readers/friends
Who read this blog and take time out of their day to leave thoughtful and insightful comments
After my last post
Lilly and C wrote about how I should try to start to define myself outside of my illness and diagnosis
They are so right
And really hit the nail on the head as to what is going on for me right now

I feel I am caught somewhere between my illness and recovery
Not quite sick anymore
But not 100% well either
I am dipping my toe in to life sans ED and addiction
But I haven't committed to anything
It's like I am hedging my bets
And keep both options open
Just in case
Just in case recovery doesn't work out
I will hold on to my ED and addiction
Just in case it's too scary or too hard
I will hold on to my addiction

I have made some progress
But the weight re-gain is only part of the battle
I know the real work happens on the inside
It takes months to physically recover
Years to recover mentally
And probably a life time to fully recover if that happens at all
It's a slow process
Too slow for an impatient person like me
Who wants everything now
Sometimes the process is so slow that I can't even see it
And it feels like I am standing still
It can be beyond frustrating

Anyway
Back to the title of this post
Who am I without my ED and addiction?
Well, I know I am a young woman
I know I am a dog owner and confirmed animal lover
I know I am a swimmer
I know I love to write
The thing is that I don't know how to write about anything other my ED and addiction
I know nothing as intimately as I know them
I can't write about love
I can't write about death
I have no other life experiences to think of
Beyond that I have no earthly clue who I am
I don't know what sort of person I am
Am I quiet?
Am I loud?
Am I an extrovert?
Introvert?
You would think that I would know these things
But I really don't
I only know who I am in the grip of my illness
I don't know much more than that

What will my life be like without my ED and addiction?
Another tough question
My ED was/is like my job
My chosen career
Without it
I don't know what I would think about
What I would talk about
What I would spend my time doing
How would I fill the 24 hours that are in a day?
I know what you are thinking
I could do anything I want to
But where do I start?
How do you start your life over at 33?
I guess the answer to that is I find what I love
And do that
If I find a job that I love
I'll never have to work again
Right?

Why am I recovering?
People change for a reason
I stopped taking drugs because the negatives of that life were out weighing the positives
I quit smoking because I couldn't afford it anymore
So why am I choosing recovery from my ED?
Well, similar to the drugs scenario
It's getting old
I am getting too old for it
I am bored with it
I am sick and tired of it
I have had enough of making mine and my families life miserable
I want more out of this life

Where do I want to go?
As in life I mean
Do I want to spend the rest of my life hating myself?
And hurting myself?
I really don't have the energy for that
I just want a quiet life
And I want to give my family a break
God knows we need it

I guess it's a leap of faith
To use a much overused phrase
Even though I am terrified of life
I am more terrified of a life time of addiction and disordered eating
I won't always have my family around me
To bail me out
And save me from myself
I have to grow up at some point
I have to forge a new life for myself
And that is the scary part
I have a bucket load of insecurities
I'm afraid that I'm not smart enough
Not talkative enough
Not brave enough
Not pretty enough
I'm afraid that people won't like me
That I won't ever have enough money
I'm afraid I'll never make it on my own
That I'll never fall in love
Or have a family of my own
I'm so afraid

I have taken some steps to venture in to a new life
I now swim nearly every day
I talk to people in the leisure center
And pretend that I am a normal human being
I go to yoga
And try to fit in with cool zen people
I have even phoned my local dog shelter twice to volunteer
But no one has got back to me

The thing is
I always feel like a bit of a misfit
Like a square peg trying to fit in to a round hole
I feel like I'm not like everyone else
That I am just a little bit mad
But maybe everyone feels like that
I don't know
Do they?
Do you?

But I am glad that this is being addressed
As I'm sure it will go some way to helping me figure out this weird place that I in

On a lighter note
My mother told me today that I am doing well
And she is 'very proud' of me
That was nice to hear
It makes all this worthwhile

M is for Meds

I've been very bold this week
I had got 8 days meds because this weekend is bank holiday in this country
But now it is Monday and I had none left
Because I was greedy during the week
Usually I lull myself in to a false sense of security
That I am clean and sober
That I am not injecting heroin any more
Therefore I am clean and sober and happy out
But am I really?

Yes I have stopped using illegal drugs
Yes, I am a lot more stable than I have ever been
But now I am on a cocktail of medication
And still very much dependent on methadone
Even though I am on a low dose
20mls

When I saw my doctor last week
He mentioned reducing the methadone again
I immediately balked
And asked if he could wait a week
He told me that he would be away next week
So we would have to wait two weeks to reduce it
I was happy about that

The thing about my meds
Is that they kind of keep me in a state where I could fall asleep at the drop of a hat
And me being me
I like that
I like that I can switch off at any given moment
That I can check off the planet when ever I like
Being someone that doesn't do well with reality
That suits me just fine

But is that sobriety?
I have my doubts
In fact I am quite sure that is not sobriety
I'm not saying that everyone on meds is the same as a using drug addict
Most definitely not
If someone needs to be on meds
For a medical reason
That is perfectly ok
But I am not entirely sure that I need to be on all the meds I am
For instance I am on the highest dose of two anti depressants
Who needs to be on two anti depressants?
Me apparently

I am on a high dose of anti anxiety meds
But my anxiety has improved greatly
So I really don't think that I need it anymore
I think the problem is that when my state improved
My meds weren't looked at
I guess it's just easier to leave things the way they are

I look forward to Monday's
Doctor day
Because I get a fresh batch of meds
A whole big bag of goodies
I look forward to Monday's the way I used to look forward to pay day when I was in active addiction
Money = drugs
Drugs = oblivion

Have I just moved from illegal addiction to legal addiction?
Is my doctor now my dealer?
Is my pharmacist now my distributor
I don't know
I just know that the whole thing seems shady to me
But that's because I have no meds today and I am thinking clearly

So what is my problem with reality?
Why do I want to sleep my life away?
Well maybe it's because the only reality I knew was disordered eating
Maybe I need to give reality a chance now that I am feeling better
I know I get bored very easily
And I need a lot of stimulation
Maybe I need to get an iphone, he he
My sister is constantly on hers
Maybe that would solve my problems

But seriously
What do I do when the day comes that I am taken off my meds?
Do I stamp my feet like a toddler
And say 'No, you can't make me'
Do I confess that I use my meds to escape reality
That would not help matters me thinks

The lovely Bella left a comment that she thinks professional input is essential right now
And I am beginning to think that she is right
The only professional I am seeing right now is my doctor
And usually we talk about anything and everything outside of me
I miss Mary
I miss the way she was so rational and logical
And made so much sense

I guess it's in my hands
I need to help myself
Before the s**t hits the fan

The Weight Debate

I recently read an interview with the plus size model Ashley Graham
I had never heard of her before
But she is a model from the US who is a size 18
Not entirely sure if that is a US 18 or a UK 18
It was an English article
So I am presuming that she is a UK 18
Whatever size she is
She is smokin' hot




'Style has no size' Graham says
'I don't know how to be anyone but me. I was born with curves, I've never been a skinny person.My butt rolls, It's really out there'.
Graham has been modelling since she was 12 years old
And admits that in the past she had felt pressure to lose weight
She says 'Sure, I have been asked to lose weight, but I reckoned why? I'm healthy, and men have always liked me. Now I feel passionate about being a role model for young girls'.

Graham has two younger sisters
And her and some like minded friends have set up a web site and support group called Alda, which goes in to schools and colleges to talk to girls aged 13-26 about body image.
Graham is quick to point out that she doesn't promote obesity
'I'm not pro obesity, but I think beauty comes in many forms, and it breaks my heart to see girls being anorexic and bulimic in their teens. you can be fit and larger. Larger girls are accused of not being healthy, but lots of skinnies aren't at all healthy'.

The article on Graham was interesting
And it also posed the question if we are becoming more accepting of different body types
It mentioned Adele
Gabourey Sidibe
And Beth Ditto who are all challenging our perceptions of the perfect body type
And unless you have been living under a rock for the past few weeks
You will of course have heard Meghan Trainor's number 1 hit 'All about that bass'
An anthem for the larger lady
While I don't particularly like this song
And it does seem to shame on skinny women
I realize that it aims to send out a positive message for those who are not a 'silicone, stick figured barbie doll'
And I have to say
I don't think Meghan Trainor is particularly big
Yes, she is curvy
No doubt about that
And she challenges the perception of the skinny minnie pop starlet
Which is great
But don't hate on skinny girls
Body acceptance and positive body image is about celebrating every size
From the skinny to curvy and everything in between

I guess I am wondering
Are we becoming more accepting of different body sizes?
Have we moved away from craving bones?
Statistics of eating disorders show that we are not
And sufferers are getting younger and younger
However it seems that all body sizes are becoming more celebrated

Having recently developed my own set of curves
This interests me a lot
I was always pretty skinny
Straight up and down with no hips or boobs to speak of
It is only with this recent weight re gain
That I have acquired an impressive set of boobs
And a pair of hips to match
Not to mention a substantial bottom
At first I was at a loss as to what to do with them
I didn't know how to dress them
I didn't know if I should strap them down
Or put them on display
And one thing I really need to do is get properly fitted for a bra
As I have no idea what size I am
And have been living in sports bras since they appeared

Depending on the clothes shop
I am now between a size 8 and a size 12
I go for a 12 because I like a bit of room in my clothes
I have to admit though
Adjusting to this size has taken a lot of time and patience
And I still don't know if I am there yet
But when I see a beautiful smart woman like Ashley Graham
It makes me feel a lot better about my size
It shows me that you can be attractive whatever your size
And to realize that is amazing
It truly is

When I find someone attractive
It rarely has anything to do with their size
In fact it never has
Confidence is attractive
Loving and accepting is attractive
Being good at something is attractive
Being interesting
And attentive is attractive
There are so many things other than the size of a persons clothes that are attractive

For the first time in my 33 years on this earth
I am starting to appreciate my body
I am not starving it
I am not actively trying to shrink it
Or make it smaller or bonier or thinner
I am looking after it
I feed it
I water it
I exercise it
I rest it when it's tired
I listen to what it needs
And try my best to meet that need
This is all entirely new to me
I never cared about my health
I was a heroin addicted anorectic for Christ's sake
I spent most of my time trying to hurt, abuse and kill my body
Liking or dare I say it, loving my body is a whole new concept
But you know what?
It's so much more better than hating it

I was wondering about you
Do you think we are beginning to celebrate all body types?
How do you feel about your own body?
Are you trying to change it?
Or are you happy with it?
Inquiring minds want to know......

Winner, winner chicken dinner

It was yesterday
I went swimming in the morning (146 lengths)
While my Mum walked Honey and Lea
Then we went food shopping
First to Lidl to get fruit and veg
Then to a more expensive supermarket to get meat and condiments
I was starving after swimming
And was pulling things off the shelves at great speed
Everything looked so good
I bought a jar of red onion relish
That looked yummy in the shop when I was hungry
But actually on inspection tasted disgusting
Note to self: Don't go food shopping when hungry

We came home
I had a ham roll for my lunch
My sister was going in to town to meet my other sister
And my Mum was also going in to town with my uncle
So I volunteered to make dinner
My sister wrote me out a recipe for chicken chasseur
One of my most favourite dinners
When the house was empty
I got to work

First things first
I cut the fresh chicken breasts in to chunks
And fried them off in a little oil with salt and pepper
Until they were just done
And removed them to a plate
Then I chopped up mushrooms, carrots, onion and garlic
And sauted them off in the same pot
Then added two spoons of tomato puree
And let that cook off
The chicken went back in
Gave it a good stir
I made two pints of stock
One with a chicken stock cube
And one with beef
Poured them in to the pot
A dash of worchester sauce
Checked the seasoning
And left to bubble

After an hour it was smelling delicious
I decided to have a small bowl
Just a small one mind
Because I had to leave some for the others
I enjoyed it so much
But that didn't stop me making a trip to the bathroom
By this stage my family had been out for hours
And I was starting to get both lonely and bored
For lack of anything else to do
I ate

First I made pasta
Pasta seems to double in size when it is cooked
So I only ate some of it
Visited the bathroom
Then I had some crisps and white chocolate
Visited the bathroom again
Every half an hour
I found myself walking in to the kitchen
Opening the fridge
Looking for something to fill the hole
The hole in what?
The hole in my mouth?
The hole in my tummy?
The hole in my soul?
And every time I went in to the kitchen
I took a couple of spoons fulls of the chicken dinner
By late afternoon
I had gotten through about one third of it

At about 5pm
I got a text from my Mum
Telling me that they were all at a gig in one of the pubs
And they would be a while
As soon as I had the text read
I said 'Feck it'
And too another bowl full of the stew
There was now about half left

It was at this point
That I started feeling like a greedy bulimic
Except bulimic's are not greedy
People think they are
But they're not
We just literally can not help ourselves
Even though I knew my family would be home and hungry at some point
Even though I knew it was a waste that I was eating this food
And promptly throwing it up
I still couldn't help myself
I just had to have it

I gobbled down the stew
Another bathroom visit
Then mild panic set in
I worried that there wasn't enough food left
That my family would ask me where the hell all the stew had gone
But you know what?
Only for I knew that they would be home soon
I would have eaten the whole pot
Not a bother to me
Thankfully they all came home shortly after
And finished off the food
So I couldn't

So I think it's safe to say that bulimia is worming her way back in to my life
I had got it down to once a day
But I have noticed over that last week
That it has been increasing every day
I'm not sure why
I know that I need more support
I know that I need to be talking more
And I need to be more honest here too
Yes, it's great to acknowledge the positives
But I also need to say when I am struggling
Because that's what is really going on
That's what I am dealing with
And that's real
That's life
That's recovery

I guess there is a huge part of me that is afraid
Afraid that now I have to take the next step
And what is the next step?
Work?
Education?
Relationships?
Life?
It terrifies the be-Jesus out of me
I wonder sometimes which is the easier option
Life
Or death
I'm not quite sure
Which  takes more courage?
Which is more worthwhile?
I used to think that death was the easy option
Now I am not so sure

Anyway
My family came home and ate my chicken dinner
And thankfully there was enough for everyone
I guess the point I wanted to make with this post
Is that having an ED is very similar to addiction
Everything else goes out the window when that binge/drink/drug is in front of you
Nothing else matters
Not one little thing
But at least if you are a drug addict
Your nemesis is not in your face all day every day
It's not advertised on tv
In magazines
Every where really
It's not easy

I often draw comparisons between my addiction and my ED
That is because they are so similar in a lot of ways
It's just that one is legal
And the other is not
It's a balancing act trying to deal with both
And at the moment I don't think I am doing it very well

Treatment, Part 1

One year ago today
I went in to treatment for the sixth and last time
I remember it like it was yesterday
And me and my Mum were talking about it today
The morning I left I was so upset
Saying good bye to my Mum and my dogs was heart breaking
I never got upset leaving for treatment before
But this time felt different
This time felt like there was more riding on it
I guess I felt pressure to get it right this time
No one put pressure on me
I did that myself

My father drove me up to the hospital in Dublin
I remember on the way we had a very near miss with another car
I remember being so nervous to walk back in to that building
To see all the old familiar faces
To walk in to a room of other eating disordered people
I knew the score
I knew that everyone panics when a new girl comes in
And compares themselves to her
Even though I was at a very low weight
I felt huge
Even though I was sick
And being admitted to hospital
I still felt fat

My father and I arrived at the hospital
We were early
So he went to get something to eat
And I walked manically around the grounds in the pouring rain
I was admitted
And we went up to the ward
I instantly recognized one of the nurses
And she came over and gave me a hug
I was left to wait while my room was sorted out
And I looked out for the other ED patients
I spotted one straight away
Pacing up and down the corridor
Stick arms and legs
I knew straight away

The nurse came back over
And brought me in to the office for a chat
She said she had something to ask me
And wanted me to be completely honest
I was a bit freaked out when she said this
'Have you been smoking marajuana today?' she asked
I was shocked
'Why would you ask that?'
'I just thought I could smell it off you'
'Absolutely not' I said
And I hadn't
I couldn't understand why she was asking me this
And I became very upset
I just wanted to turn around and  go home
It really hurt me because I have worked so hard to get clean
That to think others think I am using really bothers me
However
I pulled myself together
And got on with the admission

I said a tearful goodbye to my Dad
And was brought to my room
There was two beds to a room
And I was haring with a girl called Claire
Next one of the nurses went through all my belongings
And took any flexes and chargers and hair straighteners
We wee not allowed anything with a flex
Or even the tie off a dressing gown
It took forever
But we got through it all

One by one
The other girls on the ED program came in to introduce themselves to me
There were 3 altogether
And they all seemed lovely
But then they always are
Then there was one other girl who was on the ward
But was not doing the ED program
She was 'on special'
Meaning that she had a nurse with her at all times
This was to ensure that she wouldn't harm herself
She was so young
Only 19

I spent the rest of my first day in the smoking room chain smoking
I met the others on the ward
The ward was called St. Brigid's
This was where all the ED patients stayed
But there were also people with other diagnosis there too
Like depression
Anxiety
Bi-polar
Our ward was not locked
Unlike some of the other wards
People on Brigid's were relatively well in that they didn't need constant supervision

In the evening I saw the doctor that was on call
He was lovely
The same age as me
A kind of bumbling, awkward but super polite guy
I did what I always do when I go in to treatment
And asked to be put on a sleeping tablet
I am so manipulative
And my inner addict comes out
He obliged
And I was happy

I wasn't allowed off the ward until I was deemed fit enough and well enough
Blood pressure was taken 4-6 times a day
Temperature
Bloods were taken every Tuesday morning
And ECGs every Thursday
I knew the routine by now

I stayed up late that first night
I turned off the light in the smoking room
And sat up on the window sill
I watched the grounds
Patients trying to escape
And the staff trying to find them with their torches
I wondered where the patients would go if they did get out
I had heard a story once about a couple of teenagers who had got in to a relationship while in the hospital
The ran away together
And made a suicide pact
The jumped off a bridge in Belfast
I don't know how true that story is
But it stayed with me all the same

I took my sleeping tablet at about 12am
Stilnoct
Not the best but it was better than nothing
I drifted off to sleep while watching Breaking Bad on my DVD player
I dreamed that I was well
That I had no ED
I was so disappointed when I woke up and it wasn't true

To be continued..........

Acceptance

As you know
I have re-gained a lot of weight recently
Like I let you forget that little nugget of information
I write about it a lot
But that's because it is a huge deal for me
(Literally!)
My body image at any given time of the day can be polarized
I can absolutely hate my body with a passion
And feel so ashamed of what I have become
To becoming something approaching acceptance
And dare I say it
Actually liking my body

My body is changing all the time
I have gone from having the body of a male child
To shape of a 33 year old woman
I cringe when I type those words
W.O.M.A.N
Because I couldn't feel less like one
I feel like a little girl
Trying to find her place in this world

Anyway
I am getting off the point here
Back to body talk
I am trying to accept my new body
And my my new status as 'Recovering anorectic'
It's with hesitation that I type those words
Recovery is a broad term
And I'm sure that it means different things to different people
To me it simply means that I want to live
And I don't want to shuffle off this mortal coil
It means that I am not actively or passively trying to kill myself
That my head is not filled with negative thoughts every moment of the day
That I want to be alive
And alert
And awake
Not half asleep in a drug induced stupor

This moment is all we have
The past has gone
The future is yet to be
All we have is right here
And right now
And right at this second
This is the body I have
There is nothing I can do about that at this very moment
So it is easier to accept it
Not wish it away
Or wish that there was less of it

I haven't weighed since my last meltdown
But I know that my body is changing still
I am swimming 5-6 times a week
I walk every day
And do yoga once a week
My sister has noticed that I am getting more muscular
Around my arms and legs
I was really glad to hear this
As I want to tone up
I was to be fit
And healthy
And strong
I no longer want to be sick and weak
I want to be well

When I think of someone being attractive
The first thing I think of is confidence
There is nothing more attractive than someone who is self confident
Not arrogant
Not cocky
Someone who is happy in their own skin
Happy to be themselves
Comfortable in their own body
That is more attractive than any body part that I can think of

Rewind a year ago
I was in treatment
I had zero confidence
No self esteem
My anxiety was all consuming
But in the last 6 months
My confidence is getting better
I feel a bit more sure of myself
I feel capable and able
Right now
Right this second
There is nothing I can do about my body
So I accept it
Flaws and all
My body is not perfect
Far from it
I have lumps and bumps
And rolls and sagging skin
And stretch marks
But it's not too shabby
It could be a whole lot worse
I have a working, strong body
And today I accept it

I know that my weight gain will settle down
I just need to be patient
Everything is as it should be
Everything is ok

Today body, I accept you
I appreciate all that you are
And all that you do for me
I am grateful that you haven't given up on me
Even though I have put you through hell
Thank you body
Thank you for everything

And always remember
Acceptance is key people
Acceptance is key

Escape

Apologies for the radio silence over the last couple of days
And for not replying to comments
I have been struggling a bit
To leave my ED behind
To face the day even though all I want to do is sleep forever
To see my ever changing reflection in the mirror
To face the possibility that my dog may be ill
To eat
To not purge
To be me
To be a good sister, friend and auntie
Not to use
Even though there is nothing more I would like to do than get out of my head
I had such a craving for a drink yesterday
I just wanted to feel that warm feeling in my stomach
To switch off my brain and my thoughts
To drink vodka and orange juice
And smoke my little head off

In other words
I want to escape
Just like the great Houdini
I want to escape
This life
This head
This body
This earth
This mind
This ED
This everything
Just for a little while

No one said that this was going to be easy
Nothing worth while never is
And it's ok to have a bad day
Or a bad few days
It's ok to feel like this
I'm human
I'm not perfect
I just need to hang in there
And I know what I need to do to help myself
That doesn't mean I will do it though

Wake me up when October ends......

Smoke and mirrors

Just wanted to take a minute to tell you
That I am now 10 weeks and 2 days off cigarettes
I think I can now safely call myself a non smoker

I was in my local shop today
Where I used to buy my smokes
Now I buy my white chocolate there instead
Not a another great habit
But at least it's less expensive
And less harmful
Cigarettes in this country went up another 40 cent this week
Bringing the cost of a pack of 20 up to 10 Euros
So glad I don't smoke any more
I just can't afford to pay over a tenner a day
For the privilege of killing myself
No thank you very much

Everyone is really shocked when I tell them that I have stopped smoking
I was such a dedicated and passionate smoker
I was a 30 a day girl
And I loved it
I really enjoyed smoking
I loved the first one of the day with a cup of tea
I loved the one that finished off a meal
I relished the last on before bed
I truly loved them

But alas
Nothing lasts forever
The habit had to be broken
As it was leaving me with all but a few Euro a week to survive on
I can't lie
I gave up for vanity reasons
Not for health reasons
Although they are a bonus
I gave up because I couldn't afford them any more
And I want to be able to buy clothes when ever I like
And that is a lot as you already know

I have to confess
There are times when I would kill for a smoke
The craving comes over me silently and suddenly
Like a tidal wave gathering speed
But I know if I just ride it out
It will pass
It always does

So that's the smoke part of this post done
Now on to the mirrors

I keep wanting to delete those photos from my last post
I feel I look gigantic
I can't stand to look in the mirror today
Today is a bad body image day
When all I want to do is hide under my duvet
And pretend I don't exist

This has been a very illogical and fragmented post
Congratulations to you if you have made it this far

Clothes Post #5

As you know
I was away at the weekend
So I took the opportunity to buy some more clothes
In the actual size that actually fits me
Rather than trying to squeeze myself in to tiny sizes that no longer fit me
I really wasn't going to post these photos when I saw them
As I don't think that I look my best
But here they are anyway
Make of them what you will........

Navy jumper - Superdry

Navy t-shirt - Brakeburn

Red  T-shirt - Brakeburn

Navy hoody - H&M

The Lindsay Lohan effect....

Something that I have noticed over the last few months
Is that my blog seems to get more views when I am struggling
I am wondering why that is
I am not too bothered by how many views my blog gets a day
But it is concerning when I see that since I have ventured in to recovery
My stats have fallen
Why is this?
I must say I would rather have 10 readers read about my recovery
Than 1000 reading about my self destruction
But still
It unsettles me a little

The first blog I ever found about EDs was Recovering Anorexic over on Wordpress
This girl wrote anonymously
And was brutally honest about her life
Living with
And trying to recover from anorexia
But a couple a years ago
Her anonymity was compromised
And she deleted her blog
Or at least made it private

Anyway
I remember her writing about the fact that her blog seemed to be more popular when she was in the midst of a relapse
I remember thinking that was so wrong
But I can kind of understand it
Misery sells
I know the newspaper industry has a saying
'If it bleeds it reads'
Meaning that violence, death, pain and hurt sell newspapers
Good news often doesn't make the news at all

Think about Tripadvisor
Or any site of that kind
People will write a review of they had a terrible experience
But often won't think to do so if they had a lovely experience
And I know I love reading the negative reviews
It's a benign type of voyeurism

I remember this same blogger calling herself the 'Lindsay Lohan of the blogging world'
And you know how much people like to watch the never ending saga that is the Lindsay Lohan story

So why is it that people devour the misery and pain of others?
Is it because they make us feel better about our own lives?
Is it because it is compulsive viewing?
Maybe it depends on the state of mind we are in
I know when I was really struggling
It was too painful to read about recovery
I wanted to read about others in the same situation as me
Like attracts like I guess
And it seems for every recovery blog there is on the internet
There are 10 blogs where the person is still struggling
That is the awful truth

At the moment I am finding it very hard to read about others still struggling
Especially those who I know well and have become very fond of
(I think you know who you are)
I do try to keep up to date
As I genuinely care about these people
But it's just too painful to watch people die
And that is what is happening
Whether we like it or not
This illness is killing beautiful, talented, loving girls, women and boys every single day
And we watch from a distance
It just doesn't sit right with me any more
I have to admit that it is hard for me to write this
I don't like having to write this
But it is the truth
At least it is the truth for me

I was wondering about you
Do you rather read about recovery or someone still struggling?
And why do you rather it?

Body Talk

Somehow I have made it to Sunday
I'm heading home today
My mum and my uncle are oblivious to the difficult weekend I have had
I spoke to my sister briefly
But I didn't want to drag her in to my misery

Yesterday was so hard
It was own fault though
I should never have gone near that scale
And anyway
The number was out of context
It bears no relation to the number on my scale
And you know what?
F**k the number
I'm not going to let my ED fill my head with lies this time
That I am fat
And ugly
And worthless
I had such a reaction yesterday to seeing that number
I didn't eat all day yesterday
And purged what I ate last night
Then we went to see the opera Carmen
And my mood lifted a little

So where do I go from here?
I was tempted to delete my last two posts
But I really don't like to delete posts
Because this blog documents my life
And those posts were how I was feeling at the time
Even though in the cold light of day I feel a lot better
So I won't delete them
They may help me in the future
When and if this happens again
I will be able to see how I got through it

Trying to detach myself from my weight is proving difficult
I've defined myself by my weight for so long
That I don't quite know how to define myself in any other way
Maybe I don't need to define myself
Maybe I just need to be me
And that is enough
I am a daughter
A sister
A friend
A dog owner
An auntie
A writer
A swimmer
A walker
I am much much more than the number on a scale
A number on a weighing device that I have used to measure my worth for the last umpteenth years
What does that number even mean?
It means nothing on its own
It's only when we compare it to other people and their numbers that we either feel worse or better
It really means nothing

I was ashamed of my body
I felt like a failed anorectic
But I want to flip that on its head
And call it successful in recovery instead
This body has been through hell
It has been starved
Abused
I've put poison in to it
Almost killed it over and over again
For the first time ever
I am something approaching healthy
My body may be full of lumps and bumps
But it is the body that has carried me all these years
The body that refused to die
Refused to give up
No matter how badly I treated it
I am lucky to have this body
It is becoming strong
And able
And confident
For that I have to be grateful

I don't know if I will ever be completely at peace with my body
It's a turbulent relationship at the best of times
But it doesn't have to be a war
I don't have to fight it any more

If it ain't broke..........

Apologies for my last post
It was my own sill fault for weighing myself
I should know by now to leave well alone
If it ain't broke and all that
I did have a mini meltdown when I saw the number
But I did speak to my mother
She is great
She knows just what to say to calm me down
I know I need to give this time
My body is in a major transition
I need to be patient
And it will work itself out

I did have a reaction in that I did not eat all day
Couldn't bring myself to
But now
After much encouraging from my Mum and sister
I can see how utterly pointless and stupid that is

Anyway
I just wanted to let you know that I am ok
Or at least I will be
I am recovering
I keep having to remind myself of that
I will get there
Even if I do have a few meltdowns along the way

Untitled

I seem to be hell bent on ruining all the hard work I have put in
It seems that I want to sabotage myself and my recovery
In other words
I weighed myself this morning
I saw a number that I have never seen before
I don't know what to do
All sorts of crazy things ran through my head
Fasting
Plastic surgery
Liposuction
Overdosing
Because I just can't handle this
I really can't

Weekend Away

I'm heading away for the weekend with my mother and sister
So just to let you know that I won't get to post over the next couple
We are going to see my uncle who lives up north
I remember the last time I was there
I weighed considerably less
I remember standing on the scales in his sitting room
In the early morning before anyone got up
That was April
Here's what I looked like back then

The one thing that is very annoying about weight re-gain
Is that I have so many lovely clothes that don't fit me anymore
The leather jacket seen in these photos
I can't close it anymore
The leggings I can barely get in to
But yet, I keep them
I can't bear to get rid of them yet
Some would say that is very telling
That maybe I am hoping that I will fit in to them again some day
I can't lie
There is a very small part of me that hankers to be that size again
Being able to wear anything that I wanted
But the price I paid for that was too high
And I have to remember that

I am going to my uncle's house tomorrow a different person
The last time I saw my uncle
He had brought 400 cigarettes back from Turkey for me
I am now a non smoker (67 days smoke free today!)
I was a very ill person
I remember when I was last in my uncle's house
I obsessed with buying a certain brand of crisps
He must have thought that I was nuts
I couldn't walk buy a shop without nipping in to get crisps
I am a lot more stable now
My mood
My anxiety
It has all improved
I am more present
I can actually sit and have a conversation with somebody now
I have a voice
My confidence has soared
I feel capable and able
I feel I can deal with what life throws at me

So yes
Things have changed a lot
And for the better
I am grateful to have a chance to be happy again
To be well
Because there is nothing more important than our health
Including our mental health
All the rest will come and go
But if we don't have our health we have nothing

I know some people would argue that I am not in recovery at all
That I am a functioning bulimic
And maybe I am
Maybe I am kidding myself
I don't know
All I know is that I feel better
I look better
And you can't argue with that

Anyway
I am off to bring the dogs to the kennels
They will not be impressed
But it's only for a couple of days
Then I'm off for a swim
Before heading away for the weekend
See you on the next post........

Sisters as heart, partners in crime

Ok
This is no funny
I'm not laughing
And this needs to be addressed
Myself and my sister are turning in to an old married couple
Don't laugh!
It's true!

Ever since my sister came home about 4 months ago
I've pretty much spent all day every day with her
Now, I'm not complaining about that
Not at all
My sister is as cool and awesome as they come
But slowly but surely
We have  turned in to a bickering old couple

Let me give you an example
My sister wanted to go to yoga this morning
And I didn't (Because I am surfing the crimson wave y'all)
When I came back from walking the dogs
My sister was in the kitchen all ready to go to yoga
Whereas I was ready to sit down with a cup of tea and relax
The following exchange ensued

Me: I really don't feel like going to yoga this morning
Sister: What? Why not?
Me: You know that I'm not feeling well, I'll just give it a miss for today
Sister: Oh please go, I don't want to go on my own. Look at all the times that I have gone swimming with you, 
That's manipulation
I know
Oh so you know but you don't care
Ah go on go
I'm trying to save money to buy new clothes for my ever expanding body
Now that's manipulation, do you want me to pay for you? is that it?
No, if I wanted you to pay for me, I would ask you straight out
Well think of all the tines I have brought you in the car to buy your crisps and chocolate and ham
I know but......
Just go

In the end I went
Under protest
But I did go
I had to deliberately not meet my sisters gaze at yoga
As I knew I would start laughing if I did

We were talking recently how we need to go out more at night
Like to the movies and such
I was joking and said we should have 'Date night'
Again like an old married couple

It's funny
If any one saw the way we go on when there's no one around
They would have us committed in a second
I've written before about how I think that laughter is the best medicine
It's good for the soul
And since my sister has come home
I have laughed a lot
I'm sure that has something to do with my feeling a lot better

So my sister and I were messing
And saying how we need to go on a break
And see other people
Oh my God
I hope no one takes this seriously
I am totally just taking the pi** here
My sister and I are sane, well adjusted people
No really we are
I swear we are........

Surfing the crimson wave

I first got my period when I was 14
I was lucky that I didn't get PMT
Or cramps
Or any other adverse effects
It was an inconvenience as I was a swimmer
But apart from that it didn't bother me all that much
For the next few years
It came and went
But when I was about 22
It stopped completely
And didn't reappear until about 3 months ago
So for 10 years I had no period
I have even forgotten that I was supposed to have one

So yes
About 3 months ago my period re-emerged
It was quite a shock to get it again
In a way it was like getting it for the first time all over again
And it has taken some getting used to
So every month since then
My period has come bang on time
Around the 16th of the month

But now when I get my period
I get cranky and irritable in the week before it arrives
According to my sister
If I am in the middle of a rant about something
She will simply ask
'When are you due your period?'
That shuts me up

Then the day before I get my period
I get really really tired
Like exhausted to the point that I need 2 naps a day
As well as a full nights sleep
I got my period on Tuesday
And since then I have been wiped out
I feel lethargic
I have big purple bags under my eyes
And I just generally feel like I want to climb in to bed
And stay there forever

I was wondering if any of you experienced this when you got your period back
Do let me know




Ten out of ten if you can name this film
I remember I used to love this film when I was a teenager
And this quote is one of the best