Peter Pan Syndrome

I was on the phone to the dog shelter last week

We were in the middle of a conversation

When the lady asked my what age I was

I told her

She began to laugh and said that I sounded like a teenager

I get this a lot 

Told that I sound a lot younger

And even look a lot younger

I know when I was very underweight 

I looked quite strange

I had this childlike body

With the face of a withered old woman 

But as I have become well

And regained weight 

My face has filled out 

As well as the rest of me

And I guess I do look a bit younger than my 34 years

I remember when I was a teenager 

I was in such a hurry to grow up

I did everything young 

My first disco

My first cigarette

My first drink 

My first boyfriend 

All before I was 15

Now that I am an adult

I wish that I had allowed myself to grow up slower

That I had taken the time to enjoy my childhood and teenage years

I look at my nephew

He has just turned 15 

And this week went to his first disco

To me he seems so innocent

I can not imagine him smoking or drinking 

And he seems to have no interest in these things 

Which I am so glad about

Because there is a chance

Like the four members of my own family

That he might inherit that addiction gene

So far he shows no sign of it 

But I know that can all change in a heartbeat

I guess my life thus far has been rocky

I began smoking and drinking at 14

Had my first proper boyfriend at 14

Began taking drugs at 15

And the next 15 years were a Wright off

My twenties

The years when you discover who you are and what you are about 

Didn't happen that way for me

So I guess now in my thirties 

I am living my twenties 

If that makes sense 

Mentally 

I am 24 years old 

Barely an adult 

I guess I dress young too 

In my jeans and trainers and hoodies

But I'm ok with that 

I am still growing up

Finding out who I am 

My views and opinions

My dress sense 

My way of coping 

Of dealing with life

They say that youth is wasted on the young

I agree 

I didn't appreciate my youth 

My childhood 

My teenage years 

I was so busy trying to be an adult 

So busy wanting to grow up

I got my first full time job when I left school

I was doing well

But it wasn't long before my drug use began to spin out of control

The next 14 years were chaotic to say the least 

There were a few years during that time

That I don't know how my family got through

My mum and I were speaking about this just yesterday 

There was a time when four out of six of us were in active addiction

It was crazy 

So many shocking things happened 

Addiction rips families apart

As it did mine 

It's only years later 

And with the four of us in recovery

That our lives have begun to heal

They also say that the age you are when you start using/drinking/starving/purging is the age you stay until you stop

I was 14 when my problems started 

And that makes sense to me 

That I am still a teenager

A young adult 

Mentally

And physically 

I think our eating disorders 

Are also something thdt keeps us from growing up

There is something very child like about EDs

Anorexia is sometimes a protest to growing up

Bulimia is the inability to control ones self

Again 

Like a child 

I know I have resisted growing up once I reached adulthood 

Being an adult

And everything that goes with it

Scared the bejesus out of me

I worried and stressed that I wouldn't be able to cope

Wouldn't be able for the responsibility 

It just all seemed like too much 

I struggled to deal with reality 

Struggled with substances that allowed me to escape from that reality

I struggling with impulse control

Which has bothered me a lot over the years

Like a child 

There is no no for me

I see something and I want it right now 

There is no control

None at all

Its only now

At the age of 34

That I am getting my life together 

That I am starting to grow up

I know I have a lot of work to do

I have taken the first step 

But there are still many miles to go 

And maybe it's actually a nice thing that I don't look my age 

Maybe it will stand to me in years to come 

I've seen over the last couple of weeks

The areas I need to work on

I want to be a responsible adult 

I want to act my age 

Sometimes it bothers me 

That at my age I am still living with a parent 

But then I remember that I am not living with my parents

I am sharing a house with my mum and sister 

I have the freedom to do as I please

And I get on with my mum very well

It would be crazy for me to try and maintain a house by myself 

It makes more sense for me to live here

And I like living here 

I feel safe 

I feel loved

Honey and Lea love it here

They are happy here 

Our house is home 

It's where we all meet for tea

For dinner

To play games 

To celebrate holidays and birthdays 

It's the centre of our family 

With all that said

I was wondering about you

Have you resisted growing up like me?

Do you think that your ED has anything to do with not wanting to grow up?

What age do you feel?

And what age are you?

Do you like being the age you are?

Inquiring minds want to know.....

Ruby Returns....

I'm back 

After a few days of a blogging break

It felt like years rather than days

I missed blogging 

I missed writing

I missed you

My little blogger family 

My dear friends

I missed the constant to and fro of comments and replies and emails 

I missed feeling part of something

Something bigger than me 

I missed reading your updates

Commenting 

I missed it all

But as I said before I left 

I had acknowledged that my real life needed some work

A lot of work if truth be told

This week has been tough 

I've had to take a good hard look at myself 

My life 

What I do of a day 

How I manage myself

My ups and downs 

My emotions

My relationships 

My addiction

My eating disorder

My medications 

Yes 

It was plain to me 

That my real life needed some attention

There have been a lot of lessons learned in the last few weeks 

Especially around blogging

I learned that just because it happened 

Doesn't mean I need to blog about it

As a rule 

I've always elected not to write about others 

My family 

My friends 

My blogger friends 

But lately I've been bending that rule 

And that is not ok with me

I guess sometimes I feel pressure sometimes to produce the goods where my blog and my writing are concerned 

As you know 

I write everyday

And some days it's incredibly difficult to think of something to write about

So lately I've writing about things that maybe aren't suitable for my blog

Things that should be kept to myself 

Putting pressure on myself to keep interesting and readable

I have broken some key rules that I would usually live my life by

I have written about things that I usually wouldn't have 

The other issue 

Is how open and honest I am on my blog

It's a double edged sword really 

Being that honest I know can help others

And encourage them to be honest too

And I want to continue to be honest 

I really do

But I think I've been putting myself in a vulnerable place lately 

Again

For something to write about 

And almost for the shock factor too

My blog started to become like a fictional story 

A made up character 

Rather than my life

I would read over my blog

And it was like reading about someone else 

Like it wasn't me 

That's not good 

And I love to turn incidents in my life in to stories 

Even the smallest thing can be made in to a good story 

But I have to remember that this is my life  that I am writing and reading about 

It's a real person

Not a character in a story 

Then there is the whole meds situation

I have given responsibility of my meds to my mother 

She is holding on to them 

And I go to her each morning to take them

I know she doesn't really hide them 

I could find them if I wanted to

And she doesn't stand over me as I take them 

So I could stockpile them and continue to mess around them

I can't lie 

Everyday hasn't been perfect 

But I am doing my best 

And a hell of a lot better than I was doing 

So I guess I'm moving in the right direction

I'm seeing Breda on Monday 

So I am going to make it my business to speak to her about my meds

Again 

I am reluctant to talk to my doctor 

But 

I will play that one by ear

I met a good friend yesterday 

A girl I was in treatment with

And have kept in touch with since

We meet up every few weeks 

And it's always so lovely to chat to her

She is a few years older than me 

So she always has some sage words of advice for me

I told her that over the last while

I have been having an existential-type crisis 

You know the one 

Where you ask yourself 

Who am I?

What am I doing ?

Where am I going?

What is my purpose?

Am I just a waste of space?

A burden to my family and society?

I've been asking these question a lot lately 

As a feel I am just treading water 

And barely keeping my head above the water line 

My friend said some really wise things 

That I am doing my best 

That I am enough 

Just the way I am 

That I will find my way

I am finding my way 

I have been through a lot

And am barely a year in to my recovery 

I just need to keep going 

Keep putting one foot in front of the other

And keep fighting 

Another thing I have learned 

Is that I am not perfect

And never will be

No one is 

I've made some pretty horrible mistakes in my life 

And when I am feeling low 

I take them out of the file in the back of my head 

And berate myself with them 

I've been doing that a lot lately 

I've made myself sick to my stomach with all the awful mistakes I have made in my life

If I think about it too much

I really will go insane 

One thing that has been helping me 

Is saying the the serenity prayer

God grant me the serenity 

To accept the things I can not change 

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference

There is something so soothing and comforting about saying those words

Over and over

Like a mantra 

A chant 

There is also something comforting knowing that I can't change the past 

I can't change things I've done

I've said 

The people I've hurt 

The utterly stupid mistakes that I have made 

All I can do is learn the lesson

And move on 

So yes

Hopefully this is the start of me moving in a new healthier direction

I can't lie 

I still have huge urges to escape reality

The thought of living day in day out is

Terrifying 

But 

As my friend said to me yesterday 

Delay 

Delay the thoughts 

Delay the behaviour 

Delay

Also 

All I have to deal with is this 24 hours 

And tomorrow I will deal with when it comes 

I don't know guys 

I guess this is just life 

And sometimes life sucks 

Everyone goes through tough times

Everyone has a story 

A past 

A few skeletons in their closet 

No one is perfect 

Everyone has made mistakes 

It's not just people with mental illness or addiction that need to clean house sometimes 

It's everyone 

By the way 

Just to give you an update on the dog shelter situation

I rang them before I went away 

To let them know I would start when I got back

They said to ring when I returned 

Which I did 

Where upon they told me that they had me on file

And would ring me when I was needed 

I was confused 

As I thought that I would be starting 

But it looks like I might have to call in to them again

As a phone call doesn't seem enough

Anyway

Just wanted to let you guys know that I am here

And I am ok 

As ever 

I will keep writing

Keep showing up and doing my thing

Keep fighting for a better life 

For recovery 

For me and my family 

A break from the break

I'm taking a little break from my break

To share this article with you

It's compiled by Healthline

And features different contributors advice about binge eating

My two cents is in there too

I think it's really helpful

Hope you do too....

http://www.healthline.com/health/eating-disorders/binge-eating-best-advice

Lessons learned and taking a break

A lot of lessons have been learned over the past couple of days 

I am someone who lives their life on impulse

Everyday I do things without thinking them through

And I do it for instant gratification 

I think I need to slow down a bit 

I need to breathe

And take a big step back

And look at my life 

I've made a commitment to go to a meeting tomorrow

And I'm also handing my meds over to a family member 

For the time being

Just until I can trust myself again

So yes 

I am going to take a little break from my blog and the Internet

I need to focus on my real life

And my real life relationships 

I think I've had my head stuck in a virtual world 

Putting pressure on myself to write everyday

I'm not sure how long I will be gone 

Maybe days 

Maybe weeks 

But one thing is for sure 

I will be back 

At some stage 

I just need to get my ducks in a row 

And sort out what is keeping me stuck

 

If you are wondering about Marla

She is ok

We have been emailing back and forth. 

And are going to put this incident behind us 

So I will see you in a little while

Please take care of you

And each other 

I will see you on the flip side....

At a loss....

Do you ever wish you could turn back time?

And change history?

I sure do 

I feel sick to my stomach about what has gone on in the comments section of my blog the last couple of days 

I also learned a big lesson

Just because it happened 

Doesn't mean I have to blog about it

Which leads me to think that maybe I am being too honest on my blog 

Maybe I should censor myself a bit more

And not be so frank all the time 

Maybe I should take a break from blogging to asses where I am at 

Because I am not in a good place

The reason I am upset today 

Is not just what happened with Marla

But because this is the second time this suggestion has been brought to my attention

I don't know if you remember Loulou who used to be a close friend of mine 

We texted and emailed every day

She was good to me

And I did my best to help her

She also brought it to my attention the idea that our community is not healthy 

I disagreed with her

And we had a huge argument 

All through texts

And I haven't heard from her since

Thdt must be about a year ago now

So this tension with Marla reminds me of Loulou 

And makes me question myself 

And my motives for writing 

And the support we give each other 

I don't know if you read the anonymous comment left on my last point 

The writer brought up a lot of good points 

It was food for thought for sure

After everything that happened yesterday 

I had a long chat with my mother 

We talked about where I am at 

And what I need to do to keep moving forward 

Of course the subject of meds came up

As it always does 

I've agreed to let my mother take responsibility of my meds from now on

As I just can't trust myself 

Ive decided not to speak to my doctor about it 

But I will speak to Breda when I see her next week 

My mother also reminded me 

That back in August 

I told her that I was going to use this year to get a good foundation in my recovery 

Thdt I was going to take my meds correctly 

Go to meetings 

And stay in touch with friends 

I have done none if these things so far

I haven't been to a meeting in months 

I'm abusing my meds 

And I've lost touch with all my friends 

So the only social outlet I have is here on my blog

That can't be healthy 

I know I need to focus on my real life relationships more 

I am stuck at the monent 

I acknowledge that 

I've come a long way

But thdt doesn't mean I stop where I am 

There is still a long long way to go

After speaking with my mum last night 

I asked her to help me

To help me with my meds 

To help me get to meetings 

Which I have decided to go back to

As they do help

And keep me grounded in my recovery 

I know I will need support to get back on track 

Last night was horrible 

I couldn't look at the rest of the comments until this morning 

I felt so bad for Marla

And so guilty for my actions 

I spoke to my mum about blogging

And if it is healthy for me 

She made the point that a lot more positive things have come out of it than negative

That is true

95% of the feedback I get on my blog is positive 

And so many cool things have happened recently 

Being asked to do write for different publications 

And being able to help others 

So I won't stop blogging 

I will continue to write 

Just maybe not in the same way 

Today I am wondering if in fact this community is as healthy and productive as we think it is

Yes we are all friends 

Yes we support each other 

But are we being honest with each other? 

Are we telling each other what we want to hear

Or what we need to hear?

I am undecided on this right now 

I'm just not sure 

Marla made a point 

And I am wondering if there is any truth in it

I think back to my stints in treatment 

And remember how we all competed to be the sickest 

The thinnest 

Who needed the most attention from staff

I'm wondering if I Ruby do seek approval 

To be told that I am ok

Thdt I have come a long way

And therefore don't need to go any further

I don't profess to be perfect

I am the anthisesis of perfection

And am no poster girl for recovery 

But I need to keep plugging away at my recovery 

And keep fighting for my life 

I am honest here 

Probably to a fault 

And now I don't where to go from here 

Do I keep blogging as usual?

Do I take a break?

I'm still thinking about these things 

Because I need to get my priorities straight if I truly want to recover 

Which I do 

I guess I have some serious thinking to do

To reevaluate where I am at 

Jo made  the point yesterday 

That we need to stick together 

Because we are all in the some boat 

We shouldn't be pulling each other down

She is so right 

I don't want to argue with anyone 

And I certainly don't want to hurt anyone

Marla has emailed me

And she is ok 

But she is not going to read anymore 

I feel sad about this 

That she came to my blog looking for support

And ended up in the eye of a storm 

I learned some hard lessons over the past couple of days 

Next time 

I will think before I write 

Community

I write this comment a very bruised Ruby

I made a mistake

I should not have written my last post

I should not have publicly tried to sort out my issues with Marla publicly on my blog 

It was a knee jerk reaction

I felt hurt that I was accused of writing specifically for comments

And lashed out 

Now I fear an innocent person has been hurt 

Of course

Everyone is entitled to their opinion 

But I took offence to this comment

And write my post in a flurry of hurt 

I don't think I should have done that

Then of course

You

My loyal friends

Jumped to my defence 

And I know Marla felt that we ganged up on her 

And for that I feel sick

My blog is supposed to be a safe place 

A place where the truth is told 

Even if it is difficult to hear

As Jo wrote yesterday 

We are all in the same boat 

We should be pulling together 

Not falling apart

I appreciate you all standing up for me

But I don't feel right about the way I handled this situation 

I hurt someone 

And thdt is not ok with me 

I don't know where to go from here 

Make it Work

I don't have a lot of qualifications when it comes to education and work

I haven't studied beyond high school

I didn't attend college or university 

I don't have any specialists skills 

I have worked in a lot of different jobs

So I guess I do have some experience

Not a lot 

But some 

While most people I know were going to college

Travelling

Acquiring new skills 

I was in the midst of a horrific drug addiction

And following that

Anorexia and bulimia 

In a strange way 

I have mastered in those subjects 

They are topics that I know intimately 

I lived them 

Breathed them

Ate them 

And slept them for over ten years

I could write essays 

Thesis after thesis on these subjects 

And in a way 

I guess I do that everyday 

In writing this blog 

As you know 

I write everyday 

I write everyday for a few reasons 

I like to constantly have something new to write about 

I do it at the same time everyday 

So it gives my day structure and form

It's some thing that keeps me accountable and honest 

As well as that 

I love writing 

And am always thinking about new topics to write about 

I dont always write about addiction and EDs

I write personal posts 

I do photo posts

I review documentaries, books and TV shows 

I write about anything that interests me

And that I think will appeal to my readers

I often get asked to contribute to a website or guest post on a blog

At the moment I have three writing pieces 

In the works 

Which is really exciting 

As I have often said 

I am blown away by what can happen if you put yourself out there

If you are willing to share your story 

In an honest and vulnerable way

Writing my blog is a huge part of my life 

And I don't hold back

I share practically every part of my life here

In the hope that someone else feels the same

Or that someone else might not feel so alone 

It still blows my mind 

When I look at my stats and see people reading from Russia, Lebanon, Norway, China

I only know very few of you who read this blog

And of course there are the core readers and writers

Who form the back bone of this community 

And who I call my best friends 

My sister is always telling me that I should monetise my blog

Either by showing ads 

Or writing an E book

Or publishing a book myself 

There is no doubt 

That I have enough material for book

I have written 942 posts over three years 

Every moment over that time has been documented 

From my illness to recovery 

Every slip and relapse 

Every success and triumph

To read back on it is so amazing 

As as I soon as I have written a post 

I delete it from my mind 

So rereading it

Is like reading it for the first time

I really don't want to include ads in my blog

As I think they disrupt the flow of a blog 

But I would love to write a book

Or fashion my blog in to a book

That would be a dream come true 

Addiction and EDs are subjects that I know

I lived them

And in a lot of ways still live them

I just have this feeling deep down

That my blog 

And my experiences 

Are going to be a huge part of my life

And my work life 

And what you believe you create right?

With all that said 

I was wondering about you

Why do you write?

Would you like to make it your career?

Have you ever been published?

Would you like to be published?

Inquiring minds want to know....

Walkies...

Lea and Honey are now ten years old

In fact Honey is a little older than Lea

Lately I've really noticed their age

We used to do an hours walk no problem

But now Honey struggles to keep up

Especially if we are on a hill

I was out with them yesterday 

Down the back roads behind my house

I stopped to talk to one of the dogs in one of the houses down there

And Lea just panned out on the ground 

So I guess I need to shorten their walks now

In dog years 

They are 70 years old

So they are elderly for dogs

You can see it in Leas face

She looks old 

Honey however

It will take more than old age to stop her

Today

I thought I would share some photos with you of our walk this morning

As you will see 

Lea is loyal to the bitter end 

And never far from my side 

Honey on the other hand 

Will go with anyone who gives her food 

It shows her the slightest bit of affection 

Here they are...

The shame of addiction

First 

I want to thank you all for your comments on my last post

I really appreciate your candour and your honesty

I haven't replied to all the comments yet

But  will get to them today

Thank you all

Monday is always a bit of a Wright off

Having had no meds on Sunday

I usually sleep for a few hours on Monday 

Even if I did take my meds properly 

And didn't abuse them

I always make sure to take care of my dogs before I take my meds 

I get them up 

Let them out 

Bring them for a good long walk

Give them a chewy treat

And then take my meds 

I make sure I'm awake at lunch time to feed them 

But yesterday afternoon my mother woke me up 

To tell me that she thought the dogs were hungry

You can tell when they are hungry as they will bark and dance around your feet

I got up immediately and fed them 

But for me 

That was just unacceptable that I would be asleep while they are hungry

Shame on me 

I take pride in the fact that I am a good responsible dog owner 

But how can I be there for them 100% if I am abusing my meds

And sleeping my life away

After writing yesterday's post

I had a good long think 

And a good long look at myself 

Someone left a comment yesterday

That what I am doing is as bad as being addicted to heroin 

Only these drugs I get for free

This is a valid point

It's the same shit

Different substance

Others suggested that I need to fill my day

And have an occupation

I wholeheartedly agree with this 

And rang the dog shelter this morning

So hopefully I can start there soon

But yes

Yesterday I thought about my actions at the moment 

It must be really difficult for my mother and my sister and my dogs 

To see me out of it 

Nodding off and falling asleep 

Sometimes I see the look in my dogs eyes 

When I make my tea

And head in to the living room 

They look so sad 

Like they want me to stay in the kitchen with them 

But for the last while 

My meds have been the priority 

And that has to change 

I claim to be in recovery 

I claim to be turning my life around

That applies to all areas of my life

Not just my ED

I know I need to address this meds problem 

If I really want to be in recovery 

Not being there for my dogs is unacceptable to me

I rescued Honey and Lea

I've been there for them every day for the last ten years 

They are both elderly now 

And need a little bit of extra care in their old age 

This incident yesterday 

All your comments 

And my mothers and sisters concern

And my own concern

Have all added up to my wanting to make a change 

I have to make a change of I want to  live my life in the best way possible

Taking and overusing my meds is not making me happy

It's not fulfilling my life

It's not making me a better person

It's draining the life out of me

It's making me in to a sleepy, out of it down and out 

I don't want to be that person 

Not at all

One of the reasons I don't drink

Is because when you are drunk

What you say

And what you do 

Is not real

It's fake 

The same can be said for meds

When I am abusing them 

I am not myself 

What I say and do

Is not real

Because I am mood altered 

I am not myself 

So what do I do now that I know I want to make a change?

Some of you suggested that I give responsibility of my meds to a family member

This is a good suggestion

And something that has worked in the past 

However 

I've decided to give myself this week

To see if I can take them properly 

Starting today 

Depending on how this week goes

I will then decide whether to hand them over to a family member or not

History tells me that I am not good at managing my own meds and drugs

I've always been a greedy addict

If something makes me feel good

I will take it over and over again

No matter what the consequences

Usually 

In addiction

The precursor to change is hitting a rock bottom

That can happen quite quickly when illegal drugs are concerned

I hit many many rock bottoms during my own addiction

Because the drug I used is illegal

Crime is usually involved 

And other shady dealings 

The thing with prescription drugs 

Is that the are legal

My doctor writes me a prescription

I bring said prescription to the pharmacy 

Collect my meds

And it's all above board 

Of course 

I do not take my meds the way I am supposed to 

I take a double dose on some days 

But I think both addictions are the very same 

The only thing that separates them is that one is legal 

And the other is not 

At the moment 

I am having my cake and eating it

I have the luxury of having my addiction

With none of the consequences 

I get to live in a nice house 

In a dry clean bed 

With a roof over my head 

Clothes in my wardrobe 

And food in my fridge 

I could go on like this forever if I wanted to 

But do I want to?

No

I don't think so 

I am of the age 

Where a lot of my friends are getting  married 

Having children 

And pursuing a career

I do t know if I necessarily want that 

But it would be nice to have the option

I definitely want a career

I want to do something I love 

Whether that's working with animals

Or helping others with EDs and addiction

I can't see myself doing anything else 

I don't know if I want children

But I definitely want a partner to share my life with 

None of these jungs are possible if I continue abusing my meds

And maintain my addiction

I guess this issue is a big sign that all is not rosy in my recovery garden 

I am not doing this because I am a happy well adjusted person

I feel an inherent sadness 

I run from these feelings

I don't like these feelings

I accepted a long time ago

They my base level mood 

Is lower than the average person

I feel my feelings intensely 

Like I am hyper sensitive

That can be overwhelming 

Too much for me to handle 

So I cut my feelings off at the source

Because I don't know how else to deal with them 

I've never really developed alternative methods of dealing with my feelings 

I've always bounce from addiction to ED to addiction 

One thing that did help me stay clean and sober is meetings 

History tells me that I tend to do well when I am attending them

And being around others who are in recovery 

So why don't I go?

Well 

History also tells me that when I go to meetings 

I start off well 

And throw myself in to them 

But then 

I get complacent 

Start to skip them here and there 

And then stop going altogether 

And that is a pattern I repeat over and over 

Another reason I don't go 

Is that I don't always feel like part of the crowd 

Like I don't quite fit in

And that is a horrible feeling

I don't know 

Maybe meetings are not for me

Maybe I can do it another way

But then 

Maybe I should give them another shot 

And take it day by day 

One thing is for sure 

I need to do something 

Because time is going by so fast at the moment 

And before I know it 

My life will be over 

I guess my confidence in myself could be improved 

One of the reasons I am reluctant to pursue education or work

Is thstbibam afraid that I am not smart enough 

Not good enough 

Not pretty enough 

Too quiet 

Too shy 

Too introverted 

That the big bad world would chew me up and spit me out

What I would really love to do 

Is help others with eating disorders and addiction

I have absolutely no educational qualifications 

But I am more than qualified in EDs and addiction

And I really feel I could help others 

Because I have been there myself 

My blog is a huge part of my life

And I sincerely hope that my experiences will go some way to helping others 

As you know 

I don't censor my writing 

I share my story warts and all 

The ups and downs 

The highs and lows 

Every drama 

Every set back

Every triumph and success 

Is documented here 

I don't hold back 

Because I want to be real

And authentic

I don't know how to be any other way

So I am going to try 

Starting today 

I am going to try my best to take my meds properly 

And his day next week

I will asess the situation

And see what changes need to be made 

I am lucky 

I have great support 

Both in my real life

And here in my blog

Do with all your help 

I know I can do this 

And more importantly 

I really want to do this 

And that is half the battle 

So today is day 1

I will try my best 

I will find other ways to deal with my feelings 

I will speak to Breda 

And my doctor if I need to 

I have to do this 

For myself 

For my family 

For Honey and Lea

For all of us 

What is the alternative...?

Meds

I'm all off schedule this morning

I arrived in to the doctors this morning

To find that I had both my doctors appointment and Breda at the same time 

9 30am

I checked in 

And went and sat outside my doctors office

Then Breda came and I had to explain to her that I couldn't see her

So now I won't get to see her until November 2nd

I can't lie 

Part of me is glad I won't see her until then

She asked me how things are going 

I said good more or less

She asked what that meant 

I replied that there are things I could work on

Which there always are 

We left it at that 

And I went to see my doctor

He was pretty full this morning 

So I had a bit of a wait

Eventually I was called in 

My doctor talked about his printer for about five minutes 

Which I thought was amusing 

Then he got down to the nitty gritty

Two weeks ago 

He said he would reduce the methadone today 

He brought up the subject again this morning 

I played dumb

And said I couldn't remember him saying that 

He smiled 

And said 'We'll go down two mls'

I didn't have the energy to argue

So down I went 

Just then 

My doctor got a phone call

He answered

And asked me to step outside for a minute 

Which I did 

While I was out there 

A lady with the most beautiful baby girl sat down beside me 

I could take my eyes off the baby

He name was Cassidy

She just looked so snug and content 

And I wished I could swap places with her 

So all I would have to worry about is eating and sleeping 

Anyway 

After a couple of minutes 

My doctor called me back in 

He told me that it was one of the prisons on the phone 

Trying to get a psychiatrist to see one of the prisoners 

He mentioned the name of the prison

Castlerea

Straight away I had a flash back

Of me going in to the visiting room of the prison

With a mouth full of drugs 

Passing it to my boyfriend in a kiss

Then 

Going to the prison with my boyfriends uncle

Who was in a wheel chair 

Smoking weed in the car on the way there 

Then me getting so nervous that I let go of the wheel chair 

And the man fell out on to the ground 

Talk about drawing attention to yourself 

Needless to say 

I didn't mention any of this to my doctor 

I think he thinks I wasn't that bad on drugs

Little does he know....

Back to Breda

The reason I'm not thrilled about going to see her 

Is because of my meds 

In that I am still not taking them properly 

I misuse then 4 - 5 days out of 7

And now they my mother is around more

She is seeing how bad the situation really is 

Before

When she was working 

She was gone four days 

But now she is here all the time

She is starting to notice that all is not rosy in the recovery garden

So this is why I don't want to speak to Breda 

Because I won't be able to lie to her

And if I tell her

There is every possibility she will tell my doctor 

And I'm afraid my meds will be stopped

I know I've told my doctor before 

And what he usually does is have me go in to the pharmacy every day

But they never lasts 

And I go back to my old ways 

The thing is 

I'm not sure if I want to sort out the meds situation 

I mean 

I have it cushy right now

I get to have my escape 

With little consequence

Isn't that every addicts dream?

But at the same time 

I do want to live my life 

I want to work at the dog shelter 

I want to be free of my addictions 

But it's just so damn hard to live in reality 

Why? 

I don't know 

I just get so anxious

So bored 

So nervous 

So sad 

Sometimes I just can't stand being in my own head 

The negative thoughts going around my head in a never ending loop

Sometimes I just want out 

I was watching the last series of Teen Mom 2 yesterday 

Have you seen it?

I was watching it because of one of the girls has a prescription pill addiction

Leah is her name 

She has three kids 

All under 6

One with a disability 

And she is on her second divorce 

She is 23 years old

Anyone with eyes in their head

Can see that Leah is crumbling under the weight of her issues

But she is in complete denial

An addict can always spot an addict

I can see it in her eyes 

The pinned pupils 

The dark rings under her eyes 

The unkempt appearance 

The nodding off

And talking nonsense 

Leah was prescribed various painkillers and anti anxiety meds by her doctor 

And has obviously become addicted 

Shame on get doctor 

He should be struck off 

I watched the show hoping and praying the Leah would get help

It broke my heart to see her suffering so much 

She was a woman on the edge 

And I could tell if something didn't happen soon 

She might not make it

Towards the end of the show 

Leah had contacted a treatment centre 

And when the show finished 

She was planning to go

During the ads of the show 

It showed Lea as she is now 

And she looks great 

She's put some weight on her tiny frame 

The spark is back in her eyes

And her voice sounded animated 

I hope that Leah stays well

For her sake

And for those three children

As shocking as it was watching Leah's story 

It is all too common

Especially is the U.S. 

Where doctors seem to hand out strong prescription meds like smarties

Those doctors have a responsibility to their patients 

They took an oath to first do no harm

It makes my blood boil that Leah's doctor continued to prescribe her these meds 

Given the state she was in

But I have to admit 

I can relate to Leah 

The feeling of wanting to escape 

The feeling of not being able to cope with life 

Taking pills to check off the planet 

In a lot of ways I am just like Leah

But she is dealing with some pretty heavy stuff 

I guess I am too 

In my own way 

But my life is a lot more comfortable than hers 

That is for sure 

I don't know guys 

I guess I am trying g to have my cake and eat it too

But do I really want to spend my life drifting in and out of consciousness ?

Do I really want to throw my life away?

Do ideally want to miss out on the best years of my life?

The answer is 

That I don't know

I do know that I look forward to days that is abuse my meds 

And the days that I don't 

Are endless and tedious 

I know that that's life 

Life can be boring 

Monotonous

Repetitive 

I know I need to fill my days with things I love to do 

And find an occupation 

I am starting in the dog shelter in Wednesday 

And I am really hoping that it fills a void 

And I find my niche 

I got Lea and Honey microchipped last week 

My babies are now legit!

As microchipping is mandatory from next year on 

I love animals 

And feel a real affinity with them 

So I am going to throw myself in to the work 

And hope I can help myself and the dogs 

I know that I've brought up the topic of my meds before 

I feel I need to be honest about them 

And let you know that everything is my life is not on track

I know that's the nature of addiction

But I don't like to lie to people 

And I think when I see Breda in two weeks 

I am going to have to tell her what is happening 

Because how can the precessional sheep me if they don't know what is going on?

I don't know guys 

Watched this space I guess....

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

I know a lot of you ladies are on prescription meds 

And I'm wondering how that works for you

Do you take your meds as prescribed?

Do you overtake them ever?

Or stockpile them for a rainy day?

When do you think it becomes a problem?

If you see me what would you do?

Answers on a postcard please...

Recipe: Beef Goulash

When I was on holidays

I had the most delicious beef goulash 

In a little town called Selcuk

The food in Turkey had been hit or miss for me

And the beef goulash was by far my favourite meal while we were away

So since coming home 

I've been searching for a good recipe to follow 

And yesterday I found one 

On the BBC Good Food site 

So I thought I would make it today 

And share me recipe with you 

All the while wearing the beautiful apron that the lovely Bella handmade for me

Any excuse to wear it

Ingredients:

Olive oil - 2 tbsp

1 pound stewing steak

30g flour 

2 onions 

2 carrots

Celery

3 cloves garlic 

Green pepper

Red pepper

2 tbsp tomato purée 

2 tbsp paprika

Tin of tomatoes

75mls White wine

I pint beef stock 

I was also excited to use my measuring spoons and cups 

Method:

Add your olive oil to the pot 1 - tbsp

Cover your steak in the flour and brown well in batches being careful not to over crowd the pot

Set the browned meat aside

Add the rest of the olive oil

Also add the onion, garlic, celery, carrot and peppers 

Fry until softened for about 5mins

Return the beef to the pot

Add the tomato purée and paprika

Cook and stir for two minutes 

Then add the tin of tomatoes

Next, add the white wine and beef stock

Cover and bake in the oven for 90mins

Alternatively cover and cook on the job on a gentle heat for an hour, removing their after 45mins

Season with salt and pepper

 

Happy cooking!!!

Me

I'm aware that I haven't posted a photo of myself in a while

And if I have 

It's only been a head shot

I guess I have been self conscious about the way I look 

In my new scaffolding

I mean underwear

All the new curves and shapes 

Lumps and bumps 

So here I am 

Ruby 

Im not perfect 

I have too many flaws to count 

But this body is the only one I've got 

So I'm going to keep it

Like I had a choice anyway 

I am Ruby

I am a 34 year old woman

I have a past 

Like everyone does 

But I'm trying to make the most of my life 

And live in the here and now 

I am Ruby 

I've made many mistakes in my life 

But I've learnt from them 

And try not to repeat them 

I am Ruby

I am a good person 

I didn't always believe this 

But now I starting to believe that I am 

I am Ruby 

I am in recovery 

From addiction and disordered eating 

I am Ruby 

Here I am 

In this life...

Recently 

A strange feeling has come upon me

It has sneaked up on me 

Like a fox in the night 

I wasn't sure what it was at first

It felt so strange 

So foreign

Like nothing I have ever experienced before

It's only today

This morning in fact

That I realised what it is

It's happiness

At least I think it is

For the longest time 

I was so very numb

Between my ED and my addiction 

Happiness was not something that I experienced very much 

From the age of 13

I had been in trouble

In school 

Then after I left school 

My life began to implode 

I honestly don't think that up until this point

I had ever experienced happiness

Or anything approaching happiness

Contentment 

Satisfaction 

They were all foreign concepts to me

My twenties were a right off

Up until the age of 25 I was addicted to drugs 

And my ED was always there 

In the back ground 

I swear I went for years without laughing 

Or even smiling 

But recently 

I find myself laughing more and more

I firmly believe that laughter is good for the soul 

There is nothing better than a good belly laugh 

Nothing 

Over the last 15 months 

My life has turned around to the point that I don't even recognise it

And my families lives 

When I got ill

My whole family became ill

We were in such a bad way for years 

It is such a relief to have finally come out the other side 

There was a point in time 

When four out of the six members of my family were in active addiction

It was nothing short of a living nightmare 

Thinking back 

I'm not quite sure how we got through it 

I'm not sure how my mother stayed sane

It was utter chaos and devastation

But one by one 

We all got clean and sober 

And now we all have a good bit of recovery time behind us 

We've all done it in different ways

We have found what works for us 

As my mother often says 

Given what this family has been through 

We are not doing too badly at all

I haven't felt happiness in so long 

That I'm not even sure what it feels like

All I know is that I feel good 

I dont want to hurt or kill myself 

So that is a start 

I don't want to be anyone else

I am content to be me

I feel ok in my skin 

I don't want to be bigger or smaller

I don't crave an emaciated body 

I don't measure my worth in pounds and ounces

In fact I don't weigh at all

I measure my happiness and self worth by my actions 

By looking after myself

And my dogs 

By being a good person

And doing the right thing 

Most of the time 

I spent much of my life 

Looking at other girls 

And wishing I head their hair, legs, tan, shoes....

I put together the perfect body 

Using body parts from different girls 

I hated my own body

Hated my face

I was convinced that I was butt ugly 

And there was nothing I could do to improve my looks

And my body 

I hated it also 

I hated that I wasnt taller 

Leaner 

That my legs had no shape 

And my feet were deformed 

But now 

Now I see things a bit differently 

Yes

I have inherited my mothers hammer toe and bunions

But it could be so much worse 

They are things that I can deal with

And yes I am short at 5'4

But that's ok 

I'm of an average weight 

Yes 

I will never have a supermodel body 

But that's ok too

I remember when I was in treatment 

I was told that I had a petite hour glass shape 

That is not too shabby 

And better than a kick in the face 

Yes I have days when I literally want to die because I feel I have no redeeming features

I have days when I try on my whole wardrobe

And still can find nothing to wear 

I have my bad days 

Days when I just want to lie on the floor and scream and cry because my favourite jeans no longer fit me

The point is 

That most days are ok

Most days are good 

Most days I can leave the house feeling ok in my skin 

And that 

I can deal with

So much has happened in the last year

I regained weight to a healthy range 

I gave up smoking 

And 14 months later

Continue to be a non smoker

I decreased my purging by a huge amount

But the real changes 

The vital changes

Are the ones that have happened in my mind 

My thinking 

My beliefs 

And though process has dramatically changed 

I have come to realise that I can deal with life without relying on drugs or my ED

I've come to see that I am not a bad person 

And that for me is one of the biggest and best realisations 

Not only am I not a bad person

I am actually a good person

I am just a girl 

Who wants to live her life the best she can 

I want to live in my community

Quietly and harmoniously 

I want to look after my dogs

Walk then 

Feed them 

Love them

I want to be a productive member of society

I want to be valued 

And known as a reliable and good person

I have also come to realise 

That I am hugely blessed

I have a strong family around me

Who have carried me through my recovery on a wave of love and support 

My Mother 

Who continues to be my biggest cheerleader 

Is my rock 

My backbone

Over the years 

She has literally picked me up many times 

And have me a reason to keep going

I have siblings

And being the youngest of four 

I am forever treated as the baby 

I am so lucky to have had such amazing people in my life 

Family 

Friends 

Sponsors 

Mentors 

They have all been there exactly when I needed them

I am lucky that I come from a middle class family 

And have never struggled for money 

That is huge 

As it means that I never went without 

Even when times were tough 

Now

In my thirties 

It feels like I am finally figuring things out

Heck I got measured for my first bra at the grand ol' age of 34

And we all know what a revelation that was

My twenties were a blur of drugs and alcohol and starvation

My thirties feel clear and steady and mature 

So yes

I think I might be happy

My family are all in a good place 

My sister came home from Australia 

Which was amazing

She was sorely missed

And it's so good to have her home 

My health is good 

My mental health is good 

I feel part of things 

I am an active member of our community here

And this community means so much to me

You ladies 

Who have been staunch supporters of mine

I can never express the love and gratitude I feel for you amazing ladies

You have been with me every step of the way over the last 3 and a half years

This blog has saved my life 

And my sanity 

Over and over again

I am so honoured to be part of our little community 

I have met the most wonderful people through my blog 

People who I now call friends 

I hope I can maintain this feeling

I feel so positive about my life at the moment

Yes I am not perfect 

And there is still a lot of work to be done 

But right here

Right now 

I feel content 

I feel happy 

I feel ok to be me 

Because I am doing my best to be a good person 

And that is enough for me  

It's taken me a long long time 

But I finally feel like I know what I am doing 

Where I am going 

And what I want out of life 

I feel happy to be alive 

And that my friends 

Is a miracle 

Much ado about boobs....

Yes

This is another post about boobs

And the fact that I have newly acquired a set of 34 D boobs

Well

I guess I've had them all the time 

I just didn't know that I had them

I looked at the bra that I was wearing yesterday before I was measured

You guys

It was 32 B

I was squeezing my ample bosom in to a teeny tiny bra

No wonder when I looked at the holiday photos

My boobage was all over the place 

Spilling out of the top and sides of my clothes

People 

I was in denial about my chest 

In my head I had nice petite bosom

But now I know the truth 

That I have  massive boobs!

I am slowly but surely coming to terms with the size of my chest 

I have to 

They are out there front and centre for everyone to see

There is no denying them now

I have taken out my new bras many times since yesterday 

And looked at them in disbelief 

They are a thing of wonder 

I swear you could fit a basketball in each cup

It could swaddle a small child 

It could hold two adult sized heads 

I shit you not

I have tried many times to get a photo 

But 

Photos just don't do it justice

I did think about posting a photo of me just in my bra 

But after consulting with my mother 

We decided that it might attract an unsavoury element to my blog

So that was a no go 

But all joking aside 

It's quite the traumatic event getting measured for a bra having gained weight 

Growing up 

I was pretty flat chested 

In to my twenties I was a 32 B

Blooming to a 34 D is a relatively new phenomenon 

But I guess it's partly to do with my age also 

I am 34 

I am a grown woman 

Even though Most of the time I am in denial about that 

My body has changed in the last few years 

I used to be so straight up and down 

No curves 

No shapes 

Now?

Well I have curves and shape to spare 

And I am becoming ok with that 

I've lost and gained so much weight over the years 

My body probably doesn't know what is happening 

And is trying to hold on to weight for dear life

I know I wrote about it yesterday 

But I was in genuine shock when the sales lady had me try on a 34 D

I thought she was just trying to figure out what size I was 

And then when it fit perfectly!

Well

I was in disbelief 

And you guys 

Not even only is my second bra a 32 D

It's a 32 DD!

I was too embarrassed to say yesterday 

But she actually said I was between a D and a DD

Jesus H Christ ladies!

What is happening to me?

I swear I don't recognise myself anymore

I think I am becoming 

Dare I say it 

Plus size

I feel like I have gone beyond the realm of  a normal healthy weight

And am tipping in to plus size 

Now I could be completely wrong about that 

I mean 

I am a UK size 10

So technically 

I am still of a normal healthy weight

But you guys 

I feel like there is so much of me at the moment 

That I can barely contain myself 

It's scary 

It's exciting 

It's terrifying 

It's thrilling 

It's so many emotions and feelings 

One of the great things about my bra now fitting correctly 

Is that it gives my body a nice shape 

I look in proportion

My waist looks smaller in comparison to my chest 

And I just look a bit more balanced

So that's nice

Now I just need the confidence to rock my new look!

I just asked my Mum if she thinks I am plus size 

She clicked her tongue and laughed 

So maybe I am wrong about that one 

I'm just trying to make myself feel a little better about this situation

I am aware that there are people reading this 

Who are still in the midst of their illness

Still suffering 

Still underweight 

And can't even contemplate allowing themselves to gain weight

I know that what I'm writing about here today is something that you might even greatly fear

And just can't let yourself go to that place 

I know because I was you 

I was in that place

When I was sick and underweight 

Allowing myself to gain weight was just out of the question

I couldn't comprehend it

It was something that terrified me 

To the point that I went to drastic measures to keep my weight low

I over exercised

I purged a stupid amount every day

I used laxatives and enemas 

I ate and allowed my body to consume precious little

Weight gain was my biggest fear

I can remember being in treatment 

I couldn't let go of the control

Couldn't eat and keep it down 

Wouldn't let my body absorb the calories it so desperately needed

At that time 

In my mind 

There was nothing worse that gaining weight 

It was inconceivable 

I couldn't get my head around it 

But then 

As you know 

About last April

I began to regain weight

In a lot of ways 

My recovery has happened in spite of me 

In a lot of ways 

It feels like I was carried along on a wave of love and support

And weight gain and recovery happened to me 

Rather than something I actively participated in

I know that sounds strange

But that's the way it feels

And I know that is probably the exception  rather than the norm 

But what I want to tell you

And you know I would never lie to you 

That weight gain hasn't been the horrid thing that I thought it would be

Of course 

As first 

It was traumatic 

And for me it happened very quickly 

Faster than I could process it

I can vividly remember the first time I noticed weight gain

I was still very under weight

But I was in the shower one night 

And I noticed that my tummy felt bigger 

I got out of the shower 

And proceeded to weigh myself 

I had gained a couple of kilos 

And I just wanted to die 

That was probably my lowest moment in regard to weight regain

After that 

It got easier 

I saw the benefits that came along with weight gain 

And I realised that I would rather be healthy and happy 

Rather than underweight and miserable 

Yes 

There is a feeling of satisfaction knowing that you are thin

But if you are utterly miserable 

Is it really worth it?

I really don't think so

Of course 

I realise that when I was ill

So many people told me these exact words 

That recovery is worth it

And I just had to take a leap of faith

So many people 

My family 

My friends

The professionals 

Told me to take a chance 

And I would reap the rewards 

But I know it's no good being told this 

You have to experience it for yourself 

Because I didn't believe those people 

Didn't want to believe them 

I was so stuck in a rut 

So disordered

And my thinking was so warped 

You don't think straight when you are malnourished

It's harder to make sense of things

Now that I am out the other side of my ED 

I feel it my duty and obligation

To tell you that there is life beyond ED

And addiction

I am more cautious to talk about addiction

As I still struggle with this 

Regarding my meds 

But with my ED?

My life is unrecognisable 

I feel one million times better 

I look very different 

I am a different person 

And I need you to know that it is possible for you too 

It's essential thdt you don't give up hope 

That you keep fighting for a better life

And a better future

Because there is a second chance for all of us 

If you are like me 

You might think that it is too late for you

But it's never too late 

Never 

I  am 35 years old

And it's only now that I am figuring things out 

And I am a slow learner 

My twenties were really tough 

A lot of people's twenties are

It's a time when we are trying to figure out who we are 

And what we are about 

Often we make a lot of silly choices and mistakes during this time 

God knows I sure did 

But now that I have reached my thirties 

I am a bit more sure of myself 

A bit more settled

And it's such a relief 

Such a good feeling to be finally figuring things out

Because for so long 

I was so lost 

So afraid 

So lonely 

But now 

Now things are coming together for me

And I am so grateful for that 

So please 

If you do one thing today 

Allow yourself to believe that there is a better life for you

There is life after anorexia/bulimia 

There is hope 

There is faith

There is a second chance for you

I know because it happened to me 

I fell as low as you can go

But I stand here before you today

Stronger than ever

If I can help just one person with my blog

And my experience 

Then my path and my experience 

has been worth it 

So please 

Today 

Give yourself a break

Give yourself the best gift of all

The gift of recovery and life 

Because you are worth it 

We all are

Now 

Back to boobs 

Here is a photo of one of my new bras 

You see?

It's mahoosive!!!