What's a messed up girl to do?

It's a bank holiday here today. It's tradition in my house to do sweet feck all on a bank holiday so that's what I'm doing. I went to the shop earlier with my pyjamas on underneath my hoody. My thinking was that I'll just be putting them on again later so what's the point in taking them off. Is that depression talking? I think so.

I've already b/p purged once today but gonna try and leave it at that. Who am I kidding I have no control over the b/p monster. It rears it's ugly head whenever it god damn pleases. I have no meds left. I always have none left on a Sunday/Monday. Reality bites!

I was reading another blog today and the blogger posed the question 'am I really sick?'
I ask myself this question a lot. All the evidence points to yes. I've been diagnosed with anorexia/bulimia as well as depression, anxiety and drug addiction. I haven't had a period in nearly 10 years and well, I just don't function normally. My whole world is my eating disorder, it's all i think about. Losing weight is the most important thing in my life, how sad is that? But still I ask myself 'am I sick?' I'm sure it must be a  symptom of the eating disorder that I don't feel sick or it doesn't count unless I am the sickest.

There are 2 sets of scales in my bedroom, I haven't weighed in nearly a week and they are taunting me, daring me to step on them. I'm terrified of them. They have the power to spin me in to a black hole so I don't know which way is up. They equally have the power to sky rocket me into euphoria if the number is down. Neither is normal. Why do these numbers rule my life? Weights, sizes, measurements..... I wish I was  just comfortable in my own skin no matter what size I am, I suppose that's why people choose recovery but recovery equally terrifies me.

What's a messed up girl to do?

Please tell me things will get better,

Much love,

Ruby-tuesdayxxx

Dance, dance, dance

I'm still feeling the effects of the diet pills I took yesterday, queasy and just a feeling of all I want to do is lie down and sleep. Note to self, don't take them again.

A few weeks ago I signed up to do a Strictly Come Dancing type fundraiser for a charity in my area. Our performance is in 2 weeks. So my dance partner called in this morning to practise. I was feeling pretty shit but we need the practise. It went well. I actually love dancing. It's one of the only things that takes my mind off my ed. Our dance is 1920's themed, the charleston etc. It's coming together.

Foodwise today I haven't been that hungry so I didn't binge or purge at all. Usually Sunday is a big b/p fest for me because I'm usually in the house on my own and have nothing on. On a Sunday I usually go to the supermarket in the morning, fill a huge shopping bag with binge food, not forgetting 7up free to help bring it all back up and walk out of the shop. I have an irrational fear that the person working on the checkout knows what I'm going to do with all this food so to save myself the embarrassment I bypass them. I'm not condoning shoplifting at all and I never steal at any other time but I do this the odd time and yes I am ashamed of it and I do worry what people who read this will think. But this is the reality of my ed and as hard as it is to admit these things I have to be honest. As I said I haven't b/p today, all I've really had to eat is tea and toast. Ididn't weigh today either, I've decided I'm going to weigh on Wednesday morning and hopefully will see a loss.

My mood is ok today, I dragged myself out of bed reluctantly this morning but I think the dance practise cheered me up.

Til tomorrow,

Much love,

Rubyxxx

You like your girls insane

In an effort to kick start a four day fast I took 2 diet pills this morning. Now I remember why I don't take them. They make me feel really queasy  and they  mess with my head. So I'm too sick to eat, drink or even smoke a cigarette. Have been lying on my couch for the last 2 hours watching the final of Masterchef New Zealand. Food porn.

The last few nights I've been waking up in the middle of the night absolutely ravenous and have been raiding the kitchen cupboards for something to eat. I think this might have something to do with my mysterious weight gain. I'm not even fully awake when I do this. I'm sleep bingeing. What a greedy guts!! I'm waking up the morning surrounded by twix wrappers, crisp packets and other debris from a midnight feast. This has to stop.

I was thinking about inpatient treatment for eating disorders and how it didn't really work for me. I've been in treatment 3 times and granted I've never actually finished the programme successfully but it doesn't seem to have worked. Maybe I just wasn't ready. I was wondering if any of you (if anyone's reading this)  have been in treatment and how you got on.

Ok I'm off to watch Come dine with me (more food porn)

Much love,

Rubyxxx

Too scared to weigh

Still haven't weighed. What a coward.

I'm finding that when I wake up  in the morning I'm dreading the day ahead. The last time I remember feeling this way was when I was addicted to drugs. I used to wake up feeling so depressed knowing what the day had in store. Actually there a lot of similarities between my drug addiction and my ed. I guess my ed picked up where my addiction left off.

I definitely have an addictive personality and I think I could possibly get addicted to anything - drugs, alcohol, prescription meds, food, television, exercise, laxatives..............

Sleep is a welcome release. I look forward going to bed at night to get a break from the committee in my head. I can escape to the land of dreams where anything is possible.

I'm feeling pretty lonely these days. I used to go to Narcotics Anonymous meetings and had a small but close circle of friends including two girls who also have eating disorders. But as I regressed further and further into my ed I pulled away from my friends. First I stopped going to meetings, then was only in contact by text but now there's no contact at all. My world has shrunk to just me and my ed. There's no room for anyone else.

I have two dogs and they're the only things keeping me sane. I have to get up to let them out. I have to walk them so that gets me out of the house. I'm responsible for them.

I'm trying to hang on. I've already b/p once today. I went food shopping with my mother. Sometimes I love food shopping, sometimes I hate it. Today I was hungry so I bought binge food and 7up free to help me purge. We'll see how the day pans out.

Much love,

Ruby tuesdayxxx

Ignorance is bliss

I haven't weighed in two days for two reasons. 1 my therapist Mary has asked me  not to and 2 I just can't face it.  I know I've gained, I can feel it. My jeans feel tighter, where my hips used to stick out is now flabby. Of course I might be totally in my imagination but I fear not. I'm seeing Mary again in  week so I won't weigh until then and hopefully I'll see a significant drop.

So Mary is nice and she's very on the ball. I've told her that I'm not sure that I want recovery but she says feeling like that is normal. I'm not 100% honest with her yet. Part of me doesn't want to tell her all my ed secrets because then what's left for me? Today she went through the physical effects of my ed and being underweight eg loss of periods. I didn't tell her but the truth is I actually don't mind things like this. In fact I see things like lanugo, hair falling out as indicators that I do have an ed if that makes sense. They're like trophys of my ed. For example when I got blood tests done recently, I was hoping the results would come back abnormal because then I would know for sure that I have an ed. I suppose because I don't see the thinness I'm looking for other things to prove I have an ed. Weird I know.

I'm attending a wedding abroad in July. Nothing like a wedding to bring on the motivation to lose weight. So that gives me 3 months to lose as much weight as possible. I'm thinking a stone will do nicely. I want peolpe to do a double take when they see me, I want them to be shocked, to elbow each other and whisper oh my God what happened to her. Is this attention seeking? Probably. I want to flaunt my bones like they are pieces of jewellry. I want to look delicate and fragile and ethereal.  I want to be as light as a feather.

I will  get there.

Much love,

Ruby tuesdayxxx

Epic fail

So day 1 of my fast was a disaster, I lasted til about 5pm, then I broke loose and ended up bingeing and purging all evening. Uuughh.  Have started over today and so far it's going better.  I fight evenings the hardest, maybe because I've more time to myself. The devil makes work for idle hands and all that.  Am going to my dance class tonight though so that'll keep the binge/purge monster under control (as well as burning calories).

I didn't weigh this morning. I just couldn't face the disgust, disappointment, sadness, anxiety, anger if the number was up. I'll weigh in a couple of days when I'm sure I've lost weight.  God, I remember the days when restricting was so easy and the weight just fell off. Nowadays it's so much harder, food is much harder to resist.  I think it's a myth that people with eating disorders don't like food.  I can only speak for myself but I love my food, really love it  but I'm also afraid of it.  Afraid that once I start eating I'll lose control and won't be able to stop.  Also I think it's harder to lose weight the older you get.  I'm 30 now and have had my ed for 11 years.  It's never been this hard to lose weight but I'm not giving up just yet.

Saw my psychiatrist today who I'll call Dr. M.  We've always had a rocky relationship but he was actually nice to me today and said I had made some progress.

Please let me know if anyone's reading this.

Much love,

Rubyxxx

My so called life

God I am so angry with myself today

I spent most of yesterday sleeping so I didn't binge and purge at all so was feeling pretty good.
That was until I stepped on the scale this morning.
Is it even possible to gain 2 pounds overnight? Well apparently it is.
I bypassed disappointment, sadness and anxiety and went straight to anger.
Anger at what a complete pig person I am.
What a disgusting lump of lard I am.
Is it my imagination or do my jeans feel tighter?

I wish I could unzip my skin and step out of it.

I had an appointment with my new therapist Mary this afternoon but I could barely concentrate on what she was saying.  She weighs me every few appointments and she weighed me today.
It reads even higher than my scale.

I lose it and start crying. Not tears of sadness but tears of pure temper. It's all I can do to not pick up the scale and bounce it off the wall. The number on the scale dictates my mood for the day and if it goes up it ruins my day, week, month.

I don't hear a word she says after that. I'm already putting a plan together to lose weight.
I think it's time for a a good old fashioned fast.  Only tea with sweetener is allowed or if I get really weak I'll allow myself a slice of toast once a day.  Just popped a diet pill to help me get started.
So am gonna try to channel this anger into motivation.


My lowers ever weight was 77 pounds. Have to get back there. It's all that matters right now.

I have a wedding in July so am gonna aim to have lost 15 pounds by then.

It will happen. I will be skinny again.

Much love,

Ruby tuesdayxxx