Big is beautiful?

I saw a documentary during the week called 'The big beautiful women's pageant' on BBC3
Yes I know, I always seem to be watching documentaries on BBC 3
It was part of a season of programmes about loving/hating your body
It followed 4 girls in the year running up to the pageant
The girls were all ranging in size from 18 - 30 and everything in between
One of the girls (size 18) complained that she felt too thin compared to the other girls
The girls went through training for the pageant
Things like how to walk and how to pose for photos
Each girl had their own story
Some had been battling with their weight for their whole lives
Some had recently put on a lot of weight
But the common thread was that they had accepted and embraced their bodies
They were all beautiful girls but I have to admit I found it hard to believe that anyone could accept their body at that size
But they did
They were outgoing, bubbly, cheeky and brimming with confidence
They even had a swimwear round in the competition
As I watched the programme and listened to the girls I couldn't help but be endeared by them
They were normal girls just like you and me
They had the same insecurities
There were parts of their bodies that they didn't like but overall they accepted themselves and didn't see any reason to change
One of the conditions of winning the pageant was that the girls couldn't lose a significant amount of weight for the following year
A beautiful Essex girl called Gemma won the in the end ( I was glad, I was hoping she would win)
She truly did look beautiful



As ashamed as I am to admit it, sometimes I judge people who are overweight
And especially if they are unhappy with their weight
I think to myself 'If you're not happy then do something about it!)
And of course other words come to mind when you think of  the word fat, like lazy
No one in my family is overweight so I have no experience of knowing someone who really struggles with their weight in this way
We've all seen the programmes on tv
'The 500lb man' or 'The 600lb woman'
It's like car crash television
We know we shouldn't look but we can't tear  our eyes away
I guess it's the same with someone who is emaciated
It's the extremes that fascinate us
And yes I  have judged these people
I'm disgusted by how I look therefore I feel the same way about these people
Logically and rationally I know I'm not overweight
My scale says I'm not
My clothes say I'm not
But I FEEL fat
I feel fat therefore I am fat



At my highest weight I was 130lbs at 5'5
Still in the healthy weight range for my height but in my head I was obese
I couldn't stand being in my own skin
I wanted to unzip my  skin and step out of it
I look at photos from that time and cringe
It didn't suit me
I have a small frame so any extra weight really  stands out



I went shopping yesterday to buy clothes for my trip
No mean feat trying to find summer clothes in the depths of winter
I found 3 tops I liked and took them to the changing room
As I stripped I caught sight of myself in the mirror
I felt like punching my reflection
Like screaming at the top of my lungs
Even though the clothes that I was trying on were a small size, I still saw a grossly over weight person staring back at me
I came out of the shop and unloaded on to my mother

'I'm so fat!'

'Am I really that fat?'

'Why didn't you tell me I was fat?'

She tries to placate me but it makes no difference
I know that no matter how small I am I will always see a fat girl
I'm a fat girl living in thin girls body



After watching this documentary I felt real admiration for these girls
They are bucking the trend and I love that
Every magazine, tv programme, actress, model tells us that we should be thin
That thin equals happiness and success
The thinner the better
But these girls have found that happiness does not come in a dress size
Does not depend on the number on a scale
You don't have to be skinny to be popular or loved
People who really love you will love you no matter what size you are or what you look like




So is big beautiful?
Well how can a size be beautiful?
Big isn't beautiful
Small isn't beautiful
It's the person within the body that is beautiful
Beauty radiates from within
If someone is truly beautiful it goes beyond the shell of a body
It resonates deep inside and shines out through every pore
Do you ever notice that sometimes a person can be physically beautiful but because they are a mean spirited person they begin to look ugly
Or the opposite, a person may not be typically handsome but because they are such a beautiful person it shines out of them
Why do we judge ourselves so harshly on our weight?
Why do we put so much effort in to being skinnier?
I have every weight from 77lbs to 130lbs and was equally miserable at all of them
And after all the body is just suitcase
Carrying the precious cargo that is inside
We have been conditioned and brainwashed to believe that thinner is better
Mostly by the media
That's why I love people like Adele
She has a great 'take me or leave me attitude'
I'm sure she has felt massive pressure to lose weight
To fit the mould of the perfect popstar
But her talent is so great she doesn't need to rely on her appearance
Her talent stand alone



Lady Gaga has received a lot of criticism over her recent sudden weight gain
Reports suggest that she has put on 2 stone
But I thought that she was definitely too skinny in videos like 'Born this way'
In fact I found this video very triggering to watch
But now she looks normal
She has curves and a shape
She has hit back by saying that she has 'battled anorexia and bulimia since I was 15'
And '"My boyfriend prefers me curvier. When I eat I am healthy and not so worried about my looks, I'm happy. Happier than I've ever been.



I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be in the pubic eye and have your weight scrutinised by the whole world
I know I couldn't deal with it
But I admire these women for not buckling under the pressure to conform

Now if only I could apply that in my own life............



Do you judge people who are overweight?

Weighing The Facts

I was supposed to see Mary on Wednesday but I cancelled
She gave me another appointment for today so I'm going to see her soon
The reason I cancelled was that I couldn't face being weighed
The anxiety I feel when I think about being weighed is almost too much to bear
You would think after years and years of being weighed that it would get easier
But if anything it gets harder
I would rather not know at the moment
The saying ' ignorance is bliss' has never been more appropriate
I'm not quite sure when these numbers became so important but they have
For the first few years of my illness I was oblivious to what I weighed and even if I knew it didn't bother me all that much
Maybe because I weighed so little
It wasn't until doctors and psychiatrists started weighing me that these numbers became so crucial
They seemed important to the doctors so they became important to me




In treatment they say it's not about the weight but to me it was all about the weight
Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday we would reluctantly gather on the pink chairs outside the office to be weighed
I remember one particular instance when I had been on bed rest for the past 10 days
If I didn't gain a certain amount if weight I was off the programme and going home
I entered the office hoping the nurse couldn't see that I was wearing 3 pairs of pyjamas and 2 pairs of socks
I had also downed as much water as I could stomach
I didn't want to go home and I needed all the help I could get
'Do you usually wear socks Ruby?'
I removed my socks cursing silently
I stepped on the scale holding my breath as if the air in my lungs would affect the number
The number was no where near enough
So I was sent home over a  couple of kilos




In treatment everything revolves around weight
It determines where you eat
If you get to go out at the weekend
Whether you're on bed rest or not
So I don't know how they can say it's not about the weight
Of course it's about the weight
It's all about the weight
I know they say that the scale doesn't measure the things that matter like how good a person you are
But to me the scale dictates so much
My mood
Self esteem
Self worth
And more
I hate it but it does
It is what it is
Those little numbers have the power to send me sky rocketing in to euphoria
Or spinning in to a black hole of depression
I think I will just flat refuse to be weighed today
I shall stamp my foot like a small child and say 'I won't do it, you can't make me!'






Everything is such an effort these days
It takes me a whole weekend to psych myself up to have a shower
I remember when I was on drugs I didn't shower for weeks
It isn't a priority when you're strung out on heroin
I'm not quite that bad now bit it's still a struggle
It's the cold I can't bear
And also I can't see the point
I mean it's not like I'm going anywhere or seeing anyone
Is that depression talking?
I think so!



I haven't managed to go to another meeting since the last time I went 2 weeks ago
I've used any and every excuse not to go
The truth is I just don't feel part of the 'gang'
I feel like an outsider
Like I don't fit in
Of course I haven't seen these people in a year so I suppose  it's understandable that I feel this way
I guess it's up to me to make the effort
To go to meeting
To say yes when I'm invited somewhere
But it's hard to believe that anyone could like you when you don't even like yourself
I almost become suspicious if someone wants to be my friend
I've become such a hermit
A virtual recluse
I only go out in the early morning and then hurry back to the safety of my house
Where I'm going I don't know
Recovery feels so elusive
Happiness is a dream I once had

Peace of mind is a distant memory
My head is a noisy place
Different voices fighting for control
I better go and see Mary now
She'll know what to do

When the going gets tough.......

1 cup of self hatred
2 tsp of low self esteem
2 cups of hopelessness
Sprinkling of despair
Mix well






I don't know if I mentioned it but I'm going away next month for 4 weeks
My mother and I are heading to Sydney Australia for Christmas




My sister has lived there for the past 10 years
Although it doesn't seem real at the moment
I won't believe it until I step off the plane and get a blast of warm air
I'm looking forward to it
It'll be the first Christmas ever where I'm doing what I want to do
I am usually the first person to get excited about Christmas but this year I feel nothing but empty
However I am incredibly grateful to be going away and getting to spend time with my sister
But I'm also anxious about going
How will I deal with my eating disorder away from home?
I only ever eat in my house, I rarely eat anywhere else or in front of others
Someone suggested that I leave my eating disorder at home
But of course it doesn't work like that
It's not  that simple
My eating disorder is a full time job
She doesn't take any days off
Just because I am going on holiday doesn't mean she is
No doubt she will stow away at the bottom of my suitcase
An unwelcome guest




Christmas is a bitter sweet time of year for me
When I was growing up more often that not it was a disaster
My father would get drunk and offend people
My parents would argue
People would get hurt
It can be a lonely time of year
A reminder that you are all alone
Also reflecting on the past year can be tough when you see that you are still in the midst of this illness
And the years seem to fly by now
Every year goes by quicker
Every year I vow that the next will be better
That I won't waste another minute on this cruel illness
By now living with my eating disorder is a catch 22 situation
I can't live with it
But I can't live without it
The more time that goes by the more entrenched I seem to get
My world has shrunk to just me and my eating disorder
Family and friends have been pushed away
Jobs have been lost
Education abandoned
Health compromised
Sanity long gone
Happiness is elusive
I feel so very numb
I can't remember the last time I laughed
I mean really laughed
I've become a shell of a person




Of course I spend a lot of time and energy trying to look like I am ok
I wear a variety of masks
Happy, confident, well


My act is polished and well rehearsed
An all singing, all dancing performance of 'I'm fine, no really I'm fine'
People presume that because I've regained some weight this year that I must be better
Yes, my body has started to recover but my mind is still so very far behind and still so sick
Anorexia is plain to see but bulimia is invisible
No one would ever know you had it unless you told them
People tell me 'You look well'
I hate those 3 words
I don't hear 'You look well'
I hear 'You've gained weight'
I know  people think they're giving you a compliment but to me it's an outright insult

I worry so much about the future
I rely heavily on my parents and they are not getting any younger
Apart from them I don't have many people in my life
When they're gone I will truly be on my own
What do I do then?
It's hard to imagine a 'normal' life
With friends, boyfriends, jobs, holidays and hobbies
I've been this way for so long that I don't know how to live any other way



If I were stronger I would dive head first in to recovery
I wouldn't lose another year, month, week, day to this illness
I would grab life with both hands
If I had more courage I would take that leap of faith
I would break my silence and tell my story
I wouldn't listen to the whispers of my eating disorder
I would help others through my experience
I would tell others how I truly feel
If I believed in myself I would take a chance on living life
I would reach for my hopes and dreams
I wouldn't hold up my white flag and surrender
But the reality is that my eating disorder has beaten me down over the years
It has shaken my confidence until  there was none left
It has knocked any self belief out of me
It has stamped out my self esteem and self worth
It has ruined any chance of achieving my hopes and dreams
All  I am now is a collection of labels and diagnosis
I'm not a person any more, I'm just an illness

By the way I am aware that this has been a bit of a bipolar post

Are you looking forward to Christmas or does it fill you with dread?
How do you deal with your eating disorder over Christmas?

Liebster Blog Award

I have just received a nomination for the Liebster Blog Award from the lovely Camille over at 'I tick the way I do because I am me'

Thank you so much Camille, this truly made my day!

Rules:

 - When you receive the award thank the person who gave it to you and include their link in your blog
 - Post 11 things about yourself
 - Answer the 11 questions of the person who nominated you
 - Choose up to 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers
 - Create 11 questions for your nominees
 - Inform the nominees of their nomination

So here's 11 things about me:

- I'm a dreamer




- I'm a typical virgo

 - I have 2 dogs, Lea a beautiful golden retriever and Honey a feisty little terrier

- Blogging has saved my life over and over again

 - I love to dance




 - My favourite singers are Lana Del Rey and Bat for Lashes

 - I live in the west of Ireland

 - I'm quite shy until you get to know me

 - I'm a recovering heroin addict

 - My eating disorder is killing me




 - If I could bring one thing to a desert island I would bring a radio


Camille's Questions:

What do you love most about blogging?
I love connecting with people who are going through the same thing as me
I also love that no matter who you are or what issues you have you are accepted here
Writing is the only way I can truly express myself

Name 2 of your bad habits?
Smoking, I hate that I'm a smoker and I hope to give up soon
Biting my nails, I bite them when I am anxious or nervous

What kind of music do you listen to?
I love all types of music from heavy metal to classical
At the moment I'm listening to a lot of Lana Del Rey and Bat for Lashes
The type of music I listen to depends on my mood

What does your perfect day look like?
My perfect day starts off with a cup of tea and a cigarette
Then I'll blog before rounding up my dogs and going for an early morning walk
I listen to phone in shows on the radio as I walk
I'd go to the local market to get something for lunch and the rest of the day would be spent relaxing with family and friends

What are your favourite foods?
My favourite food is Italian especially spaghetti bolognese
I rarely allow myself to eat it though

What is your favourite thing about yourself?
I'm a good listener

What is your favourite colour?
Purple or navy

If you could be any animal, what would you be and why?
I'd love to be a unicorn ( I know they don't exist but I've always been fascinated by them)

What is something that you strongly believe and why?
I believe that everything happens for a reason. It comforts me to know that even if something bad happens, there is a good reason as to why it happened that way

What is your favourite letter of the alphabet?
S, I love the way it sounds

If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?
Definitely New York, the city that never sleeps


My Questions:

1. What's  the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning?
2. What starsign are you?
3. When did you start blogging?
4. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
5. What 3 things would you bring to a desert island?
6. Have you ever been in love?
7. What is your party trick?
8. Who is your hero?
9. What actress would play you in a movie about your life?
10. Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts?
11. What is your motto?

The bloggers I am nominating are:

Nina
Emily
Rayya
Louise
Destiny
Bella
Loulou
Katie Elizabeth
English Rose

Suicidal Blonde

Last night I pulled out a notebook to do some writing
As I did it fell open on the last page
I saw some writing and when I looked closer I saw that there were messages on it from girls I had been in treatment with
I must have had this notebook with me in there
I've been in treatment twice in the last year
I read the names and the notes of love and encouragement
Immediately memories came flooding back of my time in treatment
Of meeting each other for the first time
Nervously checking each other out
Wondering if the others thoughts you were fat
Having that first awkward conversation
We became firm friends fast
Spent every waking moment together
I remember meeting every morning to go to group
Queueing up to go to lunch (we were always first, why I don't know, you'd think we would have been last)
Having post meal group
Curling our legs under us in an attempt to look smaller
Hanging out in the smoking room chains smoking
Sneaking out if the grounds to go on marathon walks
Shopping for new clothes when our own got too small
Waiting on the chairs in silence in our pyjamas every Monday, Wednesday and Friday waiting to be weighed
We knew by looking at each other whether we had lost or gained
We could read each other like a book
We laughed together
Cried together
Came through it all together
We were girls from every corner  of the country
City girls
Country girls
We were all so different but we were bound by thee common thread of our illness
I never felt as comfortable as I did around these girls



I remember we used to get anxious when we knew that a new girl was coming in
How sick would she be?
How thin would she be?
Will we look fat beside her?
But of course the girls that came in were all different sizes
From emaciated to over weight and everything in between
Sometimes there was competition to be the most ill
Sometimes girls craved attention
Others didn't want any at all
But as a group we stuck together



We came through the wars together
When one was flailing we carried her
When someone cried we held her



When someone left we hoped she'd be ok
But the reality was that the same girls came in time and time again
I've been in there 3 times and have seen the same girls come and go
Like  any addiction relapse is part of the illness


I remember being down in the coffee shop one day
The kids from the adolescent ward were also there
I saw one girl who was very thin and deathly pale
I couldn't stop looking at her and it made me so very sad
All of a sudden it occurred to me that that was what my family saw when they looked at me
Is  that what I look like?
I saw the same girl a couple of months later and she looked great
I hope she's ok

These girls were so beautiful
So talented
Artistic
But they didn't know it
They thought they were unlovable
Worthless
Fat
They came in and out of the revolving door  of treatment
Lose weight
Treatment
Gain weight
Lather, rinse, repeat
People presume that because I've regained some weight this year that I must be well now
But of course this isn't true
They don't know what goes on behind closed doors
They don't know that I purge up to 10 times a day
That every day is a fresh hell
That I am hanging on by my fingertips




I have considered going back in to treatment
The last time I was there they told me  that I only have one more chance to come back
So you see I have to use it wisely
I have to make sure that if I do go back in that I am committed
The last time it took me a year to muster up the courage to ring
One thing always stops me from picking up the phone
The fear of losing my eating disorder
Even though it's driving me insane, I still get incredibly anxious when I think of life without it
If it was taken away what would be left?
A big eating disorder shaped hole?
I suppose what would be left is me and that's exactly what I've been running from all these years
I just don't know anymore
I just don't know

Have you been in treatment or are you thinking of going in?
If you were me would you go back in?