Do you ever......

Do you ever feel like you are falling?
Falling slowly and you can't stop yourself?



Do you ever feel like you are drowning?
In deep, black water?
So cold it takes your breath away?



Do you ever feel like screaming?
But you open your mouth and nothing comes out?



Do you ever feel so alone even though you are surrounded by people?

Do you ever feel so afraid?
So afraid that you are paralysed by fear?



Do you ever feel like giving up?
Holding up a white flag and surrendering?




Do you ever feel hopeless?
So hopeless that you can't see the point of anything

Do you ever feel so desperate that you are hanging on by your fingertips?
Do you ever feel so broken that you feel that you are beyond repair?



Do you ever feel sick and tired of feeling sick and tired?

Do you ever feel like sleeping forever?




Do you ever wake up and dread the day ahead?

Do you ever feel like happiness is a distant memory?

Have you forgotten what it feels like to laugh?

Do you ever feel so over whelmed that you can't think straight?

Do you ever struggle to find reasons to keep going?

Do you ever fantasize about your own death?




Do you ever feel like you are just existing and not living

I do

But did you know that you are stronger than you realise



You are beautiful inside and out




This thing won't break us

Everyday we are getting stronger

Everyday that we fight we are winning this battle

We are suffering but every time we fall down, we will get back up

We feel so alone but we have each other



We are not victims, we are survivors

We feel pain but because of that we have the ability to feel happy

And we will one day

One day this will all make sense

It will all become clear

Then we will see that we did not suffer in vain

That there is a reason for all this

We are shining stars in a black sky

We will love and be loved

We will let our demons go and replace them with angels

We have strength in each other



We will get to where we want to be

We will

Heroin - The ultimate diet pill

I often get asked which is more difficult, dealing with drug addiction or dealing with an eating disorder
It's a tricky one to answer
They are both similar in many ways but they are also different
A lot of the feelings are the same
The guilt
The shame
The highs
The lows
The obsession and impulsiveness
Recovery
Relapse
They are both all consuming addictions
Same shit different substance
Your life revolves around them
Every waking moment is spent thinking about them
Even when you sleep you dream about them
Both are a full time job with no days off
Both are overwhelming
Draining
And they're both progressive
They wear down over time
They break you
They change the person you
Turn you in to some one you don't even recognise
They both want you dead, I have no doubt about that



For me drug addiction came first
At first I felt like all my prayers had been answered
I had found something that made me happy
Because in the beginning it feels good
It has to to get you hooked
It was like a switch flicked inside me
Suddenly all that mattered was the drug
That time is my life was so crazy it's hard to believe that it really happened
And it's so easy to slip in to denial
I genuinely believed that I could stop if I wanted to, I just didn't want to

I found a diary in my room during the week
It was from a few years ago when I was 19
It was terrifying to read
At the time I was doing my  first drug detox in a hospital in Dublin
I was in a locked ward with 10  other people who were hardened addicts
I was the only teenager and the only 'country girl'
I recorded my weight as 38 kilos at the time although I had no idea how thin I was
I wrote about how the nurses kept hassling me about food and I couldn't  understand why
I just couldn't face up to the fact that as well as an opiate addiction, I also had an eating disorder
My calcium, iron levels and blood pressure were extremely low and everyone was really worried
I was oblivious to it all
I was 19 and all I knew was that I wanted drugs
I look at photos from that time and I look like the walking dead
Heroin is the ultimate diet pill
A sick and twisted part of me longs for those days again
Not the drugs days but when I was really thin
Mary asked me recently if I wanted to look well and healthy
The truth is I don't
I don't want the soft curves that I am developing
I miss my sharp edges and pointy bones
How messed up is that?
The same part of wants to retreat down  the rabbit hole that is anorexia one more time
To go as low as I can
To reach a new low weight
The only thing stopping me is that I don't want to hurt my family
And also I may have one more relapse in me but I don't have another recovery in me




I was supposed to go to treatment straight from the detox ward but because I wasn't physically strong enough they wouldn't accept me until I had gained some weight
I was discharged and 3 hours later was back on drugs
Reading this diary I see how lost  and confused that I was
I just wanted to escape reality
To get out of my own head
Nothing's changed there then

So a few years down the road how have things changed?
Well I'm not addicted to heroin anymore
I'm still on methadone
My anorexia got worse, got better, got worse and has now morphed in to bulimia
But I think my state of mind may have got worse
Depression and anxiety have crept in
At 19 I still had friends  and now I barely see them
My confidence and self esteem are non existent now
Fear and anxiety keep me paralysed
I'm not moving forward, I'm not moving back
I'm just stuck
In limbo
And in some ways that's worse
I spent yesterday binging and purging
I literally couldn't stop
I felt like the monster that is bulimia had taken my body over
Kitchen, bathroom
Kitchen, bathroom
Kitchen, bathroom
The bin is overflowing with evidence
I'll burn it before my mother comes home
It'll be like it never happened
I really can't take much more of it
Something's gotta give
And at the moment it's my sanity
Am I going mad?
It feels like I am
I'm doing the same thing over and over again and expect different results
I am the very definition of insanity
The urge to starve is overwhelming
To vanish
To disappear and never return
If only they would let me go
I just don't know how to stop
I don't know what to do anymore





An eating disorder is different to drug addiction in that with drugs you can cut then completely out of your life
I was able to walk away from my old life
From drugs
From my old town
From my using friends
I got to start over
But with food you cant do that
You can't cut food out of your life
Well you could but that would defeat the purpose
You have to find a balance with food
A happy medium
My food intake is either too much ( in my head) or not enough
3 meals a day is an alien concept to me
The one common thing with all addictions is that you have to want to get well
Often the only person who can help is the one person who doesn't want the help, the addict
I am undecided whether I want to get well or not from my eating disorder
Some days I do
Most days I don't
As miserable as it is living this way, it's all I know anymore
It's my whole world



I found this in amongst my diary
I don't know who wrote although I'm sure it wasn't me
It sums up heroin addiction perfectly

I will seduce you and make you my slave
I've sent men stronger than you to their grave
You think you could never become a disgrace
And end up addicted to poppy seed waste
So you'll start to inhale one afternoon
Then you'll take me in your arms very soon
And once I've entered deep in your veins
You will never be quite the same
You'll need lots of money as you've been told
For darling I'm much more expensive than gold
You'll swindle your mother without thought or fear
You'll let your child starve if it get you the gear
You'll mug and you'll steal fro my venemous charm
And feel true contentment when I'm in your arms

The day when you know the monster you've grown
You'll silently promise to leave me alone
You think you've got the mystical knack
Well sweetie try getting me off your back
The vomit, the cramps, your guts in a knot
Your trembling nerves scream for just one more shot
Hot sweats, the cold chills, the withdrawal pains
Can only be stopped by those little grains
There's no other way, there's no need to look
For deep inside you know you are hooked
You'll give up your morals, your conscience and heart
And you will be mine until death do us part

A Pill for every ill

I saw my doctor on Monday
I really wanted to talk to him about my meds
I'm on methadone, olanzapine and mirtazapine
I take the methadone, I have no problem with that
But up until a few weeks ago I wasn't taking the olanzapine or mirtazapine
However I started taking them about a month ago because my mood was so low
Within a couple of weeks I started to feel bloated
So I looked up mirtazapine on google and was shocked with what I found
Person after person reporting unexplained weight gain since starting on this drug
I don't need to tell you how upset I was to read this
I immediately stopped taking both the olanzapine (as I know it can have the same effect) and the mirtazapine
So I questioned my doctor on Monday
He weighed me (I didn't look) and checked my weight since I had started taking it
Since I was first prescribed it in March there was no weight gain for 4 months
But then I wasn't taking it but he doesn't know that
He said it was only recently I had gained - since I really started taking it
Yes I guess I should be honest with him
He can only really help me if I tell him the truth
He spent about half an hour trying to placate me and said the weight gain could be down to any number of factors
But the thought that there is something in my body affecting my weight apart from what I eat is incredibly scary
So I'm not going to take it
No freakin' way
You can't just fatten me up like a pig and then congratulate yourself because I'm 'cured'
You can keep your mirtazapine thank you very much
And it baffles me why my doctors put me on these meds when they know the side effects could have this effect on me
Don't they know the damage it could do?
So it was either be fat and sedated or thin and lucid
I don't need to tell you which one I chose



I've been on methadone now  for almost 8 years
It's hard to believe that it's been that long
In reality a person is not really supposed to be kept on it this long
It should be a stop gap, a stepping stone between using and being completely clean
Although I've been on it this long, I've only been clean the last couple of years
I started out on 70mls and over the years worked my way down to 30mls
No mean feat
I originally went on methadone not because I wanted to get clean but because I didn't want to be sick
Methadone comes in handy if you've ran out of drugs
Yes, methadone has helped me to get clean off drugs but now I am addicted to it and I have a very real fear about coming off it
It has also destroyed my teeth as it is full of sugar




They say that methadone is harder to come off than heroin
They say it gets in to your bones
I've experienced methadone withdrawal a few times and I would have to agree that it is more difficult to detox
I've found that man made, synthetic drugs can be much trickier to come off than natural drugs
I remember Christmas a  few years ago
My family and I went away for Christmas
I was on methadone at the time but decided to treat myself for Christmas and brought heroin instead of methadone
I brought what I thought was enough for the 4 days
But I was always a greedy addict and had used all my drugs by the third day
This meant I had a full day and night with nothing
Withdrawals start out innocent enough
Your nose starts to run and you can't stop yawning
That I can handle
But as the last traces of the drug leave your body about 12 hours later, things start to get ugly

A dull ache sets in to your bones, so matter what position your in you can't get comfortable
You alternate between being freezing cold and boiling hot
I don't know which is worse
Sweat pours out of you like rain, you should really have a bath but that would mean moving
By now you have excruciating pains in your stomach
Opiates have a side effect of constipation which quickly turns to diarrhea if you haven't used in a while
Night is approaching but you can forget about sleep





Now you can look froward to a whole night of physical and mental torture
Everything hurts from your hair to your teeth
Everyone else in the world  is asleep and you feel utterly alone
It's just you and pain
Minutes feel like hours
The bed is soaked through with sweat
It feels like your body is trying to turn inside out



In a moment of complete desperation you fish the tinfoil you were smoking the drugs on out of the bin
You pray there is something left on it
You look for traces of black tar, hoping to see it bubble and smoke
There's a trace but not nearly enough to help your situation
You try to watch tv but you can't concentrate
All you can do is curl up in the foetal position under the covers and pray for this night to be over



For years I abused my methadone and other meds
It's only recently I started taking them properly
I do think that meds have a place in treating addiction and mental health illness but I don't think that we should be left on them indefinitely as I have
I think they should be used in conjunction with therapy such as CBT
For after all they don't solve the problem, they just put a band aid over the wound
We should be given better ways to cope with our problems and not given a pill for every ill

When I was in treatment I was put on a lot of meds
I remember seeing other patients queuing up to get their sleeping tablets at night
Being an addict I decided that I wanted sleeping pills too
After complaining that I couldn't sleep (big lie) I was put on zimovaine
I was on so much meds that every time I sat down I fell asleep
I was basically out of my head so of course I didn't get better, if anything I got worse



In the summer of 2004 I went to England to do a drug detox
The place was called the Stapleford Centre in London
I remember my doctor was called Dr Kindness
He prescribed me subutex, valium, clonazapine and zimovaine
Again far too much medication for someone trying to get clean
I spent that summer in a stupor
After I completed  the 'detox' I had a naltraxone implant implanted in my side
In effect it was an opiate blocker - if I used I would get nothing off it
It would last 6 months
I spent the next 6 months in treatment and was on no meds at all
I left treatment with a healthy body and mind
Completely drug free
But almost 6 months to the day I relapsed
The implant was still working but I used anyway
A kind of placebo effect
I've since heard that the Stapleford Centre was closed due to prescribing too liberally

Ironically it's the times that I've been off meds that I seem to do well
I feel clear headed and alert
Now if only my doctors would realise this

Are you on any medication?
How do you find it?

Big is beautiful?

I saw a documentary during the week called 'The big beautiful women's pageant' on BBC3
Yes I know, I always seem to be watching documentaries on BBC 3
It was part of a season of programmes about loving/hating your body
It followed 4 girls in the year running up to the pageant
The girls were all ranging in size from 18 - 30 and everything in between
One of the girls (size 18) complained that she felt too thin compared to the other girls
The girls went through training for the pageant
Things like how to walk and how to pose for photos
Each girl had their own story
Some had been battling with their weight for their whole lives
Some had recently put on a lot of weight
But the common thread was that they had accepted and embraced their bodies
They were all beautiful girls but I have to admit I found it hard to believe that anyone could accept their body at that size
But they did
They were outgoing, bubbly, cheeky and brimming with confidence
They even had a swimwear round in the competition
As I watched the programme and listened to the girls I couldn't help but be endeared by them
They were normal girls just like you and me
They had the same insecurities
There were parts of their bodies that they didn't like but overall they accepted themselves and didn't see any reason to change
One of the conditions of winning the pageant was that the girls couldn't lose a significant amount of weight for the following year
A beautiful Essex girl called Gemma won the in the end ( I was glad, I was hoping she would win)
She truly did look beautiful



As ashamed as I am to admit it, sometimes I judge people who are overweight
And especially if they are unhappy with their weight
I think to myself 'If you're not happy then do something about it!)
And of course other words come to mind when you think of  the word fat, like lazy
No one in my family is overweight so I have no experience of knowing someone who really struggles with their weight in this way
We've all seen the programmes on tv
'The 500lb man' or 'The 600lb woman'
It's like car crash television
We know we shouldn't look but we can't tear  our eyes away
I guess it's the same with someone who is emaciated
It's the extremes that fascinate us
And yes I  have judged these people
I'm disgusted by how I look therefore I feel the same way about these people
Logically and rationally I know I'm not overweight
My scale says I'm not
My clothes say I'm not
But I FEEL fat
I feel fat therefore I am fat



At my highest weight I was 130lbs at 5'5
Still in the healthy weight range for my height but in my head I was obese
I couldn't stand being in my own skin
I wanted to unzip my  skin and step out of it
I look at photos from that time and cringe
It didn't suit me
I have a small frame so any extra weight really  stands out



I went shopping yesterday to buy clothes for my trip
No mean feat trying to find summer clothes in the depths of winter
I found 3 tops I liked and took them to the changing room
As I stripped I caught sight of myself in the mirror
I felt like punching my reflection
Like screaming at the top of my lungs
Even though the clothes that I was trying on were a small size, I still saw a grossly over weight person staring back at me
I came out of the shop and unloaded on to my mother

'I'm so fat!'

'Am I really that fat?'

'Why didn't you tell me I was fat?'

She tries to placate me but it makes no difference
I know that no matter how small I am I will always see a fat girl
I'm a fat girl living in thin girls body



After watching this documentary I felt real admiration for these girls
They are bucking the trend and I love that
Every magazine, tv programme, actress, model tells us that we should be thin
That thin equals happiness and success
The thinner the better
But these girls have found that happiness does not come in a dress size
Does not depend on the number on a scale
You don't have to be skinny to be popular or loved
People who really love you will love you no matter what size you are or what you look like




So is big beautiful?
Well how can a size be beautiful?
Big isn't beautiful
Small isn't beautiful
It's the person within the body that is beautiful
Beauty radiates from within
If someone is truly beautiful it goes beyond the shell of a body
It resonates deep inside and shines out through every pore
Do you ever notice that sometimes a person can be physically beautiful but because they are a mean spirited person they begin to look ugly
Or the opposite, a person may not be typically handsome but because they are such a beautiful person it shines out of them
Why do we judge ourselves so harshly on our weight?
Why do we put so much effort in to being skinnier?
I have every weight from 77lbs to 130lbs and was equally miserable at all of them
And after all the body is just suitcase
Carrying the precious cargo that is inside
We have been conditioned and brainwashed to believe that thinner is better
Mostly by the media
That's why I love people like Adele
She has a great 'take me or leave me attitude'
I'm sure she has felt massive pressure to lose weight
To fit the mould of the perfect popstar
But her talent is so great she doesn't need to rely on her appearance
Her talent stand alone



Lady Gaga has received a lot of criticism over her recent sudden weight gain
Reports suggest that she has put on 2 stone
But I thought that she was definitely too skinny in videos like 'Born this way'
In fact I found this video very triggering to watch
But now she looks normal
She has curves and a shape
She has hit back by saying that she has 'battled anorexia and bulimia since I was 15'
And '"My boyfriend prefers me curvier. When I eat I am healthy and not so worried about my looks, I'm happy. Happier than I've ever been.



I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be in the pubic eye and have your weight scrutinised by the whole world
I know I couldn't deal with it
But I admire these women for not buckling under the pressure to conform

Now if only I could apply that in my own life............



Do you judge people who are overweight?

Weighing The Facts

I was supposed to see Mary on Wednesday but I cancelled
She gave me another appointment for today so I'm going to see her soon
The reason I cancelled was that I couldn't face being weighed
The anxiety I feel when I think about being weighed is almost too much to bear
You would think after years and years of being weighed that it would get easier
But if anything it gets harder
I would rather not know at the moment
The saying ' ignorance is bliss' has never been more appropriate
I'm not quite sure when these numbers became so important but they have
For the first few years of my illness I was oblivious to what I weighed and even if I knew it didn't bother me all that much
Maybe because I weighed so little
It wasn't until doctors and psychiatrists started weighing me that these numbers became so crucial
They seemed important to the doctors so they became important to me




In treatment they say it's not about the weight but to me it was all about the weight
Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday we would reluctantly gather on the pink chairs outside the office to be weighed
I remember one particular instance when I had been on bed rest for the past 10 days
If I didn't gain a certain amount if weight I was off the programme and going home
I entered the office hoping the nurse couldn't see that I was wearing 3 pairs of pyjamas and 2 pairs of socks
I had also downed as much water as I could stomach
I didn't want to go home and I needed all the help I could get
'Do you usually wear socks Ruby?'
I removed my socks cursing silently
I stepped on the scale holding my breath as if the air in my lungs would affect the number
The number was no where near enough
So I was sent home over a  couple of kilos




In treatment everything revolves around weight
It determines where you eat
If you get to go out at the weekend
Whether you're on bed rest or not
So I don't know how they can say it's not about the weight
Of course it's about the weight
It's all about the weight
I know they say that the scale doesn't measure the things that matter like how good a person you are
But to me the scale dictates so much
My mood
Self esteem
Self worth
And more
I hate it but it does
It is what it is
Those little numbers have the power to send me sky rocketing in to euphoria
Or spinning in to a black hole of depression
I think I will just flat refuse to be weighed today
I shall stamp my foot like a small child and say 'I won't do it, you can't make me!'






Everything is such an effort these days
It takes me a whole weekend to psych myself up to have a shower
I remember when I was on drugs I didn't shower for weeks
It isn't a priority when you're strung out on heroin
I'm not quite that bad now bit it's still a struggle
It's the cold I can't bear
And also I can't see the point
I mean it's not like I'm going anywhere or seeing anyone
Is that depression talking?
I think so!



I haven't managed to go to another meeting since the last time I went 2 weeks ago
I've used any and every excuse not to go
The truth is I just don't feel part of the 'gang'
I feel like an outsider
Like I don't fit in
Of course I haven't seen these people in a year so I suppose  it's understandable that I feel this way
I guess it's up to me to make the effort
To go to meeting
To say yes when I'm invited somewhere
But it's hard to believe that anyone could like you when you don't even like yourself
I almost become suspicious if someone wants to be my friend
I've become such a hermit
A virtual recluse
I only go out in the early morning and then hurry back to the safety of my house
Where I'm going I don't know
Recovery feels so elusive
Happiness is a dream I once had

Peace of mind is a distant memory
My head is a noisy place
Different voices fighting for control
I better go and see Mary now
She'll know what to do