Weight progress

I met a friend from treatment yesterday
I hadn't seen her in a few weeks
So I had prepared her for the fact that I had gained weight
I was nervous to meet her
Afraid of what she would think of my weigh gain
She laughed when she saw me
She said that she could see no weight gain
And I trust this girl
She wouldn't lie to me
Part of me was relieved
But another part of me was frustrated
I have re-gained weight
That is a fact
The scale doesn't lie
But everyone around me insists that they can't see it
I can
Why can't they?

My friend said that I look great
It's hard to hear that
Because that means I am getting better
That means that I am further away from my eating disorder
That is hard to take and I am not entirely sure why
You would think that I would be glad to see the back of it
But instead it makes me sad
Like I am grieving for the loss of it

I am still getting used to my new body
Thankfully I have clothes in every size under the sun so I am prepared for every eventuality
Most of my 'anorectic' clothes still fit
They just fit differently
I am so used to my clothes being baggy
I don't like it when they fit snugly
I have a favourite pair of anorectic jeans
I bought them in France
They are teeny tiny
At my lowest weight I had to hold them up with a belt
I love them because the denim is so soft
But I don't wear them anymore
They still fit
But now they hug my figure and I don't like it

I deliberately got a tan this summer
I just think that brown flabby skin looks better than white flabby skin
It's making it bearable to be this weight
Sometimes I am ok with the weight
And sometimes I just want to unzip my skin and step out of it
I feel so different
Now I feel just like any other normal girl
There is nothing different or spectacular about me
I guess that is one of the reasons I held on to my illness
Because it made me different
I liked being different
I don't like being average
I don't like being just another face in the crowd

Every day I fight the temptation to restrict
To lose weight
To fall head first down the rabbit hole
I may have another relapse in me
But I don't have another recovery
Relapse takes so much out of me
Whether it is drugs, drink or my eating disorder
It's mentally and physically exhausting
And  it's so hard to come back from that

When I was chatting to my friend the other night, I asked her of she thought she would ever use again
She said that she didn't have another relapse in her
That it would kill her
I was honest
I admitted that part of me thought I had another round of addiction in me
That I may relapse
I really shouldn't think that way because what we believe we manifest
But I have to be honest
Part of me thinks that when I parents die I will head for oblivion again
I don't want to
But I don't know if I will be able to stop myself

As for my eating disorder
I know that can sneak up on me
And I'm not aware of it until I am in it up to my neck
I need to find more reasons to recover
To live
I need to have people in my life that I want to live for
I need to have a purpose
A raison d'etre
Like armour against my demons
Does that makes sense?
I need to feel useful
I need places to go
People to see
Obligations to fulfil
I need to fill the hole that my ED and my addiction have left

For homework for my mindfulness course I have to write my ideal life story
An essay of the way I would love my life to be
I don't want much
I just want to feel peace of mind
I want to feel that I want to live
And I don't want to die
I want to feel able to live in reality
To be able to cope without resorting to drink or drugs or food
I want to love and be loved
I want to have many animals
I want to help others
I want to work at a job that I love
I want  to laugh loads
I want to feel comfortable in my own skin
To accept my body
To accept and like myself
Flaws and all
I don't want much
Just a life that I can bear
A life that I don't want to numb
A life that makes me happy

Anyway I digress
Here is my weight progress.............

March 6th 2014

May 15th 2014

June 21st 2014

Over to you......

Apologies for the over load of posts the last couple of weeks
I know I am posting every single day
Sometimes twice a day
I just have so much going on in my head at the moment
There are so many thoughts
So much white noise
And the only effective way to relieve this is to write
To get it out of my head and down on paper (or computer)
I hope you understand

So I've been thinking
This blog gets quite a lot of hits every day
Between 500 - 800 every day
And only a very small percentage of these actually leave a comment
I know quite a few of you that read and comment
But there must be so many that I don't know
You all know so much about me
I don't censor my blog in any way
I write like no one is reading
But I would like to know about you
What's your name?
Where are you from?
How long have you been reading?
How did you find this blog?

I would love to know some tid bits of information about you
Anything at all
What you look like
If you have an eating disorder or some other mental health issue
Do you have any pets?
Do you work?
What age are you?

So today I invite you to get in touch
I would really love to hear from you
Whether you have read from the start
Or if you are a new reader
Maybe you drop by from time to time
Maybe you've never commented before
Maybe you don't like me or my blog
Maybe you are going through similar things to me
Maybe you are in recovery
Maybe not
Maybe you can relate
Who ever you are
Where ever you are from
Do let me know
I am always curious as to who reads this blog
And comments truly make my day
It blows my mind that people all around the world read my words and leave messages of hope and love
I'll look forward to hearing from you
Over to you............

Comfortably numb

My friend and I went to our mindfulness course last night
It seems that everyone except me is having these profound experiences
Everyone is learning
And growing
Coming back week after week with little miracles that have happened in their life due to practising mindfulness
I feel a bit left out
Like everyone has joined this amazing spiritual club and I haven't been invited
It's not like I haven't been trying
I really have
I have been meditating
Practising love and kindness
And nothing
I don't feel any different
I still feel anxious
I still feel like a mental basket case
Why is nothing happening for me?

I was talking with my friend after the course
She seems to be getting a lot out of the course
Over the last while she has come on leaps and bounds recovery and spiritually wise
We had a really honest chat
She also has a really good sponsor
And that has helped her massively
I told her that I think my medication is a big barrier in my life
That I don't feel like I am really clean and sober
And I don't
The feeling I get off my meds, even when I take the correct, dose is the same feeling I used to get from heroin
It reminds of that sleepy, dozy feeling
With my meds I can zone out when ever I want
I can check out of reality
Opt out of life for a few hours
I suspect this is why I am not getting more out of the course

It all boils down to one thing
Do I want to be clean and sober?
Am I willing to give up all mind altering substances?
Am I willing to surrender myself to a higher power?
And turn my will over to the care of God as I understand him
I do  and I don't want to be clean and sober
Most of the time I do
But then there are times when I just want out
I want to sleep
I want to be numb
There are times when I just can't handle reality and everything that comes with it
But in the same breath I know that I can't have both
I can't have recovery and still misuse my meds
I can't have my cake and eat it

If I am honest I know that I am on too much meds
I don't need them all
If any of them
They are a nice little cushion to protect me from the big bad world

My friend is also a recovering addict and also has an ED
She told me that things only began to improve for her when she stopped running
Stopped trying to hide
When she got completely honest with herself
It's been a pattern in my life that I get on top of one addiction
And quickly replace it with another
I look at my friend and I want what she has
Peace of mind
Contentment
Her life is not perfect
But she is better equipped to deal with life
Ans she lives life on life's terms
She truly is in recovery

I know that I need to address my meds situation if I want to move on
In less than  a year I will be off methadone completely
And I need to be prepared for that
I need to have other coping methods in place
Before it's too late

We have homework this week
I have to name 5 issues in my life that I need to address
Here are mine

1. - Medication
2. - Food issues
3. - Finances
4. - Relationship with my nephew
5. - Independence

Then name 3 things that will happen in one year if I don't

1. - I could die
2. - I could suffer major health problems
3. - I could relapse

It really is quite scary to realise the consequences that could happen as a result of my behaviour
Even though things have improved recently
I still have an awful lot of work to do
My food is better but there are still issues that I need to address
My ED still has a certain hold over me
And so does my addiction


I was wondering about you
What are 5 issue in your life that need to be addressed?
What will happen if you don't address them?
Answers on a postcard please........

The Fat Feeling

I'm just back from seeing Mary
I was kind of dreading today's appointment as I knew I would be weighed
You would think that being weighed so much that it would get easier
But it doesn't
If anything it gets harder and harder

I walked in to her room and saw the black and white scales in the corner of the room
'Have you been weighing yourself?' She asks me
'No'
'Why not?'
'I'm afraid that I've gained a lot'
'Well let's see shall we'

I thought about just flat refusing to stand on the scale
I thought about stamping my foot like a 2 year old and saying-
'No I won't do it and you can't make me'
But instead I was a good little recovering anorectic and obediently took my jacket and shoes off
Mary tapped the scale and I waited for it to go to zero
I held my breath as if the air in my lungs would effect the number
I didn't look
I couldn't bring myself to

'How much do you think you've gained' She asks
'About 2 or 3 kilos' I replied
In actual fact I hadn't gained a thing
Go figure

This continues to baffle me
How I can be so sure
So positive that I've gained weight
So sure that I would bet my life on it
And when I stand on the scales there is no change
Why is this?
I mean I know it's part of the disorder
I know it's part and parcel of living with an eating disorder
But I fall for the fat feeling every time

My weight seems to be evening out now
It's been the same for about 3 weeks
I'm not 100% comfortable with it
But I am getting there
I'm ok with my weight staying as it is now
But any higher and I will not be happy
I can cope with this size
I can still fit in to my clothes
Albeit they are a bit tighter and that takes some getting used to
They're not too small
I was just so used to everything being baggy on me that fitted clothes now feel strange

Mary asked me if I am body checking
I suppose I am
I always zone in on the parts of my body that I don't like
My tummy
My thighs
My boobs have gotten a lot bigger since I've gained weight and that is very strange
I'm  not quite sure yet if that is a good or a bad thing

That is the cruel thing about this illness
We never get to enjoy our thinness because we never believe that we are thin enough
That seems pretty unfair to me
Anorexia is a thankless job
There is very little pay off for all the hard work that goes in to it
There's comes a point when you are putting all this energy in your ED
But you're getting very little in return
This is when I started questioning it

I told Mary that I feel like recovery is happening to me
Almost in spite of me
A lot of the time I don't feel like a willing participant
It's hard to explain but I feel like I'm not in control of what is happening
Mary said that of course I was in control
That recovery does not just happen

It was a good session with Mary
These sessions are precious now as she is leaving September 1st
I feel so lucky that I had the chance to work with her
She came in to my life exactly when I needed her
And it's so good that things are going well now
And she gets to see that

It was only 3 short months ago that I sat in her office crying my heart out because I had overdosed and wanted to do it again
That seems like a life time ago now
And I am aware that if I don't keep things together that I could be back there very easily
Being on my own the past couple of weeks has shown me that I can slip back very quickly
They say that integrity is doing the right thing even when no one is watching
I haven't had much integrity recently
When I am left to my own devices I press the big self destruct button
I can't help myself

Exhibit A: I am not supposed to smoke in the living room which is a reasonable request
However this week, because there is no one else here, I have been smoking in there
And now I feel really crappy for doing this

Exhibit B: The never ending medication saga
Again because there was no one else here I misused my meds
And again I feel really guilty for doing so

I guess that's a good thing that I feel bad about it
I guess that means that I have a conscience
I want to be a good person
I want to do the right thing
But I tend to sabotage things for myself
Why?
God only knows

Now I have to tackle food again
I am not eating meals at all
I am just snacking all the time
A biscuit here
A cracker there
There is no routine
No consistency
I'm not really enjoying food at the moment
And I want to
Food is meant to be enjoyed

With all this said, I was wondering about you
Do you experience the fat feeling?
How do you deal with it?
Do you think that body checking is a help or a hindrance?

Home Alone

I've been on my own this week
My Mum works away during the week and my Dad usually comes to stay for a couple of nights but he is also working these days so it is just me and Honey and Lea
My parents are separated
They actually swap houses during the week
Because my mother works in the town that we used to live in
It's sounds complicated and a bit strange
But if it aint broke......

Anyway
I've been on my own for the past couple of weeks
I've been trying hard to be responsible
To keep the house clean
To keep the dogs fed, walked and watered
To go to bed at a reasonable time
And get up at a sensible time (The last few weeks I have been getting up at 5am)
In other words I've been trying hard to be a normal human being
This is harder for me than you would think

Feeding myself is not going too well
I have been living off salt and vinegar crisps and not much else
I keep forgetting to buy milk so am trying to ration out the last little bit I have

When my Mum is here, the house runs like clock work
There is order
A routine
There is an adult presence
When she is not here I feel like a teenager whose been left home alone
Standards fall
And there is a general feeling of chaos

I'm trying to keep the dogs routine going
To put them to bed at night
And not wake them up until about 7
I'm also trying to take my meds properly
This is not going too well either
Yesterday I took a double dose of everything
I feel asleep on the couch last night and woke up at 5 30
It took me a while to work out if it was 5 30am or 5 30pm
Then I worked out it was morning
The dogs were completely confused because they had not been put to bed
I felt like shit because I felt exactly the way I used to the day after using
That horrible come down
How ever I got on with my day and tried to keep the dogs to their routine

Last night I was pulling down the blind in the living room
I was pulling the string to lower the blind and I must have been pulling too hard as the whole thing came off in my hands
I then tried to roll up the blind manually and the whole bloody blind came off the wall and landed on top of me
I swear everything I touch I manage to break
I am a walking disaster
So I had to ring someone to come and fix it tomorrow

It just goes to show that when I am left to my own devices I make a complete mess of things
I feel like I can't cope with general responsibility
It's like I've never grown up
I am an eternal teenager

I will try again tomorrow to be a responsible person
I will make sure that me and the dogs are put to bed
I will get up at a reasonable hour
I won't do what I did yesterday and lie out in the sun without sun screen
I will lather myself in sun block like a responsible person

I will buy milk and bread and make sure that there is more food than crisps in the house
I will go to my meeting
I will go to see Mary
I will go to my course tomorrow night
I will have a shower and make sure I am squeaky clean
I will make sure that the house is spick and span
I can do this
I can be a responsible adult
I can be productive
Come on Ruby, you can do this!!

By the numbers

32: Years old

94/54: Blood pressure

2: Cups of tea this morning

?: Weight

24: Mls of methadone

12.5: Mgs of olanzapine

45: Mgs of mirtazapine

40: Mgs of prozac

17: BMI

2: Number of appointments I have today

60: Number of minutes I walked my dogs

2: Dogs I have

3: Number of cigarettes I've smoked today

12.32: Price of my groceries today

0: Number of times I've purged today

6: Clothes size

5: Shoe size

What are your numbers for today?

A day in the life of Lea the golden retriever

Hi I'm Lea
I'm 9 years old and I live in Ireland
I live with Ruby, her mum and Honey
Honey is like my sister
Even though I am bigger than her, I am in fact younger than her

I usually wake up at about 7
I look over at Honey and she is still fast asleep
She loves her bed
She spends most of her time there
I wait patiently for Ruby to come and let me out
I know she'll be here soon
I don't bark
I am very patient

Eventually I hear Ruby coming up the hall
She opens the door and I run out to greet her
She spends a few minutes rubbing me and Honey
Then I head out to the garden
I stretch and yawn and walk around checking that everything is as it should be
Honey goes over to the wall and barks at the dog next door
They do this every day
Bark and growl at each other
They are so silly
I go around to the front garden and have a nice long pee
Then I head around to see if Ruby is ready to go for a walk

She's not ready yet
I dance around her feet to remind her that I really want to go
She lets me in to the car to wait
I love going in the car
When Ruby first got me I hated the car
It made me feel so sick
But now I love it
I love heading of with Honey and Ruby
We have great fun

Finally Ruby is ready
I hear the jingle of the car keys and I know it's time to go
As we drive Ruby talks to us
I don't know what she is saying most of the time but it sounds nice
I only know a few words
I know my name
I know car
Dinner
Walk
Chewy
All the important words

We arrive at the beach and I am so excited
Ruby opens the car door and I bound out
The beach is one of my favourite places to go for a walk
We walk down the long path and over to the sand
I run around and roll on my back
Pure joy
I also go for a swim
I go for a swim every day
Sometimes Ruby throws a stick for me
I really enjoy that game

After a nice long walk we head back to the car
Honey and I sit in the back seat
Although Honey always manages to take up most of the room
I don't mind though
It's easier to let her have her way
Honey thinks she is the boss
But she forgets that I am much bigger and stronger than her
I let her think she's the boss
But she's not really

When we arrive home Ruby gives Honey and I a big juicy bone

I bring mine around to the front garden and sit and gnaw it for ages

I just love bones

Honey always burys hers in her bed

She's so silly

Soon it's dinner time

One of my favourite times of the day

I sit at the back step and watch Ruby prepare the food

Yummy nuts

Dog food

Tuna and ham

 I gobble mine down quickly

Honey always comes over to my dish when I am finished

She is so greedy

I love living here

Ruby brought me her when I was 5 months old

I was living with my mother and my brothers

We were kept in a big cage

I was the runt of the litter

I remember the day Ruby came to pick me up

I was so scared

I didn't want to leave my family and I didn't know where I was going

When I got to Ruby's house I hid under the bushes for a full day

I didn't know where I was and I missed my family so much

But Ruby and her family were so nice to me

Even Honey was nice to me

It took me a while but eventually I settled in

I'm quite a nervous dog by nature but as time has gone on I've become more and more confident

I'm glad that I live here now

I have a lovely big garden

I go for walks every day

And Honey and Ruby and her Mum are my new family now

I spend the rest of the day mooching around the garden or sleeping on the back step

It's summer now so Honey and I can lie out until late

Sometimes Ruby's nephew comes down

I love playing with him

Soon it is night time and it's time for bed

I lie on the mat in the kitchen until Ruby puts me in to bed

It's been a long day and I am tired

I better get a good nights sleep because tomorrow we do it all again

Lots of love

Lea x