I saw my doctor yesterday
I told him that I had been to the dentist and he said that I need a lot of work done
Namely 6 crowns on my front teeth
Costing to the tune of 3600 euro
My doctor looked at my teeth and agreed that I did in fact need crowns
Now I just have to find the money
It would be so great to get my teeth done
A real confidence boost
They really are in a bad state
And I'm so self conscious about them
Years of drug abuse and bulimia have really taken their toll on my poor teeth
Then my doctor asked 'Are we reducing the methadone today?'
'I don't know' I replied innocently
He checked his computer and saw that it was 6 weeks since the last reduction
I resisted the urge to put up a fight
So it was dropped to 22ml
That is leaving me very little wiggle room
I need to start taking it properly before the shit hits the fan
And it will hit
Oh yes it will
When I was leaving my doctor said to me 'By the Ruby, you look well'
Ah the dreaded compliment again
'I'm getting that a lot lately' I said
'I'm trying to take it in the spirit in which it's intended'
'That's great' he said
I told him how things had improved a lot recently
I told him that I didn't want to die any more
He looked at me funny when I said that
Then I remembered that I can say things like that in front of Mary and she understands
Maybe I shouldn't say such things in front of him
I left the doctor and collected my meds
I went to a nearby hotel to take them in the bathroom
I took the correct dose as I had a course to go to in a couple of hours
I went and met my Mum and the dogs and went for a walk on the beach
As part of occupational therapy I am doing a women's nutrition course
Part of it is cooking but I didn't realise I'd be cooking yesterday
I arrived at the place to see a table of ingredients
I began to get mildly anxious
As well as the OT there were two other women there who I didn't know
So we began to cook
Chicken with veg and pasta
The OT said we didn't have to eat if we didn't want to
I was still undecided
The cooking was fine
I took part
The atmosphere was relaxed
I felt ok
I managed to chat with the others and pretend that I was a normal human being
Then the food was ready
I decided to eat but gave myself a very small portion
I left most of the pasta but ate the chicken and veg
The OT asked us if there was anything that we would like to cover next week
I decided I would bite the bullet and ask some questions
I began by saying that I had gained weight recently
Before I could say anything else one of the women began to laugh and guffaw
As if to say 'Yea right'
I was really taken aback
The OT said 'Let Ruby finish' (She knows my history)
Even though I felt like walking out, I continued
I said that I would like to know how to maintain a healthy weight
'That is sickening' said the woman
In other words that is not a problem
I was pretty blown away
How dare she pass comment on my issues
In fairness the OT handled the situation very well
'Ruby has been on a bit of a roller coaster in that area' she said
Even though I was not 100% comfortable
I felt that I had to explain myself
That in fact keeping weight on is a problem for me
I explained to the rude woman that I had anorexia/bulimia and had in fact recently gained weight and wanted to keep it on and needed help in that area
'Oh' she said
That shut her up
The OT asked the woman if she understood where I was coming from
She said she did
She said that she herself was struggling to lose weight
I guess it's all relative
Despite these comments I enjoyed the class
I even brought some pasta home for my Mum
But I have to admit that I did purge when I got home
Even though things have improved I'm afraid that the purging is still there
Unfortunately
It's not half as bad as it was though
It is now the exception rather than the rule
Baby steps all the way
In other news my sister comes home from Australia in exactly two weeks (Hey sista!)
I am super excited to have her home
In fact I can't wait
Let the good times roll.........
Tuesday, 24 June 2014
Monday, 23 June 2014
Just in the nick of time
Yesterday a neighbour called over to our house
He was carrying a little bottle
He explained that it was holy water that he and his wife had brought back from Lourdes
'It's for you' he said
I was a bit taken a back
Why would I need holy water?
I am not in the slightest bit religious
Then I remembered that this was the same man that sent me a mass card when I was in hospital and had the whole parish praying for me
Now it made sense
He is offering me holy water because I am 'sick'
I thanked him politely
'How are you?' he asked
This is the discreet way of asking me do I still starve myself
'I'm really well, thank you' I replied
'You know you really have improved a lot' he said
Translation: You have a bit of meat on your bones now
I smiled and pretended that I didn't want to strangle him
That's me being a smart arse
It was actually really thoughtful of him to drop the holy water off
Off he went and I went inside to douse myself in the stuff (Me being a smart arse again)
So I've been getting a lot of these sort of comments recently
'You look really well'
'You look so healthy'
'Have you been away? You have a great colour'
'You have a glow about you'
Your eyes look brighter'
'You look an awful lot better'
'You seem to be in such better form'
And so on and so on
Rewind 6 months and if someone had said anything like this to me I would have smiled on the outside
But really I wanted to land my fist in their forehead
Any comment about my appearance and I just couldn't handle it
Any positive comment about my improved appearance and I immediately thought that I had gained weight
I couldn't stand the comments
And I couldn't stand myself
I remember when I was in hospital last year
One of the nurses who had seen me a few years ago in a previous admission and an incredibly low weight, commented that I looked really well
I just wanted to sign myself out there and then
If I looked well I wasn't sick
If I wasn't sick why was I in hospital?
There must be nothing wrong with me
I am an anorectic imposter
That is the way my thinking went
But as I have been getting more and more of these comments
I realise that people genuinely want to give a compliment
They want to acknowledge that I am in a better place
I can see now that back then, even though my weight had improved, my thinking hadn't
I didn't look anorexic
But I felt it
And so all these people presuming that because I looked better, I must be better, drove me bananas
The difference this time is that something in my head has shifted
My thinking
My beliefs
My thoughts
My perception of myself
8 months ago the slightest little thing triggered me
I couldn't look at a skinny girl without vowing never to eat again
I could read someone's weight without immediately comparing it to my own
Thinking about recovery made me feel guilty
I felt like if I recovered then I was a failed anorectic
But something, and I'm not entirely sure what it is, has changed
I feel different and I can't quite put my finger on what it is
It has been a gradual process
And it's an ongoing process
I am right at the start of my recovery
My body is still in the process of recovery
It will probably take months or years to recover
It could take a life time for my mind to recover
If it recovers at all
I know a huge change has been my mood
Praise the Lord my mood has lifted
I was in such a dark dark place for the longest time
A place where death seems like a good option
Where sleep is the only escape
Where nothing matters
Where you can't find anything to give a fuck about
Where time stands still
Where you spend your days marching from the kitchen to the bathroom
Where life seems like a prison sentence
You know what I'm talking about
Soon after I started taking Prozac things began to change
It was like the fog in my mind cleared and I could see for the first time in a long time
The monkey on my back let go
But it wasn't just the Prozac
I started to see my friends again
I went to meetings
I started to write and write and write
I felt like I had woken up from a deep slumber
Like I was alive again
It's like now I am seeing life through a different lens
A more positive lens
Now I see the good before I see the bad
I see the light instead of the dark
And I can't begin to tell you what a relief that is
I really believed that I was a lost cause
That there was no hope for people like me
But I am here to tell you that there is
There is always hope
Always
My old sponsor used to say to me
'Don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle'
I used to wonder what the heck she was talking about
Now I know
Now I understand
My miracle is happening
And just in the nick of time
He was carrying a little bottle
He explained that it was holy water that he and his wife had brought back from Lourdes
'It's for you' he said
I was a bit taken a back
Why would I need holy water?
I am not in the slightest bit religious
Then I remembered that this was the same man that sent me a mass card when I was in hospital and had the whole parish praying for me
Now it made sense
He is offering me holy water because I am 'sick'
I thanked him politely
'How are you?' he asked
This is the discreet way of asking me do I still starve myself
'I'm really well, thank you' I replied
'You know you really have improved a lot' he said
Translation: You have a bit of meat on your bones now
I smiled and pretended that I didn't want to strangle him
That's me being a smart arse
It was actually really thoughtful of him to drop the holy water off
Off he went and I went inside to douse myself in the stuff (Me being a smart arse again)
So I've been getting a lot of these sort of comments recently
'You look really well'
'You look so healthy'
'Have you been away? You have a great colour'
'You have a glow about you'
Your eyes look brighter'
'You look an awful lot better'
'You seem to be in such better form'
And so on and so on
Rewind 6 months and if someone had said anything like this to me I would have smiled on the outside
But really I wanted to land my fist in their forehead
Any comment about my appearance and I just couldn't handle it
Any positive comment about my improved appearance and I immediately thought that I had gained weight
I couldn't stand the comments
And I couldn't stand myself
I remember when I was in hospital last year
One of the nurses who had seen me a few years ago in a previous admission and an incredibly low weight, commented that I looked really well
I just wanted to sign myself out there and then
If I looked well I wasn't sick
If I wasn't sick why was I in hospital?
There must be nothing wrong with me
I am an anorectic imposter
That is the way my thinking went
But as I have been getting more and more of these comments
I realise that people genuinely want to give a compliment
They want to acknowledge that I am in a better place
I can see now that back then, even though my weight had improved, my thinking hadn't
I didn't look anorexic
But I felt it
And so all these people presuming that because I looked better, I must be better, drove me bananas
The difference this time is that something in my head has shifted
My thinking
My beliefs
My thoughts
My perception of myself
8 months ago the slightest little thing triggered me
I couldn't look at a skinny girl without vowing never to eat again
I could read someone's weight without immediately comparing it to my own
Thinking about recovery made me feel guilty
I felt like if I recovered then I was a failed anorectic
But something, and I'm not entirely sure what it is, has changed
I feel different and I can't quite put my finger on what it is
It has been a gradual process
And it's an ongoing process
I am right at the start of my recovery
My body is still in the process of recovery
It will probably take months or years to recover
It could take a life time for my mind to recover
If it recovers at all
I know a huge change has been my mood
Praise the Lord my mood has lifted
I was in such a dark dark place for the longest time
A place where death seems like a good option
Where sleep is the only escape
Where nothing matters
Where you can't find anything to give a fuck about
Where time stands still
Where you spend your days marching from the kitchen to the bathroom
Where life seems like a prison sentence
You know what I'm talking about
Soon after I started taking Prozac things began to change
It was like the fog in my mind cleared and I could see for the first time in a long time
The monkey on my back let go
But it wasn't just the Prozac
I started to see my friends again
I went to meetings
I started to write and write and write
I felt like I had woken up from a deep slumber
Like I was alive again
It's like now I am seeing life through a different lens
A more positive lens
Now I see the good before I see the bad
I see the light instead of the dark
And I can't begin to tell you what a relief that is
I really believed that I was a lost cause
That there was no hope for people like me
But I am here to tell you that there is
There is always hope
Always
My old sponsor used to say to me
'Don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle'
I used to wonder what the heck she was talking about
Now I know
Now I understand
My miracle is happening
And just in the nick of time
Sunday, 22 June 2014
Your story
I've been thinking about setting up a page for readers stories
A place where you can share your own story of your eating disorder or addiction or mental health issues
Or your life story
A place where you can be heard
Where others can read and relate and realise that they are not alone
Like a meeting point where we can gather and support each other
Is this something you would be interested in?
Would you submit a story?
Would you like to read stories of others in similar situations?
Please do let me know what you think
Or if you have any similar ideas
I just really feel the need to take action at the moment
You know?
A place where you can share your own story of your eating disorder or addiction or mental health issues
Or your life story
A place where you can be heard
Where others can read and relate and realise that they are not alone
Like a meeting point where we can gather and support each other
Is this something you would be interested in?
Would you submit a story?
Would you like to read stories of others in similar situations?
Please do let me know what you think
Or if you have any similar ideas
I just really feel the need to take action at the moment
You know?
Honey's new bestfriend
My good friend and her daughter called out to see me yesterday
It was lovely
I don't get many visitors here so it was so nice to have them
My friends daughter really wanted to see Honey and Lea
Honey took an immediate shine to her
She followed her around and kept licking her face
It was so cute
They are now firm friends
Lea was a a different story
She became quite territorial and I was quite nervous of her around my friends daughter
Lea had a ball and got very annoyed when we tried to take it off her
She even had a go at Honey
And in the end I had to put her in the car to calm down a bit
I'm not sure why Lea was like this
Usually she is so gentle and kind
But because she is so big I had to be careful
In the end we had a lovely time
Here are some photos......
It was lovely
I don't get many visitors here so it was so nice to have them
My friends daughter really wanted to see Honey and Lea
Honey took an immediate shine to her
She followed her around and kept licking her face
It was so cute
They are now firm friends
Lea was a a different story
She became quite territorial and I was quite nervous of her around my friends daughter
Lea had a ball and got very annoyed when we tried to take it off her
She even had a go at Honey
And in the end I had to put her in the car to calm down a bit
I'm not sure why Lea was like this
Usually she is so gentle and kind
But because she is so big I had to be careful
In the end we had a lovely time
Here are some photos......
Saturday, 21 June 2014
Weight progress
I hadn't seen her in a few weeks
So I had prepared her for the fact that I had gained weight
I was nervous to meet her
Afraid of what she would think of my weigh gain
She laughed when she saw me
She said that she could see no weight gain
And I trust this girl
She wouldn't lie to me
Part of me was relieved
But another part of me was frustrated
I have re-gained weight
That is a fact
The scale doesn't lie
But everyone around me insists that they can't see it
I can
Why can't they?
My friend said that I look great
It's hard to hear that
Because that means I am getting better
That means that I am further away from my eating disorder
That is hard to take and I am not entirely sure why
You would think that I would be glad to see the back of it
But instead it makes me sad
Like I am grieving for the loss of it
I am still getting used to my new body
Thankfully I have clothes in every size under the sun so I am prepared for every eventuality
Most of my 'anorectic' clothes still fit
They just fit differently
I am so used to my clothes being baggy
I don't like it when they fit snugly
I have a favourite pair of anorectic jeans
I bought them in France
They are teeny tiny
At my lowest weight I had to hold them up with a belt
I love them because the denim is so soft
But I don't wear them anymore
They still fit
But now they hug my figure and I don't like it
I deliberately got a tan this summer
I just think that brown flabby skin looks better than white flabby skin
It's making it bearable to be this weight
Sometimes I am ok with the weight
And sometimes I just want to unzip my skin and step out of it
I feel so different
Now I feel just like any other normal girl
There is nothing different or spectacular about me
I guess that is one of the reasons I held on to my illness
Because it made me different
I liked being different
I don't like being average
I don't like being just another face in the crowd
Every day I fight the temptation to restrict
To lose weight
To fall head first down the rabbit hole
I may have another relapse in me
But I don't have another recovery
Relapse takes so much out of me
Whether it is drugs, drink or my eating disorder
It's mentally and physically exhausting
And it's so hard to come back from that
When I was chatting to my friend the other night, I asked her of she thought she would ever use again
She said that she didn't have another relapse in her
That it would kill her
I was honest
I admitted that part of me thought I had another round of addiction in me
That I may relapse
I really shouldn't think that way because what we believe we manifest
But I have to be honest
Part of me thinks that when I parents die I will head for oblivion again
I don't want to
But I don't know if I will be able to stop myself
As for my eating disorder
I know that can sneak up on me
And I'm not aware of it until I am in it up to my neck
I need to find more reasons to recover
To live
I need to have people in my life that I want to live for
I need to have a purpose
A raison d'etre
Like armour against my demons
Does that makes sense?
I need to feel useful
I need places to go
People to see
Obligations to fulfil
I need to fill the hole that my ED and my addiction have left
For homework for my mindfulness course I have to write my ideal life story
An essay of the way I would love my life to be
I don't want much
I just want to feel peace of mind
I want to feel that I want to live
And I don't want to die
I want to feel able to live in reality
To be able to cope without resorting to drink or drugs or food
I want to love and be loved
I want to have many animals
I want to help others
I want to work at a job that I love
I want to laugh loads
I want to feel comfortable in my own skin
To accept my body
To accept and like myself
Flaws and all
I don't want much
Just a life that I can bear
A life that I don't want to numb
A life that makes me happy
Anyway I digress
Here is my weight progress.............
 |
| March 6th 2014 |
 |
| May 15th 2014 |
 |
| June 21st 2014 |
Friday, 20 June 2014
Over to you......
Apologies for the over load of posts the last couple of weeks
I know I am posting every single day
Sometimes twice a day
I just have so much going on in my head at the moment
There are so many thoughts
So much white noise
And the only effective way to relieve this is to write
To get it out of my head and down on paper (or computer)
I hope you understand
So I've been thinking
This blog gets quite a lot of hits every day
Between 500 - 800 every day
And only a very small percentage of these actually leave a comment
I know quite a few of you that read and comment
But there must be so many that I don't know
You all know so much about me
I don't censor my blog in any way
I write like no one is reading
But I would like to know about you
What's your name?
Where are you from?
How long have you been reading?
How did you find this blog?
I would love to know some tid bits of information about you
Anything at all
What you look like
If you have an eating disorder or some other mental health issue
Do you have any pets?
Do you work?
What age are you?
So today I invite you to get in touch
I would really love to hear from you
Whether you have read from the start
Or if you are a new reader
Maybe you drop by from time to time
Maybe you've never commented before
Maybe you don't like me or my blog
Maybe you are going through similar things to me
Maybe you are in recovery
Maybe not
Maybe you can relate
Who ever you are
Where ever you are from
Do let me know
I am always curious as to who reads this blog
And comments truly make my day
It blows my mind that people all around the world read my words and leave messages of hope and love
I'll look forward to hearing from you
Over to you............
I know I am posting every single day
Sometimes twice a day
I just have so much going on in my head at the moment
There are so many thoughts
So much white noise
And the only effective way to relieve this is to write
To get it out of my head and down on paper (or computer)
I hope you understand
So I've been thinking
This blog gets quite a lot of hits every day
Between 500 - 800 every day
And only a very small percentage of these actually leave a comment
I know quite a few of you that read and comment
But there must be so many that I don't know
You all know so much about me
I don't censor my blog in any way
I write like no one is reading
But I would like to know about you
What's your name?
Where are you from?
How long have you been reading?
How did you find this blog?
I would love to know some tid bits of information about you
Anything at all
What you look like
If you have an eating disorder or some other mental health issue
Do you have any pets?
Do you work?
What age are you?
So today I invite you to get in touch
I would really love to hear from you
Whether you have read from the start
Or if you are a new reader
Maybe you drop by from time to time
Maybe you've never commented before
Maybe you don't like me or my blog
Maybe you are going through similar things to me
Maybe you are in recovery
Maybe not
Maybe you can relate
Who ever you are
Where ever you are from
Do let me know
I am always curious as to who reads this blog
And comments truly make my day
It blows my mind that people all around the world read my words and leave messages of hope and love
I'll look forward to hearing from you
Over to you............
Comfortably numb
My friend and I went to our mindfulness course last night
It seems that everyone except me is having these profound experiences
Everyone is learning
And growing
Coming back week after week with little miracles that have happened in their life due to practising mindfulness
I feel a bit left out
Like everyone has joined this amazing spiritual club and I haven't been invited
It's not like I haven't been trying
I really have
I have been meditating
Practising love and kindness
And nothing
I don't feel any different
I still feel anxious
I still feel like a mental basket case
Why is nothing happening for me?
I was talking with my friend after the course
She seems to be getting a lot out of the course
Over the last while she has come on leaps and bounds recovery and spiritually wise
We had a really honest chat
She also has a really good sponsor
And that has helped her massively
I told her that I think my medication is a big barrier in my life
That I don't feel like I am really clean and sober
And I don't
The feeling I get off my meds, even when I take the correct, dose is the same feeling I used to get from heroin
It reminds of that sleepy, dozy feeling
With my meds I can zone out when ever I want
I can check out of reality
Opt out of life for a few hours
I suspect this is why I am not getting more out of the course
It all boils down to one thing
Do I want to be clean and sober?
Am I willing to give up all mind altering substances?
Am I willing to surrender myself to a higher power?
And turn my will over to the care of God as I understand him
I do and I don't want to be clean and sober
Most of the time I do
But then there are times when I just want out
I want to sleep
I want to be numb
There are times when I just can't handle reality and everything that comes with it
But in the same breath I know that I can't have both
I can't have recovery and still misuse my meds
I can't have my cake and eat it
If I am honest I know that I am on too much meds
I don't need them all
If any of them
They are a nice little cushion to protect me from the big bad world
My friend is also a recovering addict and also has an ED
She told me that things only began to improve for her when she stopped running
Stopped trying to hide
When she got completely honest with herself
It's been a pattern in my life that I get on top of one addiction
And quickly replace it with another
I look at my friend and I want what she has
Peace of mind
Contentment
Her life is not perfect
But she is better equipped to deal with life
Ans she lives life on life's terms
She truly is in recovery
I know that I need to address my meds situation if I want to move on
In less than a year I will be off methadone completely
And I need to be prepared for that
I need to have other coping methods in place
Before it's too late
We have homework this week
I have to name 5 issues in my life that I need to address
Here are mine
1. - Medication
2. - Food issues
3. - Finances
4. - Relationship with my nephew
5. - Independence
Then name 3 things that will happen in one year if I don't
1. - I could die
2. - I could suffer major health problems
3. - I could relapse
It really is quite scary to realise the consequences that could happen as a result of my behaviour
Even though things have improved recently
I still have an awful lot of work to do
My food is better but there are still issues that I need to address
My ED still has a certain hold over me
And so does my addiction
I was wondering about you
What are 5 issue in your life that need to be addressed?
What will happen if you don't address them?
Answers on a postcard please........
It seems that everyone except me is having these profound experiences
Everyone is learning
And growing
Coming back week after week with little miracles that have happened in their life due to practising mindfulness
I feel a bit left out
Like everyone has joined this amazing spiritual club and I haven't been invited
It's not like I haven't been trying
I really have
I have been meditating
Practising love and kindness
And nothing
I don't feel any different
I still feel anxious
I still feel like a mental basket case
Why is nothing happening for me?
I was talking with my friend after the course
She seems to be getting a lot out of the course
Over the last while she has come on leaps and bounds recovery and spiritually wise
We had a really honest chat
She also has a really good sponsor
And that has helped her massively
I told her that I think my medication is a big barrier in my life
That I don't feel like I am really clean and sober
And I don't
The feeling I get off my meds, even when I take the correct, dose is the same feeling I used to get from heroin
It reminds of that sleepy, dozy feeling
With my meds I can zone out when ever I want
I can check out of reality
Opt out of life for a few hours
I suspect this is why I am not getting more out of the course
It all boils down to one thing
Do I want to be clean and sober?
Am I willing to give up all mind altering substances?
Am I willing to surrender myself to a higher power?
And turn my will over to the care of God as I understand him
I do and I don't want to be clean and sober
Most of the time I do
But then there are times when I just want out
I want to sleep
I want to be numb
There are times when I just can't handle reality and everything that comes with it
But in the same breath I know that I can't have both
I can't have recovery and still misuse my meds
I can't have my cake and eat it
If I am honest I know that I am on too much meds
I don't need them all
If any of them
They are a nice little cushion to protect me from the big bad world
My friend is also a recovering addict and also has an ED
She told me that things only began to improve for her when she stopped running
Stopped trying to hide
When she got completely honest with herself
It's been a pattern in my life that I get on top of one addiction
And quickly replace it with another
I look at my friend and I want what she has
Peace of mind
Contentment
Her life is not perfect
But she is better equipped to deal with life
Ans she lives life on life's terms
She truly is in recovery
I know that I need to address my meds situation if I want to move on
In less than a year I will be off methadone completely
And I need to be prepared for that
I need to have other coping methods in place
Before it's too late
We have homework this week
I have to name 5 issues in my life that I need to address
Here are mine
1. - Medication
2. - Food issues
3. - Finances
4. - Relationship with my nephew
5. - Independence
Then name 3 things that will happen in one year if I don't
1. - I could die
2. - I could suffer major health problems
3. - I could relapse
It really is quite scary to realise the consequences that could happen as a result of my behaviour
Even though things have improved recently
I still have an awful lot of work to do
My food is better but there are still issues that I need to address
My ED still has a certain hold over me
And so does my addiction
I was wondering about you
What are 5 issue in your life that need to be addressed?
What will happen if you don't address them?
Answers on a postcard please........
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)