Home tomorrow

I'm heading home tomorrow
After an enjoyable and eventful couple of weeks
As I said before I left
I would not get around to posting much while away
As I had limited access to a computer
This also meant that I didn't get to reply to comments
Or read or comment on your blogs
I got an anonymous comment on my last post that said this

'Reply and comment more on other blogs, even non ed ones
This is not a one way thing'

Well anonymous usually I do in fact comment on other blogs
And reply to comments here on my own blog
But for the reasons just stated I have not been doing that for the last couple of weeks
How ever normal service will resume when I return home tomorrow
And I am fully aware that this is not a one way thing
And have never treated it so
But I take your point on board

I was just packing my case a few minutes ago
I would say that I only wore about one third of the clothes that I brought
Why does that always happen with packing?
I brought items of clothing that I never wear at home
Too many shoes
Too many heavy clothes even though it is summer time
And then I bought some clothes here too
So all in all
I am a packing disaster
I brought some lovely summer dresses
That never saw the light of day
Beautiful skirts that were never moved from their place at the bottom of my case
I brought so many pairs of pants and socks
That you would swear that I was away for a year
My philosophy when packing has also been
'I'll bring it just in case....'
I'll bring this faux fur coat just in case it's cold
I'll bring this dress that is too small for me just in case I lose some weight (Wishful thinking!)
I'll bring this fishing rod just in case I decide to take up fishing
I pack anything and everything
Just
In
Case

Note to self: I need to re-evaluate my packing system

If being away has taught me anything
It's that I am a home bird
I like being at home
I like coming home at the end of the day
Here is a list of things that I have missed while I was away

1. - Honey and Lea
2.- My sister
3.- Barry's tea
4.- Hunky Dory, salt and vinegar crisps
5.- My bed
6.- My onesie
7.- Walking my dogs
8.- Watching rubbish tv eg Made in Chelsea and Come Dine With Me
9.- My friends
10.- My daily nap on the couch


I promise the next post will have photos
I seem to have lost the charger for my camera battery
So I only had my camera for the first week
But I have some nice photos
I will be absent from a lot of them however
I swear my waist band is expanding every day
I have no earthly idea what I weigh
And am way too afraid to do it
When I get home
I need to start eating properly
As in not surviving solely on chocolate
When I get home
It will be fruit and vegetables all the way
I will whip up a batch of homemade soup
And freeze it so I will have it to hand when ever I need it
I will have bowls of fresh fruit and yoghurt
My fridge will burst will beautiful produce
Of every colour in the rainbow
I will be healthy
Say it with me people
I. Will. Be . Healthy!.

In other news
I am still a non smoker
Tomorrow I will be off the smokes one week
I actually can't quite believe it
I have been smoking for 20 years
Up to 30 a day
That's 100 Euro a week up in smoke
I have to admit though
I am not giving up for health reasons
I wish I cared more
But I don't
I am giving up because I just can't afford it anymore
And I want to spend my money on other things
Like coloured pens and stickers
You know
Things that really matter

So I think I will leave it there for today
I'm off to try and finish my packing
I can't wait to get home and catch up on all of your blogs
I can hardly wait to see my dogs
I bought them a collar each in York
A lovely pink one for Lea because she is a girly girl
And a black one for Honey because she is a badass
So I will post again tomorrow
And I promise there will be photos

Until then my friends........

Anybody out there?

Is it just me
Or is the blogosphere deathly quiet at the moment?
Is it because it is the summer?
And people are away?
Are people not writing?
Or reading?
Have people lost interest in this blog?
Or am I imagining it all?
Any body out there...................?

Home Stretch

My holiday in the UK is nearing it's end now
I will be home by Monday
This holiday has been very enjoyable
But also very challenging
This week in particular
On Tuesday my Mum, my Auntie and I came to visit my cousin and her baby
They live about an hour from London
I was a bit all over the place Tuesday morning
And when we were getting off the train
I suddenly realised that I had forgotten my methadone
Disaster
Cue panic
We arrived at my cousins house
But it was all I could think about
Even though we were only staying here for a few days
I still wouldn't have been able to manage without it
Withdrawal sets in about 36 hours after the last dose
And then it is a world of pain
I shit you not

We had lunch
And I tried not to think about it
But I couldn't help myself
Then I could feel the tears stinging the back of my eyes
Everyone was chatting
And suddenly I just burst out crying
I said I would have to go back and get the methadone
There was just no other way around it
My poor mother volunteered to come with me
Why is it that every time I go away
I have an issue with my methadone
When I went to Australia 2 years ago
I ran out of methadone
And had to go through hell trying to get some
And now this

My Mother and I jumped on the half four train
I was still upset
Crying and sniffling
I sat on my own staring out of the window
And feeling sorry for myself
But I felt more sorry for my mother
She inevitably gets dragged in to all my stupidity

We arrived at Waterloo an hour later
It was rush hour
So we decided to go for something to eat
I had a ham baguette
It was quite disgusting
We wandered around for a few minutes trying to find the correct tube line
Eventually we did
And braved the crowds on the Northern line
We jumped off at Warren street
And changed to the Picadilly line
And on to Seven Sisters
By the time we reached Totenham
We were pretty wrecked
And fed up to say the least

We were planning to go straight back to my cousins
But we were just too tired
We had an early night
Sleep couldn't have come soon enough

We got up early the next morning
And headed back to my cousins house
It really had to be done though
I just wouldn't have lasted the 3 days without it
That's the annoying thing about being on methadone
I have to have it every single day
Or I go in to serious withdrawal
And that is not fun let me tell you
It's physical and mental torture
A double whammy

When I spend time with my mothers family
I realise how different they are from my father's family
My father's family have the addict gene
There are 10 of them
And all of them have some sort of addiction or eating disorder or mental health issue
Chaos and disorder are common place
They are unstable
And unpredictable
Where as my mother's family are the complete opposite
They are sensible and stable
And very balanced
The aren't prone to addiction or mental health issues
The are responsible
Reliable
They couldn't be more different from my father's family

I don't fit neatly in to one or other of these families
I have a lot of my father's traits
But I also have a lot of my mother's trait
I try my best to be a normal human being
I really do
But I am not normal
I never have been
And I never will be
I have accepted that
And I am ok with that
That's why I love being around my sister so much
We are so alike
Both crazy and off the wall
It's so freeing to be around someone and totally be yourself
So I will be glad to get back to my own kind
I stand by my belief that addicts are slightly different from the general population
We think differently
We react differently
We behave differently

Here's a simple example
If I texted some one
And they didn't reply
I would automatically assume that I had done something wrong
And that's why they hadn't texted back
Whereas someone else may think rationally about it
And realise that they haven't texted back because they are busy
This is just one example
I could give you thousands

In other news
I gave up smoking on Monday
I am so determined to do it
I was smoking up to 30 a day
And it was just getting way out of hand
So I had my last cigarette on Monday morning
And that was it
I have to say that it hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be
I only really miss my morning smoke
The only annoying thing is that I am eating more as a result
But hopefully that is a temporary thing
So I am now a non smoker
I have been smoking since I was 13
20 years
I refuse to spend another penny on cigarettes
The first thing I am going to treat myself to is a pair of Winter boots
I have the ones I want picked out
And I will get them when I get home
They cost as much as I was spending on cigarettes in a week
90 Euros
That is the definition of insanity
All that money going up in smoke

Food is going ok
I'm purging an average of 1-2 times a day
I know that I need to challenge this if I am to recover properly
I know that I can't have both
I can't sit on the fence
I need to pick a side and stick to it

Sorry no photos with this post
I will post them when I get home
Although there won't be many of me because I am too grotesque at the moment
Hope you all are doing ok?

Much love x

Update!

Hi everyone
Gosh I see it's been a week since I last posted
It's so good to finally get to a computer and write
I've missed you all
But then I guess it's a good complaint to have as I have been busy
I came to London a week ago
And today I am just back from York which was amazing
I know some of you bloggers live in that area
So it was really great to see that part of the word

Anyway
How have I been dealing with food I hear you ask
Well the first few days were good
I got 4 purge free days in a row
This was mainly because I didn't have a safe place to purge
There is only one bathroom in the house I am staying in
So I really don't want to purge there (Although I did today)
Things were going well food wise
I was eating regularly
Having meals with my family
Even having breakfast
Breakfast is a friggin' revelation to me
Usually my breakfast is a cup of tea and a cigarette
But here I have been having actual food
And then I don't crave sugar
I don't crave chocolate
I feel just full enough
Why has no one told me about breakfast before?
Is it a new phenomenon? (Joke!)
How have I missed it all these years?

But over the last couple of days slowly but surely
The purging has crept in
And has made many unwelcome appearances
I have found ways and means to do it
Even in the most difficult circumstances
Once an addict
Always an addict

My sister is at home minding the dogs
She texts me every day
I miss them so much
I very nearly didn't come on this holiday
But I'm glad that I did

My Auntie was talking to me the other day
She made the point that mother has had it very hard
What with me and my two sisters problems
She said that my Mum is so giving
And so caring
That she needs to be looked after sometimes
At first when she said this
I felt really upset
As I thought she was saying that I chose my problems
And chose to be difficult
Because I really didn't
I made this point to her
She said that she knew that
After we had that chat
Her words played on my mind
My Mum really does so so much for me
In a lot of ways she is like a carer to me
She supports me financially, emotionally, physically
And I am a grown woman
She shouldn't need to do that
I think my Auntie has a point
My Mum needs someone to look after her sometimes
To fuss over her
And pamper her
I guess my Mother slips in to the role of 'carer' so naturally
That I forget that she may be having a bad day
Or be dealing with something that I have no idea of
I need to be more mindful of that

Growing up I wasn't that close to my mother
Or any of my family really
It wasn't until I began having problems that we grew close
And now she is the closest person to me
But I am the youngest of four grown children
And my mother is not getting any younger
I have really noticed it on this holiday
How tired she gets
How she can't see
And needs to sit down sometimes
She is 64
It's time that someone looked after her for a change

I am glad that my Auntie brought this matter up
Now that I am trying to get well
I can be more aware of this
And I can do something about it
My mother has been through so much over the years
There are 6 in my family
And four of us are addicts
And have some sort of mental health issue
She has had to be so strong
So understanding
So forgiving
She has taken more shit than one person could ever deserve

Well this post has taken a different turn
I was going to tell you all about my holidays
But this has turned in to a post about my mother

In other news I have spent so much money here already
I seem to have a problem in that I can't hold on to money
The second I get it in to my hand
I am handing it over to a shop keeper
I have bought some clothes
Presents for my sister and my friend
Even collars for Honey and Lea
My name is Ruby and I have a shopping addiction
No really
I do

I won't get to catch up on your blogs yet
But normal service will resume when I get home on the 18th
I hope you all are doing ok
I've been thinking of you
I'll post again as soon as I can
Until then
Take care
And stay safe

At this point I would usually shoe you photos
How ever I won't get to do that today
So I'm afraid you will have to wait a little longer

All my love,

Ruby-Tuesday x

Holidays

I'm heading to London in a few hours
I'm not bringing my laptop
But I will post when I can
My sister asked me last night if I am looking forward to going
I guess I am
How ever I am worried about my ED making unwelcome appearances
I have half a plan in place
I will be with my family
So regular meals will be eaten
I plan to eat then too
But just enough so I'm not hungry
And not too much that I feel like purging
That's about as much as I can manage

We are going to Yorkshire for a few days
So I am really looking forward to that
I refuse to let my ED ruin yet another holiday
I refuse to be held hostage by this cruel illness
I'm going to do my best to enjoy myself
To live the life I want
To not be a slave to anorexia's/bulimia's demands
Easier said than done

So I will be back soon
In the mean time
Take care of yourselves
Be kind to yourselves
Keep the faith
Keep believing and hoping



Much love,

Ruby x

Is this recovery?

The lovely A left a very thought provoking comment on my last post
Here is part of it

Because lately you do write about recovery, but I still.... wonder.... cause you never eat a normal meal. What does recovery mean then? Just a little weight gain?
And, the other side is that your body really needed the weight, you could've died. But .... all of this sometimes seems to gloss over the other sticky parts... 
And the purging 's got to stop. For your beautiful new teeth, but far more for your health. You're still at risk, when purging so often. (and yes, I do have the experience to tell you this). And because you're so aware of your changing body, you should realise this... purging (and laxatives too) are the biggest causes for a body to not know where it's at...

A makes a very good point
I claim to be in recovery
But am I really?
I have admit
That A's comment is not the first time that I have been aware of this
I wonder if I am in recovery all the time
Or am I just fooling myself?
Do I claim to be in recovery just because I have gained weight?
Because the prospect of having an anorectic mind in a healthy body is too much to bear?
Am I still an active bulimic?

Because I do purge
Every day if I am honest
I don't eat regular meals
Yes, things have vastly improved in the last few months
I was literally binging and purging all day every day
My weight was pitiful
And I thought that was just the way things were
I had no hope
No faith
No belief that things could improve
But they have
And now I am the best I have been in years
But is it enough?
Can I have more?

I had this conversation with Mary recently
I told her that I thought that this was as good as it gets for me
She told me that I could have more
That my recovery could be more fulfilling
But the truth is that I don't think that I will ever fully recover
The best I can hope for is a pro-longed remission
I've always described recovery from an eating disorder like taming a wild animal
You can train it
And manage it

You can live a relatively safe life with it

But there is always the possibility that it will bite you

I know that I have a lot of work to do

And I do appreciate A being honest with me

True friends will always tell the truth

No matter how hard it is to hear

I have only just begun my road to recovery

I know that it won't be easy

I know that slips and relapses are part and parcel of it

I will continue to fight for the life I so desperately want

I will continue to fight against this cruel illness

I won't let it beat me

I won't let it take another year, month, day of my life

I want to live the best life that I can

I was wondering about you

What does recovery mean to you?

How do you know when you are in recovery?

I'd love to know

Weight Gain In Recovery

I've been doing some reading about weight gain in recovery
As I have been feeling quite uncomfortable in my own skin lately
It seems that it takes the weight gain a while to settle down
And distribute around the body
It can go to one place eg the stomach in my case, at first
Before it evens out around the body
It also seems that the body can over shoot it's set point at first
Meaning that I may gain more than I need to
But that will also settle down
And the body will find it's own set point naturally
This eases my mind some
I am quite self conscious at the moment
It's just so noticeable that I have gained weight
And it seems people like to comment on it

I was out in my local village with my sister yesterday
I ran in to a guy that I haven't seen in a few months
He told me that I looked great
And  that I had 'filled out'
I wanted to punch him in the face
But I resisted as I am not a violent person
When I got home the same guy texted me that I look 'fantastic'
God how I wish I could see what everyone else sees
In my eyes I look so out of proportion
So top heavy
Like a big square with little arms and legs sticking out
But I have faith that my body find it's natural weight
I really do

I spoke with my sister about the weight gain
She said that if I stopped eating crisps and chocolate
That I might stop gaining weight
This is true
I do substitute crisps and chocolate for food
I need to stop doing that
I need to eat normal food
Breakfast
Lunch
And dinner
That's what normal people do right?

In other news
I am heading to London tomorrow for two weeks
So I may not get to blog as much
But I will keep you updated as much as I can
Part of me is looking forward to it
Part of me is dreading it
I thought about not going
But this is the only holiday I will get this year
So I will take it when I can

Packing has been a nightmare
I've had to resort to trying on all  my clothes to see what fits me
It just so disappointing when I try on the green jeans I bought just weeks ago
And now the zip won't do up
I didn't even get to wear them once

Oh and I got my teeth done again
I now have the ling term temporary crowns that will last about 10 months
I had another marathon session in the dentists
It really is torture
I hate it
But the final result was really worth it

Here they are in all their glory......