Progress Report

I got a letter in the mail this week
It was from the hospital I was in earlier this year
A survey to fill in now that 6 months have passed
I was surprised that it has been 6 months already
In some ways it feels like I have just left hospital
But in others it feels like forever since I left
I was in hospital twice in the last year
It didn't work
It never does
I seem to get worse in hospital
If that is possible
I become sneaky  and devious
I lie and lie
And manipulate
And deceive
Trying to stay one step ahead of the staff
Trying to find the exact moment when I can sneak to the bathroom to purge
Then lying about it
It's exhausting
Draining
It's a full time job trying to hide your ED
But was I really hiding it?
Probably not
The staff can tell by your appearance
By your blood pressure
And of course by your bloods
I was fooling no one
Least of all myself

I was discharged from hospital both times for failing to gain weight
In fact I lost weight in hospital
And continued to lose weight when I got home
Dropping to 40kilos at one point
I still thought I was fat

I was at a loss when I came home from hospital
I didn't know what to do
I had exhausted all my options
Nothing was helping
This culminated in me taking an overdose
I didn't tell anyone
It wasn't until a week later that I told Mary
Because I was afraid I was going to do it again
She took action immediately
She contacted my doctor and psychiatrist
I saw him the next day
He changed my meds
Increasing my olanzapine
And putting me on Prozac
I took it like a good little anorectic
But I had little faith that it would help at all

The next few weeks I white knuckled it
Barely hanging on
Trying to keep it together
Trying to find a reason not to disappear
The gradually I noticed that I felt a little better
I didn't feel so down
I didn't feel like I wanted off this earth
And also the binging and purging stopped
That was a minor miracle
I had been purging 10 -15 times a day
I had a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom
It was such a relief

Then I noticed that my weight was going up
At first I was terrified
I didn't want to gain
But it was happening anyway
I'm still getting used to the weight
It's taking a lot of time and a lot of patience
Now I realize that if I want to stay well
If I want peace of mind
I have to be a healthy weight
I can't have one without the other

My thinking has changed too
Because I feel a bit better about myself
I no longer need to depend on my anorectic identity
I no longer need to hold on to that girl
Because I know that I am enough just the way I am
I don't need to be underweight in order for my family to love
My family and friends will love and accept me no matter what I weigh
And no matter what I look like

The biggest difference in my frame of mind is that I no longer want to die
That's saying it bluntly
I now feel like I can handle life
And reality
I want to live
I want to experience things
I used not care whether I lived or died
It just didn't matter to me
Now it matters
It matters a lot
I have a family
Friends
2 dogs that depend on me
And would be heart broken if I died
I want to live
I. Want. To, Live

So here I am
Warts and all (And there are a lot of warts)
If you don't like me because of what I weigh
Or what I look like
Then I don't want you in my life
There is more to me than skin and flesh
I am more than a number on a scale
I am more than the size on an item of clothing
Those numbers don't define
They don't begin to explain what I am about
Or what you are about
I don't measure my worth by these numbers
I measure my worth by how I live my life
How I help others
How I contribute to my family
How I keep my dogs
How I bounce back from the hurdles in my life
How I keep fighting even though I suffer from 2 chronic illness'
How I stay positive even on the darkest day
How I smile and laugh even though I may feel I am dying inside
How I fight every single day to stay well
This is what I am made of
This is what defines me
This is what really matters

My past doesn't define me
I am changing the script of my life
I shouldn't have survived
I shouldn't be here
I died many times
But I am still here
I am alive and kicking
There must be a reason for that
Because it's not by choice
I welcomed death
I sat in it's waiting room
But each time I was turned away
Told it wasn't my time
I still had things to do
And so I will do them
Tough times don't last
Tough people do

25

I am 25 days smoke free today
I can't quite believe it
I was such a heavy smoker
And I genuinely thought that I couldn't give them up
Smoking was the first thing I did in the morning
And the last thing I did at night
I loved smoking
I enjoyed nothing more than a cup of tea and a cigarette
But over the last few months I hadn't been enjoying them as much
Mostly because they cost so much
I was spending almost 100 Euros a week on the buggers
My uncle got me two cartons of cigarettes in Turkey
It was then that I decided to give them up
I smoked my head off for two weeks solid
And got through 400 smokes in that time
That's over 30 a day
How did I even have time to smoke that many?

All the while I was mentally preparing myself to give them up
Psyching myself up
Then on the morning of Monday 11th of August
I found myself with one cigarette left
I held on to it for a couple of hours
I really wanted to relish and enjoy my very last smoke
Conditions had to be perfect
I made a cup of tea
Fetched my book
And sat on the seat outside
I lit it,
And took deep drags
I thoroughly enjoyed it
I didn't want it to end
But it did
And that was that


I didn't tell many people that I was giving up
Because I wasn't sure if I would be able to do it
Everyone told me that I had given up worse in the past
But this was different
I don't know how but it was
I decided not to use an e-cigarette
Or gum
Or patches
I just wanted to see how I would do cold turkey
I wanted to give them up when I wasn't at home
I thought it would be easier that way
As I didn't have the same habits as I did at home

Fast forward 25 days
And here I am
I am no officially a non smoker
That is so awesome!

I have to admit that one of the reasons that put me off giving up
Was the fact that I could possibly gain weight
I think I have a gained weight
But I have to weigh up which is more important
To be a skinny smoker
Or a curvy non smoker
I choose the latter
That means so much to me
That I can choose that option
It means that my ED has loosened it's grip on me
6 months ago
I would rather have died than put on weight
How things can change


As I said
I used to have a cuppa and a smoke
I did my best thinking then
And anything can be resolved over a cuppa and a smoke
Now I have had to change my routine
Now I have a cuppa on it's own
Or I might have a few squares of chocolate
And that's ok

There have been other benefits to my non smoking
I have a lot more money now
So I can give my mother some every week to contribute to bills and things
It makes me so happy that I can help out
And anyway
It's only right that I do

Also I no longer smell like an ashtray
My clothes and my breath are all crisp and fresh

I also feel like I am breathing easier
That is a huge benefit

Having said all that
Right now
Right this second
I would give my left arm for a smoke
In fact I have been dying for one all day
I was standing outside a cafe today
And there was a man smoking
I actually stood close to him so I could smell the smoke
And maybe even inhale some
I got chatting too the man
He told me that he had given up smoking before
But he went back on them when his weight reached 150kg
Talk about encouraging!

I am reluctant to give myself too much credit though
As I could go back on them at any second
I do know this
But I am doing the best I can
And that's enough for now

Call me crazy

My mother, my sister and  I  watched a drama last night
It was called Call Me Crazy
And was on Lifetime
I had seen in advertised on tv and thought it looked good
It followed the stories of 5 people whose lives have been effected by mental health issues
First we were introduced to Lucy
Lucy was a petite blonde in her thirties
She had schizophrenia
When we picked up her story
She was being admitted to hospital
And was trying to decide whether to give up studying law or not
She confessed that she heard voices
And hallucinated
She admitted that she had stopped taking her meds
Because of the side effects
She also talked about her younger sister
And how she kept her distance and hadn't been to visit her
I could really relate to that
At end of her story
She was being discharged
And going back to live with her family




Next we met mother and daughter
Amy and Megan
Megan's mother Amy suffered from bi-polar disorder



This story focused on how Amy's illness effected Megan
As she was very young
And trying to manage school and teenager-dom
As well as a mentally ill mother
We say how Amy's moods bounced up and down
From euphoria to depression
When she was high
She was manic
Talking fast
Spending money
And when she crashed
She took to her bed
Needless to say it really effected Megan
But she did her best to help her mother



Next we met Alison




She was coming home from college
And bringing her boyfriend home for the first time
When she arrived home
She realized that her sister was there too
Her sister turned out to be Lucy from the first story
Alison was really upset that she was home
We were told how when Lucy was very unwell
She tried to strangle Alison
Alison became very upset
And spoke about how her sister got all the attention
And she was kind of forgotten about
I know this can happen in families
I know my own sister (The other sister) has often mentioned that she felt that I got more attention and love than she did
I guess it does happen that the sick member of the family soaks up a lot of the families time and attention
But it was clear that Alison and Lucy loved each other
And they were trying hard to get on with each other

Next up was Eddie
Eddie was a stand up comedian
And married
We saw how when he was on stage
He was loud and brash and outspoken
But he was hiding a secret
He was battling depression
When he wasn't on stage
He was tired and listless
And spent a lot of time in bed
His wife didn't understand what was happening
And Eddie didn't tell her much
It wasn't until his wife found a suicide note and pills that she realized how bad things were
That's the thing about mental illness
You can look perfectly fine from the outside
Even though you are dying on the inside
People presume that if you look well on the outside
Then you must be fine on the inside

Last we Maggie (Played by Jennifer Hudson)



As we picked up her story
She was just back from a war zone
And was trying to adjust back to life with her father and her son
Soon after returning home
She got news that her commanding officer had been killed
But she refused to go to the funeral
We then found out that he had been sexually assaulting her
And she was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder
She was having night terrors
And one night she attacked her father
Her son called the police
And Maggie began to unravel
Her son was taken  off her
And she was living on her own in a motel
She was drinking
And generally wasn't well
Then her lawyer arrived
And it turned out to be Lucy from the first story
Lucy was very kind to Maggie
And told her her story
It gave Maggie hope
And she began to put her life back together

I thought this drama was good
Although I thought they would have included an eating disorder story
Given that it has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric illness
I thought it was interesting that they showed how family members are effected
I think it's really true that when one member of the family gets sick
The whole family gets sick
Sometimes it was hard to watch
As I could relate so much
But there was also humour
Which I thought was really good

I took a lot from this drama
Mostly that there is hope
No matter how bad things get
No matter how low you sink
No matter how dark it gets
There is always hope
I am proof of that
For the longest time I was so lost
So unwell
So low
I really thought that there was no way back
That people like me didn't make it out
But I did
I made it out
I still struggle
I still have days when I want to get in to bed and sleep forever
But I keep going
I keep putting one foot in front of the other
And move forward
I have suffered long enough
It's my time to live now

Have you seen the drama Call me crazy?
What did you think of it?

The best medicine

I've tried many things over the years to help me feel better
Cigarettes
Alcohol
Drugs
Abstinence from all drugs
Counselling
Therapy
Support groups
Alternative therapies
Medication
Exercise
Prayer
Meditation
Self help books
Treatment
Hospital
Rehab
Out patient
Reiki
Reflexology

I could go on and on and on.....

I've climbed out of hole over the last 6 months
I sank so low
That I thought there was no coming back
But I did
And I came back stronger than ever
And while all these things I've listed helped me
There are two things that helped me get through the last few months
More than anything else

1. My dogs

2. Sense of humour

I don't need to explain to you how much I love Honey and Lea
And how much they have helped me
I think you already know
They have been a constant in my life over the last 9 years
Some times they were the only sane thing in my life
(Lea must know that I am thinking about her
As she just popped her head in the window)
When I couldn't find a reason to get up in the morning
I got up for them
When I wanted to hide in my house
I got out to walk them
They take me out of myself
And remind me to be patient and kind
Their love is unconditional
And they give it in abundance

When I went in to hospital last year
Lea's fur began to fall out
Our vet could find no medical reason as to why this was happening
She was healthy in every other way
Then when I started to recover
So did Lea
And now her fur has completely grown back
I have no doubt that happened because of me
And how much my illness and recovery effected her

And laughter
Laughter truly is the best medicine
For the longest time I did not laugh
Or if I did it was a forced laugh
I had forgotten hoe good it feels to laugh
I mean really laugh
Like a hearty belly laugh
Then my sister came home from Australia in July
I hadn't realized how much I had missed her
We have the same warped sense of humour
And I have laughed more in the last two months
Than I have in the last 5 years
It's amazing to laugh
To just let go
Be myself
And to laugh with someone is even better
It's good for the soul I think

The one thing that I have retained all these years is my sense of humour
My whole family have
We have the uncanny ability to make even the most depressing subject funny
I think this is a good
Even if it is a black sense of humour
I think it's so important to be able to laugh at yourself
And not take yourself too seriously

Something really funny happened today
My sister and I brought Honey and Lea down to the beach for a walk
My sister was running
And the dogs were running after her
They were running so fast that when they reached her
They knocked her to the ground
I was in stitches laughing
It was so funny
Things like this are so important
To be able to see the humour on life is so very important I think
Because what is the alternative?

What has helped you over the years?

33

It's my birthday on Sunday
Usually I don't look forward to  my birthday
Usually it only means that I have clocked up another year in the midst of this illness
Usually it means  that I go out for meal that I don't want and don't keep down
Usually I really don't enjoy it
But this year?
This year is different
This year I am really looking forward to my birthday
I am turning 33
But really I still feel like a teenager
But that's ok
Most people I know feel younger than they are

I am going to enjoy it this year
Because I am striving for recovery
Because I am going to do what I want to do (Afternoon Tea)
With the people I want to be around
Because I feel stronger
Because I feel happier
Because now my life is getting better
Because I am getting better
Because for the first time ever, I believe that I have a future
Because I actually can't believe I made it to 33 relatively unscathed
Because my body and my mind are healthier
Because it's a reason to celebrate
Because my family and I have suffered enough
Because it will be fun
And I deserve some fun
Because it's an excuse to get dressed up and go out
Because I've never really enjoyed my birthday
Because I am worth it

Photos take 2

Ok
Let's try that again
Let me know if you can see the photos this time

As you know
I am substituting shopping for cigarettes
It's the lesser of two evils right now
It's my birthday on Sunday
So I treated myself to some new clothes
That's my story and I'm sticking to it

I kind of feel like I am unveiling a new body to you
As I haven't posted photos in a while
Go easy on me.......

Navy and cream top - Superdry
Jeans -Fat Face

Cardigan - Superdry

Navy Parka - Superdry
(Why do I always look to the right when my photo is being taken?
Inquiring minds want to know!)

Add caption

Brown boots - Blowfish

Warning!

The following comment was left on my blog yesterday
From Fat Bastardo

'You need a theme song like mine fatty'

With a link to his own theme song

At first I thought it was a joke
But I checked out this guy's blog
And the blog is offensive on so many levels
I know that he has commented on other ED blogs too
And has upset and annoyed people

Julia also left a comment to let me know that this person has been repeatedly reported to Google because of the inhumane content of his blog.
His blog was removed from the internet
But has since reappeared
So this is just a warning in case any of you get comments from this person
Please report him
And let's try and get his blog taken down for good
You are one sad individual Fat Bastardo