Tattoo or not to tattoo

I've been toying with the idea of getting a tattoo
Or a piercing in my chin
I tend to be very impulsive with these things
When I went to Australia first in 2006
We were staying Carirns for a few days
I really wanted to get my chin pierced
But my Mother and sister talked me out of it
In case anything went wrong
It could ruin the rest of my holiday

And again recently
I had a huge urge to get a piercing
So I went in to a local shop where they usually have a piercing service
Unfortunately they no longer had a piercing service
So I took it as a sign not to get pierced that day
And didn't think about it again until now

My friends recently got a beautiful flower winding around her foreman
I love it
And it gives me the itch to get one too
I myself have no tattoos at all
My ex boyfriend's older brother used to tattoo
But he wasn't a professional
He just set up shop in his bedroom
And he was a total scumbag so there was no way I was letting him near me

I know many people with tattoos
I have seen some really amazing ones
But I have also seen some unfortunate ones
So I have been hesitant to commit to one
Ironically it is my impulsiveness that has stopped me from getting tattooed
I know that I do things on a whim
And can regret them
So I have deliberately stopped myself

I've thought about getting tattooed over the years
But I could never settle on a design
Obviously I want to get something that means something to me
I want to illustrate an important time in my life
A time I want to etch that time in colour and design on my body
I love wings on shoulders
Like this




Or else I would like to get some words that mean something to me
I don't know yet
I am undecided
But I will keep you updated

I was wondering about you
Where do you stand on tattoos?
Do you love them?
Hate them?
Do you have any?
I'd love to know......

Over the years (Trigger Warning!)

I found a collection of photos on my laptop that I haven't seen in years
It seems that I used to change my hair
As often as my weight changed
So I thought I would share some with you
Most of them are not very becoming or flattering
I just wanted to take you on a little tour of my past
So here goes........

Long brown hair phase

Asleep in Croatia
Short brown hair

Croatia
Short brown hair
Highest weight ever

Long red hair
Weight - stable at healthy weight

Hair short and red
Weight - Low

Barcelona
Weight - Very low
Hair - short and red

Clothes Post # 8

Ok
I really need to reign myself in on the spending money on line front
As much as I do need new clothes
Not at the rate that I am going
My bedroom is bursting at the seams with clothes
Of every possible size and shape
My set of drawers has literally buckled this week
With the weight of all the clothes that I am trying to fit into it
So this is my last clothes post
For a while
Or at least until the January sales

By the way
I hate my face
My stomach
My thighs
I hate it all

Dark grey snood - Superdry
Black wind cheater
Grey patterend leggings - Superdry

Girls

As you know
This time last year
I was in treatment
I went in at the end of October
I came home for Christmas
And went back in early January
And as you also know
Treatment did not work for me
If anything
I got worse
So I came back home
With my tail between my legs
Broken and defeated

But it wasn't a waste of time
It never is
Even though I have never completed the programme
I have also got something out of being there
And I met the most amazing people
One of whom I meet regularly
As she lives in the next town
And others who I am in contact with too

So that brings me to today's topic
I got a text from one of these girls during the week
Asking me if I wanted to meet up before Christmas
There would be four of us in all meeting up
I thought there would be 5
But apparently she has made it clear that she doesn't want to stay in contact with anyone
Her loss

So yes
There is four of us
I guess we would just meet up for a few hours
Go for coffee
Maybe lunch
I am so looking forward to seeing the girls
But there is a part of me
That little part still governed by my eating disorder
That is telling me not to go
Because I am too fat
Because none of my friends will recognize me
Because I don't deserve to have fun

When we were in treatment
I was the thinnest out of our group
Now I am probably the biggest
That's a hard pill to swallow
And I can't lie
There is the temptation to go on a crash diet and lose 10 pounds before we meet up
But I know that is ridiculous

One of the girls who I am meeting, reads this blog sometimes
So she knows that I have gained weight
She has seen the photos
She sent me a text not to worry about having gained weight
And that she was nothing but happy for me
So that made me feel a little better

And the thing is
If I saw that the other girls had gained weight
I would be truly delighted for them
I wouldn't think less of them
Or judge them
And I know them well enough to know that they won't judge me
Whatever I look like

Being on contact with these girls
Brings back a lot of memories
These girls played an integral part in my story
I spent all day every day with these girls
Attended group with them
Ate breakfast, lunch and dinner with them
Laughed with them
Cried with them
Walked laps of the ground with them
The saw me at my very worst
And now they will get to see me at my best
And that is nothing short of a miracle

So I will go
I will go to Dublin
I will meet my friends
I will drink tea with them
Reminisce with them
Talk about the good times
And the bad times
And everything in between

Photoshopped

I'm not a big magazine reader
I tend not to be that interested in celebrities and their shenanigans
But I know there are a lot of kids out there
That read these magazines
That look up to these celebrities
And try to emulate their style
And want to use the same products
Photoshopping seems to be rampant these days
A slang term that is used to describe any image that has been digitally altered or manipulated
And boy do the magazines and ads like to use it

I guess we have all been there
Looked at a photos of a celebrity or model in a magazine
And literally wanted to be them and look like them
Their flawless and radiant skin
Perfectly coiffed hair
Endlessly long legs
Not a stretch mark or blemish in sight
It can be really depressing
And we inevitably compare ourselves
We for get that these images are photoshopped
Changed
Manipulated to within an inch of their lives

This image is pretty famous
There is just no way, no how that the proportions of this girls body can be real
Look at her legs
He waist
Her teeny tiny arms
And we are supposed to emulate this?
It's physically impossible
Both photos are of the same woman
With 50 pounds shaved off the first photo






In 1989
Oprah Winfrey graced the cover of TV Guide
This was before there was photoshop
So photos had to be manipulated the old fashioned was
Oprah's head was pasted on to Anne Margaret's body
Without either of their permission






This photo of Kate Winslet was taken in 2009
She was outraged when British GQ slimmed her down without her permission
Apart from the fact that Kate appreciates her own natural body
You can actually see her real reflection in the mirror behind her
Rookie mistake




In March 2009
A mistakenly unretouched version of this Kim Kardashian photograph appeared on the Complex magazine web site
When it was replaced by the retouched version later on
There was uproar




In 2011 Rolling Stone published this vamped up version of Katie Perry's photograph
Here they seem to have smoothed her skin
And increased her bust size
But to me this photo doesn't look a whole lot different
And I don't see why they had to photoshop it
She looks amazing before she was retouched






In 2005 Dove launched their campaign for their firming lotions
The campaign was fronted by ads with 'real' women of various sizes, shapes and ethnicities
In order to 'change the way society views beauty'
And to 'provoke discussion and debate ' about public perceptions of beauty
The campaign was sullied when a prominent photo retoucher told The New Yorker about about the challenges if doctoring the women to make them look real but no unattractive
Public outcry did much damage to the ads




These are just some of the images that have made the headlines over the years
It seems that us girls are expected to be perfect
And real bodies are not acceptable
Perfection is the goal
And it's am impossible goal

What do you think about photoshopping?

Guts over Fear

Have you heard the song Guts over Fear?
By Eminem featuring Sia?
I was blown away by it the first time I heard it
Then I checked out the video and the lyrics
They gave me goose pimples

It's a song about over coming fear
And adversity
Escaping the place that dragged you down
Succeeding in spite of your haters
Being true to yourself
Not baying to the crowd
Over coming all the hurdles that life throws at you

I can relate to this song so much
I don't know the exact ins and outs about Eminem's background
But I know he had a really difficult time with his Mother growing up
With drugs
And prescription pills
He comes across so very angry in this song
Angry about the way things turned out for him
Angry about the people he had let down
Angry at himself

I love it when I find a song that I really relate to and love
I've have been listening to this song over and over
And it just gets better and better

I guess rapping is a modern form of poetry
And Eminem does it so very well
This song is so spot on for where I am in my life right now
Facing my fears every day
And trying to overcome them
I can relate to Eminem
Recovery and relapse
Trying to pick yourself up after your life crumbles before your very eyes
He is obviously a very strong person
And one of the most successful rappers in the world
He has such a way with words
And being someone who loves words
And the power they have
This song really speaks to me
Do check it out and let me know what you think
Here are the lyrics


"Guts Over Fear"
(feat. Sia)

[Bridge — Eminem:]
Feels like a close, it's coming to
Fuck am I gonna do?
It's too late to start over
This is the only thing I, thing I know

[Verse 1 — Eminem:]
Sometimes I feel like all I ever do is
Find different ways to word the same, old song
Ever since I came along
From the day the song called "Hi! My Name Is" dropped
Started thinking my name was fault
Cause any time things went wrong
I was the one who they would blame it on
The media made me the equivalent of a modern-day Genghis Khan
Tried to argue it was only entertainment, dog
Gangsta? Naw, courageous balls
Had to change my style, they said I'm way too soft
And I sound like AZ and Nas, out came the claws
And the fangs been out since then
But up until the instant that I've went against it
It was ingrained in me that I wouldn't amount to a shitstain I thought
No wonder I had to unlearn everything my brain was taught
Do I really belong in this game? I pondered
I just wanna play my part, should I make waves or not?
So back and forth in my brain, the tug of war wages on
And I don't wanna seem ungrateful or disrespect the artform I was raised upon
But sometimes you gotta take a loss
And have people rub it in your face before you get made pissed off
And keep pluggin', it's your only outlet
And your only outfit so you know they gonna talk about it
Better find a way to counter it quick and make it, ah
Feel like I've already said this a kabillion eighty times
How many times can I say the same thing different ways that rhyme?
What I really wanna say is if there's anyone else that can relate to my story
Bet you feel the same way I felt when I was in the same place you are
When I was afraid to…

[Hook — Sia:]
I was a...
Afraid to make a single sound
Afraid I will never find a way out
Afraid I'd never be found
I don't wanna go another round
An angry man's power will shut you up
Trip wires fill this house with tip-toed love
Run out of excuses for everyone
So here I am and I will not run
Guts over fear (the time is near)
Guts over fear (I shed a tear)
For all the times I let you push me around
And let you keep me down
Now I got guts over fear, guts over fear

[Bridge — Eminem:]
Feels like a close, it's coming to
Fuck am I gonna do?
It's too late to start over
This is the only thing I, thing I know

[Verse 2 — Eminem:]
I know what it's like, I was there once, single parents
Hate your appearance, did you struggle to find your place in this world?
And the pain spawns all the anger on
But it wasn't until I put the pain in songs learned who to aim it on
That I made a spark, started to spit hard as shit
Learned how to harness it while the reins were off
And there was a lot of bizarre shit, but the crazy part
Was soon as I stopped saying "I gave a fuck"
Haters started to appreciate my art
And it just breaks my heart to look at all the pain I've caused
But what am I gonna do when the rage is gone?
And the lights go out in that trailer park?
And the window is closing and there's nowhere else that I can go with flows
And I'm frozen cause there's no more emotion for me to pull from
Just a bunch of playful songs that I made for fun
So to the break of dawn here I go recycling the same, old song
But I'd rather make "Not Afraid 2" than make another motherfucking "We Made You", uh
Now I don't wanna seem indulgent when I discuss my lows and my highs
My demise and my uprise, pray to God
I just opened enough eyes later on
Gave you the supplies and the tools to hopefully use it to make you strong
Enough to lift yourself up when you feel like I felt
Cause I can't explain to y'all how dang exhausted my legs felt
Just having to balance my dang self
When on eggshells I was made to walk
But thank you, ma, 'cause that gave me the
Strength to cause Shady-mania,
So when they empty that stadium
At least I made it out of that house and a found a place in this world when the day was done
So this is for every kid who all's they ever did was dreamt of one day just getting accepted
I represent him or her, anyone similar, you are the reason that I made this song
And everything you're scared to say don't be afraid to say no more
From this day forward, just let them a-holes talk
Take it with a grain of salt and eat their fucking faces off
The legend of the angry blonde lives on through you when I'm gone
And to think I was... gone

[Hook — Sia:]
I was a...
Afraid to make a single sound
Afraid I will never find a way o-o-out
Afraid I'd never be found
I don't wanna go another round
An angry man's power will shut you up
Trip wires fill this house with tip-toed love
Run out of excuses for everyone
So here I am and I will not run
Guts over fear (the time is near)
Guts over fear (I shed a tear)
For all the times I let you push me around
And let you keep me down
Now I got, guts over fear, guts over fear



What song that is out right now that really speaks to you?

Confessions of a shopoholic

It's Friday

I wake early

About 7am

I go through my usual routine

I let the dogs out

Make a cup of sweet tea

And switch on my computer

I check my blog  first

As I always do

When I have read and replied to comments

And read your blogs

I feel drawn to check out my favourite on line clothes site

Just for a sneaky peek

Immediately I find a pair of patterned leggings

A a really comfy looking grey snood

It's love at first sight

I feel a chemical reaction just looking at the photos of these clothes

It's meant to be

My wardrobe

No, my life

Would be complete if I just had these grey patterned leggings and grey snood

Just think of how complete my look would be with these items

Think of the confidence boost to walk down the street sporting these funky threads

Heads would turn

People would look at me in wonder

These could be the single most important clothes that I ever buy

A game changer

A life changer

There is no question about it

I have to have them
And I would never need to buy clothes again

I am a very stubborn and determined person

If I set my sights on something

Anything

I do everything in my power to get it

It's like I am blinkered

Tunnel vision

Nothing and no one will stand in my way

It's just a pity that I don't set my sights on more important things

Than a pair of leggings and a snood

I could work towards my education

I could tackle the purging that still blights my life

I could write a book

But no

Oh no

Instead

I shop

And I do it with all the determination of a heat seeking missile

I work out my budget for the week

I am on what they call 'Disability allowance' here

Which means that I am on a limited and fixed income

When I was a smoker

Half that money went on smokes

Now

Half that money goes on clothes

If I wanted

I could make that money go further

I could shop at some of the bigger chain shops

But no

This shopoholic has expensive taste

After all

You get what you pay for

The leggings are a ridiculous price

But somehow I justify it in my mind

They are an investment

They will last a life time

If I wear them enough

They will pay for them selves

And the snood?

Well a scarf is essential gear in the harsh Winter months

It;s not that I want it

I really do need it

I sign in to my shopping account

And quickly click the two items in to my basket

Then click to the payment section

A couple more swift movements

And they're bought

I get a feeling of immense satisfaction when I see 'Order complete' flash up on my screen

I sit back

And enjoy the feeling that possibly the most important clothes of my life are on the way

The time between ordering and getting my clothes is the most fun

The thought that a lovely plump parcel will soon be on my doorstep is enough to keep me eternally happy

I can liken this feeling to when I used drugs

When I had money in my hand

And I was on my way to get the drugs

The feeling of anticipation was intoxicating

The thought that happiness was in the post

On the way

That soon I would feel the warm fuzzy feeling of drugs or alcohol or a parcel being delivered

I crave it again and again

Constantly trying to recreate that feeling

It's fleeting

But addictive

I check my shopping account

My order is pending

I check it again and again

Waiting to see that is has been dispatched

Then I know that it is on the way

And I can relax 

Safe in the knowledge that my parcel of joy is on it's way

I am like a little kid at Christmas
The feeling is that good
I imagine wearing my new clothes
I just can't wait
But waiting is the best part
So I will enjoy it

The next few days drag by
So very slowly
My order has now been dispatched
That means it could be here any day now
Any day

Then on Tuesday my phone rings
It's a number I recognize
The delivery man for the clothes company
I pick it up after two rings
'Hello' I say
Try to be calm and collected
'Hi Ruby'
He knows me by name at this stage
'I have a package for you, are you at home?'
I confirm that I am
And he tells me he will be at my house in half an hour
I hang up
And jump up and down with excitement
It's just like my birthday

For the next half an hour
I sit on the couch beside the window
And wait
I am not a great waiter
I want things and I want them now
But I have no choice in the matter
I have to wait
So I do

I'm just beginning to lose the will to live
When I white van pulls in to my drive
I let out an excited noise
Put my shoes on
And rush to the front door
The driver approaches me with a bright orange package in his hands
It's all I can do not to reach out and grab it from him
'Sign here' he says
And I do
He hands me the package and heads off
I thank him
And hurry inside

I bring the parcel in to my living room
And set it on the floor
I admire it for a minute
Before I tear in to the packaging
And rip it open
The first item I come across is the snood
It's grey
And soft
The softest thing I've ever felt
I put it around my neck
And take a look in the mirror
It's just like I imagined
It's perfect

Then it's back to the package
I open the leggings
Very nice I must say
I quickly try them on
Still wearing the snood
And walk around my house trying them both out
Yes, these will so nicely

Because I am so impatient
I wear them both immediately
I go to the shops
I go swimming
I walk my dogs
All in my new clothes
It's heaven

But the thing is
The novelty of the new clothes does not last part the first time wearing them
The next day
I find myself with itchy feet again
My fingers feel twitchy
The high has worn off
I feel drawn back to the computer
Back to my favourite clothes site
I'll just have a sneaky peek..........