Monday Monday

It's Monday morning

And it couldn't have come soon enough

All day yesterday

I felt I was on the verge of withdrawal

I was yawning constantly

My eyes were streaming

Nose was running

And some time yesterday evening a dull ache set in my bones 

I can't remember the last time I had meds left on a Sunday

And Sunday is like an eternity with no meds 

The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of a fresh batch of meds in the morning 

I went to bed at one 

Read until two

Tossed and turned until three

Got up had a cup of tea and a biscuit

Read some more

And sometime in the wee hours I finally fell asleep

I awoke to a snow covered mountain

Bone chillingly cold 

Even the dogs didn't want to go outside

I made tea

And settled down to watch an episode of Frasier

For those of you that don't know

Frasier is a show that aired in the ninties 

About a psychiatrist and his family

I've watched the whole thing three times and I still find it hilarious

Then I got dressed 

Pulling on extra warm socks 

And a fleece in an effort to keep the heat in

I piled my dogs In to the car

Fetched my sister and headed off

Despite the snow

The roads weren't too bad

And I arrived on time

I sat in the waiting room

And read an article about how bloggers are taking over the world

Soon my doctor called me in

He told me to go ahead in to his room

I went in and sat in my usual seat

I looked around the room

The green feature wall

The weighing scales

Which always catches my attention

I noticed how messy his desk was

Coffee cups

Papers everywhere

I took a tissue out of a box and cleaned my nose

Soon my doctor came in

He sat down and smiled at me 

'How was your week?' He asked

'Ok' I replied 

'Did your methadone hold you?'

'Just about'

'Did you see The Boy at all?'

'Just once but didn't use' I said

He didn't drug test me

I told him it was harder to stay away fromThe  Boy than I thought

'Do you like him?' He asked

'Kind of' I said

He gave me a knowing look

As if to say 'That's looking for trouble girl'

He said last week that he was going to decease my methadone this week

I asked him if he still planned on doing that

He said he was

'Can you leave it at 26mls for another week or two?' I asked 

'No' he said flatly

'Just another week to get back on track?'

'No' he repeated pointedly 

I was quiet for a moment as he wrote my script

I was cheeky and asked him once more 

'Just one more week?' I chanced my arm

'Ok' he gave in

'One more week but don't argue with me next week'

'I won't' I promised

I know that's manipulation 

I know I can get around him if I want to

And I shouldn't 

Because he is a kind and decent doctor 

And I should really take his advice more

He gave me my script

And left

'Be good' he said to me as I walked out

'I will' I smiled

I am slowly but surely coming around to the fact that I just can't use

And that means I can't see The Boy

He may be able to hold down a job and live a relatively normal life using

But I sure can't 

It doesn't matter if I use once or one hundred times

The level of chaos is the same

I have to accept that I have an addictive personality

There is no off switch it off button with me

Once I start I can't stop

For love nor money

My feelings for The Boy are another problem 

He texted yesterday

And I actually had anxiety when I saw his name show up on my phone 

But in a strange way

Just knowing he wants to see me is enough

Just knowing that he may have feelings for me is enough

Despite what my family think

He is not a bad person

I know he doesn't think that giving me poppy tea is a bad thing

In his mind it is preferable to heroin

And anyway 

His life is more or less together

He functions

As I have said before

This is the first boy contact I've had in a long time

And when I say a long time

I mean it's been ten years since I've had a boyfriend

But then I was ill

So I was in no position to entertain boys

It's only now that I am feeling better

That I can even fathom having a relationship with a boy

For those ten years boys were not on my radar at all

And I didn't miss what I didn't have

But as you have said to me

This is just one boy 

And even I know it would never work

There is a whole world of boys out there

And I do believe there is someone for me

Who is meant for me

Who is healthy for me

I know there is

 So this week is operation get back on track

Dare I say it 

I am planning to go to a meeting this morning

Am I am looking in to starting an animal care course in September

I think it's now imperative that I find an occupation

And working with animals is where I am happiest

I got a question on my last post asking me for tops about starting to write a blog

So I am going to write a post about that tomorrow

I know that a lot of you have been blogging for a long time

So I would love if you chimed in with any advice you have about creating a blog

Have a happy Monday everyone

See you on the next post

New blogs?

It seems that the blogosphere is quite quiet at the moment

So many people have left 

And it's been forever since I followed a new blog

So I'm inviting anyone out there with a new or existing blog to get in touch and share your blog

Maybe you are a new blogger?

Or maybe you have been reading here for a while?

Or maybe you've never commented before?

Whatever the reason

I'm on the look out for new blogs

So do get in touch.....

Still standin'

The past week has been unimaginably hard 

So much has happened

And yet most of my family know nothing

So I am trying to save face for them

Using really threw me for a loop

And all I really learned is that I can't say no

And that I am still a greedy addict

The Boy has also confused me 

Wondering whether I  Iike him or not

Feeling strangely drawn to him

Anticipating his texts and calls

It's all very high school and hormonal

I now know that I can't see him

And I've accepted that

For now

Just knowing he wants to see me is enough

Anyway

This is just a quick post to let you know that I am still here

I'm hurt

I've been stung

A good friend had left me feeling bruised and battered

It sucks because I really cared about this person

Even though they think I don't 

The whole situation had me wondering whether I am a bad person

Or a sick person 

Sometimes I feel like I leave a trail of destruction in my wake

And hurt everyone around me

But do I really have that power?

I don't know

Dentist

I had an appointment with my lovely dentist today

As you know 

I had temporary crowns put in last summer 

And now it's time to get the permanent ones

My dentist had a big hello for me when he saw me

He shook my hand vigorously

And told me that I was looking great

He looked at my teeth

At which point he started to get very excited

'This is fantastic' he exclaimed 

'Your mouth looks so much better since you gave up smoking'

'I can't tell you how delighted I am with this, I'm going to turn you in to a fairy princess'

I had to laugh

He seemed so thrilled with the transformation

So he booked me in for an appointment in two weeks

It will be a marathon to get the job done

But my dentist assures me that it will be worth it

In the car on the way home

My Mum and I got chatting

She was saying how strong I am

And how I have overcome so much

I felt like a complete and utter hypocrite

I considered telling her the truth

But what will that do

Other than worry her

If only she knew though

She brought up The Boy too

I told her that he is moving

She seemed very relieved

And speaking of The Boy

He just texted me

I didn't text back

I can't

And I won't 

It's always hard to get back on track after a slip

The trust is now gone

And my sister is keeping a close eye on me

It's just a rotten situation for everyone involved

And it's down to me to put things right

 

It was easy to think that I wasn't really using

After all

It was just a cup of innocent tea right?

Maybe to some people

But for me 

It has the power to send me spinning out of control

It has the power to cause me to relapse

To break my families heart

To cause utter chaos in my life

Because I am an addict

A greedy, hungry, don't know when to stop, dust bin junkie

My brain works on the basis of all or nothing

There is no in between

No happy medium

No half measures

And I have to face up to this fact 

I can't use

I can't drink

Not if I want to face any semblance of a normal life

Now it's time to pick up the pieces

And put them back together as best as I can

It's time to take stock

To reflect on the last few weeks

And to think about where I go from here

I lost a friend this week because of what happened 

And that saddens me greatly 

She wants nothing to do with me

And that feels so crappy

But 

I understand that I have frustrated people

And let people down

Heck I am sick of myself

And the trail of destruction I leave in my wake

I need s good dose of common sense

And a swift kick up the ass

Any volunteers?

No seriously 

I have to get back on track

I know exactly what that entails

I have been here many times before

The only difference this time being that I have an awful lot to lose 

I can't 

I won't let that happen

It's time to pull up my big girl pants

And behave like a responsible adult for once in my life

As the saying goes 

It's not about the size of the dog in the fight

It's about the size of the fight in the dog

And this dog has a huge fight on her hands 

Fighter

I've decided to fight

To fight for my life

For my sanity 

For my health

And my mental health

For my future

For my dogs

But most of all for my family

I might survive another relapse

But it would damn near kill my family

I truly believe that an addicts family get the brunt of addiction

At least the addict gets to zone out with drink/drugs

The family has to suffer through it all

So yes

I was sitting on my living room with my mother and my sister last night

And I thought to myself 

Where would I rather be?

Would I rather be out in The Boys house

Drinking cups of poppy tea

Passive weed smoking

Listening to them waffle on in a drug addled monologue about the meaning of life?

I suddenly thought to myself

I don't want that

I would much rather be here with my family watching Eastenders

And drinking good old fashioned Barry's tea

It's no exaggeration to say that The Boy has turned my world upside down

And my poor sister doesn't know what to do

It's up to me to put this right

And to earn get trust back

Not easy let me tell you

I just don't want my mother to know

If I can get through this without telling her then I will

But yes

I have no other option than to fight

If not for myself

Then for my family

They don't deserve this

God knows they have suffered enough

I'm doing this for them

Until I'm able to do it for myself 

Struggling

My sister knows 

She read my blog

Even though I asked her not to

She is not happy

And tells me if I see The Boy again

Or use again

She will call the police

And report me and him

I don't doubt that she will go this 

She means business 

He texted yesterday

Wanting to meet up

I decided to go and tell him that I couldn't see him anymore

Against my better judgement 

I went to his house

Where I found myself sitting in a living room

With three dudes all skinning up

Suddenly I just wanted to get out of there 

And just knew I had made a huge mistake going there

I racked my brain for an excuse to get out of there

I was becoming very anxious and paranoid

And just wanted to get the hell out of there 

It's like I suddenly realised that this was all bullshit

It wasn't real

And do I really want to be part of this world?

The answer is no

A definite no

I couldn't have got out of there quick enough

And before you say it

I know it was a really stupid thing to go and see him

I know it was putting myself in danger 

But yet I still plough ahead in to self destruction 

I am realising that I can't use recreationally

I can't drink socially

I can't have just one

I am an addict

And a greedy one at that

It has to be all or nothing

So there I was 

Sitting in a fog of dope smoke

Listening to these guys talking

I couldn't even say anything

I just wanted to run out of there 

I took out my phone 

And pretended that I had just got a text

I said it was my nephews school

And they needed someone to pick him up as he was sick

I made my excuses and left

It was such a relief to get in to my car and drive away from there

I don't know if they believed me

And I don't really care

All I know is that that is not a world I want to be part of

At least now I know that for sure

I arrived home

And my sister was on high alert

She wanted to know where I had been

And who I had seen

I told her the truth

There's no point in lying anymore

She is worried

But said she won't tell our mum

This time

I'm not sure why it's so hard to stay away from The Boy

He has nothing to offer me

Other than a drug habit 

But I still feel drawn to him

And I hate that I am

But I know I can't see him anymore

If I want to stay clean and sober

If I don't want to worry my family

It sucks

I have too much to lose though 

As my sister said to me yesterday

I have worked too hard to get to this point

I don't want to throw it all away

And lose the trust I have built up with my family

Do I really want to throw my life away for the sake of a boy or a drug?

The answer is no

I definitely don't 

NEDA

It's National Eating Didorders Awareness Week this week

An important date on the calendar for sufferers and their families

I know it has been in the media a lot this week in this country

My doctor from treatment has been on the tv and radio numerous times this talking about eating disorders 

I think it's so important to talk about EDs

As we all know

EDs have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness

That is a chilling statistic

Eating disorders thrive on secrecy

Sufferers don't want to talk about what they are doing

Because they are embarrassed 

Because they are afraid

And because they are ashamed 

I know in my case

It took me years to even admit to the fact that I had an ED

I couldn't face up to the reality that I had anorexia

As well as having an addiction

It was all too much

I remember feeling so scared and alone at that time

I knew nothing about EDs

I knew no one that had experience with them

And it was so confusing

As I had always loved my food

And now it was becoming my enemy

I didn't know where to turn

Or what to do

Telling my family was beyond difficult

But I soon found out that they had suspected I had food issues anyway

That's the thing about EDs

We think we are hiding them

And keeping them secret

But those that know us best 

Always know that something is up

I think it's so important to talk about EDs and mental health issues

Ten people kill themselves every week on this country

And eight of those are men

Some high profile people have spoken out about mental illness in this country

Which has started the conversation in homes

We are not very good at talking about our issues here in Ireland

We are experts at sweeping things under the carpet and burying our heads in the sand

My family used to be like that

Growing up our house was turbulent

There were issues that badly needed to be addressed 

But instead they were ignored

And they festered and stewed

Almost tearing my family apart

But now 

Years later

We are able to talk openly about out addictions and disorders

And we are closer than ever

My hope for this week

NEDA week

Is that people talk more about EDs

In my mind 

EDs are a way to take some control over our lives

Those with EDs are not happy well adjusted people 

We are suffering

Suffering from low self esteem

We have little or no confidence or belief in ourselves

We are lonely

And afraid

It's no exaggeration to say that hate ourselves

And so we try to take control ovet the one thing we can

Our weight

As we all know

Treating EDs is extremely difficult

You are dealing with someone who might not want to get well

And it's damn near impossible to treat someone who doesn't want the help

I have been in hospital and treatment many times

It was always me trying to maintain my illness

Trying to stay one step ahead of the staff

I saw them as the enemy

As them trying to take away the only thing that was keeping me going

For me

Inpatient treatment did not work

And it took me a while to figure that out

Being around other girls with chronic illness was so hard

And the docks all day was good and weight

I don't doubt that it works for some people

And you have to be so focused and determined to get well in that situation

I began to get well with the help of Mary

It took me a long time 

But eventually I mustered up the courage to address my demons

I found doing it from home suited me much better

I think that inpatient treatment really needs to be looked at

And more out patient treatment needs to be available

This week two years ago

There was an ED convention in my home town

Organised by Bodywhys and Mary

Two days before the convention

Mary rand myself and my mother

And asked us both to speak at the conference

I was terrified 

But I really wanted to do it

I wanted to be honest about what it is like to live day in, day out with an ED

I felt it was so important to let people know the reality of it

I wrote out my speech

And wrote as if no one was ever going to read it

The day of the conference

I was a bundle of nerves

I watched the room fill up

With doctors, psychiatrists, families and sufferers

I held my speech in my hands

Reading over it again and again

Soon it was my turn to speak

I don't remember much about reading it out

Only that it was over before I knew it

I got so much great feedback afterwards

Mary hugged me

And she had a tear in her eye

I hope my speech that day gave  people a better understanding of what it's like to live with an ED

Because often families and friends are at a loss as to what to do to help their loved one

And I think it's up to us

Those of us that are suffering or in recovery

To let others know how to help us

And to ask for that help

Because inspire of what we think 

We can not do this alone